 The Abaddon Costello Program, starring Bud Abaddon and Lou Costello, brought to you by Camel, the cigarette to cost me or properly aged tobacco. The Abaddon Costello Program, the music of Carl Hoff and his orchestra, our singing star Amy Arnell, and spotlighting that chucky chubby little cherub, who went caught putting a sheet of metal in his Uncle Artie Stebbins pants, because he heard him say he was sitting on pins and needles, calmly said, Hey Costello, what's the idea of walking in here late? Come on, you know you're late. Explain yourself, where have you been? Well, I was listening to my cousin Hugo giving a very important speech under cold shortage. He said, gentlemen, due to the cold shortage, we must save electricity. I beg you not to use electricity. Please don't... Did they listen to him? No, the warden threw the switch anyway. Never mind your cousin Hugo. Do you realize there's been a woman waiting for you here for the last hour? Oh, there you are at last, Mr Costello. I could hardly wait till you got here. I've been simply dying to see you, and at last here you are. At last here we are. You and I, based on... That vacuum is sucking the laces out of my shoes. Mrs. Adelso, what brings you to California? Patterson, New Jersey. Abbot, did you hear that? You want me to be mayor of South Patterson? I'll be another luck warden here. It was a great man. They call him the little flower. What is the same thing with me? Oh, people would call you the little flower? Not a big stinkweed. I'll run. We was a man who was handsome and intellectual. In that case, slow me down for a walk. Mrs. Adelso, can't you get somebody that's better qualified than Costello to run for mayor? Well, my husband was thinking of running, but he's such a busy man. You see, he has a seat on the stock exchange, and he also has a seat on the city council. Your husband has two seats? Yes. Does Ripley know about this? I'm going right out now that you are leaving on the midnight train. Wait a minute, Costello. You can't run for public office. You don't know anything about politics. Oh, sure. Do I come from a family of politicians? Am I Uncle Artie Stebbins with a politician in Texas? What did you run for? Huh? What did you run for? The border. Oh, no. The mayor, Mary, you have to be educated. How high did you get in school? How high did I get? I never cut your stuff. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, did you go to high school? Oh, yeah, I went for a whole week. Did you learn anything that would help you? Oh, sure. But you can't make a career out of nothing. I bet you don't even know the alphabet. Oh, yes, I do. Let's hear it. The alphabet is A, B, Q, W, Z. Where did you learn? Where did you ever learn the alphabet that way? When I went to get my eyes tested. I can't see that. Come on. We're leaving for Paterson to join you tonight on the midnight train. You ready to go, kid? Wait a minute, Costello. Here we go. Choo-choo. Wait a minute. Let me play Choo-choo train. You just can't... I'm going to Paterson. And you keep quiet, please. Never mind where you're bound for. You can't just leave on a train like that. Have you got a reservation? A reservation? What do I look like? An Indian? No, no, no, no. If you're going all the way to Paterson, you'll have to have a Pullman. You know, old someplace to sleep. Oh, that's easy. I eat garlic. That's all right. What has eating garlic got to do with getting a place to sleep? I just breathe in the conductor's face and he gives me a wide burp. No, no, no. I'll tell you what you do, Costello. Now, in order to save money, we'd better get a couple of upper burps. Yeah, but I don't want an upper. I want a lower. But, Costello, do you realize that if you buy a lower, you'll find it's much higher than an upper? Oh, sure. Everybody knows that when you... What did you say? I said that a lower is higher than an upper. A lower is higher than an upper? Oh, certainly. What are they doing? Running the trains upside down? Of course not. The lower is the more desirable burp. Therefore, if you want to go lower, you'll have to go higher. If I want to go lower, I have to go higher? Why should I go higher when I want to go lower? Costello, I'm trying to tell you they sell the upper lower than the lower. Because when you sleep in an upper, you have to get up to go to bed. I have to get up to go to bed? That's right. Who's paying for my burp? Well, you are. And there ain't nobody in it for me? No. Then why do I have to get up? Oh, look, Costello, I've already explained it to you that way. Look, unless you go higher for a lower, then you're stuck with an upper and you'll have to get up when you go to bed. And you'll have to get down when you want to get up. Let me smell your breath. Can't you understand anything, you dummy? If you want to go lower, you have to go higher because the lower is higher than the upper. And the reason the lower is higher than the upper is because the upper is higher up than the lower. Ah, you mean that the upper is lower than the lower because the lower is higher than the upper? No, you've got it. Now I've got it. The airline in the United States and at practically any populated point, look out of the window and there would be a place covered by this great survey of doctors I want to tell you about. A survey so thorough that it covered 113,597 doctors, doctors in every state of the Union, doctors in every branch of medicine. So thorough it took the combined efforts of three leading independent research organizations. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? That was the query. And the results? Well, the cigarette named most was camels. Again, the rich, full flavor and cool mildness of camels' superb blend of costlier tobacco is one nationwide recognition. Yes? According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Well, camel fans everywhere, Carl Hoff and the orchestra play seems like old times. Let's write pants. Oh, my brother's wearing them. He's delivery boy for the meat market. Well, why don't you get the pants back from him? It's sunburned on his afternoon delivery. He's packing now. I'm taking all my sporting equipment along. My old golf clubs, my old baseball club, and... Hey, by the way, have you seen my old bat? Yeah, I saw it last night in front of the place. Wait a minute. The bat I'm talking about was shellac. That's the one. I'm the baggots, man. Good. Take all this luggage down the railroad station, please. Okay. Oh, boy, this thing is heavy. What have you got in this old beer barrel? Put me down, you dope. Here, baggage man. Take this trunk downstairs first, please. What? I'm not gonna carry that big, heavy tank down those stairs. Ah, you don't have to. Just step into the elevator here. I'll open the door for you. Step in. Thanks. Before I leave that elevator. Look, Costello speaking. Mr. Costello, this is a Hollywood movie star, and I hear that I'm going back east on the same train with you. Gee, you are? Yes, and just remember, if you want anything, just whistle. Who is this? Lauren Bacall? No, Lassie. Come on, Costello. Come on, we better get down. Will you listen to me, please? Never mind her. We better get down to the station and get our tickets. Come on. We got plenty of time. I want to say goodbye to all my friends, and I mustn't forget my little pets. I must say goodbye to my parrot. Goodbye, Polly. Goodbye. And my little goldfish mini. Goodbye, mini. Thank you. Goodbye to Jack and Henry. Jack and Henry? Yeah, they're my first of been Henrietta. Let's be on our way. Hey, let's stop here, rabbit. This is where my girlfriend, Tessie, came for your lift. See, what have you done to your legs? Well, yes, but Tessie, striped wallpaper. Oh, boy, what brings you to my door with a suitcase? Well, I came to say goodbye, Tessie. I'm leaving for the east tonight. I'm going back to run for mayor of South Patterson. Oh, isn't that wonderful, Louis? You and I should get married. I've always wanted to be a mayor's wife. But Tessie, you're a little too old for me. Too old? I'm just on the shady side of 30. You've been in the shade too long. I'm on your north side. Hey, look, Costello. There's the actress, Bessie May Muccio, driving up to the curbs here. Hello, Mr. Albert and Mr. Costello. Where are you going with the traveling bog? Traveling bog? Oh, sure, rabbit. You know what a traveling bog is. Water, Bertle, and shaving sup. The razor bleeds will shave off your waskers. Costello's going back to his hometown in New Jersey to run for mayor. Can you imagine that? Oh, my, you're going that far away. Well, I must give you an appropriate farewell. Goodbye, my cute little fog. One more friend to say goodbye to. Let's stop and see, Scotty. Say, Scotty, what's the idea of having all your winter shades down in the daytime? The house is pitch dark. Well, my wife's father and mother came to visit me three nights ago. I've kept the house so dark, they still think it's the same night they got here. Is that good? It's wonderful. They've missed 11 meals already. Hey, Scotty, I come over to say goodbye. I'm going back to my hometown in Patterson, New Jersey to run for mayor. Oh, would you be going through Pomona? Uh-huh. Would you mind dropping off the suitcase when you get there? What's in the suitcase, Scotty? My son Angus is going to a Boy Scout camp. Well, how will a poor boy get home? Well, I took the needle out of his compass. Every year he gets lost in the mountains and the searching party always brings him home. Come on, Costello. We've got to get down to the railroad station. Hey, here's a cab now. Pardon me. Cabby, are you engaged? Nobody, but I'm going steady. Never mind. We want to catch the train for Patterson, New Jersey. Okay, jump in and I'll take you to the Union State. The Union State. The Union State. Union Station, Santa Fe Depot. Come on, get us down to the station, please. Ah, don't worry. I'll catch you down there before you can sit. Jack Robin. Jack Robin. Jack Robin. Robinson? Glad to know you're Robinson. Please get this cab started. Okay, buddy. The Santa Fe Depot is only a few minutes from Hollywood. We've been driving for two hours. Yeah, the meter says $37. Listen, fat boy, hold your tongue. Okay. God, don't tell me how to drive this cab. I got a map right here on the floor by my feet and that black line right there leads right to the Santa Fe Depot. Well, hurry up and get us there. Hey, driver, where in the world are you taking us? Yeah, $68. Where's the Santa Fe Depot? Right here. We'll be out Santa Fe Depot. Thank heavens. Come on. Hey, wait a minute. This isn't the Santa Fe Depot. That sign over there says Pismo Beach. Pismo Beach. Pismo Beach. Yes. Hey, I've got the map on the floor here by my feet. I've been following that black line. My shoe came untied. I've been following that black line. My shoe came untied for the last two hours. I've been following my shoelace. Right at this moment in your presence is a great authority on cigarettes, meaning, ladies and gentlemen, your T-zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. Let your taste judge the rich, full flavor of camel's superb blend of costlier tobaccos. Let your throat give you its reaction to camel's cool mildness. Like millions of smokers, you too will find that camel is your favorite cigarette. Camel is a favorite too with many, many thousands of doctors. Three leading independent research organizations check the cigarette preferences of 113,597 doctors all over America. The cigarette most named was camel's. Yes? According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camel's than any other cigarette. Here is camel's lovely Amy Arnell with a song that says... Cokes me a little bit Cokes me a little bit A little, little, little, little bit Cokes me a little bit Cokes me a little bit If you wanna be a kid I'll tell you what to say Here's what you've got to say Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty please I'm gonna pound a bit Till you give out a bit And you really insist So you know the reason why I'm teasing What good is something that comes easy Oh, oh, understand It all depends on the way that you begin How soon I'm in your... A little, little, little, little bit A little, little, little, little bit A little, little, little bit more A little, little, little, little bit Cokes me a little bit Yes, this guy for the information desk Pardon me young man Could you tell me how the trains run? Uh, yes There's a big black thing that pulls them It goes choo-choo and You guys have been bringing too much of that traveller's aid No, no young man What time is the next train leave? Well, we don't know We have a wash out on the line Why don't you take the wash off the line and let's go Oh, never mind him Let's go over to the ticket winner Come on I've gotta have a lower You must get me a lower You've gotta get me a lower Who are you? I'm just an old pajama top No money, Crustella You get the tickets while I take care of the baggage I'll be right back away Well, I guess this is the line Hey yo, Flint What are you trying to squeeze in here for? Get back at the end of the line Excuse me Oh, you dummy Why don't you put your foot where it belongs? My tickets The super chief will be leaving in a few minutes Super chief, super chief Will be leaving on track four Nothing happened How do you like that? I'm pleased you go to the Andrews sisters The super chief is ready for passengers Where are the tickets? Well, I haven't got them I have to stand in this line You dummy, that isn't a line for the ticket window It isn't I wondered why all those people were asking me if I had any nickels Hey, that phone booth is awful busy No wonder the phone booth is busy Look who's in there It's that French girl, Titi Leblanc The railroad station I'm going to Kansas City to visit my aunt Monsieur Costello Would you hold this package while I get the money for my ticket? I have the money right here in my stocking Not of America, never had branches like that Costello's going back east to run for mayor of South Patterson, New Jersey Yes, V.P. I wish you could go back with me and help me with my campaign You could ride around a big truck dressed in a bathing suit And that would make a big hit with the men voters Oh, how could I possibly appeal to the men in a bathing suit? Don't mind her, folks She still plays hopscotch Monsieur, you did not mention how you liked my outfit Oh, that's a lovely dress, V.P. Uh-huh, I made it myself I like to put some of my personality into each dress Sister, you've got it all in that one What kind of a dress is that, V.P? V-neck V-neck? Yes, V-neck So do V, come here and kiss your poor old mother Monsieur Costello, I must be going anyway So I will kiss you goodbye Train is ready I can see the engine smoking If you look again, you'll see it ain't the engine smoking Come on, Costello V.P., look like, will you please? We're next to the ticket office now, come on, get up there Hey, Abbott, look who's behind the ticket window It's Melonhead Why, Melonhead? I didn't know you were selling railroad tickets I'll say I am, and what a madhouse Oh, crowds, crowds, crowds I'm about to have any hair on my head But I'll have you know I have plenty of hair on my chest Oh, the OPA lowered your ceiling, too Stella, we're in a hurry, please Hey, Melonhead, we want two tickets from New York Oh, go to New York, eh? Costello, are you going by buffalo? No, we're going by train, yes, no I know you're going by train Tell me, do you want an upper or a lower? That's a difference Well, if you want to go lower, you'll have to go higher Because the lowers are higher than the uppers Wait a minute, wait a minute Look, Melonhead, can you get the two of us into a compartment? Well, I'm sorry, Abbott But I only had one compartment for two people And I had to put 12 sailors in it How could you put 12 sailors into a compartment for two people? Pied pants And will you hurry up with those tickets? Costello's going to Paterson Paterson? Costello, what is the purpose of this passage to Paterson? Well, eh, will you repeat that? I said, what is the purpose of this passage to Paterson? Are your current expecting you? Give you a shower bath some time Southern or Southern, Ralph? Well, I don't care as long as I go through Bashville, Annie, Wyoming Bashville, Annie, Wyoming? Yeah, there it is, right on the map there That's the thing there Where? Where do you see Bashville, Annie? There's Bashville, Anne Oh, excuse me, that's Cheyenne Cheyenne Come on, let's go, Costello Just a minute, boys, before you get on the train How about a five pound box of herchy bars? Ladies' girdles, pure nylon stockings Brand new pre-war tires and fresh country butter Oh, boy, I'll buy some Oh, selling, I'm buying How about the West? Hey, bad boy, let me help you with that big bag What big bag? My bags are on the train Oh, fuck me, that's your stomach Ha! Still to get on the train Hey, look, what is that guy doing over there by the engine? Goodbye, old pal You're the best pal I ever had I love you, I love you Hey, you, what's the idea of patting and kissing that engine? This engine has taken my wife back to Chicago Yee-hoo! Uh, conductor, we are Abbott and Costello Fine, fine, we have a special car for you right here Step right in Are there any pretty girls aboard? I'll say, what cares? Well, Costello, we're underway at last Ruff to Patterson Gee, Abbott, it's crowded and stuffy and just pulming Yes, it's so dark in here, you can't see anything Yeah, where are the girls? I want to look at those pretty calves Where are your girls? And now, tonight's salute to the men in the armed forces who won through to victory Tonight we hail the 7th Armored Division heroes of Metz and Vit the Ruler Since the beginning of the war, the makers of camels have sent more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas But now with demobilization and progress free camels are sent to service men's hospitals instead This week the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Montgomery, Alabama U.S. Army, Halloran General Hospital, Staten Island, New York U.S. Naval Hospital, Newport, Rhode Island U.S. Marine Hospital, Port Stanton, New Mexico and Veterans Hospital, Reno, Nevada in your honor, men of the 7th Armored Division United States, twice a week our rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America And I'll hear about Abbott and Luke Costello with the final word Well, folks, we weren't kidding tonight on the level Yes, folks, we're going back east to start the ball rolling for two new Luke Costello Junior Youth Foundations for the underprivileged children Yes, folks, next Thursday night we'll be broadcasting from New York Oh, pardon me, gentlemen, I'd like to... Wait a minute, who are you? Well, I'm just an average radio fan Is it true that you're going to broadcast next week from New York? That's right Is Bob Hope going to New York too? Oh, no You mean to tell me that you will be telling jokes from New York or Bob Hope would be out here telling jokes from California? That's right Heaven help the poor people in Kansas City Good night, folks Good night, everybody Good night Next week for another great Aberdeen Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarette And remember, try camels in your tea zone See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to a tea C-A-M-E-L-S Do pipe smokers appreciate choice tobacco? Crimp cut to burn cool? Especially treated to remove tongue bite? They certainly do For Prince Albert is smoked in more pipes year after year than any other tobacco Try Prince Albert in your pipe You'll really notice the difference Saturday night, be sure to listen to Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry You'll hear Red Foley, Grand Ole Opry's sensational new romantic singer Remember, Grand Ole Opry Saturday night on NBC with the duke of a duke, Minnie Pearl and Red Foley We'll end at this very same time Next week, when the Aberdeen Costello show for Camel Cigarettes comes to you from Radio City, New York Thursday night is another all-star night on NBC Stay tuned for Rudy Vowley over most of these stations This is Ken Niles in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night For camels It's them being seen, the National Broadcasting Company