 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, why do men go passive after coming on strong? Why do they do that? Why do they go passive? Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video you like the content, please do me a favor and hit that like button. Lastly, really quickly, this is your explicit language warning. I do occasionally use expletives to enhance a sentence. And if that is not your cup of tea, I highly suggest logging off right now. But if you can handle explicit language, stick with me. All right, we're gonna talk about why men go passive, why men go passive when after coming on strong. So I don't know if you've ever experienced this before but as a dating relationship coach for women, I hear this frequently. Why do men come on strong and then ghost and disappear and start to pull away and need space? Why does this happen? Why does this happen? And I think it's really important to lean into some of the causes that might make this happen. So first off, I want everyone to think about this. Well, let me backtrack for a second. Let me just say my typical audience is what I call midlife daters and that's after baby making years and before retirement. So most of my clientele is somewhere between the ages of 42 or 69, not that that's an absolute. I've worked with women in their 20s and 30s and certainly I've worked with women in their 70s. But I'm saying that's my general demographic. Now why I lean into that demographic is there's a big difference between somebody who's in their 20s and 30s who's actively seeking to make babies and start a family and raise a family and build a family together versus those of us in midlife, which oftentimes are, I would say roughly about 75% of people who are actively single and looking for love are divorced. And so with it, divorce comes with it a lot of different experiences. And certainly, and I've been through those experiences. I've been through alimony, child support, visitation rights, family court and all the different variations that go with that for those of us in midlife. But let me go back to those in their 20s and 30s. So when a man is in his 20s and 30s and he truly is seeking a wife, he wants to make babies and raise a family. Not that he would make the baby but he wants to have a partner to make babies with. He's on the hunt for a wife. So there's a different mentality going on for somebody who's younger who wants to start a family because it's really about building deep roots together includes buying a home together and commingling their finances together. And really when it comes to raising children there's a co-parenting effect going on. So that's what's going on in the consciousness of someone in their 20s and 30s. Now I'm not to suggest that men in their 20s and 30s don't come on strong and become passive but when somebody is actually being intentional in the process, it's quite a bit different than what happens to those of us in our 40s, 50s and 60s because the reality is is many people who are in their 40s, 50s and 60s are actually relatively wounded from their past experiences. Given that 75% of people are divorced there's possibly a deep wound that's prevalent in their life which makes it very difficult to actually lean into this desire of wanting a wife. Wanting a wife, okay? And I'm gonna explain why that's so important in a second as well. So what's happening is for most people in midlife is they're actually seeking connection and sex. They're seeking connection and sex, okay? With a little bit of companionship thrown in there. They want to connect with another human being because they feel like, I mean because I think it's natural to want to connect with human beings. It's just natural to want that and to have that physical aspect of it. But what's happened in midlife is that many men and women alike have a lot of stuff in their lives. We call this stuff baggage, right? We call this baggage, but I'm gonna call it luggage. I'm gonna call it stuff in our life. It could be we're dealing with work pressures. We could be dealing with a nasty ex-spouse. We could be dealing issues with our children. We might have issues with elderly parents. So all of this stuff starts to accumulate in our lives. So we're seeking, so here's the thing. A lot of that stuff precludes someone to actually go into deeper intimacy. I'm gonna repeat that. All that stuff that's accumulated makes it difficult for many people to lean into deeper intimacy. And what happens with a lot of men and women alike is that when that stuff reaches a certain point, okay? Let me go on the camera. It reaches a certain point. This is how much stuff I can handle in my life, okay? But I want connection. I want sex. So men traditionally aren't thinking about all that stuff when they're on the hunt for connection and they're on the hunt for sex. This is why you women hear this all the time. Men love the hunt. Men love the chase. They're all about pursuit. You know, that's what men are after or that's what men do. Well, yeah, when we're on the hunt for connection and sex is a lot different when we're on the hunt for a spouse. And what happens in midlife is most people aren't really on the hunt for a spouse. They're on the hunt for connection and sex. So remember I talked about all that stuff in his life. So let me give you a diagram. I'm gonna have you look at this really quickly. And I want you to look at this represents the man and his stuff in his life, okay? Now, this diagram represents as an example of a woman and her stuff in her life, okay? Her stuff in her life, okay? And this represents how much a man can handle stuff in his life, okay? So it's slightly above where he's at now. It's slightly above where he's at now. That's how much he can handle. But when you take your stuff and his stuff together, it's this. And do you see this line right here? The minute it becomes over that line, we pull away, we retreat, we run away because we can only handle so much emotional responsibility. And what happens is, yes, I know you think that when we come on strong, we're like, I want a relationship, I want a relationship. Like that's what you think we men are hunting, right? You ladies think men are hunting a relationship. That's such a crock of shit. Now I know some men want a relationship, but for the most part, when someone's on the hunt, they're hunting, they're hunting, they're hunting. We're driven by our physical need to want to connect with another human being and to be physically intimate with another human being. And usually once that physical intimacy has been reached, in other words, that sex happens, then we start entering into the next phase of what's something we call relationships, okay? We call this relationship. When two people have decided that they're going to engage in regular sex together, today we call that relationship. 100 years ago, it used to be you had to get married to get laid, okay? So the ultimate was commitment before you get laid. Now, first, most people can get laid within three dates. It's called the three date rule, right? Most of the time these days within the first, second or third date, a lot of people have sex. Now, not all people and a lot of women do actually hold out for a little bit more. In fact, I would say that while the third date rule probably isn't as prevalent as it was 10 years ago, I would say these days, most people are having sex between the third and 10th date. Maybe the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, 10th, right? And then if they decide to engage in a regular sexual practice, they're in a relationship and they might even go so far to call themselves boyfriend and girlfriend, okay? So now you're boyfriend and girlfriend, you've just had sex, the guy's been satisfied, he got his accomplishment, he got what he hunted for and now you're starting in a relationship. And then all of his stuff starts to percolate. All of his stuff starts to percolate. Maybe like I said before, issues at work. Maybe he's got issues with an ex-spouse. Maybe he's got stuff going on with his children. Maybe he's just got a full plate in his life and then you have your emotional stuff. But you see, he wasn't prepared to take on that difference. See this chart? He wasn't prepared to go from here to here and then when that happens, it becomes a weight on our shoulders. It's a heavy weight on our shoulders, basically being responsible for whatever emotional needs another person has and this causes many people to retreat, to pull away, to take space. And this happens frequently when they don't return phone calls and that sort of thing is because most human beings can only handle so much emotional responsibility. Now, some of you might be thinking, well, what about us women? Well, that's a great question. I honestly believe that maybe because women give birth, that you have a capacity to handle, I'm not saying this is the case, but maybe you have a capacity to handle way more emotional responsibility than us men. So this is where you get confused because you're like, because you're, let's reverse this diagram. This is you and this is him and you're going, this is me, this is him, but you're going, I can handle this much. Okay. Well, this is the big difference between, and when I say men and women, look it, I don't wanna make this a gender thing, but I'm just going to say, this is just traditionally any human being, men or women alike, many can only handle so much emotional responsibility. I do believe women tend to have a capacity to handle more than men because most of us men were taught to stuff our emotions, to taught to stuff our feelings because it demonstrated a level of weakness, but the reality is we can only handle so much of your emotional needs. Maybe you need to be loved and supported because you're going through an issue at work. Maybe you need to be loved and supported because you've got an ex-spouse that's angry and mad at you. Maybe you have children that have special needs and that sort of thing and you need some loving support, but if someone can only handle this much, you just have to remember, he's got his own life too. So there's only so much a person can handle. Now, why am I sharing all this with you? It's first to create awareness, the understanding that this is what happens frequently. And we can judge someone, well, if he can't handle my stuff, then I don't wanna have any part of him. Well, that's one way of looking at it, but I'm here to say is it's very human nature to not be able to take on more, bite off more than you can chew. And why men don't, a lot of men don't lean in past this is because we don't wanna make a promise we can't keep. We don't wanna make a promise we can't keep. This is why casual relationships are the predominant form of relationships today because casual relationships basically say is, I'm gonna take care of my needs, you take care of your needs, I'm gonna be focused on my own self, you focus on your own self, and I won't be able to take on much of your needs. This is why casual is the more prevalent relationships. The hard part for many of you ladies is you're in a casual relationship believing it's a serious relationship. I repeat that, you're in a casual relationship believing it's a serious relationship, and that he would naturally, and many of you ladies, and I'm gonna tell you ladies buy into this stupid fucking narrative of, well, if we love each other, everything would just magically work out because love solves everything. Where did that ever, love does not solve everything. I mean, it has the capacity to, there's no doubt about it, but what really, here's the thing, if a person can only handle so much emotionally, that's all they can handle. Doesn't make them a bad person, it just makes their reality true for them. And just recognize that when you add to their plate, they might just go, this is too much for me, I have to run away, and we can judge that behavior is weak, or we can recognize that you know what, this is really a facet of understanding is until you've actually developed deep, deep roots of trust, it's gonna make it very challenging. And I know many of you do a terrible job because you don't even know how to build the deep roots of trust. This is why when I created my private coaching program, when I created my private coaching program, one of the segments in it is how to build the deep roots of trust to actually have your relationship flourish so he can handle those emotional issues going on. And by the way, if you need help and support on that, check out the link in the description for a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Listen, this may not be pleasant news, but this is the reality of life. And just recognize that, hey, you might have a great guy, but he might pull away, run away, disappear, not because biology, he has to recharge his batteries because his testosterone is low. I mean, by the way, this is some of the rhetoric you hear, his testosterone is low, he has to go recharge his batteries. Well, yeah, that happens, by the way, everybody recharges their batteries when they sleep. And we certainly, as human beings, need to take vacation and stuff like that. But the predominant reason why a man pulls away, goes, disappear, takes space is because he can only handle so much emotional responsibility at that point in time. And this is why the real issue in most dating, mating, relating things that the most common thing is, most human beings do a terrible job of actually getting to know one another and actually blending their lives together and actually building the solid foundation to support, to support on your shoulders, those heavier emotional things that happen. Is this sinking in, is this resonating? Please let me know. Please hit that thumbs up button. In fact, I wonder how many people have hit the thumbs up button. Anyway, I think you're getting the gist of where I'm going here. Look it, most men and women are good people. Most good men and women have weak emotional skills. They have weak emotional skills to be able to increase that number from here to here. Doesn't make them bad people, but this is why I'm such a big proponent of what I talk about in my book, what the heck is self love anyway? It's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So you can actually shore yourself up from the inside out to be able to handle more and more emotional responsibility, which even includes a partner in your life. And if you're not choosing people like that, then reach out to me so I can teach you how to do a better job choosing people and how to vet for emotional maturity. Check out the link below to my book, to my podcast, to my membership group, and also to a free discovery call. All right, this is the time we're gonna start to take questions. So really quickly, if you have a question, post the word question, then write the question there after, or you can purchase a Super Sticker or a Super Chat, all fun, and then post your question inside the Super Sticker Super Chat. All the funds from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a foundation I'm created for my son Connor who passed away. The foundation is called Salty Love after his nickname Salty. And the idea of the foundation is to create a scholarship fund for those folks who want love and support in the area of personal development, self-help, and spiritual work. So again, you can purchase a Super Sticker or Super Chat or write the word question, but now it's time for Q and A, so let's take questions. Right, by the way, thank you everyone for on right now. So, well, Lisa says, so what's the solution? You know, I wasn't here to share a solution, I'm just here to point out what's actually going on. The most important thing, Lisa, and that's a great question, what's the solution? The solution is don't give your power away to another human being. See, ladies, he came on strong, you got excited, you feel like you're in a full-blown relationship, but many times you're expecting the man to either lead the relationship, take charge, or you give your power away to another human being. And then you get frustrated when he pulls away. You just have to recognize that that's almost an inevitable. Human beings can only handle so much responsibility unless the deep roots have been created. So one, you have to learn how to develop the deep roots to trust, but also at the same time, not be attached to an outcome, whether or not he wants to be in relationship with you when he does pull away, okay? Because when you love on yourself, listen, ladies, I've heard you tell me over and over, but I'm in love with the guy. Well, if you're in love with a guy and he doesn't wanna be with you, you should actually love him through that instead of judge him through that. If you said you loved him, then you have to be able to love all of his choices, even the ones you don't like. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't have healthy boundaries and healthy standards, that's not what I'm talking about, but if someone moves on and you loved him, you should wish them well. I got off on a tangent there, Lisa, but I think I'm giving you some gist of what I think the solution is, or maybe just don't put a lot on his plate until you've developed the deep roots of trust, okay? Maybe you just don't wanna put a lot on his plate until you've developed the deep roots of trust with each other by being intentional in the process of dating, mating, relating. And by the way, if you really wanna understand some of the emotional issues that come up, I highly recommend reading the book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates, this will give you insight into what's most likely is going to cause your breakups, okay? Now why you wanna read this is this is a book you buy two copies, you give him a copy, you give a copy. By the way, ideally you wanna do this before the penis ever goes inside the vagina and start reading it together so you can prepare to be in a healthy happy relationship with one another because you're doing the work right from the get go. But Jonathan, isn't the dating process just about being fun and having a good time and just have a good time and I just sit back and you're, I'm just gonna sit back on my feminine energy and just have a good time. By the way, ladies, when you sit back in your feminine energy, when you're with a narcissist, you're about to get ready for a big smack upside, I changed subject and went to a narcissist. But sitting back in your feminine energy is a recipe for disaster. Let me tell you what's more important, leaning into your sovereignty, leaning into your self-worth, leaning into your self-esteem and actually leaning into the idea of co-creating a relationship together. That's why purchasing this book is a lot healthier because leaning back in your feminine oftentimes just sets you up for failure. I went off on some tangents there, but that's my typical ammo anyway. Thank you so much, Lisa, I appreciate that. So if you have a question, post the word question. Oh, here we go. And thank you for the super sticker, mystic with lipstick. Right, question, Jonathan. I may have been love-bomb, what is that? I made it clear I was not expecting anything, I just wanted to tell him how I felt before I move. Okay, great question, love-bombing. Okay, let me tell you, love-bombing, I've done this so many times, I can't count. When a man is driven by lust or limerence. Limerence, L-I-M-E-R-E-N-C-E. L-I-M-E-R-E-N-C-E limerence means extreme infatuation. When a man is experiencing extreme infatuation or we're experiencing lust, we oftentimes are biologically unaware that we are in this state of extreme enthusiasm. And we're not in our rational mind. And when we're feeling that, we just feel absolute love for another human being. And we do something, we just, love-bombing is just showering someone with a ton of attention. Now it's wrapped in good deeds, like I want a relationship with you, I can see a future with you, oh my God, I could see us getting married. My God, you're the most amazing person on the planet. Oh my God, I've never met a woman like you. In fact, I've dated hundreds of women, you are the most different, you're the unicorn from them all. Have any of you heard that? I know I've said it, I've said it dozens of times. Not because I was, quite frankly, I wasn't in my right mind when we're in lust or infatuation, we're literally out of our consciousness and we're literally driven by the biology or within us. And we'll do whatever it takes to squinch that lust drive. And that's where love-bombing oftentimes starts from. An unhealthy unconscious approach to dating, mating, or relating. So now here's what I have to say. What about the woman who accepts love-bombing? Well, she's gotta take ownership on her part. I'm gonna tell you something, ladies. What do men think about on every first date? What's the one thing on their mind that every single man on the planet thinks about on a first date? He wants to have sex with you. We are lust-driven, okay? So you gotta take whatever comes out of our mouth with a grain of salt, because it's not real until you've actually developed the roots to trust in a relationship and that takes somewhere between three to six months at a minimum. So just recognize that when that happens, that does not mean true love. True love happens, listen. True love happens when the person you're with is going through chemotherapy and you're wiping the vomit from their face. That's true love. True love is being there for your partner when they're going through a tough time. I had one client who she just started dating a man and 30 days into dating, her son had an accident and died. Same as my son, same age, same thing happened. And this guy just stepped right into this relationship because his emotional response, he could handle more emotional responsibility than the average guy and he leaned into with her and he totally supported her and within eight months they got engaged and they got married, or within a year they got engaged and got married. So I'm here to say that a lot of times we can only handle so much. And then some people can handle a lot and true love is being there during the tough times, being there through the tough times, not the easy times, it's through the tough times. Thank you for that question. I truly appreciate it, big hugs to you. By the way, I just got a new coffee mug. It says sometimes you forget you're awesome. So this is your reminder. This was a gift from one of you out in the YouTube universe. On my website is the address to my company and out of the blue I got this sweet gift from one of you beautiful souls. I can't thank you enough. I mean, I gotta tell you lately I've been getting a lot of little gifts in the mail. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I love my new mug and a reminder that I'm awesome. Thank you so much. Your name is Alice, big hugs and thanks to you Alice. All right, Hazel writes, why men nowadays, okay, why men nowadays guys are not genuine and truthful. It's more admirable when they are bold at front. Okay, so I believe that most human beings lie to themselves. I think this idea that people aren't truthful or what did she say? She said genuine and truthful. I think most people actually lie to themselves. And what I mean to say is a lot of times like for example, when I, okay, let me give you an example. After my divorce, I said I'm ready for a relationship. I'm ready for a relationship. I'm ready for a relationship. And I began dating someone and a really fantastic woman about nine months after we filed for divorce. Totally smitten by her. I love bombed her a bunch. You know, I was totally into her. I came on strong. And then I hit my emotional capacity and I pulled away. Okay, I didn't know at the time, I thought I wanted a relationship, but then I realized I couldn't handle any more emotional responsibility. Now the thing was I blame, she doesn't know this, but I blamed her for that. And what I mean to say is I didn't recognize that the issue was me. I thought it was her. So then what happened is, a few months later, I meet another woman. We date for three months. I come on strong. I hit my emotional capacity and then I pulled away. And I thought, oh, it was her. So I did it again and again and again and again, okay? Until I realized that the common denominator was me. I wasn't being disingenuous or untruthful. I just didn't understand that the problem was me. So let me just say this, this whole notion that a lot of people, I was lying to myself because I thought I was capable of handling this and I wasn't. So anyway, does that make sense? I hope it does. Hazel, thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, Dotty says, I think the date process is learning to be friends. No, the dating process is learning to see if two people are a fit for one another. That's the real process of dating. The dating process is a vetting process to decide if you wanna be in relationship with one another. But Jonathan, isn't it just about having fun and having a good time and I just sit back in my feminine energy? No, it's a vetting process to decide if you wanna be in relationship with someone. And then relationship is a vetting process to decide if you wanna be in partnership with someone unless you want a casual relationship. That's okay too. But here's the disadvantage of, listen, everybody who starts a casual relationship, one person typically wants more at some point and then it's a mismatch, okay? Because then they expect the other person to reach their level. No, you either go in, I want a serious relationship or just stick with casual. But just remember, the minute the penis goes inside the vagina and oxytocin is released, you're attached to a human being who may be a terrible match for you. This is why I'm a big proponent of asking these questions ahead of time, like in this book. Is this making sense? Is this resonating? Please let me know, hit that like button. All right, I'm gonna take a one second break everyone. I'll be back in one second. My feet were cold and I wanted to put on slippers. Even though I have socks on, my feet were cold, right? I could have said shoes and I said slippers because I wanted something furry and comfortable. Okay, all right, let's keep going. Jenny writes, dating is true compatibility. I'm intentional that I'm seeking a serious relationship. Yes, dating isn't true compatibility. Dating is a process to determine if we're compatible with one another. That's the process of dating. Thank you so much. Let's see, if you have a question, post the word question. Oh, Donna, thank you so much for the super sticker. I really appreciate that, thank you. All right, let's see if we have a question, post the word question. All right, here we go from Carmen. Oops, sorry. Actually, let me take this question from Seeker. Question, why do men mirror your convictions, marry you, then reveal years later that it was a lie? Okay, why do men mirror your convictions, marry you, then reveal years later that you lie? So I'm assuming this is a one man that this happened to, not that every single man you met, you dated, you married, and then they found out later. So let's differentiate between one man versus many men. So the reality is, as I said earlier, most human beings lie to themselves. They're not really truthful with themselves on where they're at in their emotional life. This is one of the reasons why I recommend everybody read the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas, childhood wounds and traumas that cause one to create negative patterns and limiting beliefs in their lives. And what happens is these negative patterns, limiting beliefs, causes one to really be unaware of how their emotional state of being is affecting another human being. Let me repeat that. Person who's trapped in their woundedness is unaware that their actions can actually affect another human being. You know, the reality is that many people actually lack a level of empathy for another human being in the dating process. The dating process is a very selfish, self-serving process. In fact, Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote the book, Eat, Pray, Love, said today's American daters are the most narcissistic data on the planet. They want the best for themselves, but yet they're not willing to show up as their best. And by the way, she wasn't talking about men, she was talking about men and women alike. This is not singular. It is actually, John Gottman even said, the first stage of love is about satisfying one's own needs. Second stage of love is caring about someone else's needs. And the third stage of love is the other person's needs become your needs. The reality is is most people are dating rather selfishly men and women alike. They're hyper focused on getting their own needs met. They don't, by the way, very few people date from the premise of what I can give. Most people date from the premise of what I can get. And in fact, there's a lot of men and women out there that give to get. And they get so upset when they give, give, give, give, give and then they don't get what they want. And then they act like martyrs. Oh my God, I gave so much in the relationship and my partner gave me nothing. Well, you know what, that's on you. That's not their fault. By the way, I want you to think of giving like this. If you give this much and they give this much, that difference is on you, not on them. You either meet each other at the same level or you move on. Because anytime someone says, I gave and I gave and I gave and I gave, but that other person didn't meet me. Well, then why were you giving so much? Well, because I wanted them to change and I wanted to show them I loved them and I wanted to, no, a relationship is a two lane street, folks, it's a two lane street. Either you're traveling together and at some point getting each other's car, but when it's a mismatch, it's never going to work and you can't blame the other for doing something that because just because you gave more doesn't necessarily make it right. Okay, and not there is such a thing as right or wrong, but I just want you to know, you can't judge the other person when because what happens is when you give more and then you expect something from them, you've just become a taker. Well, I expect you to give you as much as me because I just expect it. Well, that's what a taker does. That's not what a giver does. Giving love should come from a place of generosity, no matter how much the other person gives, but I will tell you relationships that are mismatched, it's because one person is giving way too much and it's on them to either meet where the other person is or move on, that's my invitation for you. Is this making sense? I hope so, thank you, Seeker, great question. Carmen writes, question, I'm 55 now and I've been single for three years now and I have no idea what I want in a man. Thank you for sharing that. Well, here's what happens when people don't know what they want. They typically, what's the definition of insanity? Let me think. If I do the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and I expect different results, how's that gonna work for me? In fact, as Dr. Phil would say to you, Carmen, how's that working for you? I invite you to find out what you want and if you need help with that, I highly recommend reading the book. Are you the one for me? Are you the one for me by Barbara DeAngelis? This is a great book to help you figure out who and what you want. Definitely recommend reading that. Folks, relationships, here, I pulled out relationships are like a puzzle, okay? Here's a puzzle, 500 piece puzzle. The problem is when a person comes in with their 350 pieces and you come with your 350 pieces, how are you gonna make a 150 piece puzzle with 700 pieces? It's gonna require actually being compromising, having to give up some things. That's how relationships work because 350 pieces and 350 pieces, you can't make a 700 piece puzzle when the puzzle's a 500 piece puzzle and you have to decide to do it together. That's why relationships are called co-creative. Co-creative, this is why a great book to read by Gary Zuckoff is called Spiritual Partnership when you can understand how to create, co-create a relationship together. And by the way, you ladies are just following the stupid, the book, the rules, the rules. Men are supposed to be chivalrous and men are supposed to claim you and men are the leaders of relationship because men are supposed to lead because if we take on any responsibility in the relationship their penis is gonna shrivel rough into because they're intimidated, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, really? This is such stupid narrative. Let me tell you something, ladies. Men are terrible leaders at a relationship. They're terrible leaders, partially because they don't do any studying of what it takes to be in a healthy, happy relationship. So the minute you give, you expect the man to be the leader of the relationship, you're giving your power away to another human being. That's not gonna work in the long run. Is this making sense? And by the way, why is the number one search term? Why do men goes? Why do men disappear? Why are men passive when they come on strong? And you want these people to be the leaders of your relationship? To me, that's the definition of insanity. Relationships should be co-creative, done together. Is this making sense? Is this resonating? Are you getting this? I hope so. All right. So if you have a question, post the word question. Okay, Vanessa writes, question. Is it natural for men to lose attraction in a long-term relationship? I've been married with my partner for 25 years, and I would love, I would love so, and I would live so. Okay, I don't understand the last part. Yeah, it's very natural to lose attraction for another human being. Very natural, that happens frequently. This is why one of the most important aspects of human behavior is the need for variety. Not necessarily variety in partners, but variety in your relationship. I highly recommend reading the work, oh my God, the work of Esther Perrell, mating and captivity. One of the fundamental principles she talks about is erotic connection, erotic connection. And what she teaches is how to help couples who have been married for 25 years rekindle that erotic connection. How to be sexy and passionate to one another. And ideally, if you start early, you're gonna have less chance of a headache, but then it requires two people to want to do it, to want to actually build a, by the way, Esther Perrell says 80% of relationships fail because after that honeymoon period, in marriages in their 20s and 30s, that honeymoon period is seven years, in modern relationships today for those of us in our 40s, 50s and 60s, the honeymoon period is three months. That's it, it's three months. Because the hard part is people don't know how to blend their lives together and they're not intentional and they're operating from a place of casual and not serious. Ladies, it's on you. If you choose men who'd only want casual, then you have to accept the results of that. But as far as attraction is concerned, I'm gonna tell you, Tantric workshops, doing pujas, doing Kamasutra, those are just some of the things, but I'm gonna tell you, having an intentional sex life is incredibly important. And by the way, I wasn't talking about physical attraction, like maybe someone who'd put on weight or something. I'm talking about sexual attraction for one another. And you know what's the sad part is, there are people that have been married 25 years that haven't fucked each other in a decade. Think about that. They haven't had sex in a decade and they're just having, they're basically have a relationship oftentimes going through the motions. Now, I'm not saying that every marriage needs to have a great sex life, but boy, to me, what's the point of being in a relationship if you can't fuck each other on a regular basis? Or at least that's what I want. Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray. Okay, great question. Thank you so much. I appreciate that, Vanessa. Debbie writes, if men are always pulling away, how do you build up trust? Well, great question. So first off, they're not always pulling away, but there's a propensity to pull away. It starts by building trust from the very beginning by understanding the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. If you haven't read this book, then you're not ready to be in a relationship. Ooh, that was a bold statement, Jonathan. Really? Yeah. Or reading this book, how to be an adult in relationship. We have most, we have people in their 40s, 50s and 60s, men and women alike who are absolute children in relationship because they have weak emotional skills and they have terrible communication skills. This is why I highly recommend reading the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg because most humans have terribly weak skills when it comes to communicating their feelings in a healthy, happy way. And I highly recommend reading this book. So, Debbie, great question of why, it's not how do you build trust? First, learn how the mechanics of a relationship work and then start with a better foundation than expecting men to be the leaders of the relationship. And I just sit back in my feminine. Just kidding. All right. By the way, folks, is this resonating with you? Please give me a thumbs up. Let me know or write an amen in the comments so I know this is resonating with you. All right. Let's see what else we have. Okay. Yvonne says, I'm a giver and I don't regret it. If it's not appreciated, it's not on me. Why should I feel any less for genuinely giving love unselfishly? So I'm not, again, I am not against people who are givers. I'm a big proponent of givers. My question is if you're not receiving love to the same degree, do you have an expectation of another and then do you judge the other for not meeting that expectation and then do you throw them under the boss and then you become a martyr saying I gave, I gave, I gave. So really that's what I'm addressing, not the actual act of giving because love is all about giving. Love is all about giving and the capacity to be able to receive as well. So Yvonne, thank you so much. I appreciate that. Sheila writes, I'm so happy to finally catch you live. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. DT writes, I'm not sure. I just feel, oh, that's a conversation people are having. All right, Mystic with Lipstick writes, question. If you and a man met while you were in a relationship but ended up building a connection and friendship, he was my neighbor, I LB him, I LB him but wished him luck and happiness and let him go. Advice, I LB him. What the fuck does LB mean? Oh, you love, I love bomb him. I love bomb him, but I wished him luck and I don't get your question, Mystic. So elaborate, otherwise I can't help you. Okay, Lily writes, hey, Lily and big hugs, question. How likely is a guy not enter a relationship with friends because he doesn't want to screw up the friendship, assuming he knows he has issues and having very serious about having a very serious relationship? How likely? You know, I believe most men are actually rather virtuous. If they know they're fucked up, we might want to fuck you, but we're not going to want to go much past that. So we're going to try to avoid any emotional responsibility in a relationship. Let me repeat that. We will definitely want to have sex with you, but that might be the farthest we can go in relationship with you. It doesn't make you a bad person. Two people can have a sexual relationship, that's okay too. But you're asking me how likely? Unlikely. But you know the thing about human beings? When they get advice, they don't listen because that's the definition of insanity. You know what cracks me up about human beings? One of the things I do as a coach is when a client comes to me all lamenting about some guy and there's just, and I mean everything about his behavior screams, run, forest, run, run, forest, run, run, forest, run. That's what women come to me with experiences where the behavior from the guy is bad. And I asked this question. If this was your daughter experiencing this, what advice would you give? And it blows me away. How many will say run away, move on, everything. And yet they're incapable of doing it. You know, here's the problem with most humans, especially here in the United States. Not only are we suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness, we have weak self-discipline. Let me repeat that. We have weak self-discipline. You know, I mean think about that. You would never want your daughter to experience a relationship with a man who gives bad behavior, but you will tolerate bad behavior after bad behavior, bad behavior. And then you say it's his fault. You say it's his fault. You better be looking at those fingers pointing back because you know you're the one, like it's like you're just praying for magic fairy dust. Jonathan, can magic fairy dust make him change? Can magic fairy dust make our relationship better? No, because magic fairy dust doesn't exist, ladies. So stop expecting people to change when they do little or no work to make changes in their life. I'm yelling. I hope you understand why. So Lillian, thank you. I appreciate that. I wouldn't, it's not very likely in my book. Okay, Natalie writes, question, what is the name for the book about peaceful separation? I remember you mentioned it, but I forgot. Great question and I happen to have it handy. Folks, the book is Conscious Uncoupling, Conscious Uncoupling by Catherine Woodward Thomas. Conscious Uncoupling by Catherine Woodward Thomas. And by the way, do you guys want to know something really cool? Let's turn to page 220 in her book. 220 in her book. I want you to see right here, right there. Can you see my name? Sherry and Jonathan. My ex-girlfriend and I were in this book as a demonstration of how to consciously uncouple in a very healthy way in a public manner. Our public letter is in a book of how to uncouple consciously. In fact, when my significant relationship, in fact, here, I was in relationship with a woman named Dr. Sherry Myers. There's a picture of her, isn't she gorgeous? And she wrote a book called Chatting or Cheating. Chatting or Cheating. In fact, by the way, speaking of books. Speaking of books. Hold on one second. So I'm right in there. She acknowledged me as being actively participant and helping her create the book. Says Jonathan Asley, who lovingly encouraged, pushed and unconditionally supported me through every step of the process of writing this book. Thank you for shining your beautiful heartlight, holding down the emotional for it and continually believing in me. You showed me firsthand what it means to live the words, I am here, you matter, we are important. While that relationship didn't work out. And by the way, I have no regrets. It was the most beautiful relationship I ever had at that point in my life. And I needed that relationship to get to this level of where I was at. I was a train wreck when I met her and she lovingly supported me through one of the toughest periods of my life. And I'm very grateful for that, but we weren't meant to go the distance. But what we did was, we did a very beautiful conscious uncoupling. And what that really means is we agreed that you know what, we may not be a good fit for one another, but it doesn't mean that the love has to go away. And we have since transitioned to what I call family. And a lot of you would say, don't be friends with an ex. I'm here to say bullshit to that. You know what, two people can still care for one another and be in each other's lives like we are family. And let me tell you, this woman is a, we had ended our relationship in 2017. She went to the hospital when my mother was passing away and visited her because we spent broke bread with my mom frequently. And she was so there for me when my son passed away. I am here to say, when good people in your life, you don't have to end a relationship just because you don't choose to be in romantic relationship with one another. Most people need to end relationship because they can't really, they don't have the emotional maturity to lean into being family with one another. But I can tell you the most, I am so grateful she's in my life. And we still can, by the way, she's in a fantastic relationship with a guy, David. David is her partner. They live together. In fact, he took a picture of me while I was staying at their home for a weekend. And that back cover right there, David Federer, Sherry's boyfriend, great guy. And I'm friends with him and I play golf with him on occasion. My point in sharing this with you is, it's the exception, it's not the rule, but I'm telling you two human beings can end a relationship very lovingly if they're emotionally mature. Only emotionally immature people have calamity when they end relationship, but emotionally mature people, that's how they end relationship, a very conscious uncoupling. So thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. Okay, I see we have a super sticker. So hold on a second. Here we go. Mystic with lipstick rights. I became friends with my neighbor while I was in a relationship a few years ago. I've been trying to face my fear of expressing my feelings. Okay, I became friends with my neighbor while I was in a relationship a few years ago. Well, chapter one of my book, speak your truth, do it with kindness. And later on in my book, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So here's the thing. One of my favorite lines is from the movie Shawshank Redemption. Does anyone remember the movie Shawshank Redemption? One of the lines is get busy living or get busy dying. If you have feelings for someone, express it. Just know that they may not have the same feelings for you. So you have to be able to accept that if they don't feel the same way, that's okay. But if you have feelings, by the way, ask yourself. You just have feelings for someone. That just means you care for someone. Does that mean you wanna be in romantic relationship with them? Does that mean you wanna have sex with them? Does that mean you want them to be partners in your life? Do you want them to be sitting by your side while you're going through chemotherapy and wiping the vomit off of your face? Is that what you're talking about? What it is that you want? I understand you have feelings, but let's look at it beyond that. What do you really want with this person and be realistic about it? Because unrequited love is on you, not on him. Unrequited love is on you, on him. And by the way, I wanna invite you to look at it and ask yourself, is this a mature feeling I have for this human being? Is this a mature feeling? Or is this my little kid going, I want attention, I want attention, I want attention? Because oftentimes, that's what's really going on. And I invite you to look inward through self-love to see what's really coming up for you. That's my invitation. Thank you so much for that question. I truly appreciate it. Okay. Bum, bum, bum. Oh. Part two. I love Bum. Telling him how I feel about him. I just want insight from a man's perspective on the situation so I don't love Bum, anyone. How? You know, self-discipline requires, look it. If you're impetuous and love Bum, someone from a needy place, from an unhealthy place, I invite you, this is what I would do. I would do a deep dive in the work of the Hoffman process to find out what's going on on the inside. I invite you to read the book, The Four Agreements, The Four Agreements. I highly recommend reading this book. And then I recommend reading this book. How to be an adult in relationship. Read these three books and then tell me if you love Bum someone going forward. Because here's the thing, only a child loves Bums. Not an adult, an emotional, not an, let me say this, an emotionally immature person or a child, his who love Bums, an emotionally mature person, knows how to pace themselves, okay? It's on you, it's not on him. Thank you so much for the super stickers and everything. I really appreciate it, appreciate it. Scoop writes, 100% agree. I used to go on vacation with my ex-boyfriends, exes on all our kids. I'm friends with them still. Yeah, look at Demi Moore and, oh fuck, what is his name? Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. You know, they're very friendly to each other. You know, because they recognize that there's something greater than themselves. Only children care about their own needs. Adults go, you know what, I'm gonna look beyond this and look at the bigger picture. And by the way, we can actually have healthier relationships when we approach love from a place of maturity rather than a lack of maturity which many people are faced with today. And this is men and women alike. Women are just as bad at this as men. Ah, okay, Jacqueline writes, question. Says he wants me in his life and future, but yet he hasn't made plans to see me the past couple of months. At the beginning, he wanted to see me all the time. So Jacqueline, I'm gonna assume that there's distance involved because, okay, but if there's not, by the way, his silence or his inaction is a decision. You're just not accepting it. Let me repeat that. His inaction is a decision. You're just not accepting it. If someone is, by the way, ladies, why are you choosing these kind of relationships? Either relationships are being built together, being built together, or you're active passive. Why do men go passive? Because they don't wanna build a relationship with you. I'm gonna repeat that. Only passivity comes from someone who doesn't wanna build a relationship or they lack the emotional maturity to be in a relationship. They don't know how to be an adult in relationship. Start reading all of these books and you'll be better prepared. And here's the thing, before the penis goes inside the vagina, ladies, before you guys fuck each other's brains out, why not start reading this shit together? But Jonathan, that will turn a guy off and he'll run away and get scared. Do you want him to get scared before you fuck each other or do you wanna have a deep intimate relationship only to find out he runs away scared? Figure this shit out early. Let me tell you, you know how a steel sword is made? It's through the fire. You have to temper it. You have to slam it together. That's how you make a beautiful relationship together. It requires being intentional from the very beginning. Now look, I know, listen, I know we've heard many people who are in healthy happy relationship that did none of this. Well, that's because most of those people were emotional grownups, but the sad reality is for those of us in midlife, we are in a pool of emotional immaturity. So you have a choice. You can pray that you get the right person or you can be prepared. Do you know what luck is? Luck means opportunity meets preparation. I'm telling you to be prepared. And then when the opportunity arrives, then go for it. Is that making sense? Does that sink in? Does that resonate? I hope it does. Thank you, Jacqueline. I appreciate that question. Scoop says be mature, amen. I love this sentiment. I think I too think that it is possible, conscious uncoupling, amen. All right. Sandra writes, I'm dating somebody right now and we're reading the book Eight Dates Together and it's working, you're right. Our relationship. Oh my God, I'm just gonna keep this up right now. I mean, everybody needs to read this. Ladies, I'm dating somebody right now and we're reading the book Eight Dates Together and it's working, you are right. And our relationship is, I'm hoping your relationship is great. Yes, yes, yes. Read what Sandra wrote. Sandra, thank you. Great. Oh, she wrote it again. Thank you so much. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Scoop says, amen. All right, let's see what else. If you have a question, post the word question and write the question thereafter. We're gonna take a few more. Mae Lua says, Jonathan, you rock. Thank you so much. I totally butchered your name. I hope you understood what I said. Big hugs to you. Thank you. Oh, okay. Shiny, sunshiney one. Question, how do you date being disabled these days? As soon as they find out I'm on a disability, they're no longer interested. My friends tell me to say I'm a pet rescuer but I can't bring my, my friends tell me to say I'm a pet rescuer. So I don't know what your disability is. So, and I, so let me just say this. You know, I know many, I've had clients who have had been in wheelchairs that find love. I've had clients who have had double mastectomies who found love. I've had women with speech impediments find love. I had one client who had a big scar right down her chest, find love and get married. Okay. The thing is, not everybody can handle a disability. Remember I talked about emotional, remember I showed the emotional responsibility? If so long as your disability doesn't affect him and his life, then I would just say to you, be expressive what it is, but just let them know that you are responsible for your life and you're managing your disability. And so long as it doesn't affect his life and he knows it, you have a better chance of maybe progressing past the initial stages of the dating, mating or relating process. And I would start off as friends with one another depending on what your disability is. Is it something physical that you can see right off the bat or something internal? But just remember this, as long as your disability isn't an imp... I was about to use the word imposition, I don't like that. Isn't a dramatically affect his life and you can simply say I'm managing my disability, that's the way I would approach it. Okay. I hope that helps sending you a big, gigantic jot and bear hug. Thank you for that question. All right. Jennifer says, LOL, I love your bluntness. Thank you, Jennifer, big hugs. Vanessa says, you're so funny. I love it. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. All right. We've got time for one more question. Shiny says, thank you so much. Sunshine says, thank you so much. Emily says, Jonathan, please check out the book Love, Sex and Dating by Andy Stanley. It teaches the importance of becoming the person, becoming the person you're right person would want to be so he comes along. He wants you. Definitely we'll check that out. Thank you so much, Emily. All right. You know what, folks? I think this is a good time to wrap up for today. Hey, listen, I hope you got a lot of value. I just want to remind you, men who go passive, why did they go passive when they come on strong? Oftentimes their capacity for handling emotional maturity or emotional responsibility is here for them. Let's just say it's here. Let's say it's here for them and then you have your emotional responsibility. So when you add that on top of his, he's not able to go much past it. Just remember that oftentimes it has nothing to do with you personally. It's how much someone can handle on an emotional level. This is why I highly recommend hiring me, doing the work, check out the link to a free discovery call so you can learn how to vet for emotional maturity so you can pick men who are capable of handling your emotional responsibility as well as his own and versus those that aren't. I hope you found value today in this live stream. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. If you have any questions, post a question. Later, I go back and read them in the comments section. I'd love to hear your thoughts on all of this. And I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. Stop giving myself a big gigantic shot at the barric of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. I'm going to ask you to turn to a friend, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.