 The Jack Benny Program, presented by Lucky Strike. It is acceptable. Smoke a lucky to feel your level best. Smoke a lucky to feel your level best. Your level best. That's just how you'll feel when you light up a lucky. Because lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. Put you on the right level to feel and do your level best. It's important to you as a smoker to know that fine tobacco can do this for you, and every smoker knows. L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Remember, more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen, smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. It's good to know that fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. By putting you on the right level to feel and do your level best. That's the lucky level. So, smoke a lucky to feel your level best. Yes, the next time you buy cigarettes, remember, Lucky's fine tobacco puts you on the right level, the lucky level, where you feel your level best and do your level best. Smoke a lucky to feel your level best. Get on the lucky level where it's fun to be alive. Get a carton of luckies and get started today. Graham starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rod Chester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, today marks Jack Benny's first program on the Columbia Broadcasting System. So, let's go back a couple of hours and pick up Jack and Mary on their way to the studio. Rod Chester is driving. Not so fast, Rod Chester. Don't cross the double line. Look after that car. What's the matter with you? I'm driving as carefully as I can, boys. Well, just watch it, that's all. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, calm down. Don't be so nervous. I'm not nervous. I'm sitting up and down on the running board. Okay, Mary, I'll admit it. I am nervous and you can't blame me. Today's my opening broadcast on CBS. All right, so you're opening on CBS. What do you mean, all right? Do you realize it's the first time my program will be heard in Alaska? Well, so what? I've yet to see a walrus smoking a lucky strike. Yeah? I saw one last night. That was Jerry Kelowna. I'm sorry to apologize, that's a room of fish. Anyway, Mary, this is no time for joking. I'm upset. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, why should you be worried? You must have a million dollars down in your vault. I know, but I don't want to break up the serial number. I mean, Mary, stop asking me questions, will you? I'm in old Rochester. I don't want to have an accident on the way to the studio. Now, slow down. I'm only going 12 miles an hour. Don't give me that. What does it say on this pedometer? Made in 1899. I mean, besides that... Jack, you're working yourself into a breakdown. Rochester, see if you can get something on the radio so Mr. Benny can relax. Yes, ma'am. That concludes another broadcast by your friendly philosopher. And now for a special announcement. Remember, only two more hours in Jack Benny will be on CBS. Turn that off! That's all they've been broadcasting for the past week. Six more days till Jack Benny. Five more days till Jack Benny. Four more days. Two more hours. Well, Jack, if you don't like it, make him stop it. I will not. I can't figure you out. First, you don't like it, then you do like it. I've never seen you this way. He's been a nervous wreck all week, Miss Livingston. Last night, he didn't sleep a wink. He just kept tossing and turning and whimpering like a baby. Well, was there anything you could do for him? I tried everything. I even threw him over my shoulder and burped him twice. Oh, Rochester, stop exaggerating. I'm not exaggerating, boss. You've even been talking in your sleep. Talking in a sleep? Yeah. Miss Livingston, who is William Paley? William Paley is the head of the Columbia Broadcasting System. Why? He has now replaced Haley Lamar and Mr. Benny's dreams. Rochester, I've never dreamed about Mr. Paley. Yes, you did, boss. All night long, you kept saying, PA, L-E-Y, PA, L-E-Y. Look, Rochester, you're not as good enough as it is without your discussing... Oh, fine. That's all I need now, a traffic cop. Rochester, he wants us to pull over to the curb. Caught you, didn't I? What's the matter, Officer? Were we speeding? Don't flatter yourself. You went through a red light. Officer, the light was green when we started through the intersection. I know, but it changed twice before this jalopy got a claw. Look, Officer, I'm afraid this is my fault. I'm in a hurry. I'm talking to the driver, so keep your b... Wait a minute. You're Jack Benny, aren't you? Yes, yes, I am. Oh, then you must be on your way to the studio to do your first broadcast for CBS. That's right. Well, only a louse would give you a ticket on a day like this. Well, thank you. Shake hands with Officer Sam Lout. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Benny, but duty is duty. Now, I'll write this. Calling all cars, calling all cars. Excuse me a minute. This may be important. Attention, all officers. There has been a holdup on Fourth and Olive. Investigate a double murder at Hill and Grand. Only two more hours and Jack Benny will be on CBS. Gee, they have that announcement on your radio, too. See, the police must like my program. Yes, they use it down at headquarters for the third degree. Third degree? Twice I confessed and I didn't even do anything. Well, you can go, Mr. Benny, and I won't give you a ticket. I can't stand the tears in those big blue eyes. Thank you. Go ahead, Rochester. Drive on, will you? Just a second, boss. I've got to start the motor. Gee whiz, Jack. I hope you don't have trouble starting it like you always do. Don't worry about that. I mean, yesterday I had the motor tuned. Go ahead, Rochester. Start it. Did Spike Jones? Please, Rochester. Try it again, will you? Don't worry, boss. I'll get this motor started. But close your eyes. Why? I care what you use. Let's get to the studio. Got a nice lot here, haven't they? Yeah. Here's your parking ticket, mister. Thank you. And boy, be careful when you park my car. Why? Come on, Mary. Say, Jack, as we drove in, did you see that big sign on the building? The big sign? No. What did it say? Jack Benny has switched to CBS. Phil Harris has switched to sterno. Oh, yes. It was his New Year's resolution. Well, here's the artist entrance. Let's go in. Oh, doorman. Yeah? I'm Jack Benny. I don't care who you are. Wipe your feet. Well, look, when Mr. William Paley comes in, tell him I want to see him right away, will you? Okay. You know, Mary, even though I'm trying to keep calm, I can't help being nervous today. I guess every actor feels that way. Well, Jack, look who's coming down the hall. Amos and Andy. Oh, yeah. They're coming this way. Hello, Amos. Hello, Miss Benny. Hello, Miss Littleton. Hello. Mr. Benny, we understand that you're going to be on the network here with us. Yes. Yes, that's right. Well, Miss Benny, me and Andy just want to wish you a lot of luck. Well, thank you, boys. Thank you very much. Say, Andy. What is it, Andy? That Miss Benny is supposed to be a big comedian. He doesn't say nothing funny. Well, just like I told you, Amos, he ain't nothing without Rochester. Were you boys talking to me? No, sir. No, no, no. Goodbye. Goodbye. Rex, say, Mary. What is it, Jack? You know, Amos and Andy have been on the air for over 20 years as comedians. You know, they didn't say anything funny. Well, it's just like I told you, they ain't nothing without the Kingfish. Our studio be. Well, I want to see what my dressing room is like. I'll meet you later. Okay. All right, break it up a minute. Hiya, Jackson. Welcome to Petrillo's Inner Sanctum. Look, Phil. Phil, I want to talk to you. Me? Yeah, look, here it is a new year. We're starting on a new network. So, Phil, you've got to do something about your musicians. Why? What's wrong with my lads? Look, Phil, look, I don't expect them to wear full dress suits. I don't even want them to wear coats or jackets. But for the love of heaven, why don't they wear ties? Well, Jackson, most of these boys are out on parole and they don't want nothing around their neck with a knot in it. I can understand, but the worst of all is your pal Remly. He's a disgrace. All of Jackson, just a minute now. Hold it. Calm down a little bit. Don't say nothing about Frankie. You ought to be a little more considerate of him. Since he was a baby, poor Frankie never had no mother or father. Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Phil. I didn't know that Remly was an orphan, you know? Oh, he ain't no orphan when he was born. His folks took one look at him and joined parents Anonymous. Look, Phil, there's so much work to be done. I'm so nervous. Now, I want to make sure that you picked a good number for our first program. What are you and the boys going to play? Jackson have been given plenty of thought. In fact, I've been thinking about it all week and I've finally decided on, that's what I like about this song. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Phil, don't start that over here. I haven't told you this before, but that song is what drove Edgar Bergen into retirement. Now, believe me. Okay, Jackson, okay, if that's the way you feel about it. Now, look about that dialogue stuff on this show. Shall we try that old running gag about hunting bear? No, no, no, you hooked me on that too often. But hey, wait a minute. I'll tell you, let's do it. But this time, Phil, let me pull it on you. You see, I'll start it by saying, Hello, Phil, would you like to come hunting with me up in the high Sierras? Certainly, Jackson. Are you going to hunt moose? No, I'm going to... Moose? Phil, that's not right. What am I supposed to ask you? Are you going to hunt bear? No, I'll be wearing buttons and bows. I'll let you sing your song on this network, but you'll louse them up some way. Phil, that's the last time I want to hear that joke. Now, play any number you want. I got to go out and look for Mr. Paley. All right, fellas, look, let's run over Dennis' song first. You all ready, kid? Yeah, I'm ready, Phil. Oh, Columbia Network, I can't find him. He must be around here someplace. Well, let's go and rehearse the script first. There's no time, you know. Okay, you know, the closer we get to doing the broadcast, the more nervous I am. Come on, let's get back into the... Jack, look out! Say, who was that? Gene Autry. Gene Autry? Side saddle? What a studio this is. His horse has a better dressing room than I have. There's going to be trouble. Now, come on, Mary. I want to see Mr. Paley before we go on the air. And then we'll... Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. I just finished rehearsing my song. Huh? Oh, hello, Don. I mean Phil. Oh, yes, yes. So, Dennis, hey, wait a minute. Dennis, why are you wearing that top half white tie and tails? Well, it's our first show on CBS, and I thought I'd dress up. Well, Dennis, I think that's very nice of you renting a full dress suit for our first broadcast. Oh, I didn't rent it. This is the suit my father got married in. Oh, well, Dennis, you should have had it cleaned. There's ketchup on the lapel. Oh, that's not ketchup. My father wouldn't say I do, and my mother punched him in the nose. Look, look, Phil. I mean, Dennis, look, I'm glad you dressed up for our first show. Oh, you know, Mr. Benny, Charlie McCarthy starts on CBS today, too. No, no, Dennis. Now, don't get mixed up. I'm the only one who's starting today. Not Charlie McCarthy. Well, that's funny. I heard the dormant say to somebody, we've got that dummy over here now. Yeah, I wonder who he meant. Well, it isn't Mary, so it must be either you or me. Dennis, don't bother me with that talk. I've got to go in the... Oh, say Jack. Jack. What is it? Certainly, Mary. I noticed it the minute I saw him. Well, why don't you ask him? No, no, Mary, you ask him. Not me. All right, I will. Dennis. Dennis, I want to get something straight. Look, you wanted to dress up for our first broadcast at CBS. Is that right? Uh-huh. So you put on your father's top half white tie and tails. But why are you wearing hip boots? I couldn't find the pants. Oh, serves me right for asking. Anyway, I'll take one more chance. Dennis, why wear hip boots? Why didn't you wear your own pants? I did, but I lost them by force of habit. What? As I passed NBC, I walked by, but my pants walked in. Come on, Mary. Instead of talking to him, I could have seen Mr. Paley. Now let's go in and we'll... Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello. Hello, Mr. Kessel. Mr. Kessel, what are you doing here? Mr. Benny, I want to be among the first to congratulate you on moving to this network. Well, thank you. Thank you. Yes, I do immensely. CBS is my favorite network. Oh, you like their shows? Oh, yes. Especially on Monday nights when they have my friend Raymond and Locke's. That's Mr. Kessel, that's Locke's. Locke's, Locke's. I like them both. By the way, Mr. Kessel, did you enjoy New Year's Eve? Oh, yeah, I had a good time, but I think I had one drink too many. Oh, then you were a little high. High? My... I was stinking. I can't believe it. Yes, shame on me. You know, when I sobered up, I found myself doing something terrible. I was kissing somebody's wife. Whose? Mine. Well, Mr. Kessel, we got to look over our script before we go on the air. It was nice meeting you again. The feeling is likewise, Mr. Benek. Goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye. Come on, Mary, let's go in and we'll have to rush this before we get through it. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Hello, Joe, testing, testing. One, two, three, four. Hey, what are you doing? I'm the engineer. I'm testing the microphones. Jack Benny will be on the air in a few minutes. I know, I know. Yeah, who wouldn't know? With all this fuss they're making, you would think they were getting out. Piers! Oh, yeah, well, let me tell you something, buddy. I happen to be Jack... Oh, Jack, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary. I mean, Don. Don, hello. Excuse me, Don. I'm so nervous today. Well, I can understand that, Jack. I'm jittery myself. Really? I've got butterflies in my stomach. Don, you could have the Northwestern football team in your stomach. They'd make more yardage than they did in the Rose Bowl. Now, what do you want, Don? Well, Jack will be on the air in a few minutes and you haven't run through the commercials yet. We can't do that. The audience has started coming in now. Well, that's good, Jack. We can get a reaction and see what we've got. Don, we're not going to go through... Jack, you're in it. I don't... I am? You mean in the commercial? Yes. The boys are going to sing Frank Lesser's big song here to slow boat to China. Frank Lesser's song? Oh, well, that's great. Where are the sports? Well, here they are. Okay. Take it, boys. You said it. Me? I can hardly wait. Open up the Golden Gate. I'm listening already at some rhyming. Plainfield. I'll just puff and puff. How about this clever stuff? We'll never make it. Listen, you know, you better be prepared for an encore. Well, it's all, Jack. The boys haven't prepared any more lyrics. Well, we're only rehearsing. Can't they add lib as they go along? How about it, folks? One more time. You see, the audience likes the idea they wanted. All right, Jack. The boys will just have to make it up. They've nothing prepared. Or that's what I mean. Add lib something. Take it, fellas. What's the difference? Gee, I'd love to go cousin Cliff and sister Flo. You've messed it up already, but good poor Lesser. We'd like to get you on a small horse at Delma. A horse? We want to hear you grow. I'll lose all my dough. I don't want to be a schmo. We'd like to get you on a sandwich to Denver. A sandwich? All through ourselves alone. Leave off the onion. You see, Don, you see, that was great. It's going to be swell on the show. Stand by, please. Three minutes. Three minutes. I can't understand why Mr. Paley didn't come down to see me. Now I'll be a nervous wreck all through my first show. Two minutes and a half. How do you like that? One, two, three, four. Hello, Mom. Dennis! Get away from that microphone. I can't understand what... Oh, that must be Mr. Paley now. Come in. Come in. Yes? Mr. Benny? Yes? I'm Don Thornburg, the head of the Western Division of the Columbia Broadcasting System. Oh, how do you do, Mr. Thornburg? What can I do for you? Well, I understand you've been looking for Mr. Paley. Yes. Yes, I have. Where... where is he? Well, Mr. Paley is in New York. He only comes out here on urgent business. Well, this is... This is rather important, Mr. Thornburg, but perhaps you can help me. Well, I hope so. What is it? Well... Well... Yes, Mr. Benny, what is it? Well... Do you have the authority to validate my parking lot ticket? Ladies and gentlemen, travel on our highways is increasing. It is now 11% above the pre-war peak, so be careful if you drive the car or even if you take a walk. Watch for traffic lights. Observe safety and traffic regulations. The life you save may be your own. Smoke a lucky to feel your level best. You see, Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. Put you on the right level to feel and do your level best. It's good to know that fine tobacco can do this for you, and that's why it's so important that you select and smoke the cigarette of fine tobacco Lucky Strike for, as every smoker knows, L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. The experts, men who know tobacco, look to Lucky Strike. The experts, men who know tobacco, look to Lucky Strike for their own personal smoking enjoyment. Yes, more independent auctioneers, buyers and warehouse men smoke Lucky's regularly than the next two leading brands combined. So, smoke a lucky to feel your level best. That's how to get on a lucky level, where there's real joy in living, where it's fun to be alive. The lucky level where you feel your best and do your best. Smoke a lucky to feel your level best. Smoke a lucky to feel your level best. Get on the lucky level, where it's fun to be alive. Get a carton of Lucky's and get started today. Now, ladies and gentlemen, now to be outdone by the quartet, Mary and I have cooked up a little number. We'd like to get you to stay tuned on Sundays and listen to CBS. It'll be such fun for you and me and everyone. Get you and tell you how much you'll laugh at Spike. Next comes old Blue Eyes. Amish you wish you really liked. With Andy. Then wait until you get Sam Spade to thrill you. Yes. And guess when the villain will confess. I'm not gonna say you'll have to listen in today. Then comes Luigi. You'll hear him on CBS. Tune in on CBS. That's now our network. Tune in on CBS. The strike program, Your Lucky Strike, starring Don Amici on this network. And don't forget on Saturday nights, The Lucky Strike Hit Parade, starring Frank Sinatra. Yes, the Columbia Broadcasting System.