 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, stop trying to show him you care or you love him and do this instead. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit that subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if at any time the content here resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. Occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence and if an F bomb or two isn't your cup of tea that I highly recommend logging off now. Lastly, these are just my perceptions in my opinions. This is by no way means the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. So just to repeat, these are just my perceptions in my opinions. All right, let's jump into the topic. What is it again? Stop trying to show him your value and do this instead. All right, let's face it. When, whether you're a man or woman, when we like somebody, when we feel excited about someone and we like to show it, we like to tell them we like to do things, that's just a natural thing. When you feel good about someone, you want to be demonstrative and effusive and make effort into the relationship. And I know many of you are being taught this narrative that making effort is being in your masculine energy. Let me repeat that. Making effort is being in your masculine energy. And the worst thing you can do when you're with a man is to be in your masculine. That's what a lot, the narrative is out there. I want to shift that narrative because it's not, making effort has nothing to do with men or women. I want to just say this. Men and women should equally want to make effort. I'll repeat that. Men and women should equally want to make effort. I say the word should only because if you want to be in a healthy, happy relationship, if you want to be in a relationship that's a two lane street where you're both traveling together, you're in your car, he's in your car, you're in this two lane street traveling together versus he's off going this way and you're trying to pull him back into it. And that's kind of the narrative that many of you have been, okay now I'm tongue tied a little bit because I'm trying to shift the narrative from an understanding that this has nothing to do with masculine or feminine energy. Making effort in a relationship is a good human thing to do. It's a good thing to do as a human being as a person to want to make effort. I don't think the issue with most women is around making effort. I really don't believe that. I think the greater challenge for most women is that you tend to give your power away to a man. Yeah, let me repeat that. You give your power away to a man because you've been indoctrinated in this belief that men are the leaders of the relationship and if he really likes you, he's going to claim you and all you have to do is sit back in your feminine and that's all you have to do. Well, that particular narrative actually sets you up for failure in my opinion. It sets you up for failure. And what I mean to say is it sets you up for giving your power away. And so you're no longer investing in the relationship you're trying to be in your feminine and hold back and not say anything and let him do all the work. And all of a sudden you get frustrated because little by little you're giving your power away to him. And that's what we're going to lean into today. We're going to lean into what causes you to give your power away or excuse me, the types of ways you give your power away and how we can shift this narrative. So it really comes back to being a relationship where it's a two lane street. So I'm going to pull up my trusty glasses. Everyone I've got my notes here, all right? So examples of giving your power away. Well, first off, the relationship is on his terms. Let me repeat that. The relationship is on his terms. What basically is you're waiting for his phone call you're waiting for him to plantage. You're basically waiting for him to do everything. Folks, if you're in midlife which is after baby making years and before retirement which is the majority of my clientele. Let me just say this. Men and women have busy lives. They've got stuff going on. They've got their work. They've got their children. Maybe they're going through a nasty divorce. Maybe they've got some health issues. Maybe they've got some other stuff going on in their life. So they're not thinking 24 seven I better lead the relationship. I better lead the relationship because that's what masculine energy is supposed to do. And I'm with this woman who's in her feminine energy so I better make sure I'm leading because she's leaning back in her energy. I just went up on a kind of a little rant there for a second, but I think you get my point. Men aren't thinking this way. This is one of the reasons why I'm such a big proponent of two people equally making effort. So when the relationship is on his terms and not adding to your terms which means knowing your standards and knowing your boundaries. Let me repeat that. Knowing your standards and knowing your boundaries. One of the things I've noticed as a dating and relationship coach for women when a woman hires me, one of the primary reasons she hires me is because she doesn't even know what she wants in relationships. She doesn't even know her standards. But what's so funny is every woman who sets up a discovery call with me all thinks they know what they want in relationship and they all think they know their standards and why I say they think this because after going through my proprietary program every woman says the same thing. Why didn't I learn this years ago? Why didn't I understand standards before? Why didn't I understand how to ask the right questions and how to set boundaries? So if you need some support with that check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you because I'm here to say when the relationship is on his terms you're already set up for failure. Number two, you're afraid to speak your truth. Oh my God, ladies, I can't begin to tell you how many women come to me so afraid to speak up to a guy. I mean, I witnessed it in the chat rooms. I witnessed it in the emails I get. I witnessed it in the comments. You're so afraid to disrupt the apple cart because you're afraid he's gonna break up with you. Ladies, I want you to know something. It's imperative that if it's material to the relationship or material to your wellbeing you have to speak up. You have no choice because it's gonna get swept under the rug. When I wrote my book, what the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? Chapter one is speak your truth, do it with kindness. Chapter nine is if it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Ladies, giving your power away means you're like this. You're afraid to talk. And let me tell you something. When you're in the right relationship you're never afraid to speak your truth. Only when you're in the wrong relationship or when you're in a state of fear over this man it's because you've given your power away. And the only way to retain your power or not the only way, one of the multiple ways to retain your power is to speak your truth. And as I said before, know your standards and know your boundaries. Number three, when the relationship ends all you do is focus on him. You're hyper focused on what he did wrong and what he didn't give you and how the relationship should have been different. And then you're thinking, well, what if I could have done this different? And what if I folks when the relationship ends there's only one person you should be focused on and that is yourself. That is your loving point at Instagram right now. That is yourself. You should be focused on yourself, not him. The minute you're focused on them that means they still retain your power. And that means they're gonna retain your power with the next man you're going to meet. Yeah, guess what? If you don't regain your power back how can you be a value to the next person you meet when this relationship ends? So let me just say this, if you really want to get prepared, if a relationship ended and you're still thinking about them or trying to wish it was a different way or you think you could have done something different or it's all about what he did wrong you've got to cut that cord. Because if you don't cut that cord it's gonna bleed into every future relationship or dating experience you have. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? I hope so. Number four, you're waiting for him to initiate contact folks. Let me just tell you something. Men and women are equally busy. It's going to require two people to make effort. This whole stupid narrative based on the book that rules has set you up for failure. It's all game playing. When I hear dating advice it says wait four hours to return a text message or make them jump through this hoop or make them climb to the tallest highest room of the tallest tower. Let me tell you something. Most midlife men, most men at midlife their patience level is about a nanosecond. If you're adopting the old belief system about how relationships should be you're setting yourself up for failure. This is why I highly recommend reading the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated to really get a sense of how to approach the relationship process without gender expectations because the real challenge here today for many of you is the narrative that you've heard throughout your whole life that men are leaders of the relationship. It's all been, by the way throughout history it's all been a one up one down. Men are superior to women. I'm not an advocate for that. And by the way for the trolls that are listening that doesn't make me a simp, okay? For some of the trolls that will come out and say well this guy's just a simp. No, I believe in individual empowerment. I don't care if you have a penis or a vagina or if you have both at the same time it's about individual empowerment and a relationship is healthy when two empowered people two empowered people are on that street that two lane street. This is one of the reasons why folks if you haven't ever read this book, personhood. Personhood, I highly recommend reading this book. Oh my God, this is such a great book to really step into your power because it's not masculine and feminine power. It's about individual empowerment. And when you're leaning into your individual empowerment you're never chasing a guy. You're never worried about the effort you make. You're not even worried about the effort he's making because it's all going to work out famously or like knitting this together which will eventually look like this when you are in your empowerment but folks so many of you give your power away that you're already set up for failure. It's as if your relationship was built on quicksand. Okay, number five. You stopped doing your pre-relationship life. It's all about him. Many of you just literally stopped doing what you did before and make it all about him in your life. And let me just say something. Men have their own lives, you have to have your own life. Now I know many of you do this and many of you're like, no, I don't abandon myself for a guy but again, many of you do. You give your power away to guys and that's gonna set you up for failure. And number six, feeling like you can't live without him. Oh my gosh, folks, that is basically an unhealthy attachment, unhealthy attachment. And if you're not familiar with the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I highly recommend reading this book so you can understand. If you feel like you can't live without him that just means you have an unhealthy attachment to him or you're experiencing what's known as the Amago. Your experience, I highly recommend reading the book Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt so you can understand because most likely you're reliving a childhood experience and the man you're with represents either your mother or father and you're trying to get their love. When you understand unhealthy attachment, you recognize that you can of course live without this person in your life. Look, many of you know, I lost my 19 year old son Connor. There's a picture of him right there. He's not in my life. I have no choice in the matter because he's passed away. And I'm here to say, I'm still living. In fact, in his honor, I am living. In fact, in his honor, he gives me the strength to come up and start talking like I do in this. I'm laughing because of the way my style is and it's quite reminiscent of Connor's style. Very much bravado, very much in your face kind of style and in his honor, I'm living my life. And so folks, you can live without this guy. You can have a great chemistry with someone else. He isn't the only guy in your life and many of you are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. And I'm here to say when you're operating from that space, you've given your power away and it's gonna be difficult to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. And number seven, I have seven here. You think the other person is the only person in the entire universe that you'll have chemistry with. I said this before earlier, but again, look at, I understand chemistry is a real bitch. I mean, to have that energetic click and it's really challenging today because we have this belief that we have so many options and when there's one person to swipe away and another person to swipe away and another person to swipe away and you've gone through hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and you feel like, gosh, you haven't and then the minute you do have chemistry with someone, you do everything to hold on to it. But let me just say this about chemistry. If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg and I created a new one for you all, here's my new relationship iceberg. All right, the above the waterline is attraction, below the waterline is compatibility, okay? Above the waterline is chemistry, below the waterline is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And as you start to experience shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity, the waterline of attraction begins to recede, which means you have more and more attraction with this person and what you're left with when the water completely evaporates is you have a mountain of a relationship and when you've heard the phrase, men will move mountains, it's because not only do you have chemistry, you have shared values, lifestyles that can blend with one another and you have emotional maturity. And this is what you should be vetting for in the early stages of dating. In fact, e-harmonies slogan is when you take compatibility and ignite it with chemistry, then you have a relationship with that can possibly be successful. This is one of the reasons why in my private coaching I teach you how to pre-qualify your prospect so you're not spending time creating chemistry with the wrong person, you pre-qualify the person ahead of time, do you share the same values, are your lifestyles blendable and lastly, how to vet for emotional maturity. And if you need help with that, check out a link for a free discovery call with me, again to see if working with the coach is right for you. So what's the solution to all of this? Folks, it comes down to standards and boundaries. Let me repeat that, standards and boundaries and basically loving on oneself. If you do not know what your standard is in relationship, then I highly recommend reaching out to me and scheduling a call because without knowing your standard and your standard isn't how tall the guy is and what kind of car he drives or does he smoke or doesn't smoke, those are all part of the process. But I'm talking about what is it that you want in a relationship from a mechanical perspective. If you're not familiar with the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, I highly recommend this so you can get a sense of what your standards could be because folks, many of you, many of you are trying to prove your value based on this feminine energy. And let me just tell you something, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. What works is actually leaning into your empowerment, leaning into your standards, leaning into your boundaries, leaning into the understanding that you are gonna be absolutely okay if this guy doesn't love you. And the minute you can start feeling that, you'll be surprised how you'll attract amazing person in your life and that's my invitation for everyone. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, because that's what love would do and that's how love would respond and I want everyone to operate from a place of love. All right, I think this would be a great place to start taking questions. So for those who know my work, know that this is how I work. If you're listening to the replay of this, well, first off, if you're on live in the live chat box on YouTube, you can post a question by writing the word question and then posting the question thereafter or you can purchase a Super Sticker or Super Chat. The monies from the Super Stickers and Super Chats go to a scholarship fund in the name of Connor Asley, my son who passed away. And this foundation or this fund is to help defray the cost of personal development for those who can't afford the full cost of personal development. I'm helping to defray some of the costs with the Super Sticker Super Chats. Also, if you find value with my content, please purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat just to let me know that it is resonating with you and you do like what I have to share. All right, let's jump in here. By the way, I know it's someone's anniversary. I saw that earlier. So I just want to say happy anniversary. I think it was Kit Kat or something like that. All right, Jennifer says, Attached is a great, is a good book. I agree. Catherine says, amen to empowered people in a relationship, exactly. All right. Be enthusiastic, be inspired. Says, how's Connor express love, especially how, wait, especially how he is a son. Is he the only one son? No, I have two boys. That's my other son, Colin. There's a picture of both my boys and Connor's the one who passed away. So thank you for asking. All right, Elaine says, yes, mutual effort is required. This idea that you shouldn't show, make effort, absolutely you want to make effort. It is imperative that we make effort. It's just you don't have to prove yourself to another human being. In fact, and by the way, it's natural in the early stages to want to make a good impression, folks. It is a natural to want to make a good impression, but you don't have to prove your value to someone. Okay, your value, if you're in your empowerment, you don't need to prove your value because the right person is going to appreciate you for who you are. It's just the difficult piece, folks, today is that we're meeting total strangers. That's right, we're meeting total strangers and it requires a lot more skills to get to know another human being. In fact, I pulled out my book the other day. Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People I'm not in love with the title per se because it is somewhat, just the title itself sets us up for manipulation. What I like about the book is it's really understanding how to, it's really teaching how to communicate better and how to get to know someone at a much deeper level. Folks, men are the leaders of the relationship. That's what this book teaches you, right? And you just play manipulative games and let them pretend to let them lead. That temporarily works for a second but men are fucking clueless at the area of leading relationship, especially at midlife, because most guys don't know what they want other than connection and sex. So it's imperative that before the penis goes inside the vagina, you purchase two copies of this book, Eight Dates, buy him a copy and you keep a copy so you can actually lean into the understanding of what it takes to actually build a relationship and then learning how to ask the right questions ahead of time that's taught in this book as well. Or you schedule a call with me and I'll teach, I'll make it personalized just for you. But that's the real challenge today is when we're meeting strangers, we don't know if we share the same values if our lifestyles are blendable. And lastly, if they are emotionally mature. Is this sinking in? I hope so. All right, thank you so much for that question which gave me a rant. All right, if you have a question, what the fuck, Jonathan? I have several books on my nightstand that I'm trying to read. I started with What the Heck Self Love Anyway. Great book to start with. All right, folks, I do recommend a lot of books. There's no doubt about it. Why do I do this? Because let me tell you something. Making change in your life or growing beyond our limitations is gonna require effort. And I can't think of any better place to start than these books. 1995, you know, 799, you know, 1199, it's a small investment. By the way, this is a big investment in your life. It's a small investment to make big change in your life. And then follow up with watching the videos and going to workshops and going to trainings. Because folks, at the end of the day, the quality of your relationships is going to determine the quality of your life. And the most important relationship you'll ever have is the relationship with self. So here's the bottom line. If you don't have a good relationship with yourself, it doesn't matter if a man enters your life or not, you can have temporary companionship, but it can be miserable. So when you're feeling good about yourself and you don't give your power away, by the way, the self-love club doesn't give their power away. Are you part of the self-love club that doesn't give your power away? Boom, be empowered. Because when you can retain your power, it doesn't matter if you have a relationship or not, you're experiencing joy and happiness in your life because you are in your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-reliance, your self-love. All right. Let's go check out to see what questions we have. Again, if you have a question, post the word question and write the question thereafter, this is in the YouTube chat. Let's go swimming, let's go. God, I swear I got that in my mouth. Okay, Karina says, question, how do we cut the cord? Please give an example. Well, there's actually cord-cutting ceremonies you can do, but ultimately, I'm gonna tell you, it requires self-discipline. It requires an understanding that the minute your thoughts go on this person, you have to shift the thoughts. So first, what I do when I'm going down a rabbit hole of thoughts, I do a pattern interrupt in my life. I do a pattern interrupt. My particular pattern interrupt is called blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, I know it's, but it's a pattern interrupt to shift what the noise, the monkey mind, and then find other things to fill your thoughts that have nothing to do with the person. Ultimately, you may need to block them on your phone. You may need to remove them on your social media. That might be some other things. You may need to maybe even remove any of the pictures or maybe the cards you have and put it in a box somewhere. But ultimately, it's gonna require tremendous amount of discipline because there really, folks, there is no other way. We are such lazy fucking human beings here in the United States. We want everything spoon fed for us. We want some magic pill that's gonna change everything. I mean, the whole diet industry is riddled with that and so many other things. We are searching for the simple fix. The hard fix is self-discipline. How do you think somebody who weighs 300 pounds loses weight? It takes fucking discipline. You could do the easy route, you can get your stomach stapled and for some people they might need to do that. But ultimately, it takes discipline. And to cut the cord, it's gonna take the discipline and saying, I'm shifting my narrative about this person. By the way, one thing you could do, I'm gonna add something to this equation, is you can list everything you learn, positive things you learned about yourself in the relationship and everything that was good and grateful. List it all down, write it on a sheet of paper and then burn it and let it go. Retain what you learned about yourself, retain the good things, because if you're feeling negativity for the person, it's gonna carry forward in every future relationship they're after. So focus on what was good, not from a I want him back perspective, but from a place of gratitude and say, I move on, I move on and I wish them well. And you might wanna also read the book, this is a great book, Conscious Uncoupling by Catherine Woodward Thomas. Conscious Uncoupling by Catherine Woodward Thomas. She's a dear friend of mine. She wrote the back endorsement on my book. This is a, she's a best-selling author. In fact, I'm in this book on page 220. This would be a great book to help you also learn to additional techniques of cutting the cord if you will. But the ones I share to the ones that I believe are the hardest to do and the most rewarding is when we step into our empowerment and say, I let go of this person and it's okay. And I'm gonna be okay. Let me repeat that. It's okay to let go of this person and I'm gonna be okay. Are you with me? Give me a thumbs up, thanks so much. Great question there, Karina. All right, Kobe says, is it ever too early to tell a woman I'm in love with you? Question, is it ever too early to tell a woman I'm in love with you? First off, I wanna and Kobe, great question. So I want you to be careful because we oftentimes in a state of infatuation can say the words, I love you. Now in my world, I love you means I'm here. You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. I'm gonna repeat that. I'm here. That means I'm present. I'm here. You matter. Means that the person matters. We are important. In other words, we are a separate entity. We're important. I've got your back. Means I'm gonna be there for you as a team mate. I'm not going anywhere. I'm committed to this and I only want you meaning I want you passionately. Here's the thing. I don't believe genuine true love happens until you actually can be there for the person during the tough times. Can you be there for that person if they're going through chemotherapy and can you wipe the vomit from their face? Because a lot of people will say the words, I love you in the first one, two, three months of dating. That's not I love you. That's I lust you and I'm in limerence. I'm gonna repeat that. I lust you and I'm in limerence. L-I-M-E-R-C-E-N-C-E, okay? Means extreme infatuation. Kobe, don't say the words, I love you until you actually know that you're gonna go the distance in a relationship. Let me repeat that, folks. The words, I love you shouldn't be uttered until you actually think I can go the distance with this person. And yet today, we cavalierly throw out the words, I love you. And quite frankly, how many people say the words, I love you and they physically abuse their partner? Well, let's not go on to that tangent. But I wanna say this, Kobe, and that's a great question. Say it when you think you're gonna go the distance with this person. And don't say it until that. Or at least have code with each other. And to recognize that this, you might say the words, I love you with the intent that you're exploring the idea of distance. You're being intentional about exploring the idea of going the distance, excuse me. Does that help, Kobe? I hope so. Great question. And I'm so glad a guy asked that question. Folks, you see there are men now following my channel. Woo-hoo. All right. Jennifer says empowered energy, yes. Oh, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Let's keep swimming, let's keep swimming. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Sorry, folks. Oh, here we go, from Lira. Hope I pronounced your name properly. All right, question. I read a lot of books, most of the ones on your list, in Untethered Soul, about getting out of my mind. So does reading YouTube videos keep you in your mind is contradictory? So folks, she brings up an amazing book. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Here's the thing, Lira. It's not about getting out of your mind. It's about learning how to talk to the voices in your head. We have a roommate in we had, we have our voices in our head. Our thoughts create our feelings. Our thoughts create our feelings. So the thoughts you choose are going to create the feelings. So if your thoughts are based on negativity, based on giving your power away, believing that this guy is the only guy you'll ever be in your life, if you're focused there, then you're setting yourself up. For failure, I'm using examples, not failure. You're setting yourself up for unease. So choose the thoughts, because we can't get out of our mind. We are in our mind 24-7. The trick is to learn how to navigate the voices in our head. And this book gives you a great start at it. I also recommend reading the book, Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. And if you want to do a deeper dive, I highly recommend, if you really want to go ninja level learning, everyone hold on a second. You want to go ninja level learning. I should now keep this book handy. This is ninja level. This is like steroids. And this is a bitch. This is called The Course in Miracles. The Course in Miracles. It's 365 lessons. There's a lesson a day. Look how fucking thick that book is. And the print is tiny, folks. The print is tiny. I recommend not doing this by yourself. Do this in a study group. Do this book in a study group. But if you're ready to go to ninja level emotional maturity, I did this for three straight years. Every day, Monday through Sunday. Every day I got into a study group. Eight in the morning. I mean, I missed some days. I was out of 365 days. I probably did 300 days worth. But I mean, I did three years worth. But I'm telling you, folks, this is really deep stuff I'm talking about. My channel isn't about the dating technique of how to text your ex back or all the bullshit dating advice that's taught in the book, The Rules. I'm here to empower you to take charge of your life from an inner peace perspective. And I say this humbly because, and I'm so, I'm now driven by Connor as I share this with you. I began writing my book two months after Connor passed away. And I recognized that in the writing was this desire to get the message out, to be a wake up call for individuals, to shift from the stupid narrative that we've been indoctrinated in dating advice all centered about men are the leaders of the relationship and manipulative games and everything else. I'm so fucking tired of it. I am so fucking tired of manipulation and the lack of humanity and the lack of compassion and the lack of self love and the lack of emotional maturity. And this is why I scream at the top of my lungs over and over again. And listen, I know many of you watch me repeatedly, which I appreciate and many of you are brand new. So some of this might feel new to you and some of you like this Jonathan, you're repeating yourself. Why? Because there's a saying, how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice. I'm here to encourage everyone to do a deep dive into oneself because it's not about getting the guy. I know my titles oftentimes are designed to make you click. But I like to think I'm also giving you a tremendous amount of encouragement to shift from the stupid narratives we've all been taught and start to be individually empowered with your man or a woman watching my channel. And thankfully more men like Kobe are watching my channel and Todd and Glenn and a few others are regulars. And I know we have the trolls that come on that tell me I'm a simp, that I'm a wuss, that I'm a feminine, you know what, which cracks me up because if you know me, you know that ain't true. Ain't true is not true. But anyway, all right, I went off on a tangent. What was the original question? Oh, about getting out of your head. So folks, we can't avoid our head. What we can do is learn how to talk to the voices in our head and through these materials. I hope it makes a difference in your life and that's my invitation. I hope that helped. Thank you so much. Great question, Lera. All right. Um, Ellen says, it doesn't matter if you have a penis and vagina. That's rich, Jonathan, my biggest laugh of the day. Thank you. I do try to use humor to make this message go down a little more palatable. Alexandra says, I also got the Hoffman process that you suggested. Folks, this work, the book, the Hoffman process. This is going to take 50 hours of work, minimum 50 hours of work. It's imperative that if you want a healthier, happier, inner peace life, then I recommend doing the work here. Actually go to the physical workshop. I went to the one in Napa and I'm here to say it is a game changer. So Alexandra, thank you for bringing it up. But folks, it doesn't, you can get it. Listen, you can play the manipulative games to get into a relationship, but you'll be single again in a short period of time or you'll choose the wrong person. I want to encourage you to make better choices. I want to encourage you to pre-qualify your prospect. And most importantly, I want you to show up as the best human being. And whether you get a boyfriend out of it or not or a girlfriend out of it or not, you're still happy. And sometimes, and this is the tricky part because I'm finding this out for myself. I'm finding out that I spent the majority of my life very codependent, codependent. I was suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I was suckling on that nipple so much. And the last four years, which included the ending of my most significant relationship, the loss of my mother, the loss of my son and spending the last almost four years learning to just appreciate and love on myself. And the hard part is you actually get so comfortable being by yourself. It's gonna take a leap of faith to move into that space of being in relationship with one another. And I'm certainly open to my soulmate showing up. And if she knocks on my door and she sends me an email through YouTube or my website or whatever, I'm not gonna push her away. But it's going to take another, it's gonna take a little leap of faith to go from that place of being really happy by yourself and also wanting a partner. And I encourage every one of you that when you come from a place of being happy with yourself, it actually makes it, I suspect and I say it as a suspicion because I can't say it as a fact. I suspect it's easier to make that leap of faith versus the times when you're really struggling on yourself and you don't feel worthy to be in a relationship. And a lot of times men and women sabotage relationships because they don't feel worthy. It doesn't make them bad people, it just makes them human. All right, thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it. All right, what other questions do we have here? Oops. Well, I just lost my livestream. Sorry about that. I just lost my Instagram live. Okay, so what other questions do we have here? Let's go swim in, let's go swim in. Yvonne says, amen to that, thank you. All right, what else do we have? Sherry says, your standards, what you will tolerate and when you call BS. Are you comfortable around this person? Do you laugh together? Is this person the kind in front of you and out in public? Eye contact is crucial. So here's the way I look at a standard. I look at a standard of very different. My standard is what do I want in relationships? So for those who know me know, I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days a night a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, partnership skills, both in our personal and our professional lives and intimacy, both emotional and physical intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. Okay, that's my standard. My boundary is when I'm either, if I don't shoot, if I'm looking at a person that doesn't meet that standard then I have to establish the boundary around that, okay? Now in addition, it's not about what you tolerate. I think it's basically setting it up as what is your desire? And then if that desire isn't being met is speaking up with regards to that because a boundary is simply what's okay and what's not okay for me. So the standard is one side of the coin and the other side is a boundary. And I'm just giving a little bit different terminology to it, but that's how I approach a standard or a boundary. So thank you so much, Sherry. I appreciate that. All right, what else do we have here? Let's go, any questions or purchase a super stick or super chat? And if I'm making a difference right now, please purchase a super stick or super chat. All right, that says, I'm tired of feeling like I'm two, three, four, five to a poker, cheating worthless friends that only will be there to get them in trouble and alone. I'm tired of feeling like I'm two, three, four, five, number two, three, four, five to poker, cheating worthless friends. You know, I feel, I'm a little bothered by this only to the, Beth, please forgive me here if it feels like I'm calling you out. But I'm only bothered here is if your focus is negativity then you're gonna see more negativity in your life. If your focus is positivity, then my invitation for you is to focus positivity. Now look, have a run, I get it. It's a cluster fuck out there. It is a cluster fuck out there. By the way, my coffee mug says swear a little, you'll feel better. So I'm saying cluster fuck. I get it. So the question is, how can we find the humanity in all of this? This is why I come back to this book. If the Buddha dated because that finds the humanity in the process and reading all these books, plus I highly recommend reading the book, How to Make Love All the Time by Barbara DeAngelis. And why I'm recommending this book in particular is I want everyone to start shifting the mindset from all the past, look it. The past is prologue. The past is prologue. Matter of fact, let's talk about one more book right now. But the past is prologue. The second, and this is kind of taking from a cue from Connor, there's Connor again, because he really should have written this book. The book is called the subtle art of not giving a fuck. And when you can actually lean into not stepping into the shit of focusing on what's wrong and start stepping into what's right, you're going to start to experience better and better experiences. At least that's my invitation for you. So Beth, I'm sorry, I just felt like the need to call that out because I'm feeling negativity and I'm just here to encourage, not to be Pollyanna and encourage positivity, I'm just here to say the more positivity in your mindset, the greater happiness you experience in your life as well. So thank you so much. All right. Well, we don't have too many questions today, which is a little, oh, here we go. I.S.S. Question, your thoughts on whether one should put one's mask and vaccination views on online dating profile. That's an interesting question. So we literally now, here at least in the United States, it's basically, it's like red and blue, Democrat and Republican, vast, no vast. We are literally, we're actually experiencing what I think is almost a civil war of beliefs and ideas. And it's almost becoming black and white and almost them against you or you against them. So to the extent that I would post vaccinated and how you feel about masks, go for it. Just recognize that you have to be careful because that might set you up as your ideology being extreme. And I'm, by the way folks, I'm the middle of the road guy. First off, I can't stand every single politician on the planet, cannot stand them. So I don't like politics in general and I don't like one side or the other. That's just my personal view. As far as masks are concerned and vaccinations, you know, I believe it genuinely is a personal preference because let me tell you something, when I got the vaccination, it gave me a laundry list of things that said, beware, beware, beware. And you had to sign it and I'm like, you know what? I almost did not want to do it because of all the things that could go wrong. And I respect people that say, you know what? I'm not up for that. So my point is, is I respect people's ideology, okay? For the most part. The ideology I don't like is crappy dating advice. That's the only ideology that I can't stand, but that's me. With that said, I want to have compassion for everybody, wherever they're out in the spectrum. The point about bringing it up is if it's come, if your ideology is strong to one side, then you're going to need someone else whose ideology is strong. My ideology isn't strong because I focus on, my ideology comes from a place of, I want to understand everybody's point of view and I want them to understand and accept my point of view but that's where I'm coming at. So that's a great question. Thank you so much. I hope I answered it for everybody on what they might want to do in that particular case. So Aya, thank you so much. All right, if you have a, oh, here we go. All right, sunshine says, and Rebecca says I'm in the middle of the road. Hey, Rebecca, question. How do you deal with jealousy and relationship? I missed out on a lot of things because I was single for two decades. I'm jealous of someone else's experiences and memories. So jealousy is unhealthy emotional well-being. I'm gonna repeat that, unhealthy emotional well-being. Jealousy is a lack of self-love. I want to tell you a story. I dated a woman. This was, gosh, a couple of years after my divorce. I mean, drop dead gorgeous, made multi-millions dollars a year. I felt like she was so out of my league. I'm like, what is she doing with me? And guys used to hit on her all the time. Guys used to hit on her all the time. But for whatever reason, I didn't get jealous because my feeling was I'm the one going to bed with her at night. I'm the one that's having sex with her whenever I want or at least whenever we were together, which was most of the time. So what was there a need to be jealous? Jealousy is a lack, in my opinion, a lack of loving on oneself. And by the way, even though I was a train wreck back, I didn't get jealous, but I had a lot of other in-fiority complexes, insecurities and in-fiority complexes. I'm not pronouncing it properly. But it's really, truthfully, a lack of self-worth. And also it's a lack of trust. You know, I'm a believer that I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them. That's just how I operate. I operate as you're innocent before, you know, and I have to see proof if you're guilty. So my belief is this, by the way, let me just say this. I've dated women with trust issues and I've dated women who are jealous. It lasts about a nanosecond. I put up with jealousy for about, you know, happens once, shame on you. If I allow it a second time, shame on me. Happens a third time, you're fucking out. So my point is, if you have a propensity to get jealous, then I highly recommend reading this book, you better do the Hoffman process. Do the Hoffman process, because if you can't get out of your own head there, you will sabotage every relationship and what's the value of that. And by the way, you know this about yourself. If you know this about yourself, then you can actually do something about it. But my guess is most people will spend more time brushing their teeth, getting their hair done, getting their nails done, buying clothes, shopping, watching reality TV, then spending one hour a day on their own personal development. And like I said, the Hoffman process is a 50 hours worth of work. So you wanna fix your narrative with men, then do the work beforehand and then try to appreciate, try to trust a man and allow him to at least treat him as trustworthy until he shows you otherwise. All right, I hope I answered your question. Thank you so much. Great question. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Hey, Rebecca, just saying hi, big hugs to you. Eva says, I always been anti-authority and a libertarian, but men I meet are usually very conformist, probably why I can't get along with them. By the way, I vote libertarian just because I can't stand the other two parties. Oh my God, I said something political, I'm gonna get canceled. Just kidding. All right, bum, bum, bum. I saw another question here. Let's keep swinging. Here's something. Many men still mention Trump on their dating profiles. The man is a president anymore. You know, it's so funny. I did a video last year called why you should talk about Trump on a first date. And why I'm bringing this up right now because you just brought up the question is politics does give you an idea into someone's values. And I truly believe if someone would die on the sword for Donald Trump, they're gonna have a really hard time getting along with a Bernie Sanders AOC disciple. If someone will die on the sword of Bernie Sanders and AOC they're not gonna get along with Trump type people, okay? This is no judgment, they're either one because just remember what I said I can't stand every politician. So my ideology is we should hang them all but that's just my personal opinion. Oh, that was mean to say, I'm gonna retract hang. I think we should just abolish government and let me in charge of the whole world. Is that the Leo in me talking? Just kidding. All right, so talking about politics you've been told never to talk about politics on a date or religion. I'm the opposite. You should absolutely talk about politics and religion because guess what? And this happened to me several times. I went out with a woman. I'm not gonna say where her political affiliation lied but she was so extreme on one side. I won't say right or left. That I wouldn't wanna be with this person. If someone's ideology is extreme in my opinion then they need to find someone whose ideology is also at their level. Because I'm gonna tell you something. It's exhausting being with a human being whose ideology is rigid, whether it's right or left. And for example, if someone goes to church five times a week and carries their Bible with them it's probably not gonna get along with an atheist or a spiritual but not religious person. So yes, we should talk about this even before you go on the first date so you can eliminate people who not aligned to who you are and what you want. That's my invitation for you anyway. Great question, thank you so much. Oh, we just got a super sticker for $20 so let's get to that. Where did it go? Oh, here we go. Lead empathy says thank you Jonathan for all your wisdom. I truly believe in shifting the narrative. I would love to hear from your perspective what are the key benefits in dating today? Rarely do we see videos on the pros of dating. Oh, the pros of dating, okay. So the reality is is if you want a life mate you're gonna have to date. I mean, that's the reality of it. Now, as I said before, dating is a clusterfuck out there so we could have a lot of reasons why we don't wanna date, why we're tired of dating, why we're fed up with dating. I mean, I say it to myself on a regular, not regular, occasional basis. By the way, for every negative thought you should have you should try to fill your cup with five positive thoughts to counterbalance the negative thoughts, okay. So the real pros and cons of dating, the cons of dating are long. The pro is simply one and that's what I'm gonna share with you today. Great question. So I went through, okay, I was in a significant relationship for six years with someone. Well, on and off for six years, our first breakup I thought my world was going to end. I thought the sky was falling. I thought I would never love again. I mean, because I gave my power to this person and I was a train wreck. So I went to a mutual friend of ours to get some advice and we were talking and he's trying to console me and calm me down. I'm like, I'm giving up on love. I don't wanna date again. I'm like, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. And he said, Jonathan, love is a risk. Love is a risk. And it's the best game in town. Folks, you have to want to go, you know what? Dating is the pro, it's like when Edison was making the light bulb. He had 2,000 attempts to make the light bulb. And when asked, how did it feel to fail 2,000 times? He said, I didn't fail 2,000 times. I learned 2,000 ways not to make a light bulb. And so I'm here to say is, ultimately, if you can just approach the process from a place of beginner's mind, if you can possibly come from a place of beginner's mind, in other words, whatever happened the day before is gone. The past is for a lot. We have an opportunity to go, you know what? Maybe that next person could be the one. However, if you're taking negativity, and by the way, I see this with women a lot. So many of you have become bitter and jaded to men, the dating process, online dating, you know, all the frustrations. And then there's a lot of labels and stuff that have been attached to men through all these experiences. If the wolf you're feeding is a net, if you're feeding your wolf with nothing but garbage, then you're gonna experience more and more garbage. So the reason why I recommend books like The Untethered Soul, the reason why I recommend my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, the reason why I recommend the Hoffman process so we can shift the narrative from the negativity and start leaning into the possibility. And so I'm gonna finish on this one note. I want you to imagine you're standing in front of a building and you've got a step ladder and you wanna change the light bulb. You're standing on the ground and the ground represents, I don't believe it can happen. I don't believe it can happen. I don't believe it can happen. I don't believe it can happen. But then you step on the first rung and the first rung is hope. I hope I can change this light bulb. I hope I can change this light bulb. I hope I can change this light bulb. And you go to the next rung. I believe I can change this light bulb. I can believe I can change this light bulb. I believe I can change this light bulb. And then you get to the top rung. It's a three rung ladder, three step ladder. And at the top, I know I can change this light bulb. I know I can change this light bulb. I know I can change this light bulb. Folks, when you actually come from a place of knowing, the dating process is like, is just the, you know, it's like going through the maze. You're gonna get the cheese when you get through the end of the maze. So you focus on the reward and you just go, I have to go through the process. And that's my invitation because when you come from a place of knowing it's gonna happen, listen, here's my glasses. I just let go of them. I knew it was gonna drop. I didn't think it was gonna levitate to the air. I knew it. And when you can go get to such a place of knowing that it's going to happen, like in my particular case, folks, and by the way, I wanna thank so many of you for the love and kindness you share on a regular basis, telling me how much you're rooting for me to find the love of my life. I so appreciate that. I want you to know, I know it's gonna happen. It's because I'm finally loving on myself. I'm part of the self-love club. And that's really the invitation of this conversation today because ultimately you have a choice. You can get busy living or you can get busy dying. The best way to live is when you're loving on yourself. And so the tools I recommend, the books I recommend are all part of a repertoire to get you to a place of inner peace. And that's my invitation for you and you and you and you. All right, we're gonna take one more question before we wrap up. You can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat as well. Sherry says, oh, politics, I'm staying clear of that topic. I disagree, but that's everybody to each your own. I think it's great to eliminate the wrong people. Again, if ideologies are extreme, you may not wanna be with that person. That's just my invitation for you. All right, oh, I just saw another Super Sticker. Here we go from, I love my fro. You do have a nice fro. Jonathan, you have been a godsend for the first time in my life, a guy that I like pulled away from me and I couldn't understand why until I watched your videos. My God, may God bless you. Oh, thank you so much for the Super Sticker of $10. I really appreciate that. That is so kind and I appreciate the kind words. I really appreciate that. Okay, Mary Nugent's question, where is that? We see, oh, I see this question from Vivian. Would you be, John, question, would you be open to turn on a next step of grouping your followers for dating experience? Turn on a next step for grouping your followers. I don't understand the question. I'm sorry. I don't understand what you mean by grouping, but thank you. Okay, Mary Nugent's question. What does a high value woman act like in relationship or what does a high value mean? Okay, great, great, great question, high value. To me, high value represents a couple of things. Means you got your shit together. I mean, you can pay your bills and your life isn't in chaos, okay? Number one, you can pay your bills and your life is in chaos. Number two, you take really good care of your health, your well-being, your physical health and your well-being. And it's not about manicures. I'm talking about physical exercise and what food you put in your body. And lastly, and the most important piece is emotional maturity. Emotional maturity means your actions match your words. You have victor consciousness and not victim consciousness. And sadly, the big, big percentage of the population here in the United States are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness. Number three, you know how to fight fair, meaning you understand healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. Number four, you have empathy. And empathy means not only I can feel your feelings, empathy means I care about your feelings. And most importantly, empathy means I care about my own feelings. And number five, transparency. If it's material to the relationship, you speak up. And as I said before, women do a terrible job at speaking up to the material things in relationship, which is why I recommend my book. That's my perception of high value. Also, a high value person has good friends in their lives. They have good relationships with people in their lives. That demonstrates high value. I don't know if I like the term high value. I mean, you know, we're using it in the context of this. Let's not put the label. Just how about a really great, empowered human, emotionally mature, empowered human being? That's what I prefer. So great question, Mary. Thank you so much. All right, let's see what else we have today. Charlene says, it's my first time live. Congratulations. Alexandra says, question, in what order should I read the Hoffman process? What that could self love anyway in the untethered soul? Okay, first my book, why not? By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my book, selflovethebook.com. Number two is the untethered soul. And number three, the Hoffman process. This is going to take 50 hours. So get through the other two books before you get to the Hoffman process. Great question. Thank you so much. Vivian says, question, I believe you should do great as an instrument to match people together since your followers must have similar values. If I had great question, if I personally knew 150 million people and men and 150 million women, I'd be happily to do that. Sadly, I do not personally know 150 million of those people, nor do I think my audience is mostly women. However, to the men that are here, a lot of you guys that are on here, Glenn, Todd and a few others, I think Todd's in a relationship and Kobe sounds like he's interested in one. I highly recommend use your Facebook page to start, as a matter of fact, come to my Facebook page to meet people or my Instagram page. But I don't have the bandwidth to do that, but thank you so much for the question. Oh, Leah says, question, how many times a week do you suggest seeing each other if trying to advance a relationship seriously? How many times do you think? First off, Leah, I'm great question. So if two people live within one hour of each other, I believe that most weekends should be reserved for your boyfriend or girlfriend, most weekends, unless you're raising children, and that you should spend one or two nights a week together during the week. So for me, it's gonna be three or four nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends. And I believe that should happen once you've decided you want to explore a relationship and you actually want to explore partnership with someone. That's my standard. Everybody has their own standard. For some people, it's every other week. For some people, it's once a month. For some people, it's every day. Everybody has their own. I'm just expressing mine, and that's what I hope works for me. So, great question. All right. Bum, bum, bum. Espy writes, question, I met one of his friends on our second date. Is that a good sign? Yeah, that's a great sign when you meet friends. Great, great sign. All right. Bum, bum, bum. Let's go swimming. We'll probably only take one or two more questions before we wrap up today. Bum, bum, bum. Sunshine Free says, question, how can I work on improving my mindset from victimhood to taking responsibility for what I feel and the actions I take? Which book do you recommend? Okay, this is gonna, again, I recommend doing this with a study group, but if you really wanna change that mindset, you've gotta learn how the ego works and the course and miracles. This is gonna be, it took me years, and I'm just scratching the surface. I'm just scratching the surface for understanding how my unhealthy ego does the talking for me. It's gonna take years of work to really shift your mindset. It's gonna take awareness. It's going to take an understanding. Start with my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? Go to the Untethered Soul, go to the Hoffman Process, and then the Course of Miracles. I'm telling you, I'm giving you two to three years worth of work, but the reward is priceless. The reward is priceless. All right, this is gonna be our last question for the day from Lindsay. How does someone with bipolar disorder date successfully? You know what, a friend of mine just wrote a book called The Emotional Entrepreneur. The Emotional Entrepreneur. It just got launched today. It's called The Emotional Entrepreneur. This is my podcast booking agent who has BPD. And she talks about how to successfully navigate her business life, and I think that can apply to dating as well. So Emotional Entrepreneur, highly recommend getting that book. All right, Michael says, this will be the last one. Oh, the second last one. Dating site, uh, most people are not serious there. That's a joke. False magazine. Totally disagree with Michael because over 50% of all new relationships today are happening through an online connection. So I don't agree with that. Yes, it's a major cluster fucking of pain in the ass, but guess what? This is where people are meeting because most people don't meet people, especially those in midlife. They're not meeting organically anymore. Rarely do we meet organically. So that's my recommendation. Michael, I disagree with you, but you know what? It's okay to, I understand why you say that and I accept you for saying that's true for you. I'm just have a different perception and it's true for me. And this will be the last comment for the day. A course in miracles, how the ego works. What is self love anyway? Yes, yes, yes. Totally appreciate that Liz. Folks, I think this will be a great place to wrap up today. I wanna thank you all for allowing me into your lives. Just as a reminder, stop trying to show your value, which is typically you're doing it by giving your power away. And I recommend doing all this work. It's a lot of work. And the reward is going to be a happier you. And if you join the self love club, by the way, you can get this on Amazon. I don't make this, you can buy it on Amazon if you wanna get a self love club shirt. And if you purchase one and take a picture, send it to me to my website and I'll post it on the channel. Folks, thank you so much for allowing me into your life today. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic shot than bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet teddy bear pillow and give inner them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch, bye bye now, bye bye. Bye Michael, bye Liz, bye sunshine feet, bye Kelly, bye Sherry, bye Yvonne. Thank you all so much, bye now.