 Thank you so much for coming out tonight to support the very important work that NISA is doing, especially serving the most vulnerable in our community. And for many, many years now, I've had quite a few friends who've been tirelessly working in the shadows out of the spotlight helping support the work that NISA does. And it's an honor and it's a privilege to be here tonight being a part of that. And, you know, over the years, I've spoken to more than a few domestic violence victims. And we've gotten into some discussions about, you know, kind of questioning how was it that we got here, you know, that my friends were talking to me about some of the difficult situations they found themselves in with abusive husbands. And there's been a whole range of theories about how they got to where they were. Sometimes they talked about substance abuse issues. Sometimes they talked about mental health issues like personality disorders. But many times they talked about how their ex-husbands grew up, what the environment was like in their homes, and what kind of often dysfunctional marriages they witnessed amongst their own parents and what kind of abusive parenting they often experienced. So it makes sense why NISA, every single year, their annual fundraiser, chooses to have somebody give a talk around the theme of family, around the theme of healthy marriages, healthy communities, healthy families. And so I was asked to come speak tonight on an article that I wrote back in 2010 called Raising Children with Dean and Dunya. Dean means religion, and Dunya is just shorthand for the worldly life, the secular life. And I'm not, I want to just from the get-go make it clear that I'm not an expert, I'm not a family therapist, I'm not a scholar, I'm just a data collector and a storyteller. And this article was written after I had been really sitting down families who I found were very, very successful in how they had raised their kids and how their kids had grown up to be healthy adults, kind, compassionate, caring human beings, and unapologetic Muslims. And I asked them, what is it that you did? How did you raise your kids to be the way they are? And I noticed over time, they gave me a whole spectrum of advice. But there were ten themes, ten nuggets of wisdom that kept popping up from time to time. So I compiled those ten tips and wrote an article, and now I've created a PowerPoint presentation, which I'm going to be presenting to you tonight. Usually this PowerPoint presentation takes around an hour and a half to two hours to cover. But today I'm going to be giving the clips notes version, speeding through it, trying to get done in half an hour in Sholma. Alright, so without further ado. So the tips, the ten tips, they are listed in order of how common they were mentioned, how often they were brought up. And the number one tip all hundred percent of these families gave me and said that you need this in order to have successful families is Dua, Dua, Dua, which gets translated to supplication. Turning to Allah, turning to our Lord and Creator. And these families were very, very hesitant to take any kind of credit for the successes that we were witnessing. They said this doesn't come from us. It comes from Allah, we pray for this. And it's completely His mercy and we have nothing to do with what you're seeing. Now it's really easy when you hear that to say, okay, okay, fine, pray about it. I get it. But tell me really what should I be doing? If that's our reaction, honestly we have to pause and we have to reflect. And we have to realize that that's a false premise to begin with, to think that there's anything really besides prayer that gives us our success. So these families told me that anytime they had a difficult decision they had to make in their children's lives, they returned to Salat al-Islahara, the prayer of guidance. Anytime there was something they felt they really needed in their kids' lives, they would turn to Salat al-Hajjah, the prayer of need. Anytime they saw a blessing appear in their children's lives, it would be very quick to pray the Salat al-Shukr, prayer of gratitude. They prayed for their children when their kids started working, even if it was something as simple as a babysitting job. They prayed for their children to always have halal incomes, permissible incomes. From a young age they prayed for their children to grow up, to have pious falsas. They always prayed for their children to have husnal khatima, a beautiful ending where they leave this world with the shahada, a testimony of faith, not only on their lips but in their hearts as well. Alright, the second tip. Your suhba, meaning your companionship, will make you or break you. So the common sensical advice is that you have to keep a close eye on who your kids' friends are. We all know that. But what I've realized over time is that it's not enough to just look at who your kids' friends are. We also have to be reflecting about who our friends are. Who's our circle? What kind of village are we raising our children up in? And it definitely takes a village to raise kids, especially in this day and age. And so if you find families where the husbands get along and the wives get along and the children get along and everybody is like-minded and has similar values, those are families that you want to grab. They're diamonds. And it's not necessary to have a hundred friends or to be the bell of the ball, the social butterfly, having tons of parties every weekend. Really, you only need two or three good, solid friends. And when it comes to suhba, I also noticed that a lot of these successful families had grandparents living in the home. Over and over these exceptional young people, I found out they had a grandmother or a grandfather who was in the home. And it makes sense because in this day and age, where it's all about me, me, me, having to worry about somebody else's needs and having to show respect to elders gets taught by having to do it day in and day out. There's also the importance of mentorship to not just rely on your kids being friends with people who are only their ages. It's important to find the young goals, I like to call them young goals, young uncles and the Bajis, the older sisters in the community, who can be a good influence and who have a passion for the religion but who are also succeeding in their studies and their careers and can be good role models for your kids. So it's important to bring them in your circles as well. And it takes time to invest in friendship. It takes time for people to feel that they trust you and they're willing to be vulnerable around you. So look out for good friends. Okay. So who could possibly be the best companion for our kids? And that brings me to the third tip. These parents told me the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was a living, breathing reality in our lives. He was not somebody from the ancients. He was not from somebody from the history books or only relegated to Sunday school lessons. He was somebody relevant and he was somebody real. The way you may talk about a grandfather who your children never met who may have passed away before your kids were born, but your kids grow up hearing every detail about the grandfather and they grow up loving him and respecting him and hoping to meet him one day. That's the kind of relationship these kids had with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. When our children were back in preschool, we asked Imam Zaid Shakir, what should we be teaching them? Imam Zaid said teach them Sida, the biography of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and Nashid's songs written in praise of him. I know the two-year-old right now whose parents do not play nursery rhymes for him. They only play Nashid's and I've witnessed this myself where he will get in the car, two-year-old and he'll tell his parents, mama, put on Allahumma salli ala and it's really beautiful to hear that. Right now it's just on his lips, but insha'Allah eventually the sallahu alayhi wa sallam will penetrate his heart. That's what he's growing up with. I have a nephew named Mustafa who's 15 years old now, masha'Allah. But back when he was seven years old I was visiting my sister and I saw a yellow book which is available on Amazon even now if you want to order it for yourself. It was called Shama'il, S-H-A-M-A-I-L, which means characteristics. It's written by a mom there, Mithi back in the 9th century. And I saw that sitting next to his bed and I asked my sister, what's up with this book? Tell me about it. And she told me, oh, Shama'il is just a collection of hadiths, a collection of characteristics about the Prophet Salli alayhi wa sallam and every night, before Mustafa goes to bed, his father reads him one hadith, just one, about some detail of the Prophet Salli alayhi wa sallam and she said that for Mustafa to know something like the fact that the Prophet Salli alayhi wa sallam liked to eat dates and cucumbers together made him feel like he actually knew him. So you can't really remind somebody until you know him. So that's important to keep that in mind that the Prophet Salli alayhi wa sallam should be somebody who's mentioned often. Okay, fourth tip. Oops. All right. So the fourth tip is I wrote it up for the PowerPoint as beware of the dangers of don't. In the article, I actually wrote it up as having fun wasn't haram in our home, it wasn't impermissible, it wasn't prohibited, but we kept the home environment as halal as possible, as permissible as possible. So what beware of the dangers of don't means is that kids should not be growing up hearing no, no, no, no, no. They should actually be growing up hearing yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And we want our kids to feel that their religion enables them to have a full and happy life. And they shouldn't be seeing it as a religion of restriction and constriction. Later on, obviously, they're going to learn the thick rules and why we don't do the different things that we don't do. But in the early years, it requires that we be very, very creative in how we say no to our kids. And a small example that I'll give for the home environment is many of these parents told me that they had very, very tight media control in the home. They had very limited screen time for their children, whether it was the iPhone or the iPad or the television set. But instead of telling their kids the entire week, no, you can't use the phone or no, you can't watch TV, they had set rules for how much media time was allowed but then on the weekends, they would go all out and oftentimes many of them told me that they would have what they call the family movie night and the entire family would watch a movie together, a movie that they could discuss and enjoy and they would pop popcorn and bring out ice cream. So the kids had something to look forward to and they didn't see it as that were constantly being kept from entertainment. They actually had something that they were going to anticipate. She's a female scholar. She told me that for every haram that you stop your children from, you have to give them two halal so that they can enjoy. So that's a good motto to keep in mind. And the one tip that I want everybody to take from beware of the dangers of don't, which is really about how, what kind of a home environment we have, is that every single one of these parents told me that they did not allow internet-enabled devices or television sets in the privacy of their children's bedrooms. If there's nothing else we take from tonight, besides that tip, not to allow internet access in the privacy of your children's bedrooms or unsupervised access to the internet and the power of the well, then we're off to a good start, inshallah. Alright, fifth tip. I don't know why this is so slow. Okay. These parents told me and the kids that our parents didn't just talk the talk. They walked the walk, which means that their parents practiced what they preached. There is nobody who picks up on hypocrisy quicker than children. We may think that they're not noticing that they actually are. They're like sponges. Whatever is around them, that's what they're soaking up. And when they get squeezed, that's what comes out. And Dr. Rania Awad said that children listen with their eyes. Children listen with their eyes. And one young man told me that he remembers his father weeping when he missed a prayer. He one time missed a prayer in his son's presence and the son witnessed his father break down in tears of remorse. He told me that that did more for him than all the lectures about the importance he could have ever done for him. Just seeing how his father responded to the fact that he had missed the prayer time. And then Sheikh Nuhameen Keller says that children need to see that Islam worked. They need to see that Islam worked in the hall. They need to see that Islam is the reason parents treat each other with civility and respect. Islam is the reason that the parents have a clean and nice smelling and organized home. Islam is the reason we don't litter. Islam is the reason we're good citizens. Islam is the reason we care about the environment and that we stand in line and we follow the rules. So when kids grow up and they see that Islam gave them a life of dignity and grace and benefit, then inshallah they're going to hold on to it. The sixth tip was I wasn't afraid to be the bad guy but I didn't behave badly. That means that these parents said that while they were friendly with their children, they didn't try to be their children's best friends. Your best friend is not going to tell you that you need to brush your teeth. Your best friend is not going to tell you you need to go to bed on time. Your best friend is not going to tell you that you need to perform all five of your prayers. So there's three kinds of parenting out there. There's permissive parenting which is also called jellyfish parenting where parents are always whining and begging their kids to listen and the kids are ignoring them. Then there's authoritarian parenting which is also known as brick wall parenting where it's my way or the highway only my rules matter only the adults get to have a say in anything. And then the third form of parenting which is considered the best form of parenting is authoritative parenting which is also called backbone parenting. It's where parents say what they mean and they mean what they say and kids actually respect their authority in their lives. And a really good book that I'd like to recommend that teaches about how to be an authoritative parent is a book by Dr. Leonard Sacks His last name is called SAX and it's called The Collapse of Parenting The Collapse of Parenting Alright. The seventh tip these parents shared is I always kept them close by and because I was involved in a homeschooling co-op and we homeschooled our three sons people assumed that's what I'm talking about that homeschooling is the only way to do it, not at all. The families I spoke to, they homeschooled they private school, they public school they sent their kids to Islamic schools what it did mean and I know this is a sensitive subject and it's not a judgment call on anyone this is just the data I collected all of these parents told me that they didn't put their kids in day care their kids were not in day care from like 6, 7 in the morning till 6 or 7 in the evening these children some of these families had nannies who helped take care of the kids but the actual tarbiyah the actual upbringing of the children was done primarily by a parent or a grandparent in the home and Shif al-Adauddin Bakri he said that there's three avenues in which your children are being influenced at all times and those three avenues are the streets which means their social life where their friends are the school and the home the streets, the school and the home and he said that you have to be winning in two out of three of those avenues you have to be the primary influence in your kids lives in two out of three of those avenues and a great book that can teach you how to be how to hold your kids close is a book called hold on to your kids why parents need to matter more than peers hold on to your kids why parents need to matter more than peers the eighth tip we didn't spoil our kids nor did we praise them too much that means that these parents were very very worried and very aware about their kids nufus their kids egos they were very concerned about their children's spiritual development not just their academic and their physical development and an anecdote I'd like to share with you is I had a student in my home school in co-op many of you have heard of north star school and north star here in the bay area every year in the month of rubble level they have a national poetry competition where they have students from all over the country submit poems written in praise of the prophet and there's usually a theme that they've chosen which the kids write on and then they have their annual fundraiser and at the fundraiser in front of hundreds of people they announce who won the poetry competition so one year one of the students from our home school in co-op won and we were very very proud of her and it was announced at the banquet that she was the first place winner and at that same time I was organizing an event at our local Islamic center so I took the mom's the little girl's mom aside and I asked her if it would be possible for this girl to come and recite the great book that can teach you how to hold your kids close is a book called hold on to your kids why parents need to matter more than peers hold on to your kids why parents need to matter more than peers the eighth tip we didn't spoil our kids nor did we praise them too much that means that these parents were very very worried and very aware about their kids nufus their kids egos they were very concerned about their children spiritual development not just their academic and their physical development and an anecdote I'd like to share with you is I had a student in my home school in co-op many of you have heard of north star school and north star here in the Bay Area every year in the month of Rabi'u-Lawal they have a national poetry competition where they have students from all over the country submit poems written in praise of the prophet and there's usually a theme that they've chosen which the kids write on and then they have their annual fundraiser and at the fundraiser in front of hundreds of people they announce who won the poetry competition so one year one of the students from our home school in co-op won and we were very very proud of her and it was announced at the banquet that she was the first place winner and at that same time I was organizing an event at our local Islamic center so I took the mom's the little girl's mom aside and I asked her if it would be possible for this girl to come and recite the poem at the event that I was organizing and the mom paused and she thought about it and she said you know she's been receiving a lot of praise for that poem this week and her name was announced in front of hundreds of people and then this week she just happened to be in a science program in Tilden Park in Berkeley when KQED or PBS one of those TV stations was there with their local camera crew and they were filming a science program and they ended up interviewing my daughter for their science program and that's going to be airing on television she's like I just don't think it's good for her enough I don't think it's good for her ego to be in the spotlight so we're going to go ahead and say no and I remember being very very impressed with that because who wouldn't want their child to come and recite a poem about the prophets and baptism in front of everyone but this mother was concerned about something a little deeper a little bit more invisible and that little girl's grown up to be an exceptional young adult Mashallah who's done some great things in life but she's got a lot of humility and a lot of grace Mashallah okay the ninth tip talk to your kids with love these parents told me that they were not afraid to apologize to their children when the parents messed up they did not hold grudges when their children messed up they told me that they wanted their kids to look at the world around them through what they called the eye of discernment meaning that they wanted their kids to look at the world through a critical eye one dad told me that he didn't like the movie frozen he didn't like the messaging of the movie but he didn't prohibit his daughters from watching it he watched it with them but then he got them to think about it he pointed out the famous song let it go he pointed out the lyrics in it he you know the song is all about let it let go of the rules the rules don't matter anymore and he talked to them about like well what is this messaging that rules don't matter and what do rules do for us and why are rules important why do we follow rules what kind of rules do we have in our religion would you ever want to let them go what would happen if you let them go so these parents told me that they know that there's a time coming when they have to let go but they said they wanted to get their voices into their kids heads so that once their kids were older and out in the world on their own they would have their parents voices guiding them oh and one mom told me that she comes from a very specific Arab culture and she said that it's very common in her culture that parents when they're upset with their children they curse them and she said in Arabic their moms and dads will yell things like may I love her down your home and may Allah destroy you and she said nobody takes it seriously it's part of the culture but she said when she was little her mom would yell duas at them and she said when her mother was like ready to pull out her hair and was really frustrated she would scream things like may Allah guide you may Allah give us jannatah for those may Allah forgive all of us as she said when she had her children and they were driving her crazy that's what she defaulted to she defaulted to her mother's voice and she said she would end up screaming the words at her kids and the last tip this is the tip that causes the most tears unfortunately every time I've given this talk this is the most painful one but it's a very very important one all of these families told me that their children had a pious father who engaged them that's the key part who engaged them being pious isn't enough having the long beard and the prayer beads in your hand running to the masjid for all five prayers wonderful qualities but what the data shows is it's not enough it's really really important to be present in your children's lives and to show them that this religion is a religion of joy and it's a religion of love and for the longest time I would say that you know I don't have any science to back me up this is just what families are telling you but now I actually have science to back me up there is a book written by a man named Dr. Vern Benston and the name of the book is families and faith how religion is passed down across the generations and he did this landmark study where in 1972 he interviewed started following 2000 families and he followed them from 1972 to 2006 he would interview them every five years and Jewish and Christian families for over 30 years and what he found is overwhelmingly the families where the religion continued to be practiced in the next generation and those families the children said that they had a father who was committed to the religion who was sincere about the religion who loved the religion but also took time to spend with his children and to be involved in their lives and to take an interest in their lives alright so that brings me to my conclusion which is you know there's nobody who loves checklists more than me there are some to-do lists but I know that when it comes to parenting it's not like baking it's not like this recipe you follow and in the end you get the results that you want we know that it's completely the mercy of Allah if you know we get the results that we've been hoping and praying for and we know throughout history even the prophets were tested with wayward children rebellious children and Allah has promised us in the Quran that he's going to test us with our health and our wealth and our children and we pray that he doesn't test us with our children but we have to be ready for whatever's coming our way and Shef Yahya wrote us that at the end of the day we're not going to be held accountable for how our children turn out what we're going to be held accountable for is what we did to facilitate their success and I know somebody who did all of these things all ten of these tips she could have written the book on how to raise kids and she told me one day that her son called her from college and said he wasn't praying anymore he told her that he wasn't feeling the Dean as he put it and she told me very very calmly and I kind of took in the information and then I said why aren't you panicking why aren't you freaking out I'm telling you that he's not praying how can you just say it so lightly and she said because I have a high opinion of my Lord she said from day one I've been praying for my children's success in the Dean, the religion and in the Duneia, the worldly life and she said I know that those prayers didn't just disappear into thin air so I know that those prayers were heard and that they'll be answered but they'll be answered in the last time not in my time she left her door open she and her family the rest of her family kept practicing the religion with joy and love and they let you know to their son that they're still moving forward with what they believe is right he's welcome to join them or not but they're still moving forward and he observed them for a while and alhumdulillah later one day he came back he came back to the practice of the faith and he worked and he saw that there was love and there was benefit and so that takes us back to the first tip, du'a the mom kept praying for her son she didn't give up on it and so I'm going to end with the du'a I'm just going to read the translation of it it's from sudo 14, the ayah 40 and I'm going to read the English translation of it oh my lord oh my lord make me one who establishes regular prayer and also raise such among my offspring oh our lord and accept thou my prayer oh our lord cover us with thy forgiveness me my parents and all believers on the day that the reckoning will be established amin thank you