 The Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company presents the Halls of Ivy, its closing program for the semester. And I'd like to take this moment to thank you not only for your attendance at Ivy, your thousands of complimentary letters and friendly messages, but for your very evident interest in Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. We hope that come the fall reopening, see your local papers for the exact day and time, we'll find you again enrolled in our college to audit the course as they say in academic circles. And now the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. That's around us here today. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy USA. Night has descended upon the Ivy campus. The athletes have surreptitiously stubbed out their last illegal cigarettes of the day. The weary professors have settled down with their restoration novels and are gone to Western movies. The cappas and the deeks and the sakes and the fine elves have gone to their Greek slumbers. And at the powerhouse, the home of Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, President of Ivy and his wife Victoria, formerly of the English stage, the Sandman is getting a trifle impatient, as the doctor says. You're still awake, Victoria. I'm sorry darling, did the light wake on you? Can't you sleep? I'm about to. I've been turning a problem over in my mind, looking for a solution. I think I've found it. That's fine. Good night darling. Good night. Annie Bell. Hmm? Do you know Annie Bell? How does it go? It's not a song, it's a girl. That's fine. Sleep well darling. Thank you. You too. She's the problem. That's fine. Pleasant dreams. Same to you. I found her in tears this afternoon in front of the administration building. I introduced myself and asked her what the matter was. Guess what she said. Oh. Annie Bell. How does it go? She said she was graduating from Ivy High this summer, and that she'd applied for admission to Ivy College and been accepted, and now her father won't let her attend. Why not? Well, he doesn't seem to believe in higher education. She's heartbroken, but he refuses to budge. That is a problem. You say you have a solution? An excellent solution. What is it? I'm putting the entire matter in your hands. Good night. Good night. In my hands, Victoria, what have I to do with it? What have I to do with Annie Bell? Who? Annie Bell. How does it go? Now, Vicki, I can't interfere in a family relationship. But she's a brilliant student. You're always saying how much you want brilliant students at Ivy. Yes, but I can't go about capturing them with butterfly nets. Well, Toddy, she wants so very much to be one of us. And her father's so dead set against her going to college, you should hear the things he says. What does he say? But it's anything you can repeat to my unsophisticated ears. He says Ivy is overrated. The faculty members are crackpots. You are a panty-waste. The governor's a knucklehead. The curriculum's a batch of junk. That's enough, Vicki. That's enough panty-waste. What's her name, Annie Bell? Yes. Her father is Ira Bell. Ira? Well, you mean the member of the Ivy City Council? Yeah, that's the one. Oh, no, no, Vicki, I'm sorry now. Now I positively can't interfere. The friction between the town and the gown is too great as it is. Well, you could speak to the man, Toddy. No, I'm sorry. No, no, no. I'd merely seem officious if not impertinent. Annie told me she's in the park every Sunday morning with her father. Why not chat with them tomorrow when we're out walking the dog? No reason at all. Except we haven't got a dog. Well, we'll walk Professor Quincanon's dog. Let Quincanon walk his own dog. Oh, vice versa. It's large enough. I remember when that dog was a tiny puppy you could hold on the palm of your hand. Now the only way he can be distinguished from a large horse is that horses almost never try to sit on your lap. No, no, no. I want nothing to do with Quincanon's dog. They're all away for the weekend and I promise to look after the animal. So please, please, say your speech to Mr. Bell, Toddy. Well, let me think about it, Victoria. I'll decide during breakfast, all right? I suppose so. Good night, darling. Good night. Panty waves, indeed. Heavenly day. Smell the grass. Yes, lovely. Now where is that animal? Oh, chasing butterflies, I suppose. Oh, there, darling. No, over there, on the bench. Is that her father? Yes, yes, that's Councilman Bell. Vesuvius Bell. I thought it was Aura. No, Vesuvius is his nickname. He's the Mauna Law of the Ivy Council. Constantly an eruption. Well, wish me luck. I'm about to take the bell by the horns. Oh, oh, oh, why? Yeah, oh, oh, indeed. Good morning, Mr. Bell. Morning. Victoria, may I introduce Mr. Vesuvius... Mr. Bell. Mr. Bell is on the Ivy City Council. How do you do, Mr. Bell? Yeah. Meet my daughter, Annie, Dr. and Mrs. Hall. He's president of Ivy. How do you do, Doctor? How do you do? How do you do? I didn't know you had a daughter this age. She must be ready for college. Oh, I am, I love it. Yes. But she's ready for us to go to work until such time as she meets someone who can provide for her. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know things were going that badly for you. Bad? For me? I could send her to college for the next 50 years if I wanted. Then why don't you? I don't know what she's ready for. She can cook, sew, and take care of a house. What could she get at college? An education. Look, I know what you're going to say, Mrs. Hall. Let the girl go to college if she wants. I ain't blaming you. It's your husband's bread and butter. But I see it as a waste of time. Not worth a buffalo nickel. Well, I'm sorry you think so, Mr. Bell. Let's change the subject. That's your dog? What kind is it? The currentage is obscure. But he could probably take a prize for best of all breeds because I'm sure he is all breeds. Good looking round. Here, boy. Papa, don't. You know dogs don't like you. This one does, don't you, boy? No. He snuck at me. I am so sorry. I ate that dog kept on a lead. Oh, he's a gentle animal as a rule. You should have had him on a lead. Well, there's no sign of the park that says he has to be. There's going to be a lot of signs all over the park. I'll see to that. It'll be the first business before the council in the morning. Only a fathead would let a bad tempered mutt like that run loose. A lot of good your education has done you. Is there any new business? Mr. Chairman. Mr. Bell. Yesterday in the park, a dog running loose come along and took a nip at me. That's a threat to the safety of everybody in town. Mr. Chairman, is a private citizen permitted to speak at this council meeting? Is it open? Oh, it's you, Dr. Hall. I thought I saw you sitting there. Yes, you're allowed to speak. Thank you. I object to the wording proposed by Councilman Bell. Will he repeat it, please? No dogs must be brought into this park except on a lead. Well, does that mean it's all right to take the lead off the dog once it's in the park? I suggest the councilman could stand some education, particularly in the use of the English language. Mr. Chairman, I don't need no hyphem. Mind your temper, Ira. It don't need an education to put up a sign in the park. I take back that sign and I offer this one. Now, Mr. Chairman, such a sign is addressed to the dogs and not to the owners. Is the dog supposed to read the sign and then trot home and put on a lead? Councilman Bell's education seems to me to be a... Order! Order in here! Order! Mr. Chairman, here's one he can't object to. That means that if I want to walk in the park without my dog, I must first put a lead on it even if the dog stays at home. If that's what Councilman Bell had in mind, I think he stated it remarkably well because... Dr. Hall, are you trying to hold this council up to ridicule? Oh, certainly not, Mr. Chairman. Possibly you wouldn't mind framing this simple order. Well, it should read dogs who... I mean, people whose dogs... That is, dogs owned by people. I ain't got a dog. Anyhow, I'm chairman here. With the greatest respect, it appears to me that Councilman Bell's education has been neglected and that this matter should be referred to someone with enough knowledge of English... I don't need no long hairpinning ways to tell me what to do. If it's the last thing I do... Papa, stop pounding the table. A coffee will sell all... Nuts to the coffee. Would you like me to make up a sign for you? Oh, so you're on Hall's side. You don't think your old man can do it? Well, I don't need no help. Well, you better get it right this time. Did you see what the evening time says? What it say? If a city councilman cannot concoct a simple sign, he should retire. If he refuses to retire, he should be recalled. Councilman Bell's demonstrated ignorance... Never bring that paper into this house again. It's communistic. Try and undermine the city government. This is giving me a headache. I'm going out. Of course, my dear. Come up on the porch. Hello, Dr. Hall. Hello, Annie. I'm glad you came by. We were thinking about you. Oh? You know, it occurred to us during dinner that you might have to bear the brunt of the strong feelings unleashed at the council meeting this morning. Are you all right? Yes, thank you. I'm all right. You're quite sure? Oh, yes. But Papa isn't so good. His pride's awful hurt. Well, I had no idea when I started all this that it would have such consequences. I'd like to speak to your father, Annie, and ask him if we couldn't settle this matter without any... You don't speak to him all right. What's cooking around here anyway? I figured you'd come here, Annie. You go on straight home. Mr. Bell, just a moment. Don't go, Annie. I ain't interested in nothing you've got to say. Don't let your temper interfere with your good sense, man. I want to talk to you about calling this whole thing off. Call it off? Yes. If you have any idea of the results of this morning's council meeting, my mail is full of letters, crack part, and otherwise. I've been deluged with requests to appear on television shows. Well, it's your own fault for meddling. Oh, I'm not the only sufferer, and it's even begun to affect public welfare. Do you know that crossing the square today we saw fist fights? Two men bludgeoning each other. Over a difference in opinion is to the correct wording of the sign. That sort of thing can spread you now. I am sincerely sorry, Bell, that I permitted a slight annoyance to get the better of my judgment. Well, maybe I went off kind of half-cocked myself. When I was a young man, I had an awful temper. My old man said I ought to take treatments for it. I asked him what kind of treatment, and he said I needed shots. Two of them through the head. Well, what do you suggest? Simply that I will not be at the meeting tomorrow. You can then say that you feel the matter of signs in the park should be dropped. And in 24 hours, the whole thing will be forgotten. You sure you won't be at that meeting? I promise. You know, all of this started through a sincere desire on my part to point out the advantages of a good education for your daughter. She's a fine girl, Mr. Bell. The real thirst for knowledge. I'm amazed that a man of your means would stand in her way, but as you say, she knows how to cook, so and keep house, and that's enough. Until the right man comes along to take care of her. Well, the right man has come along. Hey, Vicki, don't you think it's time for Annie to go to work? Yes. Mr. Bell, your training has fitted Annie for one thing if nothing else, and we'll be very happy to take advantage of it. Annie? Yes, Mrs. Hall. Will you do something for me? Anything. Then I want you to come and take care of us. Cook? So do all the housework. Naturally, we will pay you fair wages. My daughter? What did you... You trained her well, Mr. Bell. And, um... Annie? Yes, sir? This way, in your spare time, you could work your way through college. As your maid? Yes. Now, if your father wants to know what's cooking, tell him you are. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. We'll return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colbin in just a moment. But first, let's hear from a man who got a wrong number that turned out all right. It was one of those hot, humid evenings last week, and I was slouched in the lounge chair on the terrace trying to get cool when the telephone rang. I glanced over at Mary, but she had that ladies be seated look that wives get, so I climbed out of my chair and went inside, and looked at the phone. A party on the other end said, Mr. Edmonds, we'll have that order of yours out in a few minutes. I just wanted to check and see whether you wanted your case of Schlitz beer cold or not. Well, I'm sorry, I said I think you have the wrong number. My name is Moran, and the phone number is 207-6-M. But say, could you have one of those cases dropped off at my place, and I'd like mine cold. Well, he took down my address, thanked me for the order, and hung up. When I returned to the terrace, I just told Mary that there was a wrong number. A few minutes later, the delivery clerk pulled out. I met the man at the kitchen door, paid him, and then poured two glasses of Schlitz beer. Well, aren't you the little surprise party Mary said when I explained what had happened? And we sat back relaxed, and I felt considerably cooler. That Schlitz beer certainly hits the spot. You know, Mary has said, it's no wonder Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. If it tastes this good to everyone who tries it, I can understand why they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Returning to the halls of I.B., we find Dr. and Mrs. Hall awaiting the arrival of Messrs. Wellman and Maryweather, who have phoned rather urgently requesting that the halls be at home. Are you going to be accused of kidnapping Annabelle, Toddy? What do you think it's about the council meeting? Well, we'll soon find out when our two friends arrive. Toddy, your language please. You're speaking of Mr. Wellman. Oh, sorry. Let's say our friend Maryweather and his friend. I'm surprised we haven't heard him screaming on the way. All this bother. You know, Vicki, when the thesis I wrote for my doctorate was published, no one took notice. When I won the fight to make Greek optional rather than mandatory here at I.B., nobody sent up skyrockets. And when I instituted the great books course, the veritable revolution in American education, the news appeared in one paper between a photo of a man who could hold six golf balls in his mouth and an ad proclaiming the merits of the depilatory. And now, simply because I'm trying to direct a young girl down the path she should be taking, my next newspaper photo will probably be just my head. Off. And if I ever get on to it with both hands, I like it where it is. I'll let them in. You build a better mousetrap indeed. What do you catch? Mice. A man wants to make test control his life's work. It's all very well, but don't come to me. William, we have visitors. Oh, good evening, Mr. Wellman and Mr. Maryweather. This is a pleasant surprise. Won't you sit down? Dr. Hall, I'll be brief and to the point. Dr. Hall, it's good to see you again. You're looking fine. You don't know how you do it. The only exercise you seem to take is lifting Bartlett's quotations off the shelf and putting it back again. And that only a few times a week, Mr. Maryweather. You seem to be fit too. Dr. Hall, I'll be brief and to the point. I feel fit. I feel more than fit. Dr. Hall, I'll be brief and to the point. This matter... I always feel that way this time of the year. You know, he wouldn't think an old buck like me would ever again get the urge to put wine leaves in his hair and go prolicking, would you? But I do. I do. Up early every morning, helping the peasants trampling out the orange juice. Well, Clarence, you're just going to sit there like a mummy. We're supposed to be here on business. Start talking. Dr. Hall, I'll be... And Clarence, keep it brief and to the point. Dr. Hall, at the meeting of the Board of Governors this afternoon, Mr. Maryweather and I were appointed a committee of two with the duty of bringing to your attention, as it were, the views of the entire board, so to speak. Did you know they used to call Clarence here the boy order of the River Platte when he was in high school? And I've just figured out why. The Platte River is very long, not very deep in wines all over the landscape. Please, I'm trying to... Dr. Hall is boils down to this. The Board wants your private ruckus with the town council to stop, but quick. Is the board acquainted with all the facts in the matter? Dr. Hall, it is always imperative that the relationship between the college and the community be on the most amicable level. And Mr. Wellman... There is nothing you can say but will change my mind. Mr. Wellman, if you don't... I am not in the least interested in any argument you may advance. Mr. Wellman, I would like to say... If your altercation will console Mobile, Kenan must be brought to a halt for the good of the school. Mr. Wellman... What is it? Your rights. Why don't you, sir? You're absolutely right. What is it, Mary? Answer the man. Good, Doctor. Nobody's ever told Clarence before he was right about anything. There's been a nasty shock for him. You want to sit down, Clarence, till your heart, if any, starts beating again? Well, I'm sure Mr. Wellman would like to know what I propose to do regarding Councilman Bell. I'm seeing him in a few minutes, and I shall turn in a complete report to the board. That will be quite satisfactory, Doctor. Was there anything else, Mary, about it? Anything else? No, Clarence. No, I didn't think so. As a matter of fact, it's true, isn't it? We just happened to be passing, and thought we'd drop in to say hello. Right, Clarence? Hello? Yes, yes, of course. Hello. Hello, Clarence. Good day, Doctor, and Mrs. All. Glad you stopped by, Mr. Bell. Now that the excitement's over... Doctor Hall, you think that exhibition in the Council meeting proved that I'm just an ignorant farmer? Oh, not necessarily. I think, however, it did prove that you were not equipped to meet me or anyone at Ivy in a contest which called for educational ground rules. If you were embarrassed, it was because you issued a challenge to an opponent in a heavier division. Well, believe me, I've heard plenty about it. Everybody in town has been pulling my ears. And I'd like to make a confession to you, Mr. Bell, about that sign in the park. Yeah? What about it? Well, I was being intentionally picking you in about it. I doubt if there is any way to write such a sign that could not be criticized. So it was just a trick to teach me a lesson. Well, I've been an obstinate man all my life. The only time I'm really licked is when I find out the other guy's right. That don't happen very often. It did this time. And your daughter? Why should she have to work her way through college just on account of her old man's stubbornness? Well, I think that's a very generous way to look at it. Not generous at all. I've got plenty of money. When you're wrong, you've got to pay off. Go along, Doctor. Keep an eye on Annie. I will, Mr. Bell. Good day. And come again. There's such an absolute silence in here. I couldn't help coming in. I thought you'd killed each other. On the contrary, my dear, everything is peaceful. We both hit the sawdust trail, saw the light, and are now walking together hand in hand into the sunset. And while the golden sun is slowly thinking into the western hills, you can sing me the last verse of Annie Bell. How does it go? The iron hand has been lifted. Now, when the right man comes along, she can not only sew and cook and make the beds, she can assault him with rhetoric and calculus. I hope I haven't ruined an otherwise happy marriage. Oh, I think so, Todd. Well, after all, I could read and write, and we've been happy. But I can still write. In fact, I've written the perfect sign for the park. You have? Sure, it's easy. What does it say? Children and dogs welcome in this park under any and all circumstances. Now, why couldn't I have thought of that? I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colvin. Ladies and gentlemen, Vicki and I would like to add our own deep appreciation for your gratifying response to the Hall's of Ivy. This added to our very pleasant association with our offstage Board of Governors, the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, has made the presidency of Ivy a most enjoyable experience. Wouldn't you say so, Vicki? I not only would, Todd, I do, at frequent intervals. And I don't think we should close the school for the summer without a word of thanks to the faculty. Ken Carpenter, Henry Russell, Matt Wolf, Don Quinn and his writers, and, well, everybody on the campus. Now then, can you think of a graceful little phrase to bow out with, William? Well, I might quote another William who could, as Prospero says in The Tempest, our revels now are ended. These are actors, as I foretold you, were all spirits and are melted into air, into thin air. And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, the cloud capitals, the gorgeous palaces, the solemn temples, the great globe itself, yea, all which it inherits, shall dissolve. And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleeve. Good night. The preceding program was transcribed.