 The world is a scary place to be, y'know, we got stuff like the Mariana Trench just existing, y'know, there's this bottomless pit of darkness and evil, y'know, we got mountains that bust hot liquids over the land and just burns the skin off of people's flesh, and everyone's just okay with it. Just living their day-to-day lives. Like, like, well, the world is some bullshit. It is a terrible place. Like, like, damn, Jesus, damn a lot, you can put us on Mars or some shit? I mean, like, yeah, there's no water there. We'd probably die almost instantly from the lack of oxygen, but at least we'd be able to fuck some Martians. But y'know what? If growing up has taught me anything, it's to be grateful. Yeah, be grateful. Be grateful for your garbage-ass living conditions just cause there's someone else in the world that probably has it worse than you. But I've started thinking for a long time. Fuck that. There's no one in the world that's had it worse than me. Hey, but these cats, they're people starving in Thurber- Ah, shut up! I don't want to hear it. I get it. They're starving. They're dying, right? But guess what? I used to play on old Xbox Live. Yeah, bro. You heard me right. Old Xbox Live. I can just smell the toxicity. Now, back in the day, you could actually get free PTSD medication and therapy if you told them you had an Xbox Live account. Now, when Microsoft first made Xbox Live, they thought it'd be this efficient, team-play-enabling mechanic that everyone would use professionally. That never happened. You see, classic Xbox Live consisted of three groups of people. Kids, teenagers, and then my favorite group, broken and angry middle-aged men whose life dreams evaporated because they spent too much time with their addiction and yelling at kids over a video game. The kids, let's say age 8 to 12, right? They weren't so bad. You know, they either spoke nonstop, only spoke whenever they died or got a headshot and they wanted the entire team to know. You know, like at first, it's pretty cute. But after a while, it gets pretty... It gets pretty... Shut the fuck up! Shut up, you stupid kid! Shut up! Damn! I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, man. I know you're excited. I'm excited too, man. Woohoo! Yeah, but please, shut up! The teenagers, on the other hand, that was a completely different story. You know, these teens had to have come equipped with an N-word manifesto, the N-word almanac. The monetize. The monetize. The monetize. It's like their dad told them, son, I need you to call 100 people online. The monetize. So I'm going to beat your mom. It didn't matter if you were white, black, Hispanic, half-marshan, they had plenty enough to hand out. And it's kind of ironic, though, because these teenagers, you know, as toxic and edgy as they were, were usually actually pretty good at the game. You know, usually they'd be the ones carrying, since a lot of them had parents that would just toss video games at them. It's like a pacifier to keep them quiet. They'd have some ridiculous 21.7 KDA in first-person shooters. They'd be like 12th prestige, even though the game just came out like four days ago. So, you know, a lot of the issues that they had weren't really the fault of their own, but their parents allowed the internet to raise their child. The middle-age group. Possibly the worst out of all three. Wait, wait a minute. What am I saying? Possibly. The guaranteed worst out of the three. They usually got on at around 1 to 3 a.m. after doing graveyard shift at whatever dead-end job they had. You could usually hear them arguing in the background with either their mom or their landlord, because they were late on rent money. They probably hadn't showered in like five weeks, and the way I know that is because you could usually smell the stench through the headset that you were wearing. And their entire existence on Xbox Live was to be a plague. A plague that projects all the insecurities and emotional distress on the kids that just wanted to play their favorite game online with other people. Oh, you just got Modern Warfare 2 for your birthday, little kid? Oh, you just joined the lobby and there's someone named XXShadowKillerXX, and he just came home from a long night of work. Oh, did XXShadowKillerXX see you die to someone else on the enemy team? Unfortunate. Listen, kid. Listen. I swore on everything. If we lose because of you and my Katie average traps, I'm gonna eat you. I'm gonna eat you, shit you up, feed you to your family, and then eat them! Shake them out and then shove them up my ass! Do you understand me? Bro, you're really talking to a kid like that? You're a grown man! This isn't even ranked! Look how you can't show that it's not ranked! He's still messing with my Katie! If he wants to be a newbie, I got a headshot! I got a headshot! Look, look! This kid got a headshot! I don't know how to act like me! And then, while all of this is happening, for some reason, you got that either Hispanic or Indians thing that has his mom vacuuming in the background. Hey, hey, hey! Can you turn that down? Hey, hey, whoa, whoa! Can you turn that down? I hope our Honda Civic don't crash!