 RCA Victor, world leader in radio first in recorded music and first in television presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye show Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet With Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpe in his music and yours truly Bill Foreman Most married men like to have a night out with the boys Sometimes it can be a lot of fun, but other times it can be But more about that later. First a word from RCA Victor This Christmas give the gift of year-round fun Surprise that special person with RCA Victor stunning new super personal portable radio It makes a great Christmas gift for anyone and for three mighty good reasons. It's handy It plays longer and its top value. 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So send a few extra batteries, too Now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Faye and Phil Harris Last night Elliot Lewis through his annual poker game and lick your own wounds party It was held at his apartment and Phil was the guest of honor It was quite a night and now as we look in on the Harris home It is noon the next day Phil is still in bed and Elliot has come over to see how he's feeling Good morning, Curly. Come on get up. I got a new bebop story for you Hey, this is real crazy man seems these two cats were standing on the street My head feels like a spike Jones rehearsal hall Sounds like you enjoyed yourself last night you have a good time I wouldn't know Elliot what happened nothing happened came over to my house for a poker game. Oh, yeah There was some kind of a disaster wasn't there oh Don't you remember you walked into the apartment sat down at the table said hello to the boys Yeah, I remember that part that he bought some chips and Sammy started a deal I remember that then I made you a drink you started to drink that's it That's when the super chief came through your living room and smacked me right in the kiss Elliot I don't remember a thing after that. I can't understand it Curly All you had was one little sip and you can't recall a thing with a liquor you serve that's possible What were you serving bonded amnesia? I Don't be snide. I served very good bourbon. Nobody ever got hurt drinking old vulture That's a splendid name for it old vulture one drink and you start circling Curly you must be getting old you had one sip and you can't remember what happened. Can you remember what happened? No But I had two sips Why don't you get up and get dressed and we'll go I have a lunch tray for Phil That's Alice look Elliot don't say nothing about the poker game last night. I didn't tell her about it What did you tell her? I didn't tell her anything yet But if she asked me I'm gonna say I went someplace else instead and if she asked you tell her the same thing Yeah, okay coming Alice There you are Alice Good morning Phil about time you woke up. I brought you some lunch. Well No, thanks, honey. It's I'm not hungry. I I don't feel so good Well, you felt all right when you left the house with Elliot last night Elliot where did you two go? We went someplace else instead? Instead of where instead of the poker game. We didn't go to Was there a poker game last night? I Imagine there was one someplace But we didn't go there because instead we went someplace else Instead already said that I slipped it in the middle You're confusing me Phil Phil did you have anything to drink last night? Who me? Parish the thought Why don't you feel good? Well, I I think I have a bad chest cold Well, I haven't heard you coughing. Well, you haven't been paying attention I've been coughing like mad all morning every five minutes. I have a spasm and oops here comes again I Feel that that cough sounds terrible. I'd like to see you do better without a rehearsal Well, you mean that I I got a bad cold. Yes, I have dear my poor chest is just killing me I'll get you something for your chest Phil and you'll be all right. You know Would you tell me something Elliott? Yeah, I don't remember much about last night now just what did we do? Well as I remember we were playing poker and then you started to sing I did well now wasn't that nice of me Hey, what'd I sing? Toon uh, what's something like this? If he's putting dry if he's putting dry if he's put right When you're holding a minute You're ruining one of my latest RCA Victor records. Look, you better let me do it. Piece of pudding, piece of pudding, piece of pudding hot. Piece of pudding hot, piece of pudding cold. Piece of pudding at the party, just nine days old. Well, the patty cake, the patty cake, the bacon's man. Put it in the oven just as fast as you can. Some's like it hot and some's like it cold. But I like it at the party, nine days old. Piece of pudding hot, piece of pudding cold. Piece of pudding at the party, just nine days old. Didn't care much about going to school. It was all work and no play. I can't hold about half past three. I'd love to hear my mama say. Here's a piece of pudding hot, hot pudding. Piece of pudding cold, cold pudding. Piece of pudding at the party, hot pudding. Just nine days old, nine days old. I thought I had a steak all juicy and brown, but I looked on my plate and here's all I found. Piece of pudding hot, piece of pudding cold. Piece of pudding at the party, just nine days old. I don't want ham, I don't want greens. There's only one dish that pops. It's a piece of pudding hot. You got the hot pot, pudding. Piece of pudding cold. The cold he called me put. Piece of pudding in the pot. The pot, pot, pudding. Just nine days old, just nine days old. Mama said, son, here's 15 cents. Go watch that elephant jump the fence. He jumped so high, he started to fly. We didn't get back till the 4th of July. Piece of pudding hot. You got the put, put, put it. Piece of pudding cold. The cold, cold, put it. Piece of pudding in the pot. The pot, pot, pudding. Just nine days old, nine days old. Hot, hot, put, cold. Curly, that's just the way you sang that song last night. I did? Then what happened? My landlady threw us out of your apartment. Don't like Beethoven, huh? Hey, Elliot, then what did we do? Well, it's all kind of hazy, but I think we went downtown to a tattoo parlor. What was that for? I don't know. I had some wild idea about having my girlfriend Emma's name tattooed on my chest. You didn't do it, did you? Of course not. I wouldn't. I didn't. Or did I? Curly, I'm going to open my shirt. Tell me quick. Is Emma there? Let me see. Nah. You sure there's nothing on my chest? Well, nothing except a little patch of green hair. I got to stop wearing those chlorophyll undershirts. Thank goodness it ain't there, huh? Funny though, I could have sworn I saw that artist tattoo Emma's name on somebody's chest. Well, it's possible. Who else was with you? Just you. Well, if I was the only one with you... Elliot. Sir? I'm going to open my pajama top, and I'm going to look down slowly. And if I see any embroidery work on my lily white body... POW! Don't bother looking, Curly. It's there. Huh? Emma in old English scroll. Your girlfriend's name is on my chest? Now how am I going to explain that to Alice? Never mind Alice. How am I going to explain it to Emma? How did her name get on my chest? Just let me think a minute. Well, thank you. It seems to me that when we went into the tattoo parlor, I insisted on seeing a sample of his writing before I'd let him touch me. So? So he must have used you for a scratch pad. One of these days, I'm going to kill you. Don't blame me. It was an accident. Oh, Elliot. What are you talking about an accident? Now can't you see what trouble I'm in? I've got to think of some way to get this tattoo off of my chest before Alice sees it. You better think of something fast. I hear a comment. Oh, no. Now what am I going to do? Quick, put your pajama tops on. Get back in bed and cover up so she won't see it. Okay. Right. Tattooed at my age. I wouldn't mind if it was a nice battleship. You know, the molds. Look, Elliot, eventually Alice is going to see this tattoo. Now, how am I going to explain Emma to her? Well, there must be some... Wait, wait a minute. I haven't been stupid. There's a simple solution. Tell your wife you had the tattoo put on for her. But her name is Alice. Get her to change it to Emma. I got news for you. You're still stupid. I think it's worth a try. Well, Phil. Phil, how do you feel now? He's much better, Emma. Emma? My name is Alice. I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You know, you're much too glamorous to have a plain name like Alice. A girl of your beauty should have a name that has a lure, mystery, fire. True. I could change it to Lana. Or Emma. Or Rita. Or Emma. Or Eva. Yeah, I like that one. Of course, Eva isn't the name I had on my mind. It ain't the one I got on my chest, either. What was that, Phil? Nothing, honey, nothing. I'm a little delirious, honey. Well, my cold is much worse. I'll fix that in a minute. I'll put this hot mustard plaster on your chest. My chest? No, no, honey. That ain't going to do any good. You see, well, you can't... Honey, the cold just slipped down to my stomach. Oh, my boy. Phil, I don't think there's anything wrong with your chest. I think it's your head. That's no way to talk to a sick man. Now look, if you're sick, let me put this mustard plaster on your chest. Honey, I don't need medicine. If you want to make me feel better... Oh, go downstairs and put some records on the Victoria. You know the music always soothes me. Well, if it's music you want, I'll stay here and sing for you. But can't you do it from downstairs or up on the roof? Oh, better yet, go over to your mother's house and phone it in. I'm going to sing right here. I've been so in love as my lover, dove, and I. Note you people have ever mooned such a moon. June, such a june. Spoon, such a spoon. Note you people have ever been so in tune as my macaron and I. And when we kiss... And when we kiss... Well, it's like this. Well, it's historical. It's hysterical. Let me tell you. Note you people have ever been so in love. Been so in love. Been so in love. Note you people have ever been so in love as my love, dove, and I. Never before and never again could anything more or never again be. People have ever been so in love. Been so in love. It's incredible. Note you people have ever been so in love as my love, dove, and I. This is unique, the positive people. We are the most unusual couple I know. Note you people have ever mooned such a moon. June, such a june. Spoon, such a spoon. Note you people have ever been so in tune as my macaron and I. And when we kiss... And when we kiss... Well, it's like this. Well, it's historical. It's hysterical. Let me tell you. Well, certainly darling. Note you people have ever been so in love. Been so in love. Been so in love. Been so in love. Been so in love. It's impossible. Note you people have ever been so in love as my love, dove, and I. And this is the dream, the very extreme, the sort of a dream you couldn't imagine at all. Well, I know you people have ever been so in love as my love, dove, and I. And I. How do you feel now? Oh honey, I'm sicker than ever. Look, you'd better leave the room before you get what I got. What have you got? I can't say, but it wouldn't look good on you. Now please go, will you honey? Very well. If you're trying to get rid of me, I'll go. I wonder what's wrong with him. He's acting awfully peculiar. I'd better call the doctor and have him come over and examine him. Gee, I hope it's nothing serious. Anybody home at Bracken and Grocery? Oh, hello Miss Faye. Say, you look upset, what's the matter? Oh, I'm having trouble with Mr. Harris. Oh? And what's wrong with the jerky Cherokee today? Dude, is he sick in bed? He is? Tell me, does he have much pain? No, no, he doesn't have any pain at all. Can't we fly some in? Well, if Mr. Harris is sick, I guess I ought to go in and see him. Where is he? No, he's in the bedroom with Mr. Lewis, and you go on in because I'm going to go call the doctor. See if he can get one who just lost his license. I bet that big bear boon ain't sick. He must be faking. He and Mr. Lewis are probably up to something. I think I'll sneak up to the door and listen. Curly, it's not going to do you any good to lie here and pretend you're sick. Uh-huh. My suspicions have been confirmed. Oh, maybe you're right, Elliot. Maybe you ought to try and sneak out because if Alice ever comes in here and sees Emma, I'm dead. Emma? He's got a dame in there. Curly, sneak in. I won't do any good. Sooner or later, Alice will find out. What you've got to do is get rid of Emma. I can't get rid of her. She's part of me. Ooh, that nasty old man. There must be some way of getting rid of her. How can I? I've got her under my skin. With his loose skin, that's possible. Elliot, look, there must be something that I can do. I can't stand having Emma on my chest. She's standing on his chest? This I got to see. Mr. Harris- There ain't no woman in here. Are you kidding? I heard you say you got Emma on your chest. That's a tattoo. I see. Miss Alice has Emma tattooed on his chest. Ooh, wait a minute, Miss Faye, here's about this. You might have a tough time. Now, wait a minute, kid, wait a minute. Now, the whole thing was an accident and I don't want my wife to know. Look, Julius, would $20 close your mouth? $20's might plug the hole. All right, all right, here's $40. And you're not to say anything about Emma, understand? Yeah, I promise not to say anything to your wife about Emma in return for which you are to give me $40. Right. Every week. Julius. For 20 years. Look, kid. With options for renewal. That little black-mailer, Elliot. Well, Curly, he's got you. All right, all right, so he's got me. Now, look, Julius, I'm going to give you $40 a week. Now, you get out of here, beat it. I'm going. I've got Emma, so the doctor don't see her. What doctor? The one your wife called. He's on his way over to examine you. Huh? Well, goodbye, Mr. Harris, Mr. Lewis. And so long, Emma, you little annuity, you. I'm really dead. The first thing the doctor's going to do is examine my chest and then Alice will see Emma. All right, brain, what do I do now? I got an idea. Alice thought you were acting a little peculiar before. So, so. So, so. If you can put on an act and make the doctor think you're a little balmy, he'll examine your head, not your chest. Yeah, yeah. That would work. There's only one danger. What? You might find something wrong with your head. Well, that's a chance I'll have to take. Don't worry. I'll put on an act that'll really fool that doctor. Yeah, but you've got to be subtle. Just act a little irrational when you speak. Don't make too much sense, but don't overdo it. Phil, Phil, the doctor is here. Oh, goodie. Butter him and slide him under the door. I was worried about you, so I called the doctor. Dr. Conrad, this is my husband, Mr. Harris. How do you do, Mr. Harris? Now, what seems to be troubling you? That'll be $10, please. Are there's nothing troubling me? That's what they all say. Now, you just sit down and take your shoes off. The blacksmith will be back in a minute. Stop it. This is the doctor. Oh, isn't that splendid? I love doctors. Well, that makes me glad all over. Now, look, will you please... Do you know that more doctors smoke camels than any other animal? You know what's the matter with you? You're acting like a crazy two-year-old. You're playing that to keep me out of the big race today. And I'm the only one who can beat sight-takes. Are my oats ready? You know, Harris, I think I'll have to put you under observation. I knew it. I knew it. You're just trying to get rid of me. I knew as soon as you walked in, with your long blonde curls, you were planning to steal my ball-headed wife. Curly, it's the other way around. I know, but it sounds crazier my way. Doctor, why do you want to run away with my wife when movies are better than ever? Look, Harris... Why, dear, they're playing our song. Well, I think I've heard enough. I'm leaving, Mrs. Harris. Your husband doesn't need a chess specialist. Should I call a psychiatrist? Why waste the money? Just get a couple of squirrels and have them carry him off. Goodbye. There he goes, and he didn't even kiss me goodbye. Oh, well, anyone for channel swimming? Oh, he's gone. You can stop. I don't want to stop. I like that kind of talk. This may be the beginning of a new character for me. Now, if you'll hand me my roller skates, I'll be off to the rink. All right, Phil, all right. What's going on? Why didn't you want the doctor to look at your chest? Well, uh... Well, I don't want anybody to see it, honey. It looks awful. It's all discolored. Well, I'm going to see it anyway. I'm going to take those pajama tops off. No, no, please, don't touch me. My chest, well, it has a horrible rash, and if you should see it... Oh, still! Now, now I'll be able to see what... Phil Harris, what is that name tattooed on your chest? Who is Emma? Emma's my girlfriend. What's her name doing on Phil's chest? Well, my chest was too small to put it on, so you can't allow me to use it. That's right, honey, that's right. And greater love hath no man than to lend his bosom to a narrow-chested friend. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. Unless you're an expert, you wouldn't try to repair your own car. You drive it into a garage and have a mechanic do it. Radio and television receivers are even more complex than automobiles. If you need to be serviced, the job should always be done by expert technicians. Your local radio television service man is trained in the adjustment and repair of radios and television sets. He has expensive test equipment to make sure your receiver is restored to its original performance. So always call on your service man if your radio or television set needs adjustment. It will cost you less in the long run. And if the picture tube or any one of the receiving tubes needs to be replaced, your service man will recommend RCA tubes. They cost no more, and they're your best insurance against failure in your radio or television set. Always insist on RCA tubes. Folks, this is Phil again. Next week, local chapters of the United States Junior Chamber of Commerce and hundreds of cities and towns from coast to coast will begin one of their most important Christmas activities. The JC Christmas shopping tour for orphans and underprivileged children. There are thousands of these youngsters who have never known the pleasure of giving and that's just what the JC Christmas shopping tour offers them. The chance to enjoy this new experience. To find out how this heartwarming program works in your town, how you can participate, listen to your local radio and TV personalities this coming week. They'll tell you all about it. And you can help a lot of swell kids have a brighter Christmas and it'll make you feel great yourself. So watch for the JC Christmas shopping tour in your community next week. Thanks everybody, and good night. Good night everybody. Included in this program transcribe was Joseph Kearns, a part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Last year, RCA Victor made Christmas especially beautiful for millions of Americans with an album of Yuletide songs sung by the Robert Shaw Choral. And now, RCA Victor brings you Volume 2, Robert Shaw's Christmas Hymns and Carols. In this brand new album, available in all three speeds, the Robert Shaw Choral sings 26 beautiful but seldom heard Christmas selections. Buy either or both of these wonderful RCA Victor Christmas albums at your record dealers tomorrow. Tonight here, Theatre Guild on the air over NBC.