 Hey, Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what a wait, boy. Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. The Abbott and Costello Show. Produced and transcribed in Hollywood be a listening and laughing pleasure. Juckles with a carload and music by Maddie Maldeck. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello. Ladies and gentlemen, just as strictly to the audience, ladies and gentlemen, right now we introduce our new special feature on the Abbott and Costello program called Start the Music. To the person that can identify this tune, we will give a beautiful television set. Now here's the tune. He threw the back door. He couldn't. It was buttoned down too tight. 3,000 wives. 3,000 wives? Yeah, he says that every morning when he comes down to breakfast, he sings the harem song. The harem song? What's that? Everybody don't leave. I've got royal blood in my veins. Oh, you have? My grandmother went back to Sir Walter Raleigh. My grandmother smokes a pipe too, you know. You know, I've got to leave now, Abbott. I've got a date with my new girl. She's from Texas. She's a real cow girl. She says all her time with her cattle. She eats with the cattle, she sleeps with the cattle, and practically lives with the cattle. Are you going to make love with it? Well, it's only if the wind is right. It's hot tonight, but don't go away. Abbott and Costello will be back after just the time it takes to tell this. There's a crisp new addition to your light summer salad diet of ABC programs. The show with a pocket full of stars, songstress Peggy Mann, the rhythmic starlight here is Edward Gilbert's orchestra, and your favorite 10 o'clock dinner. It's called Name the Movie and features a special quiz on Movieland with a famous screen personality as guest each week to act as quiz masters. Film fans will thoroughly enjoy the opportunity to follow along and test their knowledge of motion pictures both old and new, legal to the popular screen favorites of the day and yesterday. ABC's new summer series, Name the Movie, has everything. Your favorite ballads, the old songs, the ones you ask for again and again, the new fun of a new quiz, a famous Hollywood quiz master each week, plus a talented cast including Peggy Mann, Clark Dennis and the Starlighters. Yes, Name the Movie is the perfect combination of quiz and melody. So be on hand when it comes your way tonight on many of these ABC stations. And now back to ABC's Abbott and Costello show. But what are you so excited about? Boy, did we have trouble at my house last night. Somebody stole my Aunt May's purse with all her savings in it. It was $87. No, that's a shame. Many old down dirty thieves that would do a thing like that ought to be shot. Costello, you ought to find him and shoot him. Abbott, I can't shoot my own uncle. I know you. And your Uncle Mike stole that money. That's a serious statement to make. Can you prove it? Apparently, I sneaked in Uncle Mike's room to steal his watch to hock it. And there was Aunt May's purse right in his pocket. You were going to steal your Uncle Mike's watch to hock it? Mm-hmm. Why did you do a thing like that? Aunt May told me to do it. It's disgusting, Costello. Your Uncle Mike steals money from your Aunt May and your Aunt May steals money from your Uncle Mike and your whole family steals money. They do not. My brother Pat never stole a dollar in his life. He didn't. He steals automobile tires. He's taking that money. What did he do Saturday night? Well, you know those two towels, they have marked his and hers. Yes. He used hers. Your Uncle Mike get a job and stop loafing around the house. Well, he's got a job at the California Highway Traffic, your father. And his plan will simplify transportation in Southern California. Well, what is his plan? Now, here it is. And it's very simple. Everybody listen. First, he's going to move Cucamonga to Azusa. Then he's going to move Azusa to Cucamonga. Now, suppose a man wants to go to Azusa and he's in Cucamonga. He stays home and he's in Azusa. Yeah, man. Suppose a man lives in Cucamonga and he wants to stay in Cucamonga. Abbot, who wants to stay in Cucamonga? When does he start to work with the traffic department? Well, they're breaking him in now. He's stationed up on Mulholland Drive on Saturday night. He's got a sound truck and he hollers out traffic messages to the motors to keep the roads open. What kind of messages? Well, like this. Oh, moochers and knickers. They're a bunch of stupid ignoramuses. They're all just like you. Did you ever go to college? Did you ever go to high school? Did you ever go to grammar school? When he gets to kindergarten, have I got an answer for him? Did you ever go to kindergarten? No. And that's my answer. The reason you are so sadly lacking in intelligence. Yes, but don't forget. What I lack in intelligence, I make up in a stupidity. Yes, but don't forget. Stupid people don't live long. Oh, yeah. My grandfather's 104 years old and he's alive. Would be the oldest memory of the family room. I've got enough on my mother's side. My uncle Tom's is a miss in Baltimore. He died at the age of 130. He did. 130. Do tell. Last week, we dug him up. And you want to know something about it? Why? He looks better than you do right now. Hello, that's a pretty old joke. Yes, and he was a pretty old man. I didn't know you came from a family of long livers. Are you kidding? My brother-in-law, Joe Kirk has a liver 30 feet long. Long time has I heard that joke? Yes, but that's a long liver. I forgot about your family. You'd better start worrying about yourself, Lou. You don't look so good. That's because I haven't been sleeping much lately. What do you mean? Every night I have the same nightmare. I dreamed of a guy chasing me with a long shop night. He'd chase me all the way up from St. Boulevard to Santa Monica, all over the mountains, right up to my house in North Hollywood. And that's been going on for the past two weeks. Oh, that's terrible. It is. You must be completely worn out. Well, I would be, but for one thing. What's that? Last night, I found a shortcut. Hi. Uncle Louie, hang on to Louie. It's Abbott's nephew, folks. What do you want, Norman? Uncle Louie, I heard you say you couldn't sleep. And I hope you get some sleep real soon. Because when you don't sleep, you get irritable. And when you're irritable, you get mad at me. And when you get mad at me, you'll cut my salary. And when you cut my salary, I won't be able to pay my rent. And if I can't pay my rent, that'll evict me. And if I haven't got any home, then I'll be a bum. And you can't expect my wife to live with a bum just because you can't sleep. Abbott, I'm telling you right here and now. You're your nephew, Norman. Ain't gonna amount to a thing. Why? I'll tell you why, because last week I got him a small job. He wouldn't take it. He could have made a lot of money selling Santa Anita long underwear at half price. Santa Anita long underwear. At half price. Well, how can they sell it at half price? The fact is, forgot to put in a good dollar window. If you and Norman were over to my house last week while I was away. Yes. We built a new radio cabinet for your wife. And I took a bunch of wires and put them in a box and I sealed it up tight. And when I tuned it on, I couldn't get any music. Only loud talking. And for the past week, all I get is talk. Did my wife like the cabinet? Now that you mention it, I haven't seen her since I sealed up the box. Studying radio at night, if you see LA. And there's one thing that I don't understand about radio. Well, friend, maybe we can help you. Abbot and I have been making our living on radio for the last 10 years. Yeah, that's the one thing I can't understand. One up is enough. Now I don't mind you putting your relatives on a payroll. But why do they have to come in and bother me? Let's reach out and have a cigar. Rockabye, baby. Have a cigar, Melny. Here, give all the boys in the band one, too. Rockabye, baby. Hey, wait. Passing out cigars. I just got a call from the wife, but there's a pattern of little feet around my house. Everybody have a cigar. But Joe, Joe, those feet are on the house. Well, I've just found out it's my relations of yours out of here. Wait a minute. What makes you think my relations are Republican? There can't be that many Democrats out of work. All right. Why must you be so bitter towards my relatives? You should learn to be friendly with people. Don't you have any human interests? Only when I go to a burly show. What's the burly show got to do with human interests? Well, I'm human, and that's my interests. You should try to be more kind to people, even animals, and birds, and bees love each other. Why don't you get closer to nature and become a nature lover? I'm a nature lover. Well, if you are, then why do you spend all your time chasing girls? Well, that's my nature, lover. That's, Stella, why don't you stop chasing girls? You spend all your money on girls. You see, you ought to let me handle your money and invest it for you. Why, you might wind up with a corner on steel, selling cars, or a corner on weeds, selling flowers. A corner on hollywood fire and selling apples. Well, that only proves that you have no sense of value. Now, which would you prefer, a six-foot blonde or a piece of valuable land? I'll take the blonde. But the land I'm thinking of is on Wilshire Boulevard and has a beautiful front. The blonde I'm thinking of is on Wilshire Boulevard and has, you keep the land. Hiya, girl. The Oliva. Oh, the Oliva and our little secretary. Well, the Oliva, you look gorgeous tonight. How about you and me taking a ride in my car after the show? I found a new place to park. Really? A new place to park? Up in the Hollywood Hills. A new place. You dummy, why, every guy in his brother parks up in the Hollywood Hills? They do not. I was up there last night. And I looked in every car. And I wasn't one guy up there with his brother. Oh, boys, the backstage is cooking up the next act. Let's eavesdrop on this. Have you ever wondered just how a fast-moving crime drama could be offered as a public service? Well, that's just what happens each Friday night when this is your FBI's broadcast over most ABC stations. You see, this is your FBI's broadcast with the full cooperation and approval of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. The full cooperation and approval. Each Friday night, this is your FBI dramatizes an authentic case based on one taken from the files of the Federal Bureau of Investigation in Washington, showing the methods with which criminals work and how our federal agents track them down. Further, these exciting dramas point up just how plain ordinary citizens are duped by these criminals and so put listeners on guard against their being taken in by similar methods. This then is how the program performs a public service. Listen, when this is your FBI, it's heard over most of these ABC stations tomorrow night and every Friday night. Now back to ABC's Abbot and Costello show. Now the spotlight turns to how a winter star singing star. Here he is with Maddie Malek in his orchestra. Never thought these eyes were what these modern fellas will think of them shivers and superatomic charms. And here you are in my- Eat the mixture on my stove. You dummy, if you do that, you'll blow the roof off your house tonight. Oh, no, I won't. What makes you so sure? I blew it off last night. You're not a body detective. You're ignorant, illiterate, and uneducated. I am not uneducated. I would just- Today you were promoted from the third grade to the fourth grade. Yes. How can you remember that? Of course, that morning I was so nervous I had to get my mother to shave me. Shove-up detector theory. All listeners are crazy about it. Here's a fan letter I got today and it says, see you, Luc Costello. That Sam Shove-up detector you are the funniest guy I ever heard. What I listen to you, I shake the house with laughter. Last week I laughed so hard I thought the shielding would cave in. I've come to the studio to see it tonight. Mr. Costello's a man here to see you. What does he look like? I can't tell. He's all covered with flesh. I figured out the difference. What's your Sam Shove-up story about tonight, folks? Well, it's one of my oriental cases, Abbott. One of my oriental cases. I call it the case of the Chinaman who poised his own food or he committed shop suicide. Shove-up private detective. They call me a private eye. I can smell a murderer a mile away. I can smell a frame up. I can smell anything crooked. Private eye. They ought to call me private nose sitting here in my little office. I look at myself in the mirror. I notice that my hair needs shortening. I'm all out of crisco. Packet me from the mirror. No one of the girls are crazy about me. Before I became a detective, I had girls to burn. Yes, I had girls to burn, but I gave it up. I found out there's no fun in burning girls. I notice a mouse crawling across my office or church mouse or my equipment. There's my gun. There's my handcuffs. There's my binoculars. I'm glad I got the plan for the secret weapon. Those are my spy glasses. I decided to fill out my application for a 1949 California driver's license. They're making the test tougher this year. To get a license, you have to learn to speak big Latin. That's so you can talk to the road hogs in Hollywood. On my desk, I noticed a picture of one of the cleverest women crooks in the business. He was what the police call a top draw thief. When I finally caught her, she had a garage full of top drawers. He was a cute girl but very shy. The first time I saw her, she'd drop her eyes. I'd pick them up. One was a naggot. Her real turnip nose. Every time she sneezed, she blew her head off. She had a very clever racket. He'd make a friend of a guy, kiss him and give him a cold. Every guy she met, she'd give him a kiss and give him a cold. I finally arrested her for making friends and influencing people. I'm not in this detective racket. I always remember my mother's advice. She said to me, Sam, if you want to get a job, remember the early bird catches the worm. I followed that advice for 20 years. I never got a job, but I got about 8 million worms. He also gave me, my brother Pat, his advice also. He said to him, go west, young man, go west. He followed her advice and drowned. He was living in Pismo Beach at the time. Suddenly, I see someone coming into the office. Hello, Sam Shello. Hello, Lieutenant Abbott. Pull up a chair and sit down. I'm tired. I've been taking care of the mother's cops' horses. I've been working in the stables all day. Then pull up a window and sit down. I've been working on a fur robbery case. Somebody stole a mink coat. And the mink coats are hard to identify. I'm an expert on fur, Lieutenant. You know, there's two types of mink. Male and female minks. Sam, that's a good thing to know. Yes, especially if you happen to be a mink. What about the case, Sam? Tell me. How do you like my new suit? I had to admit to Lieutenant Abbott that he had good taste for clothes. Of all the detectives in town, Abbott has the best taste for clothes. He can show a profess and tell you what kind of gravy is on it. Lieutenant Abbott, why do you always wear that big Elk's tooth with a diamond in it? What's wrong with that, Sam? Lots of men wear a big Elk's tooth with a diamond in it. In the middle of the rupper plate. This remark made Lieutenant Abbott smile. I love to see him smile. He only has two teeth. But he has the most beautiful set of gums I've ever seen. Well, Sam, you've got to admit I'm a self-made man. When I was born, I was very poor. I had nothing. Lieutenant Abbott is right. He came into this world empty-handed and he had a head-to-match. Sam, I worked hard to get where I am for 20 years. I've had my nose to the grindstone. Must have been a beaut when you started. Sam, we've got to do something about crime in this town. Every day it gets worse. I know. Only last week, the girl next door, Mary Brown had her good name ruined. Mary Brown? Mary Brown had her good name ruined? How did that happen? She married a guy named Hoop and Snotter. Hello, Sam Shubble, private detective speaking. Detective Sam Shubble? Hello, I'll be glad to take the case. How do I get to the Jones farm for my office? Well, now, let me see you. Let me see you on the Jones farm. I can't work on occasion unless I get to the Jones farm. You shouldn't drive that car so fast. I started looking for clues. Rooster looks suspicious to me. Look, he's got an axe under his left wing. I'll question him, Lieutenant. Mr. Rooster, did you kill Farmer Jones? Yes, I did. I'm going to have some real Southern Fried Farmer. Now here's your master of ceremonies, that quizzical money man of the highest rank with $1,000 or more to start tonight's bank, Burt Parks. If that introduction sounds familiar, well, it should, because that's the way ABCs break the bank long one of radio's most popular quiz shows, starts off each Friday night. One of the reasons for its popularity is Burt Parks mastery as MC, another reason stems from the fun and suspense when contestants face Burt Parks. They have the opportunity of breaking the bank for at least $1,000, and the bank has now to more than $9,000. Then, too, there's the exciting wish-ball feature where listeners 16 years or older are eligible to enter their names in a giant wish-ball. Winners receive the opportunity to break the bank years from start to finish. You'll find break the bank tops and entertain them. So listen when it's on the air tomorrow night of a most ABC station. And now back for a final word from ABC's Abbot and Costello show. Ladies and gentlemen, before Abbot and Costello return for a final word, we'd like to express our thanks to these wonderfully funny guys for the many hours of comedy they've brought to ABC Network listeners since 1947. For more than 130 consecutive weeks, they're appearing before the ABC Microphone. And now they take their first vacation. Have fun this summer, fellas. And here's hoping we'll all be hearing you soon again. All right, now, let's tell the listeners who the people are that helped out to put our show on. Yes, you're not kidding. Do you mean the people who put our show together? Tonight, they nearly tore it apart. Now, that's all the more reason why we should tell the listeners who they are. Okay, all righty, staff, set it by any form with Paul Collins, Pat Costello. Now, producer is Charles Van. And our singer is Hal Winterside. Good night, everybody. The Abbot and Costello show was produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station. This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company. Eight o'clock at KECA, AM and FM Los Angeles. Just $1 more from those who have contributed will save the Red Cross program, which otherwise might be cut back. Yes, just a little more will help save many more lives. Send another dollar to Red Cross, Los Angeles Six.