 The Jack Benny program, Tran-Cride, presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, get better taste. Be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Lucky's taste better. So mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh. With better taste in every pub. Yes, Lucky's taste better. For Lucky's fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco. Goes into the cigarette, proved the best made of all five principle brands. Let me repeat that. Proved the best made of all five principle brands. That's not an empty claim. That's a fact verified by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Foster D. Snell of New York City, who reports... In our opinion, the properties measured are all important factors affecting the taste of cigarette smoke. We conclude that Lucky Strike is the best made of the five major brands. And don't forget, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco. There's no substitute for fine tobacco. And don't let anybody tell you difference. So remember the facts. Enjoy fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco. In the cigarette that tastes better, Lucky Strike. When you buy cigarettes, remember, Lucky's taste better. Be happy, go Lucky, go Lucky Strike today. Here's Rochester Dennis Leigh, the sportsroom quartet, and yours truly, Don. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills. It's morning, and Jack has just finished his breakfast. Bon appétit, boys. Oh, yes, yes, plenty. Quiet, Polly. Rochester, this breakfast was wonderful, Leigh. The coffee, the coffee was delicious. Thank you. The bacon was cooked just the way I like it. Thank you. And the eggs were absolutely perfect. Thank you. Polly, did you lay those eggs? I'm too young. Isn't that cute? Rochester, how long has Polly been laying eggs? Ever since you put that light bulb in her cage and kept pointing to it. It certainly took her a long time to catch on to what I meant. Yeah, before she laid any eggs, she laid three light bulbs. Now, Polly, you know that I... Oh, say, boss, you told me to remind you to call Mrs. Montgomery. Oh, yes. Who's that? Oh, that's Dinah Shore. She's married to George Montgomery. I sent a copy of my song over to her house. I'm going to let her be the first one to record it. I'll call her now. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. When you ask me to forgive you, I'll return. Like the swallows at Sereno. Hello? Oh, I'd like to speak to Mrs. Dinah Shore, please. Jack Benny calling. Like the swallows at Sereno. Return to Cap-a-Stereno. For you, Mark. Hello? Hello, Dinah? Oh, this is Jack Benny. How is George? Oh, I'm sorry I woke you up, but I was anxious to know something, Dinah. Did you receive the copy of my song? Good. Look, don't you think it's the most wonderful tune you ever... Oh. Well, don't you think that the lyrics are novel and... But, Dinah, you can't judge a song the first time you sing it. You've got to analyze it. Take it apart. I don't mean that way. Paste it together again. Look, Dinah, if you'll just take the song... Dinah. Dinah. Oh, hello, George. But, George. George, look, I didn't wake you up. She did. Now, look, George, George. You and I have been friends for years, and all right acquaintances. But, look, George, about my song. If you just ask Dinah... All right, if I woke you up, I'm sorry. You don't have to... You'll what? Well, if that's your attitude, it's okay with me. Goodbye. Well, we can cross him off the list. You mean her? No, him. He's going to stop sending us his laundry. I'm glad Miss Shore refused to sing my song. I'd rather have a man do it anyway. Boys, why don't you call Mario Lanza? Mario Lanza? Yeah, you sent him a copy last night. How did you know? We got it back this morning. So soon? Well, maybe he liked the song and he's waiting for an answer. Rochester, get me his number. Well, it's in my personal phone book. Yes, sir. There's the door. I'll get it. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. Boy, is Diana making a mistake. Hello, Jack. Oh, Mary, come on in. What are you giggling about? Oh, I just had to stop by and show you a love letter that Dennis sent me. A love letter? Mary, you mean Dennis still has a crush on you? Yes, ever since New Year's Eve and it's getting worse. What do you mean? Well, last night he took me for a ride and as he turned into a dark street, I said to myself, uh-uh, suddenly the car stopped and Dennis looked at me and said, Mary, we're out of gas. And Jack, he did exactly what I thought he would do. What? He went and got some. How do you like that? Let me see the letter Dennis wrote to him. Here, I'll read it to you. You know, it's really sweet. It is? Mm-hmm. My darling Mary. I'm gonna mark through it. My darling Mary. I hope you won't think I'm silly, but I keep your picture on the wall of my bedroom. I didn't want my mother to know who I'm in love with, so I took a pencil and drew a mustache and a derby hat on you. I think I fooled my mother because now she's in love with you too. Lovey-dime. And look how he finishes. I love you madly and passionately and will never forget New Year's Eve and the kiss you gave me when I took you home. Thanking you in advance for your next shipment, I remain yours truly, Dennis Day. Well, that's the cutest letter I've ever heard. Here's that number you wanted, boss. Oh, yes, excuse me, Mary. I'm gonna call Mario Lanza. Mario Lanza? Yeah, he's gonna make a record of my song. If you say that you are sorry, then I will understand. Meet the harvest who will pledge our love anew. So, hello. I'd like to speak to Mr. Lanza, please. Tell him Jack Benny's calling. So, my darling, though we've parted, come back to whence we started. Hello? Hello, Mario? This is Jack Benny. I want to know how soon you'd like to make a record of my... What? But Mario? But Mario, look. Well, now, why should you... But Mario? But... But Mr. Lanza, I'm not coming to that big party you're giving Friday night. Oh, I heard about it. What does he think he is anyway? That Mario Lanza. He won't sing my song, but that other song he sings. Be my love for no one else can end. This yearning, be my love. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I suppose that's a better song than... When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. Which song do you like better, Rochester? Be my love. There's someone at the door. Oh, hello, Dennis. Come on in. Don't talk to me, you cad. What? Trying to steal my girl. Hey, I gotta thrash you to win an inch of your life. Now, look, Dennis, you've got a cold. Isn't it, Dilly? Now, don't try to change the subject. I've read about men like you. You take a poor innocent girl out of the maid company. You get her a job on the radio, and then you think you're owner. Dennis. I know every move you make, you wolf. Look, look, Dennis. I've been sitting up in that tree in front of your house watching you through the window. What? Boy, do you look ugly in the morning. I thought you'd never get into that girdle. Now, look, Dennis, Mary told me about the big crush you've got on her, and you ought to forget about it. Yes, Dennis, you're a nice boy, and I hate to hurt your feelings. Oh, don't worry, Mary. You couldn't marry me if you wanted to. My mother disapproves. Of me? No, of me. That I can understand. Now, Dennis, listen to me. Next week on my program, I want you to sing the song I wrote. When you say I beg your part, that kid's going to make an old man out of me. Come to think of it, he did. Say, Jack, I better be running along. I've got some shopping to do. Shopping? I want to go to Jerry Rothschild's and get a shirt for my father. OK, Mary. Wait a minute. I'll go with you. I want to get a haircut. All right, come on. It's such a nice day. Let's walk, huh? You see, Mary, there's Jerry Rothschild's in the middle of the block. Where are you going to get your haircut? At Jerry Rothschild's. I have a barbershop on the mezzanine. So while you're getting your father's shirt, I can get my haircut. Oh, that's very convenient. Say, Jack, isn't that Mr. Kitzel coming toward us? Mr. Kitzel? Oh, it sure is. Hello, Mr. Kitzel. I said hello, Mr. Kitzel. And to whom do I have the pleasure of addressing? Mr. Kitzel, don't you recognize me? I'm Jack Benny. Oh, I'm so sorry, but I just now came from the optometrist's surface. He put drops in my eyes, and I can't see so well. Oh, I hope they get better soon. Thank you, Dennis. Oh, Mr. Kitzel, this is Miss Livingston. Oh. What's wrong with your eyes, Mr. Kitzel? I happen to be colorblind. Oh. You know, to me, yellow is brown. Uh, yellow is brown? And that's not all. Brown is green. Brown is green? Also, to me, green is yellow. Yellow is brown, brown is green, and green is yellow? Yeah, and last night at dinner, did this cause trouble? I saw my brother-in-law eating what looked like a hot dog, so I was smart and I asked, how do you like the cucumber? And he said, what cucumber? I'm eating a banana. You're joking. Mr. Kitzel, we've got to be running along. I have an appointment at the barber shop to get a haircut. Well, isn't that a co-accident? You know, for the same reason, my wife is right now by the beauty parlour. Whoop! Yes, we man. Well, what do you mean? Well, last week on the cover of Life Magazine, she saw a girl with a poodle haircut, so right away she has to get a poodle haircut, too. Really? Yeah. And personally, I'm happy. With her last haircut, she looked like a sender now. Well, we've got to run along, Mr. Kitzel. Goodbye. Goodbye, children. Now, come on, Mary. Well, here it is, Rothschild's men's furnishing and barbershop. Let's go in. Now, if you want to get your father's shirt, the counter's right over there. Oh, okay, yes. May I help you? Yes, I'd like to buy a shirt. What size is your father wear, Mary? Well, just a minute. I've got Papa's letter right here. He wants a 15-and-a-half collar. Uh, sleeve length? 58. 58? Oh, lady, you must be mistaken why the average sleeve length is 34. Certainly, Mary. Why does your father want such long sleeves? Mama gave him a pair of gloves for Christmas. He doesn't want to get them dirty. What a family you've got. Look, Mary, while you're deciding on the shirt, I'll go and get... Oh, you bud. Long time, no see. Hello, hello. Jack, wasn't that... Yes, that racetrack towel. I always run into it. Anyway, Mary, while you're deciding on the shirt for your father, I'm going... Oh, hello, Jack. Hello, Mary. Hello, Don. Don, I didn't know you traded here at Rothschild's. Oh, sure. It's so convenient having a barber shop and men's clothing store all in one place. It certainly is. What are you buying, Don? Well, nothing today. I've just dropped in to exchange something. May I help you, sir? Why, yes. A friend of mine gave me this overcoat for Christmas. I'd like to exchange it, please. Certainly, sir. What's the trouble? Well, uh, I don't like the color. Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but that coat only comes in blue. Oh, gee. However, if you wish, we'd be happy to refund you the $250. $250 for a coat? Would you, uh, like me to give you the refund? Well, yes. As long as the color isn't exactly what I want. Wait a minute, Don. Wait a minute. How can you do a thing like that? It's a Christmas present. Somebody gave that coat to you for Christmas. I mean, how can you take the refund? What about the spirit of Christmas? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Well, I guess you're right, Jack. But, gee, I just don't like the color. Well, Don, if you're going to be stuck with the coat, I've got a birthday coming up next month to give it to me for a birthday present. But, Jack, Jack, this coat won't fit you. So what? I'll bring it back here and get the refund. It's simple. But, Jack, what about that speech you gave me about the spirit of Christmas? To me, it's a birthday present. I can do what I want with it. Harry, what are you laughing at? When you started that speech, I knew you had an Oh-Henry finish. Oh-Henry, oh-Henry, yeah. Are you people through or do you go into a dance number? Harry, I'm going to get my haircut. I'll see you in a little while. Okay, Jack, I'll be browsing around the store. Okay. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. Da-da-dum-bum-bum-bum-bum, I'll return. Gee, look at all those beautiful suspenders and belts. I think I'll get myself a new belt. Oh, clerk. I'll be with you in a minute. Okay. Boy, those belts really look nice. Hey, but. But. Huh? Oh, for heaven's sake. Come here a minute. Look, fella, I'm busy. Leave me alone, will you? Okay. Just wanted to know what you were doing. Well, if you must know, I'm buying something to hold my pants up. Like what? A belt. Uh-uh. Get suspenders. But I want a belt. Belt hasn't got a chance. It hasn't? It looks good while it's going around, but at the end, belt buckles. Yeah, I never thought of that. Take my advice and put your money on suspenders. Suspenders? Are you sure? Well, look at the performance. Suspenders always come up from behind and finish in front. I don't know what to do. You can take my word for it. Suspenders will never let you down. Well, I don't care what you say. I'm going to get a belt. Okay. They're your pants. So long. Goodbye. Goodbye. I'd like to get this belt. Yes, sir. Would you like to look at suspenders? Yes, they're awfully good in the stretch. Now, cut that out! Just wrap up the bell. I'll pick it up after I get my haircut. Gee, I'm in luck. All the barber chairs are empty. Maybe today I can get Mr. Drucker, the owner, to wait on me. Oh, hello, Mr. Drucker. Well, how do you do, Mr. Bennet? I finally came in when you're not busy yourself. I'd like a haircut. You certainly. Sit down and I'll get you a barber. Uh-huh? I'll be right back. Say, Harry, Mr. Bennet wants a haircut. Would you take him? Not me. Let Maury do it. Not me. Yeah, how about you, Charlie? No, thanks. Now, wait a minute, boys. We've got to be fair about this. Who waited on him last time? I didn't when I finished. He offers me a tip. But my hands are full, so he says I'll slip it in your pocket. Oh, at least you got something. What do you mean something? When I added up my money, I was a dime short. Dave, I'd do it. You were? Short. Then when the police came, I could say it was an accident. Hey, Mr. Drucker, how about my haircut? Hey, just a minute. Well, boys, any volunteers? Well, okay, I'll take them. You will? Why not? I had stand for two. Okay, Mr. Bennet, Mr. Gilbert will wait on you. Good, good. What'll it be, Mr. Bennet? Just a haircut. Yes, sir. Shall I take off my glasses? You don't even have to take off your hat. Don't be so smart. Just give me a haircut. Yes, sir. Same, Mr. Drucker. Do we have to do it when there's only one customer? Yes, you do. What's that, Mr. Drucker? We put in a barbershop quartet. Billy Gatz, Artie Stebbins, Mervyn Leroy, and Junior Lemley. Oh, what a quartet! God, you sing, boys! Especially Junior Lemley. Hey, don't take too much off the sides. Yeah, watch it. Customer happy today? How's the haircut coming? Fine, fine, Mr. Drucker. Would you also like a shampoo? No, no, no, just a haircut. In the size? No, no, thank you. I'll tell you what I would like. I'd like a manicure. A manicure? Certainly. Just a moment. I'll get one of the girls. Oh, Miss Daniels. Yes? Mr. Bennet would like a manicure. Will you take it? Not me. Let Betty do it. Not me. How about you, Goldie? No, thanks. Now, wait a minute, girls. We've got to be fair about this. Who took care of him last time? I did. For a 75-cent manicure, I had to sit there and polish 20 nails. 20? When I got through with his hands, he took his shoes off. To me, and he did that to me once. Really? I didn't mind cutting his nails, but I had to play this little piggy at the same time. Drucker, how about my manicure? In just a moment. Edith, you take it. Okay. And Mr. Bennet, the manicure is to be with you in a moment. Thank you. When you say I'm beggin' for you, then I'll come back to you. When you have the... All right, Mr. Bennet, I'm ready to give you manicure. Just put your fingers in this bowl of water. Certainly. Ouch! That water's hot. I know. I'm trying to melt your cold, cold heart. Fine. Just give me a manicure. Oh, Mr. Drucker. Yes? I think I want my shoe shine, too. He certainly will get a boy. Mr. Bennet wants his shoe shine. Will you take it? Not me. Well, how about you, Danny? Oh, thanks. Now, wait a minute, boys. We've got to be fair about this. Who was the last one to shine Mr. Bennet's shoes? I don't remember the answer, but that question was on a quiz program. Well, somebody's got to shine Mr. Bennet's shoes. You do it, Danny. Not me, Mr. Drucker. I ain't got nothing against shining Mr. Bennet's shoes, but it's murder gettin' around him pearl buttons. Mr. Drucker, what about that shine? In just a minute. Oh, Jack! Here I am, Mary. Did you get your haircut? Yes, and I was going to get a shine, too, but I'll let it go. Oh, Mr. Drucker. Thank you. Uh, Mr. Drucker, wait till I turn the page here. Remember that? A manicure, it sticks to my finger. Forget about the shine and charge the haircut to my account. Oh, Harry. Harry Gilbert, you gave me such a good haircut. Here's a tip for you. Thank you, Mr. Bennet. Come on, Mary. You say, Harry, did I see right? What? Did Mr. Bennet give you a dollar tip? Yep. Spin that old man around in a chair three times, and he don't know what he's doing. Lucky's taste better, and here's why. You get better taste from fine tobacco, and LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco. There's no substitute for fine tobacco. Don't let anybody tell you different. What's more, Lucky's taste better because they're made better. Prove the best made of all five principle brands. Let me repeat that. Prove the best made of all five principle brands. That's not an empty claim. That's a fact verified by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Frolling and Robertson of Richmond, Virginia report. It is our conclusion that Lucky Strike is the best made of these five major brands. So friends, when you buy cigarettes, remember the facts. Lucky's are made better. Lucky's taste better. And to learn the plain, simple truth about the important factors that affect the taste of a cigarette, send for your pre-copy of a new booklet, What Makes Lucky Strike Taste Better? Just drop a card to Lucky Strike, Post Office Box 99, New York 46, New York. That's Lucky Strike, Post Office Box 99, New York 46, New York. We're a little late, folks. Good night. Listen to your hit parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursday night presented by Lucky Strike. It's both your newspaper for time and station. Stay tuned for the Amos and Andes show, which follows immediately. The Jack Benny show is heard by our Armed Forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. Fanscribe, this is the CBS Radio Network.