 We invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Psy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Keromash with Alan Reed as the quality. A year ago when Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventure. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in his voice. Dear Mamma Mia, America is a land with a very high standard of a living. Everybody is saving the money so he can buy a refrigerator, a washing machine, a dishwasher, and a vacuum cleaner. Seems like everybody here has got these things. People who can afford, they buy. People who can afford, they go on a quiz program. Another big American thing, everybody has got a car. They've got all kinds of here. There's the sedans, the trailers, the trucks. And America is so rich that they even have got a car for chickens. That's called a coupe. A car is a wonderful thing. Do you remember Mama Mia in the old country during the war? How American boy has it taken me for driving as a car? Well, it wasn't exactly a car. It was something like a cement mixer. And here's the color of the Jeep. Mama Mia, how that car is a shame. Remember once how we go for a ride, me and Ocopietro and his goat? And when we come back, I'm losing my watch. Ocopietro is the loser of teeth. And the goat is the refuse to give a milk for three days. Since that time, I'm all the ways I want to own my own car. And after one year, I must have a hundred dollars, and now I'm going to make my dream come true. Of course, with a hundred dollars, I'm not going to afford the new 1949 car. I'm going to have to be satisfied with a 48. But right now is the time for my night school class, so I'm going to go and ask my teacher Miss Pauling for advice about buying a car. All right, class, all right, let's come to attention. I'll call the roll. Mr. Basko. Present. Mr. Howard. Present. Mr. Olsen. Present. Mr. Schultz. Absent. Mr. Schultz, you're crazy. Why do you say absent? I just want to create a sensation. Oh, thank you, fellow boobers. Thank you. All right, Mr. Schultz, you can stop bowing. Now, class, our lesson... Oh, yes, Mr. Basko, what is it? Well, Miss Pauling, today's a bigger day in my life, and I'm like so much if the classes are helping me. Well, certainly, Mr. Basko, what is it? Well, today I'm going to buy my own car. A car? Oh, no easy. It's a big shot. A big shot is an explosion. Class, please. Mr. Basko, why don't you wait until after the bill? I'm sure one of your classmates can help you in the selection of a car. Now, class, our lesson for today is spelling, and we are going to study words which contain letters that we don't pronounce. Now, Mr. Basko, will you volunteer to spell the word nice? Nice. K-N-I-F-V is a silent. Not exactly. Mr. Schultz, will you try? I try, but I don't give a guarantee. Nice. B... Just a moment, Mr. Schultz. There is no B in nice. This is a Boy Scout knife. Class, I will spell the word K-N-I-F-E. K-N-I-F-E? That's Kniffy. No, the word is nice. K is the silent letter. K is always silent in front of N. Is that so? What about Knackville? Now, will someone in the class give us an example of another word with a silent letter? Oh, yes, Mr. Olson? In the sentence, nash my teeth. Nash is spelled G-N-A-F-A, and the G is silent preceding the N. Oh, what a showoff! If I'm not so smart, I'll shoot myself! Please, Mr. Schultz, please. That was excellent, Mr. Olson. Excuse me, Mr. Spaulding. I'm always known that the nash has a silent letter, but this silent letter G is in the 49th model, too? Now, that's the kind of fellow I like. That's a dumbbell. No, no, Mr. Basko. I can see you can't get your mind off cars. Can anyone here tell Mr. Basko where to get a car? Louis. How about Louis the lunatic? That's right, Louis. You go right down to automobile row on Dearborn Street. Dearborn Street? Yeah, yeah, but you've got to be careful with these dealers, you know. They are all sharpshooters. On account of them, my brother Ludwig got the best buy in his life. In three years, he's never had a flat, never had to change a spark plug, never uses any oil, no the rubble at all. What did he buy? A horse and wagon. Mr. Schultz, I'm getting a little tired of your... Sometimes they act like a lot of little school children. To not force. Excuse me, Mr. I'd like to buy a car here. Yes, say you've picked the right lannica just what you want. 2300, 2700, 3500, anything you like, drive it right out. How much do you want to spend? $100. Well, come on over here around the back. We might find something for you. All right. Ah, now there we are. Here is a fine selection of cars around the $100 class. Nice, eh? Looks just like a museum. Well, now let's see. Just what kind of a car do you have in mind? How about a convertible, eh? Do you like to drive with the top down? No, I'm always a weather hat. Well, how about this car here? Do you like it? It's an old. No, that's a two-ohm. Hey, Mr. Do you ever drive a car before? It's been a long time ago in the older country. Oh, I see. You see, I'm not the longest from Italy. I see. Well, now, buddy, I got just the car for you. Yes, there, here it is, a stud. Hardly been used in the last 32 years. Well, look at the dashboard, only 5000 miles. And I'm the original guy who pushed back the speedometer. Is it good, huh? Oh, it's sensational. Not like any ordinary car, you know. This car is different. No windshield, no bumpers, no radio, no heater, no spare tire, no fuel pump, no radiator. Just a good, honest, set of used parts. Now, I'm not so sure that you've got the money. If you've got it, put up or shut up. That's the American way. Put it short or short, I've got the money here. Well, that's the ticket. 100 old dollar bills. We've been waiting for you. Here's the bill of sale signed right here. You got to drive his license? No, but I can drive. Okay, then drive right down to City Hall, get a learner's permit. Hop in, that's right, we stand behind every car we sell. Only way we can push him off the lot. Get set, goodbye. All right. Bye. Come on with me, I'm going to buy. Three, four to five of mine's an hour. Look at me. Hello, Mrs. Appella Green North. Hey, Luigi, your father called. Luigi Robert Bank. No, I'm going to save all my money to buy a car like a real American. Hey, Mr. Indrasano, it's to me, Luigi. Luigi! Luigi! What a capitalist! She's my friend. Hello, Luigi. Hello, hello. Well, if I'm going to take a look, what do you think? What's the happen, Luigi? You got a job in a circus? What are you talking about, the first one? How about you to buy myself a car? What does it look like? How many guesses do you give me? You're just saying it up because I didn't need any help from you. No help from me, eh? Hey, Luigi, why are you putting those two blocks under the front of the wheel? It's an intervention emergency, Brick. But, well, I know it's not the best car, but at least it's all the money. Now I can drive down the street and everybody's going to say, look, Luigi, he's a look like a real American. Yeah, and this is a car you look like a real American. Buffalo Bill. Tell me something, Luigi. You got auto insurance. Auto insurance? What's that? Well, it's like a life insurance. You don't get a pay until the car dies. Looking under your car, I'm going to think somebody's already collected. Then I'm going to need the insurance. Oh, but there's insurance you've got to have that's much more important. That's for accidents. There's a single indemnity, that's if you hit a one person. Then there's a double indemnity, that's if you hit a twiddle. For the first one, I'm not going to hit anybody. What are you talking about? You've got a car, use it. I'm just going to spend all of my money on my car. I'm going to kind of afford this insurance. Oh, Luigi, that's bad. Bad? Terrible. Tell me, little man, are you going to operate as a license? What for? I'm going to operate a license. I'm not going to work for the phone company. I can show how stupid you are. Operator license is a meaning when you hit somebody, you've got a license to operate out of them right away. And you ain't got that either. I hope that's well. All I've got is a learner's permit and a book rules it to study. What am I going to do? I should never have bought a car without asking you what if I first. Now that's the first the smarter thing I've ever heard since we started talking. Luigi, when I'm the CEO, look, so sad, my heart is invested like a palm of the cheese and a hot of spaghetti. You know what I'm going to do for you? What, Pascuali? I'm going to pay for your auto insurance. I'm going to see to it you get your operating license, your driver license, and instead of this old Jalopy, I'm going to buy you a brand new car. Pascuali, you're going to do all of this for me. But the why? Because I'm going to love you, you little pumpkin of hair. With eyes like a two pumpkin seeds and a nose like a banana. Oh, stop it, Pascuali. You're making me blush in the street. And now that I'm going to do you a little favor, maybe you'll do me a little favor. Favor, what the favor you want I should do for you? Well, the why are you down a city hall and getting your driver's license and your operating license? Maybe you go to the next window and get a one or more license. Well, sure, Pascuali. What the kind of license you want I should again? Marriage license for my daughter Rosa. No, Pascuali, I'm not going to marry Rosa. She's a two factor for me. Luigi has to know fair to call a girl a factor just because she's happened to weigh 240 pounds. 250. What do you say? I say 250. I say 240. She's going to have a supper yet. And Luigi, do me a favor. Just to marry Rosa for a little while, you'd be surprised to have my little flowers. She's going to grow out of you. Pascuali, I'm a no flower factor. All right, you biggest stupid, and now I'm going to tell you something. They never going to give you a driver's license without all the wreck you bought. No? No, you're lucky if you stay out of jail. Jail? Sure. When you start driving through the streets like a crazy man, chasing people down the cellars and up the roofs and running for their lives, you know what it's going to say in a newspaper headline? What? Chicago's a hit to buy a new atom bomb. Mamma Mia, I would just start out to buy a car and now I'm lucky if America doesn't declare a war on me. And now for the second act of Luigi Basco's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Evelyn. So Mamma Mia, although I'm realizing my big ambition to own a car like a real American, I'm afraid it's going to bring me a lot of trouble. My quality is to say my car is a look so terrible I'm never going to get a driver's license so I'm going to try to fix it up. I'm going to shine up at the car nice and clean with the two cans of a shoe polish. Also I'm going to put a wall of paper on the inside. And to make it a car look more expensive, I'm going to paint a spare tire on the back. But still I'm having a lot of trouble with a car. Three times a day the street cleaning department has tried to take it away. The biggest trouble I'm having is reading the rule book and trying to learn the traffic rules for my driving test. Mamma Mia, what's the rule? Put a hand out for left turn, a hand out for right turn, a hand out for stop, a hand out for a go. Mamma Mia, this is a book that must be for a man with a forehand. So I'm sitting here studying and suddenly it's open up for my door. Luigi, my friend, I was just passing by and I had to stop in. I just saw your car outside. I congratulate you on making such a wonderful deal. Oh, thank you, Schultz. How much did the man pay you for taking it off his lap? Schultz, please, I'm paying a man of $100 for this car. $100? Schultz, do you think I was stuck? Stuck. Luigi, you was harpooned. This is a car like that. I got only one piece of advice for you. What's that? Keep moving because if you ever stop, people will think you are in an accident. Well, I got to go now. Goodbye, Luigi. Goodbye, Schultz. Well, Luigi, she are up to smile. Nothing in this world is worth crying about. For the Schultz, I've spent my life down on a bad car and I'm gonna go to bed for a driving test. I'm not gonna understand the rules and all that she left for me is to marry Pasquale's daughter, Rossi. If you were in my place, what would you do? Himmel would I let out a scream. Well, Luigi, I really got to go now. Now, come on, Luigi. Be like me. Always happy. Schmarr! My rheumatism is killing me. Mama, me, another hour. I got to take my driving test. Well, I better look in this traffic ruler book and study some more rules to make the left hand turn, turn into the lane to the right of the center, turning into the roadway. But to do not turn. Mama, me, I'ma think I'ma got a loss to the left to turn. Well, I read this some more. To make the left the interest. Hello, Luigi, my little friend and my countryman, what's new with you? Huh? Pasquale, ain't you mad at me no more? Me, I'm mad at you while Luigi's shame on you. You should've known me better than that. You know, there's two sides to my face. If one side is mad at you, the other side is glad at you. You know that. You're so right, Pasquale. That's the way everybody is to call you two-faced. That's the funnest thing. I'm here to come out of difference. Hey, Luigi, what's that the pamphlet you're reading? Well, Pasquale, I gotta go for a drive as a tester now, and I'ma study in the rules, so I should apply. Luigi, I'm gonna help you out. Nobody's know more about a drive as a tester than me. I'ma take it a ten times. Maybe you can tell me, Pasquale, all through this book is this word, V-E-H-I-C-L-E. Ooh, Luigi, you're lucky you got me to explain to you. That's a vehicle. That's to mean a car, what's a drunk. That's what they call auto intoxication. See, there's lots I can teach you. See, you're driving a car, you hit a man inside his home, what's it called? Home in a sign. Big punishment is a go for that, a very big, they stamp on your license, you must wear glasses. Pasquale, thank you. Maybe now I have a chance to pass. Tell me, what I mean by zone? That's a simpler, driving a car is like a game, it's a three kind of zone. T zone, free zone, and an end zone. If you hit a man in the T zone, he's not going to smoke no more. And if you hit him in the end zone, they push you car back a five yard. What's for the free zone? That's to mean you can park for nothing. Now taking a traffic light, is it green light that's for go, is it red light that's for stop? What's for the yellow lights are for? That's for woman to drive, they can do whatever they want. Pasquale, thanks so much for your help. Don't mention it, Luigi, you just to give these answers like I'm going to tell you, and you're going to be fixed up for good. Next applicant, pardon me, mister. You've been waiting here for two hours, what are you waiting for? Well, you're going to call in for people who's the one to applicant. I'm waiting till you call a people who's the one to driver's life. Oh, I see. Well, take your learned permit to boot seven over there, and the inspector will give you your test. Thank you very much. Boot seven. Oh, there it is. Mamma mia, how am I going to driver my car in that little boat? Oh, excuse me, mister. Have a seat. Have you got your call out, sir? Yes. All right, now I'll ask you a few routine questions. First, explain your hand signals. Sure. To make a signal, you've got to stick out to your left hand. First, you've got to let the window down. Left hand, is it to single or right to turn, left to turn, and a press. That's to whether to palm or down. If palm down, when do you stick your hand out with a palm up? Only when you want to see if it's raining. Are you sure you can drive a car? Sure, I'm sure. Well, let's go on outside for the road test. All right. Oh, there. There's my car over there. Is that your car? Uh-huh. I think we have a law covering that. Let me look in my book under the sea. Condemn. They must have overlooked this model. Well, let's get it. Does this car always sag like this? Oh, no. Only one of people is a sit in it. Okay. Start it up. Choke it. Choke it. Choke it to where I'm going to grab it. Pull the choke out there. All right. It's out, then. Now, where should I put it? Brother, step on the gas. The cars are gone. You see, it's a watch. If it's too windy for you, I'm going to stop and put in the windshield. Never mind. This is like going through D-Day again. Hey, all right, there's a sign. It says, no, you turn. What does that mean? Well, that's the simple. It says, no, you turn. That's the mean. It's my turn. Look, there's a stop sign. You want me to stop? I dare you. Of course, stop. Stop right on the corner of First Street. All right. I said First Street, not Second Street. Well, I was a close. Isn't that so good, huh? Well, I'm watching me on a signal. Didn't you see that car behind you? Where's your real vision mirror? What the fort I need a real mirror? If I'm going to want to see who's behind me, I'm going to look back and I could be... Hey, look out! Look out! Look out! Mama Mia, the car is a stop. The inspector is a keep on her going. Take your mask off. The test is over. You ride back. I'll walk. But the why? I'm be happy to drive you back into my car. What are you, a stated? It's a nice day. The sun is shining. I got a wife and four kids. I'll walk. All right, after you walk, I'm a driver. One of you gets there to wait for me. You're too bad. And he was doing so well. Gee, my friend. I know, Luigi. What are you doing with that steering wheel in your hand? Bascuari. I'm a just a type of my driver's test. Luigi, look here. Hair is all of my stuff. A clothes of dirty in a torn face. All of banged up. You walk in with a limp. You don't look like a driver. You look like a pedestrian. What's happened? Here's all of mixed up. All I know is that when I was driving back to the license abuse myself, a car is a come at me. I'm a signal for a stop. I'm a put out the bottom of my hand. But it's a big crash. Oh, Luigi. It is all of my fault. I put my left hand out of the left window. But my right hand wasn't long enough to reach the other window. Maybe you get a driver's license. But not only am I not to get my license, but they take away my learners' permission. They say I'm a nook and drive for at least one a year. And I'm not allowed to walk in the streets for two days. Luigi, Luigi, how could a one man get himself into so much trouble? Believe me, Pascuali, it's not easy. What am I going to do? Man who's caught on my head is going to say he's going to sue me for everything I'm about. Worse than that, Luigi, man has probably got a 20 years of life and assurance. That means he can get you 20 years of the life. Come on, Pascuali, save me, please. Luigi, don't beg. I'm going to help you out of everything. I'm even going to buy you a new car so you still can be proud of like an American. Just to do me one favor. All right, Pascuali, I'm out of your daughter. Well, say it like you mean it. Go ahead, she's away from the call of yourself. All right. Rosa, Rosa. Put some feeling in it, Rosa. Yes, you're my little angel. You love as the call of your himself. Rosa, say hello to Luigi. All right, sir. Rosa, poor little Luigi was just in a terrible auto accident. What do you say to him? If you want to bend, Dave. Who cut off your face? Well, my children, I'm going to give you my blessing and we're going to tell everybody about it. Oh, but, Sebastian, I'm so glad I found you in. Mama, may I ask the matter who's the car on my head? Six-seven, Mr. Secretary. Oh, are you his attorney? Well, look, I admit everything. It was all my fault. I'm willing to make amends. But... I had no right to be driving that car. I had no driver's license, no permit, nothing. But, sir... This has taught me a terrible lesson. Mr. Baskill, I'm prepared to pay for my mistake if you promise not to press suit. I'm not to press suit. Oh. Oh, thank you. I'm always a senator to the tailor. But... Now, Mr. Baskill, let's settle this whole thing right here. Whatever that car is worth, say, uh... Uh, five hundred dollars. Oh, no. A thousand dollars? No, no, no. Okay, you've got me against the wall. How much do you want for the car? One hundred dollars. What? A hundred dollars? Well, here, take it and thank you very much. Wait, I'm not so fast. This is something else. What's the matter? Were you hurt? I got a hole in my pension from the accident. It's going to cost you forty cents for the patch. Here and thank you. And good night. But... Well, La Pascuali, thank you for teaching me about the traffic rules. You're a sister. But, Luigi, what a fool you're sticking out of your hand now. I'm making a right to turn the backer to my star. But what about a rose? A but to Luigi. For the buy a but. You should have listened last week at the time over most of these stations when Luigi Baskill writes another letter to his mama Baskill describing his adventures in America. Life with Luigi is a sigh, Howard, production that is written by Mack Menoff and Lou Demond and directed by Mack Menoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Baskill with Alan Reed as the star. Hans Connery the Shultz and Mary Schiff as Miss Paul. Music is under the direction of Lynn Merck. Bob Stevens is speaking. This is CBS The Columbia Broadcasting System.