 Does Amy Chua, the original Tiger Mom author, actually now regret being so hard strict and having such high expectations for her children? Let's talk about it. What happened? Amy Chua, you're the original Tiger Mom. Now you want your backtrack. Backtrack, you're not going hard enough. Yeah, like the number one rule to being a Tiger parent is that you must be a Tiger parent forever. Yeah, this is kind of going viral right now. It's titled Tiger Mom. Amy Chua reveals biggest regrets in her strict parenting journey. Of course, 10 years ago, Amy Chua Yale Law Professor became famous for, you know, talking about how she was a strict mom using Confucian Chinese values. It was very controversial, Andrew. She did not let her kids have sleepovers. She demanded straight A's, hours of music practice every day. She would use negative reinforcement. However, Andrew, she went through a life-threatening illness and almost put her on her deathbed. And that caused her recently to have some regrets about some of the negative reinforcement tactics she used on her daughters to motivate them. Right. So maybe, I mean, maybe right here, there's a lot of people are discussing like what's the balance or how, what's the best way to raise your kid. Obviously, every family is different. But anyways, we're going to go through the comments section. So please hit that like button and check out other episodes of the Hot Pop Boys. But real quick, Andrew, you know what you do not need to be a loose or a strict parent to enjoy? Smala Sauce, our very own finishing oil. You can still buy it at SmalaSauce.com. It goes really well on just about everything. Such fun, assistantly guys. I'll say this man about Chinese parenting, because I know these videos, they always go viral. And a lot of people that are Chinese or had a very conventional Asian upbringing, like in a stereotypical Confucian way, they like, they have a lot of thoughts on it. I would say that this is something that if you went through this experience, you have strong opinions on it, both in a pro and a con way. Yes. Because it's such a like unique experience that is so different from like the American Hollywood high school upbringing. I would say this in a generalized sense, Andrew, these are my four tenants of Chinese parenting philosophy, both the pros and the cons. I would say number one, the future is everything, not the dopamine of the now or present. No, that's definitely like probably a Confucius quote somewhere where he's just like, yeah, do not enjoy life until you've made it and then only enjoy life a little bit. And I would say that this runs counter to the work hard play hard of the American ethos. And I think that that's what's so hard for kids with this ultra traditionalistic parenting style, this like growing up in America and your roommates is doing, living like Greece lightning or high school music or whatever. Point number two, Andrew, sacrifice and suffering are everyday experiences, not just once in a while things. This is the very true in the concept of Chinese culture, cool. You have to eat a lot of bitterness and this is like normalized. Yeah. I mean, eat bitterness. That's not even a saying in the West. I feel like, like, I think they do kind of have some saying where like, yeah, you're gonna have to struggle through things or every journey starts with a lemonade, right? Actually, every journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step. I actually think that is Confucius. No, it was. Yeah, that's that's a Chinese one. Man, yeah, I agree 100%. Tenant number three, like I said, there's pros and cons of these of Chinese parenting. Children's judgment is viewed as categorically inferior to the parent's judgment. Yeah, I think that this is usually true if the parents are educated or know what they're doing. If your mom is Amy Tra, that might be true. If your parents are Yale professors, then I think there's a good argument that they are they do have better judgment than you and most things or if your parents are like successful entrepreneurs or or self made. But but I feel like it feels like sort of misapplied sometimes, right? Depending on your family situation, your parents may not necessarily understand the West or they might not even speak English. And I feel like this is where the kind of some of the disconnect or the resentment can build up possibly. Yes. Tenant number four, Andrew, Chinese parenting culture is more about providing a floor than a ceiling, which means the parenting style is usually designed to mitigate the worst outcomes such as joining a gang, becoming a degenerate or a drug addict living on the streets, but not necessarily becoming a super self fulfilled, like wildly successful creative. Yes. So you're saying it's more based around the fear of dropping to the bottom versus the aspirations to fly all the way up to the top. Yes, I think so. For most Chinese parents. Yeah. And I think I would agree with these. I think these are these are pretty defining of Chinese parenting. Obviously, you don't have to be Chinese to abide by these. I think lots of other even immigrants, families abide by these, but it's very common in the Chinese and I think that that's why Amy Chua, her book, I didn't really fully agree with it because she's not really stressing that her and her husband are these like rich, you know, kind of Americanized. I think, you know, she's Asian American, her husband was a white Jewish guy. And it's like, it's tough to, I'm not saying that parents looked at it like a how to book, but they definitely should not because the personal stats, it matters so much in the execution of these plans. Right? Oh, yeah. You know, I think the resentment really gets built up when you as a child are going through all these strict parenting and you don't know why and you don't fully respect your parents because maybe your parents haven't sold you on the mission or they haven't sold you that what they say is for sure going to lead to a good life. Exactly. If you are constantly questioning a lot of what they say and you'd be like, yo, I don't think my parents know what they're doing in America. Like they're kind of clueless. And then you're forced to do what they tell you, bro, that's a bad recipe. I don't support that. Even though studying eight hours a day for a test, it will get you A's on the test though. If you, but it's not necessarily the most efficient use of the time. And yes, you might rebel when you get older. I think where Chinese parents really mess up is that they don't necessarily provide a dopamine or a serotonin or endorphin release outside of the studying. And they just expect you to be like a brainiac or like a math lead where you're like, they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you get your dopamine from the algorithm or from reading the book or getting the knowledge. But it's like, what if you're just an average human who doesn't derive heavy dopamine from that? Yeah. Yeah. And I think the missions are different because I think for a lot of parents from China or from Asia or from a certain background, a lot of them were able to put their heads down and study for like four to eight to 10 years to achieve those degrees, even when they didn't love what they were doing because their mission was so strong. So when the kids don't have that strong of a mission, you can't push them that hard into something that they don't want to do without them resenting you. You know what I mean? So it's just, it's a hard balance, but we'll talk more about it in detail. I'm not gonna lie, Andrew, growing up in Chinese church, you meet a lot of kids who got good degrees who like at least somewhat resent their parents or at least resent their childhood. I think raising successful kids, though, as another quick take, Andrew, there's no really one way to do it. It does seem like there are methods, though, would you agree with me where the probability or the probable outcome range is more likely to be successful? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's just like a stock, right? It's like, you're like, I'm bullish on it, but I don't really know. I mean, if you want your kid to never do drugs and never do certain things and then get good grades and you made me pick between raising them strict or relaxed, I mean, logically, you would pick strict between the two. But I think it really ultimately has to do with like what is at the top of the mountain peak that you build for your family? The values or the priorities you coach them on, Andrew, once basic needs are met, let's just say level two to level three on Maslow's hierarchy of needs is already taken care of. What does four, five, and six even look like? What do you put? Is it conventional success? Is it spiritual success? Is it just personal happiness and release of serotonin and you're just happy all day for, you know, you could do this or you could do that. It doesn't really matter. Is it just the release of the happy chemicals? But is that for the family to decide like the family kind of needs to set that standard on what is happiness? Oftentimes, how to value happiness? I will say this. Oftentimes, Andrew, the parents are like the initial programmer that programs a program. There may be later people who come on in or you might start programming yourself, but your parents typically are the initial coder that build your code. Anyway, let's just get into the comments section. Andrew, somebody said, I was raised to relax rules. I'm doing fine. Me and my daughter, I just tell her to try her best. And someone's like, yep, some people do well, relax rules. Some people don't. And someone said, yep, thanks you for letting us know that you and your daughter live in mediocrity. That's a pretty obvious from your comment. Maybe they're happy though. Do you think that if people are sitting on the couch watching Netflix together, so they're not necessarily being a productive or attacking life, but they're happy? Is that right or it's wrong? It could just vary per family, right? Yeah. No, I think that ultimately, if you have a good relationship with your family, then the kids will generally do the right thing. And that is at least going to create for a healthy kids. Now, whether or not they're monetarily successful, we don't know, right? But that doesn't matter to a lot of families. Right, right, right. Not everybody is raising their kids to be Spartan 300. Everybody's Napoleon. I mean, I got a lot of friends who are starting to have kids. And I'm asking them like, you know, for me, I'm like, I don't have kids. I'm, you know, I'm like, oh, bro, what kind of expectations are you putting? Like when the baby's born, are you like imagining all these things? What iPad programs are you giving them, bro? Like what do you hope they become? And then a lot of them, even that they were raised with stricter parents, they're just kind of like, you know, right now I just want them to be healthy. And like, I don't know, maybe I'll think about that later, but maybe I won't. And I was like, oh. Yeah, but their parents probably were not thinking like that. No, they didn't. This guy said that I feel like people who are really strict on their parents, like my neighbor teaching him five different instruments, putting him in every sort of academic program. They wanted him to be a surgeon and a doctor. He went into Cornell and he ended up dropping out to live out of his van as a jazz musician. He rebelled. And that's what normally happens when parents act like dictators. The kids rebel. Right. So I guess, but is there any way that it would have stopped him from being a jazz musician if he really does love doing that? Or what, if they didn't push him as hard, the musician, the lessons might have given him the skill set to even become a jazz musician. Or maybe because he feels so robbed of his childhood, then he quit to be a full time jazz musician in rebel versus being a jazz musician on the side. Right. Like what is his motivation at his court? What is fueling his fire? We won't know just from this comment, to be honest, and we nobody will know. I'll say this, man, I think a lot of times it comes down to execution. When you are strict on your kids and you're trying to micromanage everything, that's a very intense system. If you don't do it right and I'm talking about like there's a very slim margin of error, a very little leash leeway, then you are going to get a very strong backlash. If you run an intense system, you get intense back lashes. If you run the lack of a system, which is like whatever goes, then your kids are almost going to have like they could end up great or end up completely not or just have like no forward movement at all. Right. So that's why generally, I don't know, for me, I would say if you made me err on strict or super loose, duh, I'm going to go pick strict. But of course it all comes down to the execution. Somebody was saying, well, you know, like I know some people who didn't really try hard growing up and they ended up fine. Maybe it was just one out of the three kids and not all three kids, but what's so wrong with that? Somebody was saying like, you know, basically picking the loose approach and then letting other life factors outside of the parenting home just decide the destiny. Yeah. I mean, it depends on your environment. I mean, obviously, listen, Amy Traus, she's a Yale professor. Her husband, I believe, is a Yale professor. So it's like being raised by two Yale professors. If you're the kids, you got to understand like, yeah, they know some things. Yeah. At least about their world, you know what I mean? So I think that that kind of respect was kind of built into that family system, which I'm saying is not present in every family. But generally, I would say this, man, if you want kids to go to the NBA, the way to guarantee that they all go to the NBA is be a parent like LeVar Ball. You know what I mean? Like, you know how I always say like Asian parents, they're almost like LeVar Ball, but for academics. Right. Like I've very, very, seldomly seen somebody go to the NBA without trying hard. Maybe you could say Javeil McGee probably didn't try too hard. He had tried it like a medium level instead of a super hard level. But generally to do incredibly hard things that are in competitive fields on a curve, you got to try hard. Yeah. You got to be put in the systems and you got to run those systems. Yeah. But I think a big part that listen, any Asian parents out there, and this is just my opinion, you know, I haven't raised a bunch of kids. So I'm just like coming off the top of my head. But I just feel like that a lot of parents need to think about how they're going to get their kids to respect the mission and respect the parents. Like if the kid fears you and lives under your rule and you rule with an iron fist, then they just fear you. But that doesn't mean they're going to buy into the mission. If they buy into the mission, I guarantee you there's going to be results. But if they don't buy into the mission, but you make them do it, then they might resent you and it might all fall apart later anyway. Yeah. And sometimes immigrant parents, they come with an inherent built-in mission for themselves, but they can't necessarily recreate that mission in the chicken. Yeah. Because a lot of let's say you're an Asian person, your parents are from Asia, right? And they come from like a modest background, but they worked hard in academics to then come to America to study. And then they automatically think that their kid is going to feel that hunger to like that immigrant hunger to come to America and just put your head down. But it's like, dude, you have to understand the kid's not thinking the same. So that's where a lot of that, you know, miscommunication is. And we got an interesting story. We have a friend who is a like a Jewish, from a Jewish family, Jewish dentist family and his parents told him growing up that he was going to need to make it because the cash flow was running out constantly and they were going to lose all the assets. But the parents may have been exaggerating that financial situation, but it actually created this fire inside of that kid to keep it going and burning just as hard in the second, third jet. It kind of made him. Work a little bit more like an immigrant because they instilled some of that almost immigrant team mission, the fire underneath this, the where it's like, you need to do this and we need you kids to come out because you guys are going to have to take care of us. And even if that's not fully true, that's what they pitched him on. And that's actually really funny. I guess that's not the worst mission to have. Like, I guess how would you feel as a kid if you were raised to believe that you're going to have to become successful so you can support the parents. But as it turned out, they were going to be fine without you, right? They had assets. But is that going to hurt you? I mean, ultimately, man, for me, at least I'll perceive it. Maybe it's because, you know, we're second gen immigrants. I'm like, Hey, man, whatever got the job done. Yeah. Listen, it's hard to raise kids when you don't have that situation. It's hard to recreate that situation. You know what? Whatever gets the job done without ruining your kid's life, psyche. I don't think kids have to have fun all the time. I don't think that's true. But whatever, without ruining your kid's life. Right. You're saying as long as the mother boy does not all rewired and hackneyed and stuff like, yeah, it was a little fib. It was a little exaggeration. It was a little embellishment. If they don't hate you or hate themselves, how bad was it? Hey, man, Amy Chua didn't put that in there. Just lie to your kids. Lie to your kids about your financial situation. Anyway, let's just get into our takeaways, Andrew. You know what was interesting? When you're faced with mortality and this whole article is about how Amy Chua had a health condition that caused her to reconsider, I think you really start to even take a more zoomed out bird's eye than where you thought you were. You know, you thought, oh, this is the widest I can zoom. I think when you're on your deathbed, you zoom another notch than you even thought had available and you go, man, what was this life all about? What was I really playing for? Is this life that serious of like what I put at the top of the mountain? Because I told all my kids to be top tier, motivated mountain climbers. But what did I put at the top of that mountain? Right. Right. Yeah. And I think that everybody puts different things, right? And everybody is going to get different dopamine. You know, I made this video a while ago called How Your Life Is Like Video Games, and it's kind of like, Andrew, some people are chasing side quests. Some people fail to launch. They get stuck at the base summit, but they could be happy there, too, depending on it. Some people feel like, you know what, I'm going to go do side quests once I climb to the very top of the mountain in a regular hardcore Mount Everest way. Then I'll do the side quests, but some people, they go straight to the side quests. Right. Or some people are like, you know what, I'm going to go build the games at the side, like if I could be a club promoter for the rest of my life, I'm like building a career in the side quest zone, because that's where like I never, my summit is to build the best side quests for everybody. So I guess what I'm saying is, man, it's really, really variable. And it just depends on each person's family. So anyway, guys, let us know what you guys think in the comments section below. I mean, I don't know. What do you think about people resenting their Asian parents after all that we said, if they executed the strict game plan wrong? No, I think if you're a tiger parent with higher EQ and you still watch for that and you still show that your kid's warmth and that you love them, I think that is a much better way to be a tiger parent, honestly. And I think, I don't know. I imagine being not a tiger parent, because I don't, I don't believe in that fully, but like being kind of strict. Like I don't like, I want to, I want to have rules for my kids. Like I'm not going to believe that my kids know better than me up until at least they're like of a certain age. Then I'll start taking into consideration. You know what I mean? That's how I feel, because I grew up here. I understand America. I understand what life is about versus, you know, it's tough. Sometimes people have clueless immigrant parents and they're still strict. And if you do resent your parents, Andrew, I hope that people out there, and I know there's a lot of people, because there's a whole Reddit forum called Asian Parents Stories, where everybody just resents their parents. I hope that you can understand that they made mistakes in their intensity approach. A lot of mistakes, but you could forgive them. Yeah. I hope that you could forgive them. I mean, listen, it ain't never going to make it right, but you could forgive them. Let us know what you guys think of this Amy Chua regret in the comments section below. We encourage debate. Until next time, we're gonna hop