 Hello there lovers and friends, I'm gonna start this off happy because this is a heavy topic, but it shouldn't be heavy. It should be conversational. It should be a normal conversation for all of us as sexual harassment, sexual assault and consent are topics that we all have to deal with. We all have some relationship with and we are all charged to figure it out and I don't have all the answers. I'm constantly figuring it out for myself and that is why I'm doing this video while it is a story time and it is directed at something that happened to me this weekend that was not okay. It's not a drag either. It is a call to action. Let's educate. Let's conversate moment. So if you are the person who I'm talking about in this video, I am not attacking you in any shape or form. I'm trying to start a conversation with you and give you the opportunity that you didn't give someone else a chance to learn without it being a massive repercussion for you. So I go to VidCon pretty much for the past four years. I've been every single year. I love VidCon. My best friends go, people that I've collabed like I had to see them again. There's some like creators that I really, really admire like Anna Akana. I actually got to sit on a stage with her last year, which is like a really big deal for me. And so I love VidCon. It's a really great time. And what I also love about VidCon, it's an opportunity to connect face to face with you all, the people who watch the videos of people who show up, people who say, let's be a part of the same conversation, the same community. That is my jam. That's my shit. And that's why I always volunteer to do the creator chat. And the creator chat is when you sit in a room and 15 other people who are not featured creators, who are just attendees of the conference, get to come in there and ask you a bunch of really invasive questions about your business structure, how you grow your channel, where you invest your money, your team, all of those questions. So I walk into my creator chat. Again, there's like 10 people in the room and immediately I recognize somebody like we all have great facial recognition, but the name thing is tough for us. Unless of course we created like a rhyme association with that person's name or associated a picture with their name. So whenever someone says I'm not good at names that annoys me because like nobody is like, you have to commit it to memory and try to position it with something that you already know in order to memorize it better. Anyhow, so I recognize this girl and I was like, I feel like I've like something and she was like, yes, like shampoo remember last year, we got to talk. I walked you through the hallways as you were going to your next panel. And I'm like, Oh, like kind of vaguely remembering, but not really quite that much because one, I meet a lot of people in my life and two, you meet a fuck ton of people at VidCon. I'm like, Oh, okay, cool. So anyhow, after the creator chat ended, she walks up to me and she was like, I have something to share with you. I was like, Oh, like bet, like what's up? And she said, last year, what happened to you was not okay. First of all, I'm like, what my indigestion like what like my eye problems at Christmas, what happened to me last year that wasn't okay. And so I was like, trying to like go through the catalog of my video to see what she could be possibly talking about. And then she was like at VidCon when you were sexually harassed. I mean, I don't remember your name, but I feel like I would remember that. And I was like, I wasn't sexually harassed last year at VidCon. And she said, yes, you were. When we were walking through the checkpoint and at that security checkpoint, the security guard was really, really forward with you was really flirty with you. And then after you walked away, he was asking questions like, Oh, how famous is that girl? Like, what's her social media? So I said, I'm a really flirty person. That's how I like to interact and engage with people. It's it's a part of how I like to live my life. That was not harassment to me. As a matter of fact, I probably walked up to a security guard smiling and maybe he smiled back and said, Hey, you look great. And I might have said like, Okay, Mr. Muscle Man and kept it going. Like, that's a normal exchange for me that that is not any kind of violation on my part. And how dare you make an assumption of what is harassment to me? But to add insult to injury, she reported this person and then said to me, I had a call with VidCon about it to make sure that this never happened again. No, there's no such thing, sweetie, as secondhand sexual harassment. You do not get to make an assessment on someone else's body, someone else's boundaries to tell them when and when they have not experienced something that is in violation of their personal space that if that would have been harassment to you, absolutely, you have every right to begin a conversation. But even then, even then, what is so wrong with lightly correcting someone on the spot and giving faith that that's okay? You know what I mean? Like, why do we have to take it to the end degree that this individual probably had to lose their job? That VidCon had to be maybe not even hired. And I actually did find out that VidCon did not hire the same security company as last year. I am not sure if those two things are related. I highly doubt it. But I'm just saying on the slim possibility that this person's interpretation of an exchange could have resulted in a lot of families having a very different year this year. And I think the danger of what's happening in the Me Too era and the conversation around harassment is we are trying to brand a one size fits all label. And I understand why we would do that because clarity is king. If we can say without a reasonable doubt, hey, if you put a knife in someone that's stabbing, right? Like, that's we all are very clear about that. But you know, if you pretend to stab somebody, it's not stabbing. This is a terrible analogy. But what I'm trying to say is when we can all universally agree on something, it's easier to educate people. But the beautiful and unfortunate part about consent, it's not one size fits all. It is nuanced and it is about the exchange that two individuals have. And I'm saying this as somebody who has crossed the line with other people and I have had the benefit of someone pulling me aside and saying, I don't think you realize that what you're doing might be making others uncomfortable. So from now on, you should probably just ask or just be a little bit more careful. And if this individual really felt the security guard went too far, one, she should have phrased it like, man, like, isn't Shambhudi really cool? Yeah, she's really cool. She's nice. You know what I mean? Like, she's really friendly. And like, that's kind of her charm. But just so you know, some other people may not be cool with you giving them compliments because your security and it's kind of a blurry line there just to be aware of that. What is so wrong with those tiny corrections that give someone the benefit of the doubt to do better next time? And again, I say this as somebody who at VidCon had an incredible educational experience with a fellow sex education YouTuber who pulled me aside to say, ease up on the sexy photos. When people come and ask me for a picture, because I talk about sex and relationships, there's a part in my brain that goes off. It's like, let's keep this on brand. And I'm like, oh, and at the end of the day, that's what I thought people would want from me. And she said, look, I didn't have anyone report this to me, but just through observation, some people did not seem comfortable with that. She's like, I'm not sure, but I also didn't hear you ask anybody if you could take that kind of photo with them. So she's like, I'm not just just be aware that that may not be something that when someone says, can I take a picture with you that they're consenting or signing up for? Now, my first reaction as many of us are when we get put in our place is to be like, what do you know? People think I'm so cool. They want this. And then I thought, you're probably right. What is so wrong? And if I stay in the exact same tone, right? Like, do you mind if I touch the middle of your back? Do you mind if I snuggle my nose against your face? Do you mind if I lift your leg? Like, what is so wrong about taking two extra seconds to do that with somebody? Because at the end of the day, this picture ain't about me. I didn't ask to take the photo. I don't have any intent for this picture. So I want it to be a photo that you like, that you're proud of, that you're like, yeah, that's exactly what I was looking for. So why not take those extra couple seconds to ask? And what if, what if that individual, instead of putting, pulling me aside and correcting me, just reported me and I no longer got invited back to VidCon and no longer had an opportunity to really like go back and try again and be better. And I never learned because nobody educated or expressed that to me. So all I'm trying to say is that while we're all trying to figure this space out together, can we please be compassionate and gracious? Can we please give people the benefit of the doubt? Can we please make this a conversation versus a condemnation? Can we please not report on someone else's behalf? Can we please take the extra two seconds to talk to someone person to person rather than constantly looking at the at the world through an abuser and a victim mentality? That to me, I think would just be a lot healthier for everybody. I try in my relationships with men in particular to exercise a lot of compassion and understanding because things are changing really quickly. But with great change means that some people aren't being kept up to speed. They aren't on top of the trends. And for those individuals, let's like, let's scoop them along, right? Like let's like embrace them lightly and let them know that like times are changing. You probably want to keep up just an FYI. Here's where we're at right now. Here's where we're trying to aim for. And if someone does that for you and I think approaches you with that compassion, the way that it was done for me, number one, I think going forward, you appreciate that so much more, you appreciate the way that that dialogue went. And so you give others that exact same thing. And number two, you start thinking about it a lot. I know for me, I constantly think about consent. It's not something that comes up for me, you know, once every six months, every single day I'm asking myself, was that person okay? And my general rule of thumb for consent, which I want to share to all of you is, is what makes me feel good making this other person feel bad. So is what makes me feel good? I love hugging someone when I see them, making them feel uncomfortable is what makes me feel good. Like complimenting someone like, Hey, sexy, making that person feel weird. And if so, maybe I replace Hey, sexy with Hey, beautiful or Hey, your outfit's great. And maybe I replace hugging them with a high five because I fucking live for a high five. I always ask myself that question. And when I cross a line with somebody, I hope that they educate me because when someone slightly crosses a line with me, I absolutely educate them and I do it with a smile and I do it with grace and with understanding. Now this is not a commentary on the fact that people who completely overshoot the line. I'm talking about if this is your boundary and they are just a couple steps outside of it, that's when it can be a polite reproach. Now somebody is aggressive and completely disrespectful and doing again like where it's undeniably a harassing situation or assaulting situation, maybe then the same grace and tenderness is not applicable. But for a lot of the daily exchanges that we have, I think this might be an incredible solution. Actually, one of the most favorite parts of mine in my new book, we actually had a stripper teach the women. So my book is about how I taught six women to be confident, badass, sexy, like desirable individuals to walk out in this world, expecting to be chosen, expecting to have the power to choose, expecting to have great dates because they have the skill set and they put the work in. And as a matter of fact, a lot of what this book is, it's being able to walk out into the world and connect with people at will. It's having that energy around you where people are drawn to and want to be a part of it. And the responsibility of that as well too is getting to let people know when they've crossed a line. In the book, we actually worked with a self-defense instructor who taught people what to do and everyone should do that. I think the reason why I'm so comfortable being flirty with people is because one, I'm really good at communicating when someone's crossed a line. And number two, if push comes to shove, I know how to protect myself. And I can go out into the world and confidently make those fluid connections that are a little bit suggestive. And it has benefited my life in many ways as opposed to making my life a source of danger or turning me into a victim. Anyhow, but in this book, we spoke to a stripper and she was supposed to come in and teach the women how to like just insinuate a little bit of sexuality, a little bit of sexiness in their interactions with someone they found attractive with a playmate as we call them. And she said that in her line of work, she leads everything with consent. Before she walks over to a client, she says, hey daddy, how are you doing? Do you mind if I join you? Before she sits down. Before she even like puts her body on his, do you mind if I touch you there? The first thing she always does is say, your shirt looks really soft. Can I touch it to see how it feels? And then she slowly makes these little advancements asking every step of the way, keeping it just as sexy and just as fun. And she says the return that she gets is they always ask her. She creates a culture of consent. She leads with that. And in return, that respect is mirrored backwards. Now there are people, of course, who don't know how to mirror, who just don't have social etiquette and those individuals shouldn't have the privilege of being in a strip club. And that's why they have security guards who will make that adjustment very quickly. But I loved that language and that conversation that she had and how enjoy that she was in talking about consent because consent absolutely can be sexy. It absolutely can be a part of your game and it shouldn't deter you from going out there and being friendly with other people. That's all. This was kind of a rant. I don't know if it wrapped up nicely in the end, but I just want to say to the VidCon representatives, I was not sexually harassed. I did not find anything inappropriate about any of my exchanges with any of your staff. I have been hit on by plenty of your staff, but I probably flirted with plenty of your staff as well too. And so it's good that what I'm doing is working. And it's great that when I say like, you know, this was enough for me. Thank you so much. Or like actually, you know, I'm not looking to exchange information right now, but you can follow me on Instagram. I'm happy that those lines are respected. Okay. Let's bring this full circle into a tangible conversation in the comment section below. I like to know two things. What do you do when someone takes a little step too far with you, when they take the banter or the casual flirting or the even you walking by a step too far? How do you educate that person on the flip side? Have you ever had someone put you in your place and let you know that there's a lot of lessons on consent that you also have to learn and apply to your own life? All right. I'm looking forward to this. And again, I'm spreading nothing but love with this conversation. This is not a drag. This is a call to action for conversation.