 Mr. Masharia, what is the best way, the easiest way, you can define to somebody who is not very sure what toxic parenting actually is. Thank you. A toxic parent is any parent who has issues with themselves and they transfer them negatively to their siblings. That is the best thing, yes, to their children. Yes, it can be either from the mother to the daughter or vice-versa from the father to the son. And unfortunately we don't have what we call a perfect parent. All of our parents, including me, we have really messed up on one way or the other. What about when we all say, I have the best mom or ah, my dad is the best. It's a bubble and sooner it bursts and you are faced by the reality. For example, I thought my dad is the strongest guy and one day I realized now something is wrong. And that beat me and made me feel like I have lost a grip. Sometimes your parent may good on one area and frobs on the other. Now we are talking about the throbbing side, which affects you terribly. And that is what we are calling the toxic parent. Because if they are very good, we could have maybe a different name. But now this toxic is more like, it's not the X factor. The X factor is when a man loves the mother so much until his next relationship, we will look for the characteristics of our mothers. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about both parents or one parent who is toxic. One, they are either very controlling. They control everything from your phone. Someone calls you and she's like, oh, hello. She has just left. Who are you? Who am I talking to? Are you sure you should call this time round? And then you come in and, mom, what are you doing? Why are you picking my phone? She's like, wait a minute, hold on, she's here, but make sure it's only one minute. And you're like, mom, what? That's it. You feel constricted. You feel like you're shocked and you can't talk. Because one word to write, be a frat gate of verbal insults and a lot of groud work and groudings. And you feel like that little child who wants you to run away and you're a grown up. So that is a toxic parent. They control you and they have no boundaries. Yes, I was just going to say it seems like a toxic parent doesn't have a boundary. They keep crossing lines they shouldn't have crossed. They do things that they shouldn't have done. They don't know basically when to let go, when to stop. And that's interesting because I wanted to talk a little bit more about the characteristics and the symptoms that we may see in a toxic parent. Because now you've already said one of the things is the fact that they are controlling and the fact that they have no boundaries. And by the way, just in case you're wondering what toxic means, toxic is another word for poisonous. And so basically a parent that poisons their children both mentally, physically and verbally in every way. And so what are some of those other characteristics, please? Can we continue talking about some of the things we can pick out to see like, oh, this is a toxic parent. Okay, about the boundaries, we are all brought up by a parent and at some time they are supposed to let go. So if your parent cannot let go, that is a toxic parent. They will let go, yes, but you must be within their reach. And unfortunately when the boundary is not taken care of, it really affects us because, for example, they will come unannounced. You're supposed to report it at your work at very early. And then suddenly there is the Uber guy calling, I am here, I've just dropped your mom, she's unpacking and she hasn't paid and I want you to pay because she told me you will pay. There was no pre-arrangements, maybe even your fiancée is there and your mama's come with a roll of chicken and yams and he or she expects you to take time and sit down. And she'll ask you a very funny question. Now choose between your work and me, I am your parent. Now, honestly, what am I supposed to do? You feel chocked, you call your boss, you call the station, I'm not coming, I'm not sick, there was no pre-arrangement and your life starts a see-saw of confusion. A see-saw of confusion. Would you say it's similar to the kind of a parent that tries to come in between their child's marriage where they make you choose, it's either your wife or me. Because there are some moms who can be that way. And I know African moms can do this, it's either your wife or me and no, I was here before she was here. Now, there is another problem from a toxic parent. Very few parents will let you get married to the person you want. One, because they failed in their marriage and they want you to live their lives. So they want to see themselves living again in you. So what they do, they control your love circle, they control when you go out and when you come in. And that one now to you is so constricting and it leaves you chocked and you feel you want to be elsewhere. Resorting to one, you have no freedom even during your holidays. I know people who rather than going to their parents, they'll go and camp at a village near their home with their friends. Because they feel like those friends have better mamas, they have better fathers, they have better understanding. You're so free with their other parents, but when you're like going home, you only pass there for 10 minutes. Hi, Mom, I was around, I came yesterday, it was very late, I knew you were already asleep, but it's a lie. And you love them, yes, but you don't like them. And that is the confusion, the balance. Oh, that's very, very important. And it's very important. You love them, but you don't like them. I love my parents, but I don't like everything they do. But I cannot face them and tell them that I don't like what you think or what you do. Because of the culture and also because of the respect. I love him completely, but there are so many things I don't like about him. But now we need to have the balance of after loving them so much. What am I supposed to do? I don't have to change them. I need to change my perception so that I'm able to handle a toxic parent. If that one does not happen, we are in trouble. And I'm so glad that you brought that up because actually I hope we're working on it. One of our videos includes exactly what you said. Yes. A parent who has to reach a point where they're saying, you know what? I have an issue and I don't know what it is. I just simply can't control whatever it is that's making me this way. That's going to be one of the videos we're watching and I trust that our people are working on it. And they shall let us know when it's ready. So thank you for bringing that up. It's alright. But let's continue talking about some of these characteristics because I'm finding this quite interesting. And there's something I guess we've all heard, whether you're Christian or not, to mischia that saying, spread the rod, spoil the child. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Basically if you don't beat the kid up, you're going to completely spoil them. Right. And we've had things like those. And sometimes our parents use this as a means of punishment or abuse. And the reason why I'm bringing this up is because I want you to slowly think about the difference between an abusive parent and a toxic parent as we finish up on the characteristics. Right. Yes. There is the normal dispring from a normal parent. Until you feel, tch. Anyway, I hope that didn't make you say that. And why don't you just sit down and talk to your mother? That's a perfect relationship. Until you are ready. But there is someone, just because your boyfriend dropped you, one, he starts crushing that car because he's like, why would you take my daughter out? And, you know, now that is not even dispring. Even if there was an issue, at least the best thing is wait for your daughter or for your son before you go crushing on their fiancés, vehicles, and relationships, and phones, and shouting, and tantrums. And as I said earlier, most of our problems and most of our inherited problems are from the toxic parents. They had issues with their relationship and they couldn't move. They couldn't enjoy the freedom we have today. And they were stuck. And they think you're heading that direction. And rather than confronting their fears, they direct their anger to you. And that is where now the toxic, the poison starts spearing. And when the poison is so spilled, you cannot hide it any longer. You will stand and say, Mom, I want you to keep off from my life. And now she will be one, very angry. And the worst thing you can do is to try to reason with a toxic parent. Really? How do you reason with someone who is... Actually, that's true. How do you reason with a parent who, for the first time, they look at you as their baby? They have never seen you grow. They don't believe you even... An adult. An adult? Yeah. They look at you from the time you were young, the diapers. You steal my baby. You steal my baby, right? And then, how do you reason with a parent who has a mental state of depression and what they have been going through? So the best thing you can do, if you happen to have a toxic parent, don't try to reason. I find that interesting. Don't try to reason at all. Wow, wow. Make boundaries, set them and be very firm. You love them, yes, but don't take their nonsense. That is what I can say. And that's interesting because the second video that we're going to be watching touches on that because as they continue to bring it up, I'm talking about the videos because they are a part of this discussion. They are definitely a part of this discussion. And so what you find in one of the videos, the girl tries to draw a boundary. And you know, she's like, either she keeps quiet too much, she tries to go the other way, she's trying to face the other way. She's doing everything she can to avoid the confrontation that is coming from her mom, like hellfire. And finally she just says, get out of my house. Just get out of my house, you see. She did it. To her own mom. And that's something most of us would like, say to your mom, talk to your mom. Let me tell you, we are living in a world of discovery and an open dialogue like we are doing. As I said, we don't have perfect parents. There's nothing like that, it's a bubble. Parents have made mistakes and we cannot blame them because of what they have done. But we can set ourselves, we can change our way of thinking. We can set boundaries and let them know, as long as I will get joy pushed to this far, this is what she will do. She will withdraw and she will not talk. And that makes them realize that unless I want to, unless I stop this, I will not get joy talking to me. And that's why you see this lady, after being pushed completely, she felt like she tried to take her cool, she tried to keep quiet, but the mother is still firing and abusive language and everything. And you know what? They push you to the edge until you bro out and you even kid what you're holding. If it's a relationship, you realize, your fiancée tells you, it's either now me or you or your mother or your father. And now you're left, you don't know who to throw out and who to keep. You want your family, but now at the expense of your mom. So you end up in like, okay, fine. Which is the better or the rest are evil? And definitely to be there, the parent. And some feel so bad when you choose your mate. Of course. Instead of them, of them. And that is not the way. Yeah, because they think I've invested my whole life in you and I've paid your university, everything, every day of your life it was me. How dare you choose someone else over me. When a parent talks like that, it's toxic behavior. It's manipulating. It's manipulative to say there is. Because now, when my dad says, I'm using him an example because he's okay. When he says, young boy, I've taught you from zero to where you are. Even what you have actually should be mine. That means the check should be written. My paycheck should read my dad. Maybe he will feel better. But you know what? That is manipulative. And they make you feel guilty so that you don't realize that there is life out there. It's so controlling, it's manipulative. And it spoils you because it's a poison that has been thrown to you. And unless you change your way, don't try to change the parents. And don't try to sit down and reason to them and with them. They will not hear because some are even abusive. They will even fight like you. So there's no time for like an adult kind of a conversation or a grown up conversation. Everything is haywire. You so like should even move a shoe and throw it at you. You know now, when that happens... And this child is a grown up. A grown woman. And she has a child of her own. And they are watching that. Yes, you cannot be throwing shoes at a grown woman just because she's your daughter. But that happens. Some even slam the door. They say, you're not going with that man. That date is cancelled. You're grounded. You're grounding someone who is already working. But they are there and she will threaten. If you dare move out of this house, I'm going to curse you. Sorry about that. And that is what is happening all the time. We have people who are controlling and doing crazy stuff in the name of love. These parents love you, yes. These parents are very good. The only issue is one. They don't know when to back up. You don't know when to back up from your parents or they don't know when to back up from you. And they think because now they have invested in you, you are their project. So anything should pass to them or through them. Your relationship should be verified by their commission. And that one now makes you feel you cannot move. You're grounded. And your relationship out there, even your job is compromised. That's very true. Yes. So we've come across characteristics. Now we've reached manipulation. Yes. Toxic parents are manipulative as well. They try to find ways to manipulate you. Yes. To, I guess, get something out of you in a way that they shouldn't. Yes. And it's interesting this characteristics. I'm wondering if you have any more. Because the one I was thinking about was, again, in the same video where it's a mother fighting a grown woman. Yes. There's something she said that piqued my interest. The mother, she was shouting at this girl. And that's exactly what she was shouting. She was saying, who took care of you all this time? Who took care of you? Who put clothes on your back? Yes. Who did all that for you? Yes. What is wrong with that kind of talk? Because I can tell you for one, I've never had that from my parents. My mother has never come and says, what are you talking about? And I'm finding, I'm thinking my parents are okay, like you said. I think my parents are okay. So I'm just wondering to myself, apart from manipulating a child that way, what does it make a child do? And secondly, does that child have any, should she even be giving back the way the mom wants? The mom wants a car. She wants a mansion of her own, which the child can provide. But does she have to do it just because the mom took care of her, especially if the mom is abusing her? Well, Joey, it's sad. One, every parent has the seed they plant to their children. When they become controlling, when they become very angry and outbursts and they are not able to behave, we pick that and transfer it to our lives. We feel guilty. And we feel like we are not giving enough. We also need to have a way of knowing when to give and what and for how wrong. And now that requires not the toxic parent, it requires you as Joey, it requires you as the viewer to know this is my boundary and I will not bed more and this is it. If I'm giving this, it's from my heart. If I don't have, I don't have to borrow. I have to set boundaries and stick to them and let them know this is my stop. This is where I bed and this is where the cookie crumbles. Thank you for that. Yes.