 W-E-A-F, New York. Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Just a moment, sir, don't forget your change. You'd never guess, but Avalons cost you less. Oh, why not always? King saying, welcome to Avalon time with Kurt Massey, Edna Stillwell, Jeanette, the Avalon chorus, Bob Strong and his orchestra, and Radio's red-headed ragamuffin, Richard Redscouton. Ladies and gentlemen, do you know why Avalon cigarettes are sensationally gaining in popularity everywhere? Do you know why millions of hard-to-please, but thrifty smokers from coast to coast are switching to Avalons? Well, I'll tell you why. They give you both outstanding quality and exceptional money-saving economy. Yes, Avalons cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. And don't think lightly of that saving, either. Three to five cents less per pack of cigarettes you smoke turns into real money in mighty short order. Now about Avalon's quality. Truly, you'd never guess they cost you less. Their union made from extra choice Turkish and domestic tobaccos perfectly blended to give you a smoke that positively cannot be surpassed. Remember this, friends. You can pay more, but you can't get finer quality cigarettes than Avalon. Certainly, you'll want to give them a trial. Why not get a pack tonight? And now, for the first inning of our screwball game, we bring you that press box fantasy headline hokum featuring that rangy, rugged, rake-ish, racing, roving, ranting, raving reporter, Red Skelton. Good evening, ladies and gents, but now for the news. Say, hasn't the news in the paper been terrible lately? Well, kiddin', the things that happens to Book Rogers are awful. Well, now for the news. News from coast to coast. Heat waves sweeps the country. Boy, it really has been hot lately. You know, kiddin', day before yesterday it was so hot. I saw a dog chasing a cat and it was so hot they were both walkin'. I found a way to keep cool at night, though, but it was awful. Crowd of pork chops and a pound of butter. Big explosion in California market. Not any fruits too big. You think I'm kiddin' all they grow marvelous things out there, and it's remarkable what rains. Sunshine's all the time. In fact, there's so much sunshine in California, they have to build big dams to hold it back. I'm goin' out there and buy me a little ranch. You know, all the actors have ranches out there. They raise their fruits and vegetables. Sally Ran has a ranch where she raises eyebrows. Crabapple Nebraska. Undertaker's whole convention here. What a flight. They got off the train and the band hit up their theme song. Well, all right. Dig, dig, dig. Well, all right. They made a few comments on how dead business was. And they were last seen drinking Planners Punch. Fashion news for the women. This winter, women are going to wear more fur. I bought my girl a fur coat. I don't know what kind of fur it is, but she had to build a fence in the closet to hang it up. It's a little embarrassing when I'm with her. Everybody comes up and asks her, what kind of an animal did that fur come from? Then they look right at me. Atlantic City, New Jersey. Tonight, 46 girls from every state in the union will seek the title of Miss America. You notice I said 46 states. Maine and Vermont have their own Miss America. My girl was in the beauty contest in Atlantic City last year. Oh, she's a beautiful thing. A little pigeon-toed though. In fact, she's so pigeon-toed her feet carry messages. It's hard to believe items. Please find a girl walking along Highway 41. She said she'd walk 14 miles. What did the goodness say? Well, that does about take care of the news for tonight. So, Jeanette will sing running through my mind. Sing it pretty, Jeanette, but pretty. Happy Blue Lice of Life, ladies and gentlemen. A short playlist on things that happen in everyday life, things that you do and that I do. In fact, all of us do. Well, what's this one about tonight, Red? Well, it's about a young married couple and the husband likes to sleep late. And as a result, the wife develops into a very fine nagger. You set the scene, Bill. Okay, Red. The place somewhere in your hometown. The time, 7.5 in the morning, just when sleeping is good. Now, as the scene opens, we find the young wife, played by Edna Stillwell, trying to get Red Skelton, the young husband, to wake up and go to work. Skelton is dead to the world. P.S., that last line was written by the sponsor. Listen. Aren't you up yet? What do I have to do to get you out of here? I've given you three hot-foots already. So that's what happened to my toes. Now, come on and get up. It's after 7. Hurry, or you'll miss your bus. Oh, I won't miss my bus. Gee, I hope Dagwood saves me a seat. I can't figure you out. Boy, you make me go to bed when I'm not tired and you make me get up when I'm sleepy. Someday I'm gonna make a million dollars not buy a thousand beds and sleep in every one of them. Who do you think you are, George Washington? You probably inherit your laziness from your father. No, I don't think so. He's still got his. Hurry now while I finish breakfast. Come on, get a move on you. All right, don't yell at me, oh gee. I think I'll do my set-up exercises. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two. That's that. Now I guess I'll get out of bed. Hey, what time is it? It's about 7.15. Oh, well, I got plenty. Why 7.15? Why don't you wake me up sooner? Where's my clothes? Right where you left them. Open your eyes. Open your eyes. You mean single-handed? I'll take a shower and I'll be right out for breakfast. All right, but don't go back to bed. And listen, you're gonna have to get more sleep. Just look at the bags under your eyes. Those aren't bags. I'm wearing my cheeks up this season. Hey, where's the soap? We haven't any soap. Why? I haven't entered any contest lately. Well, I'll take a shower without it, then. Gee, I love my cold shower some morning. I'll just turn it on full. Yeah, I feel like a new man. Where's the towel? They didn't come back from the laundry. Use the bath mat. All right. Oh, gee, this bath mat's awful rough. What do you got welcome printed on it for? Hey, gee, I... gets all shaved now. Hey, where's my razor? I'm using it to open a can of fruit salad. Okay. You wouldn't dare. Using my razor open a fine thing. Would you get sore if I shaved with your can opener? No, but you would. But come on, you haven't time to shave. Your bus leaves in 10 minutes. Hey, have I got any clean socks? Yes, they're on their way over from the laundry. What are they doing? Hitchhiking? What am I gonna wear? Well, why don't you take the scissors and cut off a pair of my old stockings? No, we're the same ones I took off. Gee, I hope I can find which end to put my feet through. I guess it don't make much difference. Now for my shoes. Oh, nuts. Now what's the matter? I broke my shoe lace. I guess I'll have to wear my button shoes after all. Hey, where's my blue shirt suit? I took it back for a retread. Yeah. Oh, where am I greening? See, everything happens when you're in a hurry. Now the button's off my vest. Will you sew it on? Sew it on yourself. I ain't no tailor. Well, you ain't no gay-bel either. Yeah. Boy, that's the fastest I've dressed since the man from the finance company was here. Hey, where's breakfast? Haven't you got a scrape yet? What's the matter? You look so tired. I'm a little tired. I counted sheep all night. Counting sheep, eh? Yeah. How many times have I told you not to bring your pets to bed with you? Come on, eat your breakfast. Do you want sugar in your coffee? No, I'll just... Where did you get that coffee? I like weak coffee, but that stuff's helpless. Oh, I can't understand it. It's drip coffee. Well, it makes time put in two drips instead of one. Who eats so fast? You're gonna get into gesture. Oh, don't heckle me. Pass the cereal. By the way, how much of this stuff have I got to eat before I'm an all-American boy? There's your bus. Hurry. Okay, goodbye. I'll be home early now. Hurry. It's not stopping. Hey, wait for me for a hurry. Wait a minute. Where? Oh, dear. He missed it. Well, of all the thumb tricks, boy, this takes the cake. I'm going back to bed. What's the matter with you? You can't do a thing like that. You'll lose your job. Oh, no, I won't. I just happened to remember today's Sunday. Fly a kite. The band our own Bob Strong. Turn it loose, Bob. The big Indian chief says about Avalon cigarettes. Well, he says... Oh, me big chief, Mickey Ha Ha. Pale face think I'm Indian smoke piece pipe. Smoke piece pipe. Oh, smoke Avalon cigarette. Okay. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the big chief is smart to switch to Avalon cigarettes. And believe me, it's a smart move on any smoker's part because Avalons give you very definite advantages. They're quality cigarettes that sell for three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. And bear this in mind, friends. It's not just the saving on one pack, but the repeated saving on every pack of cigarettes you smoke that turns into many, many dollars, extra dollars, too. But without knowing, you'd never guess Avalons cost you less. They're quality through and through, union made from the very finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos that money can buy. What more could you ask? Highest quality, outstanding, money-saving economy. Avalons certainly deserve a trial. Why not get a pack tonight? Tonight, Kurt Massey and the Avalon chorus have chosen a tune which many of you have requested they sing. Red sails in the sunset. Way out on the sea. Oh, carry my loved one. Home safely to me. Down where fishermen gather. I wonder far from the throng. I heard a fisher girl singing. And this refrain was her song. Red sails in the sunset. The sea sails at the dawn. Red sails in the sunset. You can stand off to send out Skelton's service. Now, if you're having trouble with your job, just send for Skelton and soon your troubles will be all over, all over the map. We now take you to his office where Edna Stillwell takes the phone calls and Skelton's clients just take it. Hello? Just to send out Skelton's service. If you're in the soup, we'll send a droop. Real estate? Oh, yes. Mr. Skelton knows lots about lots. Okay, when he comes in, he'll be out. Now, where is that guy anyway? Oh, why, Skye? I have for two cents that poppy right in the nose. No, I ain't got change for a nickel. Oh, crawl back up the rain. Come in here and stop arguing with that midget. Tell him to stop picking on me. Well, get busy. You're a real estate man. Mr. Lee's just called, and he wants you to take a lady out to see a house. Yeah. And hurry. He's going to his grandmother's funeral, and it's almost time for the game to start. Okay, where do I go? The house is at 246 Rosemary Lane. Okay, 246 Rosemary Lane. 246 Rosemary Lane. Okay, 246 Rosemary Lane. 246 Rosemary Lane. Oh, yeah. 468. This must be the place right here. This dump? Sure. It's a new house. Look better after you chop those weeds down. Hmm. I think it would look better if you chopped down the house and left the weeds. Oh, but you'll love it here. It's a nice, refined neighborhood. Yes. I think I smell a glue refinery. And look at that broken fence. You know what I heard? The guy that owns the place is so stingy. He tried to get a union to pick at his fence. But take a look at this door knocker. Genuine brass knuckles on it. Here, I got a key. We'll open it up and go in. Yeah, it's funny. This key don't fit. Oh, well, they probably give me the wrong key. Maybe I can open this window over here. Oh, it sort of broke a little, didn't it? Well, now it's open. I'll just climb in. Hey, that's more serious than I thought. The glass broke on both sides. That's a furnished house. Hey, this shouldn't be hard to rent. Well, I'll open the door and let it in. OK, ladies, step right into your new future home. Now, here's the least. Do you prefer to sign on the line with a small or large dock? I want to see it first. And what's the rent? $75 a month. Hmm. This living room is too small. $70 a month. And there's no fireplace. $65 a month. And I don't want a furnished house. Keep on. $60 now. Oh, whoa. The dining room looks nice. Back up to $65. However, I want the door through that side instead of the end. And I'd like cross ventilation. Oh, we can fix that. I'll call up a carpenter. Hello, operator. Get me divine 022. Yeah, 022 divine. Hello, send out a carpenter to 468 Rosemary Lane. Yes, the joint just around the curve on Anne Sheridan's road. OK. And I do like these pictures and the lampshades. And the drapes and the slip covers are a trinket. See, I thought they were Cretan. I will just rip them off and get some new ones. Hello, operator. Give me an interior decorator. No, not a liquor store. An interior decorator. You know, those people would tear your house apart and charge you $200 for putting it back the same way it was. You know, one of those artistic termites. Yeah. Hello, interior decorator. Can you send a decorator over to 468 Rosemary Lane? OK. Oh, boy, now. Oh, things are beginning to hum. That must be the carpenter. Come in. Well, are you the carpenter? Well, I ain't the body beautiful builder. The man with a hammer and nails. Oh, goodness, yes, Mr. Skelton. And if you want to hang any pictures, I have some very special hang nails. Well, what I want you to do, Herky, is to cut some doors and windows and these walls. Oh, heavens, that ought to be easy. Why, look, this wall is so thin you can see right through it. You're looking out a window. Oh. Now, look, we want a window over here so we can have some cross ventilation. Well, don't worry. I'll make the ventilation so crossed it'll be downright cranky. Now, you two just scoot on out of here and just let me at it, oh, I'm just dying to hack this place to smithereens. OK, all I'm asking is Woodman to spare that whole tree. Come on, lady, I want to show you the kitchen. Oh, it's beautiful out here. Now, here we are. Oh, well, what a queer kitchen. Well, look at that sink. It's right down on the floor. Well, that's where you can lay down and wash the dishes. I don't like it. It's too hard to do dishes with a sink so low. Why? It would break my poor husband's bag. The rent is now $50 a month. Now, I'd like to show you the laundry. Shoot, you'll like this. See, you just open this little door here. And it shoots. That gives you those little holes in your laundry. Saves you the trouble of sending them out, you know. There's somebody outside that door. It must be the decorator. Come in. Well, Gypsy Rose Levy. Please, in the business of Ontario declarating, I'm known as Mrs. Franklin B. Rosenblum. Well, I'm glad to see you. The feeling is peri-mutual. My, my, such a joint, such a dump link. Lady, you think you can fix this place up, Gypsy? Let me see. Something smart shouldn't be too hard. Already I'm seeing the handwriting on the wallpaper. In my mind, I'm already forming a picture by appointment. Say, can you fix something up original? For you, maybe something aboriginal. On the floor should be a genuine flying carpet. What do you mean a flying carpet? Because when you see the price, you'll hit the ceiling. Also, everything should be done over in silk. In silk? Okay. Can you do it this afternoon? What, am I looking like a silkworm? Put them trying. First, I'm tearing down the coitons. And the flip covers. I'm a pterodunner, a building hopper. I'm a herring pterodunner. Come on, lady. I want to show you a wonderful shower bath they have here. Needle showers with tattoo needles. Tattoo needles. Yeah, every time you take a shower, it tattoos the date on your back. Well, here's the shower. Now, in this shower bath, you'll find is... is occupied. Now, how that happened? What's going on here? Who are you? What are you doing in my house? And I'll wait a minute. One question at a time, professor, with... I'm renting this house for you. I don't want it rented. I just built it. It's my home. Oh, wait a minute. You called up and said you wanted the placement. I got the address right here somewhere in my pocket. There it is, right here. Let's see. Two, four, six rows married. That's four, six, eight. Yeah. Uh-oh, I'm in the wrong place. Come on, lady. Come on, herky gypsy. Let's get going. We're in the wrong house. Look what you've done to my house. It's wrecked. I've invited my friends out here to see it. They know I built it. What'll they say? The house is a jerk built. It all sets the run out. That's right, Red. Say, you know, you were right before about the high cost of living. Yeah? And my butcher told me that pigs were so scarce, they raised the price of hams. Yeah? Now, that reminds me, why don't you ask for a raise? I sure would. Oh, what's the use? Good night, everybody. I'll see you all next week. Remember, friends, during the week, when you ask for Avalon cigarettes... Don't forget your change. Yes, you'd never guess, but Avalon's cost only $0.10 plus city or state tax. Be with us next Saturday evening at this same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. Del King speaking. Good night. An announcement exclusively for pipe smokers. Men, it's September, pipe smoking season. This year, start in right with Sir Walter Raleigh, the quality pipe tobacco of America, the largest selling pipe tobacco in the Army and Navy, on college campuses. In fact, the largest selling pipe tobacco wherever you find men who know quality smoking. Sir Walter Raleigh is union made from the very finest tobacco that grows, cured to perfection, has a smoother, milder taste and flavor. If you paid $100 a pound, you couldn't get finer quality than Sir Walter Raleigh, yet it costs no more than ordinary tobaccos. So men, smoke the best. Sir Walter Raleigh, the quality pipe tobacco of America. Get a tin tonight. This is the National Broadcasting Company. W-E-A-F, New York, 9 p.m. B-U-L-O-V-A, Boulevard Watchtime.