 hey jam to another welcome back to another therapy Thursday it was a good session I feel like I needed more time because it's been such a heavy and long and overwhelming week every time I get to a point in therapy where I feel like you got this you doing your thing you healing you moving on you know you're good spirits and then life happens and I get back into a space where I realize that you got more to dig up you got more to face you got more to analyze and process and release listen although I went to therapy for one specific thing I have to remember that I am dealing with pretty much 30 years of unprocessed emotions and realities you know and when you think about it it all kind of just boils back down to when you think about it it it definitely goes way back to like your childhood and we all have an inner child that needs healing so this work is definitely continuous I don't know how long I'm gonna be in therapy but I don't think I'll be stopping anytime soon because I gotta I said that work to do you know I had a rough week mentally like my mentally I am overwhelmed I'm exhausted and a lot is going on in my head I've been very much in my head all week so I haven't been as productive as I wanted to or needed to be so we were kind of just going through what is causing that for me right now even last week I had yeah last week my son had a meltdown and I'm not gonna go into all the details but he I was you know I was getting them ready for bed and you know he was upset about something he was crying and screaming and he was just saying a lot of mean things and you know I the only would react because that triggers me stuff like that triggers me but in I've learned to not react and instead talk him through it and try to help him identify his feelings and help him understand why he's feeling like how he's feeling in that moment yeah at one point but he blurted out my baba died already I only have you and in that moment I broke down like I started crying and I had to just I had to step away from the situation so I asked my mother to finish getting them ready and I went outside and I cried for like 20 30 minutes because like although I know that I'm their only parent now like with him saying that in that in such a emotional way and such a hurt like you could I could hear it or hurt in his voice I could see the hurt on his face and he said it was so much passion that like it hit me that like I am all you have you know like the one thing that I cannot do for you is bring your baba back I could never fix up for him I'm not gonna cry I could never fix stuff for him nobody could replace that not even my father like my father doesn't even replace the absence of his baba because my father doesn't do the things that his baba did for him or did with him and I can't even put that on nobody I can't I can't ask anybody to be that for him he misses baba you know like he if he can verbally say that listen my baba is dead but I don't think he fully completely understand what that means yet he's still trying to process that and I just after I calm down I came back inside and I he was laying down and he was still crying and I just rubbed his back and I had to just talk to him and explain to him like it's okay for you to miss your baba it's okay for you to be sad about missing your baba or be sad because your baba is in here and you know I told him like I get sad too I get sad sometimes I said but you can't take that out on mama like I am not it's not my fault that your baba is in here it's not your fault that your baba is in here you know and I'm sorry but I cannot I can't fix that for you I can't bring him back but because I am all you have you have to be kind to mama you have to be respectful you know we have to work together we have to stick together and you know like as I talked to him and told him like I do the best I can for you you know I make sure that you're healthy that you're safe that you have everything you need like I do the best that I can for you at one point he did say like oh you're gonna at one point he said like you're not my mama anymore whatever you know he was just burning out things so when I when I was talking to him to calm him down I asked him I said you don't want me to be your mama anymore he said yes I do and I said do you want to be around mama he said yes I do so like he I know he was burning out those things out of frustration and and and confusion and anger and whatever emotions he was feeling but I had to bring it back down to reality to him to read to make him understand that his words carry a lot like his words can hurt feelings his words can hear your words hold power so I said you cannot say those mean things to mama because I am all you have and you know I take care of you and you know I love you so he calmed down as I talked to him and explain everything to him anyways I say all of that to say this because I was having a heavy week and I was way more emotional than I've been in a very long time this week and a lot of stuff has been coming up for me and my therapist pointed out she was like do you think that that incident with my son last week him pointing out that I'm all he has kind of triggered something in you to feel like you have to do everything alone and I I thought about it I was like wow yeah because everything is my responsibility even with the support that I do get at the end of the day it is my responsibility if I don't ask it doesn't get done if I am not on top of things it doesn't get done if I don't if I don't initiate if I don't if I don't remember like any little mistake at the end of the day nobody else is there to pick up that slack because it is my responsibility if I need help I have to ask for that you know even last week when I was sick like I was so out of it so out of it but I still have to cook I saw how to braid the hair make sure they got ready for the week do laundry like I literally dragged myself to the day feeling like shit because at the end of the day it's my responsibility and if I don't ask nobody's gonna say hey I see that you're not feeling well go and get some rest I'll do this you know so I did ask I asked for help at the end of the day and thankfully I did get a little assistance but which I am so grateful for but my point is it is my responsibility and that gets overwhelming sometimes and that's what's been happening this week like everything is hitting me at once if I drop the ball it's not gonna get done and it's just weighing on my head the another thing that I explored in therapy today which part of this I know is because and if you understand how your chakras work and you also understand that women hold emotion and trauma in their womb and their hip area you'll understand what I'm about to say this week have been because I do yoga and Pilates pretty much every day but this week specifically I'm I'm consciously and intentionally focusing on my hips and opening my hips so I've been doing a lot of hip openers this week which I usually don't work on hip openers because it's such an uncomfortable thing for me but I I really do know that I hold a lot in my hips which is why I am being intentional about it now and I've been a lot like a lot of emotions just started coming up for me and a couple days ago I was talking to somebody and I realized that I don't vent to this person anymore and I didn't I didn't notice it there's more than one reason for all of that I'm not gonna get into details but I'm gonna get to the point so I was telling my my therapist about you know my relationship with this person and how I don't vent to them anymore and she pointed out that oh she asked me why do I think that is and I told I thought I thought about it because in the moment when I realized I don't vent to the person anymore I was the person said like you know I'm here you know you can vent for me vent to me and in my mind I'm saying like why would you make that assumption you know you can vent to this person you know this like it's a safe space it's okay but a voice in my head immediately said nah they don't think you're weak in that moment I got emotional and I started crying and like I was like what is going on why are you crying why do you feel like this what is happening why is all of this coming up I was so confused but I just sat there in that discomfort and thought about it and I realized that in my last relationship the more I vent to him the more he called me weak the more I express it the more I asked for help the more I wanted him to do things for me or with me he called me weak especially when we lived in Ghana like he compared me to the Ghanaian women and just said that I wasn't tough enough and that how I because I didn't want to live such a hard life and I didn't want to do certain things like I was just weak to him he called me weak so much that I shut down I stopped opening up to him of course I stopped asking him to do me do anything for me I just I completely shut that down and I started to do things on my own and did things so that he didn't so that I didn't have to hear him call me weak or see me as weak so anyways when that voice said nah they don't think you weak I immediately realized after think no after thinking about it I realized that like you have subconsciously shut yourself down because of this man and how he calls you weak and like I know I'm not weak but now I have to rewire my brain to understand that just because he saw you as weak doesn't mean another man is gonna see you as weak you know because a real man would know that he should be a safe space for you to vent and to unload your feelings and emotions and your needs on him and although I used to vent to this person my therapist pointed out that maybe the reason why I stopped is because the dynamic of our relationship changed and now you're putting up a wall because subconsciously protecting yourself because of what your ex did or what your ex said you know I don't know where I'm going with all of this I'm just working through stuff as things come up I'm working through it and now I am just going to work through that I'm going to make a conscious effort to open up more and feel safe in doing that you know and know that although I know I'm not weak in any capacity like I also need to know that whether or not someone else sees me that way it does not matter but specifically people close to me yeah I just it's I just kind of been going through it this week that's all I'm going to shift my focus because one thing about me is that I don't I don't thrive in multitasking like I work better by focusing on one thing at a time and because the people around me feel like I have to do all these things at once and be able to do everything and be a mother and be a business owner and work and take care of home and it's a lot it's a lot and I don't have another person there who can equally share that responsibility for me so when I have to ask for help and the response is oh you should be able to do it by yourself I shut down in shutting down I start thinking about all the things I have to do on my own and I get mentally overwhelmed and I become unproductive and I guess in short I kind of I've been feeling a little stuck this week and my therapist said stillness is productive too and in that stillness you'll be able to I can't remember the exact word she said but she pretty much said like in that stillness you'll be able to figure out what you need to focus on next and find direction so she said be still until spirit tells you to move again and listen that was a word okay be still until spirit tells you to move again because then when you move again you will have that motivation you will be productive and you will be focused and you'll be able to pour into whatever it is you're working on so I've been so hard on myself this week because I'm like I need to be productive I have a timeline I have things I have to get done if I don't do it it's not gonna get done but girl just be still just be still so I'm gonna refocus and try again next week anyways I did not mean for this video to be so long I kind of was all over the place with what I was talking about but that's because we were literally all over the place in therapy today because it was just so many different things that I had to pour out and then she like connected the dots to everything and at the end of the day it boiled down to me creating some mental ease so that I can refocus and give myself some grace so yeah anyways I hope this video turns out to be somewhat informative or helpful to somebody because I know when I'm editing this I'm gonna be like what are you talking about why are you all over the place there's no direction with this video but that's that is literally the direct reflection of what my week has been so I hope that if you've been thinking about going to therapy that this video is a reminder for you to start and to all my Melanita women protect your womb by any means necessary and to everybody watching protect your peace by any means necessary I wish you all love light and prosperity and you'll see me in my next video