 Hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAson.com and I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic, guys, will make more effort and invest in you when you do this. Alright, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, these are my weekend videos I shoot on my balcony. Very similar to the videos I shoot in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis for a nominal fee. And based on the questions you post in the group, I shoot personalized videos just for you. So check out the link below to my VIP group. Alright, we're going to talk about what's it going to take for a guy to make more effort and invest in you. Because wouldn't it be great if everybody made more effort and invested in each other? Yes, and yet here's the reality of what we're faced in, is that the dating process is truly a mess out there. It is a mess out there. Ever since the invention of the swipe dating apps, it has marginalized people and to a point of just being a commodity for the most part. And we're all addicted to, not most of us are addicted to our devices, and yet and so and also many people are addicted to the perception of choice that we have that we didn't otherwise have prior to the internet. I want you to look back in time. Let's go back to cave mandates. A lot of people like to talk about how instinctually men are provider protectors and women are gatherers and nurturers and let's go back to cave mandates or cave people days. Was there any dating during cave people days? Was there any courtship back in those days? No. Basically, you know, when two people grunted with each other, they mated with each other and if they produced a child, they hopefully took care of that child. And for the most part back in cave man, cave people days, it was more tribe based. In other words, people lived in tribes with one another. So there was no dating. As we fast forward a little bit throughout history and maybe we'll go to Roman times or whatnot, you know, there were the wealthy people and the poor people. And wealthy people didn't date. They basically were betrothed to people. They were basically forced to marry people to combine wealth. And the poor people had to, there was no dating for poor people. You basically produced children so you could have someone take care of you as you got older. Although that was problematic too because you had to feed your children as well. So there was no dating then. But we fast forward a little bit throughout history and to maybe, you know, England and France and whatnot. There was a little bit, you know, there was, again, there was the noble people and the poor people and noble people for the most part had to mate to combine wealth. There maybe was some possibility of love involved. And certainly poor people, they basically had to take care of one another just to protect their tribe, if you will, their village, if you want not. So there wasn't any dating then. Let's fast forward a little bit further into now the United States in the 20s and 30s, 1920s, 30s and 40s. Well, for the most part, dating then was if two people liked each other, two people liked each other and they wanted to have sex, they basically got married in a very short period of time. And that period of courtship couldn't have only last a few weeks or a few months at most. Now, this isn't true for all, but this was true for many up until around the 60s. And keep in mind, as I shared all these timelines in history, for the most part, when you mated with someone, when you were with someone, they were part of your tribe, part of your village, part of your town. Most likely, you shared the same values, your lifestyles were blendable. You weren't strangers to one another for the most part. You knew each other's family. Their family knew you. You knew each other's friends. There was this safety net around you of familiarity, which made it very comfortable to get to know someone. It made it very safe to get to know someone. And now let's fast forward into the internet age with first it was online dating with our laptops and our PCs and whatnot, or for those Macs out there. And then certainly now with our smartphones. And these days, we're meeting total strangers, we're meeting strangers with one another. And what's happening is the dating process hyper focuses on romance and chemistry as the indicator of relationship success. Repeat that the current process hyper focuses on romance. There is such this grand expectation of romance to prove one's worth buying, you know, you know, planning dates, paying for dates, buying flowers, buying candy, not that people are doing that in the first stages of dating, but there's just this grand expectation to be swept off your feet. And there's a lot of rhetoric out there that encourages women to lean back in their feminine energy because that guy is going to claim you. Now, once you think about this for a moment, how can a man claim a total stranger? How can we actually claim I mean, other than our desire for sex? Okay, and let's face it, the dating I mean, most men are hyper focused on sex, because many men believe sex leads to love on an unconscious level. I'm not saying men think of this on a conscious level, they think of it on from an unconscious level, that if we have this amazing chemistry, it will lead to love. And yet how many people, you know, in the last couple of decades have experienced amazing chemistry and the relationship went nowhere, where they experienced amazing chemistry, but they couldn't make it work because there was so much friction between the two of them. This is why if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I'm going to show this. And I want you to see above the water line is the word attraction. And you can see the word chemistry is at the tip of the iceberg. And yet below the water before below the water line is compatibility with shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And sadly, most humans have weak emotional skills, they have weak emotional skills and weak relationship skills. And this is why it's increasingly harder. And I want you to understand something this is true for everyone is facing this this is the challenge. And so why am I drawing attention to this? Before I get into what makes a man make effort and whatnot. It's because it's time to understand that the fantasy way of dating that the romantic comedies that whether not that people are stuck on Disney movies anymore, but certainly romantic comedies make it seem like it's just so effortless and easy, you know, and you'll just magically fall in love. And if you if you have enough effort with one another, you'll just magically fall in love. And yet it's very difficult to actually form a relationship with someone who doesn't share your values, your lifestyles aren't blendable with one another. And most importantly, does this person I'm with and this is men and women like this person I'm with actually have the skills to communicate in a way that can be seen heard and understood in a safe way. Now, I'm talking about folks who genuinely want to be in a partnership with one someone and not from a place of dependency or codependency. I won't repeat that if you if a person is coming from a need of dependency, especially from financial needs, they're going to operate differently. And yet one of the differences now versus throughout history is women were predominantly dependent dependent on men financially. And that's why looking back to the past, it's important to recognize that this is where we were to understand where we are today. And thankfully women aren't as dependent upon men financially. That's a real blessing on so many levels. And because of that now choice comes into play, you ladies now have the choice of who they want to meet with, just like men have the choice of who they want to meet with. And what sadly lacking today is a level of intentionality in the dating process, a level of, of, of really understanding is why are we doing this? Why are we dating with one another? Why are we doing this? Do we want an outcome? Or is it just a good time? And I got to tell you this a significant percentage of men and women are just in it for the good time, hoping that magic fairy dust will turn this into something. And magic fairy dust doesn't work. This is why I repeatedly and repeatedly encourage everyone to read the book, eight dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, eight dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman because this is the teaches you the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. And this becomes the precursor to what's actually going to shift this fledgling relationship into something where a man and woman want to make more effort and invest. And what it's going to take for someone to make more effort and to invest in a relationship is a sense of emotional safety. I'm going to repeat that a sense of emotional safety. We all understand that people, you know, are hyper focused on their physical world safety, their baseline selfie or their bills paid, you know, do they have a profession that provides them income, that sort of thing. And yet for someone to actually want to make more effort into the relationship, it requires emotional safety. And that's what's sorely lacking when the dating process is hyper focused on romance, and not the understanding of, does this person share the same values with me because if two people don't share the same values, there's going to be lots of friction. In addition, if your lifestyles are incompatible with one another, and this is especially true for those people that buy into the long distance fantasy. Listen, it's going to be very problematic. It's problematic when two people live around the corner to blend lives with one another, depending on how their lifestyles are, let alone from distance. And then coming back to that emotional maturity piece and part of the reason why people are lacking emotional maturity is they don't genuinely love on themselves. This is why I wrote a book called What the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? It's a journey of personal development, self health and spiritual work. By the way, there's a link below to get my book to help prepare you for the challenges in life. And as I'm looking at the camera right now, I see my t-shirt my t-shirt says my opinion offend you. You should hear what I keep to myself. And why I'm wearing this is that self love is like a vaccination to emotional chaos. Self love is like, I'm going to use the word shield from all the garbage, the noise, the rhetoric and the opinions of others who have opinions of you. Because guess what? The most important opinion matters is the opinion you have of yourself. Okay, I went off on a tangent there. By the way, my coffee mug says sometimes you forget you're awesome. So this is your reminder. So coming back to men making efforts, folks, I'm here to encourage a different way of dating. I'm a contrarian, I'm here to offer a contrary to public opinion way of dating. And that is to begin the process being radically honest with one another, right from the get go by asking better questions right to the right from the get go to determine does this person share the same values with me? Is this person's lifestyle going to fit into mind and actually asking the tougher questions to determine is this person an emotional grown up to be in relationship? And I got to tell you, if you're not ladies, and I know this is frustrating to many of you because you would just love for men to know this. But here's the thing. What's the number one search term for most women? Why are men commitment phobic? Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? Ladies, you're studying this way more than men. This is why I'm encouraging not to expect men to be the leaders of the relationship because you are in charge of your relationship, destiny, not the man. And how you're going to shift the narrative is leading by example lead by being an emotional grown up, having your actions match your words operating from victor consciousness, not victim consciousness. Knowing how to actively listen to a person and knowing about what's called fighting fair, which means you listen to the person's other person's point of view, you validate their point of view, and you accept their point of view is being true for them. And by the way, both people should be doing this. And then empathy and empathy isn't just I can feel your feelings, empathy is I care about your feelings. And more importantly, I care about my own feelings because they matter just as much in this process. And lastly, transparency, transparency means if it's material to relationship, then speak up. And when two people begin the early stages of dating, not from a romance based perspective, from a heart based perspective of actually getting to know one another from more of a heart centered space, they actually experience that level of emotional safety. And this is why I continually recommend the book. If the Buddha dated, I'm going to show everyone if the Buddha dated the Buddha dated and why because it throws out the stupid gender rhetoric that's setting up the relationship dynamic for failure. When we say men have to do this and women have to do that, you're already setting up for failure, instead of coming at it from a heart centered space. And guess what? Men, let me just say this. Emotionally dysfunctional men, they need to do personal development work, self help and spiritual work to even have a chance at a healthy, happy relationship. I'm talking about if you're actually talking to a man who's done personal development work, who's gone to therapy, who's done workshops, what he's genuinely craving in relationship is emotional safety. Just like and by the way, you are as well. And we can't build emotional safety through romance and chemistry. It is built by being radically honest with one another, by being intimate with one another. And I don't mean you know, sexual intimacy. I mean, emotional intimacy into me you see, into me you see. So I'm going to recommend one more book. Before I log off today. And that's a book by Malcolm Gladwell called talking to strangers, talking to strangers, what we should know about the people we don't know. And why I'm recommending this book today, because I want to encourage everyone to recognize that when the current process is a mess because we don't feel safe with people. And when we don't feel safe, it makes it very difficult to actually bond with another person. And the only way we're going to get safe with someone is by talking to each other at a deeper level than the surface at a deeper level than the surface. And that's why I encourage everyone to be more radically honest in the early stage of dating by asking better questions. And if you want some support with that, check out the link to a free discovery call with me because my area of expertise is to help you determine true compatibility for you, creating questions based on your personality and your desires and asking better questions to determine if someone is emotionally mature. So check out the link below to schedule a free discovery call with me. Alright, I've covered a lot here. I know you have a lot you might want to say you might want to talk about the history of dating, you might want to lean into the what I believe is romance is not serving us in the dating process. And you might want to talk about the more important questions that I've invited everyone to look at is what's it going to take to create emotional safety and just remember, most men aren't thinking about this stuff, I do this for a living. I think about it day in, day out. Most men aren't. You're watching these videos. So I invite you to share this video with a male friend that you might be in relationship with. So ask him what he thinks of this. Have a dialogue, talk at a deeper level than the surface level. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Go beyond the surface, go below the waterline. Do you share the same values are our lifestyles blendable? And is this person emotionally safe to be with? And that's what I invite you all to lean into going forward because leaning back in your feminine energy. That ain't working. Lean into radical honesty. And that's my invitation for all of you. All right, I'd like to hear your thoughts and opinions. Please post a comment below if this resonated with you, you have something to add. If I miss something, please add it as well. I'm going to just as a reminder, I'm fumbling here. Check out the links to my discovery call my group, my book, follow me on Instagram, and we can connect there. Alright, I'm going to wrap up this videos I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love, because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye now.