 struggle continues. I can't even find the words to speak right now. My parents just got on a plane so the bulk of my support system is gone. Until next week. My baby is five days old. No. My baby's a week old today actually. Today's Wednesday. He was born last week Wednesday. I'm holding my head because I have such a bad migraine. I've had a migraine for two days now and I know it's from stress which I should not be stressing right now but giving this situation is kind of hard not to stress. Where do I even start? I don't know where to start. But I'm just relanning my rosemary smudge but um so as y'all know I gave birth May 26th. That was last week Wednesday. So the Wednesday night. Wednesday night. Oh my sitting like this. Wednesday night. My brain is processing so slow right now. Wednesday night, Thursday night and Friday. I think it was Friday. I don't know but four days. Those four days. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Those four days after I gave birth my sisters helped me with the boys. So I have four sisters and all. All over the age of 20. The oldest one don't count because we don't really have a relationship for me to expect anything from her so put that aside. But um I'm the youngest one. It was a rough patch with the whole her being able to help me thing so I kind of stopped asking her for help for a while. I just let her help when she feels like it or whenever she comes around. So the two the other two sisters they live together and one of them have a two-year-old son. Anyways, long story short. There's four days after I gave birth they helped me with the boys. By Sunday they came here after taking them to fear. Just pretty much complaining about how burnt out they are, how exhausted they are, how they need a break. Just going on and on about how much of a handful happened. Two of my boys plus her son is. Now I know they are a handful when they get together. They are definitely a handful when they get together that is no lie. But to the level at what they were complaining I feel like it's only four days and y'all already tapping out on helping me. Like this is already too much for y'all after four days. So it's crazy because it's like I just gave birth. It's only so much I can do in terms of moving around or it's only so much I'm supposed to be doing in terms of moving around. Like I can't even get a good two weeks of just metting my womb heal a little bit not even two weeks. You know I should be able to get a good 30 days but okay that's pushing it fine. It's just hard asking for help and then when people are due to help you it becomes a burden for them. And bear in mind the only never used to ask for help. Like I had a like it was hard for me to ever say that I need help. When it came to family with my then partner I barely asked for help and I used to actually get pretty much cussed out because of that. Like oh if you need help you need to ask, people can't read your mind blah blah blah blah. And now I finally verbalize when I need help and be sick and be very specific in terms of how I need help and now I'm a burden. My life is a burden to you all because you need a break. You need a break to relax and have fun and typically when I ask for a break it's actually to do work. I don't even know how to verbalize how frustrated I am with my sisters right now. But I'm extremely frustrated like yes the blessings has been rolling in given my situation but if you all know how much disappointment I've had just in the past month alone in terms of things just not going as planned. Things that I'm working on not not falling through or actually falling through in a bad way or whatever. The whole missing the act fair thing was huge because I did all this down work for the act fair and then I couldn't even participate in the act fair which was an income that I was relying on because I'm not working. It's so much it's like so much things that just I have to just push through and be like you know what it's okay you know what it's okay but me asking you for a little support during my postpartum healing is a burden because this week is your only week off from work until December. Mind you when my sister had her son I was living in Florida at the time and I my first child was only one I flew down from Florida to St. Croix on my own dime and stayed with her in her house for a month with my one year old while I'm working from home and helped her in exactly the way I told her I would help her. He wasn't hard yes but I did it because I knew she needed the help I knew she needed the support and I wanted to be that for her so I stuck to my word and helped her how I said I would help her if I say I'm going to do something I'm going to do it I'm going to follow through and I made sure she always had breakfast she always had dinner I helped her with the baby plus dealing with my one year old and because I had a flexible work from home job instead of trying to juggle that during the day while working I didn't work during the day I helped her during the day and at night is when I stayed up and do my work for my income but now the tables has turned and I can't get that back in return after four days you just want to give up on me I'm sorry I'm venting right now like seriously I'm venting I don't have anyone else like I talked to my my mother of course she knows what's going on but there's only some of my mother could do her children are grown-ass children she can't make them do anything anymore that I can make them do anything and I'm at the point where they're just helping me because they have to quote unquote I'm not because they want to or not because they actually see that I need to help like all of this is the whole reason why I even went into labor early I was doing so much in such a short period of time because I can't I constantly delay the things I need to get done just to accommodate everybody else schedule until I couldn't delay it anymore so I had to crush I had to crowd making all these products in a span of two weeks just because from the time in March I just kept delaying everything I had to get done for myself and I I stuck around I helped everybody else I accommodated everybody else but when it was time to accommodate me all I get is complaining and complaining and complaining like I am so tired of hearing people complain about having to help me that I am pretty much done accent to help my parents left today and they're gonna be back next week this week is the last week I'm asking any of them for anything like I'm just gonna have to figure it out on my own and as crazy as I may be sounding right now like I don't think you really understand how hard it is to constantly hear somebody complain about having to help you especially when you know that you was there for them especially when you know that you literally not asking for anything that you wouldn't reciprocate in return like I had pretty much three breaks but three breakdowns this week and I had it for two days I still have a migraine and I don't even know how to get rid of it at this point I went to bed with a migraine woke up with one and it's like every angle I turn in to try and get some support it's like a dead end it's a dead end and don't get me wrong I get help from my parents like they help me so much they help me so much regardless of all the shit they have going on they're busy they're working they're hustling they have bills to pay they have their lives so they but they but I live with them so they do help me the most out of all but it's literally only so much my mother as one person to do my father as one person to do you know so asking my sisters to help me until I get certain obligations I have on my plate done it's too much to ask they're acting like if I'm just asking them to take care of me for the rest of my life while I lay in bed and that's not even a case I'll ask them to help me so that I can get work done if y'all see the tears y'all know that it goes a bit deeper than my words can see but I am tired like this cold is taking its time and boring because one I'm not getting a rest there's so much going on in my mind I can't even get my mind to stop long enough so I can take a nap the baby is super right now this is like the perfect time for me to take a nap and I can't even sleep because there's so much going on in my head so much going on in my head so anyways I don't know how this week is gonna turn out but my parents being gone and I have to get this baby's birth certificate application in by Friday I haven't gotten a name for him yet I have to go to Human Services Friday I have a his newborn checkup tomorrow morning because I need to do that in order to submit the documents with his birth paper application like and then I have to give um this lady her wholesale order she actually texted me a little while ago asking what's the update on the order because she's trying to have it in time to ship ship the items to her st. Thomas store and I saw her message and I just had to just ignore it for a minute because my brain couldn't even process the fact that I have to tell her I'm not gonna have her stuff ready until at least by Friday I need at least until Friday unless even pushing it because technically I don't I don't even make a finish on this by Friday I have so much labels to put on and then I still have to bottle out my oils label those and then price them I have to finish my pricing first thing first I have to get rid of this migraine and then figure out the rest I was burning this rosemary because I'm trying to clear my mind a little bit it out this out now but I'm gonna light it again try to take some deep breaths and lay down to see if I could just rest in my private and then later wake up and try and get some work done I don't know this but I I'm literally just venting at this point because I don't like my mom my mother is gone I didn't get to go to my therapy session yesterday and I just have so much on my mind I need somebody to talk to it shouldn't be this hard when you have so much family you know I have such selfish siblings like I don't know how we come from the same parents because they are so selfish I hit it I cannot I cannot wrap my head around how selfish my siblings are they're just good time people like they want to be around have a good time with you talk laugh have fun but as soon as things get hard as soon as things get a little hard they want to tap out it's too much for them because now your life is being an inconvenience for my life and I need a break I don't even think my siblings don't care what I went through they don't care what I'm going through they don't care about me not working not having an income having three boys to take care of they don't care about any of that all they care is that this is not their responsibility they want to be able to live their life how they want when they want and even though it's just for a week I am asking them too much just a week my mother didn't ask them from the long for this week that they're gone can you come here and help and that's too much for them it's too much it's like it's like literally begging at this point and I'm not a beggar I gotta find another solution anyways that is all for my June 1st act if I do post this video anywhere it definitely will be on my patreon because I'm not posting this on youtube but uh peace out y'all y'all gonna see me in my next video hopefully my next one is in better spirits