 The Jack Benny Program. L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Right you are. Yes, sir. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. 80-40-40. Quality of product is essential to continuing success. And lucky strike means fine tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. That says it. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers and warehousemen, present at the auctions, know just who buys what tobacco. They can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently selected by the finer, the lighter, the naturally milder Lucky Strike tobacco. So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. That's 40-40-40-40-40-40-40-40. I mean I didn't Station to Santa Barbara the lucky strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Phil Harris Rochester Larry Stevens and yours truly down Gentlemen tonight since we're playing to these distinguished members of our armed forces I have planned to present to you a kernel a kernel But I'm going to go farther than that. Here's the whole cob Jack Benny You hello again. This is Jack Benny talking and what an introduction that was I thought it was funny. Oh, you did uh, well, let me tell you something brother one more introduction like that And you'll be the first liberated announcer in radio Well, I'm sorry Jack. I didn't mean to be the smart Alec It's just that these boys have been away so long they'd give anything to hear a good joke You know down now that you mentioned I think you're right, you know only last night I saw one of these boys here take you take his girl to a lonely spot in the park sit her down on a bench put His arm around her and just beg her to tell him a joke Anyway fellas, I started to say it's really nice being up here in Santa Barbara I certainly is Jack especially with the ocean being so close if you ask me down the ocean is too close What do you mean somebody around here is bottling it and selling it for beer? Just because it has a little foam on it isn't fooling anybody Believe me all for heaven's sake Jack bottling the ocean and selling it for beer. You're exaggerating Exaggerate down today is the first time I ever drank a bottle of beer with an undertow Almost pulled my tongue down my throat Jack you must be talking about that bear they have up here. It's only three point two now Somebody ought to give it seventy seven more points and get it out of here. Isn't it great to be? Say Mary Mary come here. What is it Jack your lips to get smeared what your lips to get smear Well, what are you whispering about? I didn't want these boys to know it. Who do you think did it? Mary wait a minute you mean you kissed all these fellas here. I had to I ran out of jokes This is one time. I don't blame you there a nice bunch of guys I think so in fact I'm going out with one of them tonight. He's taking me to the flamingo room Yeah, that's basic training set to music Hey, that place sounds kind of rough rough That's not well a couple was jitterbugging. I heard the girls say hey Sam Let's make the next dance a wall if you're kicking the gold out of my teeth Well, Mary if that's the case I don't buy your fellas up to now you've had nothing but corn But now hell this is here in the star is born You want it all the truth fellas a sork laid an egg with a soft shell and they called it Harris Well There was that hanging off your chin seaweed. I just had a bottle of beer They get it right from the ocean. Oh, so that's this what well I bought a bottle of beer pulled off the cap and a mermaid popped out and kissed me Well, are you kidding a mermaid is half girl and half fit? That's all right. I haven't got a date with it till Friday Well, after she's got a fish. I mean a friend for me Now Phil, how about Jack speaking of fish? How about that fin you all meet? Well? You know the five clams we've been on the sixth game of the world series. Oh, yeah. Yes. Here you are down Thanks, but by all rights on Detroit should have won that particular game What do you mean Jackson? Well when you are kicked that single over second base Greenberg could easily have made it from third to home Fine time to stop and light a lucky strike My goodness, but Jack with 40,000 people standing up and yelling LSMF see what else could he do well He didn't have to offer one to the umpire It was a natural reaction the umpire yells strike and Greenberg thought he meant lucky I don't care if he wanted a small picture to stay down third base Anyway, the next time that I come in to Benny. Yes, I'm sergeant Ryan the editor of our local paper You know a lot of the boys here saw you overseas and I'd like to get a story about your last trip Oh, you mean the one I made this past summer through Germany. Yes Well, well sit down sergeant. You better lay down brothers. This is gonna be a long one Quiet soft shell Well, Sergeant Ryan Jack let me tell him all Mary Well the night Jack left he picked me up about 8 30 p.m. At my hotel in New York We were crossing the 59 Josh Mary just think here. I am in the United States in a few hours. I'll be in Europe isn't flying wonderful Yeah, yeah, which I was going with you. I do too Rochester drive a little faster. I don't want to miss the plane Yes, sir. Hey Rochester, where did you pack my violin? I put it in that suitcase with the tag on it Tag what tag the one that's there in case of emergency throw this first Rochester while I'm gone I want you to do the washing polish the furniture wax the floor scrub the kitchen defrost the icebox water the garden and mow the lawn Oh, and I want you to do those things every week no loping like when I was away last year I found out what happened and oh, yes, don't forget to feed the parrot. That's stupid I Didn't buy that pair to keep an eye on you then why were you let us address to him That's none of your business Well, if you thought the parent was smart enough to write me a letter why didn't you take the pen away from them? I did but he went on take it away Another one Never mind that Rochester and hurry to the airport say Jack yes Doesn't make you nervous thinking about flying all the way across the Atlantic Ocean. No, it's nothing doesn't bother me at all Move over here closely very the kid looks like you'd be a little scared. It's like a long flight. It's nothing really I never even think about it. Come on. I want to put my arm around Move over here. I can't your life blast is in the way Oh That's here. I'll move it there. Anyway, how can you put your arm around me while you're wearing that may west It's not inflated yet Now come here. Yeah, that's better You're gonna miss me Mary. Uh-huh You're gonna write to me. Uh-huh You know going out you're not going out with any other fella until I come back. No good now Will you stop pulling my hair? Oh That's all right Jack and when you come back, I'll get the whole gang together and we'll give a big party for you Say that'll be swell a party in just a minute. That reminds me of something a lot. Yes, sir While I'm away this time. I don't want you throwing any parties in my house No, buts about it. I found out about the party you gave last time I was born that lasted until eight o'clock in the morning Tell me more. I'd like to live that one over Is this graceful what in the world could cause a party to last until eight o'clock in the morning? Geniality of companionship army of thought and plenty of ice That's what I thought Rochester, here's the airport turn in here and stop. Yes Come on, Mary. It's almost plain time. You bring my stuff Rochester Constellation leading on runway three for Casa Blanca Tripoli and Cairo Look at all the planes sky master leaving on runway six for Rome Naples and Vienna Exciting. Yeah Oh, go stick leaving on runway five for Anaheim a zoo Guys, I wonder hey Jackson. Oh Bill. I came down to see y'all. Gee that's well like 60 now loading at gate two for Paris Munich and Berlin all of our please. That's me. Mary. That's my plane here. Give me a big kiss. All right Now now Phil, let's just shake hands Get though on a board Rochester. Don't forget all the things I told you. Goodbye everybody. Good-bye boy. Good-bye Jack Happy well, it won't be long now. Can you see him miss Livingston? No, he's in that crowd of people right with a door of the plane there now I can see him. He must be a little nervous. Why the hostess is carrying him up the steps Inside the plane. I can't see him anymore. I see him. Where see those two men sitting by that first window Uh-huh. Which one is this to Benny the green one? Oh Yes Sergeant Ryan was the last time we saw Jack until he came back. That's very interesting now Mr.. Benny could you tell me a little bit more about the type of shows you did over there in Germany? Yes, I had a great gang with me England Bergman Larry Adler Martha Tilton and our accompanist David Lee winter Now as I was the master of ceremonies So first I walked out on the stage and knocked him over with a couple of fast jokes and then I said hey fellas I bring you the world's greatest harmonica player Larry See I can still hear that applause then Larry would step out of the middle of the stage and play the number They all asked for begin to begin I'm so fortunate having you with my husband and we both so happy come my dear this is over here That picture that picture on the wall Ingrid why did you turn it around? Not turn the picture around then? Why has whistler's mother got the rocking chair on her head today? You turn the picture yesterday? You lost the brooch you cannot be trusted with you over Give me that emerald ring you are wearing no come take it off. You're a thing. Yeah Not the emerald ring. It was the first gift you had a gazing back in those happy happy days in Naples And the memories for me memories of days gone by when when you love me as I still love you Thank you that's free to be a Change the subject thinking that pink. Why did you find a picture just believe me? I did not turn the picture someone else must have done it Haha, so now you are accusing the man picking on a poor defenseless girl who was rejected by the desert battalion Come in here rents out Mary did you touch that picture on the wall? Oh, no sir. I never touch anything in here. There you are, Ingrid. You have been lying to me. Oh good job. Enough. You may go, Mary. Okay, Chuckie. Thanks. I got a date with Harry. You mean Harry? No, Harry. He has a hole in his head. You talk to her like that? I pour it to myself. See? Oh my darling, what has happened to our love. When I married you and you voted in this house you promised to put me on a pedestal. I did put you on a pedestal. Yes, but when I finished painting the ceiling you pulled it out. Come on. Ingrid, I do not know what to do with you. I am going now. Goodbye. No, please don't go. Don't go. Every night you go down. What are these mysterious twists? Soon the lights will go low and with it my chairs will sink. Oh, perhaps chance is right. Maybe I am losing my mind. For this they gave me the Academy Award. He has come back. He loves me too. Don't ever leave me again. Wait a minute. Who are you? If I told you I am anybody else but Charles I would be nuts. I am not Charles. I am a detective and I have come to help you. Oh, then you must be Joseph Cotton. Cotton for you baby, I would be nylon. Now what's your trouble, Iggy? This disappears and the lights look bright and dim. Pictures turn themselves on the wall. And I do think without knowing it I see things that aren't there. What shall I do? What shall I do? Have you tried black coffee and tomato juice? I am in great danger. My husband is acting peculiar. He's always muttering strange things. Nice things, huh? What does he keep saying? Greenberg's some third base. What do you like, sir? Look, the lights are getting brighter again. That means my husband is coming back. He's in the closet. Okay, but hurry. Hide in the closet. But that's hurry and get rid of them, huh? Stuffy in here. Well, Ingrid, I am back again. Any more pictures turn around, Kido? Charles, don't say things like that. You frighten me. Oh, why are you going? I am going to hang my hat in the closet. No, no, no, no, Charles. Please, not there. Out of my way. I am going to hang my hat in the closet. Hiya, Jack. Ingrid, perhaps you are not to blame for the things you do. You do not know what you are doing. You are losing your mind. You need a rest. I must send you away. All right, Charlie, up with your hat. Wait a minute. Who are you? And that's what I like about the South. That's that bail outing. No, you don't. You've been trying to make your wife believe she was insane so you could get her out of the house and look for those hidden jewels. So, that was it? Yes, honey. He was trying to drive you crazy and I'm going to tie him to this chair and go for the police. Let me alone. Let me alone still, no, you don't. Hold still. There. You can't bother your now, Ingrid. He tied you to the chair. Now, you guard him until I get back. There you are, Charles. Tied your chair like a cleaner that you are. For years you have tormented me, embarrassed me, degraded my life, ruined my health, tried to drive me mad. Didn't you, Charles? Didn't you? Why don't you answer me? Because I'm tied up. I can't turn the page. Ingrid. Ingrid, please, you can free me. You can cut these cords. Pick up that knife. There is no knife here. Certainly there is a knife there. See? You've got it in your hand. Charles, are you suggesting that this is a knife that I hold in my hand? Have you gone mad, my husband? Oh, oh, is it I who am mad? Oh, yes, of course, this is a knife. Ingrid. Oh, I'll not hurt you. I just tormented you. Just tormented you, like you don't mend in me. You're so heartless, so cruel, so round, so firm, so funny. No, no, no, I'm saying you're right, Charles, I'm mad, mad. What, Ingrid, my darling, we can forget the past. We can be happy if you will only remember one thing. What is your charm? You must remember this. A kiss is still a kiss. A sigh is still a sigh. Ingrid, what is that? Oh, just a little something left over from Casablanca. Oh. The fundamental thing. That's a little bit of an example of American. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Listen to what Mr. Charles Jackson Gunter, independent tobacco buyer of Madison, North Carolina, said. The reason I smoke luckies is because of that good, sweet tobacco I've seen them buy at the auction. Good, sweet, ripe tobacco such as Lucky Strike Buys taste better and smoke-smiler. I've been smoking luckies for 25 years. Quote, good, sweet, ripe tobacco such as Lucky Strike Buys taste better and smoke-smiler. Unquote. Yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. The famous tobacco auctioneers heard on tonight's program are Mr. L.A. Speed Rigs and Colesball in North Carolina. Well, if they are the... And Mr. Refi Boone of Lexington, Kentucky. ... ... ... ... L.S.M.F.D. L.S.M.F.D. L.S.M.F.D. L.S.M.F.D. L.S.M.F.D. Make no mistake, in a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts and Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. Thanks very, very much fellas. I also want to thank Larry and Ingrid for being with us. You are a grand audience. Thanks very, very much. This is the National Broadcasting Company.