 Jane! Jane! Yes, Irma, what is it? I can't understand why I was five pounds overweight when I stood in the scales. I told you why. You had that heavy purse in your hand. Well, not the second time, Jane. I hung it over my shoulder. That's what you can expect when you listen to my friend Irma. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship When other friendships have been forgot There's will still be hope Lever Brothers Company, makers of swan The soap with the exclusive super-creamed blend presents Our friend swan With my friend Irma Starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane 12 o'clock Saturday The noon whistles have just blown And me little Jane Stacey, I'm gonna do the same Because as far as the Rhinelander Investment Company is concerned They can take their job and till Monday morning So I covered my typewriter, opened my purse Examined my shopping list Looked at my paycheck, tore up my shopping list Kicked my typewriter, slammed the door, and I'm off Which reminds me, Irma Peterson is waiting for me on 42nd Street You ought to be ashamed of yourself smoking a cigar in broad daylight Well, plowl lady, I'm old enough to be your father Don't you dare sit there and talk to me that way Ah, look lady, I ain't sitting I happen to be a singer midget and I'm tall for my age Just a minute, sonny Ah, listen lady, stop annoying me or I'll climb up over this curb and let you have it Ah, things are always trying to pick me up Not by my watch, it's stopped Oh Jane, I had a terrible experience with a little boy smoking a black cigar I'm sure he wasn't any more than two feet old Oh, Irma, why is it that these things only happen to you? No one else Come on honey, let's go shopping, huh? Jane Jane What's the matter, honey? Jane, I feel two eyes in my back Irma, we've just passed an optometrist sign Don't cause a scene, please But Jane, I think we're being followed Look back, I'm scared Oh Irma, you're just being silly, but I'll, I'll Irma, someone is following us Jane, what'll we do? Well, let's turn up this side street, see if he follows, come on Look back, look back Irma No Jane, you look back Alright Irma, he's still following us Now I'm getting worried Well, don't be scared Jane You know the saying, two's company, three's a crowd So as long as we're in a crowd, nothing can happen Come on, please honey, let's run, maybe we can shake him Not me Jane, I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole Irma, Irma, I have a feeling he's catching up with us Hurry up honey, come on, hurry Irma, what are you doing with that handkerchief? I'm going to drop it Why? Well, if he's a macho, I think I'm flirting with him And when he bends over to pick it up, you hit him And I'll kick him and then we'll both run That sounds like a good idea honey, maybe it'll work Drop the handkerchief Alright, there Uh, pardon me, did you ladies drop this handkerchief? Yes Oh, here it is Oh Jane, it didn't work, he picked it up with his cane I've been following you young ladies for several blocks That's evident Oh, I apologize You see, I'm a photographer Oh sure, yeah, I know You're a photographer and you thought we were so beautiful That you want to take pictures of us, send us to Hollywood And give us a contract to play opposite Gaby Hayes Oh no, no, you got me all wrong I know this is a very unprofessional approach And I don't blame you for being suspicious So here's my name and my card Jack Varell, chief photographer, Manhattan Magazine I know you've heard of our magazine Well you see, I've been assigned to do a series of pictures Of typical young working girls So I'd like to take some pictures of you Oh Jane isn't it wonderful You'll be on the cover of a magazine Imagine my best girlfriend for only 15 cents 20 in Canada Now there's no sense in discussing it further at this time You check on the legitimacy of my offer And if you're interested I'd appreciate it If you'd give me a ring later today Goodbye Bye Gee Erma, do you think he's a phony? Well I don't know Jane But let's go home and ask Al If he's a phony Al will know No question about it If he's a phony he'll turn out to be Al's best friend It's only me, Professor Kropatkin Hello Jane and Erma, my two little ballet dancers One on her toes, the other still spinning Excuse me, a little joke I picked up from a dying swan Oh Professor Jane has a chance to be a photographer's model Shouldn't she take it? Why not? Name me two prettier girls in all of New York Than my two little sweethearts Oh, Professor that's sweet of you I know beauty when I see it Don't misjudge me just because I go around with Mrs O'Reilly You know, many a man who likes steak has to be satisfied with hash Oh Professor, I don't think you should describe Mrs O'Reilly that way You're right, Erma, she's not hash She's more on the order of pigs knuckles But I like her, she's got a good heart When I'm sick she makes me a little soup And that saves my life Because I know if I don't get out of bed her soup is gonna kill me But Janey dear, I think this will be a good opportunity for you I want to wish you lots of luck And now I got to leave because Mrs O'Reilly is taking me for a walk in the Bowery The Bowery, that's a terrible place I know, but she wants some ideas on how to redecorate my room Only one person in an apartment house has got the nerve to knock like that, the landlady Come in Mrs O'Reilly Hello girls, hello Professor Oh Mrs O'Reilly, maybe you could help me I'd like to ask you advice, I've got a chance to pose as a photographer's model Do you think I should accept it? What are you asking her for, what does she know? How dare you say that Professor I'll have you know I used to be a model misself in the younger days You model? What for, the monitor or the Merrimack? Oh go along with you, as a girl I had a very attractive figure And a warmy bustle at a reekish angle In fact people used to mistake me for Anna Held I see what you mean, where Anna Held you bulge Come along Mrs O'Reilly, let Janey decide for herself Well I guess you're right Professor After all Janey's got a good head on her shoulders She's not like her, goodbye Irma, bless you you're a lovely girl Irma I've made up my mind, and I've got a hunch I'm going to call up the magazine and check on Mr Varell right now Oh good for you Jane Oh Jane if it works out well for you then maybe you could get me a job too Then we could model twin things like a two way stretch You could stretch one way and I could stretch the other Grant you'll be in Scotland before me Hello, hello Manhattan Magazine Do you have a Mr Varell there? Oh he's head of your photographic department? Yes I'd like to speak with him thank you Irma he's not a phony, not a... Hello, hello Mr Varell This is Miss Stacy the young lady you gave the card to this morning Yes yes I know now it's a legitimate proposition But you can't blame a girl for being suspicious Yes I'd very much like to model for you What's that? You'll come over tonight? At my place? Oh you have a deadline to make Yeah, yeah I suppose it'll be alright Yes at 8 o'clock, fine I live at 8224 West 73rd Street Apartment 3B See you at 8, goodbye Oh, Irma he's coming here tonight To shoot the picture, he says he has a deadline Oh my gosh, I have no idea what to wear Oh Jane don't be silly for a deadline you'd wear black Hello Irma Peterson Well now that I've decided to do it I've got to look my best And Irma please note I don't want anything to go wrong Understand? Oh don't worry Jane why don't you wear your grey pleated skirt I'll be glad to press it for you No thanks honey Why can't I press it for you? Because I remember how it looked the last time you pressed it You see Irma pleats are supposed to run up and down Not across Oh well Jane there must be something I can do I know I'll fit your hair How so it'll never grow again? I can brush your suede shoes Like you did the last time with my hair brush Oh how about my... No Gosh Jane can I even do your nails? No honey I didn't like the way you did them last time I happen to be one of those persons who likes only one point on each nail Hiya chicken Hello Jane Hi Al excuse me will ya I've got to get my things together What are you so excited about Jane don't run off I want to tell you about my new deal Do not care to hear about your deal It can have no effect on me whatsoever I already have the jitters Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna get dressed Jane's never interested in me or my work I'd love to hear your new deal Ah thanks chicken always can depend on you And you won't go wrong because this one will make all our dreams come true It's a campaign button with a picture of Truman wearing a button with a picture of Stassen Wearing a button with a picture of Wallace Wearing a button with a picture of MacArthur So you don't have to commit yourself in front of the wrong people Hey Al you're the smartest man I know He's a kiss Let's have it Hello Chicken why do you always say hello when I kiss you Well sometime I think it's all a dream but when you answer me I know you're there Someday I'll be there with you for life Well but until then I wish there was some glamour in my life Like what happened to Jane What happened to Jane Well she's going to be a photographer's model Oh I envy her Oh chicken get that notion out of your head I ain't marry a no career girl I know where these things lead First you're a model then you win a beauty contest Then you become a chorus girl I don't want our kids to say Hey Pop give me a quarter for the show I want to go see mom She never looked at it that way Well chicken how about you and me taking a little walk huh Well any other time Al but right now I've got to go in and help Jane She won't appreciate it No Al, Jane needs me after all without me things can go wrong And I should be there to make sure Okay we'll pick you up later tonight and we'll go to a movie Do you have all your clothes laid out on the bed Yeah, yeah that's because I want to know where everything is That includes you Now please don't touch anything Ah but you know I want to help Isn't there anything I can do like pluck your eyebrows No honey, no you did that once before And when you were finished everyone thought I worked for the telegraph company I had three dots in a dash over each eye Irma, sweetie I don't want anything to go wrong I want to look my very best for the picture So just sit in that chair over in the corner and watch Oh Jane, see there must be some little thing I could do I feel so useless and empty inside All right honey All right there is something you can do Bring me a little table lamp in the front room, huh? I need more light Well thank you Jane Now let's see, here's a table lamp I'll just gently pick it up They went out in here too You know ladies, swan soap actually differs from other soaps Sure, feel a cake of swan, it feels smoother As Susie Swan says, it's a smoothie It's a smoothie, it's a cake of swan You can feel that super cream blend You can feel the difference in it You can tell it in a minute, it's a smoothie That's swan Yes ladies, the way swan feels is a direct result of swan's super cream blend Run your fingertips over the surface of the cake Feel the smoothness Then feel swan's suds They feel richer, creamier And swan's mild suds protect your hands Sure, when you're through, look at your hands They're left with a smooth, soft, young look What's more, swan's super cream suds rinse away so completely Your dishes don't need wiping Yes, ma'am, swan's soap means faster dishwashing And protection for your hands Thanks to swan's exclusive super cream blend Manhattan Magazine's prospective glamour girl Sitting in total darkness with my beloved roommate But as dark as this room is I don't think it begins to compare with the blackout Which is Irma's mind She had to blow a fuse Just when there's no one in the entire building to help us And just when I'm on the brink of the greatest opportunity a girl ever had You know I should be crying? Doesn't work that way Irma is the one that's crying Irma, would you just please Please, please stop that whimpering So you didn't mean to blow the fuse Alright, I forgive you That's not why I'm crying Then why are you crying? I'm afraid of the dark The snakes don't be a child With three floors up, now who could get in here? A tall second story man Fireplace, honey Where are you? I think I'm in it Irma, that's the radiator Honey, please stop that crying And help me get out of this spot, please Run down to the drugstore and get a box of fuses Alright, Jane But I can't see where the door is Oh yeah, well Just figure out where in the room you're standing I can't I'm so frightened and nervous My hands are dripping with perspiration Well, stand still And I'll feel my way over to you Irma, your hands are in the goldfish bowl I thought I had an awful lot of fingers Now where's the door? Oh, it's so dark Well honey, just walk ahead And turn when you get to the couch The walls are closing in on me Irma, you're in the closet I'll show you the door Now get the fuses, Irma He'll be here any minute I'll be right back, Jane Hiya, chicken What's the big hurry? Hello, Al I blew out the fuse And Jane's trying to get dressed for the photographer And I'm on my way to buy a fuse Well, ain't necessary, chicken In an emergency like this There's only one man to call Who else but... Hello, Joe Ah, got a problem What do you know about electricity? Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-huh Mm-hmm You refuse to discuss the subject? It has taken four members of your family? Well, how, Joe? Oh, it came suddenly They were all sitting in a chair at the time Understand and respect your feelings, Joe We'll handle it myself Gotcha Goodbye, Joe Chicken, know what to do Let's go down to the master control box downstairs We'll fix everything Well, do you know anything about electricity? All there is to know Follow me You see, chicken If a man ain't handy around the house He can't call himself a man For instance, the other day The hotel shut off my lights on a little technicality I didn't pay the rent So what do I do? I rig up my lights to the hotel sign outside my window Does it work? I don't know, if just like the sign Well, here we are, chicken Here's the master control box Well, but you haven't got a fuse Don't need a fuse Just put a penny in like this Do you notice how dark it is? Not all the lights are out How do you like that? Force a habit Use the slug instead of a penny But it's easily fixed There must be another fuse box up in your apartment We can take care of Oh, yes, in the kitchen closet It's full of pipes and switches A field day Let's go Gee, Al Doesn't it seem a crime? Why? We spend so much money on a tunnel of love And now we have all this darkness for nothing We waste it Realize the opportunity, chicken But someone is liable to slug us in the dark It'll be Jane with a baseball bat Well, here we are, Jane Where are you? That's you, Al I'm in the shower And I haven't got a minute to waste We'll have everything fixed immediately Handy man, you know All right, chicken Where's that fuse box? Right over here, Al Don't even have a match But know my way around these things Well, let's see These pipes must be feeder pipes Feel a little loose Oh, here's a wrench We'll tighten them up Any results, Jane? Yeah The water's coming Yeah The water's stopped running Not out here My feet are getting wet Sakes, now I can't get this soap off me We'll fix it in a minute Now let me see There should be a loose wire around here See if you can feel around for it, chicken A loose wire? Oh, here's one Oh, wait, it's stuck I'll give it a few yanks Thanks No results Listen, the two of you I'm gonna catch pneumonia I don't know what you're up to But you call the electric company at once Do you hear? Logical suggestion, chicken Do what she says What, chicken? I think I pulled the wrong wire The phone doesn't work now What are the two of you up to? The lights don't work The water doesn't work Now the phone doesn't work I can't even commit suicide Because I'm sure the gas doesn't work either How can they take pictures of me? I'm covered with soap I got in an old robe and my hair's a mess So the evening shouldn't be a total loss Me and chicken are sitting here on the sofa The magazine, you tell him I'm sick I have left town Oh, it's me and the professor girls My watch happened to all the lights Irma blew the fuse And Al helped her with the rest Just when I'm expecting some Oh, how dreadful to be stranded in the dark like this Now that all depends on how you view it To me, Mrs. O'Reilly, you have never looked more beautiful Oh, quiet, professor We better hurry out and find some fuses Oh, no, it's too late He'll be here any minute and I'm just a mess Well, there's no time to waste Come on, professor Oh, oh, it's... Oh, it's so dark on the staircase Give me your hand, professor Positively, now You're liable to enjoy it And I know you You're just the kind who will go around blowing out fuses Face, are you mad at me? For you and that fugitive from an honest dollar That must be me Now look here, Jane No, Beast But we're sorry, Jane Out of my silver box Because you thought it looked too old Down because you read that midriffs were in style I have something to tell you What? You look a mess I know my hair is a mess And my face is covered with soap And I'm wearing an old bathrobe Tell him I'm sick, I went out of town Well, I'm here to photograph Miss Stacy Jane is dead I want to see her sick grandfather Hold it, chicken Let the guy in, tell him the truth Hello Oh, oh, Mr. Varel, I'm so sorry You see... Hey, hold it, hold it You look perfect Perfect? Yes, perfect How'd you think of the get-up? Get-up? Oh, I'm so glad you understand it We're after Manhattan Magazine doesn't want fancy poses We want realism And I've got just a slant for the picture Manhattan Magazine visits the average American girl On Saturday night when she starts getting dressed For her date We'll shoot you from the tub to the trocadero You'll be sensational Oh, isn't it wonderful, Jane? Your picture is going to be on all the magazine stands Yeah, soap sets and all Well, you should be glad At least everybody will know you had a bath Things like that That make me want to shower My affections on the head of my friend, Erma Well, ladies, don't wander far from your radios right now Because we have two grand pieces of news for you First, listen Have you heard about the exciting aluminumware offer? It's the offer being made by Lux Flakes Rinseaux, Lux Toilet Soap Lifeboy, Silver Dust Brie and Swan Soap And it's wonderful Yes, ladies, your dealer can help you get A modern, heavy-gauge aluminumware for your kitchen You save from 33 and a third to 50% on this offer You get a set of two 8-inch cake pans worth $1.15 For only 75 cents Or you can get a two-quart saucepan Or a 9-inch frying pan worth $2 each For only $1 apiece Your dealer can give you all the details Yes, ask your dealer about the Lever Aluminumware offer He'll tell you how to get in on it And now, ladies, here are the names of the grand winners In the fifth and final week of the $100,000 Lever Fur Contest First prize, a $3,000 mink coat or the cash Goes to Mrs. Leon L. Bagley of Cornish, New Hampshire Congratulations! The second prize winners are Grace R. Hossfeld Of Lacey Park, Hatborough, Pennsylvania Mrs. A. V. Diebert of Bethesda, Maryland Mrs. Ernest W. Blair of Tampa, Florida You each win a beautiful $1,000 fur coat or the cash Nice going! The other 325 winners will be notified by mail Don't forget, ladies Ask your dealer about the Lever Aluminumware offer tomorrow My friend, Irma, presented by Swan Another fine product of Lever Brothers Company Was produced and directed by Sy Howard Tonight's script was written by Sy Howard and Park Levy Folks, next Monday evening, listen again to Our friend, Swan With my friend, Irma Starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane The part of Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Konried Frank Bingman speaking Sprite Cakes are light and high Sprite There's a reason why Sprite Cakes improve with Sprite Rely on Sprite Yes, there's a reason why Sprite makes grand cakes Sprite has an amazing cake-improver secret Try the Sprite one bowl away and be sure of lighter, finer, richer cakes every time No other type of shortening has Sprite's cake-improver For new cake-making success, try Sprite The pure, all-vegetable shortening Rely on Sprite S-B-R-Y Rely on Sprite S-B-R-Y Union next week, one hour earlier And listen to the Lux Radio Theatre Immediately followed by my friend Irma This is CBS, where 99 million people gather every week The Columbia Broadcasting System