 Good afternoon. Welcome to Shrink Wrap with Steve Katz, except Steve's not here. Steve and his lovely wife Tamra are in Oregon. They're bicycling and swimming across rivers and having a great time. So I'm substituting today. My name is Ken Burtness. I'm adjunct faculty at a Chaminade. I'm with their Masters of Counseling Psychology program out there. And today we're lucky because I have a very special guest and a special friend visiting. Her name is Jamie McCuitt. And she's with Family Huey, Hawaii, and we're going to talk about parenting today and why parenting is the toughest job in the world. Welcome, Jamie. I can't thank you. Yeah, it's an amazing job that we're totally unprepared for. No one manual. Lots of manuals, but not one. Not one, yes. And they're all different and they change all the time. And our society is changing and the manual that we grew up with is no longer in print. Well, even the form that we grew up in, we were much more tribal before. So there was an inherent support group within your family to help you raise your children. And now, because of modern society, we don't have anything like that, so it's like... So what happened to that support group? Well, I mean, people are transient now. They're not living in the same place that maybe they originated. Even if they do have parents, they might be aging parents or they might not be available for support. And even if they have parents that are available to support them through their parenting issues, they might not agree with what the parents want to actually do. But it was good enough when I was raising you as a kid, so why not now? So one of the things that we find with Family Huey Hawaii is that we've recreated that it takes a village kind of approach. Yeah, that's terrific. So we form Hueys in areas where people ask for them. So you have to virtually go online and ask Family Huey Hawaii. I'm in Kaniohe. I have a two-year-old. I'd like to form a Huey. And it's the only free, peer-led parenting group in the state. We have groups on Maui, Lanai, Molokai, and Anahu. We service about 360 families. In the last year, we've had 360 families participate in these Hueys. And it can be anywhere from five parents to ten parents in a group. But you're placed together in your geographical area and based on the age of your child. So we want families who are raising children the same age to have that support system around the developmental levels that their children are going through. Oh, that's terrific. Parents, I specialize in marriage and family counseling as far as teaching future marriage and family counselors out of Chaminade. And the families that come in for therapy are just overwhelmed. They're just so stressed out. Both parents are working. There's no time. There's so much more required, it seems like, today. You've got to rush here and rush there. And you've got to prepare your child to get into preschool, the best preschool. Stuff that when I was growing up, we never even thought about. And all these added pressures, I just see families and parents that are so overwhelmed and kids that are so distant from their parents. Well, the other thing about modern society is this huge issue of technology. So, I mean, I think most people are aware that violence on TV does have an effect on children. But what people aren't really talking about is how children are learning to communicate now. Like, they're not learning to have one-on-one conversations or one-on-three or whatever because they're using iPhones or iPads. And that's why all of our huis usually meet outside. Like, you decide within the group where you're going to meet. It's usually a public park or a beach or something. And so, we plan activities for the children. And then there's a 12-week curriculum that we actually go through discussion points. Now, depending on what hui you're in, if you're an in-infant hui, it's ideal because they're breastfeeding, they're lying, they're sleeping, they're not moving around a lot. And it's a really good opportunity for parents to share what they're going through because it is a job that is 24-7. No breaks for brushing your teeth, going to the bathroom, having a shower, anything like that. And it is constant. I mean, I've been a talent agent to major movie stars. I've read international publishing houses and represented the whole world for global rights. And I've never experienced a job as hard as parenting because it's constant. It is on all the time. So, I knew we're on all the time. There's not that break of, oh, okay, I can take a minute after this meeting and have a little breather because they're absorbing all of your energy. And I just read a statistic recently. It was on the Family Hui website, actually, about a two-year-old. And a two-year-old's brain fires off 700 new neurological connections every second. Every second. I'm like, no wonder they're like that. Their heads are exploding with everything that's going on. So, Family Hui is trying to replicate having that support group inherent within a community. So while you're raising your children, everybody does become the auntie and uncle. So that's how you get your breaks then? Yes, yes. And the other thing is, we have all of our curriculum is based on the latest research. So that's the other thing. People are getting on the internet and, oh, this person's telling me to do this and this expert is telling me to do this. Well, we've got the latest scientific and medical and psychological research, but it's backed up by a human being sitting right there saying, you know what, that didn't work for me at all. But this really helped. And there's just this, I mean, I went through this. This incredible, okay, somebody else. I'm not alone. I'm not isolated. I'm not the only one going through this. And this worked for this person. So maybe I'll try this or, you know what, I'll take your kids for a couple of hours. You take mine for a couple of hours next week and, you know, go read, take a bath, whatever. Those kinds of things that just don't happen anymore. Okay. So you mentioned the infant who is, you know, it's a zero to one. What about the terrible two weeks? Tell us about that. I co-led two toddler whoies. So I am very well aware of the challenges. And one of them was we had three sets of twins in this whoie. So an ideal whoie is supposed to have, an ideal toddler whoie is supposed to have five. Five children only. So here we had, and the program manager for Family Who Hawaii came to my first session when we had these twins on a weekend. And you could see, you know, everybody's eyes is going, oh my God, they're going this way and that way. And there's only, you know, it's not even a one on one ratio here. You know, it's one on two. And we used the parachute as a centering device. So basically anything colorful is going to catch their eye so you can get them down. Well, tell me about the parachute. Oh, well, it's, I mean, you can buy them just about anywhere now, commercial parachutes. It's just a big round parachute that's in rainbow colors. And it's a nice little attraction for their eyes but also centers them so that you can get them to sit on the parachute. You might get them to run under the parachute. And what I found with the toddler who is it takes on a rhythm of its own anyway. So eventually all that keyed up energy, there comes a settling point when then they're ready to sit down and maybe sing some songs or play a ball game or something like that. But the big thing about parenting is that whatever energy you're exuding, the kids pick it up and mimic it right away. So if you're stressed out, they get more hyper. And so I think the biggest thing with the support of the other people in the group is that it can bring a relative calm to a situation. And, you know, we have our issues where somebody does something and gets hurt or somebody smacks somebody else. I mean, I'm talking children. And, you know, those. No parents fights. No, no, no parents. No soccer moms or hockey moms. But, but, you know, it works itself out. It comes to a natural rhythm. So with the toddler who is it tends to shift a little bit. So what we what we did was sometimes we would walk. So sometimes we'd have them in the stroller and we'd be hiking. And so that would be the opportunity where we could get to talk. Sometimes it just became a play date about the kids. So we always had an activity available. So the other thing was bubbles. Bubbles are great. Bubbles are like the go-to cheap tool. You can make your own with Dawn dish soap. And I see you brought some. I did bring some, but I'm not allowed to use them in your studio because I might mess things up. That's the other thing about toddlers. Very messy, very messy. Everybody's armed. That's the other thing having other parents around. Everybody has their extra diapers or their extra wipes or extra food or. So if you run out, you've always got some extra. Yeah. Now the whole thing about role modeling that you got into is if we role model calm, then the kids start coming down. And that's pretty hard for some parents, but that's something you can help them with and teach them, right? Well, the thing about the curriculum that we walk through. So when I say curriculum, it's not like every week we're there, you know, you're going to get tested on this. Although we did have homework at the beginning. And one of the homework things was do something for yourself this week. And you had to come back and report like what did you do for that hour or whatever. Because parents get so wrapped up in everything that is going on with their children's lives. They forget to eat. They forget to bathe. They forget, you know, I remember we had a, we have a single father of twins who, I forget what was going on that day, but I actually said to him, go take a shower. Take a shower now. And you were able to do that diplomatically. Yeah. Oh, in my diplomatic way, just like that. Go take a shower now. So yes, so we might not focus that much on whatever the topic is of the day. And because we're on Facebook and we do email and texts and all of those kinds of things, it might be a discussion that continues on after the actual meeting. And what we find with the Huys is people form lifelong friendships. So not only the parents, but the children are growing up. We can ask you about the children's friendships. The cohorts that they develop. So, you know, my son knows every auntie's name that's been in our Huey and, you know, will actually ask for those particular aunties at any given time. And you know that you always have a playmate for, you know, a rainy day. You don't know what you're going to do that day. You can phone up one of your Huey friends. And we've had testimonials for people who did it like 25, 30 years ago. They saved my life and I'm still friends with so-and-so. And our kids went to college together or romances spurred on. We're going to have to take a break in just a minute, but, you know, you mentioned communication. And one of the things I'd like to go into after the break is everybody says we live in the age of communication with our iPhones and everything, but it's a different kind of communications than we had when we were kids. So I'd like to talk a little bit about that when we come back from break. I'm going to turn that right away and thank you for joining us. This is Shrink Wrap, Hawaii, and Think Tech Hawaii. And my name is Ken Burtness and I'll be right here when you get back. Thank you. Hey, how are you doing? Welcome to Abachi Talk. My name is Andrew Lanning. I'm your co-host. And we have a nice program here every Friday at one o'clock, Think Tech Studios where we talk about technology and we have a little bit of fun with it. So join us if you can. Thanks. Aloha. Hi, I'm Donna Blanchard. I'm the host of Center Stage, which is on Wednesdays at 2 o'clock here on Think Tech. On Center Stage, I talk with artists about not only what they do and how they do it, but the meat of the conversation for me is why they do it, why we go through this. A lot of us are not making our livings doing this and a lot of us would do this with our last dying breath if we had that choice. And that's what I love to talk to people about. I hope you enjoy watching it and I hope you get inspired because there's an artist inside you too. Join us on Center Stage at 2 o'clock on Wednesdays. Bye. Aloha. Hey, Jackal. University of Hawaii football team under Rolovitch is going to kick butt this season. In case you didn't understand me, University of Hawaii football team is going to kick butt under Rolovitch this season. So be sure to follow us on Think Tech Hawaii and Hibachi Top. I'll be at every game. And remember, Aloha. Welcome back to Shrink Rap Hawaii. I'm Ken Burtness and I'm here with J. M. McHugh. And we're talking about parenting, the hardest job in the world. So just before the break, I just wanted to talk about communications again because we're sitting there and you see everybody looking at this iPhone. You see them looking at the iPads and they're talking to people and they're doing things and people say, well, this is the age of communication. This is the glory age. And yet it's a different kind of communication than you and I sitting here talking to each other. What's the big difference there? Well, the thing is, I've been on hikes, for instance. You're in the middle of nature. The whole thing is hikes with Keiki. The point is to be out there enjoying nature and I see the kids that are under four, I'd say, under four and they've got the iPhone with them. And they're about to walk off the cliff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, trip over that roof or whatever kind of thing. So it doesn't give kids any cognizance of nonverbal cues which at their early stages in development are really important. That's when all those synapses are firing to pick up what is being said. You know, like when Dad used to give you the look. I mean, when I was being raised, no voices had to be raised. It was just the look, right? The look was enough to get you to do whatever needed to be done. So those kinds of things are being completely missed now because kids are attached. So the whole thing about Huey, and again, I emphasize it's really nice to do it outside, is getting down on their level. So we inevitably have a parachute or a picnic blanket out and you're down on their level, operating at their level. And I think that's one of the things that people are missing as far as the joys of parenting go. It's like you're always up above, giving the commands, don't do this, do as opposed to getting down there and having fun with them and playing because that's how they're learning. That's another great thing about Huey, is we walk through the stages of development of a child. So we actually do what's it called, these ASQs. I'm sorry. That's okay. While you're doing that, one of the things I used to do in adolescent psychology when I was teaching them is I would make all my students who were adults get down on their knees and I would just ask them to describe what was around them. And now they're looking up to doorknobs and they're looking up to this and everything is like this, instead of like this. And it takes them back and most of the adults that I work with and interact with children have forgotten what it's like to be a child, forgotten what it's like just the physicality of looking up, looking around. That stuff that you mentioned at the beginning where there's so much information, so much learning happening, they've forgotten that flood of new things because there's so much now that isn't new and they've forgotten the joy of learning new stuff. And you just sit there and through your kids you can do that. You can watch your kid and you can see their eyes, is that eyes light up and you can see connections coming in and the kid is saying, oh my God, I've never seen that before. What is that, Dad? Or what is that, Mom? And if you can be there for that and sort of remember and relive that, it's a joy. It is. That was my answer to your, I think, presupposed question of what was my greatest joy of parenting or what is my greatest joy of parenting. And that's it. You're seeing a thought process form, a creative process form. You see the aha moment when it happens but you don't see it if you're upstairs getting the dinner ready or getting the homework ready or whatever. And I know all of those things have to be done but the house is always going to be dirty or untidy. The meal is going to get out there. The homework is going to get done and you have to take those moments and just really be present. And even if you do it in a structured way, that's, I don't know, that's what I have found has been the biggest benefit of saying I'm going to have this hour I'm going to take one hour, maybe it's 15 minutes in some cases but it's going to be this chunk of time and I'm going to be totally present with my child or children right then. And if it's on their level, all the better. I was watching a film the other night about a famous singer and who's now my age. And she was saying that one of the things that she regretted when she was raising her kid was that she would be totally into her kid and then the phone would ring and she would be out of that with the kid and it would be something with her career or something important and that connection would be cut. And these hours that you're talking about are the 15 minutes where you spend with the kid, it really needs to be without the cell phone, without the connection with the other world where you just can devote that time to your kid. Otherwise it's going to send the wrong message out if you're there and then all of a sudden you're gone. And I mean, I'm as guilty of this as any other parent because my child is the most photographed child on the planet. I noticed that. But if you can actually have an experience without taking the picture of having the experience, the memory is what you're creating right there. It doesn't have to be plastered over Facebook or written about in a journal or I mean sometimes I feel like, I want to go and write this down. He just said that really funny thing and I know I'm not going to remember it later, but the moment is the important thing. Yeah. But you do, and I have to tell a story to the audience about this. Jamie and I met at the Wynward Writing Retreat and we've been going together there or meeting up there for a couple of years and I've had the chance to read some of Jamie's material and it's been a lot about her son but it's not just a journal type of thing. It's not just recording it. It's also creating the moment and creating the things that come out of that. It's a creative process and so I've had the joy of reading some of Jamie's creative words about what it's like to be a mother and what it's like to raise a kid and it's a joy. It makes you more creative when you're in that mode and you're seeing your kid open up to all these new things. It opens you up to all these new things and new ideas and you think, I can write about that or I can do about that or I can connect it up this way. Yeah, I mean I have a kind of unique situation in that I gave birth when I was almost 52 years old so we've been trying for 14 years and we've been foster parents and we were going to adopt and all of this so we have this miracle baby but what I realized when I went to Huey is that I was in the same position at people at the other end of the scale who were very young and had children were all going like, ah, okay, now what? And I read the books. I read all the books but the books don't give you anything when you're there in the moment and he's fallen off the bed that's three feet off the ground and you think, did I just give him brain damage? So the reassurance of having that cohort and the other great thing about Huey is the first time moms, dads, parents they gain so much from the other I mean you can see, I'm sure you see it in your practice baby number one, that's the one that has the 4,000 pictures on face already and baby number two, not so many pictures Yeah, he'll get fed. Oh, he fell off the bed three feet. It's fine, like he bounces. So as... And baby number three? Right. Where are they? Yeah, exactly. Haven't you got them? Oh, no, I'm sure. Oh, look at there. But that's the thing, it's like it does get easier so we're always like reassuring first time parents, maybe one of them is that, you know, you get the hang of it and that's the other thing is talking with these other people you get to see what's normal you know, like that's a phrase that's bantered about all the time you think like, he's not talking yet or she's not walking yet or, oh my goodness, this one's sleeping through the night and ours isn't but you see that every one of them is different, you know and what works for a time like I thought at one point Kamana was sleeping through the night perfectly. I thought, oh my goodness I got six hours sleep last night that was so fantastic and this went on for a couple of months and I thought, I'll get it down and it shifts something changes and automatically you're on to the next thing and I was like, that doesn't work anymore and you're back in sleep deprivation and you know, I mean look at it it's an effective form of torture they use it as torture right so you think you're doing this job that's 24-7 you're sleep deprived you've got a full bladder all the time you've probably got an empty stomach and you're probably dirty because you haven't had a shower so yeah, you're not operating at your best of course and when you think about, okay I get stressed out what happens when you get stressed out all of these things happen in your body and you can't, you know think what's happening to a little person when they're stressed out if they're having a tantrum or whatever I mean, they have all of these big emotions going through, they're surging through their little bodies and you think that they're just going to stop because you want them to because you're feeling embarrassed in public so these ASQs that we do it's a series of questions geared to exactly the developmental level that your child is at so it'll be like 22 months or 13 months or whatever and you walk through them and people will usually get them traditionally maybe at their pediatricians but maybe you're not seeing your pediatrician that often or if your child's going into preschool you might have to answer a set of these but the Huey provides them and we go through them and it just gives you a range and it's not really to say that this child isn't normal it just might flag up something that maybe you want to look at that maybe, you know we're getting toward the end of the show and I did want to, you know, talk about parents looking in on this show and they're saying, okay I mean, you know I've got all this good information, you know and Jamie's been sharing this about the Huey and all that sort of stuff but what's one thing I can do right now to make things a little easier for them and we've already talked about what I think is probably the most critical thing and that one thing is spending some dedicated time with your kid, you know so to make that connection and from there it gets easier but what's, let's talk about one or two other things that they might be able to do right now parents who are looking at this program and looking for some answers, you know or something to make it a little less stressful or maybe get a little more sleep tonight or something to help something to help them. Well one of the things they could do immediately is go to the Huey website and just say I would like to join a Huey tell them the area you're in and the age of your child and we'll get on it so I polled some of my Huey friends to ask them this question and the very first thing that came up was self-care take an hour for yourself and I was like but that might be in a situation where they can't do self-care right now and so then a lot of the responses were like oh it's such a cliche but one of the things is count to ten this isn't for the child this isn't for the time out for the child this is for you to get to that place exactly so you can get to that place where you're modeling the kind of behavior that you want to have happen and the thing about those ASQs that I was talking about is that it tells you this is perfectly this is exactly what this child is going through at this stage so that reaction I mean one of our things is how to discipline children right so most parents that's when they get the most stressed out right like the child is doing something you don't want the child to do and you have to deliver whatever your form of discipline is in a very compassionate way in a very calm way too and calm right because it's going to escalate we're running short and it's gone very quickly there's a lot to talk about with parenting and I know people are having problems out there so we just want to talk a little bit about that and maybe we'll get a chance to do it some other time but like I said if you need some help there's always help available here in Hawaii and with Family Huey and a lot of different places can offer support to you and I want to thank you for being with us on shrink wrap Hawaii and I want to especially thank Jamie McCuitt and she has a little something to show a little plug here we're having a benefit this weekend on the 11th of September at Kalama Beach Club and we're going to have a giant water slide which is a great thing for the kids there's lots of beach activities lots of silent auction items and so come join us terrific when is it again? it's September 11th this coming Sunday from 11 to 4 terrific well Jamie thank you so much for joining us thank you and thank you all for being here at shrink wrap Hawaii we've enjoyed it and we hope you have too and Steve Katz will be returning and Steve I hope you're having a wonderful time on your vacation