 Nicoletta, we've all been there. We can relate to what it's like to have this baby project this thing You care so much about and you think everybody's gonna think your baby is beautiful But the reality is they don't care about your baby at all Hello and welcome to the show Brian. How's your morning going? Hey guys, man, it's it's awesome. Thanks so much for having me I'm really really excited to be here. Yeah, we really enjoyed the book We actually found your Ted talk so we'll dig into that a little bit And then of course it is our Q&A episode this month So we're gonna be digging into our listeners questions around networking a topic that is very near and dear to your heart as well So tell our audience a little bit about yourself, Brian, you know, I always want to be an entrepreneur and I The way that I did that was through music And so really just to some of your story probably Johnny some of your story is you know writing songs playing on the weekend you know started in in early high school and I and Did that all the way through college and my freshman year of college. I was in a life-changing car accident I went to this little college in Canada I see roads couldn't stop, you know got T boned and three doctors told me I shouldn't have left and I'll never walk again and It was in it was in that that period that transitional period of like How do you deal with that kind of diagnosis five days in the hospital and just really having that time as an 18 year old Which most people don't take that time to really think about who am I and why am I here and Realizing that even if I don't ever walk again I still have a voice and I can still make a difference And so that led me to not only learning to walk again But but now I've done five marathons but also looking at like what's my purpose and realizing like my purpose is people and I became a teacher became a school teacher So I kept doing the the the music stuff But I realized in in the guitar lessons that I would offer to kids and even Sunday school class and like summer Can't like where I felt like the most alive but also my highest contribution Was in giving back to students and so for for almost 15 years I was a classroom teacher and then I had the opportunity to start a charter school Which which was like like a startup, you know so for those of you listening right now that are entrepreneurs or Entrepreneurs, you know thinking about your business You know, there's a it's it's pretty awesome to do it within something that you really love Within an industry that you really love and so I got to do that and that led to more speaking writing consulting So that's what I do now full-time as I encourage people to find their voice figure out their audience and figure out their message You know, it's it's certainly and to have a life altering Event it's such an early age Certainly straightens you out to look for to get the most out of the rest of the life knowing that you you escaped so narrowly and it's It's tough to watch young kids now where You you want them to see those opportunities now without having to have that that event which is utterly terrifying It's a rule of the dice and you know, I and watching your Ted talk and doing some research for this Knowing that you found this impossible mission as an opportunity to grow some confidence. Could you share some about that? Yeah, absolutely, you know, the confidence part is funny. I I work with clients every day I do I do coaching I got clarity coaching and and often They lack confidence and the reason they lack confidence because they're not clear they're not clear on their audience their message or their products and so they're Their second guessing themselves it happens it happens every day You know, I'll get a message from a coaching client or one of our members of our writing community who's who's scared And they don't have that confidence and I really believe your purpose is people by by living out By living out your purpose by serving people I you know in the book I call it start with your people by starting with people like looking at the people in your life Right now just asking, you know, what can I do to make your day or my favorite question is? What are you working through? What are you working through right now? I had a few people reach out to me on Instagram over the weekend And so my message back to them the cook that odd little audio button and I just say hey like thanks so much for your message I really appreciate it. What are you working through right now and the messages? I get back from strangers like people that that I don't know and they don't know me But realizing that when they say, what are you working through? I'm like, I can I can help you with that and so that's where I think the confidence comes from is realizing that I can make a difference and it might not be this monumental, you know, New York Times best-selling Featured cover of whatever difference, but it's a difference for the people that are already in my life And what happens is when I show up for people in my life I get to meet new people and that's where the networking all starts Yeah, and of course we're gonna delve a little bit more into finding a mentor in the right mindset but one of the ideas you write about in the book is creating your own personal mission statement and Yes, I know even for myself. It sounds a little bit daunting to put together a personal mission statement and For our audience who's maybe just getting started in their career as well Doesn't have a lot of life experience doesn't really know what they want to do with their career That can also sound pretty daunting. So how does one go about creating a personal mission statement? Yeah, it's a great question. Thanks so much for asking it You know imagine if you were to have clarity that each and every morning as you're starting your day You know, you could look in the mirror and know exactly what your purpose is for the day So I call that the mirror manifesto and actually have a little index card So literally print it out that I look at in the mirror each day many of my coaching clients have it in their car and The first is three lines and the first line is you know how and then this person Struggles with this problem. So as an example, let's say for example that you you know You help you help bands get booked just as an example, okay? You know how bands struggle to get gigs to grow their audience So that's how your that's how your personal mission statement starts for me because I help authors and speakers minus You know how authors and speakers struggle to clarify their audience their message and their products And just by asking that question it just guys it just it sort of like sets my course for the day It's like a rudder of the day I read that one little question and I'm like I know exactly what I need to do today. What do you think of that? Yeah, it's incredibly powerful And I think when you orient each and every day in that manner It allows you to stay focused on the right things and actually see some forward momentum and movement Which is so impactful when we're trying to build our careers. We're trying to build our network We're trying to grow as an individual. Yeah, so much. It's There's so many distractions today and it's so easy to get distracted by the news feed So I would a hundred percent. I'm sure you guys talk about this on other shows But instead of starting your day with your news feed, right? Really go deep start with your own priorities your own goals and I I don't know about you but that's when I check my news feed for the first time is when I'm starting to get ready because I'm looking for a Podcast to listen to or or I open up my phone to look at some music to listen to some music And I'm just so tempted to go check that Instagram feed or that Facebook feed or you know Whatever tool you happen to use and so just seeing that purpose statement in the mirror is enough of a reset to remember What am I supposed to do today? I really like that and I certainly know that I have lost out on productivity and and days because I had woken up Open up Facebook only to get angry within the first five minutes and then stew on something for the rest of the day Because of that and I also know what my days are like when I'm highly inspired first thing in the morning And and and it's you're setting it up And I I really like that and one of the things that I really enjoyed Listening to we are a TED talk was we do we all get with so much technology at our disposal and We have a hard time using it for the tools that it that it is To for positivity in the bring things in our life and it ends up Being a tool that distracts us Upsets us and as you were talking about opening up and flipping to Instagram. It's it's an endless feed It's just going to continue on and on and on and on until you either get pissed off and shut it off Or realize oh, I am late for work. It's time to get moving and what did you grab from it? Probably not much unless you've curated your feed to such a point where it's Just pulsing out Positivity and hopefully you could get inspired by by something. However, at least for me I know that I need to be engaged Emotionally in the end of the in the content in order to pull something inspiring from it And an endless feed of inspirational quotes certainly just doesn't do it for me. Yeah, it's it's so true So what the solution I because I feel like I've finally figured out the solution because I should really struggle with that news is You know you you have to decide like this is how I'm going to use the news feed This is how I'm going to use the tool You know you want to use the tool you don't want the tool to use you and and you know the algorithms set up to distract us So as as a quick example when it comes to music I actually have a plan and that might sound like super nerdy But like I have a plan for what kind of music I'm going to listen to and so what one of the things I like to do like I love to go into shows I love going to live concerts and And so I'll look up the set list because there's this amazing website Which is like a set list wiki where people are posting set list of a band And so we saw a show a couple weeks ago And I searched for the set list and I'm like okay Those are the songs that this person is touring with so I created a playlist in in my my Apple music But whatever you happen to use and that's all I listen to for like the couple weeks going into the show And I gotta tell you guys I probably had more fun than anybody You know because I knew exactly what song he would play and exactly what time I knew almost every word I mean I didn't I didn't memorize every song But I but I knew it and I felt it and it hit me in the moment there What if we could do that with the rest of our life? What if we could do that with our fitness instead of listening to all of these competing voices if we just had a Plan to follow what if we could do that for our relationships instead of getting so distracted We just had a curated feed of these are the people I'm meant to encourage so I'm just gonna focus on them I really like that and certainly derive a lot of the value from the shows. I'm as we were talking I love music. I go to shows all the time. I play in bands here in Hollywood And I'm in inundated with new great music on a daily to weekly basis And I have to write down bands that I like because I'm gonna get flooded with a bunch more And though I'm gonna start looking at it the next week the next day and Sometimes I don't even have an opportunity to really sink in and listen to the whole album and I get distracted So I really enjoy that and it gives I'm gonna try that I Think the important part here is creating some me time Everything we're talking about here is creating space for other people's cries for attention what they're posting on social It's important to them and that's how we get distracted and lose sight of what's important to us so that mirror manifesto reminding yourself every morning of why am I doing what I'm doing and walling off that Instagram feed or even your inbox. I know a lot of people first thing they check their email And of course your email is gonna be full of people's requests for your time What they need from you and we don't spend enough time really thinking about well, what do I need? What is my self-care? What do I need to set the day up for success? And of course that's gonna follow with your network and with finding a mentor now before we get started If you want us to answer your question We'd love for you to do just that head on over to the art of charm comm slash questions leave us a message You can also email us questions at the art of charm comm or find us on social media at the art of charm to ask Us your questions that make it here in the show now the first question we got is for Muskin I can create a great network of friends when I go to events out of state But after the event ends I find it challenging to stay connected to these individuals and Maintain that same level of excitement and engagement with them months after now Ryan what are your thoughts on this? I know Conferencing and going to events is a big part of growing our network It gives you an opportunity to leave your hometown and meet some people in a fun environment But it can be definitely challenging following up with people That's such a good question because I love when you get to meet people in person like we build relationships through shared experiences Especially guys like guys tend to build relationships based on the shared experiences. So think about it What works in person? What works offline also works online? So what I challenge you guys to do is once you build that connection at a conference or out of town is What's the next shared experience that you're all going to have so as an example? You know, I had a milestone birthday about a year ago And I invited all these lifelong friends to come to Charleston, South Carolina We rented a beach house we went flyboarding like it was it's an incredible experience And most these guys had never met each other before and and I kept hearing them saying man We need to stay in touch we need to stay in touch and I was thinking there is no way these guys are gonna stay in touch Because that's what we all say at conferences And so here's what we did before we left before the first guy got in the Uber to get back on a plane to Leave we looked at conferences that were coming up that we're all excited about we picked one This was so October to February. So whatever however many months that is But something to look forward to and then the guys had the option to sign up or not And I think five guys of the 12 five guys signed up for that conference And what happened is they maintain their relationship through text messaging. My favorite app is called Voxer It's like a voice voice messaging app, right? It's awesome So they so we started a little Voxer group of guys that were going to this next conference So I think the answer is just like when you look at dating like you always want your date You're you know your girlfriend or whatever to have something to look forward to like hey, babe I just got tickets for this thing in three months from now. Guess what she stoked for three months She's so excited about what's coming up for three months and it works in dating I think it also works in networking relationships What's something you can look forward to three to four months from now and and then have that shared experience again It doesn't even have to be an event You can literally put something on the calendar when everyone has that momentum and they're excited and say hey Let's do a 90-day accountability check-in. It could be a Google hangout It could be a zoom and then once it's on people's calendar as it gets approaching They're gonna feel some pressure like oh, I don't want to back out on this because yeah I life is busy, but I promise these guys these gals that I was gonna attend this and we were gonna support each other That's one great way and I think the other one that's really key is if you had that great moment Share the moments that you remember it that it jumps to mind if you remember outside of the event There was this amazing homemade ice cream place you guys had some ice cream after the event You got a great conversation about something the next time you're eating ice cream be like oh I was just thinking about we were in San Diego and we had that great ice cream conversation When we share those memories with other people I mean there's an app called time hop people love this when they can think back to that moment They met you or they had some fun with you. That's how you stay in their life And of course taking what you said earlier being helpful being generous with your time being generous with information If you remember at that event that someone was struggling to start a podcast and you read a great article about The tools you need to start a podcast share it with them That's how you stay in their life And that's how they feel excited that you are in their life because you're supportive and you're helpful I think a lot of us are always looking for that moment of like Well, what can I do or what should I do a lot of this stuff is really simple. It's not hours and hours of your time It's not every single week checking in but being thoughtful and making sure that those shared experiences You had at the event those memories as they come to your mind you sharing with the group. I love it That's awesome when one other quick thing, you know one of my friends and mentors Dan Miller He has this he has this brand called 48 days the work you love and I love that idea Like there's this rhythm to to your life. And so as an example one thing I do is when I meet somebody really cool I will open up my phone. I'll press Siri and I'll just say hey Siri Remind me in 48 days to follow up with so-and-so and then I get this random reminder It feels really random and so pick a pick a time Maybe 17 days from now meet somebody at a conference and you say hey Siri in 17 days from now Remind me to reach out to and then say that person's name Just those little reminders coming in throughout the day is enough to keep that relationship going Yeah, I mean let's use the technology to help with connection Distracting us and it can when used properly and the last thing we talked about this earlier episode this month this idea of Planning other a little events group gatherings at the big event You know so like there's a marketing conference traffic and conversion summit thousands of marketers are there And of course you're gonna see familiar faces from the year before in the year before in the year before But we like to plan little tiny events like go out to dinner before the event starts go to an escape room Go to the baseball game Whatever the case may be to get that small group back together Outside of the conference where we know we're gonna be distracted We're gonna be all I got to go see this talk and all I gotta go run to this room or oh Maybe I'm speaking so it's the time before and after the event and everyone tends to arrive a little early or hang out a Little bit longer that you can create those shared moments and memories again if you know that you're gonna be at an event together I love it AJ you know the first time I ever hosted an event like that it was that it was at a marketing conference and I didn't know anybody I was just getting started in the online marketing space I think it was social media market world like five or six years ago And I and I realized that most people have their day planned But they don't necessarily have their breakfast planned because they're out of their morning routine So I called up a local a local breakfast restaurant there in San Diego is a broken egg cafe or something like broken Yolk in cafe and I said hey How much would it cost for me to like rent a room for breakfast? And they're like breakfast and I said yeah, like I'd like to rent a room and they said oh We don't even charge anything. You just have to pay for breakfast. So then I like looked at their online menu and I realized Most breakfast are only like six to eight dollars and if I have 30 people in the room like that's an amazing Investment in some of the you know the the premier people in my in my industry So I bought the domain name epic breakfast club I sent I sent a an invite to all these speakers that I'd never met before I had a couple people step up and say hey I'll come and I'll invite a couple people and so we had like 32 people that showed up for this breakfast It was a couple hundred bucks Which I know for many of you like that's a big investment in your business But I have to tell you the ROI on those Relationships and on that one breakfast has has paid dividends for years and years and most conferences Don't have any kind of plan for breakfast So having a 6 30 in the morning or 7 o'clock. We I think we did it at 7 30 in the morning I've now gone on to do it about a dozen times and every single time I make a new connection Build a new relationship and find another way to serve another person. Wow, I mean beautiful on the breakfast Yeah, that morning routine for some if they they fast go on a run go to yoga Just plan it's a little bit of planning and when you piggyback off of the event Remember the event spent tens of thousands of dollars on marketing to get ticketers to get attendees to get people On stage and of course they're bringing all these people together creating that little sub event That's easy That's low-lift for you because everyone's in San Diego everyone has a free morning Do a little bit of homework and sure enough you're gonna find and coming up here We got another question from a student that you can have an impact on big name Influencers in your industry simply by taking the time to gather people put a plan together help them Next question here is from Raul. He says he's a university student and I love networking But how do I reach out to the greatest biggest influencers in my industry given? I am a student and there isn't much I can offer them. I Feel like this is right in your real house This is something you covered in the book we get this question all the time. I'm excited to hear your answer I know Johnny and I have some points as well of it Yeah, you guys are the master so I'm sure you'll have a lot to say I wrote a whole chapter about this one specific issue. It's chapter 11 and it's show up and serve So Raul like first of all dude like you need to know you have a ton to offer and and the key is to fix What's broken to look look around and to see with that with that influencer that you want to serve that person You want to connect to just look around and realize that they have goals that they are trying to accomplish something And there's one gap that you will see because what's obvious to you is magic to other people So when you show up to their live event or when you show up to the networking thing like wherever you interact So but in person so let's say you you pay to go to this conference This is my story I pay to go to this conference there It was being led by this influential person and I'm like I would really really love to work with him What can I do? Well, I looked around and I realized that nobody's filming it. I was like how is nobody filming this conference? That's my obvious magic. I know that anytime you're you're talking anytime you're creating any kind of content You might as well film it you might never sell it, but at least you can capture what was said in the room Otherwise, it's gone forever. So at the end of the conference. I said hey, this was amazing I would love to come back would you consider allowing me to film it for free and just giving you the master files You can do whatever you want. I just want to serve you He's like are you kidding me? You'd let me do that or you would do that for me So I ended up staying at his house true story ended up staying at his house Filming the next conference and at the end of that second conference He asked me to give a little ten minute talk about some tips for filming and that led to me speaking at the conference three more Times so Raul will just show up see what's broken and offered to fix it. Yeah, I mean those gaps are So helpful and so many of these influencers people who are trying to grow their brand who are a few steps ahead of you They still have those gaps. They have a team of people. They're gonna be typos on the website There's going to be mistakes. They're going to be oh the show notes aren't as good I could do better show notes if you listen to the podcast you go to the website you go Hey, you know, I notice you don't have transcripts. I'll transcribe it for you These are all things that you don't need a high skill to do But they are gaps in other people's lives that you can fill and when you fill that gap Of course, they're gonna offer you the world They're gonna be so thankful and appreciative that someone found this and made it better because of course mistakes happen I mean we've sent emails with typos. We've made mistakes on our website buttons aren't working Those are invaluable if you can point them out in a helpful way and say hey Let me lend some support, you know, we've brought on illustrators to help us make memes of the show because they simply reached out We've had people reach out and who oh the intro to your YouTube videos. I love video I can help on that those little tiny pieces and you may think they're insignificant But they really do pay off in that influencers live And if you can be the one to offer that help you're gonna stand out from the crowd when everyone else is Asking for their time instead of adding to their life, you know we talk about this concept of adding value to people instead of Taking value and making requests of people demanding their time demanding their attention. That's taking away from them That's taking their valuable time. So instead you're like hey, how can I add to your time? Look, I made this easier for you I helped you out and remember back in in the day. We had that episode with Jay Shetty We had one of our fans at the show Literally try to get a meeting with Jay Shetty trying to set up some time to see him He's a busy guy and he's like well you take ubers between locations, right? Jay's like, yeah, of course He's like well, I'll share an uber with you Boom right who wouldn't want to share an uber and have a conversation while they're waiting in traffic so there are always these little moments where you can add value to someone who you think is two three four steps ahead of you and When they get that value from you They will be ready to serve you and to help you out whatever you need make that connection make that introduction And sometimes it even leads to a job The other thing there is it was certainly the first point that you're making as well show up a lot of times We've already put the hurdles in front of us and to talk to up this person I'm I chat with quite a few people through social media and have developed Relationships with them because they wrote and said they really enjoyed the show and they write me every week to let me know What how the show affected them and what points they got and and to cheer us on And I remember One of the people that I chat with they're like, I thank you so much for taking the time to always reply to my My my chats and I was like, you know, I think people think we're caught where we are so busy Actually, you know the amount it's not very much that I that people write me to ask questions and I think we put these hurdles up in front of us and so we don't have to put ourselves out there We do it all the time and for the people who I have developed these relationships with I do the same thing If I like your podcast and I listen to it, I find your info and I write you I want you to know if I if your band comes through my world and it hits I write you and and and I laugh about this Because I've written so many bands and obviously I don't get replies from everyone But the ones who do, you know, they now and this could be some Obscure band from some little village in the middle of Italy and now they have this this person from los angeles Who and who's written them who's like, hey anytime you're coming to America? Let me know. I love your band I'm I just bought a shirt like they're over the moon through that is the one thing that can also Put them in a position where they might have been thinking about Folding it up. Is anyone out there listening? Does anyone out there care? And I can tell you as an entrepreneur there are daves. There's days where aj and I Phil beat up from all the work that we're putting in and it's that one email that one message They're like, oh, yeah, that's that's why I'm working through and haven't had lunch and I'm bitchy today But it's because this for these results So good. I love that. Yeah, don't say no for other people Like don't assume the no assume assume the yes assume that they're going to be excited to hear from you because often they are And when you show up exactly that point and you do a great job on those show notes, you create an illustration There's other work that that they need support with and they're going to think of you first of like, hey Do you think you could just help me run my twitter? Hey, do you think you could uh create some more video content for us? Those doors open up by just taking a little bit of effort and energy to be generous and help that person That's a few rungs ahead of you and a lot of times getting that foot in the door Can mean getting access to their time in meaningful ways and all of a sudden they're going to show you the ropes And you're going to learn more and that it could become an internship and even a job Got a message here from someone who's struggling with the co-worker struggling with people in their lives We get this a lot. Hey, AJ and Johnny. I have a question that's not related to networking I hope that's okay and you can answer it anyways because this problem is having a big impact on my life I've started a new engineering job three months ago And it's a great job, but there's just one problem One of the senior engineers in my team is a real pain and extremely hard to work with For him, it's his way or he won't cooperate He seems to be very good at what he's doing and everyone is kissing up to him But the moment he leaves the room the gossip starts He's with the company for a long time and apparently very good at what he does So he has the upper hand in any argument. I don't feel comfortable with the gossip But I also don't feel good about him running the team as if he's the king of the world Any ideas on how I can address this situation? I've thought about talking to HR But since I'm new to the company, I don't want to rock the bloke. Plus, I think I wouldn't be the first one anyway Dealing with difficult people It's got to be a common theme for you as well I love it, you know, I've I've had difficult people in my life And I know probably all of you listening right now have like one person if you just think about like who is somebody in your life if you had Like a magic key that would like change them You know, like you could slip the switch from off to on like we can probably think of somebody right now in our life That's uh, I wish I could just run their life for a day and their whole life would be better Like I change their attitude or change their demeanor I change their facial expression or I would like eliminate this one word that they say all the time There's we're when we deal with people there's people that drive us crazy Um, I had somebody like that. I've had many people but in the book. I tell a story about this guy I call him melvin and the reality is we all have melvin's in life We all have these these people that just drive us absolutely crazy and really similar To the question he was He was at the next level in in the in the organization So I I wasn't reporting directly to him But he had more authority than I did and there was nothing that I could do to change him And and I didn't handle it. Well, I totally failed that relationship And I felt terrible because a few months after I I finally like moved on to another job He had a major heart attack and I just I looked back I tell the story in the book, but I I had this big blow up with him Where like I basically went around him to try to fix this problem that I thought that he was creating You know, that was my perspective and and he reamed me out and I reamed him right back I mean I yelled right back at him and what I realized in the moment is I sunk to his level And and looking back on that I just I never made that situation right and then he had a big heart attack And I regret is one of my biggest professional regrets is the way that I dealt with I call melvin the way that I dealt with melvin So I'd say my my advice is to look at that person And to realize that there is somebody in their life who actually thinks they're awesome There's somebody in their life. Maybe it's their spouse. Maybe it's their dog You know, maybe it's one of their kids But somebody sees that person you're dealing with in your life that difficult person Somebody sees that person as as like they're incredible And I'd say what can you do to discover what makes them incredible because if I was really honest with myself I would have realized wait a second melvin fought in a war Like he was a veteran, you know, he showed up for our country and he kept us safe Like how arrogant of me to deal with him the way I was And he also had some really big like family drama that I found out about later He was dealing with like this really rebellious teenage son who was getting into drugs and all this stuff Like think about what would it have actually been like to be melvin in that moment? And then there's this young teacher who's always on his case and is always asking for extra stuff And so just realizing like they have a perspective too And one of my favorite phrases is can we clear the air? So I'd say go don't go to hr go to the person and say hey, can we clear the air? Like I just feel like we got off the wrong foot Like maybe can I buy you lunch? Can I can I bring you some coffee? Like can we clear the air? And just doing that I have seen it just disarms people because they know the air is not clear either Right, they realize that there's something weird and sometimes people want to say they're sorry or they want to change But it takes one of us to decide to make that change and you can be that person Yeah 100% agree Empathy here is key a lot of times people who are being difficult at work Are bringing something else from their personal life with them to work that we typically are not even thinking about we just think Oh, this is them in their job, especially when you're starting a new job And he had the nail on the head and this question Do not engage in the gossip That does not serve you talking negatively behind someone's back engaging in in the conversations like that when they're out of the room Does not serve you Let's also unpack this a little bit. He's really good at his job Right, he doesn't have the soft skills, but he's really talented at his job So how could you serve him? What could you learn from him? Invite him to coffee and say, you know, you're at a place in your career that I hope to get to I'd love to be a better employee and I'd love to figure out how you were able to get to that level Let him share his story with you. I bet in this situation, especially in this company The way people are talking behind his back that he gets the cold shoulder from a lot of people They don't actually care about him personally. They don't actually want to take the time to listen You going and having a cup of coffee having lunch with him. He may share with you what's going on in his personal life difficulty with my kids I'm going through a nasty divorce. Oh, I'm foreclosing on my house And now all of a sudden you're going to have clarity of like, you know what? He's not being rude to me He's simply struggling to deal with this other thing in his life And now you don't have to personalize it, right? A lot of times when we feel like someone's being rude We think well, they're being rude to me And this is all about me and then we carry that with us A lot of times when people are being rude and difficult as a co-worker It's because something else in their life is nagging them. We don't have clarity on it and we're personalizing it And of course you may also having that cup of coffee realize Oh, there is a lot that I can learn. Oh, he did this and this is how he got promoted And this is exactly how he set himself apart and this is actually what his boss cares about Right because clearly if he's a top performer and he's sticking around in the job There's a lot to be learned from him instead of talking behind his back And certainly going to hr and saying negative things about his people skills is not going to set you up for success The other thing that you have to keep in mind as well is everyone's temperament is different And we like to think that everyone's like us because well, that's the only Way we have the view the world is through our senses. And so Where we can't understand why someone's acting in a certain manner because well, we wouldn't do that Well, yeah, but we're not that person and temperamentally They're just different and I have met a lot of first people Temperamentally who are just hard asses Just and they're very rigid and they're thinking and how they go about things and it comes off as as cold or Or very very stone walled Projections and the thing about it is they have their ways about going about things however, if you learn about them it opens up a lot of things and And you can only have empathy and compassion through understanding So you have to learn about the other person and one of the things I want to point out in this question is Where he says I thought about taking this talking to hr Please take the person out to the coffee or try to learn about them and try to have some empathy First because that's a whole another can of worms that puts both of you in trouble at work Yeah, and if it truly is a personal thing, can I clear the air? Allow the opportunity for that conversation to happen and and you apologize and take ownership of your actions instead of looking for that person Especially who's senior who has experience at the company when you're just starting out You can put yourself in a very difficult situation if you just go running to hr to complain Alex sent us this message from twitter. How do you network online? I'm living in a small city and it's just after college for me I have no funds to travel to events or conferences. Unfortunately. Yeah, we we've covered a couple ideas already You know, Alex one of the best things that you can do is is just show up on the radar of the people that you want to connect with And and for those of us that are creating content We check our comments, you know, we we check our we check our dms and instagram We check when people comment when we check when people leave a rating or review on a podcast And so that's just a great way is to lead with service to look at something that somebody's posted And you know, let's say they just post on instagram and first of all following them You're just following them alone It's like a lot of people when you get a follower, right? Especially if you're if you're big if your phone's not that big right now You're like, who's this new person and you're gonna go want to check them out And then to send a dm and just say like authentically, you know, hey, I love that last post It was great. This is how it's helped me. So that's number one is just to Comment number two is to be their best student to become a case study So if they have a course or if they've ever done a talk, you know, a lot of times it'll show up on youtube Maybe they spoke at a conference now you can go watch that talk on youtube or whatever Implement what they're talking about and then send them a message and say, hey I was at that keynote that you did at that conference last year Here are my notes from it and I want to let you know this is what I did and this is the result You know, I still do this in in in my worlds I'll leave uh testimonials for people. So this is maybe number three or at least part of number two Is to is to say, hey, I love this program shoot a little video or write up a little blurb and send it an email and say If this would help you I just want to say and then like leave that comment You know this program has really helped me. So those things alone You'll get on that person's radar for sure. Didn't we just talk about this before we started When people go out of their way to give you advice Please show them that you implemented it and how you did that it makes them feel So good that that you are the best pupil that you are listening that you're taking this seriously We had just gotten some great advice over the The last week and working with an executive coach and client of ours and focusing on his social life And he was getting a lot of benefit out of it. So he asked us exactly that what are you guys working through and we shared with them some of our marketing struggles and Now this is a guy who runs a multinational company and he sat there at dinner and for two hours He's spitballing with us our marketing now To get his time to spitball our marketing if we had sent him a cold email and said hey Can you go through our marketing funnel? He'd say absolutely not But we were of service to him. He got results from the coach and he's like, okay What can I do to help you out? And this is just such a classic example and then following through on that advice Whether it's grabbing a cup of coffee with your co-worker or it's going to lunch or it's asking the speaker after the talk for a few minutes Follow up with them and tell them exactly how you did What they were talking about on stage or what they were talking about at lunch and how it helped you Is how people become your mentor? They want to know that if they spend time with you, you are going to be their best student You are going to be invaluable to them. They don't want to waste their time and they Much like johnny and myself and i'm sure you you get asked so many questions and so many people wanting our time and they They have this unique situation. They're different from everyone else. They need us to write back a three page email And they don't realize that if you're inundated with those requests It's going to be very difficult for you to then say, oh, I want to mentor this person I want to take the time to mentor this person But if that person says to me first, you know, I was listening to podcast 696 I implemented this this is the result I got and now my next struggle is here I'm more likely to respond and answer and help that person than the one who's just like I need your help I didn't take any time. I didn't read any of your articles I didn't listen any of your podcasts. I didn't check out your youtube. I just need all of your attention for this one problem and you know, we we certainly do a lot of follow-up with our clients and It's it's so disheartening when the next time you chat with them and follow up and they're like, oh Well, actually I really didn't do any of it and i'm really depressed or i'm a i'm stuck here and i'm And i'm upset it's like well, how do you expect to get any forward motion if some progression if You're not willing to implement or make these changes And yeah, it's it's it's difficult and piggybacking off what you talked about earlier You know, if you could take a video cut it up make a highlight reel for them make a Shorter video they could post on their social media out of their longer talk They might say hey, you mind coming with me to this next conference. I need someone to shoot the video I need someone to make memes. I need someone to transcribe my talk All of a sudden you might get invited with your travel and ticket included because you were of service to someone else you looked up to So those are some great ways to network online. Of course cold linkedin cold facebook cold twitter and dm all work to a degree But to really stand out from those people is letting that person know how much they helped you and how their information paid off And one final small point to add to all that if you reached out to somebody they've given you some advice And let's just say and we everyone understands life happens happens everyone's busy Let's say that you had not had that opportunity to implement that and you were supposed to have a check-in Let them know. Hey, I gotten busy. I haven't had an opportunity to implement this Let's talk in another week. Don't waste somebody's time Of checking in when you know that your answer is going to be well, I haven't been able to get to it Julia has a follow-up question for the challenges that we gave last week. Hey, Jane Johnny Thank you for the networking challenges this month I've actually found a few people that I could bring into my network Four of them live in different cities and two of them are actually living in my city I want to use these connections to form a virtual mastermind group with them and I could use some input on that from you It's difficult for me to decide on how often we should meet and how long a meeting should run I think this could easily become too much But I also don't want to just meet once a month any suggestions again. Thank you so much It's just six people that I found but I can already feel how this is going to make a huge difference I love it. Yeah, I have a chapter on on your mastermind And so I've got a little step-by-step process of how to create it And I'd say one of the best things that you can do Julia Is to set the rules and then invite them to come play the game with you because you think about like if you ever host Like a um a game night with friends like they don't want to show up and then you say, okay, which game would you like to play? And then you have like 30 options Like say, hey, we're gonna have a game night and here's the game We're gonna play. Let me go over the rules with you people want clarity And so if you reach out to these people and say, hey, listen, this is how I started my mastermind Friday morning 6 a.m. We're meeting here. We're gonna meet for three months straight or whatever We're gonna meet we're gonna We're gonna take this 12 chapter book and we're gonna meet for 12 weeks in a row We're gonna do one chapter of the book and we're gonna talk about your questions and put some action steps in place I'd say it's it'll allow you to test out that relationship to kind of see if it's a good fit So you're not committing to years and years and years But maybe there's a little project that you guys can do together like we were talking about before People build relationships over shared experiences. So you set the table and then invite them to come eat I love that. I think again the more clarity you have the easier it is for people to say yes The other thing I would add to this since it's virtual and whatever platform you're using for the most part should allow you to record it So you can say I want to do this for 12 weeks We'll record the sessions. So I'll allow you to miss one or two But if you miss more than that, we're gonna find someone else who wants to participate in the mastermind group So that people sign up. They know, okay, it's a 12 week commitment. I'm gonna meet every Friday morning at for 12 weeks Oh, there's something come up. Okay. I know that Julia is recording this so I can catch that one session But I also know if I miss too many sessions that she's just gonna find someone else And then after that pilot you'll know. Well, you know other six people We only had three show up every week. So maybe every week is too much Maybe it should be every other week. And then you ask people Hey, why why were you unable to make it? And if they say, well, I just didn't have enough time to get to the stuff We set up. I didn't really feel like I was Making improvement. So I didn't want to waste anyone's time. Then, you know, you guessed wrong But as you said, it's better to have clarity upfront than to put a poll together and just kind of wing it and say, oh I don't know. Maybe we'll do every other week. What do you guys think? Because people don't Agree to those terms people just be like, you know what? I have other stuff going on. But when you're very clear There's a start and an end date. You know the time ahead of time It's very easy for people to commit to something like that. You know, it's interesting I know we've had this conversation where People ask for that time and I can only imagine so you got these people to agree that hey I'd be interested to join your mastermind group and then you start asking them all these questions Like, wow, I got to put this together for you too. You're the one that asked me To join and now you want would you want me to run it as well? So have all those things worked out. It's very important. Make it easy for everyone who said yes To just opt in and be a part of that and when you think about those six people Is there a common goal that you all have right? If that common goal is write our first ebook In in 12 weeks or launch our first course in 12 weeks or build our website in 12 weeks They're more likely to participate in a mastermind that has a clear goal In mind as well instead of just a general mastermind because for me with everything going on a general mastermind Where every week, I don't know what the questions are going to be about. I don't know what we're covering It'd be very difficult for me to commit to but if I knew that at the end of 12 weeks I'm going to have a digital course launched or we're going to double our podcast listenership or whatever that goal is Make it common amongst all the group members and you'll find they'll be more committed and they'll attend those meetings And don't be afraid to guess wrong. You know, it's your first mastermind You might find that hey weekly wasn't the right option, but try again Change it tweak it and improve it Here's a question we got at questions at the art of charm.com Hello, AJ and Johnny I have a long list of influencers that I would like to connect to but I don't know how to get their attention I'm just starting out with my own youtube channel and I have nothing that I could offer to them So I'm just one of the millions of fans that they have any suggestions on how I could stand out from the crowd Thanks, the lonely youtuber. I love it. The lonely youtuber Well, think about the skills that you have, you know a little exercise that I get my coaching clients to do Is to pick another person that's not in your industry. So my go-to example is my 93 year old grandmother And you take a piece of paper or a whiteboard and you write out a t-chart So she's in one column. I'm in the other and then you write out a list of everything You know how to do that your 93 year old grandmother does not know how to do because what you'll find is there's a really long list So when it comes to video editing social media posting on youtube all those sorts of things Once you create this list of all of these skills you have Then you look at that influencer list those people that you want to connect to And you think okay, I can't start with everybody. Let me start with one person So who on here would really benefit from one of the skills on this list? And let's just lean into what you want to do, which is youtubeing So let's look at somebody who has a youtube account, but could optimize a little better So maybe it's a thumbnail for their videos. That's a really easy way to start So take one of their most recent videos create a custom thumbnail Send them an email and say hey, I created a custom thumbnail for your last youtube video And just just test it out because not everybody will write you back Not everybody will will say thank you and then we'll change it But but you know maybe one out of 10 maybe maybe one out of 20 Is it worth it to spend that time creating those custom thumbnails to try to get that person's attention to serve them? Well, absolutely And what might actually happen, which we've kind of talked about already that one person when they say I love the thumbnail Um, can you log in and do it for me? Right. Can I hire you to do this on a regular basis? Like it just leads to more relationship Yeah, and as we talked about earlier creating some testimonials talking about how that influence or influenced you and how That youtuber impacted your life and and even making Highlight reels for that youtuber making shorter videos of their longer content consolidating things or telling them Hey, you know, I noticed you have a bunch of Videos around this topic. What if you put a playlist together and here's the way that I would organize the playlist You know all those little things That you think as a lonely youtuber That you can't possibly help that person you absolutely can They probably don't have a massive team dedicated to optimizing their youtube channel There are little wins that they're missing out on and sometimes it's creating a little bit of content of your own That references theirs and highlights them and celebrates them and then sharing it on social media and being like look I'm advocating for you. I'm out there sharing your video with people. That's going to get their attention That's going to make them think. Oh, this person would be very valuable to have in my life I mean, that's how you build a network you add value to other people's lives The problem that a lot of these questions are in line with are How can I take this person's time or how can I take this person's attention or how could I get this person to do something for me And we have to flip that the mindset has to be what can I give this person? That'll help them and that foot in the door creates all these opportunities that you For the most part probably haven't even realized we're there You know something else that we were chatting about this morning in our marketing meeting is That we had we have a facebook group of all of our clients and we had noticed that In the last few years there is a mass there had been a bit of an exodus and people are I'm sorry there has been an exit and And people are starting to see the cracks and some of the social media which means they're going to be moving to other platforms And there is plenty of alt tech going around that's all new And all of these influencers are going to be wanting to jump there But if you already know it very well, you have an opportunity then to control those Platforms for them or help them with them. Yeah, I mean you look at tiktok, right? It's like, hey, I storyboarded out some tiktok videos that you could use to promote your youtube video What do you think of these ideas right you pitch some ideas over These are all if you're creative and you have time which is a very valuable resource But you don't have a network which is the resource you're trying to get Then you're going to have to trade some of that time to grow the network And that's how it works and I could tell you right now We have a number of teammates. I'm looking at you cam who They demonstrated their value and then we said, hey, welcome aboard the team You know, we had a girl reach out to me and say, hey, I noticed you guys aren't really active on kora So what if I took your podcast that have all this great content and created some kora answers for you? Well, of course, I'm like, oh, that's a great thing. I never thought of that And what do you know now she's a part of the aoc team So these are all moments that are the side door Where no one is banging no one is coming around the side door asking for opportunities Everyone instead is just flooding them with I need this I need that can I get your time? I'm special. Here's how I'm different than everyone else. And unfortunately, that's how you get lost in the shuffle This one's from nicoletta. She has a question about pitching her project Hey, jane johnny I'm about to start an NGO that's about educating people on a sustainable lifestyle in my home country of italy This year I will travel to a few conferences to network. My main concern is having a great elevator pitch What are some ways for me to find out if my pitch is working? I have tested on my friends and family, of course They love it, but then maybe they're not the best test audience any idea on how I can perfect it before the first conference Thanks, nicoletta I have some ideas here. What do you think of brine? You got a big smile? I do because I just I I understand like nicoletta. We've all been there Like we can relate to what it's like to have this baby project this thing you care so much about And you think everybody's going to think your baby is beautiful But the reality is they don't care about your baby at all like they have no time at all for your baby And that is the hard reality But knowing that will give you some clarity So the question I'd ask to you nicoletta is who cares about that? So who cares about italians people in italy living a sustainable lifestyle? Who cares? It's probably italians who aren't living a sustainable lifestyle, but have a pain point So chase the pain right dig into the pain that that NGO is going to to solve who already is doing good work in that space that you can come alongside Serve them well right link arms with them help them get results And when you help people get results they inevitably say So what are you working on right now like sharing an uber with somebody or Showing up at a conference and and hang out with somebody eventually they'll they'll ask because they're curious What are you working on and that's the opportunity that you have to share It's not pitch but to share what you're working on and to position it a way that maybe they'll care about I 100% agree Understanding the pain is the most important thing Everyone likes to focus on the benefits and focus on all the different bells and whistles that make them unique and special But people are only motivated by solving problems and pain in their life And if you can't tap into that it's going to be a tough sell Now of course The internet is here with a variety of tools to very easily test your ideas You can create a facebook landing page and run facebook ads to these decision makers and see if they click them And if they click them, you know, hey, i'm on to something this language is working or if they don't click your Ad well, I got to change my pitch. I got to change the way i'm wording things I'm not hitting on the pain and these are simple tests you can spend 20 30 dollars on facebook clicks are not that expensive For you to get some real data Also, I would say go to some meet-up groups go to some other gatherings that are free You don't have to buy a ticket and start talking about your idea with people And noting when you're talking and sharing it with them. What are they expressing? What are they latching on to what are they asking follow-up questions about are they following it? Is it easy for them to understand or are they asking me a bunch of questions? Well, maybe the pitch is not as clear, you know, there are opportunities online and offline You can create videos on youtube you can post them on twitter You could retweet some of these people that might be at the conference before you get there to start testing The language the wording and the problem that you're looking to address to see if there's actual people showing interest online first Then go to the conference and you'll have a much better pitch And I think it's fascinating that, you know, we've talked about the elevator pitch a few times here on these podcasts recently on networking, but also in the past and To be honest a lot of times these networking events are less about Making a decision on the spot and getting pitched to in fact a lot of networking events have strict rules around pitching no pitching Because it's about fostering relationships So going to these events and thinking about all the decision makers that you'd like to have on board Maybe mentoring you think about how you can add to their life first As we said earlier you add some value to their life and then they turn around and go What is it that you're working through nicoletta? What is it that you're hoping to get? Oh, you're starting an NGO and now they're going to be much more warm and receptive to that pitch Then just cold walking up to them after they get off stage and say hey, what do you think of this idea? Right because as we know There are a plethora of ideas It's the execution it's showing that person that if I partner with you You're going to follow through you're going to be someone that's worth my time, which is incredibly valuable So showing them that you're willing to go out of your way and shoot a video of them On stage create a little social media asset that they can share after their talk That you're going to add value to their life Then when you do have an opportunity to pitch them, they're going to know you're going to follow through It's worth supporting you on this mission. The last question we have today is about relationships I found that with my ex who I was with for 11 years until earlier this year That when we were out with other people at the pub or other people's houses, etc I would struggle to interact with her and thinking about it Maybe subconsciously thought that whilst we were out with friends that I should chat to them and that I would chat with her When I was back home I've definitely noticed that when out with other couples they still interact with each other both serious pragmatic chats But also friendly banter and showing each other that they cared for one another I was wondering whether the way I was is common or not and whether you guys had any tips to help with this When it comes to relationships, how do you communicate with your spouse? Yeah, I've we've been married 17 years now and you know in my world We go to a lot of parties and networking events and conferences and things like that So I think even early on Um, it's just the conversation before the event, you know, that's where it starts It's just hey, you know, like so her name is Julie. So I'd say hey, Joel Like this thing like there's a few people I really want to meet. So are you are you cool? She's like, yeah, totally cool And that means like she's gonna go kind of handle like Meeting people herself and I'm gonna go off and I'm gonna meet people and that's totally fine It's like how can you set the expectation ahead of time in the same way? You know, if we're going to uh, some sort of a conference thing That's more like my thing I can say like, hey, this is this is what I'd love to accomplish while I'm here I'd love to meet a couple of these people But I'd really love you to introduce you to this one person or whatever it is And then that way she knows like when she looks at cross Looks to me makes eye contact from across the room and I'm like, you know, come on over here Like kind of like nodding at her. She knows that that means like come like let's let's Introduce ourselves to this particular person. So I think that's the challenge It's how can you have the conversation before the event so that you're all you're both on the same page But I got to tell you guys, you know, 41 years old married for 17 years It's awesome to be at an event with your spouse Like I would say it doesn't sound like it was the right relationship match because I are you kidding me? I can't wait to show her off if you will like to Introduce her to people because I'm like, you think I'm pretty good. You should meet my wife She's incredible because she always has some wisdom or insight or something interesting to bring to the to the conversation I really like that and the other thing is well your spouse and you too your spouse You should be your biggest fans for each other and they cannot cheer you on if they don't have any clarity And what you're working on and I that's Obviously your message has been clarity for yourself And for those who are around you and I love that I think a couple things I'd like to add on here Certainly agree that setting expectations before Having a conversation in the car right over to the house party or to the pub of you know, what are you looking forward to this evening? What are you excited about? I was thinking about running off and and talking all your friends And maybe hear from them. No actually I'd prefer, you know, we spent some time together I feel like I haven't seen you all week, right? So there's the expectations then there's also the after the event the check-in, right? How'd you like that event? What'd you think? What didn't you like and and share and be open and honest so that you can get that feedback because I feel like What he's explaining here is a lack of communication A lack of expectation setting and then a lack of a check-in after of like Well, was that a fun event for her because I felt like it was great And if she didn't feel like it was great Well, then maybe you need to switch up some of what you're doing and some of your behaviors The last piece I want to talk about and this is a topic we went in depth on on an earlier podcast is the five love languages And we all express love and affection for others in different ways And we have different expectations of how we need to receive it as well And a lot of times what we're talking about here is a mismatch Where you think you're expressing love and your partner doesn't feel it as that expression of love So being clear on your partner's love language. Is it quality time together? Well, then she's probably going to expect some quality of time even when you are out in a group Is it words of affirmation? Is it letting her know? Wow, you did such a great job Pitching the business for me. That was so awesome or wow, I love when you tell that story You really had the whole party's attention. That was fantastic You know those small things go a long way towards smoothing over this miscommunication that seems to be going on And I will tell you that as we said earlier, everyone has different temperaments You know, she just may be really introverted and and because of that she feels a little clingy in these Situations because she doesn't always know what to say. She feels a little anxiety Or she could be the opposite where she's really independent and she doesn't want you at her side She wants to be able to have her own conversations and talk to people and then come back to you But if if you're not understanding and communicating your temperament your love languages What you need to feel fulfilled then of course we're going to have these struggles in relationships Now we love to give our listeners a challenge each week and one of the exercises in your book is about saying thank you We thought it'd be such a fitting exercise for the final episode of our month on networking Could you explain this exercise to our listeners? Oh, absolutely You know saying saying thank you just goes such a long way and for years I struggled to write thank you notes I think that's like the premier You know level the top tier of saying thank you when whenever I move I just moved my office around this last weekend and as I was going through like these just piles of paper that I had to You know get rid of or whatever the the the ones that I had the trouble throwing away Were the thank you notes because I want to I want to hang on them right like they really really matter So thank you notes. You could say things like you you know, you did a great job Thanks for helping me in a certain way Maybe somebody answered your question right in them. I thank you don't think thanks for answering my question They gave you an opportunity. Maybe they introduced you to somebody So what I want you guys to do Is to look back over the last couple months just even look at your calendar Or look at your social media and look at a couple people that helped you out in some way and now turn Back to them and say thank you So there's there's like two or three ways to do that one is to write that handwritten Thank you note You can hit somebody up on instagram or on facebook messages say Hey, can you send me your mailing address and most people will send it because they know you're going to mail them Something cool right and so then write a little personal thank you note for those of you that are really working your personal branding You could even get some custom thank you notes printed There's a lot of places that will do that that really kind of takes your You know your art of charm to the next level because you've got these these custom thank you notes and write them a note Just say this specifically is what you did It really mattered it really helped me in this way and I just want to say thank you So you could do that another way to do it is to create a little video And just send it Through instagram or through through facebook and guys what I did right before right before we launched the book Is I knew that like book launch day was going to be so busy But I wanted to tell people on book launch day how grateful I was for them So a week before the book came out when I still had some space and some time available Is I went on a walk around this local park I took out my phone and I just recorded these 30 second thank you videos I recorded 40 of them and I sent them to my team with the directive that on book launch day Message these to all these people that I'm saying thank you too And it mattered like I got messages from people left and right saying thank you so much I know you're super busy and it just really means a lot that you'd recognize and say thank you So there there are a couple ways to do it. What do you guys think? I really enjoy that Absolutely, especially when people are giving you words of advice. They're inspiring you They're taking action in ways that influence your life to be thankful to show that gratitude Not only does it help grow your network, but it also helps with your mental health It puts you in a place of expressing gratitude, which is much better than a place of expressing contempt criticism and focusing on the negative So that's a great powerful habit to put together brian. Thank you so much for joining us I really appreciated the answers you had to these listener questions You added a lot to this episode and for our listeners who are curious to find out more about you Where can they find you? I know you have a kick-ass podcast as well Yeah, you know one of the best things that you guys can do follow me on instagram It's brian j dixon on instagram and send me a message. Let me know What's what's one thing that you heard in this show today that impacted you or what's one follow-up question you have I I love responding to dms and I think that's the best way to continue the conversation You know, obviously you can get the book. The book is called start with your people. It's available on amazon Audio listeners. We've got one on audible. You know, I recorded the audio book. So that's that's super fun as well But guys, I'm just so honored to be here. Thank you so much for having me today Thank you for coming on. Absolutely lots of great stuff here today. In fact, I there's a few mental notes I had taken just from listening to this for doing this podcast So I'm really excited and very actionable. Yeah, which is what we really appreciate our audience can benefit Thank you so much, brian