 So guys, it's me. It's Jacob McDonald welcome back to my YouTube channel and welcome to my vlog that I'm gonna shoot today in a one a One video format. I'm not gonna edit it. I'm not gonna do shit. I Just want to tell you exactly what it's been like and It's been up and down That's all I'm gonna say some of you who've been following along at home will know that I've Attempted to quit Substance that I've been it completely and utterly Not not so much physically, but definitely psychologically addicted to for the last 14 years and that's marijuana The last smoke I had was Thursday night two and a half weeks ago today's Monday In fact, it's the first of our first of March. So for anyone else out there in different situations Good or bad just know that We all go through shit and we all have our own individual ways of getting through those things of Putting a smile on your face even when you don't feel like it and Unfortunately, that has been what I've had to do Over the last few days It's not easy. This is not easy. I Was pretty damn positive in the last video that I had on this channel talking about Rockhampton I made a video in the pool. I think At my Airbnb After being here for a week Talking about all the things that I wanted to do talking about The boxing gym talking about the the regular gym talking about the Rockhampton Wolverines football team Talking about skateboarding talking about my kids talking about How good everything was going Everything's still the same But my mindset isn't I'm struggling. I am struggling This is the bedroom that four of us sleep in This is Miffy my ex-partner's Nanna's house. I am so thankful to be living here rent free right now. I Live I moved out of my Airbnb There are hardly any places here in Rockhampton available if I want to stay anywhere It's almost, you know 80 to 90 to $100 a night minimum That means that I'd be spending anywhere upwards of 500 600 700 bucks a week to stay somewhere I Decided on Friday last week to to leave the Airbnb It came to an end after being here for two weeks, and I moved in here To the place that the girls live now I came in here with the best of intentions I came in here in the best of moods But it's not been easy It has not been easy now. I Don't mind sleeping on a single bed. I do not mind We've got three spaces the girls and Miffy sleep there. I Sleep there Life is okay life is good. I'm surrounded by people who are positive. I'm surrounded by people who? Smile genuinely, but unfortunately, I'm not one of those people Or at least not at the moment. So okay, we had four modes of Exercise that I was focusing on in the last video skateboarding gym training boxing gym And football training. I am happy to say That I've done. I'm gonna call it one and a half of those four. I Went to the gym. I joined up. I haven't been yet. I Have not gone to the Rockhampton Wolverines football training yet. I Have taken my skateboard down to the skate park once but I haven't gone to the boxing gym and You know, I'm here to Just just be completely and utterly honest. I'm here to give you guys an update because you have supported me As my YouTube audience my YouTube subscribers throughout the years Over and over and over again, especially when I've needed it the most So I'm here to update you on what's been happening, whether it be good or bad. Okay? I'm struggling. I'm not coping Very well. I'm realizing the situation. I'm in and I'm feeling pretty desperate. I should be living in my own place but due to You know financial Constraints, I'm not able to I Went for a job interview. I thought right I'm gonna give I'm gonna I'm gonna give it my absolute best shot to live here be happy get settled be a dad I mean, I can't even get back into New Zealand at the moment if I wanted to So I went to my first job interview. It was an ideal job. Absolutely ideal a mixture of admin plus a bit of driving and I Walked in there with the best of intentions. In fact, I walked out with with with the best of intentions I basically secured the job I mean on the spot or you got to do guys and that that's what I'll say is that Anyone else out there that that's looking for a job feels feels Like their resumes aren't getting noticed You know they're just being put on the pile top of a massive pile of resumes get go in there You know at least ring the place Introduce yourself go in Ask for the manager shake their hand look them in the eye And you've got a far better chance than a whole lot of other people and that's exactly what I did So I put myself in the best position to get a great job here in Rockampton but I walked out of there and a massive dose of depression hit me Depression and anxiety About being in this this place about possibly taking this job and thinking and looking six months down the track and and and Not being any further Forward mentally Then then I am now Now I'm gonna say that I I say and I tend to live a life with no regrets. I Could start that job. I could work five days a week. I could do 40 45 hours a week But I was completely and utterly underwhelmed I'm in a mindset right now that is not the most positive I'm in a mindset right now that needs Needs a little help. I need to I need to talk to someone that understand I feel like I Feel like nobody nobody around me right now Family friends Anybody understands me. In fact, I felt that way back in Christchurch Nobody understands me but then again Do I even understand me Do I Who am I? What does make me happy? I've spent the last two years of my life through this YouTube channel Spending a lot of money going all different places trying all different things looking for that Happiness that we all want that we all crave And I'm not sure that I found it I Thought being around my kids would be my magic ticket I thought As soon as I saw those smiles on their faces that unconditional love that I've received Holy shit, it's been amazing that has been I'm glad I'm here for that reason But I don't know that I'm gonna be able to live here Full-time. I don't know that I'm gonna be able to stay here and what I'm gonna do right now Let's sit on this swing with these this incredible hill behind us actually Grassy Hill It's it's pretty awesome. If I was a kid back in the day, I'd want to roll Tumble all the way down there. In fact, I don't know why I haven't brought my kids here. In fact, I Don't know why I haven't done a lot of things yet. I'm in a bit of a rut I've been here for Just over two weeks. I've spent nearly every single day with my kids. I'm living with my kids right now But I'm in some some some rut guys some fucking rut and it's gonna take It's gonna take every single ounce of of mental strength I have to get myself out of that because some of you Will know that I've quit weed But none of you will know that I've replaced that habit with something even worse, which is drinking Now I'm not getting drunk every night. I'm not blacking out, but but I am having a few drinks and and The thing that I struggled with with with the weed is not how it made me feel it's not how You know it portrayed me as a person it's it's it's Internal it's it's the fact that I wanted to be in complete control of my mood and my life without having to rely on a substance So I'd hammered it into my brain that I needed to get off of the substance now. I have Realized guys that I am an addict full-on bro. I'm a fucking addict and I've been one since 16 I'm trying to be the best person I can I'm trying to Leave a mark on the world a positive mark through my YouTube channel, but me personally internally I'm an addict I'm not happy with life without a substance and that's something I'm coming to terms with so The place is decent But if you're not all all good up there Then nothing is gonna matter and I went back to New Zealand a year ago to work on myself Did I work on myself efficiently enough to be? To be in a good enough at mindset to come over here and and Live a good life and Be sober no no I didn't clearly But I'm not making it that easy on myself to be living with my ex and there is so much shit That's been said back and forth so much so many insults so So much abuse verbally and yes, I do blame some things on her at times, but at the end of the day I'm the one to blame I can't handle life very easily on my own And I'm finding it especially hard being here in Rockhampton with no family no friends Thinking yeah, of course I can I can come here. I can join a sports team meet mates there I can join a gym and meet mates there, but at the end of the day I Don't even want to right now. I don't even want to I don't want to go down to the Rockham Wolverines football training. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't I'm not motivated. I am feeling completely and utterly flat Just flat. I need to sort that shit out. So I'm not sure what the best Way forward is but what I do think is that I I'm gonna do something that I've never ever done before and that is talk to someone I Need to talk to someone and anyone else out there struggling in life if you know, especially as a man as a male Just talk to someone. I can't talk to anybody around me right now. I'm feeling completely and utterly Alone even though I'm not and that's a that's a desperate feeling and and I've even thought Guys some pretty stupid thoughts recently and that's all I'm gonna say on that subject. So what I realized now More so than ever is that I do need to talk to someone. I need to talk to someone that's heard this all before You know what I mean? You've heard it all before give me some good advice I'm not gonna ask you guys to give me advice. I'm just trying to be completely open and honest In an un you know uncut unedited clip, which is what this is. We're 15 minutes in You know what? There's one thing and One thing only that I've wanted to do Ever since coming here Ever since rolling into this road for the very first time and going down there to the house that I'm living in Right now and seeing my kids and and that is To train with some hill sprints Now literally Two minutes round the road. We've got the most incredible place For me to do hill sprints. This has to be the steepest hill in all of Rockhampton and it's right round the road for me so I'm not gonna commit to going to football trainings anymore I'm not gonna commit to going to boxing trainings anymore. I'm not even gonna commit to going to the gym But there is one thing that I am gonna commit to and that is to come out here Look, I want to say every single day, but I'm you know what? I'm not gonna say anything All I need to do is come out here one morning. I mean the weather doesn't make it that easy. It's fucking humid, but Let me just show you guys this road Let me just show you guys This hill because it is quite the hill And if I can get efficient and good at running up a hill like that I Can do anything Physically now it's not gonna look like much, but that is so fucking steep It's unbelievable. So if anything guys, just know I'm not gonna make any crazy claims anymore. I just want to Do life as best I can in the best mood I can and what I know is gonna improve my mood and gonna allow me to do that is to do some exercise and You know going into a new environment a new team environment like a football team is something I know I'd enjoy but I just can't I can't bring myself to do it right now. I Hope you guys understand that I Hope you do I'm trying to understand it myself. I will get there. Maybe I will maybe I won't look I tell myself I want to play football. Do I don't I I don't know but what I do want to do is get fit Put my body with the respect it deserves and start running up that fucking hill. So that's what's gonna happen I've said it here. I've said it now The only thing I'm gonna commit to physically is getting back into a bit of running and and and the running I'm gonna do is up that hill now once I start doing that I might actually feel like going to the gym. I have a membership now of I've joined up to will Jim here in Rockhampton It's a pretty sick gym I've got some wheels. I've got a scooter, you know, I've got access to Miffy's car if I need it I do have everything I need in life here, and I'm not even paying any rent right now. So You know, it's videos like this that that do help the most it's videos like this that helped me Talk it out for a start like I've mentioned in the past Then go and edit the video a second time so I can I can listen through what I've what I've said You know work through things again and and then I go and publish the video and watch it possibly for a third time And that's that's almost like my own, you know therapy. It's my own way of talking through things but It's not sufficient anymore and and I do need to talk to someone. I do need to talk to someone About life about Yeah, about what this is and this is life for me right now member Rockhampton I dropped my kids off to To uh, you know a bit of positivity guys. I did drop my my two kids off to daycare this morning and They cry their eyes out every single time you leave and You know that that desperate that lit that that look of absolute, you know horror and desperation of of Tate and Tristan as you leave and God it just pulls at your heartstrings, you know, and it's at those times that you realize I am alive and life life is real, you know what I mean This is life. This is me ruin Rockhampton. I've been here for two weeks. This is my update And I hope you enjoyed It's up and down at the moment But it's it's it's funny, you know By the time that I finish each and every one of these videos talking things out I feel a lot more positive and I do feel positive. So what I'm gonna say guys is I Want you guys to stay positive whatever situation you're in at the moment I feel like we have a lot of freedom here in in Australia and also in New Zealand. I Was you know, I put up a video not too long ago talking about how lucky I felt Getting into this country quarantine free and I tell you what mate. I'm even more lucky now far more lucky Auckland following that video has gone into Another three-day lockdown and now I've gone into another seven-day lockdown not only that but Brisbane Queensland the state that I'm in right now has a 14-day quarantine period mandatory right now. So You know on both sides It's all fucked up again And I was one of the lucky ones that got through quarantine free. All I had to do was wear a mask and Looking back now, you know, I wasn't the happiest about wearing a mask But holy shit if that's all you have to do to get into a country quarantine free. I'll do it And I know you guys would too so What the future holds at the moment is me trying to Put a smile on my face Because my kids deserve that. I'm trying. I'm trying my best, but sometimes It's just hard So for anyone who is still here For anyone who has listened to all of this and for anyone that is possibly in their own situations that You know, they're working through pretty on that does support me in my situation. I want to say thank you so much and It's time I go This is Monday the 1st of March 20 21 and I wish you all a Fantastic day. Thank you for listening And peace out