 The Jack Benny Program, presented by Lucky Strike. There's never a rough puff in a lucky. So light up a lucky and you'll see LS MFT. Yes, LS MFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, ripe, mild tobacco that smokes smooth, that brings you smoking enjoyment at its finest. And remember friends, fine tobacco costs more. At the Tobacco Auctions, Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars more than official parody prices for mellow, light leaf that gives you more mildness, more smoothness, more real, deep down, smoking enjoyment. Next time you buy cigarettes, remember, there's never a rough puff in a Lucky. So ask for the cigarette that's famous for fine, gentle tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester Dennis Day, the Sportsman Quartet and yours truly, Don Wilson. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills. It's evening and Jack has just finished his dinner. Ah, Rochester, that certainly was a good dinner. I haven't eaten so much since Thanksgiving. I really stuffed myself. He sure prepared a wonderful meal. Thanks, boys. Can I stuff pat in your stomach now? Yes. Anyway, it's your own fault. Next time, mash the potatoes first. Gosh, I'm full. Gee, Thanksgiving is such a nice holiday and I've got so much to be thankful for. I got my health. I've got a nice home. I live in California. Fred Allen lives in New York. It's a great, wide, wonderful world we live in. I'll get it, Rochester. It's 7.30. The world could be calling it this hour of the night. Oh, well. Hiya, Jackson. Hello, Mr. Benny. Well, this is a surprise. What are you fellas doing around here? I was over at the studio making a record and I ran into Dennis and we thought we'd drop over and see you. Oh, what record did you make, Phil? Drink to me only with thine eyes. Well, Phil, from the looks of thine eyes, thou hast been drinking. True. Which thou happened to have an aspirin about thee? Barely. Thou can't get one in yon machine. Thanks and good health to y'all from Rexall. I wondered when you'd get that in. Come on in. Now, who can that be? Thou hast forgotten me. I'm sorry, Dennis. Come on in. We'll go in the library. Gee, kids, I'm certainly glad you dropped over. You know, I didn't know what I was going to do. Oh, hello, Polly. Hello. Hello. Hello, Polly. Hello. Hello, Polly. Hello. Don't stand so close. Well, kids, now that you're here, what do we do to kill evening? Say, how about a game of bridge? Bridge. Yeah, we'll get out the card table. Oh, gee, we can't play. Why not? Well, to play bridge, you have to have four people. Oh, Rochester. Yes, boss. How would you like to join the three of us in a friendly little game? Okay. I'll move the couch so we can throw them against the wall, and then I'll snipe. Red. Red. No thanks. I don't care. Well, fellas, maybe we can play some other. I'll get it, Rochester. Do what the couch where it was, and roll the rug back down, and never so anybody move furniture so fast. Coming, coming. It's a great, wide, wonderful world we live in. Hello, Mr. Benny. Well, Mr. Kitzer. Hey, everybody's visiting me tonight. Oh, this isn't exactly a visit, Mr. Benny. I was on my way to a movie, and I thought you might like to join me. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Kitzer, but I was going to stay home and play cards. Oh, that's a shame. Such a wonderful picture, too, with Esther Williams and a red skeleton, Epstein's daughter. Oh, no, no, Mr. Kitzer, that's Neptune's, Neptune's daughter. I stand correct. Well, as long as you can come to the movies with me, I'll be running along. Now, wait a minute, Mr. Kitzer, we need a fourth for bridge. Do you play bridge? Like an exploit. When my wife and I play bridge, we use the T-formation system. No, no, Mr. Kitzel. See, the T-formation is using football. That's what I mean, under the table. Such kicking. Oh, Mr. Kitzel, you're joking. How do you play? Come on in and join us. All right. Rochester, will you please bring in the bridge table and some cards? Yes, sir. Thanks, Rochester. All right, fellas, let's go. One note, Trump. Dennis, we haven't dealt the card yet. He has to be my partner yet. Go ahead, Phil, you deal. Okay. Rochester, get a little warm in here. Open the window, will you please? Yes, sir. Rochester, did you feed the cat? Oh, yes, boss, she just finished a plate of turkey. Then what's she mad about? She's not mad, she just ain't got a toothpick. Well, close the window, she's making me nervous. Okay, Jackson, pick up your cards, huh? All right, let me see. Hmm, let's see. I bid two spades. I pay. Dennis, I bid two spades. What do you do? Which ones are spades? The black ones. I've got two kinds of black ones. Look, those are spades and clubs. Now, what do you do? I pass. Dennis, you can't pass. You're my partner. Some partner. I'm off the show one week and he gets Larry Stevens. You're my partner in the game. I bid two spades. That's a forcing bid. I'm trying to find out what you've got in your hand. Oh, I've got a seven of diamonds and nine of hearts. Not that one! Mr. Kitzel, Mr. Kitzel, look at his hand and help him. Okay. What does he do? He passes. But he can't pass. He's my partner. All right, he bids seven spades. I've really got eight, but I don't want to give my hand away. What do you do, Phil? I open for two dollars. Look, Phil, this is bread. I don't care what it is. I've got a full house of straight and four aces. Phil, and if deuces were wild, I could buy CBS and give you back to NBC. Now, come on. Let's... Rochester, will you answer that? Yes, sir. Now, come on. Fill us up to you. What do you do? Hello? The check is in the mail. Rochester, how can you answer the phone that way when you don't know who it is? It may not apply to you, Miss Livingston, but it fits the butcher, the baker, and a hundred other trusting souls. Is Mr. Benny there? Yes, ma'am. But before I get him for you, I wonder if you do me a favor, Miss Livingston. Certainly, Rochester. What is it? Well, Christmas is coming, and I don't know what to get the boss for a present, so I thought you might help me. Well, it always is a problem getting a gift for Mr. Benny. You've got to think it's something that he wants very badly, and he won't buy for himself. Like what? Like a pound of coffee. And I'll put him on. It's for you, boss. It's Miss Livingston. Oh, excuse me a minute, fellas. Hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. I hate to bother you, but I have some visitors here from Plainfield, and they love to go through a movie studio. Uh-huh. And I thought you might be able to help me get me into one. Want to get him into one? Why, certainly, Mary. I'll play you this week's record next week. Now, let's see. Um, maybe I can help you, Mary. Let me see what studio owes me a favor. Let's see. Um, no. See, I wonder if, um... No. Maybe... No. Oh, keep thinking, Jack. There must be one studio you haven't made a picture for. Mary, that has nothing to do with it. I can't get them any studio in town whether I made a picture for them or not. Good. How about Warners? Well... Uh, Paramount? Hmm. Uh, MGM? Well... Uh, 20th Century Fox? Hmm. Universal International? Universal? Would they like to go through Universal? Yes. Hmm. Now, let's... How about Columbia Pictures? Well, it's off-lead... R-K-O? R-K-O. Hmm. Oh, well, I guess I'll have to do it again. Do what? Take them through the May Company. Oh, that's swell, Mary. They love those escalators. I know. Well, thanks for helping me. You're welcome any time at all. Goodbye, Mary. Goodbye, Mr. Goldwyn. Goldwyn? Well, here I am, fellas. Sorry it took so long. I got all balled up, so I dealt a new hand. Okay. Now, let's see... Hmm. What a hand. I pass. Include me out. I pass. I bet 12 hearts. Well, hard. I'd have had the other one, too, if you'd have stayed on that phone a little longer. Oh, give me those cards. I'll deal them myself. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Dennis, stop singing and concentrate on the game. Oh, I was just humming the song I'm going to do on the program. Look, kids, are we going to play cards or are we going to play... I always like to hear the song before I do it on the show. All right, let me hear it now. Sing it while I'm dealing the cards. Well, you better deal them slow. It's a ballad. Okay, okay. Come on. Very good. Now, come on, kids. It's getting late. Let's finish the game. A Rochester, you can put away the card table now. They've all gone home. Okay. I'm going to read a while. Meanwhile, you go upstairs and make my bed. Will you please? Yes, sir. And Rochester, the evenings are getting chilly, so don't forget to plug in my General Electric Blanket. We haven't got a General Electric Blanket? We've got one now. Oh, brother, will my house be full of General Electric Blankets? I'm going to the den and read now. Are you going to walk or shall I drive you in a kettle? I'll see you later. Oh, gee, I'm glad the gang dropped over. I haven't played bridge in a long time. Why did I have to get stuck with Dennis for a partner? All the dumb, stupid kids. Imagine him bidding seven-oh-trump on that last hand. I'll never understand how he made it. Well, let me see. There's so many books here I haven't read. Here's one. Let Him Eat Cheesecake by Earl Wilson. I Married a Communist by Joe Salin. Here's another one. I've Never Been Home by Bob Hope. Here's a book by Eugene O'Neill. Morning Becomes Electric Blanket. Here's a book I haven't read. The Farmer's Son. That's a switch. Farmer's Son. I think I'll read it. What's this inscription here? Well, for goodness' sake, Happy Birthday from Andy Devine. Oh, yes. Andy gave this book to me last year for a birthday present. I'll never forget when he came over to my house, he handed it to me and said, Hiya, Buck! Happy Birthday! Hello, Andy. Good to see you. Good to see you too, Buck, and here's her present for you. Gee, a book. Thanks very much. Tell me, Buck, how old are you today? Thirty-nine. What are you laughing at, Andy? Well, I'm forty-three, and you used to be my babysitter. Well, Andy, I appreciate the book very much. Won't you say a while? Oh, thanks, Buck, but I have to hurry home and fix the roof on my house. Oh, oh, is the roof leaked? Yeah, I think so. Last night while I was having dinner, it started to rain, and I finished the same bowl of soup seven times. Well, then I won't keep you. Thanks again for the book, Andy. You're welcome, Buck. Andy gave me this book for my birthday, and I haven't read it yet. Well, I might as well read it now. I'll move this chair a little closer to the light. There. The Farmer's Son by Berkram Scott. Chapter one. Whee, whee, whee, whee. How? How do you do? M. What is it, M? Tell me, Lamb, have you seen Clem? Ain't seen Clem since 3 p.m. M, I'm getting worried about our boys. Me too. You ought to talk to Clem about facts of life. He's going on 28. Yes, you're right, Maw. One night I took him to a burly show. He's just sat there eating cracker jack. I sat so close to the runway, I got my nose stepped on twice. Look what time it is. Clem ain't home yet. Throw her a toothpick, Maw. Can I earn that cap? Well, that ain't a cap. That's the dog. He does imitations. You done? Wonder if he can imitate that comedian feller, Eddie Cantor. That sounds gross. Stupid dog. Looks like that jackass was here a little while ago. Get away from here, Fido. Come on in. Oh, Lamb, Lamb. What is it, Clem? Got some news about your son, Clem. You hear that, M? Sure did, Lamb. Clem, what's this news you got about Clem? Well, you know that Thompson gal who wears high-heeled wedges and puts ketchup on her fingernails. You mean Lulu Belle Thompson? That's the filly. What about her? Lamb, that son of yours has been writing her letters. Be careful what you say, Clem. I found one of them letters, and here it is. You did, eh? Well, read it. Read it! It says, dear Lulu Belle, your hair is gold. Your eyes are blue. Tomatoes are soft, and so are you. No, Clem. I wouldn't mind that letter so much except for those last four words. And so are you. That's not going too far. Now, don't be too hasty, Lamb. Maybe he weren't himself when he wrote it. I don't know what to think. Lamb, Lamb, here comes our boy now. Hello, Dad. You're late, my lad. Well, tell me, Dad, did I make you mad? You made Dad mad, and you made me sad. Now, listen, Clem, I know your little secret. Shem here found a love letter you wrote to Lulu Belle Thompson. Oh, darn it. Watch your language, son. There's a jackass in his house. How do you do? Now, son, there's certain things I... Wait a minute. You have a drink before you came home? Yes, Father, a malted milk. A malted milk, eh? Was there an egg in it? Well, I, uh... Answer me, son. Was there an egg in it? Yes, Dad, there were two of them. What? Look, Ma, he's had living again. Son, I'm ashamed of you. I can't understand you going out. Come in. Yeah, I'm from the General Electric Company. Where do I plug it in? Upstairs. What took you so long? I got lost in the fog. Oh, well, take it upstairs. Thank you. We're delivering your Cadillac in the morning. Thank you. Now, as I was saying, son, I'm ashamed of you carrying on with Lulu Belle Thompson. I can't help it, Pa. I'm in love with Lou. Lou? I call her that for short. That's the beginning of the end, son. Start calling her pet names. Then you want to buy her an engagement ring. You ain't got the money. You go out and steal it. And the first thing you know, you wind up and fold some. I said fold some! Stupid dog! Now, listen to me, son. I knew many girls when I was a young man. I know how you feel. Back when I first proposed to your Ma, she turned me down. And I felt so bad I drank a glass of iodine. Did you have an egg in it? Huh? Answer me, was there an egg? Friam, I used to carry a chicken in my shirt. Tell me, Pa, what makes a chicken lay an egg? I've been waiting for that. Leave the room, Emma. I'm going to have a talk with Clem about the facts of life. I hope you learned something. Glad you didn't blow that line. Now, listen, son. Writing a love letter is a very serious thing. How would you feel if you got a letter like that from your gal, Lou? I don't know, Dad, but I can find out. I'm going to sit right down and write myself a letter. Write yourself a letter. And make believe it came from Lou. Hitch-goo, hitch-goo, hitch-goo. I'm going to write words oh so sweet. Yeah, man. They're going to knock me off my feet. Rasmut! A lot of kisses on the bottom. I'll be glad I got them. I'm going to smile and say I hope you're feeling better. Get him a rink-a-dink, get him a rink-a-dink. And close the birds like I'm. I'm going to sit right down and write myself a letter. Letter! And make believe it came from Lou. A lot of letters. Yes, sir. Oh, see, yes, siri. That's for me. We're going to write a lucky strike. Oh, boy. The cigarette that we all like. What joy. We're so glad we got them. Wouldn't be without them. We're going to smile and say that lucky strikes are better. They're the best you ever saw. Free and easy on the draw. And the only smoke for you. I'm going to sit right down and write myself. Pretty baby. Ah. And that dame from... Ah, I got a better voice than sugar-throwed birds. Now sit down, son, while I tell you the facts of life. Well, I gotta run along, Lam. Okay, Shem. Now you listen to your pappy, Clem, and stay away from gals like Lula Belle Thompson. She ain't fit for an ice boy like you. Goodbye. That was right, Clem. Lula Belle ain't your type. But, Pa, I gotta marry her, because if I don't, she's going to commit suicide. Suicide? Yep. She said she's going to throw herself in front of a mule train and clip it and clap herself to death. I ain't going to be responsible for anything like that. I'm going to call Lula Belle and tell her she can marry you. I'm glad, Pa, because she's such a nice, sweet girl. Give me that pro. Don't worry, son. I'll arrange everything. I'm going to stand in the way of your happiness. Or Lula Belle's either. Hello? Hello. Is this Lula Belle Thompson's house? Sure is. Hi, you lamb. Watch him. What are you doing at Lula Belle's house? She ain't your gal. She ain't Clem's gal either. Well, who's gal is she? Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Mr. Kessel, what are you doing there? Playing village, what else? Oh, for heaven's sake. One moment, but first. Six-tree-balda. M'num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num. D due-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. Mum-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num. It's all American. Friends, it's clear from the first puff, there's never a rough puff in a Lucky. Yes. You'll find every single Lucky you like is smooth-er, milder, more enjoyable. The reason is this. In a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts and LS MFT lucky strike means fine tobacco now fine tobacco costs more and the makers of lucky strike pay more actually millions of dollars more than official parody prices to get truly fine light leaf for your cigarette so you see LS MFT lucky strike means fine tobacco today tomorrow always listen for a moment of the words of a tobacco expert a man who's seen lucky strike by many a basket of tobacco he's mr. Wayne Adams an independent warehouse man from South Boston Virginia recently he said times without number I've seen the makers of lucky strike by fine tobacco quality tobacco that makes a real smoke for 15 years lucky's have been my regular smoke there's a first-hand tip from a tobacco expert so for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment light up a lucky yes make your next carton the cigarette that brings you smoking enjoyment at its finest with never a rough puff lucky strike so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw ladies and gentlemen I want to thank Andy divine it was with us tonight through the courtesy of lemon Abner next week to the courtesy of 20th Century Fox we're gonna have to her own power good night be sure to hear Dennis day and a day in the life of Dennis day thank you