 The Kraft Foods Company presents Willard Waterman as the Great Gildersleeve. The Great Gildersleeve is brought to you partially transcribed by the Kraft Foods Company. Well, this is the week most of the kiddies start back to school. This always creates a great deal of consternation and preparation throughout the nation. And in the city of Summerfield, there's one home contributing more than its share to the Confucian. Yeah, it's the home of the Great Gildersleeve. Come on, Leroy. Okay. Here's your lunchbox, Leroy. Okay, Bertie. Leroy, the judge is waiting to take us. Shake a leg. Leroy, let me look at that shirt. Oh, my goodness. Gosh, Marge, I gotta go. I thought I saw a spot on your clean shirt. You spilled prune juice. You'll have to change. Oh, for corn, say. No. Marge, it isn't bad. It just looks like a dark button. What about them ears, Leroy? What about them? Bertie, I renovated his ears personally. Let's keep going, Leroy. You'll be late for school. I was ready 15 minutes ago. Then Marge and Bertie started picking on me. Women. I just want you to look nice, Leroy. You want to make a good impression on your teacher the first day. What's the difference if I'm going to disappoint her the rest of the year? Leroy, the judge is impatient. Honky, you would have to put our car in the shop this week. Ew, now it's all my fault. Here, Leroy, put on this tie. Tie? Marge, either boy doesn't need a tie. Heck no, ties choked me. Stuff in. I'm in a school room anyway. Leroy, lift your chin. I won't wear it. Yes, you will. Now that you're older, you should wear one every day. Whoever heard of a tie and blue jeans. Let's keep going. I have a meeting with the mayor. All right, judge. Uncle Morty, if you're going to meet the mayor, you should have a handkerchief in your brass pocket. Yeah, I have one in my hip pocket. I just, I'm your best one, Mr. Gillslee. Now you just run upstairs and get it. I'm good to run right out the door. Come on, Leroy. How are you heavy? Start the car, judge. And, judge, you're not very talkative this morning. Gildy, I'm happy to show for you and Leroy, but I'm not in the habit of being kept waiting. There was no women, judge. They wouldn't let us go. Change your shirt. Wash your ears. Are your shoes shying? And don't forget your brass pocket handkerchief. Yeah. Well, I suppose your tiredness is understandable. Of course, I have no such problems to contend with around my house. I get up in the morning, have my rye crisp and a beaker of Kailak water, and I'm off to the bench. I don't know how lucky I am, judge, no women. Well, they certainly made us late this morning. The mayor's going to be seething. Darn old women. Well, I'm afraid I'm late also. Blame it on the women. I'm telling you, judge, they run the world. Why, too, Leroy? Leroy, where'd you hear that? I heard you say it once. He won't. He won't, Leroy. We ought to boycott them. Boycott them? Sure. Let's us three bachelors make a deal. Never have anything to do with them. That's hard to do, my boy. Well, of course, but we won't have anything to do with them. Now, Leroy, someday when you're a little older, the right girl will come along and you'll change your mind in the trickling of an eye. Ha! Gildy. You will. You will recognize the magic moment, a chance minking perhaps, a drop glove, a lady in distress, or an exchange of glances. You judge, here's the school. And the spark is ignited as the world stands still and somewhere bells begin to ring. I know. What's this, judge? Gildy, you know what I mean. Well, I never heard the bells ring, but I could be a little deaf. No, I've never been down for the count. You ought to be looks at women anymore, do you? You watch it, judge. The lady's pulling out from the curb. What? Be careful. She's going to put right... Oh, oh, judge. No, you've done it. You bang right into her bumper. It wasn't the judge's fault. Why didn't you watch where she was going? Women. It appears the lady and I have locked bumpers. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's all right. It was our fault. Gildy, get out and fix it. Yes, yes. Why don't you get out? Well, I'm driving. That's obvious, judge. Bounce the car. Leroy, the bell will be ringing any minute. I can get to my seat before the bell stops ringing. All right. Let's hurry. You'd only take a moment, madam. You bounce, Leroy. Big car. It doesn't bounce easily. Yeah, I know a judge. You're all right now, madam. No damage done. Hope you weren't shaken up. No, not at all. Thank you very much. Yeah, that's all right. I have to be running along now, so... So... So... So... So... She was pretty. Well, thanks again. Wait a minute. Are you pleased? Yes. Madam, you miss... Misses? Ah! Yeah, this car you're driving. Doesn't it belong to Mr. Bullard? Yes, it does. You know, I thought so. He's a neighbor of mine, you know. Really? Ah! Remember the deal! You know, then... I'm sorry, but I must be going. But I... I wonder who she is. What a beautiful woman. Gilded! The bells are ringing! It's a strange thing that happened to me this morning. I haven't been able to get her out of my mind all day. Okay. All right. Yo! What is it, Midry? Where are you going? Yeah, I'm coming home. Why? Well, you were... Yeah, I did, didn't I? An exchange of glasses. And the bells began to ring. You said they have a mind? You don't know. Nothing but my hat. Well, you're not wearing a hat. Yeah, I must have left at the office. By the way, Margie, do you have any idea who was driving Mr. Bullard's car this morning? What's this? Does he have a girlfriend we don't know about? Oh! Uncle, that's Mr. Bullard's sister. Your sister? Well, great! She has a daughter about Leroy's age. She has a daughter? Uh-huh. She and Leroy walked home from school together. Married, huh? Well, she was. About three years ago, her husband left her a big ranch in Arizona. Oh! Isn't she attractive, Uncle? Well, we just exchanged glasses. That is all I had was a passing glance at her this morning. You know her name, Margie? Well, the little girl's name is Babs. I don't know what their last name is. Yeah, it isn't important. It means nothing to me. I mean, that is, say, there's Mr. Bullard in the yard inspecting his percentilums. I think I'll run over and pass the time of day. Let me know her name, Uncle. No, Margie. As long as I'm going over, I might find out what her name is. Show her neighborly interest. Well, hello, Mr. Bullard. Good afternoon, Gilda's name. Yeah, I see you're in your chrysanthemum bed. Obviously. Gathering your bouquet for the table tonight? Yeah, I see you have company. Oh, you do? Yeah, I saw her in your car at school today. Well, boulet for you. I guess your sister, Mrs.... Mrs.... Mrs. Gilda's leave. If you came over here to get my sister's vital statistics, suffice it to say she was born in 1916. She's five feet five and three-quarter inches tall, and she weighs 118 pounds. Yeah. Well... And at present, she is very happy. Well, good, good day. Well, wait a minute. Gilda's leave. Take this chrysanthemum. Me? Why? I don't want your trip over here to be a total loss. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He's a hard man to like. Stuffy bullet. Frankly forbidding me to meet his sister. In business, though, I were an adult. I'm the water commissioner. You know, I'm a tax payer. I own my own home. I have a right to know who my neighbors are. You know, Leroy. He went somatic. That's a bike wheel? What happened to the spokes? Babs knocked them out. Babs? Yeah, Mrs. Winthrop's brat over at bullets. Mrs. Winthrop. So that's her name. What do you care what her name is? Look at my bike wheel. Yeah, Leroy. Let's not get upset. How did it happen? I was riding down the sidewalk. No hands. And she stuck a broom handle through the spokes. You're right. Isn't that a dirty trick? What are you gonna do about it? Yeah, Leroy. I can't imagine Mrs. Winthrop's daughter doing a thing like that. Oh, she did. What are you gonna do about it? Well, I think I should take you across the street so you can apologize. Apologize? Me? Go along, my boy. Apologize. I wasn't doing anything. Well, Leroy... I don't get it. She sticks a broom handle through my spokes so I have to apologize. I don't get it. Leroy, not so loud. I don't get it. I should apologize. Well, for one thing, there's a woman involved. And the man always apologizes to the woman. That's the shiverest thing to do. What on? Knee up on the porch, Leroy, like a little man. This is so... Leroy. I don't get it. Yes? Pardon me, Mrs. Winthrop. I'm Trockmorton P. Gellersley. We talked briefly this morning at school. Locked bumpers, remember? Oh, yeah. This is my nephew, Leroy. How do you do, Leroy? Hi. We live across the street. I'm the city water commissioner. Yes, my brother rums things and telling me about you. You don't believe everything he says. Yeah, I mean, I... That is, we came over to apologize. Apologize? It seems your little daughter stuck a broom handle through Leroy's bicycle wheel. And he feels pretty bad about it. Don't you, Leroy? If you say so, Aunt... That's the boy. Now, apologize. I'm afraid I don't understand. Leroy, you say Babs deliberately put a broom handle through your bicycle wheel? Yeah, and I wasn't doing anything. Well, then why should you apologize? Ask Donk! Well... As a matter of fact, Babs should apologize. Oh, no, no, the apologies are all ours. Well, why? Well, Mrs. Wether... Honk says there's a woman involved. Oh. Yeah, well, what I mean was, the man always apologized to the woman. That's a chivalrous thing to do. Well, Mr. Gilda Slave, aren't you being a little mid-victorian? Mid-vict who? Oh. It all seems so silly. Yes, well, I just thought we'd come over and apologize. Well, what for? What's the reason? Well, I thought I had a reason when I came over. Maybe that was your reason, Honk. He just wanted to come over. Leroy... Is the apology finished? Yeah, and so am I. Come on, Leroy, let's go home. Well, seeing Mr. Bullard's beautiful sister was the most electrifying experience the great Gilda Slave ever had. But so far, he's been thwarted in his attempts to be neighborly. Hmm. Yeah. She's so lovely. Yeah, I shouldn't have gone over there. She made me feel like a tongue-tied adolescent. Water commissioner, you missed the boat. While the water commissioner flounders, let's look in on the Bullard Fortress and see how they're reacting to his latest salad. Robinson? In the solarium, Paula. Oh, there you are. I just had a little chat with you, Mr. Gilda Slave. Oh, no. Yeah. He came over to apologize. For living? No, but it was a strange apology. Leroy was riding his bicycle and Bab stuck a broom handle through his wheel. It was a terrible thing for her to do. So what happened? Mr. Gilda Slave came over to apologize to me. Oh, did he? Paula, I can read Gilda Slave like a book. A big, thick, very dull book. The only reason he came over here was to try to meet you. Oh, it was quite obvious. I suppose I should consider it flattering. Paula, how could you? Not every man would go to such lengths to meet a woman. I gave him such a bad time. You did? Paula, I'm proud of you. You're a true bullet. Rumson, I think I should go over and speak to Mr. Gilda Slave. Go over there? Are you out of your mind? Well, it's the least I can do after what Babs did to Leroy. All right, all right. Go ahead. Waste your time with the water commissioner. After all, you're 36. 35. Oh, yeah. You're old enough to know what you're doing. Thank you. But you don't know what you're doing to your brother. Are you really going? Yes. After dinner. The heat has affected her mind. Gilda Slave, this isn't like you. Letting a woman ruin your dinner. I couldn't eat a bite. It isn't that I'm thinking about her. I'm just thinking what a fool she made of me. Oh, Timor. Yes, Marjorie? Mr. Peabee's here. He is? I'm going to drive you to the Jolly Boys meeting tonight. Well, I don't think I'll go, but... Come in, Peabee. Uh-huh, Mr. Jonas Slave. Are you ready for your meeting? Well, I'm not going tonight. Thanks, Peabee. Have a date, Peabee. Peabee, I'll never have another date. Okay. Oh, he's disappointed in women, Mr. Peabee. He's going to say it. Uh-huh. We met Mr. Bullard's sister today. Well, I met her too, but I didn't notice anything that would disappoint her. Don't you let her fool you, Peabee. She's just another ronson bullard. Well, she's prettier. I'll leave you two alone. Cheer him up, Mr. Peabee. I'll try. Anyway, care for a winter green, Mr. Gillifrey? No, thanks, Peabee. Let's see if I can remember any amusing stories told around the fountain today. You never mind. I take it you wish you had a date. Peabee, the lady just assumed I came over to ask for a date. Accidentally, I want to apologize. Well, what did you do to apologize for it? Let's not go into that. Yeah. She tried to embarrass me in front of Leroy. Just because she's a woman, she toyed with me, like a cap toys with a mouse. Well, women can do that on occasion. I know I'm a little mousy sometimes around, Mr. Peabee. Well, I know, mouse. I can play rough, too. I'm going to rare up in my hind legs and have nothing to do with it. My, my. You know, I mean it, Peabee. From now on, Mrs. Wenzup can go her way, and I'll go mine. In fact, I'm not even going to speak to her. Hey, hon! What is it, Leroy? That Mrs. Wenzup's coming across the street. She is? Yeah, I mean, she is. What are you supposed she wants? Maybe she wants to play cat and mouse. Yeah, all right, Peabee. Here she is, honk. Mr. Gildersleeve, I'll step out the back door so you two can be alone. You, Peabee, stand to your ground. I'm going to. Leroy? Yeah? Answer the door and tell Mrs. Wenzup I'm not at home. Oh, boy, will I? Why did she have to come over here anyway? Hi, Mrs. Wenzup. Hello, Leroy. I'd like to speak to Mr. Gildersleeve. Honk says he isn't home. Is there any message? No, and you didn't bother to tell him I called. Okay. Leroy. I sure fixed that, honk. Yeah, you fixed it all right. Now I'll have to go over and explain. Why did you tell her I wasn't home? You said to tell her you weren't home. You didn't have to be rude. I didn't say to tell her I said to tell her I wasn't home. Yes, you did. You said tell her I'm not at home. Yes, but... Give me Mr. Peabee. Yes, again. You keep out of this. I know what I'm doing. No, no, I wouldn't say that. What a terrible thing to say to a lady. Yeah, she'll understand it was simply a boy's prank. Cheers. Here she comes. I can hear her little feet on the hall carpet. What is it, Gildersleeve? Oh, boy. Nice evening. It was? Yes, well... The reason I came over to Mr. Bullard, I'd like to speak to your sister, Mrs. Winter. Oh, well, I have a message for you, Gildersleeve. Really? Yes. She says she isn't home. I didn't say that. I know that. She did. No, this whole thing is a mistake. You are so right. Good night, Gildersleeve. But, Bullard... Good night, Gildersleeve. In just a minute. Gildersleeve, you rainbarrow Romeo. Get off my porch! Rainbar. That doesn't... Bullard, I'll never speak to you or any member of your family again as long as I live. Gildersleeve, I have only one thing to say. Yeah? Well... To you, too. You don't have to pick us up in your car, Judge. We get ours tomorrow. Don't we, young man? Yeah, tomorrow. It's been no trouble at all, Gilder. By the way, I understand the lady who captured your fancy yesterday morning was Mr. Bullard's sister. Judge, she didn't capture my fancy. Hello, boy, young teller. No. Now on, I'm having absolutely nothing to do with Bullard or his sister, even. Women do nothing but complicate a man's life. You said it. Gilder, that's not the way you felt after you talked to her yesterday morning. As I recall, you were seeing stars and hearing bells. Don't be ridiculous, Judge. I did nothing of the kind. I realized right then that Paula Winthrop was just like Bullard. I saw right through her attempts to be friendly with me. She didn't pull the wool over my eyes for a second. What's this? I'll get all that. No, don't you try to defend her, Judge. She's just like all women. Yeah, all Bullards. You can't trust them. Next time I meet her on the street, I'll cross over to the other side. Now you're talking, honk. Yeah, here you are, Leroy. Almost time for school. You better run in, my boy, before the bell rings. Okay. Oof. Who did that? Somebody snatched us. If they scratched my bag bumper. I mean, Jim, with drivers. Mr. Bullard's car. Bullard. Yeah, that's what I've been waiting for. Let me handle it, Judge. Punch him in the nose, honk. Now get a little... Stand back, Judge. What's the matter with you, Bullard? Can't you see where you're going? You... You... It's you. Well, Mr. Gildersleeve. You follow? Yeah, I mean, Mrs. Winthrop. I didn't know it was you. Mr. Gildersleeve, wasn't that rather stupid of you stopping right in front of me? Stupid? No way. All you had to do was look back, and you could have seen I was going to park here. Yes, but... She looks so sweet. But she sounds just like Bullard. What's going on, honk? Hurry up, Gildersleeve. All right, Mrs. Winthrop. I'm very sorry we happened to be on this street. And I'm very sorry we happened to be stopped right where you were driving. I'm very sorry for Lily. Are you really? Yes. Why don't you come over this evening and apologize? Rumson won't be home. But I will. He'll answer right behind you. He knows at Leeroy. The great Gildersleeve will be back in just a minute. Let's see. Monday. Hi there, Bertie. What's cooking? That's what I'm trying to figure out, Mr. Heaston, just what Bertie's going to be cooking. I plan in next week's meals. Oh, what's this you have down here for lunch, Bertie? Oh, here, where you have velvita, apples, sandwiches, and bacon. Oh, that's one of Mr. Gildersleeve's favorites. Mr. Heaston. Are they easy to make, Bertie? Yes, sir. You just spread slices of toast with craft mayonnaise and put a slice of good golden velvita on each one. Then just put a thick broiled apple ring on the velvita and top each sandwich off with two slices of bacon you're partly brailed. Then Bertie slides those sandwiches into a medium oven till the bacon is crisp and the velvita's melted. It never takes long because velvita melts so easy. And do they come out good? Oh, I'll bet, Bertie. After all, craft pasteurized processed cheese food is delicious with its rich yet mild cheddar flavor. And those velvita sandwiches stick to your ribs, too, Mr. Heaston. Right, you are, Bertie. Velvita is rich in important food values for milk, so it's good for every member of the family. You know, even tiny tots can enjoy it because velvita is digestible as milk itself. That's why Bertie cooks with velvita so much, Mr. Heaston. Velvita is wholesome good. You're right, Bertie. That's why Bertie cooks with velvita because it's wholesome good. I know, Bertie. Mr. Heaston, you know why Bertie cooks with velvita so much. Yes, Bertie. That's right because velvita is wholesome good. You were a knight, Paula. The full moon, your hammock. Lovely, isn't it? You know, I misjudged you. Yeah, I thought you were pretty hard to get along with. And now I know that isn't true. You're gentle and sweet. Thank you, Cropmorton. I really like you very much. You do? Yeah. Paula, I hear bells. That's my brother, Williamson, at the front door. I'll sneak out through the hedge. Good night, Paula. Good night, folks. This is played by Willard Waterman. The show is written by John Elliott and Andy White at this partially transcribed. Excluded to the cast are Walter Tetley, Mary Lee Robb, Lillian Randolph, Gail Gordon, Jean Bates, Earl Ross, and Dick Legrand. Musical compositions by Jack Meakin. This is John Heaston saying good night for the Kraft Foods Company, makers of those famous Kraft quality foods. Be sure to listen in next Wednesday and every Wednesday for the further adventures of The Great Hildesley.