 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Juckles with a carload and music by Matty Malnick. So hold on to your chairs, folks, where here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello. What's all this yelling for? Stop it and tell me, where have you been all day? Well, I'll tell you as soon as I look. Abbott, my grandfather died this morning. Oh, that's too bad. What is it becoming of your grandmother? Oh, grandpa took care of that. He did something for grandma in a cookie jar in the kitchen. What was it, money? No, cookies. Juckles with a carload and music by Matty Malnick. Why are you going out and get yourself a job? Well, I'm trying, Abbott. See, I work 20 girl hours a day. You mean man hours? You work your hours, I work mine. Juckles with a carload and music by Matty Malnick. See, you're just a dope. Did you ever go to school? Yes, sir, I went to school. I'll never forget until I was 13 years old I had long golden curls and one night my mother cut them off. Oh, I'll bet the teacher was surprised the next day. Not as much as the kid that sat next to me. He'd been carrying my books home for two years. Juckles with a carload and music by Matty Malnick. Get him out of here! Juckles with a carload and music by Matty Malnick. But before they continue, listen to this. You're not kidding. You do look tired, though, Lou. Well, I'll tell you. What? I stayed home last night, Abbott. I sat in the living room at dark all night reading Darwin's theory on relativity of monkeys to man. You sat in the dark reading. How can you read in the dark? I figured that if you don't understand what you're reading, what's the use of straining your eyes? You know nothing about books. Your whole family is illiterate. Is that so? Yeah, that's so. Well, my uncle Tom is a great writer. The poor guy, his wife ran away with a sailor. All the animals on his farm died. Cyclone blew down his barn. His car rolled off a cliff. He had a bad case of orangitis. His house burned down. And in trying to put out the fire, he climbed up the fireman's ladder and fell off and broke every bone in his body. So he wrote the story of his life and now it's on the radio. What's it called? A date with Judy. I'll never, never mind that. Where have you been? Never mind that, Luke. Where have you been all afternoon? I don't have an option time. They keep laughing them up. Well, where have you been all afternoon? Well, I went to the movies, Abbott. And I sat through the picture 15 times. Why did you sit through the picture 15 times? I couldn't remember where I came in. I suppose you took the yellow one to the movies with you? No, sir. I got a new girl. Ah, she's got a beautiful house. She's got a great big bathroom with a Griesian bathtub. She has? Yeah, I don't know what she needs it for. I've been over there every night for two weeks. Not one Greek come over there for a bath. You and your girls, you dummy. You don't know the first thing about girls. I'll have you know that I've been going with girls all my life. Why, when I was 16 years old, I smoked my first cigarette and kissed my first girl. Who did you kiss? Who knows? A smoke got in my eyes. I don't know why I even talk to you. You have no culture. You have nothing about, you know nothing about literature. You know nothing about art. You know nothing about music. Hold it right there. What? Abbott, when you're speaking about music, you're looking at the former child prodigy. You are? When I was only four years old, my mother bought me a piano. Before I was five years old, I made $400. Giving recitals? No, I sold a piano. You're an idiot and your whole family are idiots. Oh, I don't know. My brother Pat is really smart. He just invented a new breakfast food. It's called Gorgeous George Flakes. A breakfast food called Gorgeous George Flakes. Yes, I got some right here in my pocket. Here, taste them. I'll say it. No, no. It's not bad, is it? Wait a minute. That stuff is terrible. Tastes like chopped up wisp rooms. It is. Of course, it's got no food value, but it sweeps out your stomach. Hello, Uncle Louis. Hey, it's Abbott's nephew. What do you want, nephew Norman? Well, Uncle, but I just been reading a book. And it says that the girls that graduate from Vassar College have 3.1 children. And the girls that graduate from UCLA have 1.2 children. And this proves conclusively that women have more children than men. And why not? They're home a lot. You know, Uncle Louis, you're pretty smart. I know a guy who would give $10 just for your head. Scientist? No, he runs a bowling alley. You know, Abbott, I wish sometimes this was a giveaway program. Why? I'd like to give away your nephew, Norman. You lay off my nephew. Abbott, I just found out why they call him Norman, Mixmaster Abbott. How did he get the middle name of Mixmaster? When he was born, his father took one look at him and threw all his money in a bowl and beat it. Costella, how can you be so pleasant one moment and so mean the next? You're a regular Dr. Janklin, Mr. Hyde. Who were they? A team like Amos and Andy and Abbott and Costella? No, no, no, no. Dr. Janklin and Mr. Hyde were one man. Or rather, they were really two men. Only actually, they were only one man. Don't you know the story? No, it don't sound like you do either. Well, it's a very famous story. Are you familiar with Robert Louis Stevenson? Well, he hardly ever speaks to me. You idiot, Stevenson has been dead for over 40 years. No wonder he hardly ever speaks to me. I've read all of his stories. He wrote sea stories. Oh, I love the sea. You love the sea? Yes. Love of the sea runs in my family. My great-grandfather was a sea dog. My grandfather was a sea dog. My father was a sea dog. And then along came me. Well, luck can't hold out forever. A water span you'll have to creep in here someplace. You know nothing about this for you. The ocean is wonderful. Have you ever seen the flying fishes fly? And the leaping tuna leap? No, but I sure the dolphins doubt. And I've heard the purposes perp. Why don't you come fishing with me next Sunday? Costella, I'm going out on my sloop. Do you know anything about sloops? I love sloops. There's nothing like a hot bowl of sloop with cracker. Yes, dummy, you wouldn't know the difference between a sloop and a gunboat. That's what I had for lunch. Chicken gunboat sloop. No. Come in. Hi, fellas. What do you want? Nothing. I saw a sign out there that said ring the bell for Abbott and Costello. Well? What's the matter? Can't you guys ring it yourselves? If I was to tell you that these guys that do one line get more than us, you wouldn't believe it. Costella, did you hire that actor that was just in here? Certainly. That was Milton Bronson from New York. Milton Bronson? Never heard of him. Well, he just completed a very successful run in New York of 32 weeks on the Asteroofe where he was nailing down tarpaper. And speaking of tarpaper Abbott, here comes our beautiful secretary, Viola Vaughn. Say, I heard that remark, Costello. When I came here to tell you that I'm leaving you for another man. Who is it, Van Johnson? No. Gregory Peck? No. Robert Taylor? No. Am I warm? If you were warm, I wouldn't be leaving you. That's telling him, Viola. Viola, sweetheart, you can't leave me. I love you. Come into my arms and give me a kiss. I can't. You've got a cigar in your mouth. What are you worrying about? It's not lit. You have no romance in your soul. Yes, Abbott is right, Costello. Have you ever really made love to a girl? Last week, I met a girl under a tree in Griffith Park. We sat under that tree and made love. Every time I kissed her, she'd carve my initials in a tree. Every time I kissed her, she'd carve her initials in a tree. Every time she'd kiss me, I'd carve her initials in a tree, and every time she'd kiss me, I'd carve my initials in a tree. Then what happened? About 9.30, the tree fell over and hit us on her head. Must be pretty sharp at kissing. Well, Viola, my kiss has come in four delicious flavors. What are they? Baked, fried, barbecued, and hitch up the fire engine, boys, there's got to be a hot time in the old town tonight. Viola, why don't you marry Costello? That's the most obnoxious proposition I've had, Viola. I knew you'd like it, Viola. Viola, if you marry me, we'll have a boy for me and a girl for you, and a boy for me and a girl for you, and a boy for me and a girl for you. Wait a minute. What about me? We're not taking any more orders right now. Viola, I'm going to kiss you. Costello, if you kiss me, I'll tell all my other boyfriends. Tell your girlfriends it'll do me more good. Viola, you know how Costello and I feel about you, and it's up to you to choose between us. I did. This afternoon, I was in the woods, and I picked a daisy. And as I pulled off the pedals, I said, I love Abbott. I love Costello. I love Abbott. I love Costello. And which one of us won? Maddie Malnick. Maddie Malnick. How did he get in this? He was in the woods with me when I picked the daisy. Now, I'm only kidding, Lou. You're really the one I love. Merchrally. Oh, come here. Let me put my arms around you. There. Just rest your head on my shoulders. Lou, would you mind if I ran my fingers through your hair? I wouldn't care if you ran through it in your bare feet. Viola, when you hold me like this, I get an aching feeling in my chest. Is it love? No, you're bending my junior G-man's bed. Get him out of here. And there's a lot more mad stuff still to go. Right now, a change of face. I'd like to hear this. Now, ladies and gentlemen, with how went there's a singing star of our show. Brush those tears from your eyes and try to realize that the ache in my heart is for you. Brush those tears from your eyes and try to realize that from now on, but I didn't mean to stay. And I will re-until my dying day. Brush those tears from your eyes and try to realize that the ache in my heart is for you. The ache in my heart from now on to stay. And I will re-until my dying day. That the ache in my heart came to stay. And I will re-until my dying day. Brush those tears from your eyes and try to realize that the ache in my heart is for you. I just been thinking. We got an offer. We ought to do something about it. What are you talking about? Well, you remember the deal CBS made with Jack Benny? They gave him $6 million to come over to their network. Yes. Well, CBS wants to give us $9 million. What for? To stay on ABC. You idiot, comparing yourself to Jack Benny. Jack is a great comedian. I'm a great comedian. Jack Benny is always good for a laugh. I'm always good for a laugh. Jack Benny gets $20,000 a week. I'm always good for a laugh. Jack Benny made Waukegan famous. That's in Illinois, you know. You wouldn't have known had you been there in a script. So what? I made Paris New Jersey famous. I made the whole state of New Jersey famous. I'll wait a minute. I'll wait a minute. What did you do for New Jersey? I was born in New Jersey. Oh, what? I went to school number 15 in New Jersey. I made friends with everybody in New Jersey. I'm always rooting for New Jersey. When I was 16 years old, I formed the band and we played all over New Jersey. What was the name of your band? Luke Costello and his Royal Canadians. Will you please talk, Saints? Hey, wait a minute. Come here. What is that book you're carrying? Well, it's my new Sam Shevel to take the book. I just finished writing it. I call it 100 Steps to Take When You Come Face to Face with a Killer. Sounds interesting. What are the steps? What are the steps? I'll read them to you. Step one, move in front of the killer. Step two, place your hand on the door knob. Step three, open the door. That's three. Right. What about the other 97 steps? As soon as you get to the door open, take them as fast as you can. It's just a new Sam Shevel tonight. I hope you have an interesting case. All that I have. You have? But it's a very sad case habit. I call it the case of the housefly who drowned when he walked in a pot of hot coffee or strolling through the perk one day. Well, OK. Let's get on with it. I'm Sam Shevel, private eye. Hello, Sam. Ay-ya-ya-ya. As the beautiful nurse who works for the doctor across the hall, he's an eye specialist. She makes a spectacle of herself. There's a lot of doctors in this building. Next door to me is a cat doctor. I wouldn't go to him. Very few cats make good doctors. I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping good lately. My bedroom is right next to the nursery. All night long, I keep hearing whales in the nursery. Just whales from the nursery. Sometimes I wish I had kids. Bell phone rings, receiver up. Oh. Hello, Sam Shevel. I was giving you the whole works. Hello, Sam Shevel, private detective speaking. Hello, Sam. This is the chief of police in San Francisco. I need your help. Some darn crook stole a Golden Gate Bridge. When did you first notice it was missing? This morning when I heard several loud splashes. That's the way it goes in this business. You get all kinds of cases. I'm working on a case about a man a crook who steals soda pop. Nothing but soft drinks. The police haven't had this public enemy number seven up. This office gets busier every day. I got to get some new furniture. Ah, there's an ad in the paper. It's this knee-hold desk half price. No wonder they're selling them at half price. Very few people have holes in their knees big enough to put a desk in. Here's another headline. Los Angeles buses to run on schedule. It would be better if we could get them to run on the street. I noticed my pal Lieutenant Abbott in a homicide squad coming towards the office. Lieutenant Abbott is a self-made man. His family was very poor. Not only did he come into this world without a cent to his name, but when he was born he owed $17. Abbott was an incubator baby, but his family was so poor he couldn't afford an incubator. For the first six months of his life he sat in a can of sternum. Hello, Sam Shovel. Ah, it's my pal Lieutenant Abbott. You look tired, Lieutenant. Yeah, yeah. I've been out all morning showing a bunch of rookie cops the ropes. Showing them the ropes? I bet that's a tough job. No, it ain't so tough. I just march them into a hardware store and say, men, those are the ropes. Come to think of it, Abbott, you ain't tired. It's your jokes. By the way, Sam, how do you feel? Like a banjo. Like a banjo? How's that? Everybody's picking on me. You know, there's two tired jokes. Anybody want to buy them? Talk, Sam, Sam. I'm going to let you in on a very important case from Scotland Yard. Lady Stirring Spoon, the famous English jewel smugglers in town turn over a load of diamonds to Limehouse Harry the fence. We've got Limehouse Harry in jail. Lady Stirring Spoon has never met Limehouse, and I want you to take his place. If you do this, you'll get a lot of cases from Scotland Yard. How can I be sure of getting more cases from Scotland Yard? Well, they will always be in England. Yes, and I hope we can afford it. Enough of this nonsense, Sam. We're going over to Lady Stirring Spoon's hideout. Remember, you're supposed to be Limehouse Harry, the English fence. Lieutenant Abbott and I hurried to Lady Stirring Spoon's hideout. I, impersonating Limehouse Harry, knocked on the door. The door was opened by one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She was wearing a Berlin airlift dressed. In order to see her, you had to fly over it. Lady Stirring Spoon, I'm Limehouse Harry, and I'm a fence. A fence? A fence. You look more like the wall around the La Brea tarpits. Limehouse Harry, eh? Why'd you ever leave London? Well, I couldn't very well take it with me. Gotta get the diamonds. Oh, yes. Lady, Lady Stirring Spoon, before you give the diamonds, would you give me a kiss? Well... Well, you are nice, Harry. Yes. But kissing during business hours is hardly cricket. Oh, come, come, come, come. All right, Harry. Come here. Still say that's not cricket. Lady, if cricket was like that, it would run baseball right out of town. You know, you intrigue me. You're such a witt. How would you like to be my fifth husband? Fifth? What happened to the other four? Oh, they all died of natural causes. Pneumonia. How do you know it was Pneumonia? They always coughed so when I took them out of the deep freeze. That's enough of this nonsense. That's enough of this nonsense. That's me, you quiet outlaw. Enough is enough. You never had this girl kiss you, did you? Quiet. Just a minute. Guarantee you wouldn't take place for many times. We're cops. Well, I say I'm a shovel detective. And I'm Lieutenant Abbott. And we're taking you to jail. Oh, no. Stop that. Please, Mr. Sam, shovel. Don't take me to jail. Lieutenant, she's too beautiful to put in jail. Let's give her a chance. Sam, you're crazy. She's a crook. What do you propose to do? Lady Sturdy Spoon, I know you're a crook, but I'm going to give you a chance. Oh, Sam, if you do, I'll never steal anything again. Okay. I'm going to turn out the lights and count three. Then I'll turn them on again. If all the diamonds you stole are on that table when the lights go on, I'll let you go free. Out with the lights. One, two, three. Turn on the lights. Sam, Sam, the diamonds are not on the table, and Lady Sturdy Spoon is gone. Where did she go? Never mind her, Lieutenant. What happened to my pants? Get him out of here. The boys will be back for a curtain call in just a few seconds. The time it takes to tell you this. I worked out tonight, and I could stay in a drink. You know I don't drink, Abbott, but if you come over to my house, I'll mix you one of my Uncle Mike's favorites. What does it consist of? Well, first you take a quarter bourbon, mix it with three quarts of gin and a pint of vodka. Then you add four bottles of brandy, shake it all up together, and drink it. It's called a California Pedestrian Cocktail. Why do you call it a California Pedestrian Cocktail? One drink, and you'll never know why to hit you. Well, I'll try it. Before we say goodnight, let's tell the folks who helps us put this show on every Thursday night. Nights. Okay, our writing staff is headed by Eddie Foreman, with Paul Collins, Pat Costello, Martin Ragway, and Leonard Stern. And our producers, Charles Vander. Good night, folks. Good night to everybody in Tennessee. Good night! Listen, it's Thursday night, and it's time for another great Abbott and Costello show, for those who transcribe in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.