 I sat down and watched Blonde on Netflix. That's three hours I'll never get back. I wanna be frank with you. I watched this movie for one reason, and that was Ana de Armas, specifically her naked. I know, I know, I know how pathetic, how superficial, but I just have to say, I think she's hot and I wanted to see her naked again. I just, I'm sorry, I have to be honest. I had no interest in a Marilyn Monroe biopic or whatever this was even supposed to be. I heard it was based on a book that wasn't actually, like it was like a different version of Marilyn Monroe's story. It's not even the real thing. I was looking up stuff as this movie was going on, just out of sheer curiosity. They skip over huge portions of her life. They focus on a lot of other things that I didn't care about. End of the day, this is a very artsy movie that's going to appeal to a very small demographic of people. This was written and directed by Andrew Dominic, who previously worked on Chopper with Eric Bona, a movie that I saw. It was like a really small indie movie. It's actually kind of cool. It's pretty good. And then he did Killing Me Softly with Brad Pitt, one of the worst movies I've ever seen in theaters. Full stop, just a boring chore to get through. The screenplay was based on a novel by an author who clearly thinks very little of our Norma Jean. Maybe not thinks little, but definitely pities this actress, this woman. It has the aroma of the eyes of Tammy Faye. Do you remember that movie? It came out a year or so ago. Far better, far better movie. This, I hated this. I hated Blonde. I was interested for the first hour or so, but it really drags and started to lose me with its artsy bullshit nonsense. In my eyes, biopics can go one of two ways. Number one, you make it historically accurate. Tell it how it is, warts and all. It's more of an educational piece than anything else. Hopefully you get entertainment out of it. The other way you do it is you make something like Queen, a puff piece, something more fun and lofty and exciting, fan service to its core. Blonde fails on both parts. It's not fun. It's not entertaining. It's just kind of a miserable chore to sit through. There's no celebration to be had here for Marilyn Monroe. It pities her. It almost despises the person she became. And man, I feel for Anaday Armas here. This must have been a torturous performance to pull out. I mean, months and months of crying, hysterically yelling, feeling like a pile of shit. For a three hour movie, she put in a lot of work. The performance is fantastic. Yes, her accent does spill through a little bit, but she transformed impeccable performance here. If you would've told me that Zach Snyder had a hand in this, I might've believed you as this is shot in four by three aspect ratio for reasons I can't possibly comprehend. Not only that, it juggles. It dances between color and black and white. Is this based on any sort of pattern or reasoning? Is it an emotional thing? Is it a, when she's in her height, it's in color? When is she sad, it's in black and white? I could not figure it out for the life of me. It just kind of, on a whim, decides what it wants to be. Black and white, color, slow motion, blurred. I just, I didn't understand the reasonings. I really tried to. I really did. Maybe I'm just too dumb to understand the artistry on display here. I started out by admitting, sadly, that I only watched this for Anaday Armas doing some questionable things because the movie's rated NC 17. Completely stunt rated. There is no reason for the NC 17 on this. Sure, she's topless a lot in the last half. Whoop-de-doo. Who cares? There's a little bit of a penetration. Not really. They don't really show anything, though. It's just implied when things happen. It's all very soft. It's all very red shoe diaries. It's all very taxi cab confessions. Other things from the 90s. Showtime was Red Shoe Diaries, hosted by David DeCovney. I'm off the rails here. Let's keep going. The music certainly caters to the time period. We're jumping through the course of her entire existence. And it is just random, much like the coloring in this movie. Sometimes she's a kid. Sometimes she's an adult. Sometimes she's with one husband. Other times with she's. It's just, I couldn't figure it out. Again, I don't know much about Marilyn Monroe because I'm not 85 years old. So I wanted to learn a couple things here. I mean, outside of just being a pervert, I was kind of fascinated to an extent. I kind of wanted to learn something about her life. And I just couldn't really get anything from it other than she had a miserable one and she was never really happy. And if she was, it was kind of a fake happiness. But that's at least what the director wants me to believe. He's also really not a fan of abortions. You can say that is her mind and what she was going through to her pain. But man, he spends a lot of time on the abortion stuff, like a stupid amount. We get like the fetus shots in multiple ways. We even get a uterus POV. Someone had to animate that, that someone was paid to do that. At one point, the fetus comes back from the grave and starts talking to Norma Jean. I mean, it's Norma Jean just playing it out in her head. But it's like, mommy, I'm here. Are you gonna kill me like you killed me before? It's like, you're a different baby. You're not the same baby. And the baby's like, bitch, we're all the same. You kill me, you kill me again. Like, it's so weird. There's points where a picture starts talking. It's art. And I hate it. So if you're hoping Blonde would be a fascinating trip through Marilyn Monroe's life. Fascinating is not the word I would use. If however you enjoy watching a person suffer emotionally, physically, being tormented about past mistakes or things that happened to her that were out of control and just sitting in it. Just living in it for three hours. Sometimes in black and white, sometimes in color, always in four by three aspect ratio, then you're gonna really eat up Blonde because it is a miserable, miserable movie to watch. Maybe you saw it already and you have a different take. Let me know in the comments below. Also you can thank me for saving you some hours of your life because I sat through this thing. I'd appreciate it. Like the video, subscribe if you haven't as I post tons of movie and TV show reviews each and every week. I'd love to have you stick around. Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna fire up showgirls because that movie earned its rating, damn it. Thanks for watching the video and for sticking around. I know time is precious. I really do. That's why I sat through a three hour doc you pick on fucking Marilyn Monroe. Since you're still here though, maybe think about joining me on Patreon at patreon.com slash adam does movies. Not only do you help keep my show going, but you also get something in return. 300 plus exclusive videos at your fingertips. Not NC 17, but not far from. There's some good shit on there. There's a nice link tree below. You can find all the info and hopefully I'll see you at some of these places.