 At the Fury Factory, we have 31 companies from around the country performing over a 3D period in this very building. Among my favorite of these 31 companies, and I know they're not supposed to be my favorites, but you're here to see him mount for their second run at Fury Factory. So good to have them back. The State of California would like you to know that there are exits here. There are exits here. If you'd like to pick out yourselves, turn them on. They're often sent in text to a friend saying, I am at this amazing theater festival. There's another week of it with many more performances, and you should come and join me and make a date with them now. While you're doing that, just a few more thoughts. We are, to our knowledge, the only festival of this sort in the country. We have ensembles from all over. We have a strong focus on works in progress. As we feel there's a real lack of opportunity for companies that are making work as ensembles to show their work in the process. And so that's inviting. And all week, if you think there's still a state of creation, then you can also see some main stage productions, such as when you're about to see it. Later tonight, if you'd like to speak with the artists, or speak with your friends over drinks, we will be meeting at the right spot, because of that seven weeks and an awesome time. I feel there must be other things. We have surveys. We'll find a new program. A fin may have rather long piece of white paper with a demographic survey on it. And as these festivals are extraordinarily expensive, but on a much of our funding comes from, this year at least, from the City of San Francisco and the National Development of the Arts, these surveys allow them to feel good about giving us the money. If you have extra money, please drop it in the jar outside. Or consider buying an Andy Dandy Festival t-shirt. Or maybe get a check. Or maybe get a check. Or give it one to Jan as our board member. And I'd also like to also take a moment to turn around and say hello to our Internet audience, who's live streaming across the world. We're one of the first festivals to attempt to have a real live presence on the web live streaming. We're a theater company that is dedicated to making work that you can only experience live. And yet we are streaming on the web, so it's sort of like an experiment and an experiment. So there it is. The show will be starting shortly. Ah, workshops! We have many workshops. We're performing. In the festival, one of which still has thoughts available, which is with Inkvote and Chimichi Yoakoga next week, next Sunday. And if you've never worked with Chimichi, but you're a mover or interested in being a mover, I strongly recommend you go check it out. And the show will be starting shortly. Thank you for being here. Take care of you when you get old. If you didn't remind me of everyone's birthday, the entire family would hate me. I did take those naked pictures of you and Dad to school in the fifth grade. I thought it would make me popular. And it did. You never knew this, but I used to replace your birth control pills with aspirin. At one time in high school, when I threw that party, and you busted me and I said, fuck you, you don't live here anymore, I still feel really badly. Every time, keep your feet. When you say that I ruin everything, I don't think anyone will ever live up to your expectations. After you die, I'm going to ask for your t-shirts and your boots, and I will wear them. I've told you this before, but sitting with you on the couch, even though it is completely covered in cat hair, is one of my favorite things. You make it really easy to be the good child. Wild fire, fire. I just returned home from my first term at school, and you're standing in the doorway with a sweater you've made me in your hands, and the first thing you say is try it on, and then you just stare. I got some terrible news. Thanksgiving, and I accidentally just made fun of the turkey that you spent all day on, and I say that it's gravy and a little cold, and you pretend it doesn't bother you, and then you start to cry. Dad. Dad. It's 105 degrees outside, and we're driving down to Santa Cruz. I forgot to put coolant in the car, like you asked me to, so the car stalls and we're all standing on the highway. You ever heard? And I'm pretty sure it broke in my arm. You make me move it around, and you tell me it can't possibly be broken, and I should just walk it off. Finally, you take me to the hospital, and you ask me about my love life. You want to know all about who I'm seeing, what my type is, how he treats me, certain lovers. What? The first time I've seen you says the divorce. You want to invite me over to the lunch. You tell me about the sandwiches that you made, and the both coats in the fridge, but when I arrive, you want to pile up rotten wood on the carpet in the driveway, and then you load my truck and take it to the dump. I'm here at the beach with Mom and Dad, and my brother is adjusting his shorts. And you don't think anyone's watching you, so you just keep pulling and tugging at yourself. You call to let me know that your son was born, and you were so happy and so exhausted. We both just sit, each holding our hand at the telephone. You have really upset Mom, and Dad looks like he's about to explode, and even I can't believe the words that are coming out of your mouth. You're storming out of the house and saying that you're never coming back, and then we don't see you or hear from you for five years. You're getting married. I'm watching Dad walk you down the aisle, and the two of you look happier than I've ever seen you. In three months, you'll cheat on your husband and break up the marriage just like Dad did. I'm really drunk, and I'm hitting on all of your friends, and you are looking at me like you want to kill me. You're in the upstairs bathroom, blow-drying your hair, and you are taking forever, and the entire family is waiting for you at the kitchen table, and you will not come out of the bathroom. What happened? And so is my sister. And it's early in the morning, so the sky is still dark, and there's a snowstorm that day, so these big flakes of snow are falling down in the ground, and the Christmas tree is lit, so this really soft and magical light is coming in from the living room, and the house smells like turkey, and mashed potatoes, and coffee. Who was there? Mom was there. Where was she? She's in the kitchen, getting a box of cookies together to send with Dad. You're feeling pretty torn up on the inside, and trying to make polite conversation. Who else was there? My sister was there. Where was she? She's in the upstairs bathroom, blow-drying her hair, and you and Dad have a history of tension, so you're starting to feel a little bit nervous. Who else was there? At the kitchen table. This is the house where you spent 25 years of marriage, but now you don't live here anymore, so you always feel a little out of place, and a little melancholy. My dad came to pick me and my sister up to take us out to eat. She's punched over. She's always coming up behind me and saying, scoliosis from Dad. Jerry's lucky he didn't get it. He's never been there anywhere else on her chest. Just right here. At least she didn't get that. But the baby did. I've never told you this before, but I think it's really pathetic that the only way you get any attention in this family is by making fun of people. Do you remember last November when you wanted to visit me on Thanksgiving, and I hurt your feelings? It was because I just had an abortion. Who was there? Don't look at me. Stop looking at Jerry. Don't look at Liz. Do not look at Liz. Do not. I'm playing Contra, and I'm so far into the game. I think I might actually beat it this time. All of a sudden, my vision goes off. I believe this is happening. I was on the last level. I was almost done. And then I hear someone behind me. Who was there? Dad was there. And you are looking really pale and really nervous, and gripping the remote control tightly. Who else was there? Mom was there, and you're hovering near the edge of the couch holding this book, The Joy of Sex. Do you have any questions about being a man? What self-abuse is Jerry? We think it's dad we are. Mom opens to a diagram of the human reproductive organs. I just want to talk to you about some of the beautiful and magical changes that are happening inside your little body. There's a lot of magic going on but we heard in your father I just want to talk to you a little bit about it. Don't be nervous. Oh God, don't be nervous. It's just me and your mother. It's just us. It's just us, I mean. Well, I think we should just go ahead and start. I want you to look at this. This is what your penis looks like when it is aroused and erect. It's so much firm. It is big and firm. It gets big and firm. And when a man loves someone he can stick his erect, big, firm penis inside a vagina. What's vagina? The vagina belonging to Jerry White. It's the name of the woman. Of course. But before that I urge to rub that penis yours and it might grow and grow into a beautiful statue. I'm going to touch that statue. You're going to take a nice long walk until it's soft again. You're just going to walk it soft and you just walk that stuff soft. Now listen, there's also going to might be a time when you might be sleeping and then you wake up around you and it's like it's marshmallow it's salty. You know what? You're just going to get about your bed, you're going to take off your underpants you're going to take off your sheet and you're going to tip toe them down to the wash and you're not going to tell me and you're not going to tell your mother. Jesus Christ I do not tell me okay. No, no, but these days you're just going to love using that penis of yours you're going to use all of them. I feel like I'm going to have to get you hungry. Oh my God, I'm starving. How about some hot dogs, Eddie? Oh gosh, that sounds good. Maybe we'll have a little corn on the cob with some beans. Salted. I'll toss a salad. Delicious. Oh It plants them every year and every year in the springtime when the flowers bloom the woodchucks furious and he comes into the house, he's yelling and screaming and mom tells him to calm down but he won't calm down and then he grabs her and he throws her up against the pantry door and he starts to choke her. Faith and I are in the living room watching and when he sees us he stops and an hour later we all put on our Sunday best and we go to a party at the neighbor's house. Dad is such a passionate photographer every year at Christmas he makes Liz and I go outside in the cold to the backyard he always picks the snowiest part of the yard and he always takes two pictures in case one of us blinks. Liz complains a lot and we both pretend to hate it but it's the most attention we get all year and the one time he forgot Liz went and dragged out his camera to take pictures and now there's a wall of photos in the house from every single year. Dad and I are at Amazon Park and he's just put me on my new bike which is a really cherishable bike and I'm so scared I'm so scared I don't want to go and I say dad promise me you won't let go and he promises you won't let go and all of a sudden I'm pedaling and I'm pedaling and I'm so scared I'm too scared to look back but when I finally do I have a dinner table I just started kindergarten and I hate my teacher she makes me cry all the time one day when I won't stop crying she calls home to talk to mom but she gets stabbed instead you come to pick me up you bring me home you make me grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup you talk to me like I'm a grown up like I'm your friend when mom comes home I'm going to go to Harris Elementary where Julie goes and the next morning you take me to Mrs. Stoker's room and I love her from the moment I see her and I love school from then on when I call home I usually hope that you won't answer it's just easier to leave a message sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night and think about you dying I have to turn on the radio please turn your shirt off in public you don't look like Brad Pitt it just makes everyone uncomfortable you know all those stories that you tell about your early life to make it seem more interesting we know they're made up whenever I meet anyone who's manipulative and passive aggressive I immediately think of you I am really glad that you have a girlfriend because even after all of these years you still really need someone to take care of you probably only stay for two but it really bothers me when you eat so much faster than everyone else it makes me feel like you're not paying attention you're so distracted all the time are you so distracted all the time why are you so distracted all the time why are you so distracted what why is dad so distracted all the time what gets dad's attention ladies booze what is dad afraid of what is one thing that he always says good deal deal what else what is his favorite curse word did mom suspect that dad was cheating no yes what makes dad laugh dad what does mom say that embarrasses you you look great honey did you lose some weight how do you describe the family to other people what's one bad habit you got from mom smoking and drinking who's mom's favorite singer how does mom fart what's mom's best personality trait she makes everyone feel special what's one thing you wish mom said to you more often do you want more money what do you do when you get upset I wave my hands in front of my face like this and I feel a flustered what does Jerry do when he gets upset he buries it deep inside until he explodes like a little man what does Jerry do that makes you laugh why do you lie to your friends about the family because you embarrass me who is the favorite of the family who's the loser of the family that was just me who is it when is the last time you saw dad cry why do you smell like Theo all the time why does Julie always have to win efficient needs to be in control all the time she never wins she's the loser what could you say right now that would make mom cry the reason why you have to declare bankruptcy is because you spent your money on things that you don't need what else what could you say right now that would make me cry the moon cycle who is the most annoying person in the family Jerry who smells scullible why is mom so nasty well she came first to you mom is not nasty what's the grossest thing that dad ever did come on now pubic hair scrumptious nipples who got held back in the fifth grade who peed her pants on the school bus who gets sent home from swing class for poor hygiene who should never ever have seconds on chili who is the most ticklish I am the favorite of the family it's me I'm the favorite everybody looks me the best I'm the smartest good things happen to me all the time I'm just really lucky you know what mom, dad he used to take me out to lunch all the time just me and dad and um you know he could send me to you're gonna do something big something really big in your shorts okay I'm also grandpa's favorite I write thank you notes she said this to me once this is a direct quote you have like a special light that nobody else has you're like a shining beacon to everyone around you because you are a little methane gas production babe you will solve the clinic crisis and you will send this all to uranus on uranus that big party you threw your senior year of high school I was such a bitch to you I yelled at you in front of all of your friends I made them all go home you were so cool about it you just sat watching tv with me all night and you never said a word about it well I never told you this before but I'm sorry I am really going to love it when I sit down next to you and you pat me on the head I remember a time I saw you and said I was 12 it was September the leaves on the trees were just starting to fall school was about to start and I already had my bag packed with all my school supplies I was just getting home from basketball practice when dad called us into the bedroom for a family meeting who was there? my brother is there, Jerry you're sitting on the floor you've got your face pushed into a pillow you're crying you're standing in the foot of the bed you are furious there's a vein in your neck that looks like it's going to explode who else was there? I'm there Julie, you're me you're me, you're standing in the corner you're feeling terrified you're having trouble breathing you are feeling humiliated you know you've done something wrong you've brought something into this house and you can't take it back this is the day I came home with her brand new perm of course we can are you going to help? everyone I've ever loved and was Jerry and Julie and Faith and Erin and Obama anyone else? nope mom can I have a bit of a story? of course in the course of sorting and packing of your father and I and I had to stop my work and have a hell of a cry to help but reflect on the sad conclusion of what has been in many ways a successful achieving marriage you kids are the best evidence of that it's quite a wonder how these things reveal themselves while sifting through old memories captured on film there are no secrets here mom can you check into the bed to see if there are any mice there there are no mice sweetie do you promise? not a single whisker kids are the greatest thing to come out of our marriage and for that I will never put it down despite the incredible hurt that your mother caused this is not the midlife change I've been expecting it's not what I deserved stay in some day maybe then we can talk about it mom why do you always have to play the victim that's enough for tonight sweetheart mom can you check out the window to see if ET is out the window ET is not outside the window can I have a kiss? just to see watch your face what I can't find her sleepy voice calling out to me from her bedroom I just want to see that you're okay as the years went by I would go in before she even had a chance to call and stand in the doorway and talk mom liked to help with my schoolwork a lot one time I got home really late from rehearsal I was exhausted but I had a huge project through the next day mom told me to go right to bed and then she stayed up all night building an Eiffel tower out of popsicle sticks it was beautiful and complex and perfect and there was no way that anyone would ever believe it was made by a third grader one time I got into trouble for stealing champagne from our church and I don't know how she found out I didn't call her but she came down and she talked to the officer and talked to the pastor and somehow got me out of it she wasn't even that mad and even though it was 3 o'clock in the morning we stopped for tacos on the way home and she told me about all of the juvenile and asinine things that she had done when she was in high school mom used to lie to me all the time about dad she told me he was a cocaine addict and a homosexual and she said that he didn't want us to have a house or any money she said that he made her stop breastfeeding me after 2 weeks so they could go on vacation to Mexico she said that he didn't even really want to have children mom loves to sing one time in high school I was hanging out with some friends and mom started to sing this James Taylor song at the top of her lungs and then I ran out of the room because I was so embarrassed a few years later after I moved away from home I realized that I could sing too and it was something I loved to do so much and now I want to tell mom how beautiful her voice is or compliment her I can never say anything nice to her without her somehow turning it into a compliment about me you used to cry all the time when you were younger to get attention it must have worked because you still do it I never told you this but when you and dad got a divorce and I went to go live with him instead of you and I told you it was just because it was more convenient really I was afraid you wouldn't be able to take care of me you would say the most inappropriate things it didn't matter whose feelings it hurt and you could never take any kind of criticism if you felt even slightly attacked you would throw yourself a pity party you were always in your own little world we used to call you Helen Keller you were always really immature and you should probably lay off those cookies you've been looking a little chunky like you get so sensitive about it and you were always scared especially at night but music always helped to calm you down you were so serious you would get this little frown on your face from concentrating so hard you never knew what it was you were thinking about you were so shy for two years every time you left the house you would only whisper you loved to play in the dirt you would come inside with dirt under your nails, in your ears in your mouth I didn't know what to do with you you were such a callicky baby you cried and you cried I really didn't know what to do with you it was very very hard you were such a beautiful baby oh from the moment you came out everybody said how beautiful you were you were so funny you were funny and you would just launch into these stand-up routines you would crack yourself up you were such a little shit you were so confident you were so stubborn nobody could tell you musical instruments you made it to the piano you made it to violin you just refused to practice but I don't know why because I always thought you had so much talent you hated Santa Claus and you used to make me check outside of your window on Passover to see if the angel of death was coming the most incredible tantrum song you wouldn't hit the floor kicking, screaming, crying until you were blue in the face hands on let's hear the better and you loved to sing you would make up a song and sing it to anyone who would listen your grandpa the postman and sing for hours at the top of your lungs we never heard you speaking very much we always heard you singing and you would sing what makes you laugh how do mom and dad kiss what does Liz do when she gets embarrassed she puts her hands in front of her face she walks, she barks what's your biggest regret that I moved so far away from my family that I didn't go to grandma's funeral are you strong? why doesn't anyone listen why doesn't anyone listen why doesn't anyone listen what's your biggest regret is mom strong that I have a patient at the hospital and there's a crazy thunderstorm and I shit my pants and I got my period I couldn't take it anymore when is my birthday say Patrick's day July 22nd describe mom's nipples what happened who was there I'm pretty sure Liz was there I think I could have a pretty good garden I had a lot of them I'm pretty sure I could be a rap star that is bullshit Jerry that is not realistic at all why don't we say we love each other anymore why does Julie smell like rotten fish all the time well she smells like fresh fish she eats a lot of fish she eats a lot of fish certainly not because of the gobs of money we spent on her English degree when was the last time we all had fun it was Faith's birthday and we tried to throw her a surprise party but we made her cry it was not Faith's birthday but I do know that Faith was crying it was the 4th of July and all of us were together there were fireworks in the sky and Faith had snot all down her face we pretended like we had forgotten Faith's birthday but we had this huge surprise plan and then she freaked out Faith was there and she was sitting in a corner well you were there Liz and you were microwaving these really half-assed hors d'oeuvres and all of Faith's friends were there which was no one and Julie you were there and you were trying to take control over everything and take the fun out of it you're hitting on all of Julie's friends we're trying to check in and you can't put on reservation and you are furious getting ready to go out to dinner and mom comes out of the bedroom and you say is that what you're going to wear are you wearing that is that what you're going to wear even when she was 85 years old and she didn't know who she was anymore she still had these burky boobs and I get my legs from Grandma too she had these very strong sturdy stocky legs especially the calves to be embarrassed by her calves so she would wear high heels her closet was lined with hundreds and hundreds embarrassed heels she said it made her legs look thinner