 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Johnathan Assey of johnathanassey.com. I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic, why men can't open up emotionally until you do this, you gotta do this. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Also, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. And if a few F-bombs aren't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Also, these are my perceptions and my opinions by no means do I suggest that this is the truth. And what I mean to say is you have to decide the truth for you. So if my content resonates with you, great. If it doesn't, that's okay too. You've just got to decide what works for you. All right, let's talk about men opening up emotionally. And this is probably one of the predominant things I hear from women consistently, how they're in relationships with men who don't open up emotionally. And let's face it, how do we really bond with another person if we don't open up on our emotional side? Now, while many people can have conventional relationships in many cases, I mean, throughout history, relationships have been predominantly a one up, one down type of relationship. The man is the provider protector, the woman is the homemaker and that sort of thing. Men have always been stoic, women have had to suck it up. We've certainly changed in the last 50 or 60 years predominantly because women are no longer are dependent upon men for their survival. So we have now shifted to more of an opportunity where we can be more of an egalitarian type relationship instead of those traditional one up, one down type relationships. And what I mean to say is throughout history, women quite frankly weren't treated very well. Women were treated much like property in many cases, certainly versus today, although many of you probably feel like you're treated that way, especially these days in the dating realm where men come on strong to get sex and to discard you once they've had sex. So it's not property, they're almost treating it like prostitution. Oh my God, what a controversial thing you just said, Jonathan. Well, this just happens to be the perspective and the narrative that it seems to be from what I'm witnessing today. So why is it that men can't open up emotionally? There's a fantastic short video. I'm gonna post it here. For those who are listening to the live stream in the chat box, I'm gonna post this. Certainly if you're listening to the recording on my podcast, you'll have to write this down. And if you're coming back and watching this later, click on this link. But the video I'd like you to watch is called The Mask We Live In, The Mask We Live In. I'm just gonna share it right now is the link right here, The Mask We Live In. And why I'd like to invite everybody to check this out, to check this out because it's a great illustration of what young boys go through when we are being raised, especially for those of you who are mothers of sons, you definitely may wanna watch this because most boys are raised, taught to their emotions, stuff their feelings, be a man, don't show your emotions. Masculinity is based on violence, bros before hoes. It's not cool to show emotion. This is what most boys have been raised in. And while the video is predominantly, it feels like it's a lot of inner city children, I can tell you, I grew up middle class and I felt the exact same way. If you're part of the Baby Boom generation or even in the Gen X generation, I can tell you most boys were taught to stuff our emotions. We were taught to, actually, in fact, we were taught to use violence as a way to express ourselves. Football, hockey, very violent sports. In fact, if you didn't play any of those sports, you were ridiculed by many of the boys that did play those sports. So this is what we had to contend with. Now, I also wanna say women or little girls had to contend with something different. In fact, most little girls have had to contend with the objectification of girls. In fact, I think there's a Netflix movie or movie called Cuties that's all an illustration of this little girl's pageants and that sort of thing. So men, we were taught to stuff our emotions and our feelings, and girls were predominantly paraded around based on their looks. And so what do you think this does to children? What do you think this does to children as they grow into adults? The reality is, is most men oftentimes adopt a more avoidant personality and avoid it, even love attachment style which makes it very difficult to actually connect with them. And sadly, because of the narrative on the girl's side, it's all based on looks. So I'm just here to draw attention to what has happened in our past and what happens when men and women reach midlife which there seems to be right around age 35, 40, 45 or 50 where there's an unraveling of our childhood armor that we've been adopted with. There's this unraveling. And in the case of boys, we are like deer in the headlights because all of a sudden our testosterone levels drop and actually our estrogen levels increase and we become more and more, not in touch with our emotions but we start feeling our emotions in a way that we were never taught to when we were growing up. Girls were certainly more allowed to be more expressive when they were younger but at the same time, girls were also to some degree repressed in their emotions because the reality is, is if we were, you know, it's funny by the way, this is a picture of my mother and father behind me, but my mother couldn't handle my ADD my mother couldn't handle it. So when we did play dates, I was stuck in a play pan while everybody else was running around and how I know this is I watched an old eight millimeter film of a family gathering and I was in jail because she didn't even know how to parent a child that was rather chaotic with their emotions. And basically I was told to, you know, behave and you know, by my father, I said be a man by my mother it was by the way, both my parents gave corporal punishment and that's another thing for us baby boomers and even Gen Xers is that we received corporal punishment. So I said this earlier, what happens to us in adults? It makes it very difficult to actually open up and lean into our feelings. And as I said before, when we reach this midlife all of a sudden for us men, our emotions are chaotic and that's why we can be so unpredictable in the dating realm because we are confused about our emotions. We don't know how we actually feel and it makes it confusing because we don't even know what to say to you. And this is one of the reasons why men ghost why they disappear, why they pull back and such. So I want you to watch this video it's called The Mask We Live In. Can someone write that in the chat box and I'll also post this in the comment section as well. I really want to invite everyone to watch this so you can get an understanding of what boys go through and especially for those of your parents to boys even if you have adult boys in your life you might have a different appreciation. And as I said before, we men should be watching the videos about young girls and the objectification so we can have a more compassionate way of looking at the genders instead of the expectation way we look at genders. I'm gonna repeat that the expectation way of looking at genders. This is why the book The Rules is very expectation egoic way of looking at relationships and it's not a heart centered way of looking at relationships like the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated. So you might be wondering, well, Jonathan how do we switch this? How do we get a man to open up? Ladies, it starts by leading by example. I can tell you, I didn't become the man I am today if it wasn't for a woman who helped me tap into my emotions. In fact, I'm very grateful I dated an amazing woman who was a therapist and she really helped me during our relationship to really become more expressive with my emotions, to be more demonstrative with my emotions, to be a little bit more effusive with my emotions. And she started by what I always recommend to you in every video and that's starting by leading by example. Leading by example, I got something on my face. So starts by leading by example. In other words, you share how you are feeling about something in your life and then you invite the man to also as express his feelings in whatever it is that's going on in your life or in his life as well. I want, by the way, if you're not familiar with my book What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? Chapter one is speak your truth, do it with kindness. This is how you get the ball rolling to begin conversation to help someone lean into their feelings. One of my dearest friends was in a relationship some years ago and I love my best, you know, my dear friend, but he's not the most expressive person with his feelings. In other words, he doesn't initiate conversation. However, he was in relationship with a woman who was actually constantly expressing her feelings and little by little, little by little, little by little he began becoming more expressive of his feelings. And now when he and I connect and certainly with his current relationships he's far more expressive than he ever was before. So it starts by leading by example. What I also have is a couple other things I wrote on my trusty notes for you here is to also share is that if you're going to express your feelings and invite him to share his feelings then you better start listening. You better start listening because ladies oftentimes you're thinking about what's going on for you and then you're not actually listening to what he's sharing. You're more focused on your feelings and not his feelings. So if you're going to lead by example with your feelings and then invite him to express his feelings then I highly recommend you listen to his feelings because oftentimes what men experience from women is a dismissal of their feelings. So just like us little boys were taught to be a man stuff our feelings in when you dismiss our feelings we're less likely to be more emote in the relationship to actually share how we feel in the relationship if you dismiss our feelings. Now if you have something going on in your life and you do have to express yourself don't force it don't force yourself on him, don't vomit, don't dump don't you know forcing yourself and your feelings on someone oftentimes backfires. This is why again coming back to my book what the heck is self love anyway. Chapter nine says if it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So if you're going to be expressive of your feelings then I highly recommend coming from a sincere heartfelt calm place then forcing something on him because when you're agitated and you wanna express yourself it's oftentimes gonna backfire. Now again if it's sincere and from the heart you really can't say the wrong thing to the right person and that's what I want you to begin to lean into today. In addition, make it conversational not confrontational. Let me repeat that make it conversational and not confrontational. Oftentimes one of the reasons why men shut down and by the way ladies you shut down too anytime we feel confronted we have to defend ourselves and if we have to defend ourselves there's really no way to connect and actually listen to one another so don't force it. By the way a great way to get a guy to open up is ask questions about his passions. Ask questions about his passions. I happen to be a people watcher. I happen to be fascinated with human behavior. When a woman asks me questions about my passion which happens to be my coaching, my YouTube channel all the things that I do too and I've got something to share with you in a minute to illustrate this but ask a man questions about his passions that's a great way to get a man to open up. There's no better way to get someone to open up when we can start expressing our passions with one another and also be curious do something called drilling down so if he shares something with you then find another thing about that and ask him another question and another question and then he's more apt to feel safer to open up because the reality is as most men don't open up because they don't feel safe. If we weren't safe as boys to open up just because we're adults that doesn't change things. So drill down, ask him about his passions, drill down because that's gonna create an opportunity for him to open up. Okay, oh and don't stare him down. This is kind of the same thing about don't forcing it and lastly, this is one last one I'm gonna share before we take Q and A. A great place to talk to a guy is when you're driving in the car. You've got an audience there, you know what I mean? You're kind of stuck together. I know I was driving on a trip with a girlfriend of mine some years back and it was great how we were able to but she was just very calm, cool, collected. We were talking about the trip and then she started to ask me some personal questions and it created an opportunity because in a way because I was driving and I was kind of focused on the road I wasn't so defensive to actually lean into the conversation she wanted to talk about. Now I'm not saying that this is a guarantee gonna work but this is a great place. You have a, what's the word? What's the word, a viable audience? It's not that but a captive audience when you're in the car especially if you've got quite a bit of a drive. So that's a great place to get a guy to open up is those times when you have a long drive and maybe you can start expressing yourself again in that calm, cool, collected, conversational, not confrontational way. So just to repeat a couple things. First, speak your truth with kindness meaning start leading by example. This creates an opportunity for a man to open up and invite him to open up as well. In addition, be ready to listen. Be ready to listen, okay? Next, don't force the issue. Make it conversational, not confrontational. Ask him questions about his passions. Don't stare him down. Don't make it feel confrontational. And lastly, try it in the car. You've got a captive audience. Why not see what happens when you're driving the car to start talking a little bit more emotional about your relationship to see if you're actually a good fit for one another because here's the bottom line. When you're in a relationship with a person who's cold, avoidant, dismissive of feelings, it's not a very juicy, delicious, happy relationship and let's face it, we can have a relationship based on need or we can have a relationship based on desire and my invitation for everyone is to choose relationship based on desire, not based on need. So desire means having a partner in your life that's be able to give and receive, receive and give and that's the makings of a better relationship than those ones where it's just based out on need. And my hope is you don't choose a relationship based on need. So that's it for the content portion. We're gonna jump into the Q and A right now before I jump into the Q and A and those who know my style really quickly. If you have a question, post the word question and write the question there after or put a Q and then the question so I can find it easier in the chat box. Also you can purchase a super sticker and super chat. All the funds from a super sticker and super chat goes to a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development. The scholarship is in the name of my son, Connor Asley. For those who know, he passed away a few years ago so I started this fund and I have already started giving to charity such as the Hoffman Process Insight Institute. I just gave some money to a girls foundation. I can't remember what it was. Not the girl scouts but something along those lines. So again, purchase a super sticker, super chat to show that you appreciate my content. Before we jump into the Q and A I have two things I wanna share with you. So again, if you wanna post a question just get ready in a minute. But I wanna share with you because I wanna say something about my audience. I'm not speaking to the mass general public. I'm not speaking to the mass general public. My message is for those and I wrote this down so let me read this. My message is for those who wanna break free from fear, judgment, comparisons, guilt, regret and most importantly, victim consciousness. Sadly, here in the United States we're suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness and my message isn't for those who are in victim consciousness. My message isn't about landing the right guy. My message is about becoming the best version of yourself because when you operate from a place of love when you operate from a place of self love then you can attract a healthy love in your life that juicy delicious healthy relationship I often talk about. So my advice isn't for everyone only those ready to break free from mediocrity. We live in a totally different world from the past and since the internet plus we no longer live in a world where women are dependent upon men. In addition, most dating advice is attraction based and not based on shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. This is why I'm an advocate of seeing the bigger picture of the dating process and to be more intentional believing that the old way of doing things versus believing that the old way of doing things works. And lastly, work on yourself and maybe just maybe you might become a healthier human being. That's who my audience is. If you feel like you fit into my audience say amen right now in the chat box. Oh, and one last thing we're ready to take questions in a second. I wanna share something that I just received. Well, I'll share this in a little bit but we're ready to take questions. So if you have a question purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat write the word question so I can find it easily. Here we go. We Jen, one of my favorites here. What does it mean when someone strings you along? How do you define it and why? What does it mean? Okay, so the meaning of stringing you along is basically is someone who wants you in their life at their beck and call someone who wants you in their life at their beck and call. However, they have no intention of actually pursuing a fully committed relationship. Now I think one of the reasons why this happens today especially for those of us at midlife is because we, you know, the thing is we are no longer on the hunt for a wife the mother of our children for those of us in midlife for men in their 20s and 30s they're oftentimes on the hunt for the wife for their mother to become the mother of their children. When we're in midlife we come to the table with a lot of luggage we come to the table with a lot of baggage and we're not on the hunt for a spouse in the same way. And what happens is I said earlier in the video is that as our testosterone levels drop and our estrogen levels increase we desire connection, female connection we desire sex we even desire a little bit of companionship although we may not necessarily desire a fully committed relationship that leads to partnership. In fact, if you're not familiar with the work of Esther Perrell I highly recommend checking out her book mating in captivity, mating in captivity. By the way, there's a link to all my books below Jonathan recommend books. One thing Esther Perrell talks about is something called stable ambiguity, stable ambiguity. Think about that word ambiguity as it relates to stringing along. The stable part is that you might have some connection you might have sex, but the ambiguous place is where's this relationship going? Are we leading towards a partnership or are we just spending time with one another? And sadly, most women today or most relationships today are known as situationships or casual relationships and very few actually are intentional from a serious way. This is one of the reasons why ladies there's two things I wanna impart upon you right now. I know how much you like the idea that men are the leaders of the relationship and certainly men do the leading in the dating process at least to the point where you get to the first two or three or four dates but ultimately here's the problem. What's the number one search term for women out in the dating world? Why are men commitment phobic? Why can't men commit? Why do men goes? Why do men disappear? If that's the number one search term why would you wanna give the job of the leader of the relationship to the guy? You are in charge of your relationship destiny. This is why I'm a big proponent of setting healthy boundaries or first knowing your standards and then setting healthy boundaries. And this is why you must learn true compatibility. And if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg my relationship iceberg, here it is. As you can see in the top above the water line is attraction and the tip of the iceberg is chemistry. Below the water, the compatibility piece is shared values blendable lifestyle and emotional maturity. And that's not a V that's a U for those that believe that's a V. That's my penmanship. And my point bringing this up is is if you don't know how to vet for shared values emotional maturity and blendable lifestyles then I highly recommend scheduling a discovery call with me because my private coaching is all teaching you how to become your own matchmaker. Let me repeat that. Teaching you how to become your own matchmaker. And what I mean to say is if you hired a $20,000 matchmaker their job is to find somebody who's compatible with you. They vetted this person out. Now I will tell you most matchmaking services don't do that because they don't have enough of a database to do this. They basically, they focus on the chemistry piece hoping that magic fairy dust will fill in the blank on everything else. I teach you how to become your own matchmaker based on your personality and teach you how to ask the right questions. So I want you to check out the link below. So going back to the idea of being stringed along the reason why this happens it's because most of the time you really didn't vet him properly in the beginning but you got hooked the minute there was attachment to him or you had sex with him. Let me repeat that. There was attachment to him or you had sex with him. Now attachment if you're not familiar with love attachment style I highly recommend reading this book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. So you can learn about love attachment style. I also recommend reading the book getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. This is why you oftentimes choose part of the bad boy or the emotionally unavailable men because there was a good chance your father was emotionally unavailable. So how do you avoid this? You have to learn how to ask better questions in the early stages before you give your heart and or if you have sex the problem there is you might get attached to a guy because there's a chemical that gets released in our bodies known as oxytocin that mostly bonds women to men and it makes it very difficult to end the relationship. So stringing along, it's basically they like you but they have no real intention to be in relationship. Folks, I think it's time to stop fucking around and start asking better questions especially before the penis goes inside the vagina. Everyone knows my shtick before the penis goes in the vagina buy the book eight by two copies of the book eight dates and read it together because then you'll know and by the way, a guy that will string you along will never, ever, ever, ever, ever read this book. In fact, most men won't read this book because they're not serious and I want you to start choosing men or a serious. If a man really likes you and you said let's read this book together he'll read it with you. If he's kind of iffy about you, he probably won't but that means he's iffy about relationship anyway. So do you want that guy? Probably not. Avoid being stringed along by asking better questions right from the get go. Weijin, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's go swimming. Purchase a super sticker, super chat. All right, let's scroll here. If you have a question, post the word question so I can easily find it. Here we go, Liana, Lorna, excuse me. What about a guy 40 who hasn't had kids neither been married? Is he still hunting for a wife and family? That's interesting. So if we're talking the specific age of 40 he may still be on the hunt for a wife. Here's the thing, roughly at about age 45, 75% of the single population in the dating realm roughly about 75% are divorced. Okay, there is some of the never married in that category and then there are the widowers but that's a very small percentage until you start getting into your 50s, 60s and 70s. So 40 years old is right on the cusp and a man still might be looking for a wife. He oftentimes will choose a woman 10 years younger. I'm not saying this is an absolute but most of the time if he's at that age and he's still on the hunt for a wife he's probably looking for someone five to 10 years younger. So they have their body because let's face it at age 40 it becomes more difficult. I'm not saying it can't happen becomes more difficult to make babies at that range. So most likely, but at age 40 but roughly at about age 45 it's they're either divorced and if they're never married the chances are they're not gonna have children. So you might just wanna ask the question if he's never been married, no children is that something you want and ask it right up front? And that would be a good way to avoid spending time with the wrong guy. Great question there, Lorna. Thank you so much. I also wanna thank Ouija for the 1999 Super Sticker. She says, thank you for answering. I really appreciate your dedication. I'm practicing planning for our second date and asking questions and expressing standards and commitment and I bought the book eight dates and he loves these things. Way to go. Back everyone, I wanna share with you something. I got an email this morning. I have to share with you all. So bear with me, I'll just take a moment. But why I'm sharing this is it really is an important message. This woman writes as Jonathan. I know your primary focus is helping others find their life partners. However, I wanna share with you that as a woman who's about to celebrate my 20 year anniversary your videos have helped my marriage grow closer than ever. We communicate in much more healthy positive way. We have been through some rocky patches but I feel more in love and loved by him now than I did when we first became engaged. Thanks to you, every day we make sure to give each other attention, affection, acknowledgement and acceptance. I sincerely hope you feel great sense of pride and satisfaction knowing that not only help people find love but also help those ready in a committed relationship grow stronger both as individuals and God pulls. God bless you. Alexandra, thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it. She's literally practicing what I talk about in the book by Barbara DeAngelis. How to make love all the time. How to make love all the time folks. When you're in a significant relationship the reason why I recommend these books is because most of us, once we're in a relationship, we're winging it. We're winging it. We have no fucking clue how to make a relationship work. This is why I recommend these books because it's, listen, you don't have enough time to wing it and most men don't buy these books. Women buy these books. So learn what's in the books and then invite it into your relationship. If he genuinely cares about you he's gonna wanna do the work with you. If he's not ready for a relationship or he's dismissive or avoid it he's gonna run away. But do you really want that guy? Look, folks, if you want casual and situationships I'm not the coach for you. I am not, you're not my audience. I'm, my audience are those that wanna break free from mediocrity and casual relationships and situationships to me or mediocrity. I'm a big proponent of partnership to shift the narrative and listen we don't have enough time to fuck around. I'm in my 50s, most of you are in your 40s, 50s and 60s. We don't have time to fuck around. We had that in our 20s and 30s. As you know, like I always talk about the movie Shawshank Redemption. Get busy living or get busy dying. And I'm here to say, I don't want you to die not having tried, not having made effort to. And by the way, the reason why I recommend my book over and over again is because it's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So we can have inner peace because when we love on ourselves and listen we never fully love on ourselves. We never fully heal from this shit. But do you wanna be healing or do you wanna be stuck in the pit of despair? And do you wanna be in relationship with someone who's stuck in the pit of despair or do you want someone who's at least introspective enough and cares about you enough to say I'm willing to work to make this relationship work. Now, I know there's a theory that great relationships don't need work. Here's, yes, 20% of couples, wait, happy couples that we're just perfect to begin with don't have this problem. The reality is if you're single looking for love we are riddled with shit. And as I said earlier in the video, at midlife is when we have an unraveling of our childhood wounds and traumas all that armor that was built up in childhood starts to unravel and we are fucking deer in the headlights when this happens. This is why I'm a big proponent of doing the work. This is why I continually talk about the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. Check it out. I can't tell you how many emails I'm getting now. Thank you, thank you, thank you for recommending the book. Thank you, thank you, thank you for recommending the workshop because it's making a big difference in people's lives and that's what I wanna impart upon you. Thank you so much, Regent, for that super sticker. I really appreciate it. Leaf says, teaching us to become our own matchmaker, a transferable skill even with friends, colleagues, peers, that's very wise. Thank you, Leaf, I appreciate that. All right, Doug says, William Sonoma and the magic fairy dust, everyone who knows my work knows I talk about the magic fairy dust you all believe because here's the thing, when we stuff our heads under the ground, when we stuff our heads under the rug, it's amazing how our relationships just bloom and magically work out when we fucking stuff our heads under the rug. Listen, I was married for 12 years, 12 and a half years. I buried my head in the sand from day one. Thinking, time will change things, it didn't. Communication changes things, opening up changes things. And by the way, sometimes we have to suck it up. Ladies, I know when you speak your truth, it might scare a lot of men away. In fact, your fear is to scare a guy away. But you're only scaring the wrong guy when you speak sincerely from your heart. And by the way, we men don't have a picnic with you women either. A lot of you women are a fucking pain in the ass. There are entitled women, there are fearful women, there are women that are absolutely ambivalent to this. I can tell you as a man dating, I'm sharing with you your frustration with men. And by the way, Doug is in this video or in this live chat box, he'll tell you, women are just as much a pain in the ass here. There are avoidant women, there are women who are, that treat men with contempt, that treat men with criticism, that treat men with defensiveness, or treat men with stonewalling. And if you're not familiar with the four horsemen of the apocalypse by John Gottman, check that out. John Gottman plus four horsemen of the apocalypse. You women are no picnic either. You're not more emotionally mature than men. You might be more emotional than men, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're emotionally mature as men. So I'm an equal opportunity judge of both sexes. That's what I wanted to say. So thank you so much for that, Leif, I appreciate it. All right, do we have any questions? Doug says, amen, brother. Robin says, PETA, pain in the ass, that's exactly it. Women can be just as much pain in the ass. Leif says, love those videos. I'm enjoying volunteering, mentoring young girls that writing books. I help them edit them and let them bounce ideas off me. I love seeing them work on their ideas. Yes, if we can impart this to the younger generation, that would make a huge difference. Laurie says, we are all, wait a minute. We are all train wrecks. Pick your favorite and learn about from each other right now in my early 30s. And I love what you do. Got your book. Have the audio book of eight dates and the Untethered Soul. Yes, the Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, another great book. Thank you for bringing that up, Laurie. All right, do we have any questions? Post the word question. I don't, we seem like to have a bashful group. I don't wanna end early, so you better give me some material to talk about, folks. Post a question below. All right, my coffee mug says, let that shit go. You all know my verbiage. All right, folks, if you don't ask a question, we're gonna be wrapping up early. It's Friday night. There's a big concert going on where I live. I might walk up. Actually, I'm going out with friends tonight, but that's the beach fest is going on in Redondo Beach. All right, looks like we have a bashful group tonight. Do we have any questions or maybe it's not working? Purchase a super sticker or a super chat. That would be so helpful as well. Doug, post a question. I'd really appreciate it. We need some content here. While I'm waiting for, oh, here we go. Oh, we got two. Okay. All right. I don't know how to pronounce your name, Ms. Siegel. Question, he's 49, I'm 40. We've been dating for three months. He has divorced second time with four kids altogether. I'm divorced with three. The connection was going very nice. He mentioned his mom and suddenly, and suddenly he started being busy so much and pulled away trying to get the true reason. He said, he has too much stuff on his mind. I'm in love, what to do? Okay, so great question. Now the question is, are you in love? Are you attached to him? There's a big difference. We oftentimes believe love attachment is love, but here's the bottom line. You're dealing with seven children. That might just be more than he can emotionally handle in the relationship, the children piece. He has his work piece. He has so much going on in his life. He just may not be in a position to actually go much deeper than a casual relationship. And the fact that he pulled away is an indication that he's not capable of going deeper. So what do you do? You try to have a heartfelt conversation with him, but recognize that it takes two to tango. It takes two to tango. If one wants to tango and the other doesn't, you can't tango. You can't tango. So ultimately, I invite you to have a serious conversation with him to determine where you're at in the relationship. And if he's unable to commit men any further, then you move on, you move on. You move on, you move on. Now what oftentimes happens is the rubber band effect. Six to 12 weeks, he's gonna say, I want you back, I want you back. I'm gonna change, I'm gonna change. But it's literal, not to say that's a guarantee, okay? But the only way to get, first you have that serious conversation. If you can't commit, you shut him out for your life for six to 12 weeks. He'll probably come back, but he hasn't really done any work to be any better to be in a relationship. But at least he might learn to appreciate you while you're gone, and he might revisit the relationship to see if it really makes sense for him or not. That's my invitation for you. I can't say that's a guarantee. But again, express yourself, then cut him off if he doesn't wanna go any further. That's my invitation for you. All right, I wanna thank you so much for your question, by the way. I wanna thank Marcy for her super, $10 Super Sticker from New Zealand. Thank you so much. All right, let's bear with me a second. I saw another one from Veronica. Question, what's the best way to get an avoidant man to open up? Well, you take a sledgehammer and you crack open his head. That'll open him up. I'm kidding, that's not serious. Again, everything that I said in the first 20 minutes of this video, this audio, is all designed to help you learn how to get a man to open up. So just remember, lead by example. Have a conversation with not a confrontation. Ask him about his passions. Talk to him while you're in the car. Listen to his feelings. But again, you have to express yourself and invite him to express himself. And if he does, then you have the makings of building a relationship together. And if he doesn't, he just may not be your guy. But you have to decide that for yourself. And you also have to decide, do you want a conventional relationship where it's not, folks, probably 80% of the relationships have conventional relationships. It lacks intimacy. And isn't it fascinating that 80% of women file for divorce because there's a lack of intimacy? And I don't mean sex. I'm talking about emotional connection. So other than there might be infidelity or whatnot. So don't you want to solve this beforehand? Look, we're of the divorce crowd, most of us. Let's get it right the next time. And by the way, do you know, second and third marriages fail at a greater rate than first? So we better get it right by asking better questions and leaning into our feelings, allowing him to express his. Because if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right guy. Veronica, thank you for your question. I really appreciate it. All right. AM says, I wish I was at the concert. Robin says, just stoned, okay. All right, let's see what else we have here. AM says, first time watching, thank you for your insights. I appreciate that. Sadly, Whitney thinks men are gay. Well, that's a perspective. How's that working for you, that perspective? If you want a relationship and you think men are gay, then you basically, why do you want to date men if all men are gay? Anyway, that's just my invitation on that one. So Veronica says, the void of man I'm seeing will leave to another country to work for several months. What is the best way to connect him emotionally despite the distance? We are not yet exclusive. Well, your only chance why he's away is to do zoom and FaceTime, but that men don't bond through zoom and FaceTime. So there's not much you can do. You know, wait till he comes back. And in the meantime, I would be dating other people because if you're not an exclusive relationship, I would be dating other people. That's my invitation for you. Have a heartfelt conversation with them. If you guys do zoom and FaceTime, great. But if you're not exclusive, I would be dating other people. That's my invitation for you. Because you're rolling the dice with a four month, you know, being gone for four months. Gina says, question. Hello, my friend, long distance relationship, but should I hang on to him? Yes, it's emotionally available, but he has reservations like me. Folks, I, by the way, I feel like I talk about long distance relationships incessantly and I'm tired of it for this reason. Unless you have a plan to take the distance close together, it's, I mean, if you, by the way, here's the bottom line. If you want a day to day relationship where you see each other on a regular basis and you're partners with one another, in other words, you do social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills in both in your personal and your professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to getting married or living together, then you have to have a plan of how it's gonna go from distance to close up. Now it's interesting, not too long ago, I dated a woman who lived about 30 miles, 35 miles away from me. In our first exchange, she had sent me a message saying, you have a great profile, Jonathan, but there's distance between us. How do you feel about that? And my response was, I don't plan on moving where I live because my life is here, my son is here, my family is here, so I don't plan on moving. And she said, well, ironically, she was actually thinking of moving to my exact city because she has friends here. At least we had a conversation about it. Now it didn't work out after the date, but we had a conversation before we ever met one another. That's being a grown up. Folks, it's time to become a grown up. Stop being little children when you date. Don't be afraid to ask the tougher questions before you meet someone. That's the best time to ask the tougher questions. But Jonathan, the rules say, I have to play games. Jonathan, the rules says, I have to play games. Folks, games temporarily work for about one second. And then what you're left with is a relationship based on games. Start asking more adult questions right from the beginning and you might find that that long distance guy isn't a really good fit for you. And by the way, I shot a video on this. This is gonna come out in the next few days. I think long distance dating has become the new hookup way of dating. I'll call it hookup way of dating. By the way, we communicate with someone who lives far away. We get all this enticement going on. You throw in a little phone sex. You travel over there. You fuck each other's brains out because you had this bubble. And then they come back going, oh, I changed my mind. But why would a man travel to get laid? Men will fucking do a thousand things just to get laid. By the way, we men pay for sex. So a plane ride is no different than a hooker. Folks, I think long distance dating is the new form of hookup. When I say new form of hookup because you're almost guaranteed to get laid when you first meet each other if the distance is a plane ride away or more than two or three hours away because basically no one's gonna wanna drive back home. And they all say, well, I'll get a hotel room or I'll sleep in the spare bedroom. Yeah, fat chance of that. Two people, if they have hot chemistry, they will fuck on the first, second or third date, night that they're together. And then the guys will flake and disappear. Why? Because you know what? A relationship is built through social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends. A relationship isn't built over the telephone. Men do not bond over the telephone. Ladies, I say this over and over again. Stop believing that. That's my opinion on long distance, Gina. Thank you. I'm very opinionated. All right, question from Sadie. Jonathan, when is the best time to tell a man my non-negotiables, for example, I don't want alcohol around me? So, oh, interesting. So great, we'll just talk about the alcohol piece. So I believe most dating apps have a little, little question centered around alcohol. So if yours says never drinks, then I would have that conversation with them right from the get-go. I'll be candid with you. Not that I'm a big drinker, in fact, I'm not that big of a drinker, but one of the things I love to do is go wine tasting. And I do spiritual journeys using plant-based medicine. I need someone that has an open mind with these things mostly because I wanna do wine tasting with my partner. And if they don't feel comfortable around alcohol, then I'm probably not a good fit for them. Nor are they necessarily a good fit for me. I think it's important to get that question before you ever meet on a date and then you don't have to worry about it. So my invitation for you, Sadie, bring it up right away because why do you wanna go on a date with a guy hoping that chemistry will make us love each other and then magic fairy-dice will make the person align to exactly who we are. Bum, bum, bum. Okay, Sadie, I think you get my point. Thanks for that question. Here, Claire said something interesting. Women, please grow a backbone and men grow a pair, grow a pair. Open up about your feelings. If they are present and if they are unsure, please set a timeframe for three months. And if they don't know their true intentions. Claire, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Ladies, please grow a backbone. Men, grow some balls. Let's stop fucking being children in this process and start being adults. I highly recommend everybody reading this book. Really, how to be an adult in relationships? How to be an adult in relationships? How to be an adult in relationships? How to be an adult in relationships? In fact, I'm gonna piggyback on that. You read this book, after you read that book, shut up, stop whining and get a fucking life, humans. Stop playing around. We don't have enough time to play around here. We don't have enough time to play around. It's time to be intentional in your life. You don't have enough time to play around. Stop being children, stop it. I'm yelling, so please forgive me. All right, thank you so much, Claire. I really appreciate that. I wanna thank Lorna for the super sticker of $20. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. If my content is resonating with you, please purchase a super sticker, super chat. I really wanna build that scholarship fund up. All right. Thank you so much. Doug says, great question, Tweety. I know the 3% guy you're referring to. I could go on and on. But Jonathan asked the floor. Thank you so much. I don't know where that was coming from. Okay. Here's a question. By the way, if you wanna ask me a personal question, this is the time to ask me a personal question. Write the word personal question and then ask. Right now we're gonna save the last 10 minutes for anything personal you wanna ask of me. But before that, we're gonna take Miss Rogers question. Question. I met someone who was on dialysis and I didn't wanna get attached and lose him. He has since had a transplant and then his mom had a stroke. I know he's interested, but has lots of distractions. Wow. Well, first off, I wanna send that man a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self-love. Or love, love, excuse me. Boy, to go through that dialysis and a transplant in his mother, he probably isn't capable for a fully committed relationship right now. So just recognize that he's, again, not a good candidate to be in relationship. That doesn't mean that you can't be a confidant in his life. You can't be a friend. But most likely he's not a good candidate to be in relationship with. Now that doesn't mean you can't explore a friendship and can't explore a relationship with him. Just understand he has a lot on his plate and he may not be capable of going the distance at this moment in his life. Doesn't mean that can't change. So coming back to my relationship iceberg, find out if you share the same values, find out if your lifestyle is blendable, find out if he has emotional maturity. Cause if you have chemistry, then there might be a chance for relationship success. That's a great question, Ms. Rogers. Thank you so much. And I didn't know how to say your first name. That's why I said Ms. Rogers. Thank you so much. All right. Well, I'm gonna take this question before I take the personal question question. He says we're exclusive and he says he is committed. We've been seeing each other for one and a half years. His job is not stable. He isn't able to travel to see me. Money is a problem. Drop him. All right. See, what I don't like about these questions, it's a long distance relationship. I mean, you could have been saying you're year and a half and you've seen each other three times. I have no idea what your relationship is about. Here's the thing. If he's having, if the ground underneath him is not solid, it's gonna be difficult to build a relationship. So you've got distance involved. Chances are you don't really have a solid relationship to begin with, nor did you have a plan of taking the distance close together. So why not talk about how you're gonna take the distance close together, find out if you're on the same page. And when you learn that you're not, then you can decide to move on. And I'm gonna say this with 97% certainty. I'd say 100% certainty. This relationship isn't gonna work out, but I know you guys don't like 100% certainty. So I'll tell you with 97% certainty, it won't work out. How do I know that? Because 90% of relationships don't work out anyway. Because most people aren't dating as adults. Find out how to take that distance close together before you invest any more time in him. That's my suggestion to you. Thank you so much. All right. Let's go swimming. Let's go swimming. Let's go. Harry Potter, personal question. What if you have a shy guy that you wanna be open up about their past? By the way, when I said personal question, if you have a personal question of Jonathan Asley, write the word personal question and post your question. So we're gonna save these last few minutes for questions for Jonathan. All right. What if you have a shy guy that won't open up about their past? It makes it difficult to pre-qualify him to see how legit he is. Chances are if he can't open up about his past, he's gonna have a hard time opening up in relationship. You have to assess that one for yourself. By the way, I won't date someone who doesn't open up about their past. If they're afraid, I'm not interested, but that's just me. You have to decide this for yourself, Harry. So my invitation, try, and if not, then you've gotta decide if it's worth investing. And I can't give you that advice with limited information. All right. Thank you so much for that question. Lisa Crocket says, Jonathan, are you an early riser or a night owl? Great questions. I am actually an early riser. I wake up at most mornings, 5 a.m. I love to have coffee out on my balcony. I do a little bit of meditation. I do a little reflection before I start doing my brainstorming. I do some of my best brainstorming for my work between 6 and 8 a.m. And then I tend to go to sleep around 10 o'clock. And I tend to pass out in my couch and then move to the bedroom. Which it kind of sucks because I seem to be meeting women who are all night owls and I wanna talk at 6 or 7 in the morning and they wanna talk at 8 or 9 or 10 o'clock at night. I'm already got a full day at work. So I prefer to date someone who is a early riser like me. That's my hope anyway. All right, thank you for that question, Lisa. I wanna thank Jackie for that $50 super sticker. Way to go, Jackie, for showing support. Hold on, that wasn't it. Where is it? Jackie, thank you, everybody. Thank you, Jackie. That's very sweet to donate to the Connor Fund. L.Y. says, personal question. What is your birthday? I know you're a Leo. My birthday is August 1st. I won't say the year, but I have four houses in Leo and I have one note in Leo. So I'm a true Leo. Oh, Claire Bear says, I was in a long distance relationship. We met every two weeks for three days, weekends, after one year or so, it was not easy. Thank you for sharing that. All right, if you have a personal question of me. Oops, that's not it. Have you, have you vetty? I don't know what vetty is. Have you vetty? I don't know what vetty is, Marcy. Thank you so much. I wanna thank Linda for the $10 super sticker. Thank you so much. And Amanda, Amira says, question, why do you wear a wedding ring? Folks, this is my right hand, not my left hand. The reason why I wear this. Hold on, everybody. Hang tight for a second. Hang tight, hang tight, hang tight. See if I can find the book. Where is the book? I can't find it. Oh, here it is. Friend of mine wrote a book called Ring Shwey, Ring Shwey. Basically told me if I wear this a wedding type of band on my opposite hand finger, I can attract love in my life. This is my right hand, folks. This is my left hand. Marriage is left hand. This is my right hand. So Ring Shwey, my friend, Barbara Berg. I'll have to let her know I gave her some props today. Thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right. Clara says, you're welcome. Thank you so much. Lillian says, I'm a night owl. Okay. Personal question, have you experienced Mapicho? It's a tobacco medicine. No, I have not. But I am doing a psilocybin journey this weekend because I wanna connect with Connor. Oh, I had a dream about Connor last night. Folks, I probably go to bed crying most nights, thinking about Connor. And last night, I had an intense dream about him. And it makes me think we all have pain and suffering in our lives, but there really is no other pain like losing a child. Or you just cannot put that in any other category. And so I made a decision this morning to, I have a shaman that I know that's a host ceremony. So on a regular basis, I'll be doing a plant-based medicine journey using psilocybin. I'll let you look it up what the street name is, but it's amazing how these spiritual journeys open my heart up and allows me to connect with my son. I miss him dearly. I really do miss him. And I wonder oftentimes if my block or my resistance to falling in love is that I'm still in grief, I'm still in pain over him. And I'm having a hard time looking directly at the camera. I'll be candid with you. Folks, listen, I'm gonna stop here for a second. Anyway, I don't do that medicine, but I do cannabis, I do other plant-based medicines, and I like to have a glass of wine on a regular occasion. So thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Leap says hugs to you, Jonathan. Miss Gina says, I'm sorry about your pain. Thank you so much, everyone. Thank you, I appreciate that. All right, folks. Oh, Marcy says, how long does it take for you to vet someone? Great question. So part of my coaching program, by the way, there's a link below to schedule a free discovery call with Jonathan to see if working with a coach is right for you. Part of my coaching program is about asking the right deal breaker questions early on. So I do a pre-vetting before I meet someone. So literally, let's say I get a dozen swipes a week. And through that, I try to narrow down a couple of those dozen swipes by asking some good questions a lot of times. By the way, women are just as flaky. I've given two women my phone number to call me and they just totally disappeared. And then they come back weeks later going, I wonder what happened between us? Well, like you didn't fucking call me. Sorry, I said the B word, by the way. But I do pre-qualifying before I meet them. So I'm hoping that when we meet that the chemistry can ignite us by doing some pre-qualifying, then the dating process is another pre-qualifying vetting process. But I can do all that in a very short period of time for me. Look, if I'm physically attracted to someone and we share the same values, our blendable lifestyles and she has emotional maturity, I'm ready for the races. Sadly, 90% of the women like men are emotionally immature. So there's a lot of question asking. Nine out of 10 times people's lifestyles don't blend with yours and a lot of times here in California where red state, half the people are blue, half the people are red, half the people are vaxed, half the people are not. It's a cluster fuck here in California. So not to say I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. And there's 40 million people so there's plenty to choose from. But I'm here to say I do a lot of vetting ahead of time so I don't waste time with the wrong person if I'm very attracted to them and I'm hoping the vice versa. So thank you so much for that question. All right, Anne says, grief is horrible, Jonathan. I wish you the best with your visit with Connor. I do too, folks. I can't tell you the, and I'll share this with you. The last time I did a journey, Connor said, stop bugging me. I'm having a great time in heaven. Connor's in experiencing love. He's in that space of love. And so from a spiritual perspective, I know he's doing great and I know he wants me to do great. I just miss the motherfucker. I just miss him a lot. He was a, he really was one of those he beat to his own drummer kind of kids. And I'm listening, I'm grateful. I have his brother, Colin. We have a great relationship. We've done some journeys together in fact. We have a great relationship together. We truly help each other out at this time. So I'm very blessed and I'm also very, very sad. Okay. Anyway, folks, I think this would be a great place to wrap up. It's Friday night. I want you to go out all have a good time. Get on the dating apps, meet someone today, bet them better and hopefully read these books. And I'm hoping, again, my audience is those people that don't want to settle for mediocrity. And my hope is that my work invites you to take your life to a whole new level, especially in the area of loving yourself. And again, I highly recommend checking out my book. What the heck is self love anyway? All right, we're going to wrap. I want to thank you all, but we're going to wrap up for tonight. I want to wrap up by giving myself a first off big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give enter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye.