 Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. When there's beer on your mind, your best thought is Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. We love the hall that surrounds us here. Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. The inimitable Dr. Johnson once observed that there must be a time in which every man trifles. And the only choice that nature offers us is to trifle in company or alone. Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, president of Ivy, has made his choice. He prefers to share his trifling as well as all other things with his wife, the former Victoria Cromwell of the London stage. Now, Josiah Todd Hunter, Dr. Hall's maternal grandfather, was no trifle in his time and neither is the moving of his portrait. Wait a minute, Toddy. Grandpa's shoulder's sagging. Get up his left side a little, see? I don't have this wire in the way. No, no, don't try and talk as far as the nail. Here's the hammer. Go ahead, I'll hold the ladder. Now watch out, darling. Grandpa's on the floor again. Just like grandfather, always resisting change. He was a reactionary of the most virulent type. Although, interdating the automobile, he saw life almost exclusively through a rear-view mirror. I wondered why he looked so grim. Oh, would you smile if you'd been dropped on your ear? Yeah, but he's always looking that way, Toddy. Not because he was always falling on his ear. Ever since that time, near the Chickahomaniens, 1862, in our war between the states. And now, if you'll hand me my grandfather, Vicki, I'll try to hang him again. Well, there he is. There. That's solid. Well, Vicki, what do you think of him there? I'm not sure. Darling, tell me, what did Chickah have to do with harmony? Well, my grandfather, regarding us so malignantly from the wall, was in the fighting along the Chickahomani River during the Civil War. Well, which war was gramped in, the Civil War or the war between the states? Vicki, a trifle more regard for the history of your country by marriage would reveal the fact that they are, or were, one and the same war. Oh, well, why didn't you call it the same thing? Well, gathered in certain circles, just why, I do not know, that the phrase war between the states is a more courteous term. If so, I am willing to use it, even though it is a euphemism. And I dislike most euphemisms. This is a very educational few minutes, Doctor. Are you an expert on euphemia? I don't know. I've never been there. Where? Euphemia. I've never heard of it. I don't know how you get so confused the way you do. I thought we were talking about euphemism. Well, we were. Are you an expert? No, no, no, no, no, Vicki, no, not again. Anyway, a euphemism is a ladylike term applied to a man-sized fact. It's a sort of literary antimicasa. Oh, very good. Excellent. Well, very good. Although, although grandfather doesn't seem to like it. He doesn't seem to like anything, the old sourpuss. I'm not sure I like it myself. You know, this side of the room has suddenly become top-heavy. It's not the picture, darling. I think it's the sofa. It belongs under the window. Then under the window it goes. Just think, Vicki. Grandfather, who resisted all change, has now become responsible for it. That's the trouble with most of us. We resign ourselves to the familiar. Go through every discomfort to keep things as they are. When a little enterprise and imagination could give us a new perspective, widen the horizon of our living. All because of your grandfather. But it took a bit of doing, but we found some good in him, didn't we? Well, now let's get going. Now, you push, and I'll steer. All right. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Now, that, a little bit more. That's it. No way, no, tolly, wait, wait. The carpet's all bunched up. Well, that's easily fixed. Now, when I lift the sofa, you smooth out the rug under this end. You ready? Ready. All right, up you go. Got it? Is it smooth? Well, the rug's all right, but you're a bit hard to smooth. You're standing on it. Oh, oh, yeah. Is this better? Well, it is squinch a little. All right, I'm squinched. That's better. Is that better? Now, you hold it steady. I will. Oh, my. Well, what's the matter? What a pity. Look at that hole. Just look at it. It's a burn, I guess. A Victoria. I've been trying so hard to make that rug last. You'd never suspect that behind a sofa. A Victoria. Right where that place was. Well, it wasn't even worthwhile for me to give up my pipe. A Victoria. What is it, Toddy? All my life, I've tried to hold up my own end, but there comes a time to let go. No hole in the carpet anymore. It's in the floor now. I think the sofa will stay where it is, Victoria. Well, I don't know, Toddy, there's still something wrong. Well, while you decide what it is, I'd better answer the door. Yeah, it must be the cleaner, darling. He promised to bring back my pink coat and skirt this morning. Yes, well, don't try and move anything else while I'm gone. You know, I'm going to winch over here. And then the coffee table has to go there. Even if I put that chair there, there's no plug for the lamp. So no, that's... Oh, just hang them up in the hall closet, Toddy. Will you please? Yeah, both of us. That sounds like an uncomfortable way to spend the morning. Mr. Merryweather, good morning. And Mr. Wellman. Mrs. Hall? You'll never guess what I thought you were, Mr. Wellman. What? A pink skirt. Clarence, you've been called some pretty colorful things in your time. Blue nose, a red menace, a green-eyed monster, and a black pirate, but a pink skirt. Sorry to disappoint you, Mrs. Hall. Sit down. Sit down, gentlemen. Well, hate to barge in on you like this on Saturday morning, folks, for two reasons. I don't like to be a nuisance and I'd rather be playing golf. But, Doctor, I wanted to talk to you before the board meeting this afternoon. It's about the beautification program. I thought the board had already approved the plan. Well, one thing we left out. Nobody's ever settled the question of Emerson Hall. Now, I feel... Just a minute, Merryweather. What? I said just a minute. Why? Because I want to say something. Heaven forbid. As you know, I have stood back of the beautification program. I have stood behind it from the beginning. Four square. Four square? You? Yes, me. You are one square who has stood up against everything. This is no time for jokes, Merryweather. Who's joking? There are some forces who want to carry this program to the extreme. When they propose to destroy Emerson Hall with its weathered boards and ancient walls, they threaten to destroy the hallowed heritage of Ivy itself. Who wrote that speech for you, Clarence? History wrote it. History, Merryweather. Generations of Ivy graduates who have passed through the portals of this vulnerable... I mean, venerable building. The years they have seen... Oh, shut up, Clarence. Save it for the board. Any time you start shedding tears, it's a sure thing somebody's water rates go up. If there was ever such a thing as a sincere crocodile, you're it. This is a very serious situation. It is ridiculous that I should constantly be interrupted. I do not propose to permit this type of... Mr. Wellman... What is it? Do I understand that you are actually fighting for the existence of Emerson Hall on the basis of such an abstract value as its tradition? What's the matter with tradition, Dr. Hall? Just what may I ask? Oh, nothing. I'm in favor of it. Well, everybody knows how I feel. I'm all for tradition, per se, but not to the extent of breaking my neck in it. I think we need a brand new building. Needless waste of money. But that's beside the point. Quite beside the point. We have embarked on beautifying the campus, and you suggest that we destroy one of its greatest beauties. Not to mention the needless waste of money, sheer waste. That's what it is. Have you taken a good look at Emerson Lately, Clarence, or couldn't you see it through your tears of reverence for our classical tradition? Yes, I've seen it, Mary Weather, and I expect to keep on looking at it for a great many years to come. Well, gentlemen... I... I realize we all have to come to a decision. The one thing we agreed on with regard to our beautification program was that it must be comprehensive. It doesn't do to change things, piecemeal. I learnt that this morning by changing a picture from one wall to another. Let's fight it to a finish this afternoon. That's good with me. Now, come on, Clarence. Let's go. Very well. Good day, Dr. Hall. Mrs. Hall. Goodbye, Doctor. And Mrs. Hall, next time, I promise to call only for purely personal reasons. You'll find me on the steps, damp violets in my hand, and a look of shy adoration on my Mary Weather beaten face. You don't need any reason, Mr. Mary Weather. We're always enjoying seeing you with or without violets. Hey, goodbye. Goodbye, gentlemen. See you at two o'clock. Toddie, I've been thinking about this room now that we've moved the sofa. I know we really started something, didn't we? But to quote myself, it doesn't do to change things, piecemeal. Now, that must be the key. Now, I'll go. How do you do? I am from the phone company. Oh, yes. Well, come in. It's the man from the phone company, Toddie. Oh, is he here to put one in or take one out? I understood you wanted a longer extension cord, Doctor Hall. Well, he doesn't really want one, but he's getting awfully tired of lying on his stomach in his study trying to reach the telephone. Yeah. I can just barely touch it with the tips of my fingers, aggravating. Yeah. I imagine it is. I wouldn't advise a longer extension, though. You wouldn't? No, ma'am. Personally, I'm against long extension cords. They look awful. You trip on them. They strangle babies and dogs. You never can find the phone. You can say that again. Personally, I'm against long extension cords. They look awful. Mr. Park. Park. Just call me Central. Yeah. Mr. Park. What would you suggest in place of the cord? Well, move the phone box. It's much simpler and less expensive and you don't run any risks that way. Let me take a look at that cord. Yes, here it is. You just start at the phone and follow it along and when you get to the wall, stop. Thank you, ma'am. Well, how does it look? Well, let's see here now. The dial, the dial dials too fast. That's an easy fix, but I don't like the looks of that old cord. I know. I've tried everything, but it just keeps on snarling. I'm not worried about the snarls. Have you got a minute? Have you got a minute? I'd like to show you something. You too, Dr. Hall. Now, take a look right here. You see that insulation? Where the wire goes into the box. A couple of more jerks on that and crash, bam, boom, fuse. How is that again? Well, you're just real fortunate I got here in time, Mrs. Hall. Fuse, short circuit, clang, clang, clang. Fire. We have been living dangerously, haven't we? I suppose that wouldn't happen if we had a new and longer extension cord. It'll happen with any kind of cord. And the longer it is, the more there is to trip over. I've never been in favor of long extension cord. You said that, Central. I mean, Mr. Park, but... but I need a phone in my study. Why not install it in the simplest possible way? Well, just give the man the order, doctor, and sys-boom-ba. The job's done. Where's the study? Doremi in there. Now, let's see. I don't know if this will work or not. Oh, fine. Nothing like a specialist. I guess maybe I'll have to install another outlet. Do you have to have that desk there, Dr. Hall? Well, I'm used to it there. I don't want to ruin your life, but I'd like to keep it. Okay. But it ain't good. Isn't. That's your ride. It's your aim. You got some pliers? Well, we have a pair in the kitchen. They need a little dental work on the teeth, though. Look, did you just come out with suggestions, young man, or did you bring a tool kit as well? I got some here, I guess I could use. Now, I won't bother you folks any more. I'll be through here in a jiffy. One, two, three. We'll be in the living room if you need us, Mr. Park. Four, five, six. He seems to be serious enough about his business. I hope he knows what he's doing. What he sounds as if he does. Sounds. That's the most accurate description, Vicki. I've never heard stranger sounds than he uses to... Whammo! Whammo! You see what I mean? I see what you mean. That outburst probably means that he has discovered that my study is bounded by four walls. Which reminds me of Mr. Wellman and I cannot think why. But I can. He said it. Weathered boards, ancient walls, hallowed heritage. He's dreadfully miscast in that role. Doesn't sound tall right coming from him. One man's cliche can be another man's conviction. I'm rather sensitive about Emerson Hall myself, Vicki. It's practically the first thing I remember about Ivy. Dr. Palmer, he was president then. Looking down on all us, huddled an over-awed freshman, gathered together in Emerson to hear his greetings, that first staggering week of college. Did you stagger as a freshman, darling? I just wobbled as a freshman. I staggered as a sophomore. I fell flat on my face as a junior and crawled gloriously through my senior year. Well, at least I hope you're standing up straight at graduation. Yes, with the staunch support of the proscenium arch of Emerson Hall. So you see, darling, life as an undergraduate began and ended for me in Emerson. Naturally, any judgment I might have about its survival or destruction will be highly colored by grateful memories. Dr. Hall, excuse me, but have you got a minute? Uh-oh. Something I want to show you. Something else? Well, it's not trouble, is it, Mr. Park? Well, it's never trouble with a telephone company, Mrs. Hall. That's nice to know. That's news, too. Just look here. Look at that. Ain't she a-bued? She? I don't know, Mr. Park. Where is she? Right there. Look at that box. Look at those screws. Oh, Rusty, aren't they? Well, of course, they've been there a long time. Well, what's that spot on the wall? That's her, Doc. Ain't she a-bued? That's where the box was. Well, put it back. The spot looks awful. No, that's too dangerous. I am sure happy for you that I came out today. Look, now, let's all be happy with you, Mr. Park. What is that spot on the wall? Feel the wall, Mrs. Hall. Feel it. You got see-pitch. I have? See-pitch? Well, have the plumber in at once. Wait a minute, Dr. Hall. No, no, don't tell us this is any more. Well, actually, I can't be sure. Look, I'm sure of what for heaven's sake. Well, after all, I'm a telephone man. I don't have all this information in my fingertips. I'm just observing, that's all. Mr. Park. Yes, sir? Would you mind telling us what you're talking about? I'd be pleased to. The truth is, Dr. Hall, you got a big fat case of dry rye. When there's beer on your mind... Your best thought is Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. Naturally, it takes skill and prime ingredients to brew a really first-rate beer. But there's something else. It takes patience as well. There's no shortcut to the kind of flavor you get in Schlitz beer. And that flavor is due, in part, to the slow, painstaking process of mellowing. Now, every brewer has his own way of doing this, and the Schlitz way calls for triple mellowing. Yes, for the taste you remember with pleasure, Schlitz beer is mellowed three times. Mellowed by aging the barley till it's just right for molting. Mellowed by aging the malt till it's just right for brewing. Mellowed by aging the beer till it's just right for you. This time-taking process gives Schlitz a taste no other beer can match. In fact, that taste has brought so much pure pleasure to so many people, it has made Schlitz the largest selling beer in America. As we return to Ivy, Dr. and Mrs. Hall are waiting for the young man from the telephone company who's been exploring the nether regions of their house. He's been down in the basement an awfully long time, Toddy. Could something have happened to him? I was just wondering if something could have happened to us. Why should we accept him as an authority of dry rot? He's from the telephone company. That is, we...Vicky, how do we know he's from the telephone company? Well, if you really do be us, I'll call the phone company and check on him. Dismantled? Dismantled. Remarkable young man, I'll get it. Oh, no, he's not. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Thank you. Goodbye. Who was it? Wrong number. Excuse me, I heard the phone ring. Was it for me? Yes. No, I don't think it was. It was a wrong number. Oh, see, Dr. Hall, have you got a minute? No. It's later than you think, Mr. Park. What is it now? Oh, it's nothing, nothing at all. At least there's nothing to get worried about. Guess what I found down in the basement? You didn't... You didn't come across my old fishing rod, did you? No. Guess again. I know. My scrapbooks, they've been lost for years. No. You want to try again? No, Mr. Park, I don't. I obviously do not get the refrigerator nor the vacuum cleaner, and I am certainly not going to try for six packages of your product, whatever it is. Okay. Come on down and I'll show you. Now, there's one thing you can be happy about. At this point, Mr. Park, when you say that I feel myself getting pale and starting to shake like a leaf. You've got a well-built house here, good solid beams, fine bracing and plenty of studs, all in the right places. Except when I try to hang a picture. It looks wonderful down here. It reminds me of an old English house. Everything's secure and substantial. I should think it's a pretty good foundation. Sure. That's why it makes me boil when I see things like this plumbing ears. It's a disgrace. Three-quarter inch pipe. Well, that's why we had that trouble with the kitchen sink. Well, you're going to have more trouble, Mrs. Hall. Mr. Park. Yes, sir. Did you ever hear of a man called Frankenstein? Who? Can't say as I have. Does Dracula ring a bell in your subconscious? No, sir. I've only had freshman courses. You could pass a master's degree in bloodletting. Now, what is the matter with our kitchen sink? Oh, well, it may go along all right for a while. But one day you're going to wake up. You'll be eating breakfast in a rowboat. Well, you sound even happier about that than you did about the dry rot. Well, it isn't so bad. You certainly weren't planning to live in this house very long, were you, Dr. Hall? I was thinking of it, yes. But, of course, eating breakfast in a rowboat could change my thinking. Well, if you're going to stay here, I'd have the wiring checked over. You're sure lucky I came out. Mr. Park, would it be out of line if I asked you what you brought us down here to see? Certainly not. What I found out here today. Oh, brother, what I've saved you. I got here just in time. Gee, you're lucky. The lucky halls. Here we go again. I was hoping I wouldn't find any. But with these old houses, you almost always do. Oh, it isn't. It is it. Yes, Mrs. Hall, your dry rot has turned out to be termites. We still have the most important item on the agenda. Mr. Chairman. I haven't mentioned what it is yet, Mr. Merriwether. You all know what it is, Clarence. It's Amerson Hall. I want to say that I personally have nothing against Amerson. Except that you want to tear it down. As it stands now, it's a hazard to life and limb. I'm only concerned with the safety of the students. I am concerned with the tradition of Iping. You're concerned with the money, Clarence, and you know it. Merriwether, sit down, and furthermore. Mr. Chairman. Yes, Dr. Hall. I agree with you, Mr. Wellman, that Amerson Hall represents a cherished tradition. And I agree with you, Mr. Merriwether, that it constitutes a danger to its occupants. By an unhappy coincidence, I found out today that another building on the campus of Ivy, also of traditional value, is in a perilous condition too. I would like to make a motion that we consider what is to be done with this edifice along with Amerson Hall. What building are you talking about, Dr. Hall? The house I live in. What? I paid an exorbitant price only a year ago for painting and redecorating that house. Yes, and Amerson Hall has been painted any number of times in recent years. But only the outside, Mr. Wellman. The danger lies deep inside. I understand, for instance, that Amerson's got termites. You're dead right, Dr. Hall. You can hear him buzzing all the way out to my house. Well, my house has termites too. Now, isn't it a fact that Amerson's plumbing needs repair? It certainly does. So does mine. But Amerson Hall, just like the house that is assigned to me as president, has a good foundation and a sturdy frame. With age, oh, they've both developed a few aches and pains, but they can be fixed. There are generations of hopes and dreams of study and achievement that have been absorbed in them. There are things associated with Amerson Hall and the president's house that cannot be rebuilt. The question is, are they worth saving? Gentlemen, I think they are. I'm here in the living room. Hello, darling. What? Why, Vicki, look at this room. What happened? Oh, it all got so complicated, I put everything back where it was in the first place. All except grandfather, he looks the same anywhere. Did Park ever get around to fixing the phone? He fixed it. How? 12 more feet of extension cord. It's all over the house. We can skip with it any time you have a free moment and a feeling of abandon. You should, as the saying goes, live so long. The cleaner! I was afraid he wouldn't get here today after all. I'll get it, Toddy. All right. Now, where did he put the phone? It's not, you know... Oh, here you are. William, Mr. Park would like to see you. Excuse me, Dr. Hall, but have you got a minute? Mr. Park, I may be leading with my chin. I may be inviting certain disaster. I know I'm asking for it, but yes, I have a minute. Well, the reason I came back is I was really trying to make an impression on you. You did, Mr. Park. You see, once I had big ideas about being a construction engineer. I started college, but then there was a war and I never got back again. I've always wanted to. But did you... did you expect that I might help you get a fresh start? That was the idea. I've learned as much as I can with my present job and I know I need a foundation as much as a house does. I thought maybe you'd use your influence... Everybody talks about starting from the bottom of the ladder, but I've never heard of anybody before trying to get into college through the basement. Well, it at least deserves encouragement. Besides, Ivy is indebted to you indirectly. It's worth a try. Call me Monday morning and I'll put you in touch with Professor Cummings, head of our engineering school. No, no, no. On second thoughts, I might as well call him now. Excuse me. I'd be willing to take any kind of examination or... You passed a pretty stiff one right here in this house today. That's funny. That's really funny. No, no, don't tell me where I am. It wouldn't be... Shh! Absolutely no sound at all. Nothing but deep, inscrutable silence. Mr. Park, have you got a minute? You're right. You need fresh interest. You've spent enough time with the telephone company. The phone is out of order. When there's beer on your mind, your best thought is Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. Ladies and gentlemen, in our studio audience tonight is the Joseph Schlitz American Legion Post Rifle Team, which yesterday won first place in the national competition. Our sponsor congratulates the team and salutes all the Legionnaires on the occasion of their national convention here in Los Angeles. Now, here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everyone. Good night. We'll be singing next week at the same time at the halls of Iowa starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players were Herbert Butterfield, Gail Gordon and Robert Easton. The night script was written by Milton Barbara Merlin and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The halls of Iowa was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolfe, and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking. He's lovable. He's the great gilder sleeve next on NBC.