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Next time you suffer from the pain of a headache, neuritis, or neuralgia, don't wait for relief, try Anderson. You'll be delighted with these tablets' incredibly fast actions. Try Anderson on this guarantee. If the first few Anderson tablets do not give you all the relief you want as fast as you want it, return the unused portion and your money will be refunded. All drug counters have Anderson in handy boxes of 12 and 30 tablets and economical family size bottles of 50 and 100. I'll repeat the name for you, Anderson, A-N-A-C-I-N. Most female teachers at Madison High School think of Mr. Boynton, the bashful biologist, as an extremely handsome, virile, irresistible individual. But Armist Brooks, who teaches English there, can take him with a grain of salt. In fact, I could take him with a whole spoonful. But why waste salt on a fellow who's too shy to toss in a little pepper now and then? Last Friday at breakfast, I foolishly provoked a discussion of the matter with my landlady. Honestly, Mrs. Davis, he's more attentive to his animals. Why, yesterday, he hardly noticed me because he took his dog to school for the day. It doesn't make sense. No, it doesn't. What can a dog learn in one measly day? Serves me right for mentioning it. May I have some toast, please? Here you are, dear. It's like I've always said, if dogs could learn things as quickly as cats, this would be a much better world to live in. For whom? No, I'm serious. Take our cat, Minerva. For the past week, I've been teaching her mathematics, and she's become a whiz at it. Mathematics? Guess you wait and see. Minerva! Tell me quickly now, how much is two and two? Ah, that's a good girl. Well, I'll gather up the dishes now. Just a minute. Two and two equals meow? Certainly. There are four letters in meow, aren't there? That's her way of telling me that the answer is four. Two meows equal eight. Three meows equal twelve and so on. Oh, it's funny, though. She isn't so hot on the odd numbers. Look, Mr. Davis, I started this conversational maze with the simple statements that Mr. Boynton brought his dog to school yesterday. Well, Connie, then it's simple. What simple? You should do something to show Mr. Boynton how much you love animals. Like what? Well, why don't you take Minerva to school with you today? Oh, let's not be ridiculous, Mrs. Davis. I couldn't possibly take Minerva to... Well, come to think of it, Mr. Boynton is extremely fond of cats. It might make a hit at that. Do you think she'd behave herself in my classroom? Of course she would. She can stretch out on the seat cushion I ordered for your classroom. Seat cushion? You mentioned how trying it is, sitting on that hard chair all day. So I thought I'd surprise you. Oh, that's very sweet of you, Mrs. Davis. Oh, don't mention it. I mailed a letter last night telling the store where to send it, along with another note to the place where I ordered Victor's gift. Your brother Victor? Yes. He's every bit as fond of animals as Mr. Boynton is. That's why I bought one for him yesterday. Oh, that's nice, Mrs. Davis. What did you get him? A cow. A cow? Yes. It's a female. Those are the best times. But why on earth would you like... Did you just moved into a little farmhouse on the edge of town, Connie? It's only a 15-minute drive from here. By and by, he'll be adding more livestock, of course. But right now, with just the one cow, I figured he'd have his hands full. Well, if he plays his cards right. Well, I'd better dash off to school, Mrs. Davis. I'll have to use all my powers of persuasion to get Mr. Conklin's permission to take Minerva into class with me. All right, dear. Just put Minerva into this valise I bought for her at the pet shop. It's a cat carrier. You might leave the lid open for her, though. Oh, that won't be necessary. There are holes in the side through which she can breathe. In you go, Minerva. Here, I'll give you a hand. Meow. Oh, that's what I like about Minerva. She's so polite. Whenever you help her out, she always says for. You may be principal of this school, Osgood Conklin, but as long as I am head of the Board of Education, you will take orders from me. Is that clear? Quite clear, Mr. Stone. Crystal clear. Couldn't be clearer. You are also... Silence! Silence lifts us to you. Why, when I saw that dog running loose outside the biology lab yesterday, I was shocked beyond words. You know that animals aren't allowed on school property, Osgood. How did it get in here? Answer me. Well, I haven't the slightest idea, sir. Well, let's make certain that no dogs invade this school today. First, you will make an early inspection tour of all classrooms. Then I want you to post a guard at the front door throughout the day. But, sir, why commission someone to do a job for which I, myself, am ideally suited? I'll keep a weather eye open, sir. You may be sure no animal will get past me. Knock, knock, knock. Come in. Good morning, Mr. Conklin. Oh, hello, Mr. Stone. Good morning, Ms. Brooks. Are you, uh, going somewhere? Going somewhere? Oh, this belief. If I may ask your permission, Mr. Conklin. Permission for what? Well, you'll see as soon as I open the bag. It'll just take me a minute. Excuse me, Mr. Stone. You're right here. Glad you dropped in, Ms. Brooks. Perhaps you can shed some light on the identity of the culprit who dared to bring an animal into this school yesterday. An animal, Mr. Stone? Specifically, a dog. When I saw it romping around outside the biology lab, I came in here to report the incident to Mr. Conklin. When I returned to the spot, it had vanished. Good. Some of those spots stay on forever. I'm afraid I can't be of much help to you, Mr. Stone. You see, mine is an English class, and I'm not one of those who is, who are, I should say, in the habit of hanging around other labs. The labs of others, I mean, so I couldn't really shed any light on the identity of which the dog belonged to who. Who? And exactly how long have you had this English class, Ms. Brooks? You bet. Well, please forgive my faulty syntax, Mr. Stone. The thought of a beast on the premises has frazzled my nerves a bit. Well, goodbye now. One moment. You were going to open that bag, remember? Bag? What bag? Oh, the bag! Oh, well, you really wouldn't want to look at what's in this bag, sir. It's nothing but... What was that? I said, I'll run along now, and meow. Meow, that's the new expression some of the kids use. It's real cool, I think. Meow. Meow. Instead of saying goodbye, they say meow. Silly, isn't it? Sometimes I stretch it out with a little weapon draw. Well, meow now, Mr. Stone. Meow, Mr. Conklin. Now, that was mighty peculiar behavior. She galloped out of here like a frightened antelope. Yes, and it's my guess that, right now, she and her western drawl are loping over to the old bunkhouse in Mr. Boynton's lab. Howdy. Please sit down, Mr. Boynton. We've got a little palaverine to do. Well, can it wait, Ms. Brooks? I was just on my way to the cloakroom to feed Geraldine. Geraldine? You know, my dog. She's a boxer. And if Mr. Conklin drops in, she'd better come out fighting. That's what I came to warn you about. Warn me? Yes, he's on an anti-animal kick. Mr. Stone happened to see Geraldine in the hall yesterday, and he was furious. Luckily, he doesn't know who her owner is yet. Gosh, I guess I should have asked Mr. Conklin's permission. But there's little chance of my dog being discovered in here, Ms. Brooks. Mr. Stone rarely comes into my lab. The same goes for Mr. Conklin. Oh, well, then maybe my cat can hide out here for the day. Your cat? Yeah, I'll let her out of the bag. I certainly wouldn't want Mr. Conklin to find out I'm a cat wrestler. Out you come, Minerva. You won't mind taking care of her for me, will you, Mr. Boynton? Oh, not at all. Come here, baby. Alrighty. I'm crazy about cats, Ms. Brooks. Why, the minute I see one, I can't resist nestling it in my arms and stroking its little head. Mrs. Davis ordered a seat cushion sent to my class today, Mr. Boynton. I'll bring it over so that Minerva can stretch out in comfort. Oh, that'll be dandy. I saw Mrs. Davis at the movies last night, and she told me about her brother Victor's farmhouse, and that she's buying him a cow. I just love cows, don't you? Madly. Oh, I love all animals, Mr. Boynton. You know, sometimes I get to thinking about my childhood days on Dad's farm, Ms. Brooks. Oh, I miss those days a lot. I hope Victor asks me out to his farm someday. We can both go out someday. Some night, I mean. Some night when Victor isn't home. We can stroll in the meadow, hand-in-hand with the moonlight pouring down. Oh, that sounds pretty thrilling. Do you think Victor would let me milk his cows? We can both milk her. You take the left side, and I'll take the right side. I'll be homogenized before you. Oh, great. Speaking of milk has evidently whipped up Minerva's appetite. Steady Minerva. Mr. Conklin. I hope you'll forgive this intrusion, Boynton. I just dropped into... Oh, hello, little pussycat. I say I just dropped in to make certain there are no dogs in here. I suspect you, Boynton, but I just thought I'd take a look around. Well, I don't see any dogs on the premises. No dogs at all. Sorry to trouble you. I'll just run along now, and hello, little pussycat! I have it. Let's all place your aid. I mean, there's still a few minutes before first class, so just for kicks. That will do. Out with it now. To whom does this cat belong? Cat? What cat? Oh, the pussycat. It's quite a pussycat, isn't it? Silky. It's a girl cat, no doubt. Mr. Boynton and I hadn't noticed her. Oh, that's right. She must have strayed in, sir. Nonsense. Miss Brooks, I'm beginning to understand those phantom meows I heard in my office. Now then... What are you doing to the cat's collar, Mr. Conklin? I'm removing it, Miss Brooks. It'll be an easy matter to determine the person who owns her by simply checking the number on this license tag. That person needless to say is a dead duck. Goodbye, Boynton. Meow now, Miss Brooks. Meow now. I don't quite understand that, Miss Brooks. That's a farewell expression the kids use. Meow? That's merely the cry of a cat. So it is. Well, quack quack, Mr. Boynton. Quack quack. That's the cry of a dead duck. Friends, when you suffer torturous pain from rheumatism, muscle strain, or backache, you want relief fast. That's the time to reach for heat, H-E-E-T. Heat, the liniment that's strong yet does not burn. The moment you apply it, you can feel heat soothing warmth working to relieve your painful miseries. That's because heat penetrates deep, brings immediate relief to sore, aching muscles. Wherever you ache, just brush on heat. Heat penetrates deep, keeps working for hours to bring wonderful soothing comfort to the painful aching area. Your pain seems to disappear. Heat isn't oily, sticky, or messy. You just brush on heat with a handy applicator that comes with each bottle and it dries in seconds. So remember, when pain of rheumatism, muscle strain, or backache makes you miserable, heat's penetrating warmth gives you fast, long-lasting relief. Get heat, H-E-E-T, heat, the liniment that penetrates deep to bring immediate relief. Having heard nothing from Mr. Conklin during my morning classes, I presumed that he had not as yet traced the number on Minerva's license tag. As I left my classroom for lunch, however, the figure of a sentry armed with a BB rifle loomed up before me. Hope? Step forward and be recognized. It's me, Mr. Conklin. Oh, step back and be unrecognized. Aye, aye, sir. And so, having been honorably discharged, I hiked down to the school cafeteria and ordered chow. It was then that Walter Denton beckoned me to his table. Over here, Miss Brooks, will thou not visit me? The plant beside me feels thy gentle dew and every blade of grass I see from thy deep earth its quickening moisture drew. I ordered meatballs. What have you got? It's the same. I guess you didn't care for that bit of poetry I quoted, huh, Miss Brooks? You guessed right, Walter. Well, how do you like this one? You never have let the cat from the bag if you knew Mr. Conklin would grab her tag. You're either psychic or a sneak. How'd you find out I'm up the creek? Oh, that's a very provocative question, Miss Brooks. You will recall that shortly before first class this morning, our beloved principal invaded Mr. Boynton's lab and trapped you dead to rights with your furry friend. With two furry friends? Mr. Boynton lost his razor. Well, at that time I happened to be standing in the hall just outside the lab, and presently I heard excitement laden voices wafted through the transom. Now, that was a moment of great decision for me, Miss Brooks. I could have either hewed to the path of dishonor by remaining in the hall and eavesdropping, or I could have taken the glorious avenue of decency by closing my ears and leaving the scene. Well? Yeah, I took the dirty road out. Poor Shane. But you still don't know all the details, Walter. The old contrarer, Miss Brooks. I was about to say that some minutes later I confronted Mr. Boynton with the juicy morsels I had overheard, informed him that I should like to be acquainted with all the facts, and requested that he sing. And he sang? Ezio Pinza would have envied him. Well, this is no laughing matter, Walter. When Mr. Conklin traces Minerva's license tag, he didn't have time to trace it this morning, Miss Brooks, and it's too late now. Here is a little gift as a token of my esteem. Walter, it's the tag. How did you get it? Like I said, Miss Brooks, I'm pretty perfidious at times. When Mr. Conklin left his office for a few moments, I sneaked in, made off with the tag, and ever since then he's been flipping his lid wondering what happened to it. But that stealing, that's a dreadful thing to do, Walter, and thanks a million. You're entirely welcome. Only one thing worries me, Miss Brooks. Since Mr. Conklin can't establish ownership, he'll probably confiscate your cart and send her to the pound. Oh, no, we can't let that happen to Minerva. Somehow we've got to spring her. I have an idea, Walter. You've got to sneak her out of the biology lab through the window and then take her to Mrs. Davis' brother's farmhouse. It's only a 15-minute drive from here, so you can report back to me in my classroom before the end of lunch period. Check. I know a shortcut to the farmhouse, Miss Brooks. I helped Victor move some furniture in there before yesterday. Oh, oh, before I go, I'd better stop at the steam table and get Minerva some milk. That won't be necessary. If Minerva wants milk, why get it now? She'll get it at the farm direct from the cow. Armistooks will return in a moment. CBS News has always attempted to keep up with your need to know, as months of international tension have lengthened out into years, as America's position of world leadership has moved it into the forefront of decision and action on a global scale, CBS News has remained on the job with eyewitness observers in every strategic world capital. And CBS News has continued to build its reporting core as well as its observing staff. Today, America listens most to the evening news broadcasts of four great newsmen every Monday through Friday evening on most of these same stations. These men are Lowell Thomas, noted world traveler and lecturer. Edward R. Murrow, dean of CBS News, recipient of numerous awards for his reporting, his integrity, his courage in world events. Douglas Edwards, one of America's most popular voices for CBS News. And Robert Trout, for years still another great name in CBS News. Tomorrow and every weekday evening, listen for each of these renowned reporters broadcasting world news at the star's address. After Walter promised to sneak Minerva out of school to Victor's farm, the only problem remaining was what to do about Mr. Boynton's dog. In my classroom shortly afternoon, I told Mr. Boynton what Walter had done. Well, I doubt that he'll get back here before the end of lunch period, Miss Brooks. It's almost one o'clock now. Excuse me, Mr. Boynton. I want to seal a little peek into the hallway. Hmm, no sentry. Mr. Conklin apparently ducked out for a bite. Now's your chance to get rid of your dog. Oh, I've already taken care of that. I simply lowered Geraldine out the window and told her to go home. She'll be lying on the doorstep waiting for me after school, Miss Brooks. You see, she's been trained. No matter where she is, she knows how to get to my apartment house. So do I, but what good does it do? Hiya, folks. I got your cat to the farm, okay, Miss Brooks? Nice work, Walter. Did you turn her over to Mrs. Davis? Not exactly. She was out shopping when I got there. But I left my nerve with her brother Victor as soon as he got through with the delivery man. Delivery man? Yeah. Some guy was delivering a seat cushion. What? But that cushion was supposed to be delivered to my classroom. Good old absent-minded, Mrs. Davis. Miss Brooks? Yes? A sign here. For what? For this. Wait a minute, Mr. This is a cow. You've got good eyes, lady. We'll give you the bucket free. Gosh, a real cow. I haven't milked a cow in 14 years. Hand me that bucket, Walter. Oh, no you don't. This is no time to improve your handshake. And listen, Mr. My landlady evidently got confused. There's been a dreadful mistake, but you'll simply have to take back this cow. Well, I'm sorry, lady. That'll take a separate order, and our company's jammed up for the day. Give them a call, though. Maybe we can take her tomorrow. Well, you've got to be reasonable. You can't leave a cow here overnight. This is a public school under the supervision of the federal government. Let's keep politics out of this. I'm gonna be gone now, so long, lady. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I just caught a glimpse of Mr. Conklin and his daughter Harriet coming up the school steps. What'll we do? Mr. Boyden, cut that out. Sorry, I lost my head. Now look in the bucket. No silly cat or dog is going to get past me today. Boy, you sure are going to get a surprise from some silly cow. Not if I can help it. Quick, close the door. Now listen carefully, Walter. I want you to stay here with the cow and see that absolutely no one enters this classroom. Then after school's over, when the century leaves, we can escape with the cow. Okay, Miss Brooks, you can depend on me. What can I do to help, Miss Brooks? Just hand me that valise. The other one! Steady girls, steady. You're in good hands. Ten after three, Walter. As soon as Miss Brooks gets back, we can... Who goes there? A friend. I'm unarmed. Wait till I pull the chair away from the door. Hi, Miss Brooks. See anybody in the hall? Just Harriet Conklin. She was on her way to a dramatics club meeting. I saw Mr. Conklin getting into his car, so now's our chance to make the break. You men bring up the rear. We girls will lead the way. Come along, bossy. Now keep your eyes peeled, Walter. You too, Mr. Boynton. If you see anybody... Holy smoke! Quick, push her in here. I'll open the door. Quick, Walter! No time to explain him. You go, bossy. Come on. In, in, in, in, in, in. All right, Walter. Now would you mind explaining what we and the strange cow are doing in Mr. Conklin's office? Well, I just saw Harriet Conklin coming down the stairs. Ah, but we're safe in here. She never comes into Mr. Conklin's office when he isn't around. Ah, quick thinking, Walter. I forgot something in my office, Harriet. Oops, he's around. Earth is going on in there. Come on, soon find out. That's the cow into the closet. Hurry. Come on, bossy. Back, come back. All the way. That's it. That's it. Now, she'll only stay quiet until Mr. Conklin. Miss Brooks, Boynton, Denton, what are you doing here? Well, sir, we were just moon of Manakura. I demand to know what you are doing in my office. Well, sir, we were just... Is the song fest over now? All right, Mr. Conklin, somehow I feel more coming on. I'm in the moon. Simply because you're... Oh, shut up! I'm a herd of sick cattle. For the last time, what are you doing here? Well, sir, we just dropped in to say goodbye on our way home. I left here five minutes ago, but I forgot my hat. I'll get it out of the closet and we can all go together. What an awful way to go. Oh, surely you don't need a hat on such a lovely day, sir. Why not skip the closet? Step aside, Miss Brooks. Yes, sir. Take it easy. Take it easy. I just want to get my hat. Let me take a second. Seems to be on the floor. I can just reach it. I've got it now. I'm sorry. Now, if I... Pardon me again, please. Will one of you kindly tell me that I didn't see what I just saw in that closet? You've had a rough day on sentry duty, sir. Overwork very often causes one's mind to play tricks that are... Oh, yes, yes, of course. It's absurd. I'm convinced the whole thing was a mirage. Notwithstanding the indisputable fact that my hat here, as you can plainly see, is half filled with cream. Just to reassure myself, however, I'd like to take another look in the closet. This time you will follow me, Miss Brooks. Oh, it's rather late, Mr. Conklin. Let's do it in the morning. You'll follow me now, Miss Brooks. And I do mean now. Yes, sir. Ms. Brooks starring E. Martin Crass-Crobb is used to be directed by Larry Burns, written by Joe Quillen and Al Lewis, with the music of Lud Bluster. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, Joseph Kearns, Joel Samuels, and Billy Gould. Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks.