 Is Maxwell House really the only coffee in the world? Well, your father says so, and your father knows best. Yes, it's Father Knows Best, transcribed in Hollywood, starring Robert Young as father. A half-hour visit with your neighbor, the Anderson. Brought to you by America's favorite coffee, Maxwell House. The coffee that's always good to the last drop. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely play it. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts. That's solid stuff, you know? And to prove that Shakespeare was an exceedingly sensible cookie who generally knew what time it was, we'd like you to stop off for a while in Springfield. There, in a certain white frame house occupied by the Anderson's, the dinner hour approaches. And with it, why, sure, another crisis like this. But, Mother, what if he says no? We mustn't think of it that way, dear. Just think that he's going to say yes. Is this the plate, Mommy? Yes, dear. Thank you very much. You're welcome. We've had everybody in the whole company read the part, and they all look so young. Why don't you have Daddy do it? He's real old. Kathy, please. Well, isn't he? Your father is not old. He's older than my teacher. Mother, if she keeps that up, he'll never do it. Your father will do it, Betty. I promise you. Now, we'll have Billy sit over here. Why can't he sit next to me? Darling, a guest sits on the hostess's right hand. He does? Yes, dear. How does she eat? Kathy. Well, if Billy's going to sit on Mommy's hand... Oh, stop it. We're in the dining room, bud. Mom, Mr. Crandall said he didn't think one quart would be enough for six people, so I got two quarks. Oh, dear. We'll never be able to eat that much ice cream. Who won't? Well, put it in the freezer like a good boy. Okay. Want me to help, bud? Never mind. I don't need any help. Can I? Well, carry the pistachio. Nobody likes it anyway. Mother. Betty, will you please stop worrying? But how can I? This is the most important thing in my life. All you have to do is start a conversation about the theater and leave the rest to me. Oh, Romeo. Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo? Billy says if we can't get somebody to play Romeo's father, we'll have to do Macbeth. Well, that's a very nice play. Mother, how can you say that? There's nothing in it for me. Margaret, I'm home. We're in the dining room, Jim. Okay, I'll be right in. Mother, if he says he won't do it, I'll die. I know, dear. I mean, I really will. Just see to it that the conversation gets around to the theater and you won't have to. But how can you... Never mind. Hello, dear. Hello, honey. What's going on in here? Oh, nothing very much. Betty and I were just talking. Father, speaking of the theater... Betty. What? I mean, I think the theater plays a very important part in everything, don't you? I suppose so. How come the extra place? Somebody coming for dinner? Billy Smith. Oh, don't they ever eat at his house? Father. Your father's only joking, Betty. I am not. In the last week, he's had dinner here five times. Why doesn't he just bring his toothbrush and move in? Jim, you know that whenever Billy and Betty are rehearsing for a play... I rehearsed for plays when I was in college and I didn't have dinner with the leading lady every night. Father, speaking of the theater... Hiya, Dad. What did you get here? Just now. Father. I took my bike down to Mr. Adams and he says it needs a whole new spark-a-chain. Well, he knows more about it than we do. Tell him to fix it. Father. But I was thinking, that's going to be $2.25. And for just another $93.60, I can get a gasoline scooter. But I'm trying to talk to Father. So am I. I've got a great idea. Why don't you talk to one another? What's the paper, honey? The living room. Kathy, your father's home. Probably the only one in the whole house who doesn't want to put a bite on me for something. Are you going into the living room, Father? Has it been moved? Then I'm going into the living room. I'll go with you. Me too. That'll be nice. But have dinner in about half an hour, dear. Okay, honey. Mother, aren't you coming with us? I don't think so. I ought to go into the kitchen and... But you said... All right, dear. I'll come along. What's this all about, Margaret? Are you and Betty up to something? Why, Jim... That's what I like. A nice Anderson-type answer. There's so much more interesting than just a plain yes or no. Well, dear, it's... Kathy? Yes, Mommy? Turn the light off under the spinach. It's off. It is? We'll turn it on like a good girl. Yes, Mommy? And don't you dare touch the ice cream. Margaret? Yes, dear? You can change the subject 463 times, and I'm still going to remember. What are you and Betty up to? Up to? I beg your pardon. To what are you and Betty up? You want to know something, Dad? Bud? Just a minute, Betty. All right, Bud. What is it? You get 40 miles a gallon on the scooter. What's that got to do with Betty? I didn't say it had anything to do with Betty. I just said... Father, speaking of the theater... Who said anything about the theater? I think I'd better get back to the kitchen. Margaret, please. Well, I've got... Oh, dear. The doorbell rang. Mother, it's Billy, and I haven't even asked him. Asked who? You. What? What I was supposed to ask you. Now, look, Margaret. The doorbell rang. Thank you, dear. Bud? And that's only half a cent a mile. Well, it's practically half a cent a mile, and you get a guarantee. Margaret, I'm going to give you a guarantee. In just about two minutes, the top of my head is going to fly off. That'll be nice, dear. Betty, will you please tell me what this is all about? Well, maybe I'd better tell you, dear. All right. I'll tell him, Mother. Betty. After all, it's my problem. I know, dear, but... Margaret. Yes, Jim? Why don't you toss for it? Father. Yes? Betty, it's Billy Smith. Hi, Betty. Oh, no. Hi, Mrs. Anderson. Hello, Billy. Mr. Anderson. Jim. Hmm? Oh, hello, Billy. Sure is a nice night out tonight, isn't it? Hello, Billy. Isn't it? It's a nicer night out than it is in. I'll tell you that. It is, huh? It certainly is. I guess that means you won't, huh? I won't, what? Jim, please. Margaret, if you love me, please tell me what this is all about. You mean you haven't even told him? We've been trying to, but... Margaret. I'll tell you, dear. You see... Dad, not now, bud. Yes, Margaret? Well? But I forgot to tell you something. It's unconditional. What is? The guarantee. Bud. And Mr. Adams said... Bud. Yes, Dad? Go water the lawn. But there's snow all over it. Go water the snow. At night? Bud, why don't you go into the kitchen and keep Cathy company? But Dad just said... Go ahead, bud. You heard your mother. Holy cow. There is a nice night out tonight, isn't it? Margaret, before anyone else rings a bell or toots a toot. What? What? That's right. What? Oh. Well, I told the children it was ridiculous, but they wouldn't listen to me. Mother! After all, your father hasn't done anything like that since he left school. Like what? But we could help him, Mrs. Anderson. And he'd pick it up in no time at all. I'd pick what up? Mother, you said you'd help us. And now you won't even ask. Betty. Darling, I know exactly what your father's going to say. Margaret. But you promised. Not 10 minutes ago, you promised. I know, dear, but... Kill the guard. You said to leave the whole thing to you, right in the dining room, didn't you? Yes, dear, but... Genevieve. Jim, will you please stop interrupting? It's very rude. Sorry, dear. I guess I was just carried away. Father, will you? I do. I now pronounce you man and wife. Shall we dance? It's the most important thing in my life. What is? For you to be in our play. Well, it certainly took you long enough to play. Me? You see, Betty, I told you. Margaret, just a minute, please. Betty, what play? Romeo and Juliet. It's the Springfield Little Theater, Mr. Anderson, and you'd be a sensation. I mean, you really would. Romeo and Juliet, huh? Say you'll do it, Father. Please say you will. Boy, I haven't done anything like that since... Oh, I'm too old. But, Father, that's why... You see, Betty, I told you that's what he'd say, didn't I? No, Mother, you said... After all, when you haven't been on a stage for 25 years... 25? No such thing. It hasn't been over 20. I know, dear. Matter of fact, it's only 19. Jim Anderson, you certainly don't intend to go bouncing around a stage at your age. Well, of course I don't intend... What's the matter with my age? Well, nothing, dear. Some of the greatest actors of all time reach their hikes at my age. Edwin Booth, John Barrymore, uh... Sarah Bernhardt? Thank you, Sarah Bernhardt. Dear, this is a theater for young people. Mother, please. Margaret, there is a certain wisdom and understanding that comes with maturity. And that's what this part needs, maturity. And how? I might give a performance that... Well, actually, I'd only be doing it to help Betty. You mean you will? We'll be awfully grateful, Mr. Anderson. Well, when you put it like that, all right. Father! How good. Oh, gosh. Stop it, you're getting lipstick all over me. I've never been so happy in my whole life. Fine. Now, if you don't mind, I'll go into the den and read my paper. Go ahead, dear. We'll call you when dinner's ready. Thank you. And you needn't look at me like that, Margaret. I've given my word and it's all settled. All right, dear. Mother, why did you keep saying... Betty, not now. Tell me I'm too old. But, Sol, what light through yonder window breaks? She's just jealous because they didn't ask her to play Julia, that's all. Never felt better in my life. Go up that balcony like a monkey on a string. At my age. It is the east and Julia is the sun. Arise, fair son, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief, that thou her maid art far more fair than she. Be not her maid that she... Poor father. He might have known that the family plans an entirely different role for him. But life's like that. For example, that man you know as your husband, he plays another very important role too. Yes, ma'am, that husband of yours is the world's greatest coffee expert. He's the man who knows best about truly good coffee, cup after cup. Of course, people call us experts too. That's because more people buy our Maxwell House coffee than any other brand. But when you brew the coffee, the critic you want to please is the expert you married. And tomorrow, if you'll fill his cup with Maxwell House, we promise he'll beam and say, now that's what I call real coffee. We're sure he'll say that. So sure we'll give you back your money if he doesn't. You see, no other coffee has that same good to the last drop flavor, a flavor that can come only from the famous Maxwell House recipe. It's a very particular recipe, which insists on certain fine coffees blended a very special way. And this recipe belongs to Maxwell House alone. No other coffee is made like Maxwell House. That's why no other coffee tastes like Maxwell House. Tomorrow, then, take home a pound of our coffee, pour a cup of Maxwell House for your husband. If he doesn't say best coffee ever, send us the can and unused portion. We'll return every penny you paid. Our address is right on every familiar blue tin. So how about it? Tomorrow, serve your husband the coffee with the world's most famous flavor, Maxwell House. Always good to the last drop. The dinner hour has passed, and we can't think of a better time for a neat little quotation. To wit, after the storm comes a calm. Or is it after a calm comes the storm? Anyway, with the Andesons, it's different. After the crisis comes another crisis like this. Now just a minute, Betty. But, Father, we never said you were going to play Romeo. We never said I wasn't going to play it, or him. Gosh, Mr. Anderson, we practically told you. Romeo's grandfather. It isn't his grandfather, Father. It's his father. Well, he sure doesn't have anything to say. Look at it. Four whole scenes, and what have I said? Ah, yes. Father. Six times. They talk about you all the time. Why don't I just stay home and let them talk about me from there? Father. And stop saying father. Jumping creepers. Mr. Anderson, why don't you look at it this way? Without Romeo's father, there wouldn't be any play. The way you've butchered Shakespeare, I'm surprised he doesn't turn out to be an orphan. Billy, why don't we pick up the scene after Tibblet goes out? Okay. Do you have the place, Mr. Anderson? What difference does it make? Just pinch me when it's time, and I'll say, ah, yes. Father, this is your big scene. Oh, well, it's about time. Are you ready? I've been ready for years. Okay. If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this. My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss. Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this. This is my big scene. We're getting to it, Father. Like you did in the last scene by way of Denver. Go ahead, Billy. It's your line. Oh, um... For saints have hands. I've got it. Daddy, Mommy said I could watch. Father! You're alone, Betty. She'll be all right. Reapers. For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, and palm to palm is Holy Palmer's kiss. Have not saints lips and Holy Palmer's too? When I grow up, I'm going to be an actress. Kathy. Kathy, you'll have to be quiet. This is my big scene. It is? Can't you tell? Why don't they let you say something? Don't worry, Angel. They'll start talking about me any minute. Oh! Go ahead, Betty. Father! Pardon me, but did anybody happen to see the ink? You got it the last time you were in here. Oh. Oh, uh, that was the blue ink. What color do you want now? Uh, red. Well, don't ask me. You're the one who wants it. Yeah, that's it. Red. Why do you suddenly need red ink? I need it. That's all. Go ahead, Betty. He isn't interfering with anything. But if he keeps coming in here... Teach him to say ah, yes, and he can have my part. Father, please. I can say ah, yes. I can, too. You see? Mr. Anderson, if you'd rather not do the part... Yes? Go ahead, Betty. It's your turn. Oh, okay. Oh, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do. Dad. Saints do not move. They'll grant for prayer's sake. Then move not, while my prayers affect I take. Dad, thus from my lips by thine my sin is purged. Dad. Just a minute, Billy. What is it, bud? Are people gonna pay to hear that? Of course. Holy cow. This happens to be the most beautiful play ever written. It is, huh? It certainly is. Just wait a while. We haven't reached the funny part where everybody gets killed. Oh! I don't even understand it. Who does? Father. Go ahead, Betty. Let's get it over with. Mr. Anderson, I'm beginning to think... And it's about time. Go ahead. Yes, sir. Oh, trespass sweetly urged. Give me my sin again. You kiss by the book. Well? That's where the nurse comes in. Fine. Right now I can use a nurse. Maybe we better do another scene. We'll do this one. Kathy, you can be the nurse. Oh, boy! Father. You seem to forget this is my big scene. Go ahead, Kathy. What? Read. Where? I don't care. Just pick out a place and read. Okay. It's here where it says nurse. Mary Bachelor? That's it. How can he be a bachelor if he's married? Stop asking questions and read. Gee whiz. Mary Bachelor? Her mother is the lady of the house. That's silly. Never mind, Kathy. Now what? Benvolio comes in with Capulet. Now we're getting someplace. All right, bud. What? You're Benvolio. I am? Sure. This is my big scene. Everybody's got lines. Except me. Go ahead, bud. Good grief. Away be gone. The sport is at the best. What's so beautiful about that? Father. Yes, Penny? The next line is yours. No! Well, let's have your line again, bud. Again? Please? Holy cow. Away be gone. The sport is at the best. Ah, yes! I can go inside and lie down for a while. Hi. I have? Well, say, business is picking up. Let's go. I so I fear the more is my unrest. Hey, this is a big one. Stand back, everybody. Give me room. Nay, gentlemen, prepare not to be gone. We have a trifling foolish banquet tour. Mr. Anderson, I... Is it in so? Why, then, I thank you all. Please, Mr. Anderson. I thank you, honest gentlemen, good night. Mr. Anderson. Ah, sirah, by my fave. Please, Mr. Anderson. Billy, will you please keep still? But I have to tell you, that's been cut. Ah, sirah, by my fave. We cut everything, but, nay, gentlemen. That's my big scene. Well... Two lines. The play's awfully long, Mr. Anderson. Ah, yes, and nay, gentlemen. Later on, you say, by my troth. How bully. Snackers is getting along in here. Mother. I've got some nice cookies and some chocolate milk. Mother, we can't stop for anything like that. I can. Me too. Billy, we're never going to get this right. Well... Now, there's the first sensible thing I've heard tonight. This whole thing is ridiculous. Just a minute, Mr. Anderson. Margaret, if these kids go through with this play, they'll be the laughing stock of Springfield. Father. Jim, really. They haven't the faintest idea of what Shakespeare is all about. They don't know any more about it than Bud does. What did I do? Well, if you know so much about Shakespeare... I don't. But I'm old enough to realize that I don't. Betty, can't you see? This is a foreign language to you and Billy. It's beautiful. If it's read properly, sure. But you've got to walk before you can run. You aren't doing Shakespeare. You're murdering it. Why don't you do something you understand, something we all understand? Like what? Well, something simple, something American. But there aren't any American things that are beautiful. What? Not like the balcony scene. Betty, I'll make a deal with you. I'm not an actor. I'm a businessman. A plane, ordinary insurance salesman. If I read you something American, the most American thing I know, and you agree that it's beautiful, will you do things my way? What if we think it's awful? I'll do Romeo and Juliet till the ah-yes is piled three feet high. Billy? What can we lose? Go ahead, Mr. Anderson. Okay. Let's see, I had it right here. Oh, here we are. Now remember, I'm not an actor. I'm just reading words, but they're words we can all understand, especially in times like these. Are you ready? We're ready. All right. Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate. We cannot consecrate. We cannot hallow this ground. The brave men living and dead who struggle here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note no longer remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us, the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion. That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and that government of the people by the people for the people shall not perish from the earth. Our Maxwell House coffee. Then serve a cup of wonderful Maxwell House to the world's greatest coffee expert, your husband. Yes, and when he smiles at you and says, best coffee ever, you'll know it's Maxwell House for the most in flavor. So start enjoying Maxwell House tomorrow. Then count all the truly good cups of coffee you get from that one pound. We're sure you'll agree. You do get more for your money, more value, more flavor with Maxwell House. Always good to the last drop. Ring up the curtain. Dim the lights. Pray do not drop a pin. This is a wondrous, breathless time. Our play will now begin. Like this. Mommy. Not now, Kathy. I thought they were going to do Romeo and Juliet. Your father changed their minds. I still don't see Daddy. Kathy, please. You do us great honor, Mr. President. It is a privilege, my child. For if once we forfeit the confidence of our fellow citizens, we can never regain their respect. But isn't it true, Mr. Lincoln, that the American people like to be fooled? Perhaps. But it will pay you to remember that while you may fool some of the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, you can't fool all of the people all the time. Do you agree with me, sir? Ah, yes. When you serve a hot cereal, you don't have to say... You children eat your cereal right now. Just say... Here you are, kid. Hop along Cassidy's favorite hot cereal. Just a little psychology. Yes, to get your children to eat a hot cereal, just tell them post-tweet meal is Hop along Cassidy's favorite hot cereal. And they'll eat it too. Post-tweet meal is chuck full of solid, whole-wheat nourishment. It has a wonderful nut-like flavor, and it cooks in just three and a half minutes. You'll see, you'll all agree, it's the best hot cereal you ever ate. Join us again next week when we'll be back with Father Knows Best. Starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson with Roy Bargy in the Maxwell House Orchestra. In our cast, where Rhoda Williams is Betty, June Whitley, Ted Donaldson, Norma Jean-Nelson, Sam Edwards, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. So until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee. Always good to the last drop. Father Knows Best was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James. Now stay tuned in for Dragnet, which follows immediately over most of these stations.