 It's been two weeks since I hadn't recorded anything and hi, hello to you guys and welcome back. Hi, I'm Lydia, I'm 22 and I talk about mental health on the internet because well I know how isolating it is. So today's video is a life update, what's going on, what's coming. In my last video I talked about lamotrogene and how I'd gone from 25 to 50 and the whole rash scare that I had. I'm still on 50, I'm upping my dose next week to 100 which anxiety. You know, the thing is I'm coming down on my quick type here while I'm increasing the lamotrogene. So during the day I am more alert but at night I'm finding it really hard to sleep and stay asleep. I've been really jumpy as well and my anxiety has been ridiculous. Yeah, it hasn't been fun. The reason I haven't filmed is quite simply my confidence just got fucking knocked out of whack and every time I tried to film I was too shaky, too anxious, did not say and it just didn't ever. There has been a few stressors and things that I want to talk about in the future, but for now I know. This week I have finally received my final paisley which covered a food and the short story of that is it literally took for me to get a salizar and basically say if they didn't pay me I was gonna see them and it literally took me to CC in the salizar I had been talking to to a message to the person who ultimately was in control of my contract. To anyone who doesn't know I used to work for NHS test and trace, I do it anymore and there's a huge part of that I will talk about when I have worked out how I can talk about it without breaching data protection. Yeah, I finally got my neuro appointment through. I've been waiting for that for a month and I've been waiting to get this letter to start the neurology things which if you don't know you can literally see I've got a lump on my head there and it's been getting bigger the last few years and this year it's my GP actually bought it other thing as in like I've been on migraine medication for three years and it hasn't significantly and I did vlog a whole thing where I was trying different migraine medications and ultimately as I sit down I take Alma trypsin which is in migraine medication and it's you know you can't take it every day. I do sugar with migraines I have done pretty severely for the last few years and I said this year it's from my GP who then said it might be something more and as a lot of you know I underwent cardiology investigations and the result that wasn't great it is a life-changing but it definitely shocked me and the neurology thing is terrifying because I've been told what they think it might be and I literally cried even though it's not likely to be deadly or ever it is terrifying having a literal growth on your forehead that you can physically see and feel that it's not actually part of your skull and that's not great you know I am trying a lot of them in it I am constantly trying to work on myself and keep up with learning to health and yeah starting this Lomarch gene is just and the reason it's been hard is because I am already very paranoid anyway I do receive treatment for that and take medication for that which is fine you know to anyone who doesn't know I take lanazepam I'm prescribed lanazepam to take three times a day two zero point five tablets and then one milligram at night. This has been one of the things that I do want to do in this because my medication is pretty much the same other than lowering a few things in the Lomarch gene. Nothing significant nicocin has actually changed with regards to YouTube I have been wanting to post but because of I hate talking about this I feel like people are getting sick of me talking about this because of the trolling that goes on across all my social media I find posting sometimes extremely anxiety provoking and today is actually like literally about an hour ago I scrolled through Twitter and it got brought to my attention that someone who posted another photo like between me and Becca both have photos being re-loaded and dead from someone who I have openly said is a complete troll I stand by that I posted on Twitter this is what I posted it's not okay to post someone else's pictures without permission privacy laws exist for a reason and unless you have someone's expressed permission you cannot upload, reuse or do anything with a photo that does not belong to you whether it is copyrighted or not under privacy laws it's not okay and just morally it's just so fucked and it's really sad actually that someone spends their time like posting photos that I post while bragging about being on government benefit why not use the energy that you are putting into trolling into getting a job you know the logical thing I don't want to call that because it's not even like it's just me the fact is when you when you start breaking privacy it affects people and today it was a picture that won't post by me that was posted by Becca and it's just fucked like don't do it there's no justification for doing that it affects people and it hurts whether it is delicious whether it's not it doesn't matter you are using that image without permission the intended purpose for not the intended use of that photo if you didn't take it and you don't have permission you do not have them right and I will say this any pictures that mine have been posted have been reported any pictures of Becca's that have been posted have been reported and the only reason I'm talking about this is because it's not just me that it's affecting anymore because if you don't like me that's fine I can I can live with that you know not everyone likes everyone and I have opinions that other people disagree with and that's fine that's what makes us human but it is not okay to use that as an excuse to friggin bully people harass people or anything I am a 22 year old who shares her experience with mental illness and physical hell and like generally I do this for the simple reason of I know mental illness is isolating and if I can make one person if I can make one person feel less alone I've succeeded in doing what I want to do that is the whole reason behind me starting my social media that was everything behind everything I've ever shared I've never posted videos tweets or anything with malicious intent I'm not that kind of person there have been so many allegations throwing at me and I can just prove them all but at the end of the day I shouldn't have to I just like anyone else have a right to privacy whether I post my life online or not that doesn't really I still have a right to privacy and I would appreciate that being respected which currently by these people it's not and yes I am sharing that use names they are malicious people and they are people who aren't kind who take advantage of people and you know what it's just not fucking okay and I'm sick of defending myself on twitter I'm sick of making videos where I have to talk about things that I don't really want to talk about I'm sick of people thinking that I post things maliciously when I don't the reason my videos have always a different subject when my medication changes it's because I'm a real fucking person that doesn't make me less than or an attention seeker that makes me a 22 year old sharing her experience which countless other people document their recovery you know I'm someone who's been bullied my entire life I can take insult I don't really care um but when you stop hurting people around me I will defend them and I don't care what I have to do to achieve that send a tweet when you send a message you cannot take that back that has been said and that will hurt someone which is why I always say if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it we don't want to hear the negativity we don't want to get harassed we don't want to be trolled we're only really told we're attention seeking just because we're open like I talk openly about my diagnosis change which fucking shook my entire world I've shared what being in a hospital life is at worst moment and I haven't done that for me it is not easy to sit there and edit a video where you are watching yourself cry where you are listening to yourself feeling so shit when I look back on videos I'm like oh my god I've changed a lot since a lot of my videos were posted and there's one reason sorry it's got a notification from food um you probably now wonder what I've seen that's why far away it's not okay to you publicly berate anyone like I said I have a right just as much as anyone to defend myself and yes I also have a right to block people and people say this a lot like videos blocks anyone who discursive in that whatever you know I block people who upset me I block people who do offend me and I block people who harass me I don't have to put up with it and I'm not going to no matter who someone is I don't care I will always always protect myself and those around me and there have been so many times last year where I've been like do I even want to bother with social media and last year I came very close to just and I'm glad I didn't I'm glad that I stuck it out and I'm glad that I've carried on sharing my story sharing my experiences because mental illness is isolating and especially given the current world situation it is isolating and I know that you know and you know what I'm not gonna say I'm perfect I've made mistakes but can you honestly sit there and say you haven't people seem to think that just because I have an audience just because I have a certain amount of followers it means I had to follow some sort of rule book and that is not how it is at all I'm very open about the fact that I struggle and I'm very open about the fact that I don't have a ton of money sitting in my bank account and in times of need I will ask for help and that's I think I'm not gonna apologize for asking for help when I need financial support either and you can ask people who didn't eat money I refund acknowledging it I'm not that kind of person yeah this has been my little update and videos are returning I am trying to upload as often as I can but mental illness medication changes it's not easy but I'm trying and that's what matters thank you for watching this video and I'll see you guys soon with another one if you are new subscribe and if you're interested my patreon is linked down below or if you want to support me some other way all the information is in the description down below even a like or comment literally makes my day so thank you to those who support me bye guys