 Men need this from a woman to fully commit. Now, let me just be clear, this is actually men and women need this from each other to fully commit, but since my audience is women, we'll direct it this way. Now, I'm gonna dive right into this really quickly and I wanna differentiate between men in their 20s and 30s versus those men in their 40s, 50s, 60s and even 70s, because there's a big difference for those of us in midlife. So, men in their 20s and 30s, if they genuinely want to get married and start a family with someone, then those men are oftentimes looking for a wife, okay? Now, when I say looking for a wife, they're looking for someone that they can marry and raise children with. So, they have both of them should have a, not should, if they both desire starting a family and raising a family, they have a common goal with one another. And so, when they're actively in the dating marketplace, they view a relationship from this premise of can this person be a good husband or wife? Can this person be a good father or mother to my children? And they're also working in a container, most likely, they're probably a blank sheet of paper to some degree. And what I mean to say, they don't have much of a life yet. So, when they come together, they can build a life together, centered around starting a family and raising children. And most 20 and 30-year-olds, if they desire that, have this shared vision, this shared experience. This is where it gets tricky for men over 40, 50, 60, and even 70, and I should say men and women alike, is that in many cases, remember I talked about a blank sheet of paper? Well, two people usually come together with a full sheet of, they've got a lot of stuff written down in their life and the challenge is not only to blend together, but more importantly, what is their shared passion? What is their shared passion? I think one of the differences between casual relationships and serious relationships is that they have a shared passion with one another. I want you to really think about this because it's not about raising children. That's not the shared passion. It's not about building a home together, most likely people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, they have a separate home, they have separate lives. And in many cases, in many cases, those relationships don't work out because they can't even blend their lives together. I want you to really think about this. This is a critically important thing to consider in the dating marketplaces. This person has a full life, this person has a full life. How are we going to blend this together? You see, we operate from assumption that attraction and chemistry equals relationship success. And what I've observed over the last almost two decades of doing this, that what's important is that compatibility piece of shared values, shared vision. It's shared passion. The ability to blend lives together. This is critically important. And lastly, the emotional maturity and relationship skills to actually make a relationship thrive. So let's think of some shared passions you may want to consider. And I wrote these down. And I think for some couples, or for some men and women, it might be a passion for travel. I know so many people, especially in midlife, have this strong passion for travel. I remember my mother growing up had a strong passion for travel. And yet my father wasn't able to do that with her. Now, they had a shared passion of raising children and they had some other shared passions that go beyond this. But my mother found travel as being one of her outlets. And my father had his own outlets as well. But they also built a life together before they got to this stage. This is where it's tricky. So let's say one person has a real passion for travel and the other person doesn't. That could be a complication, possibly. But I've noticed today in midlife, there seems to be some other shared passions that are worth exploring. I think one of them today is pickleball. I've noticed pickleball exploding in the midlife genre, if you will. Kind of the, is it the easier version of tennis? I can tell you, I played pickleball and it was work. But certainly those that have something like pickleball, a sport that they actually like to do together. Maybe they like to do stand-up paddleboard together. Maybe they like to sail together. Maybe they like to go horseback riding together. Maybe they like to play golf together. Having a shared passion helps to solidify and strengthen a relationship from a long-term perspective. What about things like taking care of grandkids? I know a couple that one of their passions is, I think the man has four grandchildren and the woman has one grandchild. And this is a couple in their mid-60s. No, I think he's mid-60s and she's early 60s. But one of their shared passions is spending time with the grandkids. Now this is tricky for a lot of midlife folks because some people don't have grandchildren. And when one person has grandchildren and the other person doesn't, sometimes that can be a problematic circumstance. Again, remember we talked about blending lives is critically important. So as we dive a little bit deeper, I think one shared passion I've noticed for a lot of couples is dance. Whether it's West Coast swing, East Coast, is there an East Coast swing? I know there's a West Coast swing. There's salsa, there's ballroom dancing, there's a variety, there's exotic dance. I know, I personally know of a couple that they're married now and that's one of their shared passions. For some people, it might be their business. I know for some couples, they actually have a shared business together. And that passion allows to solidify and potentially strengthen the relationship. For some couples, it might be music. I know for a lot of couples, it's drinking. I know a couple of couples in particular, they are heavy drinkers. I should be a little kind. Well, some hard alcohol and then there's wine connoisseurs as well. But that's kind of an interesting thing. I admire those wine connoisseurs because I have a passion for wine and I am not a connoisseur. When I say I have a passion, I do like wine but I'm just not good at knowing all the little intricacies about wine. I think for some couples, it's politics. That seems to be a big shared passion and for others, it's religion and spirituality. And for some couples, it's also personal development, self-help work as well. So having these shared passions really helps to strengthen a relationship. And why I'm bringing this to your attention because these days I've observed many couples are entering into casual relationships. And casual relationships serves a purpose of entertaining one another. It's all about entertaining one another. And what happens is eventually you get bore, you get burnt out of entertaining and then the relationship doesn't have any roots. It doesn't have any meat to it. Now you might think shared passion is entertainment, but no, shared passion is also, when you have a shared passion, it's something that you can talk about. It's something that you explore and expand and get into the nooks and crannies of why we do this. And when I talk about entertainment, I'm simply talking about just going out to dinners. And for some people, it's just killing time because what I've also observed in shared passions is that there's a desire to talk about it in a more intimate way. See, the real, the relationships that stand the test of time also have something critically important and that is intimacy. And I don't mean physical intimacy. I'm talking about emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is like the glue, it's like the glue between two blocks of wood, right? That's the glue that keeps a couple together is emotional intimacy. And what shared passion does is invites the conversations to have emotional intimacy with one another. And this isn't a guarantee. I know a couple that their shared passion was Netflix and binge. But what that really was, was a distraction from their lack of intimacy. See, they would watch the shows and talk about it, but they weren't talking about their relationship as well. And so I'm taking this shared passion to the next level. It's not just about the doing with each other, it's about being with each other and more importantly, sharing from the heart how you feel about this other person in relationship. I will tell you, I've observed so many couples that don't have the ingredients for a healthy, happy relationship. And I'm gonna share with you a couple right now. And they're the four A's, the four A's. That is attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance. Attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance. See, attention means that you're giving your full attention to a person. And ideally that's what I say possibly because this isn't true for everyone, that a shared passion is giving each other attention in the doing of something together. But more importantly, it's when you're not doing things together is to be attentive to one another, to be present. That's what that means. Affection, oh my God, if you're not familiar with the five love languages. Here's the copy of the book from Gary Chapman. Physical touch is an important component, but not just the physical intimacy with a person, but affection is just kind of that warm fuzzy when two people can hold hands with one another or put their arm around one another or more importantly, hug one another. You know, the power of a hug, a 10 second hug probably takes a day off, allows you to live a day longer in life. There is so much power to a hug. And yet so often I witness couples that are really in their separate corners. And yeah, they connect with physical intimacy or sex, but they're not doing the kinder, gentler things. I don't know if you're like me, but I love spooning. I love spooning. I like the feeling, the affection that comes from spooning. And certainly cuddling your partner, hugging your partner is a way to build the deeper roots of commitment with one another, attention, affection, appreciation. Oh my gosh, you know, there's this belief that when you're a part, you miss a person and when you miss a person, you want to be with them. In fact, there are a lot of coaches teaching techniques that you keep separation from one another so that they can miss you. You're going, why is this relate to appreciation? You see, I believe the stronger relationship doesn't come from a place of fear. See, missing someone to me is a basis of fear. See, I believe that the stronger relationships have appreciation for one another. They are grateful that they're in each other's lives. Real gratitude. You know, I'm here to encourage that a relationship that expresses gratitude and appreciation on a regular basis is a relationship you wouldn't want to lose. Now I recognize ladies, for many of you, this is hard because you're with men who are emotionally constipated. They're emotionally stifled. They're emotionally guarded, particularly avoidant personalities or love attachment styles. I get it, this is critically hard. And the only thing you can do is lead by example and some people, you can lead by example and they still won't come to the table. Appreciation is one of the most critical factors for a solid commitment with one another and coming back to shared passions is that you appreciate doing these things together. You want to do it with this partner. Hopefully that is the case. And lastly, acceptance. You know, there's an old saying, men marry women hoping they don't change and women marry men hoping they do change. I think that illustrates, now, I think that's mostly related to their physical body or something, or their, well, actually, no, that's true. I think for men it's like the idea that it's the physical body of the woman and for a woman it's the emotional IQ of a man, but what that illustrates is a lack of accepting a person. Now that doesn't mean you accept bad behavior. No, never accept bad behavior. The purpose of a boundary and standards is to establish what's okay and what's not okay for you, but the same time accepting the idiosyncrasies of a person. Believe me, I'm no picnic to live with, folks. I have my own peculiarities and idiosyncrasies. I say things that come out of my mouth sometimes, gosh, even the things that come out of my mouth on this channel, you know? And what I mean to say is sometimes I communicate unconsciously. There, I said it. Sometimes I communicate unconsciously. Makes me human, and at the same time I want a partner to accept that sometimes I say stupid things, not because I meant to hurt someone, it's just sometimes, you know, I'm gonna go off on a tangent here. Now I grew up bullied, I grew up beaten up. I had kids in the playground that were really mean to me. And as a way to cope with that, I tried to make friends with everybody. And trying to make friends, I did whatever I could to make friends because I felt so alone and outcasted. And which turned me into a people pleaser as adult. And whenever someone doesn't like me, it hurts me deeply. Because it brings me back to that little kid that was beaten up, that was bullied, that was shamed for being different. And I know you all can relate in one way or another. So I wanna be accepted for sometimes I just say stupid things not because I'm a stupid person, not because I'm an insensitive person. It's because I have some deep wounds. And I've worked hard to forgive myself, to forgive the adult in me. And at the same time, I'm human just like you. I make mistakes, I have foibles, I have faux pas, I make grammatical errors continuously. Some people don't realize how hard it is to do stream of consciousness. But the same of videos like this. At the same time, I'm not asking you to accept me. But what I'm hoping is for you and any partner in your life that you can be accepted for being a human, for being flawed, for having peculiarities. So bringing it back to this topic. What do men need from a woman to fully commit? And what I mean to say is what do couples need from each other? I'm here to say in the context of this video, a shared passion with one another, shared passion. And if you don't have it, then create it with one another because it seems to me, and I want you to think about this for a moment with those couples that got married in their 20s and 30s and had children. Those children leave the home and you know what happens to empty nesters? Because they didn't build a shared passion together with one another, it was all focused on the children. Those relationships seem to dissolve for a variety of reasons. But I'm here to say you know, raising kids alone isn't enough. There needs to be something more. And if you're in your 40s, 50s and 60s, it's critically important to be aware of this right now because if you're not building a foundation for the relationship and the relationship is a separate entity from the you, the me, there's a we that's a separate entity. I'll be interviewing someone that's gonna talk about the couple bubble and creating that separate bubble for one another. And I believe shared passion is a great start to do that. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. If it is, I'd like you to post a comment below, share your thoughts. I wanna hear if you have any additional suggestions. Also, if you like this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. All right, since this is my live stream, if you have a question, post a question in the chat box, write the word question and post the question thereafter or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. All the monies from, and there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of them right there in the obey shirt. He's my son who passed away five years ago and his honor I donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute and Seeds of Love to just to name a few places that I like to donate. All right, so again, hit that dollar sign and let's try to get $50 today to donate. We've been doing really good and I would really appreciate your support. Oh, and if you wanna join me on the live stream, there's a link right here. You can join me on the hot seat and we can chat. Leafs wants to let us know. Bullying and people pleasing is a recipe for disaster but it takes decades to figure that out. A lot of us and our children have been there. Being immigrants when we were young even was worse than now. Yeah, you know, being of immigrant, like I felt so different growing up because and I'm sure there were other kids as well. I remember the Japanese kids across the street from me, Michael Tonai and God, I can't remember his brother but I remember it just felt different because like everybody felt like a wasp, okay? When I say felt like a wasp, I mean, it was just that's what it felt like for me. I just felt, I meant to say I felt different than every other kid. You know, I frequently talk about childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas. And sometimes when we think of childhood wounds, we think of what our parents did. But I will tell you, we experience, most kids experience some significant wounds in the environment of the other children that they were with. Not it. I'll give you an example, I remember kindergarten. I remember it was at third grade. I remember there was a new kid in school. God, I wish I could remember his name. The teacher asked me to befriend him and I remember he was a little bit stout and she said, you know, Jonathan, can you befriend this kid? He was a new kid in school. By the way, I'll get to a point how this relates to relationships in a moment. And because he was getting picked on and I made a conscious choice to hang out with him. And I remember he used to draw the Star Trek part. He drew kind of cartoons and we would hang out together and he would teach me how to draw the Starship Enterprise, you know, and I was like, and I really liked this kid. I mean, somehow we separated at some point in our lives. But my point in bringing this up is, you know, many of us feel alone. I mean, many of us feel alone. I have spoken to so many women in the dating marketplace that truly feel alone. They don't have a strong network of friends. They don't have solid family background and they are doing life, especially women in their 30s and 40s are doing life by themselves, women that don't have children. And I see this as a sad escalation. I think we're gonna see a significant number of, I think the number of single people is increasing exponentially, particularly those going through divorce. And by the way, I should have mentioned that with the 40, 50 and 60 year old category, many of those folks are divorced. But we have a very lonely population that is hurting on the inside. And all we need is someone to come up and be our friend. And sometimes you have to walk up to someone to be a friend like what I did, because he didn't have any friends. And the teacher asked me to do it. And I'm like, yeah. And sometimes we have to be receptive to friends. When I say sometimes, at the same time, excuse me, we have to be receptive to connecting with people and making effort to be out amongst people because coming back to the dating marketplace, we've become so dependent on these devices for meeting people. And it's such a cold, marginalized way of connecting with people. Yes, there are some people that are successful that meet from an online dating venue. Yes, there are. At the same time, it's a very cold and marginalized way to meet people. And I'm here to encourage that we need to do this in person, which includes making friends so you can connect with more people. Okay, I went on a rant. Thank you for listening. But it had to do with bullying. All right. Oh, wait, I'm just gonna, Kia just said, thank you for your vulnerability, Jonathan. Very courageous. I appreciate that, Kia. Thank you so much. Gigi says, you have told us that men bond through doing activity. So if it's entertaining activities, what does that mean he's bonding? Okay. What I mean by entertainment, it's one thing to do something with another person, okay? That's entertaining. It's another to explore what you're doing together. So let me explain what I mean. Let's use travel, for example. Two people could travel, but if they don't talk about what they're doing and the experiences, then all they're relying is the experience itself. Even pickleball, coming back and talking about the experience, diving into the nooks and crannies, how you can help each other be better players with one another. That's what I mean by there's the doing of the experience, but then there's the exploring the experience at a deeper level. That's what I'm talking about. You know, dance or music or business. I mentioned drinking, because I know a lot of couples that they're shared passion as they drink a lot together. I have some opinions on that, but my point is there's the doing of the activities and a lot of people are doing, but they're not talking about the nooks and crannies of the activities. Gigi, does that, let me know if that makes sense, okay? But that's where I was going with that. All right. Art heals the soul. She says absolutely shared passion is the glue that keeps a partnership going. Exactly. Again, if you have a question, write the word question. Claire says, my partner's 48, very avoidant. How can I handle this? I know he really loves me, but sometimes love and healthiness is too much for him. He used to be disrespect. He used to, he used, he's used disrespectful behavior and toxicity. You know, when you say I know he really loves me, I think a lot of people confuse attachment and care as true love. See, I think if you genuinely love someone, then you want to open your heart to that person. I think if you genuinely love someone, you want to be vulnerable, to be authentic, to be transparent, or at least maybe that is what deeper love is. I think a lot of people might be in what's called attached love. And if you're not familiar with the book, well, two particular books, attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hennix and Helen Hunt, okay? By the way, all the books I recommend are on the link below. By the way, what I want to address in these books is attachment style. See, sometimes we are attached to another person because it comes from a dependent need place and not from a healthy place. So let's differentiate love from I'm in love with you because I think there's a big, let's at least my perspective on this is the following, the difference between loving and caring someone or even being attached to them versus I'm in love with you because I know he really loves me, but is he in love with me? So this is what it means to me. Tell me if it resonates with any of you. Hit that like button if it does. I'm in love with you means. I'm here, you matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. I'm here means I'm present to our experience. When we're together, I'm present. Now that doesn't mean 24, it doesn't mean every single second, but for the most part, when two people get together, they're present to one another. I think sadly, a lot of people, once they become familiar with another person, they take them for granted. So I'm here means I'm present. You matter means your feelings matter to me as much as my own feelings matter to me. I'm going to care about your feelings at an equal level as I care about my own, at least at a minimum of my own feelings. Now that doesn't mean putting someone up on a pedestal. It means putting them up at the same level. I want to treat you the way I want to be treated nevermind, I'm going off on another tangent. See, this is where my brain does swirls and all over the map. It simply means I have your best interest at heart. We are, I'm here, you matter, we are important. This means the relationship is a separate entity and it means that we will co-create this together which includes expressing how we feel about one another to give each other attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance. I've got your back means if you're in trouble I'm going to be there for you. If you need a ride to the airport I'm going to be there for you. If you need something I'm going to be there for you I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere. That means I'm fully committed to this relationship. I'm fully think about it when you're in love you know, when you see when you love someone it could be care, it could be attachment but when you're in love with someone I'm fully committed to this relationship. I don't want you going. And hopefully you don't want me going. And I only want you. That means I want to jump into bed with you. I only physically want you. I want to explore the nooks and crannies of emotional and physical intimacy with one another. I'm in love with you. I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. So coming back to your question if he has disrespectful and toxic behavior then why are you in this relationship? Because when you say how you can handle it first set boundaries, set boundaries and I'm doing this you know that is unacceptable behavior. But ladies, if a man is avoidant he's emotionally unavailable then why are you in this relationship? Why? Now let's differentiate between, okay some men, okay let's just say your capacity for expressing your emotions here and a man is at zero. Okay, well that space in between that's gonna be called drama. But let's say he's a four or five and you're an eight, okay? Well that's workable but if they're at zero that's I mean it's gonna be impossible that person and you have to understand what caused this person to be avoidant. Most every human being is suffering from I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. We are really suffering here particularly in the United States from that because we lack what I wrote in my book, self love. This book, this is my book what the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work there's a link below to get a copy of my book. Self love isn't just you know a woo woo term it's self reliance, self esteem, self confidence, self discipline, self, did I sell you self reliance? It's all those self compassion are all wrapped up in the word self love and when a person can genuinely love themselves it opens them up to the capacity to love another human being. Clara or Carla, I hope that helps. Sis is in the house and she says could you say the name of the book again about people who have had childhood traumas you've talked about it before? Yes I can. I highly recommend reading the Hoffman process the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds. Hoffman process link below okay sis, link below. You come back with a follow up question. Oh yeah, that's the same one. Okay, let's keep going. By the way folks is this sinking in is this resonating please let me know. Oh by the way who wants to join me on the hot seats I put the link there. I was a people pleaser and now in my 40s I've come to decide I can't care about people and I'm starting to accept it's okay to be alone. Is this safe point that I am loving and accepting me or I loving and accept me. So I've never really appreciated I don't care. I really want to dive into this I don't care. I care, I care about everything. I care about everything and what I mean to say is I care even the bad things I care about it. I won't let it affect me. It's a different way of looking at something. So I won't being single. I don't care if I'm single. Well, yeah, you do. I mean, I'm assuming if you want, by the way, I don't care if I ever have a boyfriend ever again. I'm sure that actually is not true deep down. I think you can just not let it affect you would be another way of looking at that via. And here's the thing, it is very human to want to be mated with someone. It is very human to want to not do life alone. Okay, that is a very, so now if for those that have a full rich life, it doesn't affect them as much. When a person doesn't have a full rich life, it affects them more. Okay, so the question really becomes is creating a full life preferably with good friends as your family are sometimes not that available or it might be toxic, having activities in your life, the doing of things. I think that's critically important whether you're mated with someone or not. And being mated with someone is also gonna be work too. You have to work on your wounds so it doesn't constantly trigger the relationship but that's another conversation. All right, Leaves wants to remind us, siblings and I went through immigrant issues even though a few of us were born in California and one parent was Canadian, but we were raised both GB and CA. Siblings were done school too young to attend university here. My parents were immigrant parents but I was born in California so I can relate. Stephanie says, some of us never married children free women are okay with not being around people in their free time. I spend my whole working life talking 40 hours a week with people. I appreciate that and I can appreciate that. I don't know, I'm gonna speculate here that if there are people that have, they put all their energies into work and they come home and they do nothing. And I suspect those people are rather lonely. I mean, this is just a supposition on my part. Now there are some people that put all their energy into work and then they put their energy in a variety of different things. I'm all in favor of a balanced life. I just am aware that some people put a lot of energy in their work and they come home and they're very sad Stephanie. That's, if I didn't articulate that properly that's what was on my mind in that particular case. All right, let's keep going here. Leafs wants to let me know sent a child to a multicultural day school. They were a minority bullied so badly, hospitalized three times left issues in the same culture because of trying too hard. Chinese Spanish schools appreciate most. Again, I think when we think of childhood wounds and traumas, we think of our parents but I can tell you most children have a traumatic experience in school is not most let me retract that. There are many children that have traumatic experiences in their school environment. Sadly, I know of a woman who's 32. She's like a niece to me. She was so bullied, beautiful girl too. And it's not to do with her looks just a beautiful heart. She was so bullied in school. She was so bullied that the kid said you should commit suicide. I mean, can you believe that? And her parents didn't know about it until she was an adult. She was raised in such toxicity in school. And she was the top dancer in school and she was a gymnast and a lot as she was a singer and all that not gymnast a dancer and a singer but she was also so bullied for being different. Anyway, Jennifer says, will you please repeat the four A's? Attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance. Attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance. Can we address what women over 40 need? Britt, when I started this conversation I said it's both men and women alike need a shared passion. So it's for both men and women alike to create a stronger bond with one another. So that's the answer to your question. Chigi says, 10 stars for this video. Well, thank you, I appreciate it. All right, who has a question? Write the word question and post the question thereafter. Via says, thank you, Jonathan, I appreciate it. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Oh, personal question. Jonathan, what hobbies and activities are you now doing? Okay, fair enough. So I've joined a meditation class here just literally two miles from where I live. I'm actually gonna start, a lot of yoga studios do events like meditation classes, sound baths and sound bowls. They're really cool. If you've never experienced a sound bath, sound bowls it's really fun. I'm gonna get back into golf again. I'm actually gonna be hopefully playing next weekend. Certainly my psychedelic experiences are something that I really appreciate and enjoy. It takes me to whole new realms of consciousness. I get to visit Connor on the other side when I do these experiences as one of the benefits. So those are another hobby. My problem is I'm kind of single focused. I'm addicted to human behavior. I'm addicted to understanding human behavior. This is why I shoot these videos just to share my perspective. But I also, I had two coaching sessions this week that ripped my heart open. And two women who are hurting on the inside. Turns out dating and relationship advice isn't what they needed. They needed a big brother, a father, an uncle. And I'm so grateful that I can hold space in that capacity for a person for even a small brief moment in their lives. I'm just witnessing so many people that want and are need of some masculine energy to hold space like a big brother, like an uncle or even a father figure. And I'm grateful that I'm in a position to do that. And that's my biggest passion of all is being of service in this capacity. One of my hobbies is this YouTube channel but it's also my business as well. So Leafs, thank you for that question. Hey, Roller Girl just donated $1.99. So that means we are $48 away from getting our goal of $50 to donate to go. Oh, she did it twice. So thank you so much. Now we're $46 away. Okay, this is back in the house. Again, how are you, how are, wait, Jonathan, how are ways that people show that they are emotionally unavailable because of childhood trauma? So when a person is avoids their feelings, when they're stuffing their feelings down, when they're being stoic, oftentimes it stems from something that happened in childhood, an incident or incidences that closes a person down from their heart, okay? And particularly men are, okay, so we boys were raised with be a man, toughen up, don't show emotions. Violence is a sign of masculinity. Think of football even, you know what I mean? It's kind of a violent sport to some degree. And so within that violence means masculinity. So a lot of men are very stoic and don't show emotions, okay? One of the reasons why men commit suicide nine times, I believe it's nine times greater than women. I don't know if that's the exact number. Although women on the rise significantly as well, especially young girls is because they don't have an outlet for their emotions. They don't have an outlet for their feelings. So young boys are raised this way. You know the sad thing about young girls? Young girls are raised practically to be objectified. You know, with that, you know, like it's all based on your physical appearance. Think of Instagram now, think of filters, think of the beauty industry. It's all, for women, it's based on their appearance and for men, it's based on your ability to make money and to be stoic and to be tough and to be the alpha male. These are the way little boys are being raised to some degree or at least in my generation it was. So oftentimes it causes young girls to become anxious and dependent and boys to be emotionally constipated and such. And by the way, I'm not here as a professor trying to espouse this, this is just my observation. But I think men desperately want to be in a position to share their emotions and feelings, but at the same time, they struggle with it. I'm a big proponent of couples doing couples workshops together to help the man particularly emote. Anyway, just my two cents on that, thank you. Hey, Brit girl just gave us $14, so we're at 18. So we're $32 away from our $50 goal tonight today, okay? Jonathan, good for you. Single focus on human behavior and group activities and hobbies, I don't feel folks, I don't feel like I have a full balanced life. I'm actually, believe it or not, I'm kind of boring in relationship. I'm not a good planner. I recognize now that I need to, I would be better served to be in a relationship with a woman who's an activities director, someone who has that skill of planning things. I'm good at saying yes, but I'm not good at planning things. But Jonathan, that's what the masculine is supposed to do. You're supposed to plan the dates and you're supposed to do this because men are the leaders of the relationship. Folks, oh my God, I'm so feminine because I don't know, I'm just not good at it. I recognize some women are really good at it and I'm open to like doing things and even taking charge when I do things. I'm just not a good activities director, just not my strength. Some people are, some people are not. I'm probably better. Does anyone, can anyone relate to this? Now some men are closed at doing activities. I get that. I get that they're closed to doing activities. So even if you suggest things, it isn't gonna work. But I'm just here to tell you, I'm a guy that probably needs a good social director as my partner. Britt says, social director, look for a clipboard in a whistle, yeah, exactly. Britt also wants to say, we are valued on our looks and as we age, what that means if we don't love ourselves beyond looks. Yeah, we live in a very superficial society for women that their value, I mean, this is a sad commentary. Women are only valued based on their looks and to some degree men are only valued, not only, but there's a strong importance that women are valued based on looks and men are valued on their capacity to be provider protectors. There's so much more to a relationship than the physical beauty. And women now are just as, women are just as desirous of a beautiful man as men want beautiful women. That's why, and by the way, as we age, we just don't look as good. Look, when I take, this is, you know, I take pictures, I've got wrinkles and shit, you know, I'm not, I've got a dad bod. I'm not in, I'm not six pack ab. I just got blessed that my mom and dad gave me a full head of hair. And no, I do not color my hair. Folks, I do not have gray or I do have a little bit of gray. I just, I can't explain it. My brother completely gray. My sister completely gray. Me, I got barely gray. A lot of hair on my chest hairs. Anyway, Megan says, how do you know that you are healed enough in yourself to be in partnership? Great question. When you don't get constantly, when you're, when you don't get constantly triggered and you're not in constant fear. See, constant fear, constant anxiety, constant triggers means work needs to be done. When that number starts to hit that 50% or less mark, that's when you're, that's when you're in a good position. If you're too much in this space, you need to move into this space. How do we do that? Meditation, therapy, personal development workshops, identifying wounds, forgiving yourself, self-compassion, all of these tools. Get your tool chest together through some of the mediums I recommend through these books and it'll help you move into that. So when you're triggered less than 50% of the time and you're not in fear 50% of the time. And I don't mean just in life, I'm talking about emotionally speaking. That's a good place to start. Men hurt women online, men hurt women online about their age and looks. Women also do it to men when it comes to finances. To some degree, yeah. I don't know if they do it as a hurt, but it's certainly a lack of compassion. Spontaneously drive down the coast is a fun activity, making stops a different place along the way. Great idea, it's one of my favorite things to do because I live along the coast. All right, let's keep going. Rose has a question. How can bring up talks about the relationship, my needs, the future and so on without sounding needy or annoying? I wanna bring up subjects to the table without it being too much to ask. Okay, I'm gonna refer some really great books right now. First off, the book Eight Dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. Great conversation starters in here, okay? The book I Hear You, The Surprisingly Simple Skills Behind Extraordinary Relationships by Michael Sorenson. I highly recommend that. All the books are listed below. And Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, another great book, okay? So first and foremost, as I wrote in my book, speak your truth, do it with kindness, but chapter nine is when you speak from the heart and it's sincere, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Sweetheart is okay if I talk to you. Do you have a minute? I have a need for closeness in our relationship. It could be simply that we make time for each other to give each other a hug on a regular basis. Is that something we can begin to do as a regular practice? Honey, I have a need for connection. And it would really mean a lot to me if we were on a regular basis to express what we appreciate about each other, but we appreciate about each other so I can feel more connected with you. Is that okay with you? You simply share a need and make a request. Share a need, make a request from a heart center place. Is it too needy to express these things? No, your need, by the way, we are in relationship to get needs met. That's the point of relationship. Now, if you are dependent on that person to fill a void in you, yes, that's a problem, but no, it's important to express your needs. And I wanna really identify the importance of gratitude. This is a powerful tool. So I wanna tell you a story that's happened in a relationship I had some years ago. This was, oh my God, almost 10 years ago. My partner and I flew up to San Francisco because we were doing a speaking event at a conference. It was called We Need to Talk, Bringing Up the Touchy Subjects, okay? That was the topic, okay? And at the time I was in relationship with a therapist, a doctor, and we had done some work together. And the night before the conference, we went out to dinner and we were in San Francisco and I walked down the street and I got lost. And she was saying, hey, go ask the hotel, go inside this hotel to get directions. And I'm like, no, I got it covered. And we were only two blocks off. I recognize now, I do have a bad sense of direction, but I felt like I had it in control and she was undermining my authority. I didn't realize I was undermining her need for safety. There was two negative polarity things going on here. And we ended up getting into a fight and we got into such a fight that we were screaming at each other when we got back to our hotel room that you could hear it 10 rooms down. And she's like, I'm getting on a plane and leaving and she called up the airlines and tried to change her flight. And we're supposed to speak at this speaking engagement. And I mean that the ice between, the ice surrounding us was so palpable that there was this barrier between us. I took a deep breath and I paused and I stopped. I said, you know what? I'm appreciative about you. And I shared one thing I appreciated about her. And then I said, you know, I appreciate this about you. And then I appreciate another thing. This took me a good four or five minutes to express, you know, each one I expanded upon it for a moment or two. And by the time I got to the fourth and fifth thing that I appreciated about her, the ice had melted around her. And then I said, I invite you to do the same. And as she started to share, the ice around me started to melt and the ice between us began to melt. So why I'm sharing this with you is our hearts were closed in that moment. See, when our hearts are closed, we can't connect with a person to really get to the deep root of what was going on between the two of us. I had a need for, you know, to be that masculine and she had the need to be safe. And when we could take down the walls through gratitude, through appreciation, we were able to connect with one another. And the irony was that became the topic, that became the opening conversation for the speaking gig we did. I felt like there was a real interesting irony of what happened there. So with that said, I just wanna express the importance of appreciation and gratitude with couples. By the way, how did that resonate with you? I'd really like to hear, how did that, how did that story resonate with you? Please let me know. Okay, Stephanie says, Jonathan, why do you shave your face? Unfortunately, men get lazy and don't upkeep themselves. I hate the beard and Santa Claus look. Why do I shave my face? I don't like the scruffy feeling. I don't like it. So I shave every other day. I go, you know, sometimes I shave every, it's most of the time every other day, I don't shave every day. And sometimes it's every three days. So, but that's why I just don't like the feel of it. And I can understand some women, look at George Clooney. I mean, you know, he's like, I mean, women's dream and he has a beard. So, you know, I don't think, look at even David Letterman. Oh my God. But then again, I don't like that. So I hope that answers your question. Let's see, bum, bum, bum. Let's keep going here. Do you have a question for me? Write the word question and post the question there after. Hey, who wants to join me on the hot seat as we, before we wrap up tonight? Auntie Carlo, are you no longer coupled? Yes, we did end our relationship about a month and a half ago. We are transitioning, let me reframe that. We are transitioning from a romantic relationship and transmuting it to something different. But yes, we are no longer coupled in that capacity. So hope that helps answer your question. FX says, I loved it, gives me another tool to use when I feel tension, not only is it romantic relationship, but also with friends and coworkers, exactly. Leafs just wants to say gentle reminder, please, it's Jonathan, not just folks, you know. But listen, Leafs, it doesn't hurt my feelings if my name gets misspelled. But thank you for bringing that up. Norway says, some of us love beards. I get it. I appreciate beards. I get it, some people do. Some people like that scruff look. A lot of people like the scruff look. I'm not just a big fan of that. It just doesn't feel good for me. Rose wants to say, bringing down the wall surrounding us, great, sometimes there is tension and sounds like timing is everything. Thank you for your advice. Oh, I'm so happy to hear that. This coffee mug was a gift. I make the world go around, what do you do? Is that narcissistic? I'm a Leo, the world revolves around me. You know, being a Leo, it's funny because I totally identify with being a Leo. Not that the world revolves around me, but some of the aspects of it I can relate to. So then when I do Vedic astrology, I'm a cancer. And I'm like, no, no, I'm a Leo. And listen, believe it or not, as much as it looks like I have a big personality, I'm actually an introvert. I prefer being quiet. I really prefer the company of one or two people where we can explore the nooks and crannies in life. Most of you know this meme that I share, but I really do believe this is what my heart desires. I hate small talk. I wanna talk about Adam's death, alien sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, far away galaxies, music that makes you feel different, memories, the lies you've told, your flaws, your favorite scent, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurity and fears. I like people with depth who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't wanna know. What's up? By the way, just type in, I hate small talk quote in Google and you can get that meme. I hate, someone post that right there. I hate small talk quote. Oh, one of our Facebook members has jumped in. If you wanna get connected to me directly, check out the link below to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Love that you spoke about appreciation and gratitude. My boyfriend and I have talked about this and came to the conclusion that if we look for things to appreciate, to be grateful for each other, each every day, then asking for a need. By asking, not saying, you don't sort of thing is received well. Exactly, rather than saying, you don't do this anymore is I have a need, would you be open to doing this? I have a need, would you be open to doing this? Leafs, oh, sorry, that's not one. By the way, there's a whole thread going on about being shaven. Alex says, your story resonate with me, shouting matches indicate triggers and we can react in unhealthy ways rather than to building trust through honesty, humiliation and vulnerability. You know, I've been accused of because sometimes I yell in my videos that it triggers people, it triggers their childhood womb. Now, I will tell you, for many people of immigrant parents or certain parents, yelling was a sort of like, yelling was passion, especially for my family's Mediterranean. But I know Italians and Greeks and Turks, when we're passionate, we speak with a louder voice, okay? But I've heard that it triggers some people. See, the beauty of a trigger means it's something you can work on. See, a trigger means you can work on it. Now, in that moment, it might bring you back to your childhood and I'm not suggesting that that might not feel painful to some degree, but it also is an opportunity to heal what happened in your childhood. See, you gotta remember the intent behind my louder voice isn't meant to hurt someone's feelings. See, passionate people speak louder. I'm not saying that un-passionate people don't speak louder, but I'm saying for me, that's just how, that's a style of communication. It is not intended to hurt anyone. So we also have to recognize the intent behind something. Humans make mistakes all the time. We don't, I don't believe humans genuinely intend to hurt another human being. We can, our actions can constantly hurt another human being, but it's usually rooted by their own hurt that's going on. I'm just merely drawing attention to when you get triggered, it's an opportunity to work on something. Is that sinking in? Is that resonating? Please let me know. Margie says, I'm Russian and Slavic. I raise my voice, but I'm told I'm mean and a hateful person. I'm passionate. I think the tone and style makes a big difference. Melissa says, I am Greek and German. We're loud. Yeah, Alex does bring up this good point, not talking about voices being loud. It's the tone and aggressiveness, shouting offensively and defensively. Again, the tone that the intent behind it, I think makes a big difference. Christie says, you have an excellent channel. I'd love to see you and George Bruno, The Daybreak Show. I'm not familiar with it in an interview. Your points of view together would be quite interesting. Nowadays, interviews are well done. I will do my best to reach out to him. George Bruno, The Daybreak. Hopefully I can remember that. Can someone post that in the comments to remind me? Gigi says, I'm not yelling, I'm Italian. I think, you know, I have some other thoughts on that. All right, let's see. This will be our last question of the day. I have a problem on dating apps. I get a few exchanges with guys and then drop communication or am I the only one asking questions they don't ask me back? What is happening here? See, online dating apps is a very impersonal way to connect with someone. And a lot of people are in a state of fear. Men fear rejection. Men, especially as we age, we definitely fear rejection. But well, so there are a lot of men that are, a lot of men and women are thirsty for connection and this medium is so impersonal that they feel a need in that moment to connect and then they get scared. That's one reason. Or they might have started to connect with someone else and they just dropped you. Remember, if you're talking to 30 people at once, you know, people are 29 are gonna be left by the wayside. So there's a variety of reasons why it happens. Don't let it affect you is the key point. Don't let it affect you. All right, folks. Hey, listen, I'm off to go do a psilocybin journey. I'm really excited about it. It's time to connect with Connor and connect with my heart. So I'm getting ready to head out. Also spend time with some friends. So this is the weekend. Go out and have a good time. Spend time with friends. Do things that nurture your soul. And I hope that you found value in this conversation of a shared passion for both men and women will lead to fully commitment. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If it is, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic, John the Barrick of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love and damn those pit stains. I am sweating like you couldn't believe. I want you to reach out to a friend, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Priya, I'm gonna write that down. George Bruno, The Daybreak Show. Melissa, thank you. Pickles, Rose, Priya, Sherry, Stephanie, Leafs, Margie, Willem, Ayo, Chrissy, Monte Carlo. Big hugs to you all. Wishing you a fab weekend. Take care, bye now. Oh, fuck. I forgot.