 Can an avoidant man speak my love language? Well, the simple answer is it depends I think it depends on a lot of factors and today We're gonna dive into some critical things that might help you in your future relationship So first off we're going to explore what love attachment style is love attachment style And if you're not familiar with two books, I highly recommend checking them out all the all the books I recommend are in the link below Okay under Jonathan recommend books, but I want you to check out the book attack Excuse me this one attached by a mere a mere Levine and Rachel Heller and this book wired for love by Stan Tafkin Dr. Stan Tafkin who recently came on my channel why it's important to understand love attachment style And there's basically three types of love attachment styles and there's subtypes within each type But there's what's known as an anxious love attachment style There's an avoidant attachment style and then there are secure attachment styles and Oftentimes when we believe we are in love with another human being It's actually something that happened deep in our early stages of upbringing in our childhood How we attached to another human being I'm gonna give you the cliff note version of this But for some children they attached in what's known as an anxious way in a very needy way With either one or both of their parents or any caretaker that was in their life early on Okay, then other children Attached in what's known as an avoidant way. Okay, which means that they Struggled attaching to one or both of their parents or those that raised them Okay, now secure means that they have an healthy attachment to another human being now again I'm giving you the clip note version I highly recommend checking out the links below to the books I recommend called attached by a mirror Levine Rachel Heller the books wired for love by dr. Stan tacked him Okay, so I'm just giving you the clip note version of attachment style if you know your attachment style I'd like you to post it in the comments below or if you're watching the live stream. I'd like you to point Posted in the chat now. I want to be candid with everyone I am an anxious attachment style what that means is I oftentimes can be very needy in relationship I can need lots of validation. I need constant communication For I have a need for closeness. I dislike being alone. I want constant communication So I am probably an anxious attachment style now. I want you to know something I have healed tremendously over the years from where I was say 20 years ago Where whereas I am today and with each relationship I've had or at least Encounter with a person in the dating mating or relating realm I have been slowly healing my attachment style and I'm probably very close to being a secure attachment style Now avoidance they fear being controlled. They have difficulty showing emotions Um They're sensitive to criticism. They have low self-worth Okay, by the way those anxious attachment style, you know fear of abandonment hate being alone also has a low self-worth associated with them The reality is is most humans are suffering from some way shape or form feeling not good enough not lovable and not likeable In fact 60 minutes just did an exposé on this saying we are in an emotional health crisis Here in the United States and what's interesting is dating triggers these wounds like nobody's business The simple act of interacting with another human being can cause tremendous anxiety Now get into the love languages in a moment But I want to give you an example of how this anxiety might manifest itself And tell me if you have experienced the same for yourself So the other day my son came to visit me And we were talking about dating and he mentioned that he's back on the dating apps And he was on hinge and if those of you that are familiar with hinge hinge is an app It's a swipe app that we can use for our phones And he showed me his and I was scrolling through and I go wow that girl is really cute We should hit yes on it and he goes. Yeah, I agree dad And so let me reframe girl a young woman because she was over 21 years old, okay Young woman and she had a prompt on hers is something like tell me something fake about yourself was the prompt So if so he and I so he started to share how he should respond to her And I said no, that's a terrible idea And then I suggested how he should respond to her and he goes Oh, that's a terrible idea and this went on for 10 minutes And it got to the point where we literally said fuck it This is too complicated Simply responding to something created so much frustration anguish and anxiety for us both Have any of you felt the same way when it comes to dating apps? What how we should respond, you know There are all these coaches that will tell you when they say this you should say this and when they say this You should say this and when you should say this they should say this and I'm like, oh my god Do you realize how effing complicated it is to communicate with another human being? I shared with him something I once wrote to a woman. He goes dad It was all about you and I'm like Like really I didn't see it that way. I thought I was just being inquisitive And it's interesting how his perspective and I've shared things with women that I've wrote and they're like No, Jonathan. That wasn't a good idea and I've shared things with women. They go. Oh my god. That's a great idea But I was afraid to say it you know, we are swimming in a sea of Of confusion when it comes to understanding human beings particularly in the area of building attraction with someone but more importantly understanding These love attachment styles and more importantly understanding the love languages Are you familiar with the five love languages? If you're not familiar with the book by gary chatman I highly recommend checking it out get links below to get the copies of all the books. I recommend There's five primary love attachment styles or excuse me not love attachment love languages. Okay, please forgive me So there's words of affirmation Now if you're a leo like me, it could be words of adoration We do like to feel adored and I'm saying that a little tongue in chic So words of affirmation quality time physical touch acts of service and gifts I'm going to repeat that Words of affirmation or adoration for us leo Can anyone relate to that quality time physical touch access service or gifts Now we are talking today about avoidant men Now why are we talking about avoidant men? Avoidant men particularly have a very difficult time expressing their emotions. Okay They fear being controlled. They fear being suffocated. They have difficulty showing their emotions They're sensitive to criticism. And as I said earlier, they have low self-worth Okay, avoided men are probably the most complicated man to be in relationship with Because they literally folks have duct tape over their mouth duct tape over their mouth In other words, they don't show emotions. They are very stifled when it comes to being expressive to their partner So and I'm very familiar with this I've been in relationship with women who are very They have difficulty expressing their emotions. So this isn't singular avoidance aren't singular to women or to men Women can also be avoidance okay avoidance Are really they really have a hard time expressing themselves. So they're partner they fear They have the same fears. It's just a different side of fears for them So I want you to imagine that your love language. How does an avoidant Speak what love language do they typically speak in? They typically speak in physical touch Or they typically speak in acts of service or gifts Okay acts of service or gifts Now it seems to me anxious people like myself and since avoidance attract the opposite Avoidance attract anxious and anxious attract avoidance Predominantly speaking now within I forgot to mention this earlier within avoidance There is fearful avoidant and there's dismissive avoidant and with anxious. There's disorganized anxious, you know So there's like subcategories within each. Okay Again, if you want to learn more about it check out the book attached. Okay to understand these subcategories avoid since anxious People tend to need words Anxious people tend to need words and they tend to want quality time or regular time regular Communication because they fear abandonment. Okay And the avoidant most likely has a difficult time expressing words Chances are if you're an anxious attacher You probably need constant reassurance constant words constant expression Okay, and the avoidant has difficulty being expressive actually leaning into your love language Now one of the things I recommend early in the dating process is to go Google five love languages And take the test to find out what your love language is now I have three primary love languages just to give an example. I am words of affirmation or adoration. Okay I'm physical touch And I'm quality time. Those are my three top ones with the words being the first I'm not big on act. I like as much as I appreciate acts of service. I'm not big on it and gifts I am so like I don't need gifts. Okay avoidance tend to be more physical touch acts of service and gifts most Most frequently that's what they are Now I'm going to say this is anecdotal on my part. I have not read this I am speculating here based on thousands of hours of speaking to my clientele Listening to them share experience. So this is not a fact. This content today is purely my supposition My my theory About love languages and avoidance. So I don't have any I did not watch any videos to back this up I'm merely speculating now. Tell me if you're familiar with the five love languages and you're familiar with attachment style And if you're an anxious and you've been with an avoidant does what I'm saying seem true Because it is very clear to me the avoidance have difficulty Speaking in the love language of an anxious person most often Now here's the dilemma we're faced with You know, you could read the book with your partner and make requests To have them speak in your love language And this is the critical piece that I'm about to share with you So I want you to pay close attention right now. This is really really important Now a client of mine sent me a meme this morning and I want to read it to you It is from Steven speaker Stefan speaks. Does anyone follow Stefan speaks? Okay? He's a gentleman that has a youtube channel with over a million subscribers He gives great content talking about a variety different things particularly for women His name is Stefan speaks and he had a meme or a quote that said the following Be careful who you start dating A lot of people are look aren't looking for love. They are looking for help Let me repeat that be careful who you start dating a lot of people aren't looking for love. They are looking for help And why I'm bringing this to your attention. This is critically important Is because depending on how wounded the man is You have a greater chance of ending up in the following two categories the following two categories with him And you're not going to like what I'm about to say But if you're with an anxious or excuse me an avoidant man You'll probably end up in these two following categories category one Is there's a good chance you might be a placeholder in his life a placeholder for companionship connection and sex companionship connection or sex or You might be a placeholder as a therapist in his life the more broken a person is They are seeking companionship connection and sex But most importantly they're seeking a therapist in other words your feminine energy Fills a void going on in his life the more wounded a person is and these wounded people typically show up as the following They have had a contentious divorce They are in the midst of a contentious relationship with an ex They are going through some struggles in their professional life Maybe they have struggles with a um with a family member. Maybe they have a A parent that's in assisted living facility Maybe this person is going through health issues The more unstable his life is He is in need of a therapist And here because of these devices do you realize that dating apps? Are literally better than going to better help dot com. Does anyone know better help dot com? This is a website where you can get access to a therapist. Do you realize today online dating has literally Become a portal for therapy How do I know this because after my divorce? I spent so many hours on the phone talking to women talking about my marriage complaining about my marriage complaining about my ex Complaining about my marriage complaining about my ex complaining about my marriage complaining about my ex complaining about my professional life And to so many women that was music to their ears because they thought I was being intimate with them They thought I was being open and vulnerable and transparent and they just sucked it all in, they ate it all up. They're like, oh my God, this guy is so vulnerable. And it started to build something called artificial intimacy. You're not familiar with the work of Esther Perrell. I highly recommend, where is her book? Esther Perrell. Oh, I know the book is here somewhere. Oh, here it is. Check out the book, Mating and Captivity. Esther Perrell recently did a video. I want you to Google this, okay? Or YouTube it. Artificial intimacy, plus Esther Perrell. It's a one hour video. I think it was a TED Talk. You have to listen to it. See today, people are literally, online dating is either for hooking up or for therapy. And it's free therapy. See, be careful who you date. A lot of people aren't looking for love. They're looking for help. And I say this because I was that guy early on after my divorce. I would say, you beautiful ladies, you have this capacity to open up and listen to us men. Because I couldn't talk to my male friends. Now I'm an anxious. So I happen to attract avoidance. Do you know, I literally know exactly what my clients feel on a regular basis because I've been in that space of being with someone who doesn't speak my love language, who isn't open, who isn't expressive, who has difficulty saying, giving compliments and talking about their feelings. See, if you're an anxious, there's a good chance. Words are really important to you. Regular contact is really important to you. And if you're with an avoidant, if you're with an avoidant, giving words and having regular contact suffocates them. And the sad piece is depending on how wounded they are, okay? If they're deeply wounded, let me just be honest with you, you are shit out of luck. I mean, you are fucked, okay? The more wounded they are, the chances of relationship success is minimal, okay? See, people who've done personal development, self-help, spiritual works, people that have a higher sense of self-worth, people who love themselves, if you're not familiar with my book, What the Heck a Self Love Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help and Spiritual Work, there's a link below to get a copy of my book, okay? People that have done inner work, even if they're anxious like myself or even if they're avoidant, they are moving closer to the secure category. And I believe, most likely, who I'm gonna meet in the future is a person who's secure with a slight avoidant attachment style. And I'm a secure, I believe I'm a secure now with a slight anxious attachment style. And we're probably gonna trigger each other. But what's most important is that we've established that growth, individual growth is a primary function of our relationship in growing. In other words, going to therapy, going to workshops, reading books together, person who is at least growth-oriented and truly wants to grow beyond their limitations. So folks, I'm sharing this with you because I'm sharing my individual journey because if it closely resembles yourself, I'm here to say, I will not accept anything less than somebody who is on a growth-oriented path, a path of healing from our childhood wounds and traumas. This past weekend, I did a energy healing, I did energy healing to do breath work, somatic therapy and regression therapy. And I actually was reliving a childhood memory during this experience. Tell me if this resonates with you. But this directly relates to where my anxiousness comes from. So I remembered the first day of high school. This was the memory that popped up during this healing ceremony I went through, which was three hours. And during this deep breath work, I'm reliving the memory of the first day of high school. And I remembered I went to school that day by myself. None of my friends were, we walked to school, I can't remember why I went, didn't go with a circle of friends. And I think it's because we just didn't live near each other at that time. I was so afraid. I didn't know where my classrooms were. I didn't know anything. There was, I had no idea which building I was in. And I remember being so fucking scared, so fucking scared. And I felt being so alone. I felt so alone. Those first few days of school were so terrifying for me because it was so much bigger than the school I came from. I mean, there was three story buildings. There were multiple three story buildings. And I knew where the gymnasium was, but I didn't know where anything was. Can any of you relate to that? Being that terrified, that scared? So this has made me a rather anxious person. Now I've come to realize that this is part of my DNA. I've released it through somatic therapy. I've released it through breath work. I'm letting go of the anxious worry that I've created in my life. We all have a story similar to that. We all have an experience. It doesn't have to necessarily be our parents that impose this on us. It can come from a variety of different ways. And I'm here to say we are all suffering in some way, shape or form of not feeling good enough, not feeling lovable, not feeling likable. So here's the bottom line I wanna share with you today, folks. If you are going to engage in the dating process, then I highly recommend reading the books I've mentioned. You might also wanna read the book Wired for Love by Dr. Stan Tattkin as well. It's in the link below and books recommended. Recommended book recommendations, okay? So you can understand your love attachment style. I recommend reading the book, The Five Love Languages and recognize that you could even have this person take the test with you, but they have to be willing. They have to be willing to do the work in the book so they can speak your love languages if you have a mismatched love language. And I will tell you most everybody have mismatched love languages and mismatched attachment styles, okay? And you have to be willing, you have to choose somebody before you become physically intimate with them. I'm here to recommend, highly recommend talking about the necessity of doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work together. Before that penis ever goes inside the vagina ladies, I highly recommend having these deeper, tougher conversations. Because I'm here to say to you, what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results? You can sit back in your feminine energy and wait to be claimed, but if you are being claimed by someone dysfunctional, you're setting yourself up for failure. And if you're watching this video right now, you have no excuse to learn the things I'm recommending. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. If it is, please post a comment below or post a comment in the chat box. I'd like to hear your thoughts on what I just shared right now, okay? If you did find value in this, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well. All right, those who know my format, know for my live street format, if you have a question for me, write the word question and then post the question thereafter. Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor. Oops, over here, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. It's my son who passed away over five years ago. And his honor, I donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute and Seeds of Love, okay? So, ah, folks, if you have a question, write the word question then post the question thereafter. All right, let's see what we've got here. Ah, let's see if we have questions. Leslie just posted, hi, Jonathan, just to share. I was sick this weekend and watched the old Ethan Hawk trilogy. I'd never seen it before sunset. Recommend watching if anyone's a good relationship themes. All right. Elizabeth May has a post and says, Jonathan has such insight. Well, I'm flattered at that, I'm flattered at that. By the way, does anyone wanna join the hot seat? I'm gonna post a link right here. If you wanna join me live on this, you can join the hot seat as well. All right, question, Lindsay has a question. How do you merge finances when marrying after 40? You know, that's a good question. I would first speak to your accountant or your financial advisor. So you have a really good picture of what your finances are for yourself, okay? And I would speak to, I would probably schedule a meeting with somebody like a mediator like my good friend, Dennis Cohen, who actually, I would say that have a meeting with a financial advisor and accountant, you and your partner, lay your cards on the table. If the two of you are marrying, it's very critically important to talk about money and finances. Highly recommend checking out two books. The book, seven principles for making marriage work. Money is a big conversation in this book and also making your second marriage a first class success. It is critically important to talk about the financial components of a relationship. And if you're in the dating process, you may wanna get the book Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. By the way, chapter four, chapter four, right here. The cost of love, work and money, the cost of love, these are critical conversations. Let's turn to page 113 for a second. Let's turn to page 113. Okay, the cost of love, okay, work and money. And you might want to go to this book. What did, so these are some of the questions you might ask, what does your work mean to you? What pleasures or satisfactions does your work bring you? What does your work fulfill in your life? This is that, what about money? How well off were your grandparents? What did your parents do for a living? How well off were your parents? This is to get a family history. And then there's some more questions you might. So I highly, for how much, so there's a lot of great questions in this book. So to come back to your question, I highly recommend reading these books, being prepared, get a financial advisor in your conversation, maybe even talk to a mediator like my friend Dennis Cohen to be a part of that conversation, okay? And Lisa wants to give props on eight dates is a great book, exactly, I totally agree. All right, by the way, who wants to join the hot seats? Come on, let's get some brave person in here. There's a link to join the hot seat right there. All right, Laura says question. By the way, I've put your name, so please forgive me. How can I give up my attachment to a man I can't forget? You know, do you have a child in your life? If you have a daughter in your life, I invite you to answer that question to her. How would you answer that same question to somebody you love? How would you tell your best, what advice would you give your best friend? See, I would say one of the first things I do is maybe I would block the person on social media. I would block their telephone number. If it is causing you any level of anxiety, we need to temporarily eliminate this person from our purview, from our vision, and I would exclude them from your social media and I would block them or delete their number on your phone. Now, I know that's very difficult to do, but let me tell you something. Discipline doesn't give a fucking shit how you feel. Being disciplined is doing the grown-up thing. Do you remember when you were a child and you saw a fire and you wanted to touch it and your parents said, no, no, no, why? Because it would burn and as an adult, you know now that touching a flame would burn you. If this is burning you emotionally, then it takes the ability to regulate your own emotions and be the grown-up. It's like an overweight person who wants to lose weight. You might have that desire to eat that cake, eat that cake, but at some point you're going to have to step into your grown-up adult and be disciplined. There's discipline doesn't care how you feel. And by the way, we can pat you on the back and make you feel good, but sometimes we have to do the fucking hard thing. And sometimes doing the hard thing is deleting someone and listen, I'm not here to make you feel good about this, I'm here to be tough on you. I mean, listen, a lot of women come to me for coaching because I'm your big brother. I'm your father giving you tough love advice and sometimes we have to use tough love on ourselves. That tough love is standing in our power and saying, I will not give my power to another human being. This is standing up for yourself, making a stand for your own self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence. Is this sinking in? I hope so, Laura. All right, guess what? We have someone in the house, Lainey. Who wants to be in the hot seat? Hi. Hi, welcome. Nice to see you. Okay. Likewise. So I have an issue as with like, you know, I'm 53 and I'm realizing that millennials around age 40, they have a whole different set of skills because I was just set outside and locked out of the house pretty much all day and that raised and then- You're 53? Yes. Okay. But with these new people, I don't know what to expect because the place- Are you dating millennials? Well, maybe is a 40-year-old a start of, I don't think a millennial is 40 years old. I think a millennial is- What are they, Z? I think maybe 36 years old, but I don't think they're, I'm not exactly sure. Can someone look up millennials at what age they are? But I would say if you're 53, are you dating someone under 40? He's exactly 40. Okay. So let's forget, let's take out the terminology Gen X or millennial. Okay. What's your real question? My real question is I, I guess I feel like I'm not anxious but more avoidant and I'm not sure if they're familiar with that and how to bring up growing, but I did say on our first date that I had- All right, I'm gonna, Lainey, I'm gonna do this again. What's your real question? Okay. Think of it, by the way, forget him for a moment. Just think of what the question is. I looked up questions to ask of a new partner. Okay. And I had told him about it and he just took the phone and said, let me see the questions and he just like rattled off all the answers. Okay. And I- How did that, all right, time out, time out. How'd that make you feel? I'm surprised. Okay, let's put surprised in there. How else did it make you feel? That he was pretty open and I was burnt on my last relationship. So, but I feel like he's definitely caring, which I'm not used to. Okay, so then I wanna come back to what's your question? Like, what is the- How do I relate? Experiencing pain. How do I relate to get out of the avoidant? Okay, so what you're really saying is this has nothing to do with him. This is you being an avoidant. Okay. Okay, because that's- I don't know how to explain it. This has nothing to do with him, huh? I just don't know how to explain it, I guess. Okay, okay. So are you, do you have difficulty expressing your emotions and feelings to him? Just say yes or no. To anyone, yes. Okay, to anyone, okay. So have you gone to a therapist? Throughout my life, but not so much for myself. I had a pain therapist. Okay, have you gone to, have you ever done talk therapy? Yes. Okay, most likely, let me just say something. You experienced a trauma or multiple traumas in your childhood that has made you fearful of love, most likely. Okay, those could include where you had to be the parent to your parents. That could be one thing. Team mom. Okay, that's one of the primary things is you had to be the parent to your parents, okay? That puts you in a superior role at that point in your life which meant you didn't get to be a child growing up. Okay, you didn't get to, most likely speaking. Okay, and I'm just doing spitball here because I'm not a therapist, okay? No, that's good. Okay, but in that, what's caused, most likely caused you to be fearful of emotions, fearful of being suffocated. And what's happening is you're with a man who's being curious, he's being emotive, he's being effusive, he's being demonstrative. And that probably scares you, okay? Well, you have a choice. You can end the relationship. That's one thing you can do. You can lean into the fear, you can lean into the pain, you can lean into it. Okay? That's what I'd rather do. And by the way, that's scary to do that. It's about time though. It's about time. Okay, so, and I would recommend speaking to a qualified attachment therapist and talk about where the root comes from. I would read these books in advance so you can be prepared and start doing the individual work. What does individual work looks like? It's continually going outside of your comfort zone. It's like if you're trying to lose weight, okay? It requires discipline. It's like exercise. It requires discipline. These books have tools and resources in that. So you can, and by the way, how do you get good at something? If you want to learn piano, you just don't go to one piano class and go, oh, I know how to play piano. You have to do repetition over and over and over and over again. This could take years to get to any place. I've been working on myself for a decade and a half and I'm still scratching the ants' belly of being somewhat evolved. So you're gonna, I'm just here to say if you wanna solve this, you have to be willing to do work. And I would invite you to do 30 minutes to one hour of personal development, self-help, spiritual work every day to start peeling the layers of this attachment style so you can open yourself up because what's gonna happen most likely, this relationship isn't gonna work out. And what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results? Right. Does that help cleaning? The therapist hadn't even brought up attachment styles at that point. So I'm glad you know what you've gone through and thank you. Hey, I'm just one week ahead of everybody. I just teach what I learned last week. For any, we got Sharon in the house. So can I give you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug for being on? Love you. Oh, I'll be back, bye now. All right, Sharon's in the house. But Sharon, I see you there but I'm gonna take a question from sweet art really quickly. Okay? Question, I find hookups for most part destroy both men and women's ability to form healthy relationships. A lot of men wanna sleep around yet put women down for what are your thoughts? So, folks, I'll be very candid with you. I was a slut for the first 10 years after my divorce. I used the word slut. I was self-centric. I just wanted, I mean, I'm gonna just tell you something. Under the guise of I wanna relationship, I was habitually, I was a serial data. I wasn't a player. I was a serial data seeking the next high. And in that I was shocked at how easy women would have sex with men, myself, I mean, basically. When I say was back then it was like, it was like the Wild West dating apps were like, there weren't dating apps that were dating sites. I didn't use, we didn't use our phone 15 years ago. We use, we had to type in on AOL personals and match.com personals and Yahoo personals. And my point is I became very desensitized to wanting to connect with someone. I became very desensitized. I became, it became the next high. I, a friend of mine said, you're addicted to, you're a serial data. And I had to look in the mirror at one point when I had a humbling event where a woman told me off because I unfortunately got alcohol poisoning and I acted belligerent during a date. And she literally the next day told me like, fuck off big time. And in that I had to look in the mirror. I had a humbling event amongst other humbling events that happened in my life. And I decided to make a change. This was about 15 years ago. And in that I started to do personal development, self-help, spiritual work, started to go to workshops. But I recognized that sex, well, sex creates artificial intimacy. So there's artificial intimacy that cause from a cyber perspective, but sex isn't, can be an artificial form of intimacy because real intimacy comes from the heart. If you're not familiar with the work of Robert Masters, I highly recommend checking out the book Emotional Intimacy. I didn't know what this meant at age 40. I had no fucking clue what emotional intimacy meant. Actually, I was in a relationship with a therapist and actually through dating her, I got reparented. Cause I realized, thankfully she, by the way, she knew what she was getting into. She knew it up front. She told me, Jonathan, I'm not the right person for you to date, but I was persistent and she liked me. And we went on a journey for the next six years. And during that time, she reparented me. And I don't mean, and by the way, I was reparenting her because she had her own shit to deal with too. By the way, therapists for the record, they, by the way, the reason why people become therapists is they got a lot of shit to work on. The reason why I'm a coach, why I'm a self-love coach because I've had to work really fucking hard to love myself. I was, I can't even, I was sharing the story of high school, what happened. I didn't even tell you what happened in the womb when I was, when I, my mother had me. Folks, I'm going to share something and then Sharon, you're going to be on this, I promise you. When my mother was pregnant, prior to me, she had five miscarriages and two stillborns. I have a sister nine years older than me. Okay. And during that time, my mother was scared for another stillborn or another miscarriage. So she had all this fear, anxiety and worry every single minute, the moment she found out she was pregnant, she was infusing inside of me all of the worry and pain she had been experiencing in the nine years prior to my, of a sister nine years older. And it didn't dawn on me until I started to do personal development, self-hubbing, spiritual work that I am riddled with fear. I'm riddled with worry. And as much as I cognitively know this, it's literally infused in my DNA and I've had to work day in, day out, day in, out to peel the layers of this fear that I've had, this worry that I've had. Now it's surprising that I've accomplished so much in my life, know quite frankly, but it's taken tremendous amount of work to get there to feel emotionally free to be open. And so I'm sharing this all as we all have a story similar to that. And it is through the peeling of the layers, through the hero's journey of doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work, are we in a position to maybe attract a partner who's also at our watermark level who values a connection with the divine, who values growth and learning and improvement, who values the commitment to be in a relationship with another human being. And we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. And I'm not trying to be a pessimist on here to say, if you wanna put the odds in your favor, if you wanna, if there's potholes in front of you, by the way, check out a link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My job is to help you navigate the potholes so you don't find yourself with the dysfunctional men like I was 15 years ago. Is this sinking in? I hope so. All right, I was on a rant. Sharon, you're in the house. Hello. Hi. How'd my story resonate with you? Oh gosh, so I'm anxious and Ben with a 51 year old, not really with, that's a situation ship. For the last- How old were you? 46. Okay. For the last 14 months, I have said probably about tried to do nine goodbyes with him. Okay. And he just won't really let me go. He says, well, we can give it like a week or two week break and we can check in with one another. I'm just wondering you know, why- It doesn't sound like he's an avoidant. Sounds like he's, he doesn't sound like an avoidant. I believe he is. Why don't you tell me why? Why do you break up with him every couple of weeks? The communication, he's not consistent with his words, don't match his actions. His actions don't match his words. He tells me like three weeks ago that we, that maybe I'm just too emotionally invested and that he just can't give me what I want right now. He has this goal in two years time where he'll be financially set and then he would be ready to be in a relationship. He has not been- With somebody else by the way. What was that? He'll be in relationship with somebody else. He hasn't been in a relationship in 10 years with any woman. Well, how about any man? Oh, no man, no man either. The way you said that, I just wanna be clear. So he's probably, so I'm sure he has gone, he hasn't gone sexless for 10 years. So I'm sure he was having sex. I think so, I met him on a site, a hookup site after my divorce. Okay. And things were pretty hot and heavy, typical avoidant hot and heavy for the first like four months. By the way, you know what? I'm gonna butt in here Sharon. Sure. You're the one glutton for punishment. Not him. I know. I know. By the way folks, I'm gonna say something. What do you do for a living Sharon? I work an electric boat. It's a- What? It's part of the government. I build submarines for electric boats. Build submarines. Yes. So do you work for the government? It's part of a government job. Yes. So your employer, if you showed up to work one day and didn't show up one day and didn't show up one day and didn't show up one day, what would happen to your job? They would still go on. If I didn't show up. What would happen to your job? Oh, oh, I would be gone. Yeah, you're gone. Okay, that's number one. So consistency is part of your employment contract is you're gonna show up on time on a regular basis. Now I'm gonna assume that in your job, you're required to do some things that require writing some things out and communicating to your employees and subordinates and your superiors and all that stuff. But let's just say you decide, I'm just not gonna communicate with people in your company. What's gonna happen to your job? There's gonna be no work done. No work done. Yeah, there's not gonna be any work done. So I want you to think of this just like your job. Would you be able to keep your job if you're not consistent? No. Okay, would you keep your job if you're not communicative? No, it wouldn't be at the highest level. Why do you accept this from another human being? I know it has to do with my anxious attachment. It's the abandonment that the inconsistency that I had from my, I think my father growing up, he was there and then he worked. So is it time to heal? I've read nine books. I have your book. I have half of all the books that you've said. I've ordered them in the last year. Now you've got to do the hard part. You got to apply what's in the book. Discipline doesn't give a fucking shit how you care. This is by the way, I want you to think about there's a little girl inside of you. You're the adult. I'm speaking to the adult, but there's a little girl inside of you that's gonna get fucked over big time by this guy. I know. Do you want to deal with the pain now or do you want to deal later? What you described to me, and I'm only basing it on what you described to me, is a person inconsistent and inconsiderate. That's bullshit, okay? He dismisses your feelings. He's created no real trust with you. How can you trust this person? By the way, being in an intimate relationship with another human being, trust is a critically important component. You don't feel safe. Right. And it requires maybe, maybe we all need to come into this camera and do an intervention on you and block them from your phone and block them from your social media. And you take a break. We literally physically have to come in and take you away for a while so you can detox. Now I'm being tough on you because I could do the pat you on the back and be all precious and kind, but you have to be tough for that little girl inside of you. You have to do the hard thing. Right. Because here's the thing, no magic fairy dust is gonna fucking change this dynamic. Bearing your head in the sand isn't gonna change this. Right. And I'm sorry to be tough, but sometimes we need tough love. Why don't we be making a stand for yourself? I'm gonna tell you the most empowering fucking thing you can ever do for yourself is to stand in your power and saying, I don't want to do this anymore. I wish you well in your life. Okay. But I can say this over and over again, but you believe the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Right. I'm just wondering why he won't agree to me like- It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why. His why is irrelevant to you. What matters most is you. Why are you accepting it? I want you to sit there. And by the way, I'm not yelling at you. I'm passing. Oh, I understand. I understand. I am saying, why aren't you standing up for yourself? Write that down right now. Why is it I don't stand up for myself and declare? I want you to declare to everybody who's watching because all these people are commenting right now and they're like, what? They're sending you hugs. They're sending you love. Tell them, I am gonna stand up for myself and mean it. Because if you don't mean it, don't say it, okay? If you don't mean it, don't say it. But I want you to, if you're willing to do it right now, if you're willing to declare, I will stand in my power. I will not accept this behavior. I am ready to move on. If you're willing to say it and declare it, we're making an invitation for you right now. It's gonna suck for a while. It's gonna be fucking sucky for a while. So at the other end is a piece, a piece, a P-I-E-C-E and a P-A-C-E, P-E-A-C-E, okay? I'm waiting for that piece. I need that P-E-A-C-E. I need that. Well, then declare it for yourself. I've been wanting it for a very long time. Yeah. I don't know what it is. I've never felt this way. What way? This attachment. I never had that, even with the 20 years. Well, I'm sure you've experienced it before, but guess what? Well, I was in a 20-year, I was in a- There's just something that keeps me attracted to those breadcrumbs that I get once a week, from seeing him sitting in a vehicle and just being next to him. It's weird. The bodies are buried from here to the moon for every woman who's been holding out for an avoidant to come close to them. And when I say it's that many, by the way, we're 250,000 miles away from the moon. That's how many bodies are buried from here to there. Okay, do you wanna just be another one of those? Or do you wanna stand in your power? I wanna stand in my power, for sure. Okay, make that declaration to everyone who's watching right now. And that means just going no contact and stop. And the relationship, say this is unacceptable behavior. I wouldn't accept that from some employee at my job. I'm not gonna accept this from you. And say I'm done. I just, I need to make that really happen after the 10 times that I've tried to do it. I go there with good intentions and it never happens. And I feel like it would be so much easier if it were just to happen for good. And then he'll message me about, oh, I'm not feeling well, or my work is really stressful, or the only time he's asked me a question is when we thought I had. Let me just tell you something. You're making it all about him. You're not making it about you whatsoever. That's how you know he has your power. Because until you stand for your own sovereignty. How come when he thought I had a date last weekend? You're doing it about him. Make it about you. Why do I accept this? Say it. Why do I accept it? Yeah. Why do I accept breadcrumbs? I don't know why I'm accepting of it. I left a 20-year man I used to present. Do you believe you deserve love? I believe 100% totally I do. Yes. You believe that you deserve this behavior from him? I don't feel like I'm worthy of that. I've never felt worthy of it. I've never. It's time to really, and it's not my book I'm selling here, okay? It's time to learn to love yourself. Take a break from this relationship and immerse yourself in yourself for the next 12 months. Take a break from it all. Immerse yourself in yourself when you can love yourself. A, you'll not accept that kind of behavior, but B, you'll be able to be a good partner to someone in the future. See, he's willing to use you because he wants occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex. That's what he wants, okay? He doesn't want partnership with you because his actions don't demonstrate that. Speak to any man who's happily in love, happily married, happily in a relationship. They are consistent with their partner, okay? He's not. And I'm not only basing on what you've told me. Right. So this is time for you to immerse yourself in yourself, okay? Can you do that? I can, one last question. He has this vision. How do they know about him? I know, he has this vision because he lives at home with his 80-year-old parents, has a son who, he said that he can't let any woman into this life because the mother is a psycho. And he said, but in two years' time when he has this financial money comfort. That's what the, all he's doing is jacking you off. I'm sorry, he's just jacking you off. That's all just bullshit. It's always in the future. By the way, anyone who says I'll be ready in the future, it never ever, okay, I can't say never, ever, ever. 99.9% of the time that future never happens. I feel that it will never happen. And I don't know why I'm still here. So I want you to answer that question. I invite yourself to detach, work on yourself for the next year. And I promise you, you're still young. I have clients 66 years old that wish they were 46 years old and go back in time and be where you're at today and do this shit because I've got lots of clients that have wasted years, if not decades with the wrong person, okay? Right, I'm just getting over a 20-year marriage. There are a lot of people here envious of you. Don't waste this. Okay. Don't waste this, okay? Okay. I'm gonna send you all with a big, gigantic jot and bear hug. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. Big hugs to you. Thank you. You're welcome. Folks, as you all know, I give a lot of tough love, okay? Now, I know it's all head and it might seem like I don't have a lot of heart. I have a lot of compassion for Sharon right now. It's tough what she's going through. But I also recognize that she is completely aware of what she's doing. She has a choice, okay? We all have a choice. Thankfully, God, universe, spirit gives us free will. We are making the choice, okay? The minute it's all about the guy, you have given your power away to another human being or the minute you make it about the other person, their character matters. I did a video Sunday, the video I did yesterday, all about character, character matters. And just like Lisa Cunningham is saying, I'm gonna pray for her. Let me say this to Sharon. I invite you to pray for yourself. Pray. Pray. Give yourself the strength to move on, God, universe, spirit. I invite in the strength to be able to move past this relationship and to stand for my power and not to accept this type of behavior from him or anyone else in my life because I'm making a stand for myself. And sometimes we have to do it with such anger and such determination that we have to get angry and say, I'm gonna stand up for myself. And sometimes yelling it out is the way we get there. Yes, I'm tough love, but I also recognize that I'm sending her a lot of love too and I'm sending love to all of you that have ever felt like Sharon before. Because we don't have time to fuck around, folks. You all know I lost a child. There's a picture of Conor's right there. Life is precious. Life is precious and it can be gone in a second. Why waste one minute not loving yourself? Conor was the inspiration of my book. And I share this with you all because life is precious. Don't give your power to another human being. By the way, chapter five in my book, I just wanna share this for everyone. Chapter five in my book, okay? It's really, this reminds me of Conor. Read that chapter. Don't let anyone fuck with your chi. That reminds me of my son. He had this incredible power not to let other people affect his ability to genuinely love himself. At least I'd like to think he loved himself. And so I'm here to say to Sharon and everyone else that's felt this way. Look, I know we could be all kind and sensitive but sometimes we need a kick in the ass. That's what my content is for. If you want the sensitive stuff, go to other people. My job is to wake you up and encourage you through some tough love. Anyway, Sharon, you've got a lot of love here on this channel. They are rooting for you and we are rooting for you. So we invite you to jump into your power. All right, this will be our last. By the way, I see Brian is in the house. Brian, are you willing to get on camera and say hi to everybody? Sherry wants to remind us all we don't have time to waste. Life is a vapor. Time evaporates quickly. Indeed. All right, let's see. By the way, one of our Facebook members wants to say, actions speak louder than words. And we have to demand to be treated better. Tell him when and if he's ready to be serious, he can come back and see if you're available. Tell him it's time for you to care for yourself and being with him in this situation is not good for you and you want more than he's willing to give. Yes, make a stand for yourself. Folks, being with an avoidant attacher fucking sucks, okay? Anxious people, at least we try, okay? We anxious people are desperate, we tie. We might suffocate you, but at least we're trying, okay? I'd rather two anxious people get together because two avoidant people has got to be a miserable relationship. But that's probably a transactional relationship. Did you find value in this video if you did, I want to hear your thoughts, post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. And if you did find value in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and please hit that notification bell so you can be notified new videos. I want to thank all those that donated today to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. We made a whole $7. I would have liked to make 50, but it was good that we made $7 tonight. If you want to donate before we wrap up or if you're watching the live, if you're watching the replay, please hit that super thanks as well. All right, we're going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give him or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I want to thank Leaves and Sherry and Margaret and Brian and McCoy and Kim and Alexa and Susan and Sherry and Lisa and Julie and Brian, if I haven't already said so, paltry flowers, Alexis, Melanie, sweet art, sweet art, not sweetheart. Everybody, thanks so much. Have a fab evening. You be well. Bye now. Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye.