 So today is going to be a a different kind of video more podcast style I Decided to experiment with it a bit, you know see how it goes and I hope you know people are gonna like it. It's kind of more raw style unedited and I'm really trying to go more on the improv route Coming in without necessarily knowing what I want to talk about in this situation And this time I don't want to focus on self-sabotage the idea of self-sabotage and how we kind of Fuck up everything that we do Because our baseline Level of happiness is what creates our actual reality. So I'm experiencing a lot of resistance, you know, just just from the idea of talking about the subject I Don't know why It's a pretty tough subject. I mean, I'm kind of in a point in my life right now where I feel like I You know kind of disappointed my audience and Myself honestly Because last time I really thought that I Could kind of beat this shit, you know the The whole bipolar thing the ups and downs. I Mean I was really close. I felt like I was really close and then the down cycle came and And You know, I was I was gone again so, you know, I'm really Kind of having a tough time. I'm really in between you could say And this kind of a limbo I don't really know Where I am or You know, what's happening Spend the last couple of months Like literally just decomposing, you know losing the The gains from the gym Seeing, you know, the view count go down Obviously because I'm not posting videos So yeah, this video is it's kind of my attempt at self therapy and I've talked before about All these, you know, these tricks that you can do Where you, you know kind of pretend that the video you're making is Not going to be uploaded Because then, you know, you feel kind of more open about it You know tricks like that but I'm really not trying to go for that angle. I'm trying to go for the angle of You know, just kind of being brutally honest So what I'm attempting to do in this Monologue this improv this rant is To see if I can Go deeper Into myself do like kind of like an exploration and The way I visualize it is like Searching for You know these these movies where you can see the surgeon performing the surgery he has like these Tubes shaped like hands that he puts his hands in and then he Kind of looks for this Thing inside of his body or somebody else's body And he's trying to find an infection. He's trying to find I wouldn't even say an infection Maybe kind of more like a tumor or Some small malignant thing That destroys everything you know that small black thing that spreads and kind of pusses out negativity and In my case, I mean It's really hard because I Have so many Filters so many kind of different personalities and different rationalizations that I give to myself to to Avoid facing reality, you know, I have these Very rare very brief glimpses that Remind me that I'm not living in you know in here now I'm basically living in my head Like most people do you know the overwhelming majority to a very large extent, but It's not right with me. It's not something that I want and I'm trying to see if I can hit some Oh, what the fuck am I doing? Yeah Fuck this shit Fucking hate. I hate everything to be honest So fucking bad My life has gone to shit Everybody, you know that I know that I love kind of Either abandon me or is disappointed in me or is chasing after me because they want Money, I kind of fucked up everything literally like destroyed everything I had and You know, I've been not doing anything for for months now and This is so bad, you know I'm just looking where I can hide where I can shove my fucking head to not feel this this pain anymore and I keep attaching these false labels these thoughts of superiority or or grandos or You know specialness like what I'm going through right now even this Fucking monologue thing is somehow special It's not it's It just goes to show you I'm crazy. It's just a bipolar guy walking at night and recording himself Thinking, you know some Magical thing is happening some sort of a transcendence and epiphany moment, but There's none of that. I mean it's It's completely completely nihilistic and I mean It's it's literally like it's all a play like it's You know if I or somebody looking at me from the side I Would think that this guy's you know lost it basically walking around the weird hoodie on 1 a.m. Talking to his phone Everybody can hear him. He's very loud What the fuck is wrong with this guy and Yeah, that's me. That's what I've Devolved to some weird crazy guy walking Alone at night talking to himself she's Really bad really really bad cuz It's really not moving anywhere, you know, it's not getting better It's not getting worse either, but you know how it goes in life if it's not getting better Means it's getting worse. There's no middle ground. There's no No stagnation is a decline So I mean is there any sort of Purpose to this is there any meaning, you know, I feel bad in my body. I just The only thing that's like really fucked up is Thinking about other people, you know, whatever what they think It's crazy No, it's really bad really really bad and it's not getting any better. This is too bad Signing off