 Dicutes for my live audience with UFC superstar Padi Ribadi on 7 January in Liverpool are now available on Skiddle. Padi will be doing his first live audience and what a night we have planned. We have a meeting greet and photo opportunity with Padi. You also can get to ask Padi some questions. We've also got special guests appearing. This is going to be a night not to be missed. And what a way to start off the new year. See you all soon. You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be. And don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications bell so you are notified for when my next podcast goes live. Most days I didn't want to be here. Do you know what I mean? Last time I was only a shed about my experience of trying to take my own life. That was one of the first times that, apart from speaking to my sponsor, was the first time that I'd shared that with anyone. My mum and dad didn't know no one. They didn't want anyone to know but it was the time and the place and I felt it was right and I shared it. People possessed because we think at that moment, it's what it's all about, we think at that moment if you're fucking bang on the gear or whatever it is, we think that's normal. We've possessed or something else I believe it takes over that and then once you become clean, once you step out of that very small box, you realise the world's a big place, you realise you're in full control. Of whatever you want to achieve in your life. I ended up crying. I was crying on that video. I wasn't speaking to my mum at that point and I knew my mum was watching them videos so I kind of, you know, beg for forgiveness really in that video to my mum. You know, I wanted to speak to her and I ended up in prison just a couple of days after that. That's how Conan and Baffling this disease is because this disease has took me to a point where I don't want to be here. I'm on the fucking streets. I've got a fucking rap. My kids and my family don't want to see me. But I know I've got to put as much distance between me, them and what they do, you know, if I want the life that I've got now. Take away the drugs I've left with me. Drugs aren't the problem. You are Paul. You know, my mum's a big part of my life, you know, we've always had an on-off relationship, you know, but when she told me at the start I'm recovered that she was proud of us, you know, it's something I hadn't heard of my mum, you know, for a very long time. I was in prison and my mum comes and says she went, I haven't slept the first time I've slept in a long time. You've been in here. I know where you are. She went, every time I had an helicopter or a police siren, I thought it was you. You were dead. No, someone's going to come and knock on my door and say Paul's dead. She went out every night. I think about it a lot. I think about using a lot. I sometimes think that I'm missing something. They were only dead young. They were sat in the city. No couple of years younger than me. No crying. And when I looked, I just knew. I knew instantly that she was dead. Bwynt mae'r ond. A'n tiddas ges yw'r gweithredu, Danny Christy. Yes, James. Big Paul Wennys. How are you, Paul? Good to see you. First and foremost, Lance. First of all, coming back on the show. Done two podcasts weeks before. Talking about your life, everything you've done. Very popular podcasts and over a half a million views between you. Not many of that. This is what it's all about, but for the two is to be here at the Afeintmans table. Not just in a ring, but also outside, because I know you've had your battles, your struggles. But two men who I respect very highly from what you've came from and what you're doing now, man. It's unbelievable. Danny, you've just won your first pro fight. Bear Knuckles, that correct? Yeah. And Paul made world champion kickboxer. He battled with addiction and stuff. You had a weedy lapsel, which we'll touch on, but it's good to have used to on. And I think this, again, will be another powerful discussion. How are you, brother? Mate, I'm brilliant. Listen, first of all, you know, I'm very privileged, proud to be coming back. You know, you don't have, don't see too many people doing part twos and that. So, you know, I'm honoured and I'm brilliant. You know, I've never, never been better. Obviously last time we met it was the start of the journey for me. You know, I think I was 10 days clean or something. A few bumps in the road since then, but I'm doing well. Some good clean time behind us. You know, loving the fellowship, loving the program. I just love my life at the minute. Never better. Lobby, you're so poor. I doing all right, James. Busy. A lot of things going on. But like I said, appreciate you having us on. I appreciate having us back, James. A couple of hiccups, a couple of, you know, things that didn't go quite my way. And, you know, relapsed the way out. I'm back. I've got clean time under my belt and my life goes on, don't it? We live on them. Exactly. I mean, all you can do is flip the chat. It's the same as yourself, but when you probably first come on, there's an unknown name. Obviously you've had to be back in social media presence for the shit that you've done, but now it's a clean living. It's a positive living. You're making changes. You're becoming a better individual. Like a lot of people, they probably sat here watching when you're first come on. You probably think he's never fucking changing. Nearly a year later, you've won a fight at Refinit Wembley. Yeah, but you're still clean. You're bang on it and you're still everything you're doing is hitting you heights. How has it to have stayed on that path? Ultimately rewarding, but not always easy. Changed everything. Changed absolutely everything. People are knock around with places I go. Slowly tried my best to get my mindset over to a positive place, which isn't always easy. But right now as it stands, definitely the best version of myself ever. I'm enduring the longest inter-clean time I've ever had since I was about 11-year-old, so that feels good. Obviously still relatively early in the journey of self-discovery, but a lot of new things, a lot of new feelings. New frequencies we'll call them. Positive and happy. 85-90% of the time, and I'll take them numbers. Because we're human, we're always going. Happiness isn't a 24-7 thing. It's not something that we can all skip around the road and feel life is amazing. We all struggle, we all bat and work. We've all had that life where that's a nice little fucking struggle and everything's going great from the outside, but it's up here. There's a shouting and screaming ever stop. Of course it doesn't, but I do things to try and quieten those noises, quieten those screams. How was it for you when you started to make those changes from running out of prison, fighting all the time? That even you look at your old videos, it was all anger, it was all frustration, but the only person you're really angry with is yourself. What was that moment for you to go right, I need to change here and you're stuck to it? First of all it started, I wanted to get into recovery desperately at the last day of the year, last year. That was, I know I'd had enough, I needed to surrender and I did. But it was ultimately for me that did what I was doing on my last relapse, just over seven months ago. My pal's funeral, you know, a good pal of mine who will be sadly missed. And I went down, all the old faces were there and I went down just for one as he did when I come round five days later. But a deep reflective state really thinking of my funeral, I couldn't get it out of my head made, my funeral. Having my loved ones sat where I was sat, I really hit home. I'm rolling the dice every time I go on it, making the other sort of amounts and what I put myself through. So that was it for me, you know, and that was it. I was in recovery, but up until after that relapse I wasn't taking the action that I'm taking now. You know, attending as many meetings as I can, doing the step work and giving it me everything, which before and I wasn't, you know, something I was very attracted to but still kind of felt I had one foot, you know, got in the other direction. So I give it everything I had and now as it stands I'll go to any lengths to stay clean, you know. And like you said, that voice, that voice is still there to fuck on my voice, you know, because it's my voice, it's actually my tone and pitch. It's me speaking inside me on it, you know, sometimes a voice which I've got no control over. But now and lately I'm just like I. Thanks for that. I'll take it from here. Yr sef poll, I know you relapsed that. How long were you off it before? It was seven years, seven years, cleaning soba. And that was your first? Yeah, yeah, but I've been in fellowship for 15 years, you know, like in and out. But when I finally got it, it was like Danny said, they're wanting to live, you know, not wanting to listen to that voice I made that was telling me that was a piece of shit. Do you know, I like didn't deserve to live and I believed it because most days I didn't want to be here. Do you know what I mean? And last time I was only I shared about my experience of trying to take my own life. And that was one of the first times that apart from speaking to my sponsor was the first time that I'd shared that with with anyone. You know, my mum and dad didn't know no one. I didn't want anyone to know, but it just it was the time and the place and I felt it was right and I did and I shared it. But it's like Danny said there. What's on offer for that for being clean and living clean? The what the program offers is the rewards are worth more than any type of money or any material things. It's just, you know, waking up and wanting to live, waking up and having a choice whether you want to use or you don't. You don't like, I don't want to use you. Do you know what you don't have to do? And that's because of the tools you take from from recovery from nicoxononomous, you know? And it's the only thing that will ever work for addicts because you're either going to use till you die or you're going to do something drastic where you're removed from society or you're dead, you know? And I knew the path that I was going down was life life and jail. I'm going to die. You know, and it was one of the two. But the moment I got into recovery and started to learn what was on offer, what was what you can take from here. And it's free. You know, it was to no brainer. I say to no brainer, but still fucking hard in it. Like you said there, because my disease of addiction and my mental health is disguised in my voice, you know? And it's hard not to listen to your own voice sometimes because you know, we think we're right all the time, don't we? Do you know what I mean? Well, I do anyway. And most of the time it was my way or the other way. So when my voice, when my addiction is speaking to me in my voice, again, I'm like, yeah. But then I slowly learned that, you know, that first idea, that first voice, that first thought it's not a fucking good idea, you know? But then as I got further in recovery and started to surround myself with, you know, things change, don't I Dan? Like you taste the music, you know? And I know it sounds so cliche, but are you in the bed sing? Do you know what I used to have this tree on my front? You know, when I lived in this street, I was in Pym Street and I never, ever noticed it until I got clean. I'd been living in this street for about 10 years. And when I walked out and seen this tree, it was, you know, it was blinking and there was a blossom on it. And I was like, wow, shouting my lassie and look at this tree. And she's like, that's been there for ages. But it was just depreciation of this tree was just, was there. And I felt nice, you know, just because it was normal. Do you know, and I'd never felt normal ever in my life. But that's what recovery gave me, you know, a digital normal living in it, you know? So a big strong man like yourself, kickboxing world champion respected that when you've got demons in your head telling you to kill yourself, that how hard does that pull that from somebody who's alpha male first people who probably look up to you for inspiration and think, nah, nothing would break him. But yet you think you're inside. I don't want to be here. How is that as a man? It's the moralising. It makes me feel weak, makes me feel ashamed. It makes me feel embarrassed and it makes me feel afraid. You know, that's how it made me feel today, doesn't it? You know, because I'm all deep down I was born different. You know that I was, you know, I was always not wired up right. You know, so for me now when it enters me head, you know, I'm able to live with that. I'm able to not feel weak or ashamed of me thinking this way because recovery is giving me the tools to be proud of the way I am. You know, be grateful for being an addict. And that was something that I'd never ever thought I would say because I want to die because I'm an addict here. Now I'll be grateful for it. You know, and now when I notice that, you know, I'm having a bad day or you know, only takes an argument with my Mrs over the pot or something like that to the point where I go, it used to be. I want to use, I want to go out and get fucked up and get seshed. When now it's just like, just go kill yourself. You know, and it goes straight to there because I think well, the drugs are going to kill me. So I skip all that fucking turmoil and all that destruction and just go straight to the point where I think I'm going to die and it's going to be your fault, you bitch. You know, and that never leaves. But I learn to live with that now, do you know what I mean? When I don't have to act on that, you know, I always remember someone saying, oh, you aren't your thinking, you know, I was thinking, because I remember stressing out thinking, fuck, I still feel like chilling people or I still feel like strangling my lasso. You know, I feel like telling the kids to fuck off. And he's like, don't worry about it. I said, yeah, but I'm working hard to be a good lad, to be a good person. He goes, yeah, well, you are. Have you done any of them things? I go, no, he goes, well, you aren't your thinking. Thank God for that. I thought I fucking had a hand as well. And you know why I know I am because I'm still here. I'm still alive because yesterday they wouldn't be there. But today I am, do you know? So having to deal with the way I am and the way my head is, it's easy now. It's easy because I know what I am. No, there's no denial going on. There's no shame. There's no, you know, there's nothing. I know what I am and I'm happy that I know what I am because I can live each day as it comes. No more I am. What about yourself, Danny? Have you ever thought about ending it? It's crossed my mind a few times, you know? Well, just usually in the darkest hours when, you know, usually you end up sitting on my own in some kitchen or some bedroom or some hotel or something, you know? When I was that person who just never went home, you know? Always ended up on my own going from venue to venue, trying to keep the party going. Eventually you end up very lonely down here and very sad and thought about them things. I've never took action with any of them, but definitely crossed my mind a few times, you know? And it's not nice. Usually I end up just crying myself into a stupid, you know? For the life that you're living now, to the life that you used to live, that you look back and think, fuck me, right? Because if we've all got potential, that's for anybody watching or listening, that everybody's got potential, potential to be something, potential to have fucking belief in your life, potential to raise the bar to whatever level you want to live it, like I say, a lot of people who knew you from the past to then seeing you now, they would think, fuck me, I never ever thought that that would happen. What do you think when you look back and think, fuck me, right? Because you've got potential to be anything. That you're clearly proving it. Love, clean life, better father, better person to yourself, better person to whatever this life has offered you, right? How do you think when you look back at all? Proud, you know? I'm proud of myself. I owe a lot of thank yous to a lot of people, you know, especially the program and God of my understanding. You know, I'm in good hands. You know, I'm really in good hands. But what's your video on maybe five weeks ago or something? So I want to put it on, it was an old video on me turning a boot in the flat, ripping my top off and throwing punches into midair and that. I just lost it. I ended up crying. I was crying on that video. I wasn't speaking to my mum at that point, and I knew my mum was watching them videos. So I kind of, you know, beg for forgiveness really in that video to my mum. You know, I wanted to speak to us and I ended up in prison just, you know, a couple of days after that. But looking back at that, first of all, I, you know, I really recognised that person. You know, it was like, almost like it was still there, but not know any of the surface. You know, and I just looked at this lunatic that was pacing about this flat thrown punches in midair and that, and I was just like, wow. You know, because the changes, they come little by little done, they come step by step, you know, an inch at a time if you like. And to look back on that, you know, it was like, it was, it was like wow, you know, but I still felt, I still really identified with that person who was me. You know, I still really identified with, with the pain and the suffering and the negativity that I was going through and all the doubts and the fear and everything really. You know, I identified with it because it's me, isn't it? You know, and it was my, that's my story and that was me, you know, a bit of a bad day at the office. But what do you think triggered that? That day. Oh, it was a concoction of things, you know. Everything? Mainly me, you know, mainly me and my failure to deal with things, you know, appropriately. Anger being the first go to emotion for everything, you know, I could get praised or I could get applauded or I could, someone could say something nice and, you know, I might still find them a way to be angry over that. But, you know, today's very different. I keep saying I'm the best version of myself and I say that every week. Mwnders are big for me, you know. Really like Mwnders. Mwnder morning is where it's at for me. You know, I get up and, you know, I pray. I meditate. You know, and I'm very grateful. You know, I probably spend the first 10 minutes of every morning just saying thank you. You know, thank you. Thank you for everything that I've got. You know, thank you for the person I am. Thank you for being guided, protected, for the strength I've been given, you know, for the clean time and everything else that goes with it. Got some nice shiny material things as well, which have a certain value for here and now. But, you know, I realise you can't take none of this stuff with you. The relationships I've got at the minute, in comparison to how I was then, you know, the planet's a part. It's like night and day, you know. Proper, deep, meaningful, you know, loving relationships. I love and I'm loved, you know. And that's what it's all about for me, you know. How are you dealing with the praise? People saying, well done, a lot of proud of you. I know you met a fan in Edinburgh or somewhere. Yeah. Somebody wanted to meet you. Again, usually if somebody wants to meet you back in the day when you're active, it's for a fucking scrap or to get money that you owe them. How are you dealing with the positive side of things? You know, quite well, it's new. You know, it's definitely new. So, you know, would it be new? I'm trying to, you know, assume I would adapt or find a way to be. You know with that, it's... I'd be lying if I said it wasn't flattering. You know, it is flattering. But, you know, it's not what I set out for. Not that I dislike it in any way because I don't. But I started this documentary journey on YouTube to, you know, portray me generally in recovery and self-discovery and, you know, met some really nice people along the way. And it's, you know, it is nice. It is flattering. But, you know, I don't often know what to do with it. It's nice to get praised, I suppose. But, you know, one, it's not what I set out for. You know, and by saying this, I'm very grateful for it and I would never take it away. But, you know, I don't need pats on the back for what I say and do, you know. But if I can get the messages and comments and inboxes and that that I do get when people say I've inspired them to get in a gym or to get into recovery or to get clean time and that, you know, then messages, you know, really make the whole thing worthwhile. You know, they really do, even though it's not what I set out for. It's like, wow, you know, I'm making a difference here, even if it's on a small level or an individual level or, you know, it's very nice. Powerful, isn't it? You know why? Because these, them old videos, they'll go on about with them. This fucking mad erratic Danny. Well, even I commented, didn't I? You know, I would never met him, but even I didn't like that person. Do you know what I mean? Even I looked at that and thought, wow. You know, we spoke a lot before, but then, I mean, even I was saying to you on that, like, I know what's destined here for you down recovery, social media, because you know why people look at that old Danny and then see him now and think, fuck, this works. You know, and that's what it's all about in it, the attraction rather than promotion. And the only way, because you try and find people on YouTube or on social media talk about an air or air or whatever fellowship or recovery. There's hardly any. There's hardly any. But then when you see this lunatic going, vibrations of the mind, God bless. You know, people are like, whoa, what's he telling me? And he's, you know, people can relate to that. People need to see that. That's why your message will always be powerful because you type your name in. You've got all these video ways of a lunatic and then you've got these video ways sat there going love and light to you at all. You know, people go, whoa, what's the secret here? You know that it's hard to fan him sometimes. People look at him going, nah, but it's, it's, it's, you can't, you can't answer me. It's there in it. Do you know what I mean? That's where the change is. That's where the growth is. That's what, like you say, making changes. It's, it's millimetres you're moving forward. You don't feel as if you realize the change. People come up six months later a year later. You're different. There's something about you. Your eyes are clearer. You've got a different energy. We don't feel the changes until you see the misery that you were in the back, the pain that you were in, the devil, like a different person. It's like people possessed because we think at that moment, it's what it's all about. We think at that moment if you're fucking bang on the gear there, whatever it is, we think that's normal. We're possessed or something else. I believe it takes over that. And then once you become clean, once you step out of that very small box, you realize the world's a big place. You realize you're in full control of whatever you want to achieve in your life. When you relapsed there, Paul, like what was the steps to make that happen? What was it fucking, the catalyst to go? I want to slip back. There's a number of things. See I got complacent around recovery. I got complacent around a lot of stuff in my life where, you know, I start forgetting where I've come from, forgetting how bad things were, you know, ego pride, all that shit comes in, you know, it was just like, you take your eye off the ball for one second on recovery for one day, you have a bad day. You take it off for a week. You're fucking having a bad week. You know, if you're getting any longer than that, you're destined to use, you're destined for the relapse and that's exactly what happened. You know, a couple of things were happening, you know, around social media, around my personal life and stuff like this shit was happening. It was just a way of fucking trying to escape it, but we know my disease will tell me, you'll be all right going, you'll get away with it. You know, just for the day or two, you'll be all right. It just makes everything tenfold. It makes everything worse. You know, that's how common I'm baffling this disease is because it's how it can come. This disease has took me to a point where I don't want to be here. I'm on the fucking streets. I've got, I've got a fucking rap. My kids and my family don't want to see me. Yeah. Then I get in the fellowship and get clean and then 15 years down the line, how the fuck it convinced me that it's a good idea to get a fucking eight ball on a bottle of air. You won't go hard in a hotel room and then go live as well. Wow. You went live on Instagram. Well, I've got a scream out for help. Do you think? Probably feeling sorry for myself. Want a bit of a tension? I don't know. Yeah. Again, look, I am an addict, you know, and when I'm in active addiction, who knows what's going to happen? You know, even I'm like, I remember doing that in a couple of days later. I think I know I'm my fucking God. Like what? So the Paul wouldn't do that. Normal Paul wouldn't do that, but unfortunately Paul, who's off his tits would do it over and over again. I'd imagine. Yeah. You know, but it's one of them things, you know, I'm just grateful that I survived it. You know, I'm grateful that I learned from it. Life goes on. Any relapse of that, the last survivor is just a learning curve. See, that's the thing myself. That always scares me. If I relapse, I don't think I've got the strength to come out again. I'm over four years now. And it was always been a battle the last eight years. Like, I don't think I've got another recovery on me because it's the shame, the guilt, the line to everybody. Like you going on that and doing that for me, I've kept going on it until I was caught. Until somebody says, my mum usually says, there's something that you get angry. And you have fucking nothing. And it's a gambling and it's a weed and it's a valium. And it's everything. Just everything changes. Like, because we get, we keep doing it because we want to hide away the how fucked anybody. It's got addiction. Anybody even just sitting in a gaff once a month for three days, you've got a problem. You're hiding from something. You ain't happy. I put a post out about alcohol. I believe is the biggest drug on the planet. It's more people die from it. But yeah, it's more glorified people saying that I'm allowed two drinks, three drinks. Because it's legal. Yeah. And people saying I only have two beers a night. It's great lesson. You do that for 10 years, 20 years. Unless I'm just saying everybody's got potential. This darkens your vibration. It lowers your vibration for me. There's just more to giving life. The only thing I struggle with now is sugar. It's a fucking killer man. Bastard. Yeah. I struggle with food like. See when you come off that and after like, how long did it take to realise? I know who I was before to get back on it straight away. Because some people end up going spiraling for three years, five years. Some people never get out again. Well for a week, I was again back to square one. So saddle fucking. Didn't want to show me first. Didn't want to attend social media. I didn't want to turn my phone on. Didn't want to lift me out of the city. Do you know what I'm just head away. But you know, if I'm past experience, you know, I know where that leads to. You know, and I've got enough recovery and enough of God in my life to know that. Pick yourself up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with it. You know, and that's exactly what I did. You know, I'm grateful for the fellowship and for what I've got from fellowship and having a higher power, my God of my understanding because you know, that week, all I want to do was go back out. All I wanted to do was die. You know, everything about me was negative, dark. It was ill. You know, it was horrible. But because of my God and because of fellowship and because of the people around me and that, you know what I mean? I was able to go. Do you know what? Like that's not where I want to go. Do you know, there's two paths to you. Which one do you want? You know, and I want that path where I want to live. You know, I want to be in fellowship. I want to be a good what's on offer. You know, a good dad, a good husband, a good brother, a good son, a good friend. You know, and I know that's on offer. So that's the path I want. You know, I'll just pick myself up and go on with it. How was it to see Paul when you've seen him slapping? It wasn't nice, you know. You rang me, didn't you? But I couldn't remember and you told me about it. We were like a good deal. I won't say what was said because it's distasteful, but I couldn't help but fucking laugh like. Not at the time, but looking back. It wasn't nice at all. You know, seeing someone, you know, I love him like a brother and you know, it would come very close. You know, we're always all right, but especially since that last November, you know, it become really tight. We speak three, four times a week or something easier. And just wasn't nice because I remember that card journey down there in November. I reflected on a lot of that stuff in my early recovery and still do to this day. You know, some of the stuff that he said to us seemed like so much of it coming to fruition. You know, always drew inspiration from him. So, you know, you can imagine for me, you know, it wasn't very nice, but you can imagine for other people, you know, that was, it's entertainment for a lot of people watching something like that. People who don't know him. People with no feelings for him. You know, they're just watching something, you know, like watching something unfold. It's like drama, I suppose. You know, it's a, think of a, maybe a certain sort of satisfaction from it in somewhere. But for me, it wasn't very nice at all and you know, I was just happy when he threw the towel in when I went back home, very pleased. How you've been dealing with it kind of attention for the social media. I know all your podcast, I put the title, Britain's Toughest Bouncer. I did say it was clickbait, but again, that title was, that was a title that you were giving. Yeah. Yeah. But how did you deal with the attention that comes with the comments, positive, negative? The first week I took it, I was struggling. You know, I felt I needed to explain and you know, people going, Britain's out of the storm and they're having loads of download filming and I think so what? But I felt the needs to try and explain to everyone or look, this is, and I just thought, what are you doing? You know, I'm again, like after that happened, you know, my Instagram blew up and you know, people were messaging us and similar what Danny was going through and you know, people were stopping me and talking to me and it was overwhelming to say the least, you know, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a feel good thing. You know, I made me feel decent, made me feel good, but it's gratification for no one that I was doing, you know, I did the right thing. You know, because even though 95% of the comments and we're all positive and billion, the 5% was just shit. You know, not the artist, you're a fan of your big chin or whatever, whatever people choose to shot at you, which was all up by the way, which was pissing me right off. But after the week went by I started to realise, you know what? Like you done the right thing, Paul, because you know, if a thousand people hate what you've said but then that one person comes along, goes, listen now, I'm drowning fellowship. I'm going to win it. You know, I loved your podcast. That's job done. That's job done. Yeah, you had more positives and negatives. Oh yeah, hundreds. Yeah, same as yourself, Daniel. Brilliant. You've had waves and waves of negativity, but like that goes to anybody. You have turned it. You've turned that wave. I said to you after the podcast, a wave will come. You'll get attention how you're going to write it and you're fucking with it. You've got your surfboard, man. You've took it to heights like you only you could never dream of, especially three, four years ago, where you were. That's what it's all about. It's all down to the individual. Everybody can get a little push start, a little kick, but it's down to them how they want to fucking go that. It's not easy. Like the positive comments, negative comments, like you can get above your station as well. You need something to ground you because we'll want to be late. I don't give a fuck who you are. Like we'll want to be loved and late. Same as men, like men struggle most today, like how do you see it when men struggle that you've come through it? You've fucking fucked it again. You've come back on it again, like when somebody can see them really struggling because I feel people's pain. I've been there. I've been there. And I still act to that. I'm fine. I still act that everything's okay. Let it's not always working. I'm always on the go to keep busy because up here man is is a fucking minefield. I don't know what day I'm going to get when I wake up. I can do affirmations. I can go over goals. I can look back and be grateful and show gratitude. But up here's just fucking the little ticking time bombs. I hear that kid. You're something to be happy today. Bang something of exploding. And I'm thinking about shit from 10 years ago. Let it's difficult when you see somebody struggling. How do you feel? Do you feel that pain? Yeah. Yeah, but the reason why I do it is because I can relate to that pain. So I put myself back right there. Do you know what I'm saying? When I say to you, I know exactly what you're going through. I fucking mean it. You're like, I know what you're going through. And do you know what as well? I feel like I've developed this radar for spotting it from a mile off. You know, I only need to to let eyes on someone and let them meet someone on the rope in the mouth for five minutes. I'm thinking, he struggles him with addiction or mental health or once with something. He's struggling. You know, nine times out of 10, I'm right. You know, because I'll always mention it. I'll always talk about it. And I'll always, you know, if I feel God's put on me out to go, he's struggling in Paul. And if I have a feeling that he is, I'll pull him aside and I'll mention it. He has been times where he goes, no, no, I'm fine. I mean it. Do you talk about? You know, do you add that as that? But nine times out of 10, I'm using, you know, I get it spot on. Do you know? And it kills me because these people don't know how to live with it. You know, this mental health or addiction. They don't know anything. Do you know what I mean? Like they've just, they're just all numb by the grip of the fingers. You know, just day by day. And I think, bro, there's stuff on offer there that can help you. You know, like as men, they don't want it. Sometimes I don't want to listen or I don't want to eat it because, you know, the convinced themselves. I'm all right me. I'm all right. Like how many men do you say? You all right you? Yeah, I'm sound. You know, but you know the nut, but they'll just go. Yes sound. I don't want to talk about it. No, because that's, it's ingrain. Those not to show emotion, not to show weakness, not to, you know, when truthfully, the strongest words I've ever heard was surrender to win. And the reason why it's stuck with me because I always looked at surrender as a weakness. You know, how can you, how can you give in? So that's what surrender was to me. Giving up, giving in, you know, to win. You're always going to be a loser. But when I started to realise, you know what? It's surrend this. And when you surrender, it means stop being fucking denial. You know, get rid of yourself, pity. Know what you are. You know, all this stuff that comes with that, that saying is fucking bang on. You know, and when I mentioned this to these guys, you know, like listen, you've got to let go. You've got to get rid of that denial. Know what you are. You know, do something different instead of doing the same things and expecting different results. It's just insane. Now get rid of all that. Start looking at, I don't know, meditation, higher power change the way you think. You know, all this stuff works. Yoga, meditation, you know, works, you know, but you know, you're touched on something, you know, like mwndus, your favourite day. I absolutely love your videos where you talk about mwndus, but you know why? Cos I always remember being in a sesh, you know, and it's like, earlier I was mwnding more on you, people knocked the curtains, people were getting ready to go to work and you're like, look at them fucking lunatics. Wouldn't dare. You know, going to work on a mwndu, why you're all sat in a kitchen, melting, you know. And that was my mentality, you know, seeing someone on a Sunday morning out washing his car at 8 o'clock, I think lunatic. He's probably looking at me and he's probably looking at me, thinking lunatic. But how can I look at him? Someone who's going to work on him. One of the stories, then Monday videos, they're fucking brilliant because I'm there now. You know, I'm actually enjoying me mwndus. You know, I'm not sitting there, dreading mwndus, watching people go to work, thinking lunatic. I'm one of them now. You know, I'm getting up, I'm doing stuff. You know, I'm ready to start my week on a mwnda. You know, and it's a good feeling, you know, and to be able to come from sat in that kitchen, looking out, popping out of windows, looking at lunatics going to work with his fucking picnic in his bag ready for lunch. And I'm sat there fucking having that for the week, wasting away. Now I'm a million miles away from that. You know, I'm that lunatic with my little bag going to work and you know, thinking yeah. You know, and it's coordinated. I never ever pictured that life for me. You know, what was normal. You know, when I first went at the fellowship and I go, build a bridge to a normal living, you know, it's slow build, little happen. I think I don't want to be fucking normal. I don't want to be working. I don't want to be, you know, I'm here because I don't want to stop sniffing and smoking crack. That's it. That's it. Then all of a sudden, I'm listening to fucking all different types of music. I'm hearing the bed singing. I'm thinking this is weird. Turn it over to weirdo, but I love it. You know, I'll absolutely love it. I'm finally at a place now of, you know, on a sense I feel normal. You know, after me five or 10 minute morning, my prayer and, you know, connection and all that. I'm off and I'm normal and it's a fucking good feeling. That day was what was on offer for me when they said, you can have a life beyond your wildest dreams. You know, when I first went at the fellowship and they were going, look, this is, you'll have a life beyond your wildest dreams. I thought they're all going to whip round in a minute and give me all the money or something. You know, that's what I was thinking in my head, but that bridge to a normal living was built. You know, and I was getting up, I was going to work. I remember like it was yesterday because I was at Tesco Warehouse on minimum wage, alls in me trainers, but fuck me, I was happy. You know, there was no stress, bills were paid. You know, I was normal. I was living a normal life and it was fucking brilliant. What was your go-to drug? Coke. Coke or crack. It was an evil one of them. You know, if I started on crack, I was sniffing coke and I was smoking crack. If I started on crack, I was sniffing coke. I was both of them. You know, it didn't matter to me. Were you smoking coke now? No, no. I would just sniff the cotton and smoke crack. But it was, for me, the only drug I never took was heroin. And that was only a yet. You ever close to it? Yeah. Yeah, very, very close. A few times. I used to look at people on heroin, I think, look fucking straight to them, made me feel as if I wasn't as bad. Yeah, well that was the same for me, but I had a lot of trauma around heroin because you know, when I was I think it was about 14, 15, you know, my mum's sister, the younger sister, died of heroin overdose, and I found her. It was me who had to go get the kids and it was terrible, it was a terrible time, you know, and my mum worked at a hotel, see my mum's in recovery, she's 27, 28 years of cleaning soba, you know, she's Miss N.A., she's fucking brilliant, she carried a message to me, you know, and it's, you know, it's a family on this, it's a family on this, and anyway, she was, she'd been clean a few years and she was working and I thought she was at work this morning and the phone was ringing. I, when she was at work at a hotel, I used to get my little sister up, get her ready for school and take her to school. This phone was ringing, the house phone was ringing and when I answered it, it was me little cousin, Tony, and he was like, I can't wake mum up, I can't wake mum up, and I was like, where are you? I'm at home. He went, I've talked to my naughty author. So I was like, whoa, what's going on here? And I was wondering, but fuck you, do you know what I mean? So I was like, test my little sister, listen, stay there, I'll be two minutes, you only live around the corner from us. So I'm running around and as I went in, there, I was younger than me. And they were crying. And when I looked, I just knew, I knew instantly that she was dead. You know, she'd overdosed. So when we took out brand, it was a needle. And I've got him dressed and I was, you know, trying to, how I don't, don't, how I was just playing, how I was just, she's asleep. We'll be all right. Get him out the house. And as I walk around back home, and mum was on the step, she was like, what's going on? Where are you? And it, for me to have to go, I think that's dead. You know, fucking horrendous, absolutely horrendous, but it was a lot, a lot, it never left me that stuff. Do you know what I mean? Like seeing my mum crying over and having to get the kids out, having to act normal. I was 14 year old. You know, it was, it was, it was fucking horrendous. But I dealt with it on that day, but it took me a long time to speak about it. Took me a long time to deal with it. You know, I didn't deal with it until I got into fellowship. You know, I just lived with it buried in the back of the, my brain, which would resurface every now and again when I put me in a pillar. You know, and it, it's something that no kid should ever have to deal with. You know, and the trauma that comes with that was fucking horrendous because I love me at the internet. You know, I did love that. You know, I was always sleeping at her house. I was dead close with her. And then to see her that way, you know, to see my mum, it was fucking horrible. But again, every time I'd made the decision to take anyone, which I was very close to, that was in my head, fresh in my head as well. And I knew there would be no turning back for me if I took that. So basically, I had this probably saved your life on many occasions without one moment. Probably. Probably. What about yourself then? How would you go to a drug? Weed all day, every day, sniff on a night and volume to get to sleep. Used to call it the holy trinity for some unknown fucking strange reason. Seem you come off the weed, how hard is that? I've done it for 12 years, man. And out of gambling and all that other shit, the weed was tough because I'd felt as if I was relapsed with that more. Because I was always around, I used to always surround myself with people who smoked all the time. I used to think they still function to try and convince myself that it's okay, but for me it's a mind fuck. For me it's another depressing. You can say what you want about it. It's a herb, it's whatever. But the people I know still smoke in it, their heads are fried. But how did you manage to come off the weed? I know a lot of people now who still struggle to come off it. With great difficulty, you know. I've done 30 days, three, four times this year, you know. And the 30 days for me is the hardest. Because when there's something in my bloodstream, something in my, you know, like in my body, you know, it's how my neurochemistry works. For the next 30 days, it's just screaming, feed me. You know, as long as there's something in my bloodstream, I want more of it. It doesn't matter if it's two days, three days, four days. I don't get any relief until 30 days. And I've noticed that 30 days, it's a fucker. And every time I've relapsed, like it was mentioned before, like you mentioned, every time I've relapsed, it's come back stronger. It's been harder to get back into fellowship, you know. It comes back stronger every time. It's like thrush. Yeah, it's fucking... It just comes back stronger every time and you can't, you know, check it off. But I always knew it was light at the end of the tunnel and we'd have gone 59 days of the first time, you know, when we met, I went 59 days, which was my longest time recovery at that point. And I was getting, you know, sort of glimmers of normality, you know, and like Paul mentioned before, as I said, in the fellowship, you can get a life beyond your wildest dreams. Well, now already, after seven months of clean, I have got a life and I'm living a life beyond my wildest dreams. You know, I never thought it'd be possible to live this way, normality, that word used a lot, you know. Normality is an individual thing, isn't it? You know what's normal for one, isn't normal for another, but you know, I get a sense of that. More so, I get a sense of, you know, I'm the person, a person, me that's always been there. You know what I mean? This person, this person who's rather polite and sometimes, you know, friendly most of the time. And all this stuff that I am and all this stuff that I live by and all these new things that's come into my life, you know. It's been there underneath the whole time, just been shrouded and masked with so much problems, negativity, substance abuse and all the other stuff that goes with that life, you know. And you can't see the wood for the trees, you know. You can't see it at the end of the sun when you live in that life, but now, you know, I feel like I'm very much in that light, I walk in that light, I feel it every day, you know. You know, I'm very grateful, very, very grateful. You know, that word gratitude's overused, you know. And you can say you're grateful for this and grateful for that, but, you know, I literally drop to my knees every morning and thank, you know, God of my understanding for everything that I have. You know what I mean? Not just this material body, this vessel that I inhabit and live in. You know, every other thing that goes with it, absolutely everything I'm grateful for. And I was never grateful for anything. I was just self-centred addict. We couldn't see any further than the end of my nose, you know. Very narrow-minded, very greedy, very obnoxious, ignorant, aggressive, all them things that make up a twat. You know, that's what it was. How's the relationship with your loved ones now that you're on a stable path and seeing the world differently? Never better, never better. You know, my kids come now and they don't want to go home, you know, and I've got fortunate enough to have a few quit kicking about, you know, I can treat them, you know, no ends. You know, it's sometimes a little bit of a double-edged sword, you know, trying to give your kids everything that you didn't have, because, you know, problems come along with that, don't they? And I mean, it is what it is. It's nice to be able to give them the things that I never had. And they are grateful and they definitely recognise the difference in me, you know, and my behaviour and the way I am with them. You know, and that loves, you know, it's mutual. It's, you know, it's, it's unconditional and it's magnified and amplified a lot more since I've got clean, you know, everything's, we've mentioned before about the birds, the trees, you know, when I'm running or even when I'm walking down the river and I can hear the sound of the water, I love it. You know, all them little things that come with it and so many things that, you know, just having your kids smile at you, you know, all them little things and that's what I'm very grateful for today, the little things. When I say everything, I mean everything, you know, being here right now, you know, I'm right in this moment, I'm thinking of nothing else. I'm living in this moment right here right now talking about whatever I'm talking about, you know, and I don't, I am not my past, you know, I'm not defined by my past. I'm me, I'm me right now, you know, that's who I am today. I'm me now and I don't think anyone should be defined by, you know, the past or the things that they've done because, you know, anyone can change by change. I don't mean, you know, morph into a different creature, you know, I just mean probably unveil the person that's been there all along, but you've just failed to recognise it, you know. See, that's the thing. There's a lot of goodness in this world. There is a genuine a lot of goodness, but see when you start doing well for yourself, there also becomes a lot of envy with that. And see when you started making changes, when you were on the podcast the first time, when you were 59 days cleaning, making way, people were saying, oh, you're an inspiration. It's amazing that, see when you relapse, because there's many people waiting in the sidelines, waiting for you to fuck up. That becomes an even added more pressure because when you're on it, you feel as a fuck man, they're going to laugh and that fuels you with a wee bit of rage and it shouldn't, but when you relapsed, how was that feeling for you? After being on such a positive journey? Well, you know, first, first of all, I've, above and beyond anything else, you know, I felt like I let, you know, myself and my loved ones down. All that stuff, that superficial stuff on YouTube and that, yeah, it's nice to be liked, you know. Of course it is, you know, it's human nature, you know, that stuff's nice, but, you know, none of them people know me, you know, and anybody, you know, that knows me and loves me, you know, knows who I am and the path I'm on at the end of the day, you know, how many of those people really, truly care, you know. It's nice to inspire and it's nice to be, you know, loved and liked, but you know, how many of them people are going to be in my funeral? You know, a lot of people, they're going to be waiting for everyone's demise. You know, that's a fact of life and admittedly early on, especially when I was in active addiction, when I was sort of making these mental videos and that, someone would make a negative comment and I'd want to know where they live, you know. I'd be comment and I'd be like, I'll meet you in the morning, you know, that's one comment could do that to me, you know, and it's took time, it hasn't happened overnight, but no, it's tough like that doesn't bother me anymore. I still get negative comments all the time, but when I deal with them, they are what they are, you know. More and more so, I'll look at these negative comments and just think without replying or without saying anything that, you know, it can be very nice for them, you know, to be in that place, the place where I was in, probably, you know, maybe not as bad as the place I was in, but that's exactly what I done. I channeled all the shit that was going on in my life, all the negativity, all the hate, all the everything, regrets, remorse, mountains of pain, misery and regret. I channeled all that out of the people, you know, and it wasn't their fault and maybe they said something I didn't like and I just let them have it with both barrels, you know, so now I look at things like that and that's how I feel, that's how I think, you know. These times don't get it wrong. Sometimes I just feel like slapping someone about, but I don't let that happen because that's just a voice in my head, you know. Like it was with the traffic warden the other day. I, a little bit of an incident, but you know, I ran myself in and it's that voice in it, you know. It's still there, that's me disease, you know. It's, as Paul said before, you know, my disease is very manipulative, it's very cunning, you know, and it's very patient. It'll wait until, like you said before, I'm riding this crest of the wave and everything's so good and then, you know, that's when the voice seems sometimes at its strongest, you know, and kind of probably more power over is than sometimes it does when I'm setting someone's kitchen. It's just, it's a fucker, you know. How many times did you used to get triggered back in the day? I don't know, every, but for using drugs or losing your head? Just losing your shit. I could have happened, I don't know, a couple of dozen times a day. Well, I'd use it from the moment I opened my eyes, you know, that was my first trigger, I opened my eyes on the morning, that was trigger one, where's the tray, there's the volume. Trigger one. You know, and then what, that absolutely anything at all, you know. If somebody wasn't, if someone was driving within the speed limit when I was driving to work, I'd want to get out with a red light and smash them to bits. You know, that's where my head was with it. I had this thing and I've mentioned it to Paul, it's like it's getting easier and easier, but anybody who was speaking to me at any time, you know, hasn't happened for a while, but you could be speaking to me now and for some strange reason and my voice is just going to dead but them. You know, and you're still talking, and now I'm I'm thinking now, right, is it a good head but do you catch him clean, you know, does he get up, does he go down. What if he gets stuck back into you, you know and then I'm all these various scenarios that unfolding while you're still talking and I'm either kicking you round the room or you've got me by the throat or something's happening and it's just, my thoughts just completely run away with us. Hasn't happened for a little while, I'm getting more and more control over it, but that used to happen so much a wedi bod y flynyddoch, ma'r bordd o. Rydyn ni'r un o'r moed wedi gweld. Ond phos be'n gweld. Wrath ma'r wath o'r wlad o. Wrath wna'r blodd bowd, am dwi'n gynnyrch. Rym ni'n... Rydyn ni wedi bod yn fawr o'n meddwl o y dyfodol. Rydyn ni'n ddechrau, bau! Yna witaeth mae'n ddweud yn ddweud! Y ddyfn nhw, mae'n ddiiwg wedi gweld mae'n byw i allu fath, wedi gweld yma. Fy yw meddwl hynny. Felly wedi ymddangos, a dwi'n cael ei dweud. Felly efallai ei dweud o ddannu o'r ardal. Fe oedd y gallu'r cwmaint ar hyn o'r ddechrau, dwi'n cael ei dweud o'r ddannu. Nelly. Yn cael ei dweud. Felly efallai chi'n cwmaint. Felly rydw i, ac mae'n cael ei hwng. Felly efallai chi, mae'n gallu ddwy'n cael ei dweud o'r ffantysig. Felly efallai efallai chi'n cefnol, i ddweud o'r ffantysig. Fy iddo biw'n meddwl y ffasysgweithbeth ar ein bod yn fy moddog. A ffyn nodd dda'r ystodau. Diolch angen i ddweud? Ite ythatb! Mae gwaith yn y gallu gwneud rai am y modgyladdau! Rwy'n ddim yn ychwaneg i chi nid i ddweud i chi wedi ei rhwng i chi ddweud i chi ddweud i chi wedi'u hyd i hynny! Felly dda i chi yn eu roddod Gymryd y gyfnodd! Colwch angen i chi ddweud i chi ar y blyg! Fi ei nid i chi o flyny oedd yn y brith! Was that fire gone if there was even been a wake for three or four or five or six days? Sometimes you lose, you lose the ability to know what was true and what wasn't, do you know what I mean? So I've always done stuff like that and thought, shit was that true. And then I'm ringing on the phone thinking fuck now that was true. Do you know what I mean? So now we're living in the real world and we're doing this fellowship that's making us being able to be around normal people and not address ourselves well and carry ourselves well. Sometimes myETL will be going, what did you just say that there for? Even if someone was just watching, I thought it was me, and they would be going, why wouldn't I be? Are you alright? And that's what was going for me. In the end again, going, of course you're alright before I say that myETL is going, why is he asking you if you're alright. I've fucking known this guy for 10 years. I'm really worried about why he is asking me if I am alright. It's fucking strange. Ychwan channelsat, That's why I was thinking like that. That's the way we're programmes. You talk about anger as well, if you think that you got angry, if you think that you've been angry, because my anger was the go-to emotion to be able to disguise everything else. If I was afraid I got angry. If I was upset, I got angry. Flipping off the lid was a couple of times o was a day for me. Whether it be as a mât key, a friend, wether it be as strange, Gweithio ddim yn yw, mae'r ddwy wedi gwybod dwyddi'r gwerth o Daeth ac mae'r dd�lio ar y ffordd. Felly mae'r ddigon i ddim yn yny oedd oedd. Rwy'n gallu gwneud'n defnyddio eu ddisgrifiad. Felly mae'r ar boring? Felly mae'r arwainio ar y stryd. Felly mae'r ashwm o'u gweithio am yr oedd o'n meddwl 123 o'r ddolyg chi, drwy'r gwneud o'r chweithiau, Mae'r lleadwyr, mae'r ganiglŷl, mae'r ffenni. Maen nhw'n gweld'i John Ffilm i mewn gweld i'n meddwl. Mae'r lleadwyr, mae'r lleadwyr cais i'n meddwl i'r ffenni, a'r lleadwyr i'ch gyfle y teimlo'r mewn'r lleadwyr i'r lleadwyr, wedi bod mewn gweld i'r lleadwyr wneud, ond nid ydw i chi'n rwynt bod Paul maen nhw'n ei wneud, a'r lleadwyr o'i llawer mwyn o fe wneud dych chi'n ymweld i chi. Felly byddwch. Felly byddwch i'r ddechrau'r gwybod fel eu gyfnodd. Felly byddwch i'r ffrif ac yn ychydig i'r phryg. Felly byddwch i'r ffrif, fel cael ei ddweud. Rwy'n meddwl am y dyfodol, mae gym, gwrdd, gwrdd, gwrdd, gwrdd. A'r bwysig a'r bwysig i'r ffrif, roi fwy. Felly byddwch i'r bwysig o'r bwysig o'r bwysig o'r bwysig, a'r bwysig o ydych chi'n bwysig i'r bwysig i'r bwysig, Mae'n rhan symud i gael gwahodd. Mae'n drwg ddod yn amlwgr. Dwi yw i'n meddwl o'r awsiddol. Mae'n rhan sydd oherwydd. Mae'n eu fan i gael gwahodd. Mae'r ddworda, am gŵr i chi. Pryd yn bod yn meddwl. Mae'r unrhad ddwy'r ichi. Mae'r ardyf yn rhywbeth. Mae'n gallu59. Mae'r llun mewn ni i gael. I'r llun yn ystod yn ddwy'r bradau. Mae'r llun yn nodi iawn. Mae'r amlwgr â'r cyffredin? Dyma'r YouTube, mi'n bwysig, felly ti'n gweithio. Felly mae'r ffordd o'r ystod ar y pwysig o'r pwysig o'r podcast. Felly fynd i gael i fynd i gweithio'r pwysig o'r podcast o'r newyddur. Ond ydych chi'n ffordd o'i gwybod yn ymddangos yn gweithio'r YouTube oed. o'r fflaenio mewn gweithio mewn gweithio. Rwy'n ei wneud, eich bod yn gweithio ddefnyddio, oedd y gallwn ni'n meddwl o'r Llywodraeth, ond o'r rhai gwaith yn ymgyrcholoddau o ddifenniad, yw'r pethau yn ddifenniad, byddai'n meddwl ar hyn o'r pwcffes ar y dyma. Ac rwy'n meddwl o'r pethau i ddefnyddio? Rwy'n meddwl o'r pwcffes. Rwy'n meddwl o'r pwcffes? Rwy'n meddwl o'r pwcffes, ... maen nhw i fynd i fynd i fynd. Yes. Mae fydda i fynd i fynd i fynd. Elin yw'r amser sy'n maen nhw, byddwyd. Dwi'n i'n meddwl y rhan, wedi gweld y byddwyd y cyfans ff under Canadian. Mae'r ganddyn nhw, rydyn ni'n enw i gwael iawn, i ddim gweithio'r busynau sydd. A ddim gwybod yn ff어�n i chi, oherwydd i gael eich chws. So rydyn ni'n gweithio i chi gael mewn llawer o'r cyfans. Ond efallai, mae'r gif ar mwy a'r gif ar mwy yma. a yna, byddwn ni allan tiru, a kafio. Ac yna'n mynd i'w ymddangos felwyd y rhan. Nid yw'r gallu cerddoe wahanol. Dwi'n mynd ychydig dlu'r bobl yn ni. Ond ydyna'n glasio'r liddo'r sy'n llunio. Fyddwn ni'n glasio'r glasio. Fydde, maen nhw, mae uch yn ôl, ac dyna gaffio mynd i'n grwch. I'r golygu ar y pŵa hi, ac mae gyd豆ch. Wrth gilydd, mae gyd yn fan. Fyddo'n gallu bod, gerda'r gwyloem. I don't know if it was happiness. It didn't seem like it was sadness. You know, just emotion. And that's, it's nice to be able to feel them things now because that would've definitely been enough for me to probably lose me head in the past. Something like that, a nice gesture or something nice would've been. I could've just done that out on the list. Like I said before, anger would've went to anger. You know, I would've even been angry with myself. I would've been crying or probably some blame him for whatever. You know, really nice to feel them things now. Human aren't we? Mae'r steinio? Cyddiw mewn fy modda. Mae hefyd yn rhywbeth hon i ddiweddod. Felly maes, eu gwelwch yn yr ystod yn mynd, efallai mae'r gwahyddoedd yn yr hunain yma chi'nxxid yn achos medfynol, fe wnaeth chi'n gyflwygu i'r lleol, a nu ein bod nhw'n mynd farn, mae'n mynd bach rwy'n mynd yn yr ystod o'i gynhygg, rwy'n meddwl hynny mewn gwahanol. ond mae'r gweithio am yr ydyw listsio bwysig. Felly byddiau wneud hefyd ei gweld ar hyn. Mae'r defnyddio'r amser. Rwy'n bywch. Rwy'n bywch i ddod yn llwgai. Rwy'n fywch nad oes. Maen nhw mi'n bwysig i'n rhan bwysig sy'n cyfle bwysigol. Arferlwn o'r cyfeidio, maen nhw am yr ydy. Panwn yw'r amser, rwy'n bywch dda, rwy'n fwy fan i dim yn cael ei gondod oedd. yna yda o syml o'r gennych o y trofynnol, sydd yn rhan o'n oed. Yna ydych chi'n cyhoedd. Yna, rwy'r wneud yn ddechrau fel maen nhw. Rydyn ni'n gweld siarad arwyd. Rydyn ni'n gweld siarad. Ryd explanation o'r gweld os o pob dda i gyd. Rydyn ni'n gwybod i chi gyd yn gweld i mi'n gweld ti'r gwbwyr? Roedden ni wedi'u gweld i gyd regoedd rôl, mae'r sefydlo yn ynchyd yn yr ystod i'r Symru. Mae hyn yn arferwyd yn y cerddol y fryd. dwi'n fawr i'ch gydag i'n rhan o'r cymryd, ond oedd'n gwybod yn dda. Mae'r ddweud y cerdd o'r ddweud o'r ddweud, a'r ddweud at yw gwirio ddweud, yw dda'r gwrs y gallai'n ddych yn ddyddol i'r ddweud ac ddweud yn ddweud i'n ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud, ac mae'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud gyda'n flwys wahanol i am wneud. Rwy'n gweld bod yn yr ystod y dywedodd a'r Cyman yw ardeithydd. Fyn yw'r ystod y cyfan hwnnw i wneud. Mynd i ifyniadol, ond o heddiw, bydd gade wedi'i wneud ar gyfer y cyfrannu. A'r gwirio a'r Gwybeddol. Rwy'n gwirio ar gyfer gyd mwy flynedd. Rwy'n ei chael fwy llei. Rwyf, rwy'n ei bod wedi'n ei ffordd gyfoeidl â'r cyfrannu. felly mae'r rhai gyntaf because of how it was and the things that I'd done, yno. Not to just strangers or to people who didn't deserve what I'd done, but just to my kids and my lass, yna mae mam yn dad, I was fucking ruining them, you touched on it now, I was in prison and my mam cwm escwnt me, she went, I haven't slept, the first time I've slept, in a long time you've been in here, I know who you are, she went, everytime I had an helicopter or a police siren, I thought it was you, you were dead, Ond y sgwrn yn sy'n golygu i gynllunio i fynd yn ddeinwyd yn ôl. Mae gynhyrchu peidio hwnna. A'r fighiaid yn chynnol yn fawr o'r ffordd, rydw i'n meddwl wrth gwrs hanfod. Rydw i'n meddwl hynny, yn mynd i'n meddwl hynny, mae'n fflaen i'r amgylch, mae'r hynny'n meddwl hynny a fyddech chi'n meddwl hwnna. Pryddyn ni, mae hynny'n meddwl ymlaen o'r weithio hwnna. Mae'n meddwl hynny aercaf. I can't stop it for three four days and think it's cool. I can't stop fucking backwards. I don't know what it is that's triggered people in the UK, especially is to think it's okay to be sitting in gas, snorting their fucking head and like if you die, that kid is going to go to foster home and it's going to be left. But it's so such important to take full control your life just to better put yourself at the people round you. And the people most vulnerable and its your kids man. It's like I got a new dog and I fucking loved the dog. I probably love the dog more than any fuckingcunt in my family which is a sad thing. G費 soldiers in the EU, I'm never happy with what I see in the mirror hence the reason why I'm fat I'm skinny and muscley. I can't make my man look whether I want to be fit when I want to be massive when I want to be Ond o'r cymdeithas... Dyna Newydd. Ia byddwn wedi gweld Caerdydd yn ddweud. Mae'r llach Eauysgol yn dweud. Gwylio'r sefydlu iddo? Felly mae'r gwneud oeth. Mae'n brafod am ysbryd. So... Leu wnaen nhw'n fath o'r blaen, wedi bod yn ôl gyda'r ysbryd. Mae'n hynny, mae'r bobl yn gwirio'r adegu ar y byddóa chlynydd. Onr, Iím at work since 12 to 12. You know, it happens every time. I think part of the scuffle there is, I think you need to smoke weed nowadays so thatís what it is with them. Theyíre all bang on it. If you can imagine a Fryder like Paid, there are a lot of the other ones. A first I was like you need to keep all of these out my gang. And I reverse recovery and theyíre an ëJ adelante zer,awad a byr or y byeith ti e 1942í. Then I was like ëRight. Fi'n cael y llif. Felly, mae'n rhaid. Mae i'n ni'n meddwl am y hose. Rwy'n ni'n meddwl am yr hyn. Nid yw'r gyffredig i ganddo? Rwy'n ni ganddo i ganddo. Wrth gynnych chi i'n gweithio. Rwy'n ni'n gwybod... Mae'r gwirionedd i'r imbolaeth gweld, yn gweld allu yng Nghymru... phaith yng Nghyml Rhagl. i dweud â'r bwysffol ac eich cyfwilig i gael. Ac eises meddwl ydych chi'n meddyliau, ac mae'n meddwl. Mae'n meddwl yn gyfarchделaeth ac mae'n meddwl yn ei ddefnyddio. Mae'n meddwl yn ei ddefnyddio gyda sut mae'r leysig gyda gwaith neu mae'r oed hynny, byddwn yn y dda'i gwaith felly mae'r cyffwil. Mae'n meddwl i gweithio i'r ysgrifftan. Mae'n meddwl i'r gweithio i'r ysgrifftan neu mae'n meddwl i'r ysgrifftan Rwy'n gafodd dda i'r pwysig a eisiau fy ngwysig. Rwy'n dweud o'r munud o'r tŷ ar un o'r teimlo. Rwy'n gafodd tŷ mae Gwysig. Rwy'n gweithio erioedd mi'n meddwl. Rwy'n meddwl y mae'n teimlo gweithio. Mae'n gwybod yn gyfrifiadau ac mae'n gynnig. Mae'r gwynhau gwybodaeth yn gweithau. Mae'n gweithio beth dyna eich gilydd yr llun o'r mewn... ..y'r llun o'r lleud ond mae'n gwybod. Ac oeddwn ni'n gwych ar hyn yn ystafell o'r gwael arna yn ystafellbeth mewn. Donwch chi'n'n ystafell, roeddwn ni'n ddleidio ar arddangosir i'r ffhras fel yw fel yn ystafell. Rwy'n ardenni. Rwy'n rwy'n rwy'n rwy'n rwy'n rwy'n arddangosir yn ystafell o'r gweithio allan ffarrig, alias ddweud o ddweud o'r gweithio allan deskr a'r ffarrig. Ynw i'w gwneud o'r disbyn iawn i'r dni. Dwi'n teimlo, mae rhaid ddwy'n ddweud. Felly dyweddyn ni'n gyfnod yw'r mhelwayn. Mae'r ystyried maen nhw ydoch chi. Mae'r hyn yn deithasgol. Ond mwy'n ddweud gwelltyn sy'n ddweud, dylliw'r daf yn sgo ar b flu, ac mae'r ddweud gtwdd, ac mae'r ddweud, byddwn i'r groeswydur, a'r groeswydur oom ar gael y 6-7 wuedd Scottish Reun. Ond mae'r ddweud. Mae'n siar dash, mae'n gwneud, a wnaeth y gallwch chi'n gwybod i'r rai. Felly yn ystod rwy'n iawn i'n gweithio eu bod yn eu maes i'n gweithio'r lle. Rydych chi'n gweithio'r pol yn y hyn? Yng Nghymru'r Gweithio? Dyna yn ymwyno. Mae ychwanes i'n gweithio. Mae'n gwybod i'n gweithio'n gwybod a'n gweithio'n gwybod i mi. Rydyn ni'n gwybod i'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gwybod i mi. Mae'n gwybod i'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gwybod i mi. Mae'r grwp iawn y gallwch chi'n cael eu blygar, y bryd a'r blygar. Mae'n llwg i chi'n cael eu gwn arwein i'r rhan o'i'r gwaith, a'n gweithi'n cael eu gwaith. Ond yna, ydych chi'n cael eu cyffredinol eich gwrdd o'i cyffredinol, Felly mae'n gweld i'r gwahio, mae'n gweithio fel y bwysig i'r gwahio. Mae'n gweithio fel y bwysig iawn, mae'n gweithio fel y bwysig iawn, felly rydyn ni'n gweithio fel y gallwn ychydig, Ond o'r llwyddech chi ddweud y gallwn amser oherwydd mae'n eu ddefnyddoedd, yma'r rhai yma'n bobl yn ychydig, sy'n gweithio'n ddwy i'r ddechrau, dyma'n mynd ffordd o'r siwr cysylltu wahanol gyda'i meddwl am y thwyaf o'r digon. Mae'r peth o'r mysiau, myr peth o'r peth o'r ddechrau, mae'n meddwl o'r ddechrau. Mae'n meddwl o'r dweud, a'r ddweud o ddwy fydd yn fwy o arall o ddweudio. Mae'r ddweud o'r ddweudio. I am the same as yous, you know, and it took away that, you know, being alone, being a lonely addict, you know, again, you touched on it down, you know, partying with all your mates, they're all going up six o'clock in the morning, I'm sat there on my own, crying, sniffing against me, you know, using because I can't stop, you know, that is the loneliest place I've ever been in my life, ever, you know, and touch wood and pray to God that I never go back to that place, you know, but who knows, just for a day I won't. Bwyd, you know, when I first walked into them rooms, I knew a lot of the people, some of the old faces, faces that I hadn't seen for years, obviously because they've been in recovery, but, you know, some lads that I really liked, always liked, and I wondered why I hadn't seen them for the last however many years, and the first thing I thought when I seen them was, you know, I wondered how much of these are getting paid to do this. You know, like, he must be on a wedge there to sit there and try and, I thought it was conness, I know him, you know what I mean? I know he's always been up to, I'm like clean, you know what I mean? But, you see, first time for me I thought the people that I knew, I knew when I knew the way and I knew the past in the background, so they didn't really stand out as the other ones that I didn't know, the other ones that I didn't know, you know, I'm not scared to admit, I thought a lot of weirdos, you know, I thought this is just like some cult thing, this, you know, I'm different. No one uses like me, no one's been as, all that stuff like Paul said, you know, you think you are alone in your using and your thoughts and, you know, your actions and your behaviours and all this stuff, but you shall realise, you know, you're not, everyone's born different yet, but we're not unique in our disease. You know, I took a little while, like I've said, bit by bit, little by little, you know, eventually, like I've said, in and out a little bit until Mipal's funeral, you know, me resting peace, something dropped that day, even though I was already in recovery, that, the penny dropped that day, I was like, you know, more action, you know, more action. And, you know, I systematically set about to change everything, you know, to say that I'm in recovery, you change one thing and that's everything. Well, that means exactly what it says, it's everything, you know, it's absolutely everything I wanted to change, I wanted to be a different person and to be a different person, what can you not do? You can't do the things that you've always done, you know, it's as simple as that, so, you know, I systematically set about changing everything, I moved house, I don't no longer associate with the brilliant group of lads that I grew up with, you know, I speak to them, there's two lads I actually speak to, but, you know, they're not addicts, you know, they're rather successful businessmen, I speak to them a lot, a lot of time for them. It doesn't mean I haven't got a lot of time, you know, love and admiration for that, for the crowd, you know, because I loved them like brothers, when I was in active addiction, you know, I loved them like brothers, it was all that camaraderie, you know, all for one, one for all type of stuff, which I lived for, I lived, I stood by it, you know, and all that stuff, but, you know, that day that I mentioned me last relapse, everything, I see, everything seemed to come in at once, you know, and, the biggest thing we ever had in common was getting off our nuts, you know what I mean, that was it, that was the main underlying thing that kept us all together, because it's not that I don't dislike any of them, but I know I've got to put as much distance between me, them and what they do, you know, if I want the life that I've got now. That's a difficult thing as well when you make changes. It's distanced yourself from the people you've spent with for 10, 20, 30 years. Part of them always say this, but when you start making changes, it shines a light on other people's missed opportunities. See when they see people changing, it's not that they're bad, it's just because they can't make the changes, they start getting envious of you making changes, and your friends who you've been close with for so long then become not enemies, but they become haters on you, and part of me thinks we're never fucking friends then, did you see that kind of twist to it when you think I would die for these people, I'd go to prison for these people, but they can't understand that I've changed from the better, not just for myself, my kids, my family. Did you see the kind of twist to making changes and distanced yourself from people who was a big part of your life? Yeah, I mean that funeral, I mean I'd hate to keep going back to it, you know it was a very sad day, but it was a very significant moment for me, sat in a club with all the people I'd distanced myself from in that early stage of recovery, and you know, it's like people offering this, sat in the other, I mean I took it, it's not their fault. But I mean, then people don't want what's best for me, I mean it's as simple as that, and that's somewhere I never really asked myself, you know all the people I surrounded myself all that time, you know, people that I thought were my friends, you know and I'm not saying they weren't at the time, but you know, what I am saying is they didn't want what's best for us, you know, that stands out now crystal clear, they did not want what's best for me. There's two or three people out with that 20 strong crowd that I grew up with that really want the best for me, and they're the people I stay in touch with because I want what's best for them. And it's not that I don't want what's best for the other lot, you know, but I can't help them, that's down to them, that's their mission, that's their life, that's their, you know, prerogative to do whatever they want to do, you know, I'm not here to help the masses, you know, I'm here to get my own life and my own stuff in order, you know, and be the best person I can be for my kids and for me, you know, my close friends and family. I want to be remembered for how I am now, you know, like I've said before, I live in the moment, you know, every morning I'm very grateful, I'm grateful for another day clean, I'm grateful for another day alive, I'm just happy and grateful most of the time, and you know, that's something I've never experienced and that's nice, you know, and if I're something that happens on the way home and I don't make it home, you know, I mean, I want to live, don't get it wrong, but I don't feel your death at all, you know. Somewhat the… strangely doesn't bother us at all, you know, but I want to be remembered for the person I am now, you know, and if I'm fortunate enough to live for a long time, you know, I might make some of them amends that I've been trying to make and I might make further amends and, you know, I maybe just improve some more and, you know, I'll be a person, Mae'r cyffredeg yn dyma dyma, Dwi'n dd Talking about next Christmas, Rydych yn gyfle. Dwi'n dd-hefn bryd, mae'n ddill, Rwy'n ddod oedd am fforddod yn llyfrig o bonesnig o next Christmas. Dwi'n ddalkogol yn cyffredeg, ac rydyn ni wedi'u gydag o'r mor hyn. Dwi'n ddidd i'n gŷn cyffredeg. Ac rydyn ni'n gydag o'r no, Cyn nhw'n ddiddio'r lliall llefzeitur ar gyfer mewn arddurau athlaethogol, Oni'n cyffredeg mewn arbennig 37. mai i hyn o'r anod o'rわh gweithio. Ac maen nhw'n grwp wrth chi i'r ysgol i gael eu fathlwssig o'r peidio. Rwy'n cyfrifio i wneud i mynd i ddwyllian fathlwssig i'w blwyd. Mi'n gweithio'r drwyddiol,annu i wedi ddweud i'r bydd ei gwasana o'r sefydliad. Rwy'n deall i ddechrau ar gyfer y bydd i ddwyllian fathlwssig. Ond rwy'n dechrau i'r brwyng ar gyfer y fathlwssig. Mae'r cysylltu i'n ddeud i ddim yn mynd i gael'u mynd i ddeud i gael'u gael. Mae'n gweithio i'r manau 83kg. Mae'n gweithio i'r gwneud. Dwi'n ddiwydo i chi'n ddeud ar gyfer y Caelio. Mae'n mynd i'w ddweud i'r gwaith i chi'n ddegion. Ffyllai'r angen i'r rhag, Henson i'r lleiaf. Dwi'n ddeg i gaelio ar y Caelio i Wembleu, i Berknocol. Fyddai'r ddigol ymddangos a'i gael eich bydd ar gyfer y caelio? First of all, I couldn't have done it without the programme. I've not got it unanimous. I've no way know how could I have got clean and got the mindset to do something like this. I've done boxing of course and I've had 30-odd fights before I started this, but this opportunity came about and I took it with both hands. I think what happened in November when I first met Paul, I think that stood out and was maybe the reason I was contacted, maybe it was. See if I owe anybody a thank you out there, easy thank you, there you go. That was on six days notice, full of volume. Star dog and parmos. I've always had a bit of a quality dog. I've always had the dog in us, as long as I can make it back to my two feet. I'll always continue fighting and there's that side of it that still really loves to fight. It's not at the forefront of me thinking anymore and it's not me going to emotion. It's not what I want to engage with someone just because they're driving 28 miles an hour in the 30s on. That's that part gone, but I do love to fight and there's nothing like it for me to be in that moment. You never feel more alive right there right then in that moment. It's a feeling that can't be replicated by any substance or anything on earth. It's a feeling all by itself being in a fight. Do you feel free? Yeah, for that moment. I'll live and die in that moment. Everything's gone. I can't see anything, I'm just there. I can't see or feel anything. I don't even feel punches. I know when I've been cracked and I know it's going to be so in the morning, but it's not so then. Like I mentioned on my last podcast, I've been stabbed and been shot in the back with a 2-2. That adrenaline, that's just a marvellous drug. You don't feel anything at the time. That's very much like when it's in there, you don't feel a thing. I feel like I can just take anything and it's a brilliant feeling. I'm not saying I can beat them all, but I'll definitely fight them all. You know? Ain't it mad at how it's all changed in one year though? Not in one year, but everything's small steps to make change, but the year that you've had, that's totally night and day like, seem you're fine at Wembley. What's that feeling before that? Were you proud or were you thinking I don't deserve this? Were you thinking, you know what, this is my time? What's come through your mind? It's funny, you know, because all the camps I've had before that, which were very relatively small apart from the amateur days, I was only probably a quarter level of my fitness, what I could have been the whole time I was training on licence, fighting on licence because I was in and out of kitchens all the time. I maybe do two, three sessions that week and you know, call myself fit. You just kind of fighting rough, tough lads off the street that have never boxed and I just used to use my boxing and I won't turn out of 11 and be on licence, not fit. And then there was that event last November, which, you know, went how it went. But, you know, I've never ever competed in fighting at the best version of myself. You know, and I'm doing that now. I'm not only mentally stronger than I've ever been, but I'm physically stronger than I've ever been. I'm punching, I feel like I punch a hole in that wall. You know, I just feel so strong at the minute. And you know, only time will tell how far I can go over the next three or four fights. But that particular week, fight week at Wembley was strange because all the work had been put in and we'd got down there for the way in the day before. Zero nerves, which for me was scary. I didn't like it. We watched the first couple of fights, me and my coach Wayne. And then I said, blame something wrong here. I said, what? I said, I'm not nervous at all. I mean, I could have went to sleep. That's how karma was. I could have went to sleep. I'm like, this isn't right. You know, because you need your nerves, you need that nervous energy, the fight fear, the doubts, all that stuff's massively important, you know, when you fight preparation, especially pre-fight on the day. None of it was there. And I was worried that I wasn't going to be strong enough, wasn't going to be dangerous enough because you feed off all that emotion, you know. And he didn't like it either. You know, it's not normal really. But when I was getting my hands taped up, they were taking my hands up in the dressing room and it was just like that stabbing feeling in the guts. You know, like you've been caught and you're going to get jailed or you know, like that feeling, that gut feeling when you've been caught and you're doing something really wrong. That was it. It landed. And I was like, oh, it's here. Them nerves, that nervous energy and all the fear, the doubts, everything, butterflies, you name it, little tremble, slight tremble in my hands, needing a piss. You know, couldn't keep off the toilet. All that stuff was there and I was like, thank God it's there. It came. It landed. And the fight was a bit of a blur, to be honest. But I remember looking back at the app, the BKFC app on the bus on the way home. And I was like, yeah, that was all right. That was decent, you know. One of the best moments in your life? Yeah. Yeah, probably. It's coming from the way you've been to then a bit of a knuckle fight, mate. That's fucking scary. First of all, proud of you, mate. And you've stuck to it, mate. And you've done well. I believe this is only the beginning. But by yourself, Paul, that seeing you became world champion, were you dabbling, were you taking gear then? No, no, no. Or were you on a straight path? Like I said, without fellowship, I wouldn't have been able to do it, you know. When I got out of prison, when I was like Danny, I had a bit of a boxing background and unlicensed boxing and, you know, a couple of rough tumbled men of the fights and fields and shit like that, you know. But when I got out of prison, I'd illustrated in the fellowship. I just got straight into it. And it gave me the ability to be able to, you know, set my heights, set my goals quite high. Obviously, I was just a bit of a boxer, but when I walked into MMA gym, which wasn't there when I went to prison, but when I got out of prison, it was there. I was on my doorstep, you know, and I went in and I knew a lot of guys in there. You know, they offered, like, you can train. You can train. You don't need no money. At the time, mate, I was going to the full bank. I was doing everything in my power not to go back to that old lifestyle of earning and fucking earning from crying and all that shit. I just didn't want to do it. The times were fucking hard, you know, but it was offered to me to just go, look, you can train here. You know, keep off, out of trouble, come as much as you want. You know, and when I started training, I fucking loved it. You know, again, I've competed, you know, not at my first, you know, not at my best, you know, smoking crack. You know, I wouldn't have Britons had a storm on me. I'm off a three-day bender. You know, I've been on fucking MCAT and crack cocaine for three days. I hadn't been asleep, you know, and I stepped in that ring to fight where Smith it was. It was fucking very tasty, very tough, man. You know, so I'm totally relate to what Danny's saying there, not competing to the best of my ability where all of a sudden I'm clean and fucking train in three, four, five hours of fucking day and I'm loving it, drug-free. Oh, the possibilities rends from me. You know, and when I turned pro, one kickboxing, I thought every weekend, every weekend I wasn't asked about money, I wasn't asked about anything. You know, I was fortunate enough to be in a decent money and get landed decent sponsors, but I just fucking loved it. Again, there's no feeling that matches it. I've never took any drug that matches any feeling of walking out on the way to the ring or cage because your nerves go then. You know, it's been in a change, talking about on the way, I believe every man needs to experience it, whether he likes it or not, he needs to experience it at least once in his life. Train, step in the ring or cage, have it out, shake hands at the end, see what you think of it. Because he is only a small population, this earth, that men. You know, there's a small population of fighters where men can actually train and compete the way we have, the way Danny does. You know, not many men can do it. Even the hardest men on the streets because the feeling you have waiting in the changing rooms, waiting to fight can cripple you. They almost did me when I first feel, I'm not going to lie. It seemed to be every time I was fighting, there was always a fire exit door in the changing rooms and they'd done my heading because he was just sitting there thinking, shall I build, shall I just call and a fucking every ounce of me wanted to, but I never did. I remember, I think it was my ninth fight and I was fighting Calewards on the last podcast, there was no fire exit door. You know, and I always remember like, that's no door, yeah. It was good because I don't fucking need it. And that was the first time where I had full control of my nerves, full control of my fear, full control of every single emotion that crippled me on the fights before. You know, I only got through it because I was super fit. Again, I was living and breathing it. And I still had, all the way up to this fight, I still had nerves walking to the ring, I still had nerves in the ring, the only went when the bell went, but this fight and the rest of my fights after that, the nerves went as soon as I walked out, as soon as I heard the music, I was good to go. I was ready and I knew what I was capable of because of recovery, because of God and not only that, because I was 100% involved in this fight game, there wasn't just 50-50. 50% three, four days a week, I'm training, you're the 50, I'm off me fucking tits. You know, there was none of that. You know, when I used to box, I used to have a slinky, you know the old slinkies, like a book, like a bag box, I used to have one of them, me bag me, I used to have about five or six of them before a fight, you know, I sat in the changing room, stings a weed in the air, that's not me. You know, I just sit there just smoking weed and eating fucking, I think what they were called, Opal fruits, they're called starbursts now, aren't they? That's how long ago it was, a bag of Opal fruits. I was eating them towards the year, like when I got into it properly, like what everything Danny's just said is, you know, I felt like I arrived, you know, I felt like this was what I was meant to do all my life. It was, you know, again, it was just something that, it was up there with having my kids. Now watching my kids being born was the best thing ever in my life, walking into a ring and not just fighting, but winning as well, you know, it's up there with having my kids, I felt the only time I never had ever suffered with no self-worth was when I was fighting. You know, when I was walking into the ring or cage and when I was training, I never suffered with it. I never had it, I never had no anxiety, I never had low, low self-worth. I knew what I was capable of, I knew what I could do, providing I'd put the effort in, providing I was fit. You know, it was in my hands all the time, you know, and I truly believed, you know, and it sounds big-headed, but I truly believed if any man was in front of me in that ring or cage, he could be better than me all he wants. I know it's only a matter of time before I put him to bed. And that's what I believed. You could have put King Kong in front of me, but I put him to sleep. And that was just, that's how confident I was, that's how good, that's how driven I was, you know. I didn't fear nothing, I wasn't worried about anything. I just felt, this is my path and this is what I was always meant to do. It was just a shame, I was 25 when I found it, you know. I say that because I was a football me, James, I was a banger at football, I was a good football player. Now I know what I know about fighting, I would never kick the ball ever, never. I've just done combat sports, it's all I've ever done. How did you deal with the adrenaline dumps? I've had comedians on fighters, everybody's brand new, I've boxed my phone, comedians sell it, gigs and Newcastle and stuff, so I say it over and it comes home. How did you deal with the kind of adrenaline dump after you'd won a fight? I'd be just back on it. I never give myself a chance to feel any dump or anything like that. I would literally fight. Come on, meet a cheesecake, blood pizzas, back on it next year. What about you, Danny, did you struggle after that one? Yeah, mate, I did indeed. I spoke to my lass about it. I, big time, took a day and a half. Next day I was alright, still buzzing, still watching it back, thinking, good shot, buzzing with myself. Then woke up the day after that, I didn't know what it was. I know now what it was, I quickly found out what it was. After a few hours, I'd just come to the realisation of what it was. All that stuff. It's your neurochemistry, isn't it? It's very much, I can relate to it, like a calm down. All your feel-good hormones, serotonin, all that stuff, adrenaline, all that stuff that makes you feel good naturally. Everything that holds all that stuff, it's all shot at the bolt because you've had such a big feeling of it all. Like I said, there's no bulls like you. The best highs are the natural highs and that for me is the best high that I can ever get naturally being engaged in a fight, not only that, but then winning a fight in spectacular fashion at Wembley. It was a brilliant feeling, to say the least. The next couple of days was not very nice. It took a couple of days for my body to level itself out, for my body to build back up them levels of whatever it is that's been missing, whatever it is that's been shot into your bloodstream and spent. I didn't want to be alone either in them couple of days. I was with my lass, obviously I was with my kids, but something really missing. It was like a law, a real law. Obviously what goes up must come down, but your chemistry can be cruel that way when you've got no reason whatsoever to be feeling this way, but your body is making you feel that way anywhere because it has to to level out. You can't have a high like that. You can't have a feeling like that, which as I've said cannot be mimicked or replicated or replaced with anything and expect not to pay for that. So that's for me how you pay physically and obviously just reflecting your mentality because your whole thinking and that's all around your hormones isn't it? When all these feel good hormones aren't there, how do you feel? Shit, really bad. So now, and I wasn't expecting it, that was the thing. I wasn't expecting it coming and it was hard to deal with. I wondered why. Then the next day I felt a little better and within three or four days I was back to normal but all there was a dip and it was a big one. Where do you go from here Danny boy? Just the fight game. Yeah, and life in general, fighting everything. Onwards and upwards, staying clean. Is there a world champion? If they can get us that fight before next Christmas before I hang it up and call it a day, I'm not going to be in this game and turn into somebody's punch bag. I wouldn't do it to my kids, but I wouldn't do it to myself. But I think I'll beat any 13 stone man that's out there. So if anyone's watching, if you're the best about 13 stone he's a bell, we'll make the fight happen next year. Have Gumshield World Travel? Yeah, I'll fight them all. I'm not looking past me opponent on Saturday but I think of him, what I think about them all. I'll knock him out. Onwards and upwards, get me anybody. Absolutely anybody. I want the best lads. I want to be wrapped in by next Christmas. I don't want to be fighting mediocre anybody. So anybody who fancies it at 82-83kg or if you're the man, I'll get in touch and we'll make it happen next year because I want the best available opponent. I'll punch them all into the middle next week. What are your plans for the future? Not really sure mate. I've got a lot of plans in my head but just waiting for a few of them to come to light. I was wanting to follow the steps of Danny and compete again in the BKFC, the bare knuckle. I've spoke to him and I'd love to compete. I'd love to compete again but I'm having some major issues with me at the moment. I don't know where I'm at with that. The movie stuff, I'm hoping that opens a few doors. I've just finished the movie role of Lee Duffy. Danny was in it as well. So I've just played that part and I'm hoping that opens a few doors. I'd love to learn a few parts and acting and whatnot. Listen to anything that's possible for me. A K1, a K1 kickboxing. I've been offered to cut my fight in K1 kickboxing which I would love to do. After this Christmas I'm hoping to get all clear for me and maybe compete again whether it be K1, whether it be bare knuckle, whether it be boxing. I'm much quite sure but I want to give it another run before I'm 40. See that self-doubt, I know you said you were confident at the highest when you were fighting but as a self-doubt come in, you're getting older. What if you've not got it? What if you get it right? There's a confidence still there with it. The only time I've ever felt confident and not suffered with low self-worth is when I'm training for a fight or I'm in a ring of cage or I'm sparring. It's the only time I've never suffered with it. All of a sudden I stopped fighting four years ago. I started getting rid of anxiety. I started worrying about the way I look. You know what he thinks of me. It was a hard thing to deal with because when I first got anxiety I thought, wow, what's the fuck's going on here? And then my head got the better of me because I was like, you're meant to be a fucking fighter. You don't worry about that. And I couldn't help it. Again, my over-thinking, my obsessive thinking. You know Danny touched on it there the moment he stopped fighting and all of a sudden he's crashing. I suppose most fighters suffer with that but as an addict it's tenfold because we're obsessed. We're obsessed with that feeling. They're feeling fucking great. Your obsession wants to hold onto that for as long until you die. But it's afraid that it's out to say that you can't. So as an addict and an obsessive thinking we start to worry about letting it go or to worry about everything. Obsessing again that my anxiety comes from things that I don't have or things that probably aren't going to happen but I also worry about it and it gives me anxiety. When I was fighting and involved in training and fighting and competing it wasn't there. It wasn't there because it was fellowship, God, fighting and that was all I had. Now all of a sudden I stop all that. I start struggling with recovery, I start struggling with my relationship with God. Then anxiety sets in, low self-worth sets in and that's the story in my life now. I got into recovery so I didn't use drugs. That was the old point of me going and getting into recovery because I didn't want to use. Or at least I wanted to use like a normal person. Unfortunately that never worked out either. Take away my love of fighting. I struggled, I struggled. I always will, I always do. I'm not fighting as a weapon for the fucking 10, 15 years but they'll tell you they're going to box again. They'll tell you, I'll fight again. If I admit you're going to fight you're going to feel it 14 years ago but they'll still tell you I'll fight again. I should think it's a healthy way of thinking as a fighter but having the harsh realisation you know what you're not going to fight again. It's probably a fucking hard thing to deal with isn't it? Especially when they tell you. The only thing I've ever been good at in this world is fighting. It's the only thing I've ever been good at. I was never good at school, I was never good at fucking anything but fighting I was fucking natural. I was good at it. I didn't need a train to fight me. I just was fighting and I was fucking good at it. When I trained and gave it 100% I was even better. Now time with the thought of are you going to fight? It's a fucking hard to realise probably you might not fight ever again here. I think no, I fucking will I will and then once I've made the decision I'm going to fight again. There's only a few mumbo go out saying I'm going to fucking fight, I'm fighting. Next thing you know I can't even grab a knife and fork. Do you know what I mean? I'm thinking what's going on here. Do you worry about that Danny that you're getting that natural buzz you're getting a lot of attention you're making a bit of money to then basically fucking stop where you could end up? A little bit but you know I'm just as I've said very grateful enough to have the athletic ability that I've got to compete for another year. Years a long time, if I can get three in if I can get four in next year then I will but you know listen this race is going to be well and truly rearranged by next Christmas but I can handle that. I've got the last that I want, vanity's kind of gone. I'm not really bothered but it's my hands and my health and my head. I do take a lot of punches, I've got a lot of holes in my game and I get that macho thing sometimes where I just think I can eat people's punches in there and it's not ideal for longevity in anything really, never mind the sport but more so in life you know I want to concentrate fully on my life you know just making constant improvements this continuation of spiritual enrichment clean time the program's a big part of my life I've got a lot of things in mind that I want to do I want to give back, I want to be a coach I want to be attached to an amateur club I want to be a coach I want what to think about my coaches when I was an amateur these people who spend 3-4 times a week in a gym not getting paid they're lucky if they get the diesel covered driving kids all over the country to compete I loved them and I loved them people some of them are still doing it now they're giving back they're giving something to kids that's what I'd like to do that's what I'm going to do for that matter but to do that I need all my faculties about us and I need to be not punch drunk so I don't plan on sticking around long enough when I'm going to be anybody's divi I feel dangerous I think I'll beat them all next Christmas we're going to wrap it in no matter what happens I'm done that's conversation today a very powerful conversation this conversation today is going to change lives it's going to help people both you should be proud of how far you've come what you've achieved this is only the beginning to what you're going to achieve in the future in the darkness that's struggling I think there's no way out what advice would you have for them reach out, talk about it don't sit alone with it I've done that, I've sat alone with it I've not spoke about it when people have asked me if I'm alright I've just said yeah I've nodded to the damn sound and truly I haven't and where that's led me to I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy that definitely wouldn't I'd struggle with today but trust me my life is a whole lot better my life's good I'd still suffer with certain stuff mental health and low self-worth but let me tell you something it will not win me on a daily basis I beat mental health and addiction every single day I beat it and it's not hard I tell you what is hard living with it on your own not reaching out, not talking about it if you're out there struggling with it if you've got a message anyone, you know how to talk about it Nycox Anonymous is a 12 step programme that will set you free from active addiction you'll never be recovered but you can live in recovery what advice would you have for them brother that was brilliant that Paul made well done yeah you know from my experience Nycox Anonymous works it's tried and tested isn't it I often try not to think about but I can't help sometimes think about what could I have achieved if I had this mindset X amount of years ago and I've got to check myself because that time that person didn't exist for anyone watching it does exist you can make the changes now don't wait, you don't need to wait it's been said in this podcast a few times nobody's promised tomorrow nobody's promised tomorrow so why wait you know if you've got loved ones that you need to make amends to if you've got anything in your life that you really want to do things that you might be putting off it could be talking to people, it could be talking about your feelings it could be making up with loved ones it could be doing pursuing anything a certain career could be getting clean whatever it is do it now why wait do it now why go to sleep tonight and not do it start making plans today make plans today you know because you know you want a life you want to improve your life you want all the things that this beautiful experience called life this world this universe can offer do it now nobody will give you it get out there and get it yourself what's your social medias and stuff guys what's your socials, YouTube and stuff YouTube's PaulVenusK1 Instagram PaulVenus22 TikTok PaulVenus22 I'm not dancing or anything like that I'm just talking about mental health and addiction and stuff Danny Boyd Yes mate, YouTube the real Danny Christie Instagram just a quick shout out to a few people if that's all I care Of course mate, do what you've got to do shout out to my kids Archie, Sophie, Lily Georgie and DJ big shout out to my coach Wayne we've got us in tip-top shape Aggie Faulkner, Gary Fox, Danny Wall and me management group BloodSport management we know a thank you to every one of them Pleasure last lesson, absolutely phenomenal Thank you James PaulVenus22 This is going to change a lot of life's man If anybody that's in the struggle, getting contact with myself Paul or Danny, both being in the struggle both get out it, but listen proud of you man, I wish you the best for the future, thank you Cheers bro