 I'm the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man, and I'm here to read the funnies to you happy boys and honeys. Yes, boys and girls, it's comic weekly time, and here I come right into your house to bring a little fun and happiness. Right out of the pages of Fuck the Comic Weekly, straight into your living room, your friend the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man. Hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello. Well, little Miss Honey, how are you today? Well, it's Christmas. No, I don't think I need you. Have you got your tree decorated yet? Yes, I think. And are you going to hang your stocking before the chimney with care? Yes, I am, and I hope that St. Nicholas will certainly be there. There's just one thing. What's that? I'm hanging. Oh? It's awfully small, so I borrowed one of my mother's. It's longer in stretches. Oh, I see. Because I might. And you certainly have to stretch your stocking to get a dollhouse inside. Yes, you would. Well, I hope you get that dollhouse. And I hope all the boys and girls get everything they want for Christmas. And I hope all the grown-ups get everything they want for Christmas. I think it's a wonderful wish. And now I wish you'd please read me the following. Fuck the Comic Weekly. Yes. Very well, I'll read that in just a moment. But before I do, let's listen to this nice man. Now, here we go with Fuck the Comic Weekly. And on the first page of the first section, under bringing up Father Beatle Bailey. Magic words for the music, please. Very well, my lady. Toot me a toot and tweet me tweedle. Squeeze out music for Bailey the Beatle. It being just a few days before Christmas, Beatle Bailey and his pal named Killer Diller are in the toy department of a store looking at all the toys. Beatle sees a small child's car with the words Fire Department written on it. He climbs into it saying, Gee, I always wanted one of these when I was a kid. Killer says, Hey, careful. Don't forget to train your broke last week. Beatle starts to get out of the car. And that's funny. I can't get my feet out. I know it. Second picture, a sales girl walks up to Beatle and says, Do you wish to purchase that truck, sir? No, I just wish to get out of it. I'm snuff. Last picture, top row. Three men who are owners of the store walk up to the sales girl. Now, what's this? When they see what's happened, they glare at the sales girl who says last picture, top row. What's funny about the confusion in my department, sir? One of the manager snaps. Turn in your Santa Claus button. You're fired. First picture, bottom row and other orders. Get the custodian up here with a crowbar and a sledgehammer. A few minutes later, a workman with crowbar is trying to get Beatle out of the car. He's been stuck good. The manager anxiously exclaims, Easy now. Don't bend that truck. Maybe we can shake it off. Up the car, turn it upside down and shake it up and down. And Beatle's head is bumped up and down on the floor. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Killer exclaims, Hey, stop, stop. I'll blind the thing. One of the manager says, We'll give you a $5 discount for the defect in it. Last picture, Beatle pedals for the door. They pass the household goods counter and Killer stops in front of it and says, Hey, how much for a can opener? A can opener? $0.59. Beatle suddenly exclaims, Hey, did you notice this bell? Oh, I don't know how much longer I can afford your friendship. Oh, yeah, big man like that getting into a child's car. Yes, and that's with a can opener when the workman couldn't do it with a crowbar. Well, I hope it works. We'll find out by next week if Beatle got out in time for Christmas. Now let's turn over the page. Oh, look on page. Yes, and remember last week he came to the cave of a druid who was a priest of an ancient religion. And the druid, Val, that he was going to show him something strange and mysterious. Yes, Val had been given a drink from a goblet and the druid priest had told Val to look to the west as he drank. I wonder what Val will see. Let's read now and find out. Here we go with Prince Valient in the days of King Arthur. Eckhart, Breckett, Grey Malkin and Quince. Music romantic for a fair, fair prince. Prince Valient grins the goblet of its sacred honey mead while the druid chants some magic rum. Val whispers a prayer as he steals himself to withstand the terrible powers of the ancient cult. As Val swallows the last drop, the last picture top row, the potent graft sets his head aworl, the blinding rays of the setting sun bewilder him, and the runic chant confuses him. He feels as if he were floating away from all reality. Only the druid's voice comes through to him faintly. And then Val sees the heavens filled with a strange sight. He sees strange guards and horses galloping across the heavens. And across the sun rides a guard and a chariot pulled by two horses. Then a huge figure of a gray-bearded man covered with frost and preceded by two bears appears. And Val hears the druid priest voice exclaim, to see is to believe. Look, there is by frost the rainbow bridge on which the guards go to and from heaven and earth. The Val carries ride to bring the souls of slain warriors to Valhalla. The sun, chariot of sol, spans the sky. In Mani the moon follows, pursued by the wolves of darkness. See, see, for the thunderer flashes across the heavens to battle the giants. See and believe for there, brooding over all, is Wotan. Then the sun sinks beyond the hills and the spell is broken. I should say it was. Val saw the very guards that the druid priest worship appear in the heavens before him. Yes, I think the druid's voice and drink must have hypnotized Val, so that as you looked into the sun, these things appeared to him. Well, next week we'll find out. Now let's turn over another page. Yes, recovering from the wound he'd received when he rescued Marion from the cruel Prince John's castle. And then all of a sudden, Robin heard the whistling of an arrow which was the signal that someone was approaching. And even though he's still weak from his wound, he buckled on his sword and rushed out to see what might be the cause of this alarm. Here we go with a story of Robin Hood. It's merry, merry England in days long ago. Time now for Robin Hood. So music, hi-ho! Alerted by his sentinels whistling arrow, Robin hurries out to challenge a mysterious intruder at the edge of the outlaw camp. The outlaws quickly gather behind Robin, wondering if this is an attack by the sheriff of Nottingham's men. And then a knight in armor, on a brilliantly comparison horse, gallops into the clearing and rains in. Which of you is Robin Hood? Robin steps forward. I am. What seek you here? Last picture top row, Robin's men crowd behind him and fire-tuck threatens, Take off your helm or I'll knuck it about your ears. First picture bottom row, the stranger removes his helmet. The men gasp and surprise, then all kneel for it's King Richard. Robin exclaims, My Lord King Richard, forgive our rash words, King Richard dismounts. Then walks over to Robin, and last picture standing before him says, I'll forgive you and your brave woman more than that. England stands deep in debt to you. Striking Robin on the shoulder with his sword, last picture, the king says, Robin Hood, henceforth you shall be known as Robin Earl of Luxley. Arise, sir Robin. King Richard has made Robin a knight, doesn't he? That it does. When a king touches a man on the shoulder with his sword, that means he's making him a knight. And that's a great honor, isn't it? Oh, you bet it is. Oh, I'm so glad that King Richard got back to England safely, and it was just because Robin helped him. Yes, you bet it was. And I wonder if the maid married and Robin will be married next week. Well, we'll find that out next week. Now, let's turn over the page and look, here's Roy Rogers. Yes, and I'm pretending to be two outlaws, and they've joined the Sphinx's gang to see if they can find a way to capture them yet. Yes, and inside the old mission, the outlaws hide out, they discovered a girl who says her father has been captured by the outlaws. And she also told Roy that her father had said that he'd kill all the outlaws by using his dog. And it looks like a dog, isn't it? Well, let's read now and see if we can find out. Here we go with Roy Rogers, King of the Cowboys. Now, here we go with Roy and Trigger. While the outlaws search the mission for them, Roy and Brimstone, who have captured one of the outlaws, are led into a secret tunnel by the girl. Last picture top row, Brimstone pulls up a slab out of the floor of the tunnel, revealing steps leading down to a dungeon. Hey, her pop must be more than an inventor if he can kill his enemies with a dog while he's locked up. Well, let's go, Roy. They lower the outlaw down into the dungeon. First picture bottom row, they find themselves in front of a cell with an iron door. They see a man in it. The girl exclaims, Father Nancy, oh, I'm glad I told you about the secret tunnel. The Sphinx plans to kill me because I know too much. Brimstone begins to work on the lock. Hey, let me at that lock. It ain't no problem to a reformed bank robber. Roy says, we'll have you out of here proud of Mr. Fargo. Third picture bottom row, Roy unties Mr. Fargo, who says, oh, I was a fool to let the Sphinx hoodwink me into fixing up this old mission as an outlaw stronghold. He'll pay dearly for this. Last picture, the dog runs into the tunnel. Brimstone kneels as the dog comes to him and says, hey, look, this pop wants to make friends with me. Mr. Fargo exclaims, stop. Don't touch that dog. That's right. Well, I'm not sure, but if he does, he's apt to die too. I wonder what there is about that dog that makes people die when they pet him? Well, now that we've found the girl's father, maybe we'll find the answer to that next week. I hope so. Well, now I'm sure you'd like to see what's happening to Flash Gordon. Oh, I would. I would. Very well. Let's go to the very last page of the first section. And here he is. And I'll read Flash in just a moment. But first, here's that nice man again with something interesting to say. Now, here we go again with Puck the Comic Weekly. And on the last page of the first section, Flash Gordon. Magic words for the music, please. Very well, my lady. Rigger, rigger, doon, doon, sask him a task. Let's set music for Heroic Flash. A prisoner of King Stang on the planet Venus, Flash has been sent out to guard Queen Vicki, who is on a mission for the king. When their jet car broke down, they were captured by dragonbirds and carried to their nest. Flash drove the birds away, but trapped now on the high mountainside cave, they cannot escape. And now Flash sees the dragonbirds returning. He waits until the first wave of flying monsters is almost upon him. Then he squeezes the trigger and loses a rapid succession of blasts. Bird after bird is shot down. Finally, those who are following turn in fear and fly away. And Flash and Queen Vicki are safe. But they face a new menace, the bitter cold of the Venusian hills. Flash aims his gun at the rocks and pulls the trigger. Last picture, top row, he says. These rocks are rich and magnesium. I see Vicki. I've got a fire going already. Meantime, first picture, bottom row, Stang, the earth man who has become king of Venus, is cruising above the fog-swept forest searching for his lost Queen Vicki. Suddenly, far below, he spots a series of smoke puffs and wheels his craft toward their source. Vicki is the first to see Stang's plane approaching. Fearful that the tyrannical king will mistakenly suspect her of trying to help Flash escape from Venus, she hits upon a diabolical scheme. Last picture, as Stang's plane alights. Vicki snatches the flamethrower from Flash's holster and to his astonishment cries out, arrest this incident's slave, Your Majesty. He tried to kidnap me. Flash after he'd saved her life. Yes, it was. Do you think Flash will be able to make... We'll find that out next week. Now it's time to pick up the second section of Puck the Comic Weekly. Yes, and here we go with Dagwood and Blondie. Ram-a-foo, ram-a-fum, zim-zam-zombie, conjuming music for Dagwood and Blondie. Dagwood comes into the house and tells his daughter, Cookie, I've had the hiccups all day at the office, and I can't get rid of them. Cookie says, Mama and me... Give me a glass of water, quick, Cookie. Last picture, top row, Dagwood is standing on his head trying to stop his hiccups. Cookie kneels before him and holds out a glass of water. No, I can't. Dagwood tries to drink the water upside down. First picture, second row, the door opens, and Herb Woodley, Dagwood's neighbor, comes in. Yes, I know it. I heard him all the way next door. Herb picks Dagwood up and carrying him on his shoulder, staggers upstairs with him. Oh, bring me a banana, Cookie. I'll give him my killer cure treatment. Last picture, second row, Herb has Dagwood in the bathtub and has just finished peeling a banana. Now it's time to pick up the second row, and bring it back to the office. Now it's time to pick up the second row, and bring it back to the office. Now eat this banana underwater while I hold your head down for two minutes. Dagwood eats the banana underwater while Herb holds him down. First picture, third row, Herb says, I'll keep him down for three minutes to make sure. Herb, of course, assures the banana, and the three-minute cure is going to be a success. So he lets Dagwood come up. Dagwood takes one look at Herb and goes, and Herb goes, Last picture, third row, Cookie sticks her head in the bathroom. First picture, bottom row, Dagwood and Herb come into the living room. Dagwood, of course, still hiccuping. Dagwood takes one look at Blondie's hat, and instead of going, he goes, Herb takes one look at his wife's hat, and instead of going, he goes, and Dagwood picks Herb up and carries him upstairs. Dagwood says to Cookie, Mama's hat cured my hiccups, but Mrs. Woodley's hat gave him to Mr. Woodley. Dagwood takes Herb in the bathroom, rips his clothes off, dumps him in the bathtub, peels a banana, pops it in Herb's mouth, and pushes him into the water. And last picture, Dagwood holds Herb under the water, looks at the alarm clock, and says, I'll give him ten minutes to make sure. Then Dagwood sees the hat Blondie has bought, and his hiccups go away. Well, it is a kind of a homely hat, isn't it? No, they shouldn't. No more than half a minute, because we don't want anybody playing carelessly with water. That's good advice, and I hope everybody remembers that. Well, now it's time for Dick's Adventures, so let's go to the very last page of the Comic Weekly, the last page. And here is the... Yes, the year 1814, when the British and the Americans were at war with each other. And the beings have been captured by the British, and their prisoners on board one of the British ships. But Francis Scott Key, the man who wrote the Star Spangled Banner, our national anthem, had asked President Madison last week to the British under a flag of truce to arrange for an exchange of prisoners. Yes, and captured by the British. And I wonder if that doctor that he wants to get away from the British is the same doctor who's with Dick. Well, let's read now and find out. Here we go with Dick's Adventures. Say the magic words with me. Riggity-pack-a-zack-a-zack. Let's have music for Adventureless Dick. On board the British man-of-war, Dick sees the American ship flying in the flag of truce approaching. As he looks carefully, last picture top row, he can see that there are several American army officers on board the ship. Dick doesn't know that these officers are coming to seek for an exchange of prisoners that each army has captured from the other. First picture second row, Dr. Bean says to Dick, why that tall man is named Francis Scott Key, a brilliant lawyer. But Dick pays little attention to the name. And last picture second row, before anyone can stop him, Dick is shouting to the truce ship. Go back! They're going to attack Baltimore tonight! Warn our people! First picture bottom row, a British sailor nearby comes at Dick and knocks him out. Surround the Yankee ship! Now turn it! Don't let it escape! Last picture, the truce ship, possessor of a dangerous secret now is circled by a bristling enemy gun. It came to exchange prisoners, and now it and its men are suddenly prisoners themselves. Yes, he might have. Dick, who had heard, though, that the British were going to attack Baltimore thought he might be able to warn the Americans so they'd have time to prepare for the attack. Well, I'm afraid Dick forgot that and his eagerness to help. I'm afraid he forgot it, but now what'll happen to the Americans, I wonder? Well, we'll have to wait until next week to find that out. But now look, underneath Dick's adventures, there's Rusty Riley. A mean, mean man. And he's threatened to cause harm to Rusty if Rusty doesn't help him in his evil schemes. But we know that Rusty's hiding in one of the carnival trucks and in this truck was his friend Stovepipe, but Stovepipe doesn't know that Rusty is in the truck. No, because Rusty's in the back of the truck and Stovepipe's in the cab of the truck with the driver. Well, maybe though today Stovepipe will discover that Rusty is hiding in the truck. I hope so, because then Rusty will be with a good friend of the cool, cool world all by himself. Well, let's read now and find out if it happens that way. Here we go with Rusty Riley. Gallop and run till the road is dusty. Give us music for his horse and Rusty. Rusty's friend Tex has gone to the carnival trying to find Rusty, but he's been told that Rusty's not been around and that the company is moving on to another town. Now at that very moment in one of the carnival trucks many miles away on the highway Stovepipe, the man who would help Rusty is saying to the driver I am now quite convinced that I heard a dog bark back in the truck. The truck driver replies Yeah, I thought so myself for a minute but it just couldn't be. While inside the truck glass picture top roll Rusty says to his dog Flip Flip, I think they heard you. Keep quiet now, because we sure don't want to get put off way out here on the highway. First picture bottom roll Stovepipe says It's a long pool to Brownsdale. I could be persuaded to partake of a small snack. Yeah, a little jab on a piece of pie sounds good. Okay, I'll pull into the next scenery. At that moment they see a diner just ahead. The driver pulls in he gets out and Stovepipe getting out says to the driver I'll join you in a minute, my friend. But first I want to satisfy myself that there's no dog in that truck. That's a screwy idea but all right, go ahead, look. Stovepipe goes around to the rear of the truck and opens the truck door and there sees Rusty and Flip looking quite frightened. My dear young friend how do you explain your presence in this vehicle? Are you absconding or merely traveling? Please don't give me away Mr. Stovepipe I've just got to go along I'll explain everything later. Last picture Stovepipe comes into the diner and seeing the driver having a cup of coffee says Oh yes, yes, yes, you were quite right it must have been my imagination. Oh miss let me have six hamburgers on rye. The driver exclaims Six, is that your idea of a snack? Yes, it looks as though Rusty is going to have Stovepipe helping him again. Oh I'm so glad that Stovepipe didn't tell the driver that Rusty was in the truck so that Rusty's all right. We'll find out about that next week. Now that's all the time I have but before I go I want to tell you that I'm going to have a special announcement for everybody next week. A wonderful surprise. So just because you have a wonderful Christmas don't forget to listen in to the comic weekly next week to hear what this surprise is. You all love it as much as anything that's ever happened on the comic weekly. And now let's wish everybody a merry Christmas. Merry Christmas everybody! Now that's all the time I have but before I go, here's that nice fellow with some more interesting information. Well honey and all your boys and girls I gotta go now. Okay that's a date and a date with all your boys and girls. Be sure to meet me with our little friend Miss Honey next week when I read Puck the Comic Weekly. Man the Jolly Comic Weekly Man. I'll be back to read the funnies to you happy boys and honey. Don't forget boys and girls see you all next week. Your friend the Comic Weekly Man the Jolly Comic Weekly Man.