 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevalet, with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharpness Music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Like most people, Phil and Alice have been eagerly looking forward to their summer vacation. They're anxious to make a fast getaway, but I've got a feeling that something may slow them down. More about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. You may think you keep a close check on your money, but do you know how much you have in your pocket right now? Don't look, take a guess. Now go ahead and check. How far off were you, 25 or 30 cents? Well, for as little as that every day, you can buy the finest television there is. RCA Victor, you'd never miss the money. New RCA Victor television is priced as low as $199.95, and every RCA Victor has the automatic magic monitor, an exclusive circuit system that automatically brings in and holds the finest pictures possible. The magic monitor automatically screens out interference, automatically steps up power, and automatically ties the clearest picture to the best sound. Ask your dealer about his particular easy payment plan. How, after a small down payment, it may take only pennies a day to own America's most advanced TV. RCA Victor television with the magic monitor. Here's another good reason for owning an RCA Victor. America's only coast-to-coast factory organization for expert installation and maintenance is available exclusively to owners of RCA Victor television. The RCA factory service contract is one more reason why every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Bill Harris. Today the Harris's start on their summer vacation. They've rented a cabin up in the High Sierra's and are going to spend two months there. As we look in, they're all packed and are about ready to leave. Hey man, I can't wait to get up to their mountains. That rugged life, that's for me. We'll be all alone with nobody near us for miles. We'll have the whole place to ourselves with nothing to do but haunt and fish. Oh, it sounds exciting to me. I love the idea of that primitive life. Let's see, if I packed everything. I've got my save a wrap, my ermine jacket and my silver fox stole. Hold a jazza. Alice, you don't need all that fancy stuff. Well, what are you taking along? Only the necessities. I'm taking a pair of blue jeans, a pair of boots, an old hat, a pair of socks and four cases of old smuggler. That's just for medicinal purposes. In case I get bitten by a snake. Oh, Bill, there aren't any snakes up that high. I know, that's why I packed one in my suit. Markison, you know a kid. He won't take up much room, he's kind of cute. Of course, I had his teeth pulled too. Are the kids things all packed? Yes, everybody's things are ready, but, well, all except Williams. Honey, why do you have to take that brother? Oh, well, he'll be a lot of fun. He'll be a great companion for you. He's an outdoor man and he just loves the rugged country. Oh, he's as rugged as a brownie. Oh, sis, I'm ready to go. Here, Philip, here are the things I want you to pack for me. What do you got there? All the things I'll need. My woodcraft manual. A six-bladed Boy Scout knife. Pottery baking set. Foot warmer. Back scratcher and bow and arrow. You ain't gonna change your underwear, huh? Pack my clothes separately. This is just my camping and hunting equipment. Fine hunting equipment, a bow and arrow. What's wrong with that? A lot of men hunt with arrows. With suction cups on them? I just used the suction cups to catch the little animals. How you catch the big ones? With a plunger? Willie, are you sure you know how to hunt? Oh, I'll prove it to you. We'll go hunting every day. And I guarantee we'll come back every night with a bag full of butterflies. Ooh, how exciting. Yes, in fact, we'd better. We got a long drive ahead of us. Oh, I can't wait to get up to the mountain, Daddy. We'll have a lot of fun. Just you and Mommy and Alice and me and Uncle Willie and Julius. Julius? Who invited the barracuda? I did, Phil. I felt sorry for the boy. He never gets to go away for the summer, and I thought it would do him good. How come you're taking Julius when you wouldn't let me take Elliot? Because Julius needs the fresh air and the sunshine. He's anemic. So is Elliot. That poor kid's blood count has gone down from 90 proof to 70. I got news for him. He was awfully hurt, too, when I told him he couldn't go. I'll let him be hurt. Every time we go someplace on our vacation, he horns in. Ever since we've been married, he goes along with us. Whenever we go on a trip, and he acts awful. That's not so. He behaves like an idiot. And he acts awful. That's not so. He behaves very nicely on our honeymoon. I was surprised he agreed to let me go along. Well, he didn't want to at first, but I promised him that you wouldn't get in the way. This is one trip he's not going on, and I made sure of it. I told him we were leaving tomorrow. That's why we're sneaking off today. If I know him, he'll be around here tomorrow morning whether he's invited or not. Oh, Alice, how can you be so cruel to Elliot? I told him he couldn't go on the trip. He said he didn't mind, except it would mean going through a whole summer with out here in Yiseng. And he said he'd miss your glorious voice. Well, I wouldn't want him to miss it. Then he can go with us? No, I'll make a record and mail it to him. Turn the machine on. For a minute, I thought it was going to work. We ain't got a barrel of money Maybe we're ragged and funny But we'll travel along Singing a song side by side Don't know what's coming tomorrow Maybe it's trouble and sorrow But we'll travel the road Tearing our load side by side Through all kinds of weather What if the sky should fall Just as long as we're together It doesn't matter at all When they've all had their quarrels imparted We'll be the same as we started Just travel along Singing a song side by side We'll keep on walking together Like we'll be a ball Let everyone, everyone join together One, four, we ain't got a barrel Maybe we're ragged and funny But we'll travel along Singing a song side by side Oh, we don't know what's coming tomorrow Maybe it's trouble and sorrow But we'll travel the road Tearing our load side by side Through all kinds of weather What if the sky should fall Just as long as we're together It doesn't matter at all When they've all had their quarrels imparted We'll be the same as we started Just travel along Singing a song side by side We didn't need to be here tomorrow morning with his bags Not my Elliot. He doesn't go where he's not wanted All right, everybody, get in the car Come on now, we've got a long trip ahead of us and we... Seems to be something wrong This seat's awful high Curly, I'll thank you to get off my lap When did you get in the car? Last Tuesday I haven't been sitting here for five days Look, Elliot I'm starting to get saddle sores Elliot Elliot, you can't go on this trip with us Why not? Because you weren't invited What's that got to do with it? If I waited until I was invited, I'd never go anyplace For the last time, I'm going to tell you something You weren't invited on this trip We don't want you on this trip So beat it, get lost, go away and stop bothering us Curly, what's she hinting at? Look, Alice, stop beating around the bush You got something to say, say it If you have nothing to say, get back in the bush I don't like what you're just saying Elliot, I know it's kind of tough To get this through to you, kid But Alice doesn't want you to go on this trip Why not? Well, for one thing, there's not enough room in the car We've already got six people going Me, Alice, the children, Willie and Julius Julius? What mentally incompetent moron invited him? I did I mean, it's none of your business who invited him The fact remains, he's going, Elliot Alice Faye Harris How can you sit there in your mink blue jeans and say that? I said it and I mean it Now get out of this car before I kick you with my chinchilla hunting boots All right, I'll get out I know what I'm not wanted So long, Elliot, I'm sorry you can't go You ain't mad at me, are you? No, I'm not one to bear a grudge Go ahead, have a good time Careful, backing out of the garage I'll direct you How far back can I go? I'll tell you, just keep coming back A little further A little further A little further That's enough You've smashed your car, I guess you can't go Oh, yes, we can We just dented the funders Oh, come on, Phil, let's get started We have to pick up Julius and I want to stop at mother's house first to say goodbye Okay, so long, Elliot Curly, I'm not going to let you go without me You're not going to drive off and leave me Let's go, my linen duster So long, kid, have a nice summer You stay in the car with the children Phil and I'll just take a minute with mother Come on, Phil Well, let's hurry it up, honey Let's just say goodbye and then come right out And don't ask her to come along, we ain't got enough room Curly Not if you get here so fast You know that front tire that you were complaining was so wobbly all the way over? What about? That was me Stop it, now how'd you get over here? I hung onto your bumper, you ain't going to shake me Look, Alice, you might as well take him It's going to be easier on my nerves Oh, no, no, there's not room enough for him Now you get rid of him while I go and see mother Hey, Curly, there's room in the car for me now While Alice is inside seeing her mother, let's leave without her Look, Curly, you might as well give up There isn't enough room in the car for you There would be if you'd leave somebody behind But, oh, I can't leave Alice behind I can't leave my kids behind and I can't leave Willie behind Who says I can? Look, there ain't no way we can talk Willie out of a free trip I believe I've got a way Willie wears glasses, don't he? Yeah And he can't see a thing without him, can he? No, but he... Oh, I get it If something were to happen to his glasses, he'd have to stay in town to have a new pair made Correct Willie, would you step out of the car for a minute, please? Certainly, be right there What do you want, Elliot? Willie, did you know that your glasses are broken? Where? Well, hand them to me and I'll show you You see, there's a great big crack right over... whoops I dropped them What was he wearing? Headlights? The loudest bifocals I ever heard Oh, gee, Willie, I'm terribly sorry I dropped your glasses on the sidewalk and broke them Oh, that's all right, Phillip, I have another pair Curly, we're wasting time, let's just set fire to it Willie, where do you keep your other pair of glasses? In my apartment Phillip, you can drive me over there while we're waiting for Alice Oh, you'd better lead me to the car, I can't see a thing That, huh? Curly, let me lead him Now then, Willie, I'll just take you by the arm, turn you around, and away we go Sir, where are you leading him? The car ain't in that direction No, but that open manhole is Oh, so it is Come along, Willie, we'll each take one of your arms and lead you Now you're sure that you can't see where you're going, huh, Willie? No, no, no, no, I can't see a step in front of me If you fellas weren't leading me, I'd be liable to step into... Well, what do you know? He fell down that manhole Yes, he did, didn't he? Get me out of this dude! That's the silly thing to do Well, never mind Why should I? I don't care who's in the manhole as long as it leaves a place for me in the car Curly, you join us whenever you get a chance I'm ready to leave, fellas What are you doing out in the middle of the street? And where's Phil? Curly decided not to go to the mountains, Alice He's going to spend the summer at Pismo Beach He's swimming there now I am not letting me out of this manhole Stop playing and come out of there Elliot, Elliot, help him, Alice Oh, alright, grab my hand, Curly Hey, where you been, Curly? You're sopping wet Why, you no good Alice, we can't take him on a trip in that condition Curly, you go home, dry out and meet us later Come along, Alice Get away from my car, you ain't going no place I'm nervous, that guy, trying to take my place on the trip One of these days, I'm going to take... No, no, no, no, Phil, don't get excited Get in the car and on the way over to Julius's We'll turn on the radio Maybe Peter Potter will be playing one of your records I don't care what... Yeah, that would soothe my ruffled nerves Young Johnny Jones, he had a cute little boat And though the girlies he would take for a float He had girlies by the score Sweet little peaches on the shore But Johnny was a Weisenheimer, you know His steady girl was flow And every Sunday afternoon They'd jump in his boat and then they'd spoke And then he'd row, row, row Right up that river he would row, row, row That huck, he'd give her then He'd kiss her now and then She'd tell him when and then He'd fool around and fool around And then he'd kiss her again A little further he would row Just he and flow And with her head on his chest He'd take a few measures, restin' off He'd row, row, row In Johnny's boat he had a cute little seat And though the kisses that he stole were so sweet And he knew just how to row He was that rowing Romeo He had an island where the trees were so grand He knew just how to land Then tales of love he'd tell the flow Till it was time for them to go And then he'd row, row, row On up that river he would row so slow That huck he'd give her then He'd kiss her now and then She'd tell him when and then He'd fool around and fool around And then he'd kiss her again A little further he would row Just he and flow And then he'd drop both his oars Take a few more encores and off he'd row Row, row, just he and Florence Row, row, row Right into heaven, row, row He had no Johnson motor so Johnny and Flow Would row, row, row He'd have played a peachy one that time Oh, Phillip, can't you drive a little faster? We'll never get started on our trip at this rate Now take it easy, Willie, just take it easy, take it easy I bet Julius was wondering what happened to us We were supposed to pick him up hours ago I hope he's ready Oh, he's ready, Phil There he is standing at the curb with his bag Oh, yeah Hiya, Julius I'm sorry, I'm late, kid Stop talking! The spritz's occupied He knows I'm here, so don't tell Mr. Harris Julius, where are the provisions I ordered? Oh, nuts Now we're gonna have to stop at the market and pick him up Well, come on, let's be on our way Goodbye, Elliot What cur- Left six hours ago and we're not even out of town yet All we do is keep making stops Nobody seems to know what the- Oh, honey, honey, you just passed the market Stop the car You don't give up too easy, do you? Look, now get off of that hood and get lost Julius, go on the market and get those provisions out of the refrigerator Oh, I can't carry them by myself There's three big packages, I'll need help All right, I'll help you Hey, wait for me, Curly Just to show you there's no hard feelings I'll go in and help you That's might be nice of you And what do you got in mind, Clyde? Nothing yet, but I'll think of something Ooh, man, it's freezing in this room This place feels like a rehearsal hall for Sonia Henning Hey, Curly, I got it If Julius were to get locked in this refrigerator He couldn't go And then there'd be room in the car for me, wouldn't there? They're good in a cold room How do we do it? As soon as I say go We'll make a run for the door and shut it on the kid Gotcha Here's a package for you, Mr. Harris Thanks, kid And here's a package for you, Mr. Lawrence Thanks, kid Go, Curly Stop taking your fellas so long It's getting dark Julius, open that door I'll get to the car and get going You're not going with us Very well I know where to give up If you don't want me, I'll leave Goodbye Goodbye That blast we're rid of him Now let's pick up these packages Put them in the car and get on our way, huh? Only 50 miles more and we'll be at the cabin Hey, I better stop at this service station Get some gas And I can't wait to get up to them mountains I hear they've got some great hunting and fishing up there Shall I fill her up, sir? Yeah, she'll take about 15 gallons Yes, sir How you doing, bud? You got her filled up yet? No, every time I put gas in the tank Somebody spits it back at her Get some gas back How'd you do that? I don't know, but we've got all summer to figure it out In just a moment Whether you're off on a vacation or just staying around home You can listen to all your favorite records With RCA Victor's new three-speed portable phonograph This remarkably compact, automatic Victrola phonograph Is styled along luggage lines As a comfortable handle for easy carrying Take it to the shore, to the mountains Play it anywhere, there's an AC outlet It can play all your records automatically The center's the secret Load up to 1445 extended play records On the large slip-on spindle And relax to almost two hours of music When you're in the mood for music on 78 or long play records Load the standard spindle You'll enjoy concert hall tone at every speed Because this portable three-speed Victrola phonograph Has RCA Victor's famous golden throat tone system It's just one of the many fine Victrola phonographs Now at your RCA Victor dealer Folks, this is Phil again You know, this is our last show of the season And Alice and I want to thank all of you For making it a wonderful season In fact, we enjoyed being with you so much That we're all coming back next fall Starting October the 4th, same time Alice and I would like to thank our entire cast Ladies and gentlemen, for without them It wouldn't have been possible And especially our two wonderful writers Chevrolet and Singer And I think you'll all want to join me In a word of gratitude to our sponsor RCA Victor Because they have a wonderful summer show Lined up for you, a show starring a great guy And a very good friend of mine, Tony Martin Tony's starting next week So be sure to listen to Tony Martin's time He'll have some of the great RCA Victor Recording artists as his guests And I know he'll entertain you in the latest style Thanks for a wonderful season and good night Good night and have a wonderful summer everybody Thank you Included in this program transcribe is Jerry Hausner The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley Now for less than $3 You can have long play records of your favorite classical music RCA Victor's new bluebird records bring you The world's finest artists And such treasured selections as Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 Brom Symphony No. 3 And ballet music from Sylvia Listen to RCA Victor's bluebird classics They're available on long play records And in 45 albums for less than $3 each At your RCA Victor record dealers now Next tier best plays on NBC