 Oil is life, and sometimes you've just got to grab it by the pussy. That's why we've teamed up with Big Oil and Big Banks to bring you the Dakota Access Pipeline. Once completed, it will transport shit tons of fact crude oil to our refineries where it will go on to fuel our commitments under the Paris Climate Summit to not give a shit about climate change. Safety is our priority. Accidents with toxic oil carrying pipes like these only occur, well, like most of the time. So where better to put one than under the majestic Missouri River where a leak will only poison the water source of millions of people downstream. This glorious pipe dream will also create thousands of local jobs, jobs, jets for a few months. The only thing standing between the Empire Earth, the government and total planetary habitat self-destruction is a rebel alliance of native tribes who've come together on the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation to peacefully protect the land and water for future generations. Ew. But don't worry, we're dealing with them in a culturally sensitive way. Enough wasting your taxes to invade countries on the other side of the world to get oil. This, folks, is the original American way, invading Native American lands to get stuff we want. Sure, we signed treaties to protect Sioux ancestral lands and burial sites, but that's never stopped us before. Remember that time we discovered gold in the Black Hills? The Treaty of Fort Laramie sure as heck didn't stop us from getting at it. We even left a thoughtful gift carved into their sacred mountain to say thank you and remind them of us forever. That's the spirit we're keeping alive today with the Dakota XS Pipeline, bringing you double the value by screwing both the past and the future in a single blow. Authorized by the Department of Homeland Invasions and Eco-Settled Pipe Dreams.