 Hi everybody and welcome back to our podcast from the Kamasutra to 2020, where we look at your questions, your concerns, even your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality. So as always we have with us Dr Anvita Madan Behel. Anvita is a psychosexual therapist and she brings the psychological perspective to the advice that the Kamasutra has to give. Welcome Anvita. Thank you Seema and welcome to our podcast this week. Today I have a question for you which I think that we haven't actually dealt with this question in this permutation. We've talked a lot about erectile dysfunction, we've talked about weak erections and so on, but this one is a slightly different one and I think that this young man is certainly going to need your help about this question. So he says that he's quite young, he's 20 years old and he says that his problem is that he cannot ejaculate and he cannot achieve orgasm. Now the question is in quite a few parts and I'm going to read them all out to you and then we'll just take it one bit at a time. So his first thing is that he says that as a teenager he rarely ever masturbated but when he did he found that he could not achieve orgasm and he could not ejaculate. So I know that you've always said that ejaculate and orgasm aren't necessarily the same thing so I don't know you might want to touch upon that because maybe he doesn't realize it. So anyway he says that he couldn't either ejaculate or achieve orgasm and he was wondering whether there was something wrong with him. He says that he does ejaculate in his sleep sometimes so the involuntary ejaculation does happen but it doesn't happen when he's actually trying. The second thing he says is that he's now dating a young girl and they've been to first base so they've kissed they've done a few other things now she wants to go the whole way but he's getting really frightened because he doesn't know if he will be able to either ejaculate or have an orgasm and will this destroy his relationship and will it become more of a problem so I think I can already see on your face that there is that whole psychological issue that's coming into it. Number three he says that he's worried that if this continues will this affect his sperm count and affect his ability to have children in the future so that's something else to think about and finally and I think quite a sad thing he says that he can't go to his parents with this because he says that my relationship with them will become awkward because they are kind of conservative when it comes to sex and stuff and I just thought that was really sad that at age 20 when you've got such a big worry looming ahead of you that your parents are not your first people to go to because you know because they've got this old-fashioned idea that they can't actually talk to their children about stuff like this so I think that he definitely needs your help. Yeah what I would just start with is that I can hear a lot of worries and there is a lot of worry and that might be actually not helping the situation it actually might be actually causing the delayed ejaculation and it's kind of a bad situation because it's hard not to worry but actually the worry can impact the ejaculation and we'll talk about that but I just want to firstly now that he's speaking about it and I'm sure a lot of men have this issue I want to say that there is nothing known as a normal time to ejaculate and there's this myth or idea that people need to ejaculate within a certain time or it should happen you know in a set amount of time some men take longer and just because you take longer doesn't mean that there is a problem so just remember that they're different like different men take a different time and also added to that that there could be if there was a physiological problem that the involuntary nightfall would not be happening and if somebody has never ejaculated like there has never been involuntary ejaculation they've never ejaculated then we would suggest going to a medical doctor just to make sure that there's nothing physically that is blocking or is something wrong sometimes we see retrograde ejaculation which basically means the semen's going back into the body and coming out in the pee and that is related to diabetes so there are issues related to ejaculate not coming out but it doesn't seem like that is an issue here in some ways but for others if you're not ejaculating at all and you can't even see it as part of a nightfall then it might you know be recommended to go and see a medical doctor and then you know obviously there obviously seems to be there could be psychological issues here which we can go more in depth with as we talk about these issues I think one of the things that you've said before and I think maybe we should bring it up again is that a lot of men don't realize that they that they don't have to be ejaculating to orgasm I think that in most people's mind it the two things just come together that if you're ejaculating it means you have an orgasm but that's not necessarily the case so it could also be that he's thinking that he's not orgasming just because he's not ejaculating yeah so you know orgasm in men could be without ejaculation but like most you know most people and most men because majority of the time it happens together we believe that orgasm and ejaculation are the same things in some ways and to orgasm we need to ejaculate it's not true all the time it is true majority of the times but it is not true all the time and I'm sure you can speak to this more but there are because there's such myths around masturbation and in some cultures it is seen to be not healthy to masturbate and the problem is losing your ejaculate using your semen people actually have found techniques to retain semen but we've spoken about it in a previous video that it is a myth that losing semen leads to lack of fertility or masculinity and that is not true actually but I'm sure you can speak more to it about yeah I think that you know there is this I do think that because of the way that everybody seems to think about it that everybody's kind of come to this conclusion that ejaculation means orgasm and that that's just the way that it happens just like a lot of women feel so worried because they say I'm really turned on but I'm not getting wet that it doesn't necessarily happen just because you are really turned on because you're really aroused you won't necessarily get wet bodies are different and I think that yeah I mean as far as losing the ejaculate is concerned a lot of people try because at some point or the other this myth comes their way that you know by by losing their ejaculate they're going to become weaker that this will happen to them you know there's that whole no-fab movement which is happening at the moment so every young person every man at some stage of his life will come across this this pressure to say oh no don't ejaculate because that's actually bad for you and I don't know at what stage I guess it comes to you and whether it becomes part of your psychological makeup and then it stops you from doing it well so you know psychologically what we really need to keep in mind is what is your relationship with sex and what is your relationship with masturbation what has happened before in some ways like some of the examples that one can give is that say you masturbated previously but if there were any bad experiences connected to it or you have anger you know like if we if you look at the relationship in some ways if you feel angry towards certain people like say you feel angry towards women because you've been teased in school or something has been happened and then you're masturbating to women you can see how they can be anger present because now you're masturbating to something that you completely dislike right and that could be a combination I've spoken before where I had seen a gentleman who hated masturbation and believed that he was actually addicted to it and but there was a lot of anger because the first foreign video he had seen was a violent one and there was domestic violence in his house so he believed that he was masturbating to domestic violence which then you know problematic so we can see how there are all these things that are working in our mind which might stop us from masturbating you know from ejaculating sorry because suddenly you know we're feeling guilty we're feeling angry we're upset we are like we're like really wondering how we can masturbate to these ideas or these fantasies and also fantasies right what is your fantasy is your fantasy making you feel guilty is it making you feel upset like what is the emotion that is coming inside you when you're masturbating or you're having sex you know so those things are really important to reflect on yeah and I guess it must be difficult at the age of 20 when you have no other adult that you can go to to think about these things and actually work it out because I'm sure that this is not something that you can think about very easily like you know really go into the deeper part of your brain and try and figure out what it is that that's stopping you or blocking your energies and so on so I think on this particular point I would really advise this young man that he should see somebody if it is about or actually spend some time trying to figure out what it is that gets in the way or what what stops him from feeling like that but coming to the next point that he makes about his girlfriend now I think to worry about to actually just go and enjoy it for what it is we are constantly recommending to men that you know when you are with a person when you're having penetrated sex there is so many other things to think about when it comes to let's say the woman's pleasure and equally the man's pleasure it doesn't have to end in an ejaculation or an orgasm as we've said it's not a risk to the finish lots of steps on the way that you can get off any way you want so do you want to address that yeah so one I understand the body like I hear the body but as he can see the worry is actually going to prevent him from orgasm because what's going to happen is that he will start a sexual relationship and then he'll be doing what we call spectatory is looking in and saying am I going to come am I going to come what is going to happen oh we're reaching this point you know so the worry will actually come in the way and so one of the things that we always suggest is foreplay foreplay foreplay like we always say and to like learn and and I was going to go a little bit into a little bit later what we call mindful masturbation where you're focusing and realizing what are the different stages of your arousal you know in some ways being very aware that this is happening in my body this is happening in the body or when this happens like when I have sensation in my thighs or when I have sensations in my legs I know that I am going to reach a point of no return you know that is my point when I'm going to ejaculate or when the orgasm is going to happen so being very aware of those things and you can achieve those through foreplay and so you penetrate when you reach that point you know rather than oh you know sex has to happen where we'll kiss we'll hug and now I need to penetrate and obviously it's going to take a very long time but if you spend time in foreplay and then you know okay I've reached that point and at that point be present in the moment don't start worrying and thinking because what can easily happen is that you penetrate and you say oh shit now am I going to come what is going to happen and you will lose an erection or it will take longer so be present and enjoy the love making rather than value. So I think that's really great so we're going to end this video with you actually explaining this idea of mindful masturbation a little bit more I guess I'm sure that that's going to help certainly this young man and hopefully a lot of other people because yes I think that that's a really intelligent way forward because I can I can sense and we could be wrong but we think that this is a psychological problem that's actually holding him back. Now I was also thinking that you know if you are so worried like if he's terribly worried about the fact that he won't ejaculate when he has penetrated maybe wearing a condom would help because then at least you can disguise it you know then at least you don't have to say it to her that oh look I you know it has it doesn't have to be something that's brought up or flagged up. I mean that's definitely a cheeky suggestion having an armor at the back like that's what we say about using Viagra like take the Viagra so that you don't need to worry about the erection like it's there and then you can reduce it as and when. So if it is about protecting yourself from what your girlfriend thinks then I think yeah that's an interesting cheeky suggestion but obviously in the long term we would say communicate with your girlfriend have her on board that she can help you with it and you know you can together make sure that you orgasm and like you said also is orgasm the end of all it like if you can have a good sexual experience and you can help her orgasm and you're fine then does it really matter you know so and then so ultimately we would obviously want them to be honest and communicate but if it is a young relationship and you don't want to bear all then I think actually it's a good suggestion. Great and tell me do you think that he should go and see somebody in the way of a doctor about the fact that the sperm count might be low and this might affect his childbearing abilities? I don't so when we normally talk about you know the sperm actually reducing it is mostly we see that more in elderly men like when we say that there is an orgasm without an ejaculate what we tend to say is that the ejaculate is so less that people tend to miss it like they don't it's like such a dribble that they think that they're orgasming without an ejaculate. I you know so I don't think it's something to worry about now he's not really having kids I feel like there's a lot to rule out to make sure that it's not got to do with his experiences in the past like what is he connecting masturbation to and all those like there's a lot to rule out before actually going and seeing a medical professional you know a medical person and but if it and like I said if he didn't have wet dreams I would definitely suggest that but because he's having wet dreams and he is ejaculating we know things are working we just know that when he is emotionally present they tend to not work and that's the connection we need to fulfill. I also liked what you just said about foreplay foreplay foreplay that you know try and do it together because I think that sometimes if you can actually spend time like we like we say that you know a man should do for a woman you know spend time before you actually penetrate make sure that she's aroused you know sort of do more things to help her to come to a certain point I think it would be wonderful if you was if you as a person or him as a person or the two of them together can do the same thing for him as well because if one person feels that there is some kind of issue then it's wonderful if the two of them can come together and actually work towards it but I still feel that the first thing is going to come from his mind I think that if you start feeling that it's going to be a problem I think that you've already set yourself back a little bit and I'm just wondering whether you know aside from this the technique that you're going to talk about in a minute that if there's actually anything else I mean like how about a relaxant of some kind would that help? I think if you try and help relax and that's part of mindful you know a masturbation but one of the things that we need to realize and that's true for orgasm for a man or a woman there is a little bit of letting go you know you have to let go you lose control you feel powerless you feel vulnerable in the moment you know there's no going back in some ways and all those emotions happen with an orgasm and a lot of times I have worked with women where they just are not ready to orgasm because it feels like they're losing control and that's true for men as well like you have to understand that you have to allow the letting go and if you're struggling with any issues around loss of control or loss of power or feeling vulnerable or letting yourself lose or you know relaxing and all those issues will you know come in the way in some ways so yes that is true in some ways that you have to if there are any issues in the background you have to overcome them to be able or at least make the connection that okay I am being unable to masturbate because each time that I engage with this activity I start thinking about oh shit this is going to happen and so at least making the connection will be helpful and in his case it might even be the fact that you know if he says that his parents are that sort of awkward about sex and that's strict about not talking about it maybe so sort of background narrative that you go up with you know where you believe that I mean how many of us actually truly do believe that this is sinful it's a bad thing we feel guilt over it and we've been trying to break down these stereotypes and say think of it as something beautiful think of it as pleasure but even that shift there's an automatic guilt feeling around it yeah and sometimes we don't understand the little things that can have an impact like I had worked with the young boy who was actually struggling with ejaculation rapid ejaculation but his mother he the first time he was masturbating his mother had walked into the room that shame of you know and his mother was like like you know or something like that so that shame of being walked into by his mother had carried so each time he has sex or masturbation that's playing on his mind in some ways or you know where are you masturbating are you just always worried thinking somebody's going to walk in somebody's going to walk in or something's going to happen is it not a nice place are you not in a comfortable place where are you so all those things actually if you think about it it's training a muscle you know in some way so if it has each time you try masturbating and you stopped because you got worried you started and you stopped and you started and you stopped in some ways your body health kind of we have to change that training we have to change the training for it to happen faster because it might be taking longer and also we might also have to change the training where maybe you want to use some oils make it softer make it more similar to what a vagina feels like you know so you can use some oils in masturbate do it in a place where you're not scared about somebody walking in it feels safe like things like that that can help as well yeah I think that that makes a huge amount of difference you know my latest research has been on the 30 love festivals that used to take place in ancient India so we we go on about that one Valentine's Day these days in ancient India in springtime in the month of Chetra there were 30 three zero love festivals and they're amazing because they're all about this idea of pleasure and it's not that they were particularly graphic you know they're all sorts of little sweet things I mean you know what's that's a funny cute different things that happen on each day to celebrate but I was just thinking it basically was to change the mindset you know even if you say that okay today the two lovers sit down and they they pluck lotus flowers and feed lotus flowers to each other or on another day it's about throwing or you know hitting each other with mango shoots like you know leaves of the mangoes on another day it was about getting together with your boyfriend or your girlfriend so the boys would get together with just their friends and the girls would get together with their friends and they would it would actually be about giggling and talking about prospective lovers of prospective people in your life and it was just such a wonderful way I think of making it so much more normal whereas today we kind of go the other way and say this is all really bad and I mean how many times have we had people writing in and saying today's a religious festival I've kept a fast should I be having sex with my wife so you know today we're actually dealing with it as a bad thing so I think it does impact the psyche in some place so as we come to a close three top tips for your mindful masturbation workshop yeah so as you know I just go read up about it's now a big thing for both for men and women called mindful masturbation and one of the basic idea is basically about being present and being really connected with your mind and your body in some ways both we have to remember the mind body and emotions are all connected together so if you're worried the circuit is shut if you're if something's wrong physiologically the circuit is broken if emotionally you're feeling anger or guilt something gone wrong so we need all three connected we need to be present exactly what we said we have to think come come from a point of pleasure rather than from a place of guilt or shame or taboo and be really aware of the sensations in your body like the more you're aware of the sensations in their body the more the emotion gets connected you know when you suddenly feel that tingling in your stomach you you know you're you're basically sending a message to your brain saying oh that's the beginning of arousal you know when you feel something in your legs or your thighs you know once again it's a good emotion it's pleasure there and it's sending a message to the body saying oh the arousal is getting better or stronger and I'm going to orgasm anytime so the connection is really important so I would highly recommend people going and two things for people to go and read and research and look at it on their own one is called mindful masturbation and the other one is called the arousal circuit understanding a little bit of your physiology and how an ejaculation or an orgasm works for men is very helpful and you can easily find those two things so that's just some tips for them to go and work on yeah yeah yeah because I was just thinking you know from what you said that like literally sometimes you get to a particular point and you think okay this is where the worry starts or when you actually begin you start from a point of worry you know where you start from a point of fretting and thinking am I going to be able to achieve it so I guess the thing to do is to stop thinking of it as a race to the finish say to yourself whatever will be whatever will happen will happen let's not think about what will happen and go with the flow and maybe you know maybe that might break that that circuit of fear and maybe stop you feeling the way that you're doing yeah you know in delayed ejaculation I can't draw it or I can't show it but basically arousal circuits work where you're coming to a point and then you tip and it plateaus like you orgasm and then it plateaus but what happens is that when you reach this point in delayed ejaculation something might be happening emotionally where you might say oh it's happening you know will it happen you might get worried or you might get feelings of anger might be there or guilt might be there and you lose the momentum you lose the momentum and then you know you have to build up again and you might lose the momentum again and then you might have to build up again so you can just see that you're just getting to a point losing it getting to a point losing it and it would just take longer for you to finally come so we need to basically reflect and that would come through mind for my estimation as well what is happening why are you losing the momentum what is happening at that point where you think oh i'm just going to you know cross the line and then suddenly something happens and you just withdraw like what is there what is happening at that point so just in closing I'd like to recap everything that Anvita and I discussed today about this particular issue the first thing is that the ejaculate is not necessarily connected to the orgasm most men think that they are orgasming at the same time as they ejaculate a lot of times it does happen but that is not always the case so don't tie one up with the other if you find that you're not ejaculating it could be that you're orgasming anyway so that's one thing to not worry about the second thing is that sometimes you have what is called retrograde ejaculation is that correct under the retrograde ejaculation which is where you don't actually ejaculate the semen goes back up inside you and it tends to come out it with your weed this could be an this could be an early sign of diabetes so please do have it checked if you think that you're not ejaculating and that it's actually going back up again do go and see a doctor about that number three and the one that we think is the most important one it's the psychological issue it becomes a vicious cycle because you're not orgasming you're not ejaculating you're worrying you're worrying and that is making you not ejaculate and not orgasm some more and then you worry some more and it becomes worse and worse so you need to break that cycle you need to say to yourself if I don't ejaculate it doesn't matter I'm just going to enjoy the process for for whatever it is whatever's happening enjoy it in the moment don't worry about the finishing line um number four I know another cause it's a little cheeky thing to do but I think it's actually a great idea if you're worrying that you're having sex and oh my god my new girlfriend will discover that I haven't ejaculated what's wrong with me where a condom she will not know till you are ready to actually discuss it with her and finally um try the idea of mindful masturbation we do so much other mindful meditation therapy for ourselves try this one it's a new one even for me but I have to say that it sounds like a really good idea because if you really want to break that cycle you need to understand where that cycle is getting stuck where the blockage is happening just like you would do it for your mental balance do it for your sexual health and your mental health at the same time and foreplay foreplay foreplay is the most important table absolutely we always say in the coming through we say that you know what that is the answer to most problems whatever else you cannot do in the end if the pleasure has been had if you have managed to enjoy it thoroughly nobody's going to worry about where you finish the race it's all about the journey it's all about the process so go have fun with it go and enjoy it be joyous really enjoy your your um your love with yourself and with your partner don't worry about what happens in the end I agree you know and and and don't worry and I know there's a lot of worry for this young man and it can actually lead to more problems as he you know grows older and he's already worrying about children and he's not even ready to have children so I hope he can solve this problem sooner than later because it will become more complex as he grows older well if you've learned something from that video if you found that useful do like comment subscribe send your questions into info.seema.onand at gmail.com if you need to contact Anvita for a consultation she is on anvita.madanbeheller gmail.com and it's right below uh under so it's right there if you need to look it up we will see you next week take care of yourselves in the meantime see you next time