 It's make new friends, but keep the old. I'm so surprised you know this song. One is silver. And one is gold! Shit! I know this song! That's why I will say the one regret to have about that video is we weren't actually friends then. No! No, and I didn't have any intention of becoming your friend. Oh really? This video is done as a follow-up to a video that we did almost two years ago after we very first just resolved the conflict and now it's an update on how we have built a friendship on top of that resolve. And speaking of building, I am so proud to say that this video is sponsored by Squarespace, a place where you can go to build your next big idea. This video is sponsored by Squarespace. With Squarespace, you get to control and customize your content to fit your brand this 2020. From websites to online stores, Squarespace provides easy-to-use templates to build your presence online today. Squarespace is what we use for chance personal sight and the game of desire. Go to squarespace.com slash amputee to start playing around for free and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. When you watch back that old video, what stands out to you? What do you wish you did differently? Or are you looking at that? Like, oh, that was a moment in time that was true to how I felt. Hmm. I was, you know what? I was at the time, I can remember, feeling slightly nervous only because I felt like, okay, I hope this is gonna be okay. Like, I hope that will be fine. I hope this doesn't like re-spark us. We weren't actually friends then. No. No. And I didn't have any intention of becoming your friend. And not in a negative way. Okay. But just in a way that, I think that's a change that's happened in me recently where I even tweeted about this, I'm like, I really don't like fast friends. Yes, yes. I don't like fast relationships or fast anything. And so I just become a lot more guarded and slow. So not all the time does coming back together mean building something on top of that? And I think that's one of the things I wish I expressed in that of, hey, if you're watching this, this doesn't necessarily mean that every time that you make peace, you have to then build something on top of that. Yeah, because I think that's where it actually gets risky. I think you really do have to recognize that though there is a familiarity with the person, they are new to you. And so treat them like you would a new friend. Gentle would be the word that I would use in terms of what I think to include them in or what I wear or how much I don't think to push. I think just kind of let it be. I trust my intuition. If somebody pops into my head, I'm like, oh yeah, I should invite them to that thing. I should include them in this thing, but I'm not like, okay, how often have I spoken to her? Has it been two months? Have I called her every other week? It's like, but at the same time, I think what I wanted was, I more so wanted you to feel comfortable. I was really conscious of that because I did feel like I was the one that initiated our breakup and that was the person that made it happen. And so for me, where I am and where I was at the time of us having the conversation was like, I just want Shannon to feel like she could do whatever she wants. Yeah, that was kind of I think why for me. I was so weary because we had a very dramatic breakup. Yeah, super dramatic. And then I didn't speak to you at all. I would see you at events. We would not speak to each other. And then you emailed me this email that was like pretty generic and you sent me and somebody else the exact same email. So I was like, okay, there's no real like investment here. So I emailed you back. I'm still thinking that you're angry. And then when we met up, you were like so relaxed. So like you're exactly how you're sitting right now, like joking and light. And I was just carrying all this like heaviness and fear and just confusion. And so I'm like, how is it that if you've gotten to this place where you're so cool, like why is it taking this long to get to this space? And so why all of a sudden now are we just good again? And so I think I was so mistrustful of your optimism in many ways. Yeah, like I don't know. I was in this really unique space prior to that email. And just asking myself why and what I could have done differently. And then I remember seeing you and being like, why don't I talk to Shannon again? Like having no concrete. Like it wasn't like, oh, she stole my money. That's it. Like I had no she slept with my boyfriend. Yeah, that's there it is. I had nothing that I could remember. I could only remember that I had animosity at the time. I often say like one of the greatest fallacies in that we give people as advice is the key to happy relationships is communication. Because that does not speak to the fact that it's a specific kind of communication. It's a skilled communication. And so you might actually be expressing what your needs are, but you're doing it in a way that rubs up against the other person. Like I even know with you and I when we did communicate about what we didn't like, it was in bitch text. Yes. Like you're this, this, this act. I'm like you're this, this, this, that. Okay, hold up, hold up. I had to pause the video real quick. I hope you guys are enjoying the conversation, but I wanted to give a little shout out to our sponsor, Squarespace. Here's a little info. I know building a website can be daunting, but Squarespace makes it so easy. Even for me, who doesn't know how to code, I find Squarespace very user friendly. I mean, if you're a fan of this channel, you probably heard us brag about Squarespace because we literally use that for every website we build. But let me tell you some things that you may not know about. 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At the time in my immaturity and I think also, I think both of us like egos. I just think all the things we just didn't know, not having the tools. When I look back, I'm like, what the frick? What were you on? I'm like, was I on like a really bad period? Just like the most moodiness. I'm like, what was happening? Because I'm like, for sure, didn't need to be that dramatic. You know what I think we did? I think we made the classic mistake of when the relationship starts going sour, trying to increase the intimacy. So you know when a couple tries to get married to save the relationship or have a kid? Like we had a kid. Yes. And we had a kid. We were like, we're not happy. Let's start a pilot. Let's start selling things. Give me money. Invest more. And it was like, no. It should have been the opposite. Yes. That's why I'm like it really should have instead of like, if those things instead we should have just been like, let's take a friend vacation. Like let's go do more normal things because I think that's where you know, we've talked about this like we genuinely lost sight of what was the core of our actual friendship. But unfortunately too, we didn't have like, like we didn't have like an older mentor or something like that. You know what I mean? Like just like or even just a woman that got what we were after. If you could be the older mentor to us, what would you have said to us back then? Oh, I would have, I would have really wanted to have a sit down and, Which we never did. Never did that. Yeah. If I met two girls at the time doing something like that, I think I would easily be like, let's just have a sit down and talk about what's bothering you. And I think that at that time we were just becoming increasingly different. But you know what? I'm like, I don't think we were necessarily becoming different now. But I do think like you said, I think major life moments were happening to both of us. And I know at that time I really did not know like, how to just have a boyfriend that I really like and my best friend. It creates the perfect storm because something I know about myself now, and I have to really watch myself with my relationship with Jared, is that I so deeply want a twin almost. Like I remember growing up desperately wanting my sister to look at me like you're my first pick. Okay. I've always like wanted that from her. And so I felt like with you, I had that. Yeah, yeah, we did have, we did have that. And that might be the danger zone that we were also in. And that's the thing. It's like it's not actually healthy for me to try to like look for that. Like a duplicate of me who's like, always wants to laugh when I want to laugh. Always wants to hang out. Always wants to eat. Like I fight on this with Jared all the time about like I'm really obsessed like sinking up bed times. Like we go to bed the same time I wake up. And he wants to get up earlier right now. And I'm like, I can't because I don't. No, no, don't leave me behind the bed. And that's a part of my personality that I think I'm more mindful of now and trying to create parameters around. What I'd say now, what I think is very unique with our relationship is though we were apart, it felt like we both grew in ways that we needed to individually. But they were almost like parallel on the same page. So that it was, it was okay for us to come back five years later, however much, because we're not so, you know, sometimes you have that conversation. Like you'll have a friend you haven't spoken to and then you have a conversation with them. Great, but you're so far removed from them now. It's like, cool. Glad I got that off of my chest, but now you don't have any real reason to connect with them in any way. I'm like, I actually didn't feel like that with you. I felt like we just were like, oh wow, what a unique, what a unique relationship. I never stopped missing you as a friend. Like there are some people that maybe you stopped talking to that much and you realize it was just habit or routine that kept you with that person. And with you, it was just like, I never stopped missing the quality of the connection we had and never stopped missing the jokes, like the way that I felt around you. I always say a big part of relationships is obviously loving somebody else, but it's loving who you get to be in life. Like the person, yeah, yeah. In a way, it was almost like trying to like manage my own heartbreak of I think why I was so resistant in the beginning. That makes sense. That makes perfect sense. I'm like, that's why we were on different sides of the coin, right? Like where I felt the same way, I never stopped like actually missing or thinking about our friendship or even those girls are wild where I always tell people, I'm like, I love those girls are wild. I still love those girls are wild. Those girls are wild is my favorite thing ever. Those girls are wild in its heyday was just like a complete 360 reflection of everything I loved at the time, including Andrea and my friendship with her, which really was like the center and the heart of the blog. It was, it was fun. I love those girls are wild. I still do. I feel like we went from acquaintances, like no, we went from frenemies to okay, fine, just fine. And then I feel like we built like an acquaintance relationship and I genuinely consider you a friend now. Yeah. To continue to build the relationship. What would I think it would be needed to go further? I'm very aware of like, oh, we are friends who know each other already. We know the core of what this person likes or doesn't like. But at the same time, I'm also aware of the fact that Shannon may not know certain things anymore about me or certain things may trigger her to feel like this that or the other. So explain yourself always, always explain yourself, explain I'm on time, explain I'm not, explain I need to change. Like never just assume with her and that to me is kind of, I think going to be the maker break with our friendship. I remember you pissed me off when we first did that like redo video together, the remake up video. Oh. Because of lack of communication. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was me assigning what I felt about you five years ago into a situation now. And it's like, unfair to you in many ways because how are you to know that, because that's a normal act that's kind of just, it was an innocent act. Yes, yes. But I'm associating it with a five year. But yeah, again, right? Like, because that's the thing, you have to be hyper aware of the fact that the person, though they are trying, they still do have this thing on for you. And so certain things will trigger those responses. But I also think we're killing it. I genuinely do. I think we are mastering it. I'm like, I think we are totally going down just fine. And I also, that's why I think we both have had such huge events happen to us that allowed us to be aware of who we are, what we are, what we want, all those things, and be vocal about it. Be perfectly fine to express ourselves. And that's why we're capable of being friends now. Aware, old us. No, would not have been able to do that by any means. We would have been holding onto the shit. We would have been waiting for the other person. Would have been setting traps. And in the courteous way possible, I genuinely want to let you know I deeply love you for who you are. Thank you. I want nothing from you, except for you to have the best life possible. Oh, thank you. I feel the same. And I'm just grateful to be in reflection of you and however makes sense. Oh, thank you. I feel the same. I truly feel the same. That's what I mean. I like, especially like with your book, I genuinely told people about it. And then you know, you know, when you know people and they're like, always been. She's always been. I would say that a really big difference. And I think that I feel this way 100% now. I did not feel this way at the other video because I couldn't have. But in our 20s, what was beautiful about our friendship is it was so much based on need, but we needed each other at the exact same time in the exact same way. Because we didn't have great romantic lives and our career was going through different fluxes and we were trying to figure out ourselves as adults in the world and we were each other's sounding boards. And now as an adult, I don't need anything from you. And I really feel that we don't need anything from each other. Yeah. I mean, that's given me an aha. I'm like, because now I realize why I probably am having a good adult friendship time. Because I'm like, I feel like any of my core people, any people that I've enjoyed is because I don't feel like I need anything from them. I feel like I'm getting to just like a person for who they are. We have the most unique friendship. Yeah. I genuinely think so. I think even now, when I think of you, it's like I still think that we could be, not even that we could be, that we're going to be something new. A newer version of what we once were. And it will be like that little blip will look more like a hiatus. Losing a best friend is probably one of the most emotionally traumatic things that I've been through. With a husband, with a wife, with a boyfriend, a girlfriend, I don't think a best friendship can be looked at any smaller than those things. I think they feel the exact same. You're like in the same amount of heartbreak and mourning. Before you decide to reconcile or rebuild a friendship, I think that you should really ask yourself, can I be different? Ask yourself what you want out of this, why you want to rebuild it, why it's important to you, what expectations you have. Redecide who you are and how you want to show up in your intimate relationships. And when you feel confident that you can do better and be better, that's when you decide to try and open that door again.