 And now for the spaniard that blighted my life, Jack Benny. Oh, Jack. Jack. Oh, Jack. Oh, Don, I forgot to tell you, Jack just called up and said he'd be a few minutes late. He's taking a taxi right over. Oh, then I better tell Bessar to play another number. Well, why don't you tell a few jokes, Don? Oh, I don't know any, Mary. Why don't you tell one? Well, the only one I know is the one about the goat without a nose. And you know how that smells. Well, I'll tell you what, let's tune in on a few taxi cabins and see if we can find Jack. That's a good idea. Taxi, mister? Yes, quick. I'm late. Sure thing. You know, this is a radio cab. I not only take you where you want to go, but I give you entertainment besides. Yeah, that's nice, but hurry up. Yeah, where you're going and what program do you want to hear? Sixth Avenue and 49th Street and the rise of the Goldbergs. Okay, chief. Hey, what kind of a cab is this, anyway? Fifteen and five. Fifteen for the ride and five for the Goldbergs. I can see you weren't always a taxi driver. No, I used to be a master of ceremonies. Did you ever hear the one about the peacocks? No. It's a wonderful tale. It always was. And don't pull any of those jokes. You know, I'm a master of ceremonies myself. Oh, yeah? Well, why ain't you driving a cab? Hey, driver, just watch that road ahead of you, will you? Hey, don't worry about me. I've hit over a hundred pedestrians in a race. One mark in this cab. Oh, that's good. Come on, step on it. I'm late now. Hey, hey, what's the big idea? And that streetcar won't get over. No, it won't, eh? Well, you'll have the same trouble with the Empire State Building. Take it easy. Well, can you imagine that? I can't beat that red light. Isn't that too bad? Hey, bud, you've only gone three blocks and the meter read 60 cents. What's the idea? Well, you see, you're the first customer today and the meter's jumping for joy. That's good. Some fun. Go ahead. There's the whistle. That duck got it. She stalled again and I can't stand it. Can you imagine that? Yeah, in fact, I had a bet on it. And say, when you're as old as this cab, you'll stall once in a while, too. Oh, there she is. Hey, you'd better step on it, buddy, or my program will be over before I get there. All right, kid, I'll have you there in a minute. Uh-oh, the cop. I'll never get to the studio now. Fine mess. A rough-looking guy, too. Here he comes. Hey! Where do you think you're going? Hey, you'll have to talk to this guy in the cab, officer. He's in a hurry, not me. Uh, anything wrong, officer? Do you know you were going 60 miles an hour? No. Yes. And don't you know that the speed limit is 25? No. Yes. You realize that I'm Jack Benny, the radio comedian? No! Well, you just love our new courthouse. Here, take this. What's that? It's your ticket. No! Yes! Oh, but seriously, officer, I'm in a hurry. You know, I have to broadcast tonight. Now, wait a minute. As man to man, didn't you see that red light up there? No. Didn't you hear me blow a whistle? No. Didn't you see me at all? No, a thousand times now. Oh, well, then I'm just a failure. Yeah. Yeah, you ought to be in pictures. Goodbye, officer. Goodbye. You better speed up now, boy. I gotta get to the studio. Okay, Chief. Say, were we going 60? It didn't seem like 60 to me. Well, I got those general blow-up proof tires, aren't you, Chief? They ride like cushions. Yeah, it won't help you. Ten cents is all I ever tip. Here we are. This is it. How much? Three dollars and ten cents. Yeah, here's seventy cents. Yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah, I hope I'm not too late. Hello, hello, fellas. Everybody here? Yeah, we're all here. Okay, play, Don. I receive or two from no-known Annette, played by Don Bester and his fiddlers three. His drummers one and his saxophones plenty. Oh, boy, am I lukewarm tonight. Well, I'm glad I got here in time to hear that last number. You've got some great men there, Don. Really, but confidentially, you know, I don't care for that cello player. Who? That cello player. You're wrong, Jack. Because there's one fellow who knows his own. I know that, but he should learn something about a cello, too. I mean, none of my business, you know, but say down that fiddler player you've got. I mean, do you like him? Yeah, very much, Jack. Well, maybe I'm wrong. What's his name? Hypheth. Oh, it must be me, I guess. Well, anyway, tonight, folks, we have a thrilling... Say, Jack. Oh, there you are, Wilson. Where were you tonight? Well, I was a little late. I dropped in to see a picture, and you should have been there, Don. You had to cry your eyes out. Oh, why? Was it that sad? No, the picture was all right, but a fella came out and sang wagon wheels, and I know how you like general tires. You had to cry your eyes out. Well, I saw a picture this afternoon, and I really did cry. Yeah, what picture was that? Wild garble. That's wild cargo. Nothing to cry about in that picture. There isn't. Imagine paying 75 cents in the balcony at a matinee. Oh, I see. Anything over 10 cents is dramatic to Wilson, you know. Which reminds me, folks, I read in the paper today where Harry Lauder is swimming over for another tour of America. You reminded me of that, Wilson. Now, say, Jack, I hear you're going out to Hollywood next week to make a picture. Yes, Vester, who told you? Well, I saw it in the papers. How do you think you'll do in pictures, Jack? Oh, all right. I don't know. I guess I ought to be as good as William Powell or Clark Gable. I mean, there's really no difference between us. Of course, William Powell has a nice moustache. Well, I can raise one in three days. I mean, that's nothing. And then look at Clark Gable. He has a cute dimple in his cheek. Oh, well, that's easy. I can have three of my side teeth pulled out. That'll help. Gee, Jack, I think you'll just be swell in pictures. Do you really think so, Mary? Sure. There's always room for another Boris Karloff. But I'm not a Karloff, Mary. No, but you certainly Boris. Oh, is that all? Who wrote that? Listen, Mary, what I am... Mary, what I haven't got for pictures, I can borrow. You know that. What do you mean? Well, if I play a Napoleon part, I can borrow a uniform. If I play a Tarzan part, I can borrow a leopard skin. How about sex appeal? That's the only thing I'm worried about. Hey, but what has sex appeal got to do with it, Mary? You love me, don't you? Yes, but do I know what I'm doing? Play down. I'm going to look in the mirror. Believe me. Now, with Frank Parker singing, May I, from the motion picture, we're not dressings. Now, let me tell you something, folks. Frank sings with the same quality that a certain tire has, which I don't like to mention on this program. But as a slight hint, you all remember what rank perching held in the Army. But just put tire on the end of that, you get the ideas. Listen, Parker, your voice is getting better, and to tell you the truth, I'd sooner hear you sing than Don Bester any time. I'll bet you say that to all the singers. All right, stick to your singing. Say, Jack, you just made a personal appearance at the Capitol Theater, didn't you? Yes, Frank, I was there for two weeks, and I hate to boast, but the theater was jammed. Standing room only. Were you in to see me? No, I went home and got a seat. I don't blame you. You know, Frank, Mary was at the Capitol with me. I didn't know that. Were you a big hit, Mary? Colossal. Well, that's fine. I'm glad to hear it. Jack, what does colossal mean? Well, colossal. Colossal means... Give me that dictionary minute there. Will you, Frank? Yeah, here it is. That's the colossal. Colossal. K-O-L. K-O-L-O. K-O-L-O. See, it isn't even here. I guess there's no such word. What dictionary is that? Webster's. Oh, well, he makes a lot of mistakes. Well, anyway, Frank, we both played the Capitol Theater. We had a lot of fun, though, didn't we, Jack? We sure did, Mary. Remember the nice you sang, Smoke gets in your eyes and the fella hits you in the nose with a grapefruit? What are you laughing at? Squirt-cutting your eyes. Say, Frank. Yes, Jack? Let me straighten you out on this. You know the fella that threw that cut on food. Well, I paid him to do it just to get a laugh out of the audience. Oh, yeah? Well, what about the other two guys that were throwing statues? Well, they were freelancing. I had nothing to do with that. That's drop it, Mary. Frank, where were we on the program before we started to talk about the Capitol? Page 8. You said you liked my scene. Oh, yes, here. I got it. You certainly are a great singer. Say, Jack, that reminds me. You know, my folks are very fond of you, but they feel slighted that you went to Don Best's house and Don Wilson's, and you never paid us a visit. Oh, I'm sorry, Frank. Well, they asked me to bring you over tonight, Jack, and I've got to do it. Oh, no, Frank. No, wait. I went to Wilson's house last week and had to move a piano all around the room, you know? That was a fine rest for me, moving pianos. Well, you won't have to worry about that. There won't be any trouble about that, Jack. We have no piano. Well, that's something. We have an organ. Well, I'm not going to push any organs around either. Why don't you go, Jack? It might be a mouse organ. Oh, that's right. Where do you live, Frank? Right down here in Greenwich Village. Oh, you mean the artist's colony where all those painters, poets, and singers live? Yes, my family were all singers. My father was a famous baritone, and my mother was a soprano with the Metropolitan Opera Company. She was, well. Does she know Lucia de Lamamore? No, we just moved in last week. Oh. I wouldn't expect that. Well, Jack, how about it? You know, my folks would sure like to meet you and Mary, too. Well, I, uh... Aw, come on, Jack. What can we do? Say, can we take Don Wilton along? No, he eats too much. Yes, especially when he's a guest. Yeah. Well, come on, Jack. Let's go. It's getting late anyway. Okay, say besters. Yes, Jack. Uh, take care of the rest of this program. Well, I'm going over to Parker's house to meet his folks. Where? Over to Frank Parker's house. Hey, what are you laughing at? Oh, nothing, Jack. I was there last Tuesday night. Good luck to you. Hey, wait a minute, Don. I don't like the way you said that. Listen, don't you think I ought to go? I'm not saying a thing, Jack. You'll find out. Say, boys, Jack's going over to Parker's house tonight. Well, come on, Jack. Let's go. Okay, Frank. Come on, Mary. Gee, play, Don. Yep, this is it. Uh, how much is a driver? $3.10. Oh, the same guy, eh? Here's $0.70 for you. Yeah, that's what I meant. It's funny I never can figure that number. Uh, so this is a place, eh? Quite an old house, isn't it, Frank? Yes, but it's nice and side. You know, artistic environment and everything. I bet the rent's cheap too. What a dump. Quiet, Mary. Well, let's go up. The folks are all waiting. Is this the apartment, Frank? No, that's a Chinese laundry. We're one-flight-up. Oh, I saw a sign singing fat. I thought it was your place, you know what I mean? Sounds like all the folks are at home, eh? Well, here we are. Now, right this way into the parlor. Hmm, nice place you have, Frank. Gee, it's swell up here. Oh, whose picture is that on the wall? Oh, that's Caruso, remember him? Oh, sure, Robinson Caruso. Oh, you can fool Mary. Now, just make yourselves at home, and I'll call the folks in. Okay, Frank, what are they doing now? Oh, just practicing arpeggios. Oh, you mean the scales? Yes, notes to you. Notes to you, too. Now, that's too good to come here to be in trouble. Fine, have to insult me on a program, eh? Come into the next room, Jack. I want you to meet my father. Sure, sure, Parker. Where's your father? Tipo, tipo. Signore. Father, father. Father, I want you to meet Jack Benny. Don't bother me, son. Signore. It's all right, Frank. It's all right. No hurry. Father, father, this is Jack Benny. Oh. Lord on a mobile, how do you feel today? So you're Jack Benny, and this is Mary. I'm glad to know you. Let's play pinocchio, a nickel, a hundred, and the cards are all right, too. Oh-ho, oh-ho, the cards are all right, too. That was the cards are all right here by Frank Parker, Sr. and Jr. Jack, ask him if he knows Lady Mary when you get up. Oh, wait, here comes Mother. Mother, this is Jack Benny and Mary Livingston. Ah, good evening, Mrs. Parker. I'm feeling fine, but who can tell? I'm looking good and feeling well. I'm eating well, but who can tell? I'm feeling fine, but who can tell? Nice play to God, Frank. Well, Mary, how do you like Mother's reign? I like her whole kitchen. You know, Parker, your mother looks fine, but your dad doesn't look so well. Well, dad's leading a foul slice. Hmm. Hello, Frank. Hello, James. Oh, Jack, I want you to meet my sister, James. James, it's Jack Benny and Mary Livingston. How do you do? What is this, anyway? We're the hey, nanny, nanny, and a hot shot shot. Well, have them say, Frank, what was that? A piece of, you know, a piece of black sheep for the family. Oh. It was in a nightclub. Oh, Jack, look at that pretty bird. Yes. That's our singing canary, Jack. And what a singer. Come on, sing something, Primo. Oh, Primo Canary. I knew, I knew I saw that bird somewhere. You know, that little bird listens into all of our program. Well, isn't that nice? Primo, what do you think of our announcer, Don Wilson? You said it. Oh, yeah? I resent, sir. Frank, turn off that radio. Oh, look, Jack, they even have a singer sewing machine. Mary, it's the general tire program. Oh. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Me, too. I'd rather move canners. Say, Jack, would you like some of that? No. I'd like some chili and some beans. This is the silliest program we've ever had. Let's cook. Well, we've got some. Oh, Hungarian rhapsody. I'll have some of that well done. What do you want, Mary? I'll have the menacing spring sauce. That song, Mary. Now, listen, let's have some fun while we're waiting. How about the radio? Let's tune in on the radio. Here's the problem again. And here's the general tire show. The show, the show, the show. That's right, Mr. Parker. Tune in and see what our boys are doing. I knew it. I knew it. I think we'll go anyway. I've had enough of this joint. Me, too. Goodbye, goodbye, Mrs. Parker. Goodbye, goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. That's all I want to know. Play, Doc.