 One one second one second here Hello Immediately hello there my beautiful internet friends. Welcome back to my channel. Thank you so much for joining me here today I wanted to uh, I wanted to imitate being a Christmas monster Which is what my husband calls himself when you're a little bit too obsessed with Christmas So I got my bahum buck Santa hat on with with this that keeps hitting me in the face I got this ridiculously happy sparkly necklace three bucks Welcome to the ultimate ranking of things that people say to you if you're dealing with depression things that people say to depressed people Like look on the bright side. You should pray more happiness is a choice. You know get outside more I know you're just looking for attention snap out of it You really don't seem sad before we dive in a quick caveat everything. I'm about to say is a hundred percent my own opinion It's just how I feel about these sayings You may feel differently perhaps some of these have even helped you in difficult moments If that's the case, I would love to hear your perspective on this so that mine might be able to expand as well If you are new to my channel first of all welcome. Thank you so much for being here Secondly important context for this video last piece of context before we dive in I promise is I am someone who has dealt with clinical depression For well over nine years now. I was diagnosed nine years ago I'm in a really good place right now, but things go up things come down and I learned more tools along the way However, specifically over the past few years I've talked pretty openly about depression through public speaking through my channel trauma talk Here on footless show and whether you're talking about something like this online or to people in your life there are certain responses that that People tend to give and what we are about to rank today are some of the most popular and not necessarily most helpful ones Staring at this list right now. I realize I have so many feelings about About all of these let us begin with think of all the good things in your life So this is something that is said I think it is very well meaning if someone expresses that they're having a hard time or going through something like look at all The good things in your life like yeah, I get that people get sad sometimes even though as we'll talk about a little bit Deprecious not just sadness. I think I've heard this said to me a lot as a way to like well You know focus focus on other things don't think about the fact that you're really struggling like you've got so much going for you'll Be fine. I think that this is really well meaning But the problem is it can almost have an opposite effect if I am in the midst of dealing with a Depressive episode if I'm in like a lot of darkness in my head having someone tell you like you have so much going for you Like look at all these good things in your life It tends to make me feel really guilty for not being able to just be happy about all the good things The reality is the depression is a lot more than just happiness or sadness In fact, it's a lot more than just being sad So telling someone to think of the good things in their life totally understand it comes from a good place But often it's more hurtful because I'm like I am thinking of the good things in my place And I'm still having a really hard time like what's wrong with me. That's how the thought process goes for me Anyways, I'm gonna go with okay. I guess next up. Let's deal with snap out of it Oh, we're gonna go right to the did you need to say that category as you may or may not know Mental illness is not something that someone can just snap out of as much as we would like that to be the case I think it's a really easy thing to say and I'm gonna say it's also kind of a lazy thing to say it speaks to a Complete lack of understanding or wanting to take any time to listen to someone or understand that mental illness like depression is more Than just a choice snap out of it. Definitely not my favorite. You should pray more. I'm gonna go in Thanks for trying maybe now if you know anything about my story, you know that I come from a very Conservative Christian background. I'm a person of faith now But that faith is has a lot of question marks around it over the course of the past many years of my life people who are very Very into their faith have told me to pray more when I am having a hard time I feel like this comes from two places They're the people who are telling you that you are doing something wrong like you're sinning by being depressed So you should pray more or it's like a moral failing to be depressed So you should really pray more and get close to God And then there are also the people who truly believe that perhaps getting closer to a God or their God is something that would help You maybe this God could help you and it's an honest attempt. It's how they know how to help someone It's how they know how to connect Unfortunately, oftentimes this falls really flat with people such as myself, but I think oftentimes it comes from a sincere place So we're gonna leave that and thanks for trying So I'm gonna put but you don't seem sad in the okay I guess category mostly because again this speaks of a lot of ignorance to me when it comes to what depression actually is Depression is not the same as sadness every human on the planet has experienced sadness at some point in their life Be it short or long like we've had disappointments. We've had like a bummer days Depression is a different kind of beast. It is something that significantly Impairs your ability to go through daily life daily tasks. It affects your focus It refers to a consistently depressed mood, which can mean loss of interest and activities difficulty sleeping difficulty thinking like I said For many people you struggle with really low energy Loss of appetite or just appetite changes in general really dark thoughts like thoughts of self-harm or ending your life Sometimes really low self-esteem like it's a lot more than just being sad So when someone says this to you if you're dealing with depression and you share that with them like but but you don't seem sad Though that can be really painful to hear because it's like you don't see everything that's going on Underneath here right though. It can be really painful to hear I think to me if someone made that comment it makes it really clear to me that they don't know what they're talking about When it comes to depression and perhaps at least in that moment. They're not the person to reach out for for help It's all in your head. Ah, yes, one of my favorites man. This is a hard one. This is a hard one to rank I'm gonna go with did you need to say that for it's all in your head. Here's the thing They're technically not wrong everything every single thing that we experience in our life is delivered to us through our brains So when we're experiencing depression, yeah, you can't say it's all in your head Also when you feel physical pain you could also say it's all in your head because it is your brain that isn't interpreting those pain signals To tell you what's going on with your body However with that being said most of the time if someone says it's all in your head They're not referring to the fact that all of our experiences and perceptions and Reality is contained within our head our brain usually what they mean is that you're just thinking about too much Like there's nothing actually wrong like it's just in your head. It's just a thought, you know get over it kind of thing I sure wish this is how depression worked However, it is not and honestly at times that I've had this said to me or suggested to me It does hurt because I'm like because you're suggesting to me that what I know as real what I am actively Experiencing in my mind and in my body in a very real sense is not real Shouldn't be paid attention to is something that should just be excused and as desperately as I've wanted to do that in many moments When I've been in the midst of depression, that's simply not how it works It's not all in your head is a very very real mental health issue. Stop choosing to stay sad. All right We're gonna go straight to the top. Here's our first winner today I really dislike this on a deep deep level and I won't say hate because that's a really strong word But it's pretty close. Stop choosing to stay sad is again the suggestion that Being depressed is something that you are choosing what I and therapists and counselors and doctors can tell you is that Depression is not a choice if it was you would not really have anyone dealing with depression Because it is an awful state to find yourself in this idea that you're choosing to stay sad You're choosing depression I think is really comforting to people who have not dealt with mental health issues Because you can reassure yourself that you're you're immune. You're good because you're choosing happiness Which we'll get to in just a moment You know you're choosing the right things and they're choosing the wrong things and that's on them That's not on you I think it feeds into this false sense of control that a lot of us like to hold on to this idea that we control every Circumstance in our life that if we make the right choices will be good again Unfortunately, the only thing we really have control over is our actions our reactions There's a lot that can happen to us that can go wrong or become really difficult or challenges that are brought to Us that are completely outside of our control the only thing that we can do in those moments is decide how we're gonna react to them Depression is not a choice and people who are dealing with depression are not choosing to stay sad look on the bright side Oh, this is very much like think of all the good things in your life I'm gonna go with did you need to say that though just the idea of just just think on the bright side is really Hollow when you're talking about serious mental health issues that cost people their lives in some situations You're just looking for attention now. I bet you can guess where this one is going Yes, it is going to our grand winner category of well that hurt However, I do want to add something on here I think we think the idea of looking for attention is this just like gross thing like attention seekers Oh, nobody likes them But I think we fail to realize that if someone is having a hard time that someone is struggling They do need attention. They need help. They need care wanting or needing attention is a basic Human thing we want to know that we're not alone We want to know that we're heard that someone pays attention to us that someone gives a damn about us So if your reaction to someone who is dealing with mental health issues has ever been you're just looking for attention Stop to reconsider the fact that maybe attention is what they need from you Maybe they are reaching out to you for help and attention is not a dirty word It is something that can help people get through really difficult things with that being said I really hate when people say that I did I did pull out the H word I really strongly dislike when people say this because it is so demeaning of the difficulty that someone is facing Just looking for attention is a horrible label to put on someone who may be quite literally fighting for their life Against against their own mind. It could be worse. I think this has come up in every tier list so far Has it just about everyone? We're gonna put that in the the ultimate winner tier. It could be worse This is something I've had said to me countless times if you're listening to this right now I'm sure you've heard this saying before now if you know anything about me or my channel You know that I kind of have a personal vendetta against this phrase when it comes to serious things If you're talking about normal daily annoyances the idea that you know, it could be worse Maybe reconsider how you're looking at something I get how that could be helpful But when you're talking about trauma or grief or mental illness anything like that Suggesting it could be worse So you really shouldn't feel what you're feeling is so suppressive and one of the most frustrating things about Depression is that when you're in the midst of it, you know that other people have it worse You know that maybe your situation is not the worst situation that anyone's ever faced in the entire world But it doesn't mean that the darkness that you're fighting becomes any less real Yes, there's one person in the entire world who has the worst Circumstances of anybody ever and they get to hold that crown But that does not mean in any way that what you are facing is any less serious or severe One of the big problems with saying this sort of a thing when you are talking to someone who is dealing with depression is that You really don't know how bad it is I public speak and make videos online as a large part of my living or I talk about and I put in two words What it's like to experience these things and how I've gotten through different things even with that being said when I am in The midst of depression I have such a difficult time putting into words like I have Significant experience putting this into words for other people and when my mind is there when my body is there I still struggle to find the words So if you're telling someone it could be worse because they've said they're depressed and they're having a hard time you're like, okay, well that's hard but Keep in mind you really don't know the full extent of what's going on and depression has taken way too many lives So maybe pause for a moment before before trying to help that way or trying to make yourself more comfortable by saying that Because it actually can be pretty harmful. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger again. This is one that comes up all the time I see it everywhere. Um, I'm gonna go with did you need to say that This is a cliche we've seen over and over again in popular culture and songs and media You know, it doesn't kill you makes you stronger and if this helps you this idea helps you I get it. I really do at the same time when we're talking about depression in particular Depression does kill people far too many and I think sometimes that's missed We think someone's just dealing with mental health issues. They'll be fine And far too often people are not just fine Sure in some moments and some situations can be helpful But at least for me and many people that I know when you're talking about dealing with depression You know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger It does feel like it could kill you because it could it takes a lot of Hard work a lot of fighting to get through a lot of help to get through Sometimes you don't want to be stronger. Sometimes you just Want to make it you just want to make it to the end of another day You just want to read you that normally without feeling like you weigh a million pounds and are just weighed down by this Gunk of depression like being strong is not what everybody's looking for Sometimes it's just making it to the end of the day. So I mean, I've said it before but I do Obviously do not like that one very much Well, do you have a reason to be sad? I'm gonna put this in okay I guess again to me if someone says this it just means they really Don't have an idea of what they're talking about being sad does not always have a reason behind it People are not always depressed because of Fill in the blank sometimes people just start fighting depression just start dealing with depression There are a wide variety of factors that contribute to this So if someone is saying hey, I'm really depressed and your reaction is well Like don't you ever like what's your reason to be sad? Like what's your justification for feeling this way? It's really disheartening to hear I remember a situation a while ago in my life when I expressed to a friend of mine that I was dealing with depression And their reaction is why like why are you sad? And I remember in that moment I was able to be like articulate and be like here are the reasons that I'm struggling and you know depression isn't always Fact-based blah blah blah, but but deep down really stuck with me and hurt because it made me feel so crazy Like you're right people people are always sad for a reason. Why am I sad for no damn reason? Like you're right. There are so many things that are good in my life. Why am I upset all the time? Why am I not okay all the time? I should have a reason I don't have a reason and that contributes to this feeling of I suck and I'm broken Neither of which are true, but definitely feel true in the moment. Get outside more. All right. I'm gonna put this in Thanks for trying. I feel like a lot of people might rank this higher. Here's the thing for me personally being outside uh Being in nature being away from people and technology I've discovered especially over the past two years is something that is really Really beneficial for my mental health. There's research and a lot of stories that lend credence to the idea that being more in Touch with the natural world can really help mental health illness and struggles such as depression However telling someone just get outside more is not fixing depression It can be a tool in the toolbox of figuring out how to make it to the next day of understanding What's going on and and what to do to manage it or mitigate it or prevent it from getting really bad Telling someone this as if it were the fix to their problems as if it were a complete and utter Antidepressant and cure all within itself is not accurate and is not helpful. I'm gonna save the best for last We're gonna go with uh, you're just thinking about yourself too much straight to the top I'm not even gonna go into a lot of detail about this aside from saying that it's not accurate Depression is not caused or fixed by thinking about yourself less It's a very complicated issue and reducing mental illness to the idea that you're just really being selfish You just need to think about other people more is inaccurate uneducated and kind of hurtful And now it is time for a grand winner Happiness is a choice straight to the top, baby I kind of addressed this with the stop choosing to stay sad But the reality is I realize that I may frustrate some people by saying this Happiness is not a choice. It's not in so many situations. I would say the vast majority of situations It's really not again. I think it's a very comforting and a very easy thought to think like just choose happiness You'll be better. It's what I do. I'm choosing happiness. I'm doing great But happiness is first of all very subjective and secondly can be really impacted when you are dealing with a mental illness When you're dealing with mental health issues like depression So when I am depressed when I'm really feeling a lot of that One of the first things that I notice is that my reactions to happiness and looking happy. You're all still there and like Yeah, hey, how's everybody doing like it's a great time. Okay, cool Uh, but I don't feel any of it like I play the part really really well But I realize that it doesn't go any further than skin deep that I'm kind of just dead inside And that's one of the indicators that like hey depression's coming up for you Let's take some steps to uh to pull some tools out of the toolbox or ask for help or make sure I'm paying attention To what I need to pay attention to to get through whatever is coming in the best way that I can One of the things about depression at least for me personally is I feel like it builds this Glass wall between me and actually feeling happiness not acting happy. I'm really good at that I am trying to get less good at acting happy and more Skilled at being honest with the people around me, but I can choose to pretend to be happy really easily. I can do that I can I can fake a lot of people into thinking that I'm doing great I'm I'm fine when I'm really in a dangerous mental place But especially with depression you can't just choose to feel happiness because this illness itself Brings you away from happiness isolates you from happiness isolates you from really feeling Those positive emotions to positive things It is a really bizarre mind space to be in when you know you should be happy even though there is no should for emotions We still feel those shoulds come up when you should be happy when good things are happening or you're you're Having a good experience and yet you feel so sad or overwhelmed or exhausted or dead inside and suggesting that you can Again can be really harmful Because it just contributes to this idea of god. I really am so broken Everybody else around me is choosing happiness and I just I can't do it I can't feel it which in my case can then lead to faking happiness because you're like I should be happy I'm gonna I'm gonna make it seem like I'm happy and that is even more isolating And distances you from health that you actually need and you can find yourself in a very dangerous mental place Pretty quickly and this my friends is uh is just my two cents on some of the most popular things that people say to people dealing with depression looking at this list now I realized that I put absolutely nothing in the you're a okay cat gore like that's that's cool to say Um, I think when I was making the tiles for this list I was kind of frustrated at some of the things that people say So I just came up with the ones that I was like not super thrilled about But let me just go through a few things that are really really helpful to say if someone is struggling If someone is dealing with depression number one This isn't even something you can say is just be there just your presence Just being present with someone and not requiring them to pretend to be happy not requiring them to be anything Other than exactly who they are and where they are in that moment Definitely one of the most healing and helpful things that that people have ever done for me Number two also not something that would necessarily fit on a tile But to acknowledge that what someone's going through is real saying things like i'm so sorry that this is something You are dealing with it sounds really hard Can be for a lot of people really affirming to hear because you're saying that you hear them and you believe them And that's a huge step number three asking someone if there is anything that you can do that might help them Can be really helpful and I'll put this with the caveat I feel like i'm using that word way too much in this video I'll put this with the caveat that sometimes when you're depressed you're like I don't know what's going to help all I know is that I am desperately not okay So if someone doesn't have an answer to this question Let them know that that's okay too and that you're going to be there and you're going to check on them That in itself is huge I'm going to end this all on a final note when it comes to Helping people who are dealing with depression who are depressed or dealing with any kind of mental illness It is never on you or on me to fix or save someone There have been countless people who have helped me so Much in dealing with the mental health challenges that I have faced However, not a single one of them was ever responsible for bringing me out of it It's like drops in a bucket like knowing that my husband is there and accepts me Knowing that I have a friend who's always going to answer the the phone when I call like little little bits like that Are like these these drops in a bucket that help me stay afloat Nothing that anyone says or does is ever going to cure me or fix me. It is a personal journey It's figuring out what works for you What doesn't figuring out what tools you need what tools just aren't for you figuring out who is a good support for you Or a good support system for you and who and what is not it can take a while And I feel like when people share that they are depressed oftentimes the people They are sharing that with feel this responsibility to like fix it or make it all better It's important to remember that you really can't make it all better. That's not something that's in your control So don't try don't try to fix them or cure them Don't try to say the right thing that's going to make it all better because that thing doesn't exist And that's okay It's your responsibility if you want to be their friend if you want to be a good family member if you want to be a good You know partner or boss to just be there in whatever way you are capable of in the best possible way You can support them in that moment. Sometimes I feel like it's that pressure that mounting pressure of like I need to fix this. I need to make them better. They're really struggling I've got to fix it that leads to us saying things that are massively Unhelpful like just choose happiness because if you choose happiness, you won't be sad problem solved, right? Like we feel this responsibility or this pressure to fix things when it is not honest to do so So if someone comes to you and they are struggling in my opinion and experience The best thing you can do is be there Listen and figure out a few things you can do that help them personally If you are someone watching this video right now and you are dealing with depression Please know that you are not alone depression is very isolating in what it makes us feel But I promise you you are not the only person feeling this way You're not crazy for feeling this way And there are people out there who get it and want to support you and love you and care about you Those things can be really difficult to absorb when we are in a rough place But I promise you they are true. I promise you life is worth fighting for if you are in a Scary headspace as I have found myself in before please know that there is Light out there. It's not all darkness. Sometimes it takes a little while to find there are tools that can and will work for you Again, sometimes it takes a little bit searching, but like I said, you're not alone You're not weird and there is a way through this and I promise you it is worth fighting for And with that being said that concludes our ultimate tier list of things that people say to people who are depressed So I'm curious my friends. Do you agree with my ranking? Do you absolutely disagree? I would love to hear some of your maybe favorite maybe least favorite sayings you've heard And where you might rank them in this chart comment down below as always a massive thank you to all my patrons over on patreon I truly cannot thank you enough for continuing to support this channel. Your generosity is so appreciated and never taken for granted Thank you if you're interested in what patreon is I put a link on screen also down below in the description box So check it out if you feel like it also if you feel like it hit that subscribe button that like button Maybe if you're feeling super generous you could ring that notification bell So whenever I upload a new video or go live, which I do a lot you'll get notified and to you watching this video right now Thank you for spending a few minutes out of your day Here with me today You could be anywhere in the world doing anything and you chose to hang out with me for a few minutes And I really appreciate that I love you guys. I'm thinking of you and I will see you in the next video Bye guys