 So this morning, I saw a title on one of my contemporaries pages, how absence plays with a man's emotions. Is that what playing with ends emotions? And I thought, actually, I could relate to this on a number of levels. Also, I appreciate his assertions that, and I'll just get to the quick on it, that absence can trigger anxiety within a person. And within that anxiety, they actually begin to want to lean forward to a person. And when they begin to lean forward, they tend to forget all the, say, bad things that might be happening in the relationship because they're operating from a place of gratitude that this person is back in their life. So I want you to think about this for a moment where you've been in a relationship with someone and all of a sudden they've taken space from you. What happens to you sometimes is that might create anxiety within you. And you're going to want to have this desire for closeness. So the idea is if you take space from a guy and he's feeling this anxiety, he will want to get closer to you. But is really this really the case all the time? Because certainly if you are in a relationship with a person who is emotionally constipated, emotionally unavailable, maybe he has an avoidant attachment style. And we're going to talk about attachment styles in a moment. Is he necessarily going to feel the same things you might feel? Now I share this with you because I think one of the reasons why I can relate to my clients so well is because I have what's known as an anxious attachment style. And if you're not familiar with the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I highly recommend reading this to learn the three primary love attachment styles. And within these three primary love attachment styles, there's variations within, but there's anxious, avoidant, and secure. Anxious, avoidant, and secure. And so I happen to have an anxious attachment style, meaning I get needy in relationship. It's kind of funny because I jokingly, my girlfriend I jokingly say she's the guy in the relationship and I'm the chick in the relationship because of this anxious attachment style. Now, let me share this with you. I have been working on healing this for a very long time in my life. And so if my anxious behavior used to be like an eight, nine or 10, now it's probably a two, three or four. I still feel it. It's still a default in my life. And it certainly can trigger my emotions. And so when there is space between myself and my partner, if there's just a disconnect, it can trigger a lot of stuff within me. So it's kind of interesting because this totally plays into this title. Right now, my girlfriend has taken a trip to Africa. She had a 13 hour flight to get to one spot and another five hour flight to get to another spot. So literally it's taken a day and we have had absence. We have had time apart. Now what's interesting is, and I think you're going to find this really interesting couple things. First off, I'm actually appreciating the space apart because I will tell you that first off, I'm in a long distance relationship and quite frankly in a very short period of time that long distance is going to be shrunk because she is moving out here to Los Angeles. And that's within a five month period of us meeting for the first time. But, you know, and we've spent concentrated time together and then time apart and during the time apart, I'll be candid with you. Getting on the phone every evening to connect has felt like a chore. It's really felt like a chore and the reason why I'm aware of this is right now because of this absence that we have, this space we have. I'm actually appreciating that in the evening, I don't feel this pressure of getting on the phone with somebody and don't get me wrong. I really appreciate getting on the phone with her. I really appreciate connecting with her. But it feels like just, you know, things like how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day versus what happens when we're physically together. We're doing things together. We're going out. We're meeting with friends. We're meeting with family. I really, I think men tend to appreciate experiences more than talking on the telephone. In fact, I did a video about why how men don't necessarily bond on the phone. So this time apart has given me kind of a break, which I appreciate and my emotions aren't going through the roof because I feel more secure in this relationship. Now, why I'm sharing this with you, I think it's really critically important to lean into a feeling of being of a secure attachment style. I forgot to mention when I mentioned the book attached, the three primary attachment styles are anxious, avoidant and secure. Anxious, avoidant and secure. Anxious of those people that freak out during space. Avoidance, freak out when there's too much closeness. And secures are like, look, I'm going with the flow because I trust this relationship is going to work out. So it's interesting how I feel a sense of calm during this absence, if you will. Now, let's rewind a few weeks ago after one of our visits. And when she returned back to her home, I felt a disconnect from her. Now, this wasn't physical absence. I began to feeling a disconnect, like because we were so lovey-dovey during our last visit here in Los Angeles. And then after that, I felt a disconnect from her. And that triggered all of my stuff. It triggered all of my wounds of abandonment. Primarily because my mother, bless her soul, she did the best she could as a mom. My mom had a habit of giving love and taking away and giving love and taking away and giving love and taking away. And what I mean is whenever she got angry at my father, my brother, my sister, myself, she would go stone cold in the household. She would literally for about 72 hours just literally go stone cold. Now for her, that was her way of regulating her emotions whenever she got triggered. But I want you to imagine a 4-year-old, a 5-year-old, 10-year-old, 12-year-old boy having their mom emotionally disappear, even though she was physically there, she would emotionally disappear. All her lovingness or kindness. And as a little boy, that triggered my fear of not being good enough, not being lovable, not being likable. In fact, I'm wearing the t-shirt Self-Love Club and it reminds me of my book that I wrote. What the heck is self-love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-open spiritual work. By the way, there's a link below to get my books in the description. What I'm sharing this with you is I've spent a tremendous amount of time, hours and therapy working on this stuff between my mother and myself. And I have plenty of father issues too. I've done the Hoffman process, I've done Insight, and I only share this with you is to heal the anxious or avoid an attachment style, requires some effort, requires making effort into wanting to learning how to regulate one's emotions. So I was sharing with you how I felt a disconnect between the two of us. I could feel like maybe she was pulling away or at least that was the thought in my mind she was pulling away emotionally from the relationship. Even though we had made plans that she's moving out here, I felt like, is this really going to happen? All of my anxiety started to play with my emotions. Now, I could have behaved in the immature way of trying to fix it, trying to fix it, trying to fix it, trying to fix it, trying to fix it. And when I say immature way, it's because it's the little kid inside of me saying, Mommy, love me, Mommy, love me, Mommy, love me. I had to learn to manage my emotions internally. This isn't easy work, folks. It takes a tremendous amount of self-discipline to regulate one's emotions. This is why I continually recommend book after book after book after book. Now, what's interesting is we ended up having a conversation of what was coming up for her. And she had, this was several weeks back before she was leaving for a trip to Africa, is it she had to plan the trip? There were so many details to take care of. There was all of her own anxiety was coming up about the trip, malaria pills and visas and this thing and I mean just a lot of stuff. And then also planning for the move. So her head space was focused on that. Now, while I'm sharing my personal experience because I jokingly said, I'm the chicken, the relationship, she's the guy, my suspicion, the same thing happens within men. What I mean to say is you've experienced a guy who's got a lot on his plate and it triggers all of your anxiety and such. This is why I come back and I really recommend reading this book, recommend reading this book so you can learn how to regulate your emotions. Because this idea of intentionally taking space to activate a man's insecurities and maybe he'll come back in a place of appreciation may or may not work. I don't suggest playing games with another person. What I do recommend is being more intentional in the process of getting to know one another. Folks, I feel like the reason why my relationship is working is because first we began on a foundation of radical honesty and we laid our cards on the table. I'm going to repeat that radical honesty and we laid our cards on the table. It starts by understanding emotional intimacy. This is why I recommend the book by Robert Masters, emotional intimacy. Folks, you're all craving that relationship where a guy really bonds with you. I get it. You're craving for that. Well, guess what? Men don't know how to create that bond. Men focus on sex and they do focus on being with someone that feels good with it. Listen, when I say focus on it, we're hyper focused on sex. It just is. I'm going to say I'm a horny guy. I'm hyper focused on sex. But also because I want a committed relationship with, I take the actions of wanting to spend regular time with a person. A man who genuinely cares about you is going to invest time in you. Certainly there's going to be the sexual component. And lastly, he's going to step up in an area of commitment. And what I mean to say, he's going to desire commitment with you. This idea that you can play games to mess with a guy's emotions might temporarily work on a person who might be emotionally constipated, emotionally frustrated and it may not work. I'm not recommend you play this game. I want you to understand what happens internally within a person. More importantly, I want you to understand what happens internally within you when you're feeling this. And this is why I'm a big proponent of establishing early on some a framework of how your relation. If you're going to listen, if you're going to have sex with a guy, you have every right to establish some set of agreement, some set of parameters, some set of standards for the relationship. This is why if you ever watch my channel, I say. Before you ever have sex with a guy, read chapter one of the book, eight dates by doctors, John and Julie Gottman may invite him to read it to it's about trust and commitment. Because what's lacking today in the dating realm is a level of a desire to commit to another person because and I know you're going to hate what I'm about to say. But that old adage why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free, which really means is today sleeping with someone is so much easier than it was in the past. And there requires little or no investment other than just saying I want a relationship. Ladies, when you're on a date with a guy first date, and he says he wants a relationship and you say me to you go oh you're on the same page but are you really on the same page? Because if you're like me, you want a relationship where you spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in your personal and your professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy leading to either moving in together or getting married. That's a relationship. It's one type of relationship. And his minor relationship is well, I just want to see her on my back and call I just want to call to come over and have sex that's the relationship I want. Understanding the context between the two of you is hugely important to determine if the two of you have potential for a serious relationship and I'm going to assume all of you watching this want a serious relationship. This is why if you watch my channel, I habitually recommend book after book after book so you can be better prepared because folks, I know you love the idea of just sitting in your feminine energy and letting a guy claim you. It just seems so great. If he doesn't know what he's doing, how can he even claim you if he doesn't even desire commitment, how can he even claim you. And by the way, you don't want to be claimed anyway. You would like to be partnered with someone I'm assuming. This is why I continually say you are in charge of your relationship destiny and I'm man. It's sadly women give their power away to men. This is why I habitually now recommend the book. I don't love all of the book but a good chunk of it. The book is why men love bitches and bitches stands for babe in total control of herself. Yes. And yet women give their power away to men habitually. Let me share you ways women give their power away. Here's some notes on it. The relationship is on him his terms you abandon your standards and boundaries. You're afraid to speak your truth with him. When the relationship ends all you do is focus on him instead of yourself. You're waiting for him to initiate contact for that need of validation. You stopped doing your pre relationship life your interest your activities your friends. After meeting a man you feel like you can't live without him. And you think this other person is the only person in the entire universe that you'll have chemistry with. Those are just some examples how I habitually see women give their power away. Folks if you want to land a quality guy I really highly recommend you change your approach. And when I say a quality guy I merely mean a guy who's going to show up intentional. He's going to desire commitment. And he's going to want to pursue you beyond the surface. By the way one of the things I do as a dating relationship coach. Is to help you learn how to determine which guys are serious versus which guys are going to waste your time. In fact there's a link below to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. And while I share this with you I just want to share with you something personal here for a moment. That's how I feel like my girlfriend landed me if you're interested in this. First and foremost she started with a quality representation of herself by the way we met on match.com. Also she was on millionaire match to she had a quality representation 30 great photographs of her doing what she loves which is traveling. Thankfully she won't have to post these Africa pictures because she's in a relationship with me quality representation herself. She made herself available easy to connect with and meet she wasn't difficult she wasn't always busy she was very easy to connect with. She was open to exploring a relationship making time to actually want to be and I can see so many women don't make time for a relationship certainly guys don't make time for a relationship. Number four she's not attached to the outcome meaning. I'm not responsible for her happiness she didn't give her power away to me in fact that non attachment might seem like what we're talking about she's the guy and I'm the girl in the relationship. Number four she loves her life and she strives to be her best she lives life on a love based version of life and not a fear based version of life. She's grateful for all the blessings in her life and lastly she showed me her little kid that weird side of her that makes me really appreciate her because here's the thing about absence. But I'm learning while she's gone. I just seem to be appreciating her more and more I appreciate what we have. I'm not on the dating apps swiping looking for someone while we're apart. I'm appreciating this person that's the emotion you want to have triggered is when there is absence is to lean into appreciation from a healthy perspective. But folks and if you're not able to achieve that secure relationship as talked about in the book. Attached you're going to have a problematic relationship. So this is why I'm a big proponent as I said before start with radical honesty laying your cards on the table and learn emotional intimacy together because that's going to build the deep roots of trust between the two of you. Some of the ways to build that trust as I said earlier is social activities hobbies mutual interest and spending time with family and friends. Those are the the this is throughout history how the real deep roots of a relationship are formed when you're physically together on a regular basis. And so when you're apart you don't have to freak out because you built a secure attachment with a person and not an anxious attachment with a person. And so while I appreciate the fact that we all listen this is a work in progress. Okay, this is not I don't think healing is ever final until maybe moments before you pass away. This is a work in process. And I invite you to lean into your own emotions. So you don't get so chaotic in your life, but more importantly, choose a better partner right from the get go. And that's where my help and support can come in. Is this resonating with you? Is this content resonating with you? Please let me know. If it did, please hit that thumbs up. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel if you feel like this is making a difference. And I think this would be a good place to wrap up. All right. So I'm going to wrap up as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic job of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone at that. That'd be very pillow and give it or them a hug of love. Here's a teddy bear because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now. Bye bye.