 My name is Sam Baknin, and I am the author of Malignum's Search Lab, Narcissism Revisited. Over the years I have corresponded with hundreds of inverted narcissists and thousands of co-dependents. Here is a selection from these correspondents. This is part 3, out of 3. Be sure to watch the previous two. Why do inverted narcissists stick to narcissists? Why this selection mechanism? Well, one inverted narcissist tried to enlighten me. She said, I am built this way. I may have overstated it by saying that I have no choice, because in fact I do. The choice is, live in an emotionally deadened, monochrome world, where I can reasonably interact with normal people. Or, I can choose to be with a narcissist, in which case my world is technicolor, emotionally satisfied, alive and wondrous. Yes, I admit, it can also be turbulent, and a real roller coaster ride for the unprepared, not to mention incredibly damaging for people who are not inverted narcissists, and who fall into relationships with narcissists. But, as I have walked on both sides of the street, and because I have developed coping mechanisms that protect me really quite well, I can reasonably safely engage in a primary, intimate relationship with the narcissist without getting hurt by it. The real why of it all is that I learned as a young child that being eaten alive by a narcissist's parent, to the point where your existence is but an extension of his own, was how all relationships ought to work. It's a psychological imprint. It's my love map, my comfort zone. It is what feels right to me, intrinsically, a pattern of living. I don't know how else to describe it, so you and others will understand how very natural and normal this is to me. It is not the torturous existence that most of the survivors of narcissism describe. My experience with narcissists, to me, are normal for me. Comfortable, like an old pair of slippers did fit perfectly. I don't expect many people to attempt to do this, to make themselves into this kind of person. I don't think anyone could, even if they tried. It is my need to be engulfed and merged that drives me to these relationships. When I get those needs met, I feel more normal, better about myself. I am the outer extension of the narcissist. In many ways, I am a vanguard, a public two-way warning system, fiercely defending my narcissist from harm and fiercely loyal to him, catering to his every need, and all these in order to protect his fragile existence. These are the dynamics of my particular version of engulfment. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I need only to be needed in this very particular way by a narcissist who inevitably possesses the ability to engulf in a way that normal, fully-realized adults cannot. So it is somewhat paradoxical. I feel more free and more independent with the narcissist than without one. I achieve more in my life when I am in this form of relationship. I try harder, I work harder. I am more creative, I think better for myself. I excel in most every aspect of my life. Not all inverted narcissists feel this way. Here's what another woman had to say. I go ahead and cater to him and pretend that his words don't hurt. Later, I engage in an internal fight with myself for being so damn submissive. It's a constant battle, and I can't seem to decide which voice in my head I should listen to. I feel like a fool, yet I would rather be a fool with him than a lonely, well-rounded woman without him. I've often said that the only way that we can stay together is because we feed off each other. I give him everything he needs, and he takes it. Seeing him happy and pleased is what gives me pleasure. I feel very successful then. How common is inverted narcissism? Is it yet another form of full-fledged narcissists? A woman wrote to me, I do think it's uncommon for girls to develop these patterns as they are usually trained to be self-effacing. I certainly was. However, I have a lot of the very same underlying patterns that full-blown obnoxious legalistic narcissists have. But I'm not a gothistical because I didn't develop the pattern of inflated ego and grandiosity. All the rest of it is there. I have a fragile ego, lack of center or self. I'm super sensitive to criticism and rejections. I have pathological obsessive envy. I have comparisons and competitive attitudes towards others and a belief that everyone in the world is either superior or inferior to me and so on. Sometimes I kind of wish I had developed the inflated ego of a complete narcissist because then I would at least be able to hide from all the pain that I feel. But at the same time, I'm glad that I didn't because those people have a much lower chance of recovery. How can they recover if they don't acknowledge anything is wrong? Whereas it's pretty clear to me that I have problems and I've spent my life working on these problems and trying to change myself and to heal. So what does it look like this battlefield of relationships between narcissists and inverted narcissists? Here's an insider view from a woman who wrote to me. She says, you have asked, can a narcissist and a non-narsist ever maintain a long-lasting marriage? Well, it would seem that a non-narsist would have too much self-esteem to lend him herself to a lifetime of catering and pandering to the narcissist's unending need for unearned adoration and glory. I, as a non-narsist, go tired of these people and their unremitting attempts to drain my psyche within a relatively short period of time. And so I abandoned them as soon as I realized what I was dealing with to preserve my own sanity. Other women feel differently. It depends on the non-narsists, says one of them. Narcissism is rigid. It's a systemic pattern of responses. It is so all-pervasive and so all-encompassing that it amounts to a personality disorder. If the non-narsist is codependent, for instance, then the narcissist is a perfect match for him or her and the union will last. A woman describes the daily mechanics of living with the narcissist. You have to pimp for the narcissist intellectually and sexually. If your narcissist is somatic, you are much better off lining up the sex partners than leaving him to do it. Intellectual pimping is more varied. You can think of wonderful things and then subtly string out the idea in the most delicate of packages and watch how the narcissist cogitate their way to their brilliant discovery whilst you bask in the glow of their perfection and success. The point of this entire exercise is to assure your supply, which is the narcissist himself. It is not to punish yourself by giving away a great idea or to abase yourself because of course you're not worthy of having such a great idea on your own. But who knows? It may seem that way to the inverted narcissist. It really depends on how self-aware the inverted is. Another woman. The only rejection you need to fear is the possibility of losing the narcissist. And if one is doing everything else right, this is very unlikely to happen. So by emotionally independent, I'm talking about being self-assured, doing your own thing, having a life, feeling strong and good about yourself, getting emotional sustenance from other people. I mean, let's face it, a drug is a drug, it's a habit. Habits are just and what they are not are the be an all of love. Habits are part of commitment and serene, symmetrical, balanced emotional perfection that is the ideal of the romanticized, love for a lifetime, all-American relationship. An inverted narcissist confesses, I am terribly turned on by narcissists. The most exciting moments of my life in every venue have been with narcissists. It is as if living and loving with normal people is a great thing by comparison, not fuel by sufficient adrenaline. I feel like a junkie now that I no longer permit myself the giddy pleasure of the rush I used to know when I was deeply and hopelessly involved with narcissists. I'm like a lotus eater and I always feel guilty about this and also sorry that I ever succumbed that first time to my first narcissist lover. Another woman agrees, I'm exactly this way and I feel exactly as you do, that the world is a CPM motion picture, but when I'm intimately involved with a narcissist it breaks out into three-dimensional technicolor and I can see and feel in ways that are not available to me otherwise. In my case, I developed this inverted narcissism as a result of being the favorite of my father who so completely absorbed me to his personality that I was not able to develop a sense of separation. So I'm stuck in his personality in this matrix of needing to be engulfed, adored by and completely taken over by a narcissist in my life. In turn, I worship, defend, regulate and procure a narcissistic supply for my narcissistic. It is like the mold and the molded. Another woman writes, in my case, I realized that while I can't stop loving my current narcissist, it isn't necessary for me to avoid as long as I can understand. In my way of looking at it, he is deserving of love and since I can give him love without hurting me, then as long as he needs it, he shall have it. My personal theory is that dogmatic religious culture is a retarding influence on the growth and maturation of those heavily involved. More and more autonomy and hence personal responsibility seems to be blithely sacrificed to the group mind-spirit. It is as though the church members become one personality and that personality is narcissistic and the individual just falls under the weight of that kind of group pressure, particularly through a child. If I displayed behavior that made my XXX look good to others, I was insipidly overvalued. When I dared to be something other than who she wanted me to be, the sarcastic criticism and total devaluation was unbelievable. So I learned to be all things to all people. I get a heavenly high from surrendering my power to a narcissist, in catering to them, in having them overvalue and need me, and it is the only time that I truly feel alive. We have very little choice in all of this. We are as vacant and warped as a narcissist. XXX was one to say, I don't have a personality disorder. I am a personality disorder. He defines who we are and how we will respond. You will always and only have real feelings when you are with the narcissist. It is your love man. It is a programming within your psyche. Does it need to control your behavior? Not necessarily. Knowing what you are can at least give you the opportunity to forecast the effect of an action before you take it. So, loveless, black and white may be the very healthiest thing for you for the foreseeable future. I tend to think of these episodes with narcissists as being cyclical. You will likely need to cut loose for a while when your child is older, but you will revert. A woman writes, do not feel ashamed, please. Should a physically handicapped person feel ashamed for their handicap? No, and neither should we. The trouble with us is that we are fooled into thinking that these relationships are guilty pleasures. They feel so very good for a time, but they are more akin to addiction satisfaction than being the right match or an appropriate relationship. I am still very conflicted myself about it. I wrote a few months ago that it was like having a caged, very dangerous animal inside of me. When I get near-narcissists, the animal smells its own kind and it warts out. I very carefully micromanage my life. This means that I daily do fairly regular reality checks. And I keep a very tight rein on myself and my behaviors. I am also obsessive compulsive. Another woman writes, I feel as though I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster. I may wake up in a good mood, but if my narcissist partner does or says something which is hurtful to me, my mood changes immediately. I now feel sad, empty, afraid. All I want to do at this point is anything that would make him say something nice to me. Once he does, I am back on top of the world. This pattern of mood changes, or whatever you want to call it, can take place several times a day, each and every day. I have gotten to the point where I am not sure that I can trust myself to feel any one way because I know that I have no control over myself. He has the control. And it is scary. Yet I have sort of come to depend on him, determining how I am going to feel. When I was first involved with my cerebral narcissist, concludes another inverted narcissist, I was like this. But after a while I just learned to become more emotionally distant. The ups and downs were just too much. And I found emotional gratification with other people, mostly girlfriends, and one or two male friends. I make a point of saying that the invert must be or become emotionally and financially independent. And if you don't want to do this, he will eat you up. And when he has finished with you and you are nothing but a husk, you will be expelled from his life in one big vomit. It is really important for you to start to take responsibility for your own emotional wellness, says this woman, without regard to how he treats you. Remember that the narcissist has the emotional maturity of a two year old. Don't expect much in the way of emotional depth or support in your relationship. He simply is not capable of anything that sophisticated. This concludes. Accepts from my correspondence with inverted narcissists. Be sure to watch all three parts. And to read the chapter inverted narcissists in my book Malignant Surflab Narcissism Revisited or online. On my website.