 Why don't you look the way it goes. Thank you for it. Have a great time. I, uh, I should say, I do remember. I should certainly hope to kiss a pig if I didn't. Thank you. Now let me see. That was football, wasn't it? It was an ice hockey. I'd go to everything. Football, Mr. Weigelberry. Football, of course. And I presume I promised you a job. I usually do when I get excited. Oh. But you shall have it. With me your promise is a sacred pledge. My word is my bond. My handshake is like a certified check. My check is like a... He who loses honor loses everything. Right. We don't start people at the top, you understand? That will be too easy. We do it the American way. We give them an opportunity to work up from the bottom. What satisfaction. What a feeling of accomplishment you will have when you are able to look back from whatever rung of the ladder your, uh, gogettiveness will have placed you upon and say, I. Yes, sir. Fine. You know nothing about the advertising business at all, I presume. Well, I, uh... Good. Then you won't have anything to unlearn. You'll be able to start right in the basement and your rise will be all the more spectacular. Every man is the architect of his own fortune. Excellent. I have ideas. You could almost say bursting with them. But contain them. Save them. Don't squirt them all at once. The, uh, the idea of department is a little congested at the moment. It always is for that matter. There never seems to be any shortage of, uh, oh, but that would only depress you. I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to find you a little nook in the, uh, the bookkeeping department. A regular little niche. You could almost call it a cranny. The rest will depend upon you. Well, thank you very much, but these ideas... How I envy you this chance you're receiving today. My, my father unfortunately left me the business. Oh. Just one of those things. You have no personal fortune, I hope. Well, no, sir. I, uh... Great! And probably only the clothes you stand in. Well, not exactly. I mean, this isn't my other suit. Oh, isn't it? Well, no matter. Clothes do not make the man. On the contrary, as Shatner said to Marks, it's men who makes the clothes. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Where the balls are like this new... Why, it seems like yesterday to me, I mean, that I started here. Well, it was quite a few yesterdays ago. The earth is cooled considerably since you put on your first pair of sleeve protectors outside there. Yes, I guess it has. And so have you, Harold. I don't know exactly what you're talking about. I may be a little older, but I'm quite sure that I... I had great hopes for you, little Mark. If ever I saw a promising type of American youth full of zing, full of zest, full of... I remember that day I first saw you. The bases were full. The crowd was breathless. You strutted up to the plate, swinging three bats at once. Why? Oh, no, it was hockey, wasn't it? Ice hockey, of course. You got the fuck... It wasn't? Well, what does it matter anyway at this point? A man is only as young as his arteries, Harold. And a firm is only as young as its employees. My father fired anyone who got to be 50. A man, woman, or child, it didn't matter to him. That was his motto, the cornerstone of its success. Personally, I found a method harsh. I do not subscribe to it. With me, a man is as young as his ideas. Yes, sir. I even participated in, or at least close my eyes to, a small exception some of the older employees practice when? Because my father was extremely near sighted. They dived their head, returned to work for us as their own sons. Blessed are they. Of course they are. Unfortunately for you, Harold, my own eyes are excellent. You have not only ceased to go forward, you have gone backward. You have not only stopped progressing, you have stopped thinking. You not only make the same mistakes year after year, you don't even change your apologies. You have become a bottleneck. You are the living proof of the low quality of work we demand of our employees and a bad example to the younger employees who figure that if you can get away with it, they can too. They don't have to be any better than you are, which is zero. There are no buts. I have bought you a Swiss walk, 18 carats of chimes. It is properly inscribed with gratitude and love and kisses for 20 years devoted service and so forth and so forth. And I herewith present it to you. Here is also a check for $2,946.12, which represents your savings deposit with the company. I am surprised you haven't saved more than 20 years. I had a lot more when it was invested in the preferred stock of the company and you remember what happened in 1929. Oh, yes, yes. I remember. Of course it was just as hard on all of us. You know that it landed the bank we all shared and shared the life, but that's all water under the bridge. Goodbye and good luck. And as a parting thought, I want you to know that this is hurting me much more than it is you, Harold, much more. Thank you very much. Goodbye. Don't let it get you down. Thank you. Football, I used to play. Well, it's unheard of. Don't you trust us anymore? Once bitten, twice shy. I'll have to get it out of the safe. I'll bring it over to your desk. Thank you, Charlie. You better buy a week. Huh? Why? You'll find out. Well, you mean privately? Well, as some. I never find anything anywhere. Splendid. I'll join you in a moment. I worked here some 17 or 18 years ago. I fell in love with her. She was a lovely girl. Yes, I know. I mean that you fell in love with her. She swept me off my feet. My circumstances at that time did not permit even the contemplation of marriage. I know she did. She very wisely stopped waiting for me and married the gentleman whose life she has since illuminated. I felt that my own life was ended, that I would never love again, that the sun shined but drawn permanently behind the clouds. I know. I was mistaken. Of course. Because when your next elder sister, Irma, came to work here, I fell even more deeply in love with her than I had with Hortense. I know she told me. Hortense even got a little burned about it. Well, she didn't have because when Irma and her turn got married and was replaced by your next elder sister, Harriet, I felt that everything that had gone before was merely an appetizer. I know. She told me too. They were getting better and better. Your mother seemed to be making them nicer every year. Thank you. I haven't come to you yet. When Harriet ran away with a headstone salesman, I was inconsolable. None of this felt great. Good about it. I was going to propose the very next day. She didn't know that. I had the ring in my pocket. I just made the last payment on it, the one I'd started for Hortense. It came so close. I never felt so defeated in my life. I never thought I'd smile again. I didn't acknowledge it. That's right. She was even better than the others. Mother had no practice. Practice makes perfect. By then, of course, I'd been wiped out in the market. But was that it? She never knew. That's right. I started to get on my feet again when your sister, Claire, came to work. Why didn't you ask her? Didn't you like her? Like her? I worshipped her. She was really very irresponsible. That loafer who married my sister chose that very moment to keep the bucket to pass on without leaving even a dime's worth of insurance. So I found myself with a ready-made family. Poor Mr. Littlebox. I suppose you're in love with Rosemary, too. She was here. Naturally. Of course, I was so in my habit of being in love with your mother's daughters, but then that it would be impossible for me to even see one without... But what, Mr. Littlebox? I presume you know I've adored you since the first morning you punched your first time card. You knew it, didn't you? Well, I suspected it. My sister's the born one. Of course. Imagine being exposed to seven Miss America's and muffing the whole seven of them. Poor Mr. Littlebox. I'm leaving here today. Oh, no, Mr. Littlebox. That's what I really want to tell you. I know where I'm going and I very proudly won't see you again, so... I won't just take this. It's all paid for. Someday, when you meet some young man who's really worthy of you and who has everything but the engagement ring, you can take that excuse away from him anyway and... Confidentially, I left my money on the dresser this morning when I was leaving. You couldn't let me have $4 on... I say, you couldn't let me have four... You couldn't let me have $4 on Wednesday. That's my lucky day. There's a man called Butcher running at Belmont and you don't have to go if you can't spare it. I just said if you happen to have $4, you wasn't using it until Butcher came in. Who'll in these money are soon parted? Yeah, but think what beautiful memories he lays up. How about $2 till tomorrow? He who lendeth money and his friendship. Oh, that's all right. We ain't friends. I never even seen you before. Well, that's a fine argument. How about a quarter for a racing form? This is day before yesterday. Oh, here since you're so melancholy about yourself. Fish hooks? What? I say maybe they caught you mittin' some fish hooks. Holy Moses, westerner, huh? Oh, here. What's the difference? Holy mackerel, you're a right guy. You sick to me, you'll be wearing ruby. No, I'm not. It's just that I've been saving it for 20 years and I'm getting tired of it. You call an impulse. Like a man works all his life in a glass factory. Well, one day he feels like picking up a hammer. You say you work in a glass factory? No, I didn't say that at all. It's just all of you wouldn't understand. But you needed a drink. Oh, I never touch it. I never have. It runs in my family not true. The demon run. I tell you what I'm going to do. Since you've been so generous in all this. No, no, I tell you I have never in my whole life. You're never too old to learn. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Every dog is entitled to one bite. Let sleeping dogs lie. A barking dog never bites. He who sleepeth with dogs rises with fleas. Now, wait a minute. How about a little wine for thy stomach's sake? That's from the good book. He who hesitates is lost. Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine. Eat, drink, and be merry. The priests and the prophet have erred through strong drink. They are swallowed up of wine. They are out of the way through strong drink. They are envisioned based humble in judgment. Isaiah 28. You've got me. What kind of a drink would you suggest? Nothing too strong, of course. How deep is your trouble, brother? How did you know I was in trouble? Well, I've been around quite a lot of it. I hear you. Did you ever hear of a Texas tornado? Not till this moment. Oh, you'll be surprised in a minute. Right this way. What? Come on. Wait a minute. Oh, come on. I shouldn't be going around in there. Come on. Don't place that roll in here. I wouldn't want anything to happen to it. A wise man keepeth his own counsel. Fine. Come on. What's your pleasure? Jake, I want you to meet my friend, Mr.... He staked me to a bankroll. Well, fully, he must be newer around here. This calls for a little celebration, Mr.... Dittlebuck. Harold Dittlebuck. Dittle what? Dittlebuck. Buck is in beer. Oh, I thought you said Dittlebuck. Is it Buck with Kate? No, I didn't. Brother Dittlebuck, back. What's the matter with me? Buck. He's in some kind of trouble. Who is it? He's about to have his first drink. His first drink? I've drowned my kitten. This is quite a moment. You mean his first this morning? Or really his first ever and ever since he was weaned? I have never partaken. Now that I've had time to think about it... Yes, sir. You never know how the other half lives. You aroused the artist in me. It was destiny impulse. Well, obey that impulse. Why don't you have a cigar? Have a cigar? Yes, sir. I'd like to make you something... something you would remember. I wouldn't want anything... I mean, if I had anything at all, nothing potent. You understand? You never feel it. I was thinking of a Texas tornado. Oh, not for an occasion like this for me. A tornado is a perfectly reliable commercial drink for conventions and hangovers and things like that, but this... This is almost... Is the word Vestal? Huh? I mean it ought to have organ music. I wouldn't want anything. I mean opportunities like this come along all too rarely for a man with his heart and his work. Well, tell me, Mr. Dillaback, about... Where were you born? Oh, what? Nebraska. Corn. Now, what year, please? 1901. Fine, fine. They distilled some very palatable stuff in 1901. Well, let me see. Let me see. I wouldn't do this for everybody. I wouldn't want you to... You leave it to me. You just leave it to him. 1901. 1901, a sort of meeting of old friends, brothers under the stars. You know how to help your personalities to get together? Or don't you believe in astrology? I've never thought much about it. If you mention that... Do you believe in personalities? I suppose so. How about posterity? What? Posterity is just around the corner. Oh, just a couple of technical questions. Would you like a fape or flambé? How? Do you like ice skating or turkey stand? I used to skate a little. Frappe. Would you like it sweet or sharp? I don't really... How do you take your coffee? I take milk. You'll answer my question. Do you prefer showers or sit spas? Well, we have a shower over the tub, but there's always the danger stepping on the soap. Vodka. Vodka, you don't care what you step on. You can step on snakes. Now, wait a minute. I'll just relax. One final question. Do you prefer the taste of rosemary or wormwood? Who or who? Do you like Benedictine or Absinth? What? What kind of toothpaste do you use? Sosa don't. I gotcha. If that's for me, you just leave it to him. What a scientist. Isn't that pretty? I wouldn't want anything to... They call him the professor. You just leave it to him. Oh, boy. Gentlemen. The Diddlebark. Any wonderful? A genuine genius. Certainly very kind of you. Don't mention it. If you don't mind, I'll sample them all full with you. Well, I certainly hope you will after mixing up this much. The artist does not weigh his claim. You're very good health, Mr. Diddlebark. Here's to you, Mr. Diddlebark. Ain't that something if I do say so myself? That's certainly very kind of you. I'm only sorry that you made so much of it. Certainly the last thing I expected was to have an alcoholic refreshment named after me. Very attractive aroma. Not until it. I wouldn't say that. But it has always seemed to me that the cocktail should approach its own tiptoe like a young girl whose first appeal is innocence. What a poet. Here's to innocence. Bottom zone. Over your ears. So gone if he didn't inhale it like an expert. Welcome to the brotherhood. Is that all there is to it? You are now a member in full standing. That's very, very pleasant. Just a little dividend. Just a drop. You'd never guess that you'd make so many different flavors in it. Like a poem. I suppose there is some alcohol in this. I will not deceive you. There is. You'd never know it. That's where the skill comes in. What a scientist. Things hardly another mixer in town could do you a thing like that. Oh, boy. Just like Delbert. What was that yelling? Did you hear something just there? And still more innocence. What is that yelling I keep hearing? Is it my imagination? I wouldn't greet too many of them too fast if I were you. You know, just beginning and all. It ain't as if anyone ever drank a little box before. You can't tell what it'll do to you. This? Laminate. Shake up another batch of it. Shake up a bucket of it. Oh, wait a minute. What are you talking about? What are you looking at? Who, me? Nothing. Hurry it up. What is that yelling I keep hearing? Hey, somebody's strangling a horse around here. You know I thought I heard something. He's under control, Mike. It was like a sneeze, and yet it wasn't like a sneeze. It was more like, uh... What's the matter? Uh, won't you have a little drink while you're here? No, thanks. Not while I'm on duty. The dildobock isn't really a drink. Dildobock? It's just a little thing I invented in Brother Dildobock's honor. It's, uh, more like a fruit cup, really. A fruit cup with sex appeal. Thanks. This is the same. Thank you. Very fine fellow. One of the finest. There it is again. I could have sworn I heard something. I suppose I didn't hear nothing that time. I'm very glad you noticed it, because I did too. Yeah, don't tell me. I've been telling these boys about it, but they're not sure. To me, it sounded like a cross between a Mongolian lynx and a wounded moose. Have you ever hunted the Mongolian lynx? I have not. How about a wounded moose? Likewise. You're probably better off. Why don't you give the gentleman a drink instead of letting him stand there with his tongue hanging out? Look, before your tongue starts hanging out, you better lay off a couple of them dildo pots. A fine fit at 11 o'clock in the morning. Who's he talking to? You? Now, wait a minute. Every... Just a moment, officer. My friend may be small, but I want you to know that he's got a heart of gold. And I won't hear one word against him. You understand? When I was in the depths of desperation, the gregs of despair, who befriended me? Not E.J. Wiggleberry and company, not the fellow employees besides who my toil for 22 years and whose sorrows I sear as who wouldn't, not the metropolitan police force whose salaries I have paid and whose uniforms I have purchased to keep them warm and winter. Cool in summer and fresh at all times. But you're a smolder befriended. When befriended, man or nothing, you understand? You handle him. Ha! Wait a minute. I just saw it. So what? The fellow doing the alley. He's hiding behind a post there. Probably an escape room to take. I don't see anybody, Mr. Dittlebug. What do you mean you don't see anybody? You can't see that old crackpot with a spectacle? Why, that's you, Mr. Dittlebug. Me? That old tramp? Why, that doesn't look anything more like me. Look at that collar. Looks like a horse collar. Oh, it ain't so bad, Mr. Dittlebug. How long have I been looking like this? You've always looked like that, Mr. Dittlebug, at least ever since I've known you. Why, this is an outrage. Look at that old scare crawl. Look at that suit. Look at that hat. Look at that face. Oh, it ain't so bad as all that, Mr. Dittlebug. It's worse why I wouldn't crust a face like that to empty a spit, too. Oh, yes you would, Mr. Dittlebug. Are you positive that's me? Don't look at your trials. Then where is there a barber and a chip furnishing outfit? This is a calamity that must be repaired immediately. Right upstairs, Mr. Dittlebug. Only one. Don't you think you better sit down a little while for a while? Sit down? Why should I sit down? Do I look tired? That's the trouble with the men of today. They don't enjoy. They have no stamina. Look at our forefathers. Look at Washington. Look at Ballet Forge. Look at the pioneers. Then look at me. Hey, are you a barber? I'm looking for one. Yes, but excuse me. Are you losing the building or something? Everything is under control. And we're men in those days. Here, buy yourself a new suit. You look terrible. They mined the earth and dug the rivers and tamed the wilderness and brought forth peaceful homesteads in the shadow of the eagle and the echo of the thundering herd. And in a final analysis, where are they? I ask you and I reply, dead my friends, deader than a boiled mackerel. Aye, thank you. Are you all right? A barber to take. A barber to take. A barber to take. Better remember what you put in that so it won't happen again. What's the matter with this? All acquaintance be forgot for the sake of old Langsdine. Now, if you'd just sit into this, Mr. Littlebuck. That wouldn't be a little on the quiet side, would it? Yes, I think you're right. Hide not, highlight under a bush. You need a tent to hide that one. Well, then we'll try this little blend off with plan, rock. Murder. Well, now, Mr. Littlebuck indicated to me that he wanted something courageous. I made this for a dog act. I can hear it barking. Very clever. I guess I have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch you in bed. It's been tried. Oh, oh. Well, now, suppose we try this little pinstri. Why? Well, we just thought to the Unvady and I that this was a smidgen on the loud side, a mildee. Oh, you did. It's a check within the check, within the check that turns my stomach. Oh, it is. How true. Hello, Max. How depressingly true. Who's the toss button? That's my friend, Mr. Littlebuck. Now, that would call for a waist measurement of about 32. Oh, excellent. I'll be back in a flash and you won't know yourself. Thank you. Well, so long. Better luck, Max. Just a moment. Boy, you're giving that little bro your money. Oh, well. Now, wait a minute. Now, here, wait a minute. This is Max, the bookies man. Don't you remember that goat I was betting on? This goat? Listen, Chess. No, no, no. Put you or he lost. Boy, do you bet on goats? You want to bet on something? Bet on horses. They're wrong, faster. Yes, sir. You say this animal lost? I see. Well, now is the time to turn defeat into victory through a clever maneuver. Yes, sir. Now, who are the contestants in the next sprint? Let's say, winter pain, butcher boy. Senor Pepito. Oxnose, pepper pot. Crazy, mazy. Get it, Joy. These handles. Puppet, pulpit catapettle, and Amaline. Amaline? Did you say Amaline? Yeah, Amaline. Devoid of speed, probable odds, 30 to 1. Amaline was my mother's younger sister. You don't tell me. Oh, yes. She was a little shorter than mother, though. A little plumper, too, but a very pretty girl. That's remarkable. Avoid her like poison. She had the prettiest blue eyes. But she's 30 to 1. But no bookie pays more than 15 to 1. I'll take 15. Don't you want to say what odds mean? I think so. They represent a difference of opinion. Like? Well, my opinion is Amaline. She must be a beautiful goat. I mean, if she's a horse. She's a horse. Oh, well, all the better. They run faster. I don't want to hurry, isn't I? But if anybody still wants to get her bet down. I get 15 to 1 for Amaline? Especially if she wins. A thousand dollars. A thousand dollars. A thousand dollars. You mean on the nose? Wherever you put it. Now, wait a minute. Take it easy, will you? Don't get excited. It's nothing but a symbol that costs practically nothing to print. There is no shortage of it at any time. Don't do that, Mr. Dittlebug. You have to take chances in this life. Will you take it? Oh, you don't have to take those kind of chances. 15 to 1. Don't do that, Mr. Dittlebug. What do you mean by that? You didn't... No, I have Amaline. I've got the dough right here in my mitt. Here, put it in my mitt. Are you sure? No, I wish you would think... That guy is cast. Of course, it ain't any of my business. But, uh, you sure you don't want to think this over? Certainly not. When the iron is hot. Right. Don't bay that impulse. Okay, it's your funeral. Okay. I tell you, I got it right here in my mitt. Can't you hear it? You made it back. Maybe not the best bet in the world, but it back. They're off. I can hear the short wave. Send your Pepito going to the front by your head. Win the pain second. Crazy Macy's third. Put your boy fourth. And the Popo Gadda Petal. Let me hear that. A thousand bucks. Keep quiet. Let me hear that, will you please? Around the chain. It's Pepito in front by three-quarters of a length. Win the pain a second by your head. Crazy Macy's third by your head. At the quarter, it's Win the pain by your head. And here we are, Mr. Dittlebug. I just brought a few accessories in. Pepito in front by your head. Now, it's good to slip into these, Mr. Dittlebug. Very good. Would you mind glancing the other way, dear? With pleasure. Oh. It's your permission, Mr. Dittlebug. The boy got you on the inside and is going to the... Crazy Macy's fourth. She's sweating a bunch of way on the rail. But there's skin on her feet. Thank you. All this noise. Win the pain, Mr. Dittlebug. This one by all means. Now, if you just stick your coat off with the Dittlebug, it's Win the pain, Mr. Dittlebug. Crazy Macy ran wide and bit him. What? She's crazy. Now, she's back at the rail on the front by her length. And then... What's the point of doing that? There we are. Coming up between 100 and 200 for home. It's Crazy Macy by her length. Pepito a second by a half a length. Hey, put your boy's coming up. No. Put your boy a second by a length. Put your boy a second. Crazy Macy ran wide and bit him. No. What? What's the point of that, man? They killed each other. Here comes Dittlebug. It's a diving finish. He knows it's a part. They've gone across the line. They've finished now and it's... Oh, yeah, but like... And Crazy Macy has played in front of me. Every night. Every night, Win. Hot dog. Nasty thing. Oh, there's time. The fine brother you turned out to be. I work and slave and give up the best years of my life to make you a home full of charming, womanly touches and keep my children pure-minded. As a reward for all this, you've come rolling home at midnight in the condition which I, for one, Mr. Dittlebug... What's so late about midnight? Yeah. But where were you all day Wednesday? All day Wednesday. All day Wednesday. You were drunk. That's where you were. Drunk as is. Probably rolling in a gutter someplace. All day Wednesday. What are you talking about? For I never had a drink in my life. Coming home on horseback. Horseback. Waking up all the neighbors. On horseback. And when all Mrs. Chonsey called out the window, the night was made for sleep, Mr. Dittlebug. You and your drunken friends had to holler back. The night was made for love. Mrs. Chonsey, or have you forgotten? I said that. Said it. You sang it. Where's my suit? Well, you came home and missed things. What is it? A horse blanket? It would look as good on a horse as it did on you. You mean I actually walked the streets in this? You rode horseback in the streets in it. I wonder if anybody saw me. Oh, no, of course not. You probably didn't attract any more attention than Lady Godiva in Macy's window at noon. Form fifth, Frankson, featuring the figure from nominal. Form fifth. I wonder if I get my money back on it. You could try, but I doubt it. You might see what you can get on this. While you're at it. Get off with it. Well, I feel bad enough as it is. I had a fortune. I had thousands. I had all my savings in one big... Wait a minute. I had tens of thousands. You had tens of thousands. I tell you, I did. Where are my pants? Maybe you threw them out the window. I tell you, I had a fortune in them. You had a fortune in them. And where did you acquire this fortune? May I ask if I'm not too intuitive? Is there such a thing as a goat race? A goat race. No, I remember. It was Mother. You say Mother was racing somebody? It could be. That's right. Angels in the race? It was a horse race. You know what a horse is, don't you? What's the matter with you, Clara? First, I bet on a horse called Amaline. You remember Aunt Amaline? She won easily, naturally. Then I took the $15,000 I bet on Amaline. $15,000. That's right. She paid $15 to one. I took the $15,000 I bet on Aunt Amaline. And bet it on... On Mother. On birth of Bea. Birth of Berenhofer. You remember your own Mother's name, don't you? Yes. And she won two, I suppose. Easily, I presume. You must be on the millions you presume. I seem to remember a big Batman someplace, where there was some very pretty girls dancing the Tom Tom and slinging their garters around. Oh, I see it. This big Batman, big hearted mower, was it generous Jake? He was always smiling. He had a big happy smile. Like a shark, he had it right in his pocket for him. He said, all in cash. All he had to do was reach right in and pull it out. He said. That's right. But the government didn't want anybody to have that much in cash. That was it. It wasn't patriotic. For him. That's right. When I said I suppose, that's right. They wanted you to put your money in bonds. He said, bonds, Brother Diddlebock. When they say bonds, they mean investments. And have I got an investment for you, Brother Diddlebock. And what was it? I don't remember. Well, I'll tell you what it was, Brother Diddlebock. It was a drunkard's dream. The horses were nightmares. And the money is just something you never had and you're never going to get, Brother Diddlebock, because you're just an old paler. So just get into your clothes and go down to the office and walk in as though nothing had ever happened and probably you'll find nothing did happen. What about Wednesday, Flora? What was I doing all day Wednesday? Don't tell them you had a cold. They probably had drunks working for them before. I just don't believe it, Flora. If I could only find those pants. Huh? Oh, boy. Now you'll see whether it was a dream or not, whether I never made any money or never will. Just feast your eyes on that. Yeah. Hop in now. You talking to me? By all means, sir. I said should I probably go or will you hop in now? Just a moment. Why should I ride in that thing? Well, it's your cab, sir. You bought it last Tuesday. My cab? You mean including the horse? Most is surely, sir. How else would we propel it? What did I use for money? Why, you had tons of it, sir. And you were most generous and I spirited with it too if I may make so bold. I was. Positively, sir. It took me back to the good old days. It was a gorgeous ecstasy. Well, hardly anyone could render you beside a service without you pressing a 50 or at least a 20 into his eager hand. I almost thought once or twice you overdid it, sir. Excuse me, you didn't happen to notice what I did with any of that money, did you? Or even some of it? Oh, you were most free with it, sir. The women were at your feet, sir, if I may make so bold. They were. Trust, sir. Absolutely horizontal. The weaker sex simply adored a generous man, sir. Excuse me. You wouldn't like to buy this vehicle back in the bargain, would you? I could let you have it very reasonably, including the horse and the whole foot. But you've already paid me a much wages, sir. And you gave me to understand the position with permanence. I really hate to disappoint you, but wait a minute. You don't happen to know whether a horse called Bertha B.1 on Tuesday do you? By all means, one rather easily. I believe in 201. Then what did I do with it? You mean the tail? Yes. And where was I all day when? You mean where weren't we, sir? I just liked the good old days. You'd say Algernon. Your name's Algernon. My name's Thomas, sir. But you had difficulty in remembering it. You called me Algernon James McBeth, and even a teller went to twice. Excuse me. But morning, Mr. Gittlebuck. I thought you'd be over there, but since you wouldn't, I'd come over here. Morning, Hamlet. Good morning, Wormie. Now, before you do anything else, you've got to see about getting them some breakfast. Getting them some breakfast. They would like to have their breakfast immediately if not sooner. Who would like to have their breakfast? The lions. You know anything about any lions? I rejoice to say I do not, sir. The lions have come with a circus. I've been out there for two days. What an aroma. Just what circus are you alluding to? Your circus. And it ain't no illusion. My circus? Who in heaven's name ever gave you the idea that I had a circus? Whoever gave me the idea, you sent me out to take care of it, didn't you? Right in the middle of the party, didn't you? Just when I'm getting in good with this big blonde, they got to beat it out to queens just in time for an elephant to squirt a bucket of ice water in my kisser, and for one of them cats to... Well, never mind. Where in the how and heaven's name did I ever get a circus? Lucky Leopold gave it to you instead of the dough you want from him. While Bill Hitchcock lost his circus to him. Then I did win on birth of me. Oh, sure. For all the good it done you. You said you had always wanted a circus. I did. You did and you have. You sure got your way. I see. And we had many hungry mouths to feed. Oh, we have. I was hoping it was just a small lion act or something, maybe one lion and a couple of trained birds, maybe. One lion. I just mentioned the lion's friends because they were yelling the loudest. We got 37 lions. 37? Yes, 37. We also got 14 tigers. 14 tigers. That's right. Also seven bears. Some odd jaguars and a puma. A puma? And what a puma? That's the one that... Look, we've got horses. Shedlin' ponies. Never mind. Where'd you say this Noah's Ark is located? Over the bridge in Queens. Then what's the joker? Why did I get it? What's wrong with it? No, nothing. Except we ain't got no tent to give the show in. You gotta have a fire-proof tent and you can't get a fire-proof tent. And we owe six months' feed bill and four months' back salary. And there's a plaster on every piece of rolling stock and I hate this corpus on the whole work. Now, how would you feel about repossessing your circus at a fraction of its original cost? I'd like to be 9,000 miles away from it, home in the arms of my mother. I see. I could make you an exceptionally attractive offer. You couldn't make me an attractive offer not if you got down your bended knees and threw in a set of dishes. I see. You don't, but you will. The only reason I hung around as long as I didn't gamble away my steak was because they was so hungry and you don't find many people take pity on a lion. That's right. You got any idea how much meat a lion, not a monarch of the jungle, just a small, ordinary lion like a... like a... Oh, like that one there. Come here, Jackie. Come here. Come up here. You got any idea how much a lion eats per day? I haven't the slightest idea. He's one pound per day. Quite, quite, quite a pet. Like a kitten. Of course, you don't get any choice because it's just ordinary meat but then they don't exactly give it away either. High, high, high, high, high, high, high. I can see the whole lot of meat. Now you multiply 21 pounds per day by 37 lions, 14 tigers, and my jaguar. And a papuma. And a papuma. Then you multiply that by 30 chains by September, April, May, and November. June. Yeah, whatever it is. But all the rest have 31 and that means one more big male except for February alone. I mean, only 28 times. I see. Did you ever try selling them to a big circus, a Ringling Brothers? Did you ever try selling pills to Carter? Go on away, Jack. How about offering some of them to the zoo? Well, they offered me some of theirs. You did? Yeah. Well, a circus must be really quite a white elephant. I'm glad you brought that up. Have you gotten the idea how much an elephant eats in, uh, all, say, a week? Hot or cold? Rain or shine? 52 weeks a year regularly. I haven't the slightest idea. Well, not counting the peanuts or the 150 pounds of bran or the 200 pounds of oats or the 50 gallons of pure spring water they drink to wash it down with. Can your mind envision a ton of hay? A ton? A haystack. Of hay? Alfalfa. Why, that's impossible to die of indigestion. Nothing can eat a ton of hay. An elephant can with ease. Now, let me tell you about the hippopotamus. The hippopotamus does not, as you might suppose, live on a diet of food. Oh, hello, Guzman. Hippopotamus is all very nice, but where's the fish? Fish? Who wants to fish? Mr. Dillbott. There's a few characters out here. Would like to have a little word with you. Just a moment. We will speak for ourselves if it's all the same to you, my small friend. You, sir. This is indeed a great pleasure. Mr. Dillbott, isn't it? The pleasure's all mine, sir Madam. Ethically and morally, we are not responsible for the acts of our pedacess. But sometimes, technically, we are. Now, if you'll come this way and present your statements, one at a time. This one. And now another. And now another. Have you any more? How do you do? What is your trouble, young men? I happen to have some very hungry cats and I was just wondering if your organization could help me out a little. Just temporarily. Most certainly. We're here for that purpose. It wouldn't matter about the size of the cat? Not at all. Particle. We mother all cats. That was the desire of our dear benefactor. Very handsome man. Well, that's certainly a relief. Now, have you one or total cat? Total. Excellent. Number three? Sixty-one. If you want to count that pupil. I beg your pardon. Well, in the neighborhood of Sixton. It's quite the neighborhood. Well, you know how they multiply. There are ways of controlling that, you know. I don't want to sound cruel. But are you quite sure that being out of work and everything, you can afford to support quite so many of our dear little friends? Well, I'd be very happy to bring over a couple of wagons. Oh, that's permitted. Or all too soon our little home would be overflowing. Especially with ours. We will go through for a distance. The important thing is that they're hungry, isn't it? Of course it is. So I'll just give you a requisition for, you can finish the back door. For, shall we say, six bottles of milk? Oh, let's make it eight bottles of milk. And some nice, freshly chopped liver. About how much liver do you think your poor little darlings could manage? Well, with about three tons be asking too much. Three tons? We could have took a couple of pounds of that liver. But four. For lunch. We've got to think along very much broader lines than that. This is a big problem. You're telling me. I used to solve problems all the time when I was in college. Trigonometry, calculus. But a time this would be. You know something? What? I don't think I've thought in years. No fooling. I'm always thinking. Always trying to figure an angle. That's because you have to. You haven't got security. You haven't got a job like I have. I mean like I have. Well, you have to get up at the same time every day. Eat the same breakfast. Go to the office on the same car. Work on the same ledger all day. Then go home the same way you came to the office. Except backwards. Sure makes me dizzy to ride backwards. Doesn't take any thought to do all that. So you don't think anymore like you stopped taking exercise. I sure hate exercise. I was even in love with the same girl all my life. Except in different bodies. Same with me. I've got to have change all the time. So long, Susie. Hello, Nellie. Hail and farewell. You know something else? What? You may have been right to find me. Huh? I'm just an old husband. What are you talking about? If ever I seen a live wire, a good time trolley with a rubber off his roll and a whistle for the game. Why this little problem wouldn't have been no problem at all to you on Tuesday? Where there's a problem, there must be a solution. Where there's a mind, there must be thought. You follow me? Well, at a distance. If ever there's a circus, there must be money. You said it. Now, where do you get money? Wall Street. Correct. And where in Wall Street? A bank. Correct again. And how do you get that money out of that bank? A hold up? No, no, no. By using your head. Nothing is impossible if you use your head. You can go through granite walls with your head. I nearly done it one time. I tried out a horse. It was a very quick stop. Baraboo. Huh? Baraboo, Wisconsin. A banker from Baraboo, Wisconsin. Uh-huh. What's that got to do with it? What's that got to do with it? Any boy from Baraboo, Wisconsin naturally wanted to hang around a circus as much as they'd let him. All he spared time, he was there. He'd carry water for the elephants. He'd take me down to the public library. He'd chop meat for the lions. He'd stop hay in the hippopotamus. Naturally, he wanted to run away with a circus. Every American boy does. I see. That's a very clever piece of deductive reasoning, Mr. Dittlebocker. A very brilliant hypothesis. Just plain but... Uh, you are interested in circuses, aren't you, Mr. Sargent? Deeply. Blended. Where did you develop your interest in circuses, Mr. Dittlebocker? I dabble in circuses. You know, jump in, take a small profit, jump out. Ah, yes. That last part, that's the hard part. I might have wished that you were a true lover of circuses. I thought they won't lend you any money like they're supposed to. Everybody hates them. Don't you hate them? I never thought much about it. Now let's see. Why would a banker want to buy a circus? Take off his income tax? I don't think they pay income tax. At least you never see their names up very high on the list. They're leaving us to pay it firm. I hate bankers. Could he be sorry for the animals? A banker? What we need is an argument. What we need is to meet. That'll come. Now, why would you buy a circus if you were a banker? I wouldn't. Even if you could afford it? I could say not. Why would? I guess maybe that's why I bought one. I was always going to buy a circus when I got rich. You sure bought one? Keep it in the poorest part of town. Let all the kids in for nothing. All year round, just to see their faces. You'd get awful tired of that whiff. Wait a minute. You say everybody hates bankers? Naturally. There you are. Nothing to it. Where's their another bank? They're all banks. Then come on. What happened? We just sold a circus. James R. Smokin company. James R. Smokin. Morning, gentlemen. Is Mr. Smokin? We'd like to smoke him out. We'll go inside, Wermy. You've got an appointment? We'll make an appointment. What do you want to see him about? An investment. An investment. Of what? What's at your business? Well, go ahead. I'm not stopping you. There are plenty of people inside for that. Go on and try it. Big mug. Come on, Wermy. Big mug. I hate bankers. Figure this out far enough. You've got to figure these things out to the bitter end. What you'll do, then what they'll do. Then what you'll do after that, then what they'll do. Then what you'll do after that. It's like, do you play chess? No. I don't either. You're the suit and the big Kelly. What for? To frighten them? No. What we need is an open sesame. Oh, no. We can take up a couple of black checks. No, no, no. What we need is a rule. Oh. Did you ever hear of the Trojan horse? Where was he running? Forget it. There's nothing that succeeds like that. No. Right thought. With thought you can penetrate granite walls. Right, big mug. All we need, then, is a thought. But that goes all the way through. Right. That don't stop at the bitter end. Right. I'll never mind that. There's nothing to it. But we'll be in jail by 3.30? Huh? Out again by a quarter to five? Huh? I've got it. Absolutely and beyond question. It cannot fail. Huh? What is it this time? We've just sold the circus. That's all. Again? Right. Come on. Must you go? We'll be back. You'll find out your big stuff. Right, right. Right. Since you have repeatedly failed to clean up this matter, despite numerous warnings from me, which I was in no way obligated to show... Which we were in no way obligated to show. We are reluctantly forced to inform you that we will have to take over your building. As of the... We're not intruding. Mr. Smoke, I presume. I wonder if I could have a few moments of your valuable time. Mr. Smoke. Where are you, Mr. Smoke? Now wait a minute, Jackie. Oh! Will you take that little bastard thing out of here? You wouldn't hurt a butterfly, Mr. Smoke. Butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Give the gentleman your apology, Jackie. Here, give Mr. Smoke a drink. It's nothing. It's called the dinner party. I have only a few moments before the police reserves arrive, so I will be extremely brief. As you know, Mr. Smoke, you are loathed by everything. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Because you are a banker. I am here to repopularize you overnight through the medium of the James R. Smoke year-round free circus for children. Adults, 55 cents. Remember that the richest man in the world spent millions to become popular. I will make you popular overnight and for nothing. There's only one circus in the world for sale. Jackie, I have it. The James R. Smoke year-round free circus for children. Adults, 55 cents. The price is $30,000. I will leave you with that thought. My name is Diddlebox. You can locate me through the papers. Good day. Come on, Jackie. Come on, boy. Good day. Fuck. It's embarrassing. Diddle... Oh! Mr. Markov, year-round free circus for children. Remember those words. Adults, 55 cents. As you know, Mr. Markov, you are abominated by everybody. And my plan is to make here a whole drink. It's a number. 10 back into the wild animals. 10 back into the wild animals. Ah, crazy! As you know, Mr. Blackstone, you are despised, reviled and detested by all normal human beings. My plans won't do this. Great wrong to the medium of the Jeremiah T. Blackstone year-round free circus for poor children. Adults, 55 cents. Block that gun. Here, have a drink. I'm sorry we had to break in on you like this, but I want you to know about the Macduffy year-round free circus for poor children. Adults, 55 cents. As you know, Mr. Macduffy... Listen, young man, what do you mean by sitting here without being an umpire? What you got there, a dog? You don't smell nice. Why don't you give me a bath? I'll get out of here before I ring for the janitors. I can never find that Mr. Bell and have you escort to the street pronto. Going out now. The Macduffy circus would make you very popular. I don't want to be popular. I don't like nobody and nobody likes me. If it's all right with them, it's all right with me. Here, have a drink. Certainly, that's the one thing I do like. The Macduffy circus will probably... Very nice, man. It's only friends. I'll get that dog out of here. I hate dogs. Shoe rower. Go on, get out. Get out. Now, where are you? Get out of here now. I can smell you better. Help! Look out for Jackie. Who's Jackie? Who's Jackie? Who's Jackie? Who's Jackie? Who's Jackie? Where's Jackie? He's gone, freedom. What's up, Jackie? Obviously, I got him. Good night. Get down. Get back, boys. Stay right here. It's not you. Huh? I tried to heal them. Back there. Stay quiet, boys. Just do what I can. Yeah, get back, boys. Come on. It's your hand now. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on, bubble. It's gonna hold my hand. Look out. What are you doing? Oh, no, no, no. All right, I'll buy you another pair. They was only from the dime store, but it took me three weeks to pick them up. Where are you? Give them up. Ow! Miss, you're dead. Oh! Oh! Leave me. Miss, you're dead. What are you trying to do? You don't see the... I'm not sure she's dead. Give them up. Yes, yes, yes. Ah! No, hang on. Ah! Yes, yes, yes. No! No, no, stay back here. You're back here. Wait a minute. Don't frighten Jackie. He don't frighten that easy. This is one time I thought the thought all the way back. Wait back Jackie. And I ain't going over that place if it's that dead. Now, shh, shh, shh, shh. Wait, Jackie now. Now be quiet, Jackie. That's the nice old iron. Only be a second now. Only be a second now. Be careful, boy. I thought I told you. That can make any noise. How can you know it's telephone sure? A play glass window without making any noise. You thought there were two play glass windows. Ah! Can you see them? There's a good old Jackie. There's a good boy. Oh, is he there? There's a good old Jackie. There's a boy. But just let me get you. Have you got a hold of me? I've got a hold of you. Hang on now. I'll get a change. I got you. Right, Jackie. Get your tail out of the way now. Hang on. Now be quiet. Easy. No, no, no. No! Hang on. Come on, Mr. Dill. No! Be quiet. Just a little bit. Oh, yes. Sit me in there. Right, Mr. Dill. Oh! Oh! Right now. Hang on. Hang on a minute. I can't. I can't. Oh! Right now. Yes. Are you all right? Oh, just a minute. You got a hold of me? Yeah, I got you. Hang on. I got it. I see. Hold it. Hang on. Hold the tail up from around Jackie's. A change from up around Jackie's neck. I see. And you got to get a hold of her. Just a minute. I'll show you. If I only had my glasses. Okay, now hang on. I got you. Here I go. I got you. I can't feel you holding me. I got you. I got you. You got me. I'm sorry. You got you. I got you. I'll be careful now, Mr. Dill. Why is your voice so far away when your coat has a right here? Why? Just a little bit. Why am I got something in there? Oh, boy. Are you sure he's all right, Wormie? Are you all right? Are you all right? Good. I'm sorry. I ain't never going to be this crammy then. Oh, boy, is this nice in here. Thought you didn't like jail. It's the first time I have appreciated one. So cozy, so solid. Don't they build them nice? Well, we'll be out of it pretty soon. No hurry. We got to get over this, you know. That wasn't part of the plan at all. You were telling me. Now let's see. I said that we'd be in jail by 3.30. We are, and I love it. And out again by a quarter to five. Well, yeah, and it's all right with me. Good old Jackie, did you stick to your neck house? They ought to be here with certified checks. Who? The bankers. They have to come with certified checks. There's nothing in this world as strong as a good idea. Never has failed, never will fail. It cannot fail. The thought is planted. One more second, they could have planted us too. Can you imagine watching a trapeze act? Oh, boy. They're the cops. Who? The bankers. Now you just watch. They tend to be indifferent. Right. Right. Right. A young lady. Mr. Dittlebock. I'm so sorry. What's that? Why, Miss Otis? That's just Jackie. Don't pay any attention to him. You bailed me out? Well, naturally, Mr. Dittlebock, we just put our savings together. That's all. He can't get out. Can he? Of course not. That's all savings are for anyway. Naturally, they weren't all mine. Or Tent's had the most of course seen me out of it. Naturally. And when we heard you were in trouble, are you sure the strong one? Of course they are. Thank you enough, my dear Miss Otis. I'm terribly touched. And as soon as I have a minute, I'll thank you for hours. But I'm not in the slightest trouble. This is all part of a plan. A foolproof plan. That cannot fail. That cannot fail. Oh, I thought you were in trouble. Far from it. Too high. Look as if I were in trouble. Ha! Now, you didn't have to see any bankers downstairs on your way up here, did you? No, I didn't, Mr. Dittlebock. Only a colored man. What was he doing? Mopping the floor except the sergeant. They've had plenty of time to get here. At least one of them should have come to steal a march on the others. They must know where I am. The paper says exactly the battery parked police station. You didn't have any trouble finding me, did you? I didn't say the papers, Mr. Dittlebock. Your coachman came and got me. His life is up soon. And while you was acrobaticking this afternoon, I was thinking to myself, thanks. I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Dittlebock. I don't know exactly what you're disappointed about. But maybe you could get arrested some other time if that's what you're trying to do. Well, that's that. But I just can't understand it. Come on, Wormie. We'll take Miss Otis home anyway. It's about all we have to offer. And we'll come back and get Jackie and... I'd be glad to go back and jail Miss Otis if it were to get your savings back. Don't talk nonsense, Mr. Dittlebock. Don't be depressed. The day is always dark and so... I know. Just before the cyclone. Say, what's the battery parked police station doing on Canal Street? The battery parked police station, too? Yes. That's where the paper said I was. Oh, they couldn't take you in. There wasn't room. Some roisterous. Some kind of body in there to you. Or they didn't like lines or something. Then where is the battery parked police station? Why, in Battery Park, sir. Naturally. Then what are you waiting for? Get in. You see what I told you? Hacking bankers around here. I was not in there. I was in here. Jack, what you're saying? I was not in there. I was not in there. I was not in there. I was not in there. I was in there. I was not in there. Keep up. I want help. I want to help. Wait up. Police! Do you feel better now? I thought a little air would do you good. It's very kind of you. Oh yes. This is my cab, isn't it? But anyway, would I hang you off the line from a building should I have a nightmare? I'm afraid you did, Mr. Dittle sincerely. I mean hang off the building. But I really wish you wouldn't anymore now that it isn't. You wish I would. a member of the firm and everything. What firm is that? Why, Wagleberry and company, where you always work? You say I'm a... But of course you are. Mr. Wagleberry said that Sergeant's free circus idea was the best advertising idea he'd heard of since Brody jumped off the bridge. And then when you got the accountant on. You say Sergeant bought the circus? Oh no, he already had a circus of his own. Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey bought your circus. Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey? You mean for money? He certainly didn't buy it for peanuts. But I thought that there were some bankers. Weren't there some bankers who wanted it or something? Oh yes, but they didn't want it as much as Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey wanted it. They just wanted it for the free circus idea which Mr. Sargent already had, which made you a member of the firm. But Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey really wanted it. The bankers never got any higher than $150,000. $150,000? That's right, but when Ringling Brothers don't like something they really don't like it. They don't like... They don't like free circuses. $175,000 worth, they don't like them. $175,000? I'm so happy for you, Mr. Dittobock. I mean so much happening in such a short time. I'm very proud of you, too. You must be terrible intelligent. I beg your pardon, Mr. Dittobock? $175,000? That's right, you see, it's written... Oh. It's written twice. Oh, you're wearing the engagement ring. I remember now $175,000. How beautiful it looks on your little hand. $17... I... I see. What's the matter, Mr. Dittobock? You saw it be the happiest day of my life. You expected a job, you expected money. But it isn't. Funny, isn't it? I'm not quite sure I understand, Mr. Dittobock. What's so difficult to understand about it? I just said that I'm very happy for you. If I didn't say it, I meant it. I just made a killing in circuses. I am, you tell me, a member of a large advertising firm that I don't know how much per year, if ever I could afford to support a... Now, and once again, I've just lost one of the little girls in the world. The last one, I am naturally delighted. Excuse me for even thinking like this. Now, if you'll tell me where you live, I'll take you home. You mean you don't remember, Mr. Dittobock? Remember what? What is it for me to remember? What I want to do is to learn how to forget. Remember that you're married? Remember that I married you. How's that again? I said don't you remember marrying you, Mr. Dittobock? Marrying you, Mr. Dittobock? How could I possibly remember marrying you, Mr. Dittobock? And the first place your name is, Mr. Dittobock? And the second place? You mean you don't remember coming out to Flatbush in the middle of the night with an orchestra? Flatbush? The whole neighborhood, while you told me that it was about time you did something about whenever, daughter. Isn't that rather than getting a long velvet cloak that turned out afterwards to be a window curtain? I mean, galloping all the way back to New Jersey. A bit, you know, it's... Are you sure of your facts, Miss Otis? Am I sure? Really, Mr. Dittobock? This is terrible, Miss Otis. I'll never forgive myself if I live to be the only difference in our age alone is. I mean to say not that I don't worship the very ground you walk on, but I mean, looking at us together, I must have been out of my mind. I was out of my mind. Why didn't you resist me, Miss Otis? Because you were irresistible. Irresistible, irresistible, my grandmother's. Poodle, I mean to say, look at me. I'm looking at you now. What do you see? My husband. Your husband, pitiful, bunk, sentimental drip man. Fortunately, there's still time to rectify this nonsense, this miscarriage of him. We'll have it in no for you. I don't think that would be practical, Mr. Dittobock. All right, then you can go to Reno or any place else that you like. At least I can afford it now. What do you mean it wouldn't be practical? I'll always be glad to look after you as generously and as well as I know how. Anything that I have is yours, Miss Otis. Everything I have is yours, Mr. Dittobock. And I'll tell you something else, Mr. Dittobock. I'm not going to Reno or any place else because you've seen Mr. Dittobock. It took you so long to make up your mind to join our family that now that we have you, we don't think we'd better ever let you go. But, my dear, this was... And I'll tell you something else, Mr. Dittobock, that you also have a brother to ask me. I love you, Mr. Dittobock. My dear Miss Otis, I'm a dear child. Oh, my dear, that must be what I was doing all day Wednesday!