 When you grow up one day your looks are going to fade and you will not be this beautiful anymore and your husband is going to cheat on you and leave you and all you're gonna be left with is your education and your brains. If you don't start working hard now you will have nothing when you're older. We are live here in studio with Violet Benson. You may know her from Daddy Issues account that I'm sure someone significant in your life shared one of her memes with you about. Her memes have ended some arguments between me and my fiance so that's how I found out about the account. First question we got to ask is what made you start a meme account? I was actually an accountant five years ago I was in public accounting so that's really tough and I really wanted to be a partner that was my goal I didn't even care for social media actually deleted all my social media platforms when my boyfriend I broke up because he was posting a lot of pictures with a new girl and it was raking my heart and I was like I fucking hate social media. I just deleted everything and I was just sort of looking at his stupid face so then I just pursued accounting and I would show up in the morning at 6 a.m. and I will leave at like 11 p.m. because they said if you want to become a partner or if you want to impress the boss you have to show up before he comes into work and leave after he leaves and that was my goal and I was just you know regular junior accountant that's what I was doing. Unfortunately the team that I was on the partner was sometimes maybe giving me special attention in a way because I was going after it like I would get on projects where I would work with the senior partner out with the senior managers and with the partners and anyone that works in public accounting they know that that's kind of impossible usually it's only yeah the highest you can work the highest people you can work with are managers are senior accountants or managers and I was getting on projects with senior managers and partners but that's because I've always been incredibly like motivated and that's just who I am as a person but anyway it starts upset some of the women on my team and they kind of start to isolate me and make my life a living hell to the point that I would like usually part of my morning routine would be to cry my car before I walk into work so I would like sit in my car cry by my day and then walk into work and I'm not kidding like they would not hate a hide their hate for me like I remember one day after I finished crying I went into the bathroom and I was I sat in the bathroom and give myself a little pep talk to go into work and then two women from my team walk in and they were having a conversation about me so I have to stay in the bathroom and they were just like having a conversation about how like annoying I am or something then they get out of the office then they got at the bathroom I'm kind of upset as I walk out one of them accidentally bumps into me and spills her coffee all over my shirt and then I have to go back in my car change I go back into work and then one of them is like Violetta you're late like we're gonna write that in your like notes or whatever so like that was kind of my experience was it feels funny now but it wasn't funny that we've talked about this on the show with some of our guests I feel like a lot of women actually tear other women down in those settings yeah and don't actually help support someone who's growing up or corporate environment yeah I would say for guys we mostly would say well fuck that guy I'm just gonna compete my ass off and right yeah it frustrates me and I feel like I've had these conversations before with other women or and I think maybe with my partners because it frustrates me when women tried to tear each other down the workplace just to make it further when in reality men would just laugh it off like you know high five each other and they keep working and that's one of the reasons actually the partner and I would work so well sometimes sometimes he would send me back some of my notes and I literally could cry in that moment he was like what the fuck is this are you serious with this shit like how wide I even hire you like that would be some of the notes and it was okay because that's public accounting it's painful I would look at it and I'd be like okay V finish this project you can cry later in the bathroom in two hours I would like schedule it I kept working through it we finished the project I cry about it then I go to my partner and I'm like hey this kind of I don't I didn't love this can we have a discussion like that was how I work that was my brain works with women in my job for my experience it's like you look at them one of the girls one of the manager I look at her the wrong way that's it for the next year she will not give me any projects I'm done and she's going to make sure my because with public accounting is you have to make a certain amount of hours a month and then they grade you and they rate you and you're basically so if you don't get enough hours every month eventually you get on probation and then you get fired so it's like really serious stuff so if the managers don't like me because some of the females don't like me they're gonna fuck up my hours and they fuck them hours they're gonna fuck up my promotion and they're gonna put me on probation I'm gonna get fired so it's not fun so anyway they're making my life kind of miserable and it got to the point that I started to get really really depressed and I started to get to I started to realize in my brain that I may never become a partner with how it's going so far because I'm not getting enough work and all the stuff and no one's hearing me when I'm getting upset so I was giving up and that's kind of where Instagram came about it was because somebody sent me some meme before of the Fat Jewish and I looked up his Instagram and I was like wow that's so cool how he gets to just post funny things that's so my sense of humor and it's just his sense of humor it's nothing to do with his looks because I forgot to mention one of the reasons some of the women in my work were not that kind to me had to also do with the way I looked so but it didn't matter how like I would even make sure my skirts were super long my clothes were loose I wore no makeup and it still would be some gossip about like why some of the men are nicer to me because I'm up because I happen to be a really tall blonde with double D triple D actually good for me but so standing up for the wrong reasons women were yeah but when I was younger I was actually really awkward looking so I find and people bullied me for the way I look because I wasn't cute and then I finally grow into my looks and now I'm being judged about the way I look versus my work ethic I'm from Russia I was raised in Israel and then we won the green card lottery moved to the US and my father always told my sister and I he said listen when you grow up one day your looks are going to fade and you will not be this beautiful anymore and your husband is going to cheat on you and leave you and all you're going to be left with is your education and your brains if you don't start working hard now you will have nothing when you're older and I feel like my sister and I stuck with us she's my sister works she's an attorney and a house attorney for a really big company I was in public accounting and just like who we are you know something right there that went and we've talked about this certainly with Warren Farrell as well the author of the boy crisis which that's sort of straight up fatherly advice only can come usually it can only come from that sort of place where it's like I'm about to say something it's probably going to hurt you that you're not going to like it but you need to hear it but you need to hear it and there and as even at that age it's it's such a simple truth that it cuts right through or even it's like I don't like what I just heard but I also know that what you just told me was honest it's reality and it's and it's those types of things that set in as lessons like that we carry with us through us throughout our lives I mean no I 100% agree although now my father looks back and he always regrets it and he's like oh the show was softer I wish because now because now looking you're too independent so he totally regrets it now but I mean my father was hands daddy issues he was very cold but he was very honest so meme account anyway yeah watching fat jewishers account I saw the fat jewish I was envious of the fact that he's able to just be himself without anyone judging him and that's kind of where daddy issues came from I never started daddy issues because I was like oh it's going to help me be famous I didn't even know you can make any type of revenue from Instagram so it was finally I made that's why I created an account called daddy issues I put no thought into the name I was like I have daddy issues pretty sure every girl in this world has daddy issues especially in LA if they don't have a daddy issues they have sugar daddy issues something like that so that's why I created it and then I just start to post memes because I feel like because I was already foreign I felt really like out of place I didn't fit in and then again in accounting I really want to fit in and like I didn't fit in so I think I was really lost and didn't know who I was so when I was starting to post these memes for fun it was just like me not being sure who I am and then because of my type of work ethic and the who I am as a person that I'm incredibly obsessive with things and I want to get somewhere it kind of started to be my my escape from reality so every night when I would finish work I would go home and for three hours I was like okay I'm gonna go to all to like two of my competitors let's say fuck Jerry and the fat Jewish I'm gonna go through a hundred of each one each one of theirs a hundred of their followers and I'm gonna like like two pictures and comment on one of the pictures okay I want celebrities to follow me how do I get a celebrity to follow me okay I'm gonna go to a celebrity I'm gonna figure out who their Kronko regular friends are I'm gonna go on that person's Instagram write some weird comment on their picture and hopefully eventually they're gonna tag their celebrity friend in one of my memes and like that's what happened with Joe Jonas after a few months he was my first celebrity to follow me because I you know saw his friend or I was like okay LA a lot of people are kind of followers I know a lot of these people I know what they're like they're like wannabes want to be cool but a lot of them are not super late to be honest no offense to all my friends um so I was like okay I'm going to because it was anonymous I was like I'm gonna follow like a group of friends and they're gonna end up talking among themselves like who daddy issues is because daddy issues is a persona that I created it was this girl that I really wanted to be she was really confident and like aware understanding of her sexuality and she had no problem like saying how things were and I was like she's so cool I literally created a whole persona where I wrote about her and about her life because I didn't think I was her so basically anyway these people in LA they would be like where are you daddy issues are you daddy issues and then they all follow it they'll talk about it I'm followed that group of people I go back next to the next like cool group of people and like that's how it became like the word of mouth and and then I started to like to look at comments of people who were tagging their friends and they'd be like oh my god her captions and I was like oh my caption it's like two words okay let me make you longer it's only it's like a full sentence oh they still like my captions it's longer then I'm seeing like engagement okay these posts are doing better so that means people want me to talk more about maybe female sexuality all right let me delete these I'm gonna post more like that so in in a way people don't get it they created me like daddy issues was created because of the fans not because I had this full on idea and elaborate plan I didn't know who I was and I didn't even think I was daddy issues so that's how how it was becoming popular because every night I've focused a lot on it and it was a lot of work behind it and I was doing it for my own self esteem because like I felt like I was nothing and like seeing people tag when I was watching girls tag their friends and my memes I was like oh my god like I'm not alone like other people feel this way too and then eventually I was starting to understand who I was and then to see that it was making other people feel better about themselves it was really cool so it was the first time and hearing your friends talk about this person when you were snickering inside like they're talking about me and don't know it how did that feel well one thing was funny when people in my firm I suddenly started to hear them talk about daddy issues including the girls who didn't like me and it was just like they would be like oh she's oh my god this girl's so funny blah blah and I was like oh my god like how can you like her but not me that is me are you kidding me like I am her I knew you could like me you know but like it's crazy it's like sometimes you want something so bad that you're not seeing anything else and it's so funny how eventually like when you are able to find yourself or whatever you realize like who gives a shit and I got to this one point that was something when I finally start to understand who I was because literally the fans helped me become daddy issues and I started to become more daddy issues suddenly I didn't care anymore for these girls to like me or whatever and men sometimes can be so stupid no offense but this goes into relationships too my partner the whole time I was complaining to my the partner that was my mentor and I have issues he wasn't fully hearing me and I kept saying eventually like this I'm gonna have to leave like if like I can't do this after a while and he was just like just be patient be patient so I feel like he wasn't hearing me and my motion eventually when I gave up is when I stopped caring and that meant I was like probably between some of my last month my last month's there because I was gonna leave that's when he was like wow violetta I've noticed you you stop complaining blah blah like that I'm really happy that you finally got through it and everything's going well like I'm so happy we can move forward and you finally don't care anymore and I was just like men like so that literally goes into relationships people don't understand when women are constantly arguing with you about some things because they care about the relationship when they stop arguing is when you should be worried it was the same thing with my partner that's that should have been a like a red flag for him if I don't care anymore about this job if I don't care to argue anymore that means I don't care about the job and yeah that's what happened I I they literally and eventually couldn't fire me because there were so many issues with HR with the women because I had some one time this girl one manager from different branch like yelled at me I mean when I tell you it was bad like one girl from one another branch took me in a room when she was like I heard you went to the partner and you complained and she goes violet this is like high school you're freshman we're seniors and we're we're gonna bully you you need to fucking take it okay you don't go to the principal and you don't complain and I was like but that's what I would do at school what do you mean she goes well you don't do it here who do you think you are and she was like this tiny little girl that I could literally just flick with my finger and I just had to stand there and listen to her because I was like how absurd is this like how how insecure are you in yourself and how like how miserable are you that this is what's bringing you joy to like yell at me and I was just listening and thankfully an HR person walked by and they heard the yelling and she got suspended for that and anyway because of that and other things HR that was involved with HR they literally couldn't fire me so that's what was so funny even if I was on probation with my hours no one could fire me because I could sue the company one like one manager to told me that I should get on medication because I was too outgoing in the office and I believed them because at that point I really wanted to like me and I got on Adderall that's one of the reasons I'm selling Adderall I've been on Adderall for five years now because I'm addicted to it so obviously starting an anonymous account you have to make a decision to out yourself and what went into that decision to step out front of that account and be like hey it's me letting your friends family co-workers know well I think I've only been quote unquote out the past three years and have had that count for five years I think it got to the point where I finally felt so hey I quit my job so I'm finally full on daddy issues I incorporated myself that same week because I used to be an accountant um and then I think slowly I'm when I kept posting it didn't feel like it was my alter ego like it didn't feel like this cool girl you know it started to feel like it was me and then when it started to feel like it was me I was so happy and like to finally know who I was it was like the first time my whole life that I felt like I had like a purpose and like I knew who I was so I really wanted to tell everyone like it was a no-brainer and I and I thought it was a good idea to put my face to the brand and I think I'm not gonna lie like I start to get jealous when people start to say it was them because I was like no it's like you don't have my sense of humor it's me right so taking ownership was a part of it exactly so then I um I what happened was basically the first um network or article whatever to ever write about daddy issues that really helped me stand out was MTV so because of that I kind of stayed loyal to that and I reached out to MTV and I was like hey I'm going to reveal who I am can we do uh can you write about it right and that's kind of how it happened and honestly if this happened now no one would give a shit because meme accounts are so saturated but back then I managed to grow so quickly and I am like a consider an og account I'm like an og meme account one of the biggest ones even though I I've only been doing I've been doing this less time than the other promo og accounts where people don't get that don't know so just walk us through obviously the pushback because we're kind of talking about this before the show you know you are struggling to build this confidence and as you melded of course people are seeing your account your past posts and now they're judging you off of it you had this anonymity before you were not that person and now you're walking around and everyone knows oh you're the one that posted that meme yeah I feel like annoying thing that suddenly I did I feel like I did have to make things a little less sexual at one point when I first revealed my face like some of the sexual jokes I was making before I couldn't make it or at first some people a lot of people were upset that I wasn't I got a lot of positive feedback when I quote unquote came out but a lot of other girls were upset that I wasn't their nationality right what they thought they had an image of me or I wasn't a lot of people were upset that I wasn't fatter for some reason that was like a big thing they said that I wasn't heavier or uglier and I understand I like I literally understand because they I I think one of the main reasons it was so important for me to be anonymous was because I was so sick of everyone constantly focusing on my looks whether it was too ugly or too pretty now and that's why when I found this meme account it was just on who I am as a person trying to find myself and that's what people fell in love with and that's kind of the same thing after they saw my face you had no choice but now to fall in love with me like you had no choice but to love me now and my face because you already fall in love with who I am as a person because a lot of times we tend to judge people by the cover or whatever so but yeah it was hard with people judging me with like the sexual stuff but I got over it well for for social media what I've been able to notice is the stronger you're able to capture what other people are feeling the more they're going to share those images and those tweets and everything and then for you to be able to do that to touch them in such a place of course they're going to want to know more who is this person that makes me feel this way and if you're speaking and empowering other women and lifting them up or letting them know that they're not alone of course they're going to want to know more and it's it's interesting to me that that you were able to hold it off for as long as you did and it probably definitely played into your your favor I think so too yeah yeah let's talk about the dating side because obviously it's got to be pretty intimidating for some guys to see all these daddy issue memes flying around and know that you're the one behind them yeah it's funny I feel like daddy issues definitely hindered my dating life for sure um that it's but it's I think it's always been like that like sometimes the more successful you are the the harder it is to date but just like a it was hard to I feel like it was hard to date because it's intimidating to guys when I'm sometimes not that I'm making fun of guys but I'm making fun of sex stuff or stocking or whatever so sometimes a you can't tell if I'm are you as crazy as the means on daddy issues and or like all right that's the thing I mean for us guys we were laughing about this earlier and as I was saying at the start of the show we sort of encounter it when a female woman shares it with us like I'm not regularly following it but then it'll get passed to me my fiance's past me memes her friends are sharing memes so I'm seeing like a small snapshot and typically those are the more like raunchy the more out there the more crazy so you have this whole catalog of your thoughts and feelings fully documented out there in the world that anyone can play the gacha game with no I feel like my biggest issue with dating was the first when I first came out was being overly sexually explicit and all that like a I started to feel unsafe to be honest because a lot of stuff was so sexual at one point when I was posting that I didn't feel safe anymore to post anything that sexual because I didn't want meant to think like oh she's asking for this then exactly like oh she loves to get drunk and then she loves to like have a no whatever it's like nope don't not like I remember one time at a party because because at one point I was dropping hints of who I was before I came out so like I had these sneakers that it said daddy issues on them and like very tight fans who watched me on snapchat will be able to tell by like my nail color or like my sneakers and remember one time so some people would sometimes figure it out it was really cool for them like usually females remember one time I was at a party that I was anonymously hosting don't even ask and someone a guy noticed my shoes I didn't know that he noticed my shoes but like I started to notice there was a guy following me like every room his guy keeps going and like it starts to get darker and I'm alone in this party and then his friends show up and then him and his friends are following me now and now it's like really late and I want to go to my car but like I'm starting it got to the point they're following me and I turn on and go why the fuck do you keep following me and you're just like oh oh my god I'm I'm I'm so sorry just are you daddy issues and I was like yeah and I'm like oh my god can't you just be normal and just ask me like I thought you guys were gonna rape me and gangbang me like are you kidding me like you're like you understand how unsafe you guys made me feel like I'm a girl alone at a party and you guys are like six guys following me yeah I literally thought I was gonna get raped and he was just like huge fans and they were that's so funny and they were like they couldn't even speak when they saw me and I was just like damn okay so they were intimidated yeah so at first it was hard to date because people I think guys sometimes thought I was like as crazy as my mean accounts or as sexual all that like I'm not a quote-quote good girl or or whatever I'm looking for or they want to tell their friends that they hung out with me versus actually they just want the characteristics to get to know me then I finally was like okay I'm gonna rebrand myself now I have Viola Benson which is me as a person and separate so Viola Benson is more PG-13 and it's more about helping women empowering them it's not about like being whatever daddy issues is I thought that would help me and now men are and I have a problem with dating because men are intimidated because I'm successful so I was like damn I can't win like what do you want for me so with the the different accounts and the different personalities do you find yourself very fluid between them all or is one more of this is my sense of humor am I out there and Viola Benson is me as the person or is it all sort of back and forth I mean I think that part is definitely hard because I feel like at one point I start to lose myself in daddy issues I would imagine so and I do remember at one point sometimes I if I wasn't an argument with some with someone or I say something crude to someone a text because that's how daddy issues would act because sometimes she's it's funny to me and I would laugh after it and then I started to notice that people were not reacting like it's funny they're like what like what the f is your problem right on a meme that's funny yeah and I had the process in my brain like oh it's not funny to be like sometimes toxic or emotionally abusive like okay and I had to kind of separate myself because I was like shit I'm too dumb I'm too daddy issues like I don't even know who I am and a lot of people get lost in whatever internet characters they play because it's like it's literally like I'm playing in a movie and eventually like actors that happen to them where they get lost in there whatever they're playing and the fans are expecting certain persona from you that you have to live up to no yes it got to the point that sometimes when I would meet people my brain automatically be like okay who did they want me to be so I didn't know how to act I was just do you think if you were in a happy healthy relationship right now and you're just posting about how much you were in love that your fans would be upset or would they be happy no I think I think my fans actually want me to finally get in a relationship like I think because because my fans are growing with me so a lot of them are probably like already in relationships now or soon gonna have kids or whatever like I I'm not gonna like I can't wait to get pregnant I'll just be putting it out there not today yeah it's not happening on the show but like next year like yeah I definitely that's in my thoughts and I know I will continuously rebrand myself but um and then if I'm making jokes then it'll be jokes about dating then it's jokes of being a parent like it's okay if I'm gonna lose some followers yeah yeah I'm not gonna do memes for the rest of my life I don't know well not just memes but that that tone of well my brand already involved when I started Viola Benson like my second my secondary Instagram which was like the past year year and a half and then I started my podcast my podcast is literally everyone some people were disappointed because it wasn't always about sex it was it's literally about like how to deal like how to heal like steps to get through depression or like how to get over a boy like how to heal yourself like how to love yourself it's more like things like that let's talk about that because we have some listener questions to get through and we actually got a question here now this is a question from Steve but he's asking exactly that long-time listener and fan I listen to your show and I think it's amazing my question is about confidence but also dating after investing so much time and effort into one girl I was pursuing only to be let on and hurt how can I move on I haven't been in touch and don't plan on reconnecting but I want to learn how to move on and become a better me for tomorrow what would you do or how would you go about it well I can totally relate to this his name is Steve yeah well Steve I can totally relate to this I feel like I always lose myself in a person when I'm dating them and then I always feel so disappointed let down when I when it's when it's over and I always and it's completely normal to think okay what did I do wrong and you completely lose yourself so then you suddenly don't even know who you are and that's usually when you have to go back to being yourself so a I think you have to accept the fact that it's over and you have to accept the fact that you didn't do anything wrong you you guys were just not right for each other and eventually you're gonna look back and you're gonna realize that this girl probably didn't deserve you especially he said that he felt like he did everything that he could so I think once he stops blaming himself why didn't work out and takes off a pedestal because he obviously put up on a pedestal he'll realize that like there's so many other people out there and working on himself means that he's not gonna be stalking her and that he's going to continue to be like a positive person he's gonna attract that energy and he's gonna eventually when he feels ready find people that are right for him and they're gonna play just as much effort but actually it's funny because yesterday I was giving advice to my podcast it was like it's a dating it's an advice episode solo episode and that was one of the and that was like a similar question and I was saying this one girl said well um the past five guys that I tried to date they all ended up being like I don't know if she said toxic or they all end up ghosting me blah blah blah like it's like why is it so hard to date and I go well honestly maybe it's you not in a way that she's doing something wrong but in a way you're attracting the wrong people because now it's becoming a pattern so after a while you have to open your eyes and like okay well if every person I'm attracting is toxic or like every person I'm attracting will always leaves me and doesn't love me maybe I'm attracting these people because there's something in me that I'm not seeing so like for example last year I was dating younger guys and I realized that was probably because I didn't feel ready for relationships so then I was going for younger guys because I think in the back of my head I knew it wouldn't be anything serious so I think once you look inside yourself and you understand who you are and why you're looking for the specific people you're looking for and you work on yourself then you're gonna attract like a healthy person once you're healthy healthy people attract healthy people and I think being reflective is incredibly valuable in this situation but not exactly that giving this one person so much power it's a pattern when it's five or six oh yeah but one person doesn't really say that much about you creating some space we love recommending travel just going on a trip getting out of that environment getting away from the stimulus that makes you think of that person and you're already on the right path because you're looking to become better and that's how you're going to find that better person by working on yourself so I think he's already halfway there we have one here from well I just want to add to that the other the other point to that that needs to be discussed is the time it takes to get over someone there's a healing process that you cannot rush you can't skip over you can't drink your way through it we'd like to think we can but it doesn't happen that way and as as smart as we like to think we are when it comes to our own human behaviors and patterns they need to run their course and you're not going to be able to do anything about it and so it's a healing process and you have to be patient but one day you're going to wake up and you're going to be smiling and no I agree that's so true I remember with my first boyfriend I literally thought I was dying because he took my virginity and you know like I love him like he was he's the one because I mean he was inside of me like this is it like we're together forever and then every night before I went to sleep I first I kept saying I'm going to get over his name was John I hate that I'm just made up his name was John I was like I'm going to get over John I'm going and every night when I went to sleep I said that and then I started to say I'm over John and then one day I woke up and I was over John but like every night I kept telling that to myself so I agree with you that healing is important it's okay to hold on what's your sign I'm Scorpio I told you I was traveling I was like oh is he a Secretary or something well I yeah I don't know if you were texting last week but I was hitting you up I was like oh you're scared about being a Scorpio Mike there's gonna be three of us in a room next week so now that we've we've talked about signs we have a question here my dad's a Scorpio from Amos he asks how can I be courageous and face anyone without trembling or sweating how can I get that strong confidence and of course when we talk about nerves and energy and part of this it's due to lack of experience so the easiest way and often the hardest way to start overcoming this is to get more experience talking to people whether it's being trembling or sweating with complete strangers on the street at Starbucks or CVS working through it then is a lot easier than at a job interview or on a first date etc how have you felt obviously you've been bullied you've been around some people that have been intimidating how have you handled that building up some courage in yourself it's actually funny that you asked because I have a method I had a method for that well a when it comes when the whole thing with like my past of being bullying all that I think to have the best point of view in life is to never view yourself as a victim so like I've been cheated on I've been I've been bullied as my third country that I'm living in but I never view myself as like poor me that's a but when it comes to gaining confidence um it's something that I I worked on over the years and I started to do that I started this in high school where I started showing up to parties by myself and it was because I was so at constantly had anxiety just talking to people and it was a thought of like I didn't have a safety net which were my friends so I would start showing up to parties by myself not knowing who's there and then it would force me to either talk to new people until my friends show up or like talking to my friends and talking to other people and it become all to the point that it's a habit now my friend Ricky Thompson just went on my podcast it'll actually be up today but whatever but on the like he literally made a joke because he's a youtuber and he was like yeah dude what's up with that you're like literally the only creator I know that shows up to events on on her own like I love that about you but it's like why do you do that and it's a habit that continued so even events now I show up by myself but I'm giving this advice before where one thing that you have to realize is that everyone else is just as secure as you are so once I process that in my brain that everyone else is just as secure as me everyone else is just as self-absorbed as me so they're not even thinking about me they're thinking about themselves and that take I take away the power from these people and now that I know my brain they're just they're just as uncool as me nothing else matters and that's why I can go to parties and I can just talk to people it happened before this one girl I was really intimidated by her because she started dating this guy that I just updating she didn't know that she was dating a guy that I just dated I saw her and my heart dropped and I was like of course she's so much prettier than me she's so skinny like she's so beautiful like I'm so jealous and I was like okay be like don't become obsessive like go with the flow I worked the room I talked to everyone at the party I was like the life of the party I even talked to her and her friend and then the end of the night her and her friend came up to me and they were like can we just tell you like we think you're so cool like how do you just talk to people like that like how are you just like you just like talk to everyone it's so cool how confident you are and I was just like that's so funny to hear that coming from you because I was so jealous like I didn't tell her obviously that's what the podcast is about and this is a skill what we're talking about is developing a skill and typically it's due to a lack of experience so whenever we're doing something for the first time it's going to feel strange our nerves are going to get the best of us we may be trembling or sweating a little bit but like you going to those parties alone over time now you know oh I can flip on this switch I can work the room and what do you know the person that was intimidating actually comes up to you and says you're cool yeah or like you know sometimes have pep talk with yourself in the mirror like it's actually weird but sometimes if I feel down you just have or you write down things you like about yourself it's incredibly uncomfortable and it's kind of like what the f like I'm not going to do that it's so stupid it's actually not and if you look at yourself in the mirror and you tell yourself things you like about yourself it gets really uncomfortable but it makes you feel better well then you're focusing on the right things right yeah because our mind is so powerful and if we are just focusing on the negative or our external feelings or even worse what other people are thinking yeah then we give away all of our power and I've approached people before that were just not friendly at all and I was like all right never mind and of course it makes me a little uncomfortable but like I keep going because who gives a shit I'm going to forget about them tomorrow like why would I create such a big scenario in my brain about these people I don't care about them and yeah it's just I mean it does take skill and you do have to feel good about about yourself inside I've had days that I didn't feel good about myself when I go to a party I don't want to talk to anyone because I feel small well that's okay all the bad times tend to stick out because it hurts us and it puts us in a place where we don't want that to happen again yeah and so those just stick out when the data shows that obviously more of our interactions go really well but we just don't see them the way we remember the the bad ones that would go now this one I'm interested to get your take on because I feel like with your profile and the fact that people were stalking you over your shoes and trying to figure out how you are and now want you in their lives as their bestie and chase after your attention this is a question from Simone she has I often get the advice that I should get to know more people but what does that mean exactly and how can you tell if you truly know a person how much and what kind of information do you need to know about them before you could say that you know someone now I'm interested in your take because I do feel like obviously with the popularity of your Instagram and people feeling like you know them and you've been sharing your deepest secrets with the public they come up to you and they're like oh we're just naturally besties you you speak my language you read my mind how trusting are you with people in your life and how do you know when you can trust someone as a friend and that you know them and you can count on them I mean I guess you never really know to be honest but you start to have I mean in this industry you start to have a radar after a while so you kind of can tell who wants to use you and who doesn't and a lot of times I feel like it does make me then but I mean she's not talking about this type of industry because for me like I end up isolating myself a lot of the time and end up making friends with people who do what I do because we understand each other better how do you how do you build that radar to know that people are in it for the right reasons want to get to know you versus I mean obviously getting my heart broken a million times by dating people and by friendships but eventually you just start to notice whether it's like you hang out with someone for the second or third time and someone they're like how come daddy issues doesn't follow me or like um oh my god like I just I let me run this cool business idea by you really quick like you think you can you can think you can shout it out one of these days or well it's like things like that and you're like okay so it's I feel I would say it's really obvious and after a while it's I think my radar gets bigger to the point and now I'm like oh you're struggling artists I'll see you later like I already know my brain what's about to happen or like oh you just started a meme account okay cool I'll see you later like I'm not stupid right I but I'm really I like people in New York really straightforward like that's why I love them New Yorkers and I have I've met people before they were like hey I would love if you did this for me but here's what I can do for you and I'm be like okay like let's talk because then it's like okay you're being up straight up yeah yeah but I feel in general when you're living your life online it's so easy for people to feel like they know you on a much deeper level then let's be honest you're not following their account you don't know them so I'm sure there are people who are like oh I I know daddy issues I've been following you for four years like I like all of your posts and I say thank you but I'm not like do you want to come over do you need to do all my address do you want to come over but I've always been it always takes me a while to become friends with people in general so it's nothing to do whether or not they are followers or not right I a lot of times if you ask some of my friends I can come off not standoffish but I'm indifferent it takes me a while like I feel like I have to be around someone like a few times nowadays maybe I'm jaded but literally takes me like a few times to be around someone to suddenly get friendly and be like okay like let's hang out unless we click some people you just click with and you're like I absolutely love you and you just become friends right away right in those moments it's so the question I feel that she's asking here is how do you know when to trust that this person actually cares about you for the right reasons and it seems like you've built up a bit of a radar for that obviously the transactional stuff and in the account intuition I mean you can just feel it you like if there's a weird feeling you think something's off like you're most likely right a hundred percent of the time and it has to do with your intuition but also scientifically speaking you need five good interactions for every bad one that's another way for you to know if you have a good relationship or friendship so you have to have five good interactions so if you're suddenly feeling this person's using you or they're doing this that means your boundaries you didn't you didn't discuss your boundaries you're unaware of where you guys stand and that's not good so yeah five good interactions for every bad one so you're you're giving people six strikes um no it has to be five good ones so if they suddenly two bad ones that's a red flag so if if you have one interaction goes pretty well second interaction not so well interaction I mean even the text like every time you communicate to whatever got it that person makes you feel good but if suddenly it's like every time someone suddenly hitting you up and you feel like oh god I'm getting a text from this person we're like oh god I don't want to say right well no one wants that feeling and I think Simone doesn't want that feeling either um but like I don't even know who I am like I don't like it's like she's like how do you really know when you know someone like girl I don't even know who I am as a person I'm still figuring out so I don't really know yeah I don't think there's a scientific answer to it I think trusting your gut definitely starting to understand that we need to be more curious about others we'll open the door to getting to know each other more I think a lot of us are thinking about that meme we liked we're in our head we're focused on ourselves we're not paying attention listening and engaged in conversation with the other person so it's tough to get to know someone find something if you have something in common with that person usually like a mutual hobby or something you like and also research found which is I don't like this this fact but research found that usually nothing but one thing that brings people together is a mutual discuss or hate for someone or something else there's that dating app all about what you hate well they're that and at any time that you're trying to rally the troops so to speak you want to find something that everyone that that is common that those common enemy with people fears yeah but I don't really like gossip so usually if someone comes to me about someone they hate like I'm the most annoying person because I'm like do you hate them or do you hate something inside yourself let's talk about that and then they're like I hate you like I'm leaving never gossiping with you for me the way I've always seen it is you might be able to to link up and find some commonalities and things that you don't like together but you want to parlay that and the two positive things right then you're just meeting up and just talking badly about that one person that's not gonna help I think in general when people start talking openly about their own insecurities you start to feel like walls come down they're getting more comfortable with you you're getting to know someone I think so many of us and we laughed about this earlier with the social media generation we're all looking at everyone's highlight reel we're all feeling the insecurities your account blew up because you're vocalizing the insecurities and everyone's feeling these insecurities but a lot of us we go on social media and and we feel like we're the only ones with these insecurities and feeling down on ourselves so when I'm around someone who admits about a business struggle or admits a personal issue that they're dealing with or maybe their relationship they're having an issue I'm like okay this person's trying to build a stronger relationship with me they're getting vulnerable they're being honest with me the one thing I want to add there too is we would all like to think we know somebody before jumping into a relationship with somebody however part of that is the vulnerability and risk that you're putting up and getting with that person which should be even equal on for both parties to get into that relationship you're supposed to both be wagering something vulnerability wise and of course the first few times you hang out with anyone you're not going to truly know them everyone's guard is up everyone is trying to put off a great first impression and make people like them but as they start to be more honest be more vulnerable you start to feel like you know someone deeper yeah I think that's really true I feel like I've like I make friends pretty easily to be honest and then I'll hang out with them usually when it's 101 and right after that one time I know if I'm going to be friends with them or not yeah I like to think we're all just sharing marketing materials now like here's my social media check it out let me know what you think here's my brand yeah exactly that's funny yeah check out all my socials let me know what you think and then call me all right next question is from Tamara she asked I'm a woman in my 20s I used to be pretty shy but I've gotten out of my shell since college I've been studying and practicing confidence and charisma for a while but still I find myself being timid in conversation when talking to dominant or demeaning personalities for example bosses as well as really confident and attractive men it's hard to talk loud enough and speak with conviction any advice well are you trying to are you yelling enough make sure to do that okay start shouting at them that works um well it's funny she seems adorable but like it's again it's something that some people are just more have more of a charisma and a more charming and they're just born with it and or like you can learn it but like you have to practice it so it seems like she's like been studying it and then she's like why isn't it working because it's not a test it's real life like you have to actually feel confident to be confident you can't just read about how to be confident so I think she is still in the process to get there but um when it comes with a attractive men are the most insecure that's like that's one thing she has to remember they don't know how to talk to women because they never had to talk to women their whole life women come to them and so it's like she just has she needs to let that go because they're just as insecure and if she just compliments her eyes or something they'll fall in love with her probably and then when it comes to demeaning people those people just suck in general so there's no real practice to deal with those people I think I've learned over the years that there's nothing my dad told me before like you can't teach a pig a new trick so like a pig to be something else or whatever I forgot what he said but it's so it's like don't argue with that person I think I've learned now that when someone's demeaning to me I know in my heart that's nothing to do with me has to do with them because they feel small and you just have to be quiet and try to avoid that person yeah and the the flip side is why are you trying to win over someone who's demeaning right so because she probably has daddy issues so she needs to check out the account but I understand like sometimes you just really want certain people to like you and I've had that before when someone's kind of demeaning and I just want them to think I'm smart or whatever and eventually I'm like you know what who cares it's not worth it and when it comes to bosses that part like my sister who's she's so she's like a fire sign and she is so like forward and yet with her bosses she's always been fearful to to tell them how she feels about certain things and one of my partners taught me before that stuck with me he said that um if you want something you'll never get it unless you ask and that always stuck with me and it's really true like when I even like for example if you want a promotion or you want to raise most likely because we're so in our heads we think like oh I must not be doing a good job that's why I haven't got a raise no it's because they're just not thinking about you at all not right you're not on the radar you have to get on the radar and even if it's embarrassing even if you hate it you have to hold in those insecurities you have to approach that person say what you think if you're feeling comfortable to be verbal email your boss to tell him what you want and then it opens a conversation like I've had that with my partner in my public accounting firm where I wanted to raise I didn't get it that day or I think of promotion I didn't get it that day but now he knew oh I didn't know you were interested in that okay let's let's have a conversation let's figure out like how you can get there one of the things we talk a lot about on the show and it's a little difficult to demonstrate on audio is just changing your body language and your positioning with someone who's dominant who's demeaning who's aggressive so it's a difference between us directly facing each other versus us standing next to each other side by side so if you're in a situation like we are here in studio being on the same side of the table as someone is going to alleviate that dominant pressure and that aggression moving next to that person shoulder to shoulder so you're both facing the same direction it's going to remove that tension that you're feeling because what she's saying is I'm feeling timid in conversation around these certain types of people and I would say pay attention to your body language what are you doing are you closing your arms are you making yourself smaller position yourself to be next to them which we call neutral body language and you'll feel a lot of that tension leave your body and all of a sudden you're going to find that confidence that you have in all these other areas and the bet I 100% agree with you and I've read before about body languages like even if you're leading forward and you're more interested in things like that the last thing that I think I forgot to mention is that if you want people to like you or you feel uncomfortable and you want to ease the pressure talk about them the person that's demeaning you wants to hear about themselves because he thinks he's so smart your boss thinks he's wonderful and he's amazing boss letting me know how great he is but don't give like fake you know compliments but kind of just it's counterintuitive but you can really disarm someone who's being aggressive or demeaning by giving them a genuine compliment yeah I like how amazing you were in helping me with this project and all of a sudden that person who's demeaning to everyone else is going to actually be a little nicer exactly like you are like honestly I envy how your leadership skills like it's so crazy how like good you are this and then they'll be like oh thank you for noticing that because I've been putting everyone else down because I really just can't tell never noticed it last questionnaire Ian has a question about seeking approval I largely become the confidence-centered attractive person I want to be after years of working on myself but I still fall into approval seeking in supplicative mode in the presence of authority figures or people that I subconsciously deem as high status how do I manage and minimize this wow well that's going to be like years of therapy so you know it's not it's not that's like a solution from within and I can completely relate to that where I was like I was born with enamel deficiency which means because I was born in a rural country and it means that all my teeth were incredibly yellow not just yellow they're just I don't have enamel so they couldn't protect my teeth so every tooth I had a cavity in and like I have like 15 root canals and all my teeth are veneers that's why they look so good but I remember when I quote-unquote came out I said okay once my teeth are perfect I'm going to get my whole mouth done which is I don't know if you know how much veneer though it's very expensive it's daddy issues money yeah no it was actually because my parents paid for my my teeth were medical issues so my parents my whole life paid for them so it was like luminaries veneers capsules it was bonding everything but through insurance you never get the hollywood veneers you insurance doesn't pay for that hollywood veneers are $1800 a tooth so through daddy issues money I saved up and my parents like listen mom and dad I don't want you to pay for this anymore like I will pay for this and it was just different because any type of veneers that I would get my real yellow teeth will reflect forward so no matter how white think you will put over my teeth my teeth will still look yellow they won't look as bad as my real teeth underneath but my teeth never looked good and I always was insecure about dating and all that so anyway so I was like once I get these perfect teeth now I will be beautiful and I got these perfect teeth and I finally felt beautiful for a month and then I was like so and I remember I was just like oh my god I'm beautiful when I smiled for the first time it was like the most amazing thing in the world and then a month later a month or two months later suddenly I look at another girl and I'm like well she has this and why do I look like that and suddenly I start to get insecure again and I think and I start to feel down about myself and suddenly it was like what else do I need to fix over myself we're like why am I sad like I don't understand I always thought once I fix this I will be good enough and now I don't feel good enough and eventually I realized it never had anything to do with my teeth to be honest I had to do with like how you feel inside or why it is that you thought you were never good enough because you had this one flaw and I think that's the same thing with this person he fixed what's on the outside but he never fixed what's on the inside which for me took me like a full year to be like I like this about myself and obviously there's still times because I I do know what I do so of course I'm constantly comparing myself to people there's still times where I look at other girls and I feel jealous but then I have to be like but they're not me that I always will remember that I'm an individual they will never be me and I have to love myself for who I am before someone else can love me it's certainly comparing yourself to yourself rather than other people is certainly gonna help I think for all of us no matter how much work we put in to ourselves and to develop ourselves and to get better there's always going to be those moments that come out of nowhere that shock us where we're not so tough or confident as we thought we were and it's that that moment makes us see what can be there underneath and it's scary however it is for that journey of continuing to get better every day that allows those moments to be farther and farther in between and we talk about journaling I mean looking at those moments that you're feeling this way and and looking at the environment and the triggers that may be causing it and if you see the same thing in patterns over and over again therapy is a great way to work through this that doesn't mean you are weak in some way it just means you've identified an area that you want to improve in and I think when we're when it comes to the presence of authority figures or people that we subconsciously deem as high status obviously we have daddy issues here it comes to a lot of how we were raised in the beginning and those patterns are imprinted in us on childhood and you could be confident in other areas and still have a lack of confidence in this area until you tackle the deeper issue you know it's so crazy like all the um a lot of the answers there were the questions and the answers were giving in my brain like I'm like I feel like I'm giving myself advice because there's also in my life someone that I feel intimidated by for some reason and I'm really confident and then in my head I'm like yeah remove him from his pedestal you know he's just like you don't be timid around him thank you for joining us for these fun questions what is up for you in 2020 I know you're getting instagram videos removed and put back up hopefully what else are you working on porn for sure I'm kidding me and my sense of humor so daddy issues um um this year well there's my to start to be crazy podcast that's on every Thursday um I want to create more funny content on my personal instagram vial events and where it's just um fun videos for women or men just empowering I'm really 2020 is more about me trying to empower and re-teach everyone how to love themselves again because I think social media kind of ruined it for a lot of people sure um I'm also getting into I will be releasing one or two books this year one will be a poem book that I've been working on the next one's a dating advice book and the last one is a funny sex book that's a coffee table book that's the porn yeah but I'm not in it but it's like just funny sex it's really hilarious so there's the books and then um I'll be getting back on YouTube and we'll see I mean I think I'm working on some stuff that has to do with tv that I can talk about all right go into parties alone going to parties alone will always be my thing oh and I'm going to find love this year so thank you so much for having me yeah