 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. And here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Ruse, and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First, a word from RCA Victor. Do you know that for just a few dollars, you can double the enjoyment you get from your radio or television set? Yes, for just a few dollars, you can enjoy the advantages of an expensive phonograph combination with an RCA Victor Automatic Victrola 45 attachment. This inexpensive record changer can be attached to play through any radio or television set. In fact, if your set has a phono jack, all you do is plug the attachment right in. It's as easy as that. And best of all, the Victrola 45 attachment costs as little as $16.75. Or if you want to play all speeds, RCA Victor also has an Automatic Victrola three-speed attachment. With its standard center spindle, it plays 33 and 78 RPM records. And for your 45s, you simply use a handy slip-on spindle. So see your RCA Victor dealer soon. Either one of these dependable RCA Victor record changers will give you hours of pleasure and enjoyment for many years to come. Ask for the Victrola 45 or three-speed attachment by RCA Victor, first in recorded music. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. At one time or another, most of us have misplaced an insurance policy. And that's just what has happened in the Harris household. So as we find Phil now, he and Elliot are hunting energetically through a lot of things that have accumulated in the attic. Curly, this is a lousy way to spend a beautiful sunshiney day. If we weren't up in this dusty attic searching for that insurance policy, we could be doing something worthwhile. Like what? Well, several things. We could be out shooting lizards with my new pellet gun. Or we could be driving my motorcycle up and down the steps at the girl's entrance of Hollywood High School, with me standing up on handlebars. Or we could sneak in to see Rita Hayworth and Sadie Thompson. We've seen it already eight times. Yeah, but not real clear. Every time she does that dance, it steams up my 3D glasses. Not mine. I got windshield wipers. Hey, there's that fishing reel I couldn't find. And look here. Hey, here's this, Curly. Elliot, put that down and keep looking for the insurance policy. But what is it? That happens to be my uniform that I wore when I was in the Navy. Gosh, Curly, it's all ripped. Were you wounded? Well, I never told you about it before, Elliot. Because, well, I ain't the kind of a guy who likes to talk about himself. Beginning when? All right, if you really want to know, you can look it up in the Navy records. I led an invasion. And the battle was terrific. Gee, Curly, I didn't know. Was the battle successful? It certainly was. After seven grueling days, we took an island away from two sea lions and a goonie bird. Curly, you've told that story so many times, you're beginning to believe it. Well, what am I going to tell my kids that I spent my whole Navy career as a lookout? But Curly, there's nothing to be ashamed of in that. You've got to go where the Navy sends you. Eh? Just what does a lookout do? Well, I don't know what the other ones did. But I sat in the crow's nest, and whenever we crashed into another boat, I'd yell, look out! All a matter of timing. I looked in the pockets of this uniform. The insurance policy ain't there. Oh, gee, if I can't find it, it might be pretty serious. I hate to think of the consequence. There'd be nothing left but hunger and destitution. Nothing but stark, miserable poverty. How big a policy is this on your life, Curly? Oh, it's not on me. It's on Alice. You realize what would happen to me if that sweet, dear little girl got a cold or something, and she couldn't make the trip to the bank every week and come home with that shopping bag full of loot? Yeah, be pretty serious. You said that right. How true. I might even have to go to work. But of course, there's always the music business. What's that got to do with you? Let's face it, Curly, with your musical talent, you couldn't be Bubble Boy with Lawrence Welk. I could burp better bubbles than the guy's got. Let me tell you something else, LeRoy. I still sell a few of them Victor Platters. Don't ever worry about me. I'll be selling- Yeah, I was getting worried about you, too. You've been up here in the attic for hours. Honey, I've been looking for that insurance policy that I took out on you with the Philadelphia Mutual. Oh, didn't I tell you, Phil? I put that with our other policies in the bank. How much insurance have you got, Curly? He hasn't got any. And I'm not going to let him put it off another day. Phil, you're going to call Mr. McCauley the minute we get downstairs. Say, what are these, Phil? Letters tied with a blue ribbon. Now let's put those down. It's just some old correspondence of mine. These look like love letters, and they are. They're from somebody named... Who's Emma Jean Tussie? Oh, Alice, that's ancient history. She was a girl I knew casually. She didn't mean much. We sort of fooled around together for a while. Well, it was never anything more than just a platonic-friendly romance. Yeah. You'll find a whole thing in the Navy records. Yeah! Very good, very good. Who is Emma Jean Tussie? Alice, I'm telling you, she meant nothing to me. Just nothing. I don't doubt that. But I'm going to read one of these letters anyway. Alice. Listen to this. Dear angel hair. I wanted you to have a picture for your wallet, so I'm enclosing a snapshot. Oh. Oh, no. Now, Alice. Oh, Phil. This is Emma Jean? She must weigh over 250 pounds. That's baby fat. Just baby fat, that's all. Let me take a look at that monster. Good gosh. You know, Curly, it's things like this that are ruining our highways. Okay. All right, now you've both had your little fun. Now will you kindly give me back my letters? I will on one condition. What's that? Well, I wasn't fooling about that insurance. You've got to get yourself insured right away and you can't put it off any longer. Okay, okay, it's a deal. If you won't tell anybody about Emma Jean Tussie, I won't tell anybody you used to sing duets with burlives. Oh, you're kidding. Now go on, go on downstairs and take care of that insurance. Okay, it's just as good as done. Hello, Macaulay speaking. Oh, hello, Mac, it's Phil Harris speaking. Oh, hello, Phil, how are you? Oh, fine, fine. Say, Mac, I've been looking over my papers. I've got plenty of car insurance, fire insurance, stuff like that, but I don't seem to have any insurance on my life. Well, I realize that, Phil, and you ought to have some. Yeah, yeah, that's what I figured. So why don't you send me a $10,000 policy or two fives, you know? Just drop it in the mail. Wait a minute, Phil, we can't give out insurance like that. The company has to take into consideration the risk involved. Look, Mac, I don't drive my car fast, I don't go skiing, I don't fly on no airplanes. What risk are you talking about? Phil, you're still singing, that's what I like about the South. Yeah, but I do it now on a Pogo stick and I'm a tough target. Well, Phil, if you're serious and you really want a policy, I think we can accommodate you. But with a policy of that size, you'll have to pass an examination and, truthfully, it's pretty rigid. Look, I'm not worried about that. Look, Mac, you're forgetting. I got Indian blood in me. I come from Pioneer Stock. Why, my great-grandfather came across the desert on foot. In fact, he discovered the first water hole. Maybe you've been through there. It's now called Chaser, Arizona. It's just 18 miles north of what'll you have? No matter. Look, Phil, I'll tell you what we'll do, just for you now. It's not usually done, but we'll send a man out to your house. And all you have to do is pass the examination and answer a few questions in our standard insurance form. G.S. Swirlmack, that's mighty nice of you. Goodbye. I could go astray. I thought that I could hold you with all my many times. But then one day you ricochet to someone else's arms. And, baby, I don't want a ricochet romance. I don't want a ricochet love. If you're careless with your kisses, find another turtle dove. I can't live on ricochet romance. So, no, not me. If you're gonna ricochet, baby, I'm gonna set you free. I knew the day I met you. You had a role. I thought that I could hold you. What a fool. I was to try. You promised you'd be faithful and you would never stray. Then, like a rifle bullet, you began to ricochet. And, baby, I don't want a ricochet romance. I don't want a ricochet love. If you're careless with your kisses, find another turtle dove. I can't live on ricochet romance. So, no, not me. If you're gonna ricochet, baby, I'm gonna set you free. We announced our mighty proud. I whispered to us company, but you preferred a proud. You buzzed around the other girl. Just like a busy kitty. And when you finished, buzzed and cussed, you buzzed right back to me. And, baby, I don't want a ricochet romance. I don't want a ricochet love. If you're careless with your kisses, find another turtle dove. I can't live on ricochet romance. So, no, not me. But the insurance examiner will be here this afternoon. You've been putting this exercise routine off for the last four days. For a $10,000 policy, you got me in the pink. Elliott, this is no major problem. Look at me. I didn't have any trouble getting into these bathing trunks. I still got a waistline, ain't I? Yeah, but everything above it is a slide area. Well, just read the first exercise. Curly, why don't you just ad-lib the exercises? Why do you have to take them out of the Boy Scout manual? Look, them Boy Scout exercises kept me in shape when I was a kid, and they'll do the same thing for me now. Now, go ahead. Read the first exercise. Okay. Take the left leg, wrap it around the right leg, then pull them both up in a square knot under the whiskers. I'm on the wrong page. That's how to skin a musk rat. I got the right page now. How to keep fit physically. Oh, Curly, this is a cinch for you. It says, start by bending your right elbow. Very funny, huh, Curly? No, it ain't. Stop the world, and I'll get off. I know a nice exercise. Just get into a nice reclining position. Like how? Well, lie down flat. Yeah. Roll over on your face. Okay. That's it. Now, spread your arms straight out. Like this? Yeah. Now, relax and get real limp. What are you throwing down there? None of your business. Left leg up, left leg back. Right leg up, right leg back. Left leg up, left leg back. Julius, get your business over with and beat it, will ya? Now, what's the next one, Elliot? Uh, stand up, Curly. Well, that should be easy. Okay. Now, put the left hand on the left hip. Yeah. Put the right hand on the right hip. Yeah. Now, stand way up tall on your tippy toes. Now, what'll I do? If you don't fly away, I'll be disappointed. Talking, we gotta change grocery stores. Alright, if you must know, I'm getting myself in shape for an examination. I'm picking out an insurance policy on my life. Yeah, if anything happens to him, it'll be worth $10,000 to somebody. Ain't it kind of risky putting it in the form of an inducement? Hey, as you get a $10,000 life insurance policy, you... I suppose he went down in the basement to punch that punching bag some more. I hope he isn't too tired so he can't take the insurance examination. This is probably the man now. Well, fellas... The door was locked, Mom, so I had to ring the bell. Well, uh, what are you doing home so early from school? Mom, the most wonderful thing happened. The teacher's going to let me skip a grade. Really? Yes, I'm gonna get a school board test this afternoon, and if I pass it, I'm going to be in the eighth grade. Oh, how wonderful. Aren't you proud? I sure am, Mom. And the teacher said there's no telling how far I can go in school if I just get Daddy to stop helping me with my lessons. Well, Daddy does get a little mixed up on some things. Yes, I made a bad mistake in history class. Daddy told me that Columbus landed in New Orleans. Well, that's all wrong, honey. Columbus sailed for America, but his first stop was the Canary Islands. That's what I told Daddy. But he said that in New Orleans on Saturday night, everybody is a Canary. You better take that test. You better go up to your room and brush up on your lessons a bit, huh? Yeah, I'd better. Mr. Baxter gives some pretty tough questions. Mr. Baxter? Yes, he's the man who's coming from the school board to see if I'm smart enough. Well, all right. I'll let you know when he gets here. Okay, Mom. You know, I'd better get busy and tidy this living room up a bit. Hey, honey, I want to ask you something. Okay. Wait a minute. What's that you're carrying? That's a rope, Alice. Curly's skipping rope like fighters do to get in condition. It's great for improving your wind. Yeah, but I can't seem to get that rhythm. What is it that kids say when they're skipping rope? Oh, you mean one potato, two potato, three potato, four? Yeah, but what comes after that? Well, fellas, is upstairs? Why don't you ask her? Yeah, I'll go up and ask her. Is she one potato, two potato, three potato? You know, Elliot, the way Phil throws himself into these things, I sometimes wonder if he's got all these marbles. Oh, he's got them. They're just all rolled over to one side. I guess it'll all be worthwhile if he ends up with some insurance. I'll be in the kitchen, Elliot. I've got a couple of pies in the oven. Yeah, okay, Alice. First the tide rushes in, till it's up to your chin. I don't know who'd answer the doorbell around here if it wasn't for me. Then the tide rushes out, till it's up to your... How do you do? My name is Baxter, Horace R. Baxter. I'm here to give an examination. Oh, yeah, Curly's been expecting you. Come right in. Thank you. Won't you step into the living room, Mr. Baxter? Oh, yeah. Well, this is a cozy room. Oh, quite a lot of books on the shelves. That's always very encouraging. May I look at some of them? Oh, sure. The chanting book collection. Freddy the Frog. Tom Swift fights the space monster. And Gingerbread land with Bobo Baba and Boo Boo. Who reads these books? Curly. He likes Bobo and Baba, but Boo Boo is his favorite. Because Boo Boo can touch people with his magic wand and change them into brownies. Does this Curly believe in the little people? Believe in them? He sees them. Well, I guess you're anxious to get started with the test. I'll call him. Hey, Curly! Yeah? Hey, Curly, come on in here. Okay. One potato, two potato, three potato, four, five potato, six potato, seven potato more. My mother told me to take this. Oh, I didn't know anybody was here. I was, uh, uh, skipping a rope. So I see. And very well, too. Oh, you think that was good. You just look at this. Ibbity bibbity, sipity sap, Ibbity bibbity, cannibal. Ibbity bibbity, cannibal. Yeah. You see, I knew you were coming, so I was getting ready. You're ready. You know, I really thought when I was sent here that I was to examine someone else. Oh, no, no, no, no. Curly, here's the guy. He needs it. He certainly does. Well, they've given me some strange assignments, but I have the initial right here on the questionnaire. You are P. Harris, aren't you? Yep. Ain't another one. I guess we'd better start the examination. I had instructions to start with a more advanced test, but I see I'll have to revert to one more elementary. Fortunately, I have the elementary test with me. I don't want you to hold nothing back. Don't worry, I won't. Are you ready for the first question? Yep. Very well. What does the mookow say? Huh? Am I going too fast for you? I don't get it. Of course you don't. With some it does come more slowly. Now, we'll try the second question. I'll say a word and then you say the first word that pops into your mind. Wait a minute, what's this? We've got to cooperate. Now, here comes the first word. Cup. Saucer. That's good. That's quite good. Foot. Shoe. Money. Dollar. Nickel. Girl. Uh, just one moment. How could a nickel remind you of a girl? He used to go with a girl who was built like a Coca Cola bottle. Look, mister, I don't understand this. I didn't expect this kind of an examination. Aren't you going to listen to my heart or look at my chest or hit me on my knee with a rubber hammer? No, but later we may tap your head for echoes. I've come up against some problem cases in my time, but this tops them all. Well, let's try one more question. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, hi, Alice. Uh, mister, this is my wife. How do you do, Mrs. Harris? I'm Mr. Baxter from the Los Angeles School Board. I'm afraid I have the unpleasant task of giving your husband the 10-year-old intelligence test, and he hasn't... Oh, dear. Mr. Baxter. Oh, Mr. Baxter. It was my daughter, Phyllis, who was supposed to kill me. Oh, Mr. Baxter. Hey, yeah, that's very funny, Mr. Baxter. Imagine giving me a 10-year-old intelligence test. What does the cow say? Dear children, this morning we have someone new in our class, and I think this is the proper time to give them a hearty welcome to the eighth grade. First, we have the little Harris girl. Are you glad to be with us, dear? Oh, yes, Mr. Stevens. I'm so thrilled that I was promoted to this class. And now for our other new student. Well, aren't you glad to be here? Well, I may get used to it, but so far it's been uphill all the way. Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. The music you hear on some radios may sound like this. But over an RCA Victor, that same music sounds like this. The reason? RCA Victor's famous Golden Throat. The Golden Throat is an exclusive tone system that enables an RCA Victor radio to produce the finest quality sound. And basically, sound is what you're really buying when you buy a radio. That's why it's important to get an RCA Victor. Only RCA Victor has the famous Golden Throat, your assurance of studio-clear tone year after year. The proof is in the listening. Drop into your dealers tomorrow and hear his wide selections of fine radios with the Golden Throat by RCA Victor. This is Phil again. Folks, I'd like to add my bit to the many things that have been said about traffic accidents. Close to 9,000 lives were lost during 1953 in motor tragedies. Who knows how many lives could have been saved if traffic rules and speed limits had been observed. Remember this. If you gamble behind that wheel, you're betting your life. Thanks and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribe were Fletchkark and Peter Lee. The part of Julius is played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC Radio Network presentation. That's the quartet from Rigoletto, one of the selections in a new album, Opera Without Singing, recorded by Arthur Fiedler in the Boston Pops Orchestra. As its name implies, this unusual album offers you a rare opportunity to hear the music of great operas without the words. Ask for this unusual RCA Victor album, Opera Without Singing, at your record dealers now. Now hear John Cameron Swayze and the news on the NBC Radio Network.