 I'm going to see how this works out. I decided to stand tonight. Big shift. So let's just go right into it. This is why I hate Valentine's Day. Well, I don't hate it. I love it. I love it a lot. It's like when you like something a lot, but I love it. 1991, I'm 16. And I have a girlfriend. This is news to me. I don't know what's happened. I don't understand. I don't understand why. So anyone is into this. I don't understand it. It doesn't make any sense to me, because I've just been a total geek-door kid who just doesn't. When I was 12, my nose was bigger than my face. My shoe size was a size 11, and I was like 5'2". I mean, I just was like, I was bozo. So it's really when you think about it. 16 is not that much further along. You think it is, but it's a fucking mess. So taking the bus to Providence. So I live in Johnson, which is about 10 minutes away. I'm taking the bus. I usually don't take the bus. I usually decide that I don't really want to take the bus. I get a ride from my mom and I'm like, I really feel like taking the bus. It's like, alright, so we're taking the bus. And there kind of is this central transit station in Providence where you get off and get on the bus to go somewhere else. But instead I get off and say hello to my girlfriend and we get back on the bus. We then call our school, which is a weird alternative school of 90 kids, and we tell CIS, the secretary, that we're not coming in. Because it's Valentine's Day. Be careful, you guys, that's what she said. Anya is experienced. I am not. I don't know what I'm doing shape and form. She's been around the block a little bit more. She's been doing stuff. She's told me what we're going to do to make this work. Which involves her giving me a hand job so that I ejaculate so that we actually do have sex. I don't come very fast. This is something else I don't really understand or know about. I just kind of go like, yes, right, I mean, obviously, yes. So she's in the process of this. You have to understand that, you've all been there, I think at this point, that you just, I was having an out of body experience. I wasn't in here anyway. So her trying to do this was not going anywhere. I mean, this is like a half hour goes by. She's like, wow, I'm like, what? So then she's like, well, maybe we should just have sex. I'm like, sensation from the neck down. Like, I don't know. Like this, this, if somebody like stabbed me, I wouldn't feel it. I was just numb. I didn't know what was going on. Because I was so fucking scared out of my mind. I didn't, I didn't, you know, here's a naked foe. At this point, I have not, this is the first, you know, we have done things, but this is like, she's naked. Fucking muppet sheets. I don't know what you do. Screaming and shit. I'm like, are you okay? I don't know. We didn't have, okay, you have to understand too. Right now, we are in, we are in poor Mecca. We are in poor Mecca. 2000, like as soon as 2000 hit, it was like 70% of the internet is just porn, right? Yes, it is. But you know, me, I had one magazine that was like shoved behind the bookcase. Like, again, you know, it was inside of all behind the bookcase with like fake plastic, you know what I mean, the whole fucking thing, for one picture that I like, you know, used as my pleasure zone for like, what, 10 years or some shit. So, so I don't be going and going and going and going. Again, like, she's like, what? You're like, what's going on? Minutes. I'm using muscles I've never used. I'm cramping. I don't know what is going on. She starts saying, I'm hugging. I'm like, what? Because I thought guys came and girls didn't. Again, it's 1991. I don't know what the fuck is happening. I need to research friends. I didn't want my friends advice because I knew they'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? I'll be fucking through, but just get in there and say, what the fuck are you doing? Hey, whoa! I don't even know what that is. I don't know. Slow down for one thing. You sound like you're ordering a donut. It doesn't sound like you're telling me about having sex. So, so, so I'm just going, going, going, going. Finally, DT on VHS. Pretty sure we watch, say, anything. It was really sweet, you know. Like, I mean, how fucking ridiculous is it to lose your virginity on Valentine's Day? I'll tell you, it's fucking ridiculous. And this is why, because of the after effects of who you choose to be without that particular day to lose your virginity with. So, if you have a nice person, your history or thoughts about Valentine's Day and into the future can be very sweet and nice, gentle and loving and feel like waterfall. Every time you think of it, it's just water flowing over your face. For me, it was like bicycle stabbing my eyes because Sonya decided to break up with me like a month, month and a half later. No real reason other than, well, I don't want to marry you so I don't seem to believe. We're 16, it makes like worse fucking excuse on the planet. I'm devastated. You know, this is my first girlfriend again. I didn't understand why a girl would like me in the first place, so I made a very noble gesture when I was 16. I went through phases, but at this point, I had one piece of hair here, just one. Just got that, that long, so I kind of looked like, you know, I'm more insured than Saturday Night Live when he played that character at Grimly. I kind of looked like that, just this big piece. And then I had no hair. Shade. Right about, right about here was a different color, it was blonde and it was braided. It was a fucking tail. I had a tail coming out of my head. Now we all know that tails are completely inappropriate for any occasion, lifestyle or any kind of, you know, if you want to be in society, it's not a good choice. Sitting on the stairs, eating a little demi. She wouldn't take it, she was to take it. The more I tried to keep it to her, the worse it got. And finally, I kind of gave up on that and she just started being really mean, saying incredibly mean shit to me. Saying mean things about me when I was right there to other people. You know, really trying to get me to hate her so that I would move on. But then I was just like really confused. Somebody else finds me attractive, very weird, and I have sex with them. So I continued to not enjoy Valentine's Day. I continued to not enjoy it because like my memory of it, even though the first memory of it was great, it was tainted by someone who was, you know, my first love who was really awful. To me, it was easy to then jump on the anti-Valentine state bandwagon. Someone who severely, and someone who knows this like hates Christmas. That's kind of my second worst holiday experience as a Valentine's Day. But it's not as if I'm close to Christmas. I mean, not even, not even a close second. But to explore tonight with you through someone who lives inside of me. I mean, ain't lost is. Really? Because we need to understand this. I think it's a good idea. Do you think it's a good idea? Don't say it. It's a wonderful idea. It's a beautiful idea. And for all of you watching out there, thank you. We'll see how long you step. We are trying to do it right now. It's lost. The animal magnetism that happens between two people cannot be regarded unnoticed. It can't be unnoticed at all. There's no money with this. It's very simple. You see, you go. You do. It's very simple. It is a chemical reaction in the body that goes along with the psychological need. Underlying and emotional overwhelmed, you could say. And you go towards that. There. Some people call lost love, which is not, but it is lost. So let's move on to hate. And hate fucking. Hate fucking is wonderful. Hate fucking is incredible because if you think about it, hate fucking is lack of lost except you're usually in love with the person that you hate fucking. In other words, you don't want to hate fuck someone you don't know. Unless you've hated them from afar and you've never met. So for example, a celebrity like Kanye, who you hate, but you hate him so much that you want to fuck him. But for so many of us, something happens. You get a text. You're not sure what it means. You hate the person that you're in love with for a moment. Because they're very, very similar. Hate and love. Hate and love. What do you think about it? You can love someone. And they can be your son. Your moon. Other planets, if you want. They can be the whole solar system. The Milky Way. And then they can say something like, you're short. It happens to everyone. I didn't know you didn't like bananas. And you hate them. You hate them with all of your might, all of your heart. Your blood boils, and then it goes cold. And you just, you feel like putting them in a particular position. Everyone has a different one. Could be against the wall. Could be on the floor. Could be over a couch. Could be under a candle. A big candle. A small candle. Maybe there's wax. Maybe you want to put wax on them while you're fucking out. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe. The point is, is that there's something involved that feels like power. And so you want to get into that. So there's this kind of lusts, magnetism that occurs with this hate. But it's a beautiful hate. It's not a bad hate. It's a wonderful hate. You think about it. Because you're having sex. Another person is also hate fucking you. Whether this is in the one way, one. There's no such thing as one way hate fucking. Let's get that, let's get that clear right now. But there is one way love. Making love. You can do to yourself. If you don't think there is a masturbatory element that can be hated, I've studied this. In monkeys, rats, centipedes, I've watched, I've watched them all through a microscope, through a plexiglass wall. I can tell you, all animals do, when they are going at it themselves, is trying to get a release. A release, and therefore a relief. A reread, if you will. But to get that thing, which they are trying to get in order to get off, maybe some corn, maybe some chips. Maybe a little yogurt depends on whether they're living. It has to be sophisticated. Whether you love their mate, necessarily, although they might, and we do not know it, we do not have the capacity to completely understand it, because we are not to that point in civilization to understand the science, to understand ecology, to think theology, therefore, you've got to think, do these things come together? And when they do come together, do they come together in a particular way, where they're next to each other, or are they against each other? Are they inside of each other? We get to this point, where it's really interesting. It's very interesting in the fact that we have this one particular day, this one day out of the year to primarily show our loved one. We're up to $136 now, individually in the United States since 2010. Used to be an hundred and eight, but then it changed. We spent $130 on our loved one on Valentine's Day. You show a huge amount of love to your other person, whatever you want to call it, because the labels are getting out of fucking control at this point. Say you spend $250. There's roses, all that stuff involved. You have to up the ante then when it comes around to February. Because this is the singular day where we are put on the spot in a particular way to show that love and do it accordingly with our society in a way that we are told to do it. So I did all of this research on Valentine's Day and same Valentine. You know what? It doesn't... No one really knows. It's like there's the Roman Valentine guy, there's like this other dude who's Valentine guy. It doesn't matter. And also, there's a whole point of people saying that this is like a Hallmark holiday blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We know it's not Hallmark. Hallmark did not, and I am not as we know paid in any way, should be performed by a corporation. What are we going to do? What are we going to be? What are we going to do? What are we going to feel? You know what I mean? It's like who's okay with lust? Are we okay with lust? Are we okay with it? Are we? Are we not? And that's what I want to get to next. I want to bring in somebody else for a moment. Just for a second. I want to bring in somebody who I feel particularly brings out the best in Valentine's Day. Did you miss it? You did. Because they're gone. There's no one that brings out the best in Valentine's Day because the person doesn't exist. They're all members. Zeroes and ones, what are they equal? Computers. Are we there? Are we together now? Think about this. Remember when they had that home that means they were like loves, evil, E-V-E-O-L Drugs. Smart drugs. They're like zero teeth. This is a good idea. I don't want to tell you about zero teeth. If I tell you about zero teeth you're going to get that information and you're going to steal it. This is being streamed. People are seeing this as recorded right now. Yeah. Just because you're coming in now don't think that I'm going to tell you about teeth. Or no teeth. It's not happening. That shit has sailed, folks. We're not talking about it. We will talk about something else. We're going to harden our thoughts. We're going to harden our thoughts and think hard as it makes your thought really like gelt. It's like lust, love, hate, all combined. Because you're putting something into your body that is going to kill it. But it feels amazing. The taste is phenomenal. And as you bite there's so many things that are going through your subconscious. One of those things is I could never live a life better than this shrine is living right now. There's another thought which continues behind that thought which is my heart is running clock and my children are going to watch me die a small painful death when I'm only 61. I'm 30. I used to be. And then the other one is if I could turn this fry just this one fry just this perfect fry of crispy soft inside I could just turn this fry into the perfect genitalia What would it look like? How would it even feel like? Would I want to look at it? Would I just want to feel it? Would I want to put my hands on it? Who don't do this by the way? This is not good. It turns into just like sex. Don't do this to anybody. Hey. It's not a good idea. It will get you nowhere. Box have sex. It sounds like they are dying the worst death on the planet. It's like a scream from hell. They're not having sex. What are they doing? When they do do that thing they have led themselves to a place that they cannot get back from because they're just there to make it on to the next level and get to the next stage and get to the next place which was my first concert. Speaking of firsts Have I told you about this yet? Have I told you about Molly Crue? It was amazing. I mean it's Molly Crue. These guys are still touring. But he was doing this. I remember I had a I've got what you call a shy bladder. I fucking hate it actually. I do not like to go into a bathroom and stand at a urinal possible to belch and fart as loud as you possibly can and be like talk to me about any so I just like to get clenched up because I just don't want to deal. So I'm waiting in line between White Snake who I just watched killer set and I'm wearing a White Snake shirt that goes down to my knees by the way because I couldn't find one that fit me so I had to get the extra extra large and this is also with the noses out here so every time I'm stepping out of the guy I'm over and over again he's like what you Jesus I'm sorry dude I have no perception of my body so I finally get to the urinal and there's like at least 10 urinals I'm somewhere in the middle and I just stand there and I just stand there and I wait and I do not kiss because I can't cause I'm too fruit dead I go back so I've got like because I'm doing this I'm with the crowd we're together, things are happening it's formed and Vince Neil who is the singer of Molly Crue he's amazing because he doesn't even have to say much in between I remember him saying a few things like OH YEAH like if you were like I didn't even understand what he was saying it was like I was watching like Norwegian metal band I was like what I don't even know what's happening but I remember one thing in English that he did say but it says something and it says something about that culture in general and I'm talking about the culture of rock and roll is famous for sex, drugs rock and roll is the last it's really last we're all together right sex is first sex addiction, love addiction rock and roll working the steps getting through it because it's hard your tattoos are fading it's difficult it's hard, don't think about it they don't make this they don't make that anymore you know how hard it is to get your hands on a bottle of Aquanet now Aquanet for those of you who are unfamiliar with Aquanet Aquanet was a hair spray but if you just did this and you sprayed it it would stay that way for four days it was very very solid and if you had a lighter and you didn't like someone you could really do a number on them because of the Aquanet so Aquanet Aquanet also helps people from my particular subculture that being Wops from Johnston, Rhode Island really just kind of sail the high seas of hair you know and the thing is that's really interesting to me as a person is that sometimes when I see a woman walking down the street in Rhode Island when I'm visiting who has this huge hair and like heels that are so tall that she has to walk like that and just dangling earrings and she's chewing down like I'm like wow she's so pretty and and the thing is it's because of what I grew up it's like this was my first idea of what women were were like huge mall hair and like the jean jackets that like were here you know what I mean and the little diamond things around the button thing and then like a purse that was with other fake jewels and the purse was silver and huge and there were like three bottles of Aquanet in there that I share with her friends and the bracelets the neon bracelets that went down oh my god it's just like the thing like where your mind was like what your first idea of sexuality or interest might be in someone and how that kind of locks in a little bit to your psychology whether or not you go on to you know continue with that ideal mate is up to you you know like I had a friend and he grew up in he got into punk rock a lot sooner than I did and so if you ever saw a girl with kind of like the raccoon eye and make up totally surrounding her eye you know it just looked like she was just like gonna eat you he was like oh my god you know like the crazier the better you know the more like she would just be like fuck you he'd be like oh my god you're my soul mate because that's like kind of like what became ideal for him so it's interesting what becomes our ideal because usually our ideal has nothing to do with love in fact it goes back to the whole hate fucking thing that my friend was talking about which is somebody that you hate you're like oh my god it's like you want to bite the person but you don't want them to talk because that would ruin it you don't ever want to hear them speak because then they might say something whether that thing is intelligent or stupid or whatever it's like you know and then all of a sudden they're like hey and you're like no wrong voice wrong sounding voice everything no and so you just kind of so because the great thing about projecting onto somebody else and turning the volume down when you're watching it online is you don't you don't have to get into it although there's some people who maybe the auditory thing like that's their fix you know that's their thing is hearing all and I gotta say there's some stuff that I've done research for you guys and there's some stuff out there I'm gonna send you some likes there's some stuff out there that's really weird like super weird like people just say the wrong things and people say the wrong things in all different sorts of situations but especially when it comes to sex that is for other people that is filmed or whatever people say the wrong things in these you know there's some people who get really good at it they like to refer to a number of years they know all the dirty talk they've got down everything but it's kind of like oh you like that oh you don't say that you don't that is wrong no he doesn't actually and he has to like keep it going for another five minutes because the director told him to what did you just do that's terrible it's awful so the interesting thing about all of this is that let me sit down next day equals the amount of love that you have in your heart plus the amount of love that you have that leads to the future plus the hate that you might not even know exists because you want to push the ground because you don't like isms all of your isms like no harm are to you all of these different things that lead you to have conversations in cafes that I write down so all of these all of these things that are happening lead to this moment where you're with your loved one and you're in Valentine's Day so you're not supposed to say anything that you're supposed to be on target a whole day that's because I would do it and I would do it wrong and the thing is I love showing appreciation I don't do it enough I don't think anyone does it enough does anyone do it enough if any of you do it enough go ahead because everybody could use it some more I'm telling you it's true everybody could use the magic love bubble crystal ball chocolate horror troll doll that you want at your disposal all the time but you just don't have it because whatever it's February or December so a person in December people are like set they do nothing for me I can wipe my face with nothing occurs come back to this place where it's like it is about appreciation we want to appreciate someone and we seek out appreciative coaches which help us tremendously I don't know if you've seen appreciative coaches for one thing it's a really hard thing to say number two they're like life coaches but they're a lot different because they're focused on one thing they're not focused on gratitude they're a lot of gratitude fuckers out there this is different this is about appreciating so appreciation coaches are saying something like I don't want that right now but I appreciate it you start go to a restaurant and just sit down and appreciate everything about the wait staff they come over I appreciate you pouring water into my glass because you're quenching my thirst say the whole thing even if it feels weird and it will it'll feel weird at first just keep trying you know I really like it I like that, thank you I don't like it because now it's reminding me of something from when I was 5 so please stop and I appreciate the fact that you tried something new you don't understand all the complexities of my mental health issues but I think that I really want you to get is that I appreciate you so even though you triggered me deeply and I want to stick a knife in your throat I appreciate that I appreciate you bringing up a violent tendency because then I have to look at that I appreciate having to look inside of myself all the time every day constantly every breath, every moment it's like what is a modifier it's like moment to moment to moment to help and I love that I love that because it's all pain it's all suffering it's suffering hell shit fuck it's alright I appreciate that part I appreciate looking into a light and creating that little thing that goes on in your eyes afterwards and thinking to myself but at least I'm not blind I appreciate that I appreciate talking into a microphone and hearing my voice because I like hearing myself talk I appreciate myself I appreciate when my zipper is down and someone tells me and then I show them what's inside and them telling me I mean, appreciation coaches are wonderful because they really help and personally right now my heart is blasted open from just pretending to be an appreciation person because it gets you all open there and that doesn't even make sense when people say that it's like I was getting all open there what does that mean open what like can you be a little bit more specific no no because you did you're farming it's in your head what up and where and what that means is for you they don't understand that that sometimes I mean really people don't understand this this beautiful wonderful incredible thing fucking despise something to the point where you just think whatever it is a person a place a system when you want to rip it apart that there is like this juicy fucking power in there that you can't necessarily access any other way okay you can get all Gandhi all you want okay but Gandhi had a little bit of like you would have told me maybe you did maybe he wrote about it I don't know because I haven't read the private journals of Gandhi so but when you get to that zone when you get into that particular place where you're just like you can't see have any of you ever seen really like you fucking lose it and you don't remember a part of your life because you lost it so much whether you screamed at somebody or just I don't know like somebody almost hit you and so you just like go into this like it's wonderful it's an amazing amazing feeling and I think one of the things that we really want to do and I want to start tonight you know just fuck off just fuck off you know they've been talking about this a lot this year people have been talking about I've been seeing a lot of blog posts about people who don't give a fuck or give snow fucks that people are giving no fucks it's becoming like a thing that people are giving no fucks she's so great she gives no fucks but there's something but there's something with that that's kind of like where you're just kind of pushing something to the side if you're giving no fuck you're kind of I'm talking about pinpointed rage it's incredible and it's really really similar to love I think what we should do I don't necessarily see you but I'm trying to reach out to you in fact I'm going to talk to somebody tomorrow about how I can reach the people out there because I'm having trouble doing it because you know I keep forgetting sorry you guys can see me as this 3D thing but they're seeing me as a 2D thing and the thing is that's really awful is that if somebody is watching this right now and they hate it they can turn it off but you guys like oh man you're stuck they hate me they hate what I'm saying what I'm doing or thinking or about to say or the fact that my eyes get big when I perform and they can just be like disgusting person it doesn't look like dinner so a microphone people don't know a microphone it would change people for 28 years because we can just turn it off and I think we should mean I've always felt leaning by leaning step by step step 1 we can have lots of fun step 2 there's so much we can do step 3 it's just you and me step 4 step 5 you kids on the block said it best in step by step and really when you think about it you can have a lot of fun step 1 step 2 step 3 it's just you and me step 4 step 5 don't you know that the time is right for hate I'll leave you with this hate's great lust is as well so is love there's no problem there's no issue love's better than they do there's nothing like that you want me singing another song I'm gonna go love somebody maybe I will wanna drink something see what happens tomorrow but I'm gonna come to Alexander how I wanted to vomit out of my eyes because I was so upset about something I found out about somebody they were somebody that I knew through somebody else and it upset me I won't go into it this person that I know that I know somebody else knows me like expound expel exorcism if I get exorcism myself and so it goes back to that appreciation this thing where if I can appreciate wanting to vomit out of my eyes if I can appreciate hating someone because they know somebody else I know that's awesome that's great because it's just gonna it's just gonna go somewhere else you know it's one of these things now I'm feeling it's not feeling it before you guys came in I was a crap I was really grumpy my mic stand was being a jerk and then I fixed it like something was happening with the fucking video thing it was fine it was not a big deal now fucking me you guys all showed up late you know I was grumpy and then I get up here to remember with all of this he meant this earlier today is it doesn't matter I mean it does how we love hate and lust because we are flex suspects fickle flex was in particle board nobody likes particle use that shit because it's like toxic that's what we are it's okay it's okay to be toxic particle particle can't talk should have done some of this because I was grumpy and threw it my back you know the article thing about being uncomfortable and stuff and like I just want to take a moment I'm really uncomfortable right now like so fear and I bet you guys are too like it's just you know like there were moments and then there was like a few you know this is and the thing is I'm okay with it because like what else do I have to do this once a week this is insane I'm insane can we just stop for a minute fucking nuts for doing this this is insane once a week performance on a new fucking topic people don't don't do this one don't steal my idea two two what the fuck creeps, pervs and scheisters you know and let me do a big shout out to my friend Sarah I had a bunch of other topics for February and they were a little light and she helped make them dark and shadowy and it was like creeps, pervs and scheisters they had to go to hell because that's how she talks I just put somebody who talks like that they were sad